Trixie Lulamoon was rather comfortable in the bed of her traveling wagon, snuggled warmly beneath the covers. Unbeknownst to her, she snored slightly, and it shook the windows.
It shook the windows a lot.

Trixie’s poor windows could withstand no more cruel punishment, however, as one of them violently exploded inward as a billowing green tube ricocheted around the entire cabin. Trixie shrieked in terror, desperately covering her eyes from the destructive rampage that the tube was going on; bouncing like a bullet from wall to wall, burning everything in sight and shattering every last shard of glass to be found.
It finally stopped and dropped rather harmlessly in Trixie’s (admittedly stunned) hooves.
Flabbergasted, she stared at the letter for a moment before at last unrolling it.

Dearest jizz guzzling attention whore,

“What.”

Shit, Spike, that doesn’t sound like I’m trying to woo her. Woo – woo her. Woooooer. Weeooweeooweeoo her.
Fuck it.

Dearest Trixie Lumaloon-
Fuck! Stop laughing, Spike! Start over!

Dearest Trixie,
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please come back to Ponyville. If I have to hunt you down, I’m only going to spank you that much harder.
Oh, yeah. That’s right.
Actually, never mind. I’m going to spank that tight little flank of yours one way or another, so you might as well make it easier on yourself. I am going to fuck your brains out and then jam them back in any other hole I can get to.

Shit, Spike, that sounds a little too rape-y. Start over.

Dearest Trixie,
If I don’t wind up fucking you senseless in the next twelve minutes, I’m going to kill your family. I – yes, Spike, shut up – I swear to whatever hellish deity you believe in, I am either going to ram you in the plot with both hooves up to my elbows, or I’m going to light your entire family on fire.
… Am I coming on too strong? Yeah, probably. Spike, start over.

To the mare of my dreams,
… shit, I don’t want Crater Face getting in on the action. Seriously, Luna is fucked up in the head. Just leave any mention of dreams out of it, Spike. Besides, Rarity is the mare of my dreams. Well, I guess Trixie is a close second, and since that stuck up bitch is apparently too good to let me buttfuck her with a bowling pin –
Fuck it! Spike, start over!

Dearest… dearie dear dearie der der dear.
Fuck, I am so wasted.
You-you know, Spike, you’d think I’d have learned. You would think that the mother cunting student would learn, but, no~o. I think I’m gonna hurl.
No – nope, I’m good.
… No, dumbass! Don’t write – just fucking start over!

Dearest Trixie,
I would sacrifice my own number one assistant to the patron deity of blowjobs for five minutes with your ass. The rest of you need not necessarily be there, but it would make a fucking awesome bonus.
What? Oh, no. I’m not going to sacrifice you, Spike, wherever did – what? No, I was talking about Owlowicious. Seriously, fuck that bird. I was expecting that the little bastard would carry my mail for me, like that one story with Hairy Trotter. I think I got the retarded owl, because he does jack shit.
Urgh, dammit. I can’t even remember what I was talking about.

Yeah, thanks, Spike.

Dearest Trixie,
If you could open your fat mouth any wider it would fall off. Seriously, just get a fucking muzzle so the rest of us don’t have to listen to your constant shit. Actually, I think that’s going to be one of my new princess-y proclamation things. Anypony that pisses me off has to wear a muzzle.
Made of FIRE.

Oh, shit! That’s right, Spike! I did kind of forget. Start over.

Dearest Trixie,
Ever wanted to fuck royalty?

If not, too bad. I’m sending an entire battalion – bat-battalalaatalatalatallion – somepony is coming to bring you to me. Because I’m a princess now. I can do that.
WHO’S GREAT AND POWERFUL NOW, BITCH?