The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 24 Pinkie Vs. Meat Redux

Pinkie sat on Dan's bed as the warm rays of the sun shined in from a a nearby window. Though, the bed, as well as the room, being 'Dan's' was a distinction that had began to blur as Pinkie now spent her nights sleeping in the bed next to Dan. Additionally, the closest was full of her colorful clothing. Pinkie attention also meant the room was currently clean by normal standards, those standards being Dan's clothing, in states ranging from 'mostly clean' to 'mostly horrifying', lying in heaps all over the floor.

Pinkie had changed into her white raglan with blue sleeves and the heart on the center, pink skirt with balloons to match her cutie mark, and a light purple ribbon around her waist. Her feet clothed in socks dangled over the side of the bed.

Pinkie swallowed as she held her closed pink compact mirror in her hand. Well…if anypony can help me here, it’s Twilight…

Pinkie took a deep breath and opened the mirror. “Twilight?” She asked tentatively.

Twilight looked up from the collection of books spread out in front of her. “Oh! Hi Pinkie. What’s up?”

“Um…is Spike with you?” Pinkie asked.

Pinkie saw a purple claw wave at her from the side, followed by the rest of the baby dragon. “Hey Pinkie! What’s the haps?”

Pinkie smiled weakly. “Hi Spike…erm…is it just the two of you there?”

“Uh, yes Pinkie.” Twilight answered. She cocked her head slightly. “Do you need me to get somepony else?”

Pinkie waved her free hand back in forth in front of the mirror. “No, no, no, no, no, no. It’s just you two I want to talk to.”

Twilight and Spike exchanged confused glances.

“Sure Pinkie, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked.

“Can I ask you two a kinda personal question?” Pinkie asked, her normal happy-go-lucky expression replaced with a serious one.

Twilight and Spike exchanged concerned looks.

“Uh….sure Pinkie…” Twilight said with a little apprehension in her voice.

“Do you two ever have trouble…sharing a house, together?”

Spike and Twilight’s expression softened to relief.

“Trouble with, Dan, huh?” Twilight guessed.

Pinkie sighed. “Yeah…”

“Why am I not surprised?” Twilight said with a smile, glancing up for a second.

“It’s just…well, when we’re out together we have so much fun, but when we’re at the apartment it seems like we’re fighting most the time…Does that ever happen with you two?”

“It might if Twilight could look up from her books for even two seconds to talk to me,” Spike said with a mischievous grin.

“Hey!” Twilight said, matching the grin. “At least I don’t commandeer the bath for hours at a time.”

“Heh. I’m surprised you even noticed.” Spike responded, his grin widening. “Did you schedule enough time to keep note of my bathroom time, or is it catalogued and recorded somewhere?”

“The latter, of course. It’s in the record book next to your sleep schedule,” Twilight said, grin also widening. “10 hours a night is a bit much, don’t you think?” she added with fake concern.

“Yeah well…” Spike pondered a retort for a second, “…at least I can dance without looking like I’m walking over burning coals.”

Twilight’s grin dropped. “Why you little…” She reached over and enveloped the small purple dragon in her forelegs, following up with a playful noogie.

“Stop! Stop!” Spike pleaded, quickly followed by giggles from both him and Twilight as the baby dragon tried feebly to pushTwilight away.

“Awww…” Pinkie said at the scene of her two friends play fighting. “Why can’t Dan and I be like that?”

Twilight and Spike paused, slight blushes coming to their cheeks as they remembered they had an audience. The two parted, and Twilight cleared her throat. “It just takes time, Pinkie. Spike and I have had lots of time to get used to each other and our little habits.” Twilight smiled. “You just got to let him know what things really bug you and figure out what habits you’ll just have to adjust to.”

“And not showering, brushing your teeth, or eating any fruits or vegetables..?”

Twilight’s smile dropped. “Those would fall under the former…”

Pinkie gulped, “Erm…Can I ask you two a really personal question?”

Twilight and Spike’s expression shifted back towards concerned. “Uh…of course, Pinkie,” Twilight responded.

“…Did either of you have a run-in with meat when you were at that human world?”

Spike and Twilight looked surprise for a second and then their expressions changed.

Spike stifled a guffaw.

Twilight’s went serious.

“Spike, lock the door,” Twilight commanded.

“Hehe…Sure Twilight.” Spike dashed out of sight.

Twilight looked back towards Pinkie. “What did you eat?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

Pinkie considered the reactions of her two friends, especially Spike’s. “What did you eat?” she replied with suspicion in her voice.

“I asked you first!” Twilight said as her eyes narrowed.

“Well, I asked you second!” Pinkie retorted, her voice going shrill as she matched Twilight’s facial expression.

“Yeah, well…you came to me in the first place.”

“Well, you came to me in the second place!”

“Pinkie, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Uh…” Pinkie paused, then sighed. “Okay, you win… I…” Pinkie began to absentmindedly fidget with the hem of her dress with her free hand. “I had a few bites of a hamburger my first night here…”

Twilight blinked in response. “That’s it?”

Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “That bad, huh?”

Spike popped back into view. “I think Twilight ate about a whole cow worth of meat,” he said with a giant grin.

“Spike! I did not...!” Twilight looked back at Pinkie with a nervous grin, her face flushed red. “…partially because not everything I ate came from a cow…”

Pinkie giggled. “Really? What you eat! Tell me, tell me!”

Twilight sighed. “Two burgers, a bacon burger, about a plate of bacon, a hotdog, and some sushi…”

Pinkie paused. “Twilight…you were in that other world for like… two days…”

Twilight threw her forehooves up. “I know! But it was soooo good, and I was so preoccupied with getting my crown back that I didn’t even think to ask what any of it was!” Twilight rubbed a hoof over her eyes. “First, I just got whatever Fluttershy was eating. Which, of course, meant I avoided any meat! But then I met everyone else, and they didn’t restrict their diets the same way…Heck, I’m pretty sure Applejack did eat about a cow’s worth of beef while I was there…”

“When did you figure it out?” Pinkie asked.

“Rainbow Dash got some chicken wings…it was kind of hard to deny that humans ate animals after that.”

Spike’s grin went full evil and he elbowed Twilight in the ribs. “Aaaaaaand?”

Twilight’s eyebrows and mouth gravitated towards each other in a crinkled frown. “I ate a chicken wing, anyways…” she admitted.

Pinkie covered her mouth and gasped. “Reeaallly?!”

Twilight looked up to the ceiling, raising her hooves to face level on either side of her head and gave them a shake. “I was in a strange world, and I was worried about getting an element of harmony back! I just sort of remembered that animals there couldn’t talk or hold complicated social events like dances or science fairs and rationalized that it was okay since I was human at the time…” Twilight slumped into a heap. “Am I a bad pony?” she asked sadly, looking up at Pinkie.

Pinkie shook her head. “You’re not a bad pony, Twilight! You’re a great pony! And I mean…maybe you’re right…animals here aren’t that smart…I tried to organize a revolution at a pet store, and I couldn’t even get the mice to wield the toothpicks I brought for them to use as spears!” Pinkie said, miming holding a toothpick with her free hand and making a stabbing motion.

Twilight paused. “Uh, right… Hey Pinkie?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

Twilight sat up and smiled again. “Thanks for being understanding. You have no idea how much better I feel.”

“Well, Spike understands, don’t you Spike?” Pinkie asked.

“I got to eat her scraps!” Spike said happily.

Twilight put on a slightly irritated look. “Spike didn’t seem to have much of a moral quandary about any of this…”

Pinkie rubbed the back of her head with her free hand. “I wish I could just figure out my own quandary to get Dan to eat some vegetables.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked.

“Oh! Well, Dan said he wouldn’t eat fruits or vegetables as long as I wouldn’t eat meat, so…”

“I’m pretty sure he just said that to get out of eating whatever you were trying to give him, Pinkie,” Twilight replied.

“I know, Twilight,” Pinkie responded. “But I’m pretty sure I could convince him to eat them anyways if I call his bluff.”

“Really? How’s that?” Twilight asked skeptically.

“Oh…a girl has her ways,” Pinkie said with a wry grin.

Twilight’s eyes went wide for a second and she waved her forehooves in front of her. “Whoa, whoa, never mind. Forget I asked. So anyways,” Twilight continued, raising an eyebrow, “you’re saying if you eat meat, Dan suffers?”

“Prrrretty much, yeah,” Pinkie admitted.

Twilight put a foreleg across her chest and supported her other foreleg at the elbow, pointing it up towards her face. She rested half her face on the hoof. “I’m probably going to hate myself in the morning for this but…the Pinkie from the other world didn’t have any problems with eating meat.”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “REALLY?! Do you think she rationalized it, too?!” she asked excitedly.

A corner of Twilight’s mouth pulled to the side as she briefly pondered this. “I think she was more of the ‘eat it and not really think about where it comes from’ type.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Yep, that’s me alright.” Pinkie stood up. “Thanks you two! You really helped me a lot!”

Twilight smiled warmly at her friend. “Thank you, Pinkie.”

“Bye Pinkie! Oh! Tell my Accidental Arson Bro that Spike says ‘hi’ for me, wouldja?”

Pinkie held a thumbs up in view of the mirror. “Will do, Spike.”

Pinkie started to close the mirror, but heard a “Pinkie, wait!” from Twilight.

“Yes, Twilight?” Pinkie replied, opening back up the mirror.

Twilight leaned in close to her own mirror and held a hoof up on one side of her mouth, blocking her voice a bit from Spike. “When you get Dan to eat vegetables, can you maybe…take a picture of his face and show me later?” she asked with a small smile and blush.

Pinkie giggled and nodded. “Of course Twilight! In fact, I know someone else who’ll want to see that as well…”

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh good, so it’s not just me then…”

“Dan kinda has that effect on people…and ponies, it seems,” Pinkie said with a smile.

“Heh, yeah I bet,” Twilight said with a smile. “Goodbye, Pinkie!”

“Goodbye, Twilight.” Pinkie shut the mirror.

Pinkie’s smile widened as she walked over to her closet, grabbed her blue boots, put them on her feet, and began lacing them.

Dan opened the apartment door and walked in, a couple of shopping bags in one of his hands. “Pinkie? I’m making lunch,” Dan said, finishing his sentence with soft, manical laughter. “Muahahahahaha…”

“... Pinkie?”

“Meow.” Mr. Mumbles trotted over with another note.

Dan bent down and picked it up.

“To the bestest, most awesome, incredible, bestest, roommate in the whole wide world,

I’m sorry about earlier. (Pinkie had doodled a sad looking pony with pink, curly hair next to this sentence.)

I’ll be back soon, OK?
Love,

Pinkie Pie”

Dan’s already evil, wide grin grew eviler and wider.

Pinkie stared wide-eyed at the section of frozen foods as she paced up and down the aisle.

“Pro!” She said to herself. “Dan will get a number of essential daily vitamins,” she said with a smile.

“Con! Dan might get angry and start another fight with me,” she said with a frown.

“Pro! Dan will be far less likely to die of any number of health complications later in life,” she said with a smile.

“Con…Dan might get angry and start another fight with me,” she said with a frown and a sigh.

Pinkie stopped in front of the frozen vegetables and massaged her temples.

“Miss?” A stout man with balding brown hair, glasses, a red sweater covering a blue shirt and blue tie, black pants, and black shoes asked. “Are you alright? You’ve been walking up and down the aisle and talking to yourself for almost an hour now.”

“Oh! No, I’m not alright! My roommate refuses to eat fruits or vegetables, but I think eating them is really, really, really important and I don’t want him to die of malnutrition so I’m trying to make sure he eats some everyday, but this always results in a fight, and I mean, like…really, really bad fights where something gets throw, or destroyed, or set on fire in protest, and sometimes someone gets hurt. Not me or him though, always some innocent bystander who gets hit by something Dan throws out the door or window. Amazingly, it seems every time he throws something he hits someone and then they crash into something else and sometimes this will get really, really, really, really bad over the tiniest, littlest, smallest thing like the time he flicked some peanut skins out the car window and I think maybe a biker inhaled the skins or something because he suddenly lost control of his bike and caused a multi-car pileup behind us and this is just the sort of thing that happens every day with us and I’m kinda worried I’m getting desensitized, you know? And now I’m, like, doing highly illegal things without thinking twice, because that’s just what you do here. Something makes you angry and you just go on the warpath and I’m trying to make sure we don’t hurt anyone but it’s really hard when it’s like everything on this planet seems designed to cause pain or explode for no reason; so now say…when Dan sees something like a modern art sculpture made out of metal and it makes him just so mad that he pushes it over and it’ll just catch fire, like ‘fwosh’”—Pinkie brought her hands up and wiggled her fingers to simulate fire—“I don’t think ‘How the hay did that catch one fire!? It was made completely out of metal!’ No, I’m just like, ‘Yep. That’s on fire now. That’s just what happens here. You lightly tap something and it just catches aflame. Yep scary, scary.’ Except I’m not scared somehow! I just shrug, cross one more thing off the list and we go on our merry way and have lots of fun, and go get ice cream and sorbet because Dan can’t have milk or he’ll keel over into a ball and it looks really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, painful and I just feel so sorry for him…so what do you think I should do?”

“Ummm…well…eating right is important, but…”

“You’re RIGHT mister! Eating right IS important!” Pinkie resolutely opened the freezer door and pulled out a small bag of frozen broccoli. “I must feed this broccoli to Dan even if it means the complete and utter…probably nuclear, desolation of all life on this planet!” she added with strong determination in her voice. Pinkie smiled and waved to the stout man as she bounded off towards the checkout counters. “Thanks, recurring background character!”

The stout man stared blankly after her. “You’re welcome…I think…”

Pinkie bounded back to the apartment. As she approached the stairs, she recognized the smell of cooked meat, a smell she normally associated with fast food restaurants Dan would stop at. She smiled slightly and uttered an audible “Mmmmmm…”, the smell starting to conjure images of potentially tasty treats instead of brutally murdered animals that reminded her of her friends back in Equestria. She noted the smell was getting stronger the closer she got to the door of apartment ‘8’.

Ooh! Dan must be cooking something. I thought I was going to have to get him to take me to Burgerphile then fight with him to eat something when we got home. This’ll be easy-peasy.

Pinkie’s grin grew until it made an audible 'squee' sound as she clutched the grocery bag to her chest. She opened the apartment door and was immediately hit with the strong smell of cooked meat.

“Welcome back.” Dan said with a knowing, wicked grin. “I made lunch.” Dan took off his red 'KISS THE JERK' apron and set it in a crinkled mass on the counter.

Pinkie gasped as she looked over the spread on the dining table, which was actually the foosball table with a large, thin piece of plywood over it a couple of folding chairs set up next to it. Meatloaf, Hamburgers, Hotdogs, a big plate of bacon…Dan really outdid himself.

“I can see that!” Pinkie said with a big smile. “Just a sec, okay?” Pinkie walked over to the microwave, discreetly pulled something out of the grocery bag, and put it into the microwave. She pushed a few buttons on the device and bounded over to the table.

Dan’s smile dropped. She seems rather…enthusiastic. Oh well, I have a backup…

Pinkie sat down in one of the folding chairs.

Dan’s smile returned as he pushed a plate full of meatloaf in front of Pinkie. It widened back into an evil grin as she took a bite.

Pinkie’s expression went blank as tears started to well up in her eyes.

Dan turned a small bottle that was sitting on the table so Pinkie could read it. “You might say the secret ingredient is ‘habanero sauce’…”

Pinkie slowly swallowed the bit of food in her mouth. “Dan..?”

Dan’s evil smile went nuclear arms race. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“THIS IS THE BEST LUNCH I’VE HAD EVER, EVER!” Pinkie declared with a gigantic smile.

Dan’s smile suffered a nuclear peace treaty. “Ummm…Really?”

Pinkie vigorously nodded her head as she shoveled more bites into her mouth with an “Mmmm-hmmm! Mmmm-hmmm!”

“Uh, thanks…” Dan said, scratching the back of his head.

Pinkie quickly devoured the contents of her plate and began licking it clean. She presented a completely empty plate to Dan and asked, “More, please!”

‘Beep Beep Beep’

“Oh! Hold that thought.” Pinkie sat up and trotted over to the microwave.

Dan eyed her suspiciously as she pulled out a plate, pulled out a plump bag from the microwave, opened it, and emptied the steaming, green contents into the plate.

Crud.

Pinkie walked over with the plate of broccoli. “Sorry Dan, but I’m going to make you eat your words,” Pinkie said with a grin, placing the plate in front of Dan. “Also, broccoli," she added.

“Uh, yeah... I kinda figured that out...” Dan put a pout on his face. “Erm…You know I only said that because…”

“I know exactly why you said it. You’re still going to eat,” Pinkie insisted.

“But…”

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed. “No buts!” She handed Dan a fork. “Eat!” She commanded.

Dan swallowed and grabbed the fork. He speared a tiny green piece of broccoli and brought it up to his mouth, the fork quivering in his hand. He glanced back up at his roommate, pleading for mercy in his eyes.

The look on Pinkie's face made it clear that no quarter would be given.

Dan exhaled and put the tiny piece of broccoli in his mouth. A corner of his mouth pulled up into a sneer as the eye on the same side of his face began twitching. Slowly, he chomped down on the offending vegetable, his face contorting with every bite.

Dan heard a click and looked up to see Pinkie holding her pink camera.

He flashed her an angry glower and after several labored bites, he swallowed. “Elise?”

“No, Twilight,” Pinkie responded.

“What is it with girls wanting to watch me suffer?”

Pinkie smiled and shrugged. “You’re just the kinda guy girls love to hate, I guess.”

Dan narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. “I noticed.”

“Er, sorry…I didn’t mean me…” She quickly explained, waving her free hand out in front of her. “Oh, Spike says ‘Hi’ by the way. How was the broccoli?”

Dan stuck out his tongue and ran his hands over it rapidly, trying to get the taste of broccoli off of it. “That was objectively the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten in my entire life,” he answered. Dan frowned and added, “And you should see the color of some of the turkey meat I've eaten...”

Pinkie rubbed her chin and examined what was on the table with a “Hmmmm…”. She grabbed the hot sauce and drowned the remaining broccoli with the bright orange liquid. She looked back up at Dan and motioned to the plate.

Dan furrowed his brow and stabbed another piece of broccoli. He held it up as bright orange drops of hot sauce fell off the plant and back onto the plate. He stuck it into his mouth and chewed.

“Welllllllllll...?” Pinkie inquired as a smile began to emerge on her face.

“All I can taste is hot sauce,” Dan responded.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand...?” Pinkie’s smile grew.

“It’s ummm… tolerable?” Dan offered.

“I’ll take it!” Pinkie responded, pointing at Dan and beaming.

Dan considered the plate of habanero drenched hot sauced broccoli in front of him while rubbing his stubble. He dished up a large chunk of meatloaf into the orange and green mass and began eating bites of meat and broccoli together.

“Ooh! Ooh! Let me try!” Pinkie enthusiastically grabbed her own fork and began grabbing bites off of Dan’s plate. Soon the two had finished the hot sauce soaked contents.

Dan looked across the spread on the table. “Looks like we have our work cut out for us…”

Pinkie grabbed a hot dog bun, added a wiener, a few strips of bacon, mustard, hot sauce, and chomped down. “Souwnd Gwood to mwe!” She said through a mouth full of protein and bread.

Dan sat down and began eating. Lunch first, then phase 2.

A small evil grin returned to Dan’s face as he added ketchup to a burger.

Author's Notes:

Revised