The Wheel and the Butterfly

A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga

Part 4 Dan Vs. Roommate

Chapter 23 Dan Vs. Planning

Dan parked his red hatchback and stepped out towards the red roofed, adobe house of Chris and Elise. The short drive in the bright Southern California day having dried his clothes only slightly, leaving him still rather soaked. He quickly exited his car, stormed up the walkway, threw open the door, and announced, “Enough is enough! I want her out!” to a collection of furniture that was obscured by a number of blankets and sheets suspended from the ceiling.

Dan paused as he examined the structure inside a structure in front of him.

“Want who out?” A male voice called out. “Elise? She kinda lives here.”

“Hey, what animals you choose to keep in your house is your business!” Dan replied.

"I heard that!" Elise called back in a warning tone.

“GOOD!” Dan retorted “… Look Chris! Can you come out here? I need ideas…and bees.”

“…”

“Mostly bees.”

One of the blankets was pushed aside to reveal Chris’s smiling face. “Why don’t you come in here?”

Dan gave an exasperated “Fine!” and trudged into the furniture/bedspread structure.

“Hi, Dan,” Elise said from the blue couch with a small smile from behind a cup of steaming tea. “… What are you drenched with?” she asked, examining the short man as her face went neutral.

“Water. What does it matter?”

“Well, you often end up covered in something unpleasant, and I’d rather not have to clean anything just because you stopped by,” Elise explained.

“Sorry!” Dan answered snidely. “Wouldn’t want to mess up your… whatever all this is!”

“It’s Fort Chrilise! Isn’t it awesome?” Chris asked enthusiastically.

“First of all, it looks more like a tent. Second of all, ‘Chrislise’? That’s the best you could come up with?!” Dan asked, throwing his hands out.

“Right, because ‘Fort Dan Pie’ was a stroke of genius,” Chris responded, rolling his eyes.

Dan glanced at Elise. “I can’t believe you actually agreed to this!”

Elise smiled again and shrugged. “It was fun! And it’s kinda cozy in here,” she said, fondly regarding her surroundings. She took a small sip of tea. “Anyhow… why do you need bees?”

“I already told you!” Dan insisted.

Elise creased her brow. “I don’t think you did.”

“Chris, couldn’t you have married someone who pays attention? Or better yet, not have gotten married at all?”

Elise sighed. “Thank goodness you reminded me what you’re like when Pinkie’s not around. I was beginning to think you were tolerable…wait…” Elise's face changed to a worried look.

Chris smacked a palm on his face. “Dan, don’t tell me you’re planning to unleash bees on Pinkie.”

“Okay…I won’t tell you that,” Dan said with a shrug.

“DAN!” Elise said sternly. “If you hurt her, I’ll see to it personally that you’re rendered incapable of harming another person again.”

“I’m sorry, was a vague threat supposed to scare me?” Dan asked.

Elise cocked her head slightly. “I can get graphic.”

“Dan,” Chris began, “there are a number of reasons why attacking Pinkie with bees is a bad idea.”

Dan paused, “I’m listening…”

“A...”

“You said ‘number’, that was a letter,” Dan interrupted.

Chris ignored him and continued, “Attacking Pinkie with bees definitely violates the ‘Dan shall not physically harm Pinkie Pie directly or indirectly’ agreement.”

“Oh, come ON! She’s not allergic…probably…” Dan said, rubbing his chin. “She’d be fine…eventually,” he insisted.

“B…”

“Puns aren’t funny, Chris,” Dan replied.

“FINE! 2…”

“Wait, now you’re mixing letters and numbers. Can we start over?”

Chris uttered a frustrated “Gah!” and resorted to listing things on his fingers. Holding up two, he continued, “Gathering bees means a high probability of the gatherer being stung.”

Dan smiled. “That’s why I have you, buddy.”

Chris narrowed his eyes and held up a third finger. “I’m not doing it.”

“Fine! More honey for me,” Dan replied.

Chris paused.

“CHRIS!” Elise called out. “We have honey.”

“Oh, right…” Chris held up a fourth finger. “She might retaliate…violently.”

Dan went silent. He’s got a point…and so does Pinkie. Except her point is at the end of 8 inches of sharp metal…

Chris held up a fifth finger. “Finally, she’s probably the only person on the planet who might anticipate you attacking her with bees and have a beekeeper's suit at the ready.”

“I…" Dan trailed off as he considered this. "Okay, that’s also a pretty valid point,” Dan admitted.

“So, no bees?” Chris asked with raised eyebrows.

“Let’s just call it Plan ‘B’,” Dan said chuckling to himself.

Chris folded his arms, pursed his lips grumpily, and rolled his eyes.

“Why do you even want to attack Pinkie with bees, anyhow?” Elise asked with a knitted brow.

Dan turned to her. “This last week at the apartment has been a living nightmare!” he asserted.

Elise sipped her tea. “For you, or Pinkie?” she asked with a smile.

Dan shot her a glare. “I’ll have you know she’s subjected me to daily tortures!”

Elise and Chris glanced at each other, both remembering that Dan had a tendency to push Pinkie into a rather dark place.

“What kind of tortures?” Chris asked, with a hint of skepticism.

Pinkie pushed her roommate into the bathroom. “You’re having a shower and that’s FINAL!” She shrieked as she closed the door behind Dan.

“I already told you, I smell fine!” Dan shouted through the hollow core door.

“And I already told you that you smell like plot!” Pinkie shot back.

“.... What?” Dan replied.

“YOU HEARD ME!” Pinkie decreed.

“Well, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I understood you…”

“Start cleaning yourself, or I’m coming in there to do it for you!” Pinkie threatened.

“You wouldn’t…”

“Try me,” Pinkie purred, a mischievous grin spreading across her face.

The sound of running water was heard from the bathroom, followed quickly by labored moans.

“…Dan, have you even stepped into the shower yet?”

“I’M GETTING TO IT!”

Dan wailed and whimpered as Pinkie stood behind him, running a toothbrush over his teeth.

“You know,” Pinkie began, “We’d be done already if you just sat still. And this would go a lot quicker if you just did it yourself…”

Dan swatted the offending brush out of his mouth, “Ah-HA! So that’s your game! You’re trying to condition me into performing this tortuous act on myself!” Dan said accusingly. “Well, I won’t be your dog anymore, Pavlov!” Dan made a quick dive for the bathroom door as Pinkie casually reached out and snagged the collar on his shirt, pulling him back into position between her and the sink for the umpteenth time.

Dan stared irritably at her reflection in the mirror in front of him.

“Now say, ‘ah’,” Pinkie said, holding the brush in front of Dan’s face.

Dan sighed, rolled his eyes, opened his mouth, and continued his wailing and whimpering as Pinkie continued to brush his teeth.

“WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?!” Dan demanded, angrily motioning to the bowl in front of him.

“Fruit salad,” Pinkie said nonchalantly.

“Wow! You’ve managed to create the opposite of high concept! You’ve combined two things that no one likes and…”

Pinkie quickly scooped a spoonful of soft, chopped fruits and deposited them into Dan’s open mouth.

“GHAK!” Dan swallowed the soft material and immediately began coughing and making choking noises.

“I…I’ve never felt so violated in my LIFE!” Dan’s expression contorted into fury and he turned to face his foe who had forced fruit inside his face. “How DARE…”

Pinkie inserted another spoonful of fruit into Dan’s mouth, causing Dan to go through another round of coughing and choking.

Dan began to tear up a bit. “Just…sob…just stop…you’re evil…and cruel…and…” Dan quickly found speaking difficult as Pinkie shoveled more fruit into his mouth.

Dan looked back and forth between Chris and Elise with large, sad eyes. Hoping for some amount of sympat…

Chris and Elise broke into fits of laughter.

“I knew you two sadists would take her side!”

“Dan…” Chris began, in between giggles, “… hehe…Forcing good hygiene and... heh… dietary habits on you hardly counts as torture.”

“Oh yeah! Well I’m also forced to deal with her cluelessness on a daily basis.”

Dan leaned against his car and absentmindedly watched the numbers on a gas pump tick upwards. This was followed by a loud ‘click’ as the numbers stopped. He grabbed the gas nozzle, removed it from his car, and sat it back on its gas-pump perch. He glanced up at the gas station.

What is taking that girl so…

Suddenly, the door to the station flew open and Pinkie sprinted back to the car.

“Pinkie? Wha…”

“THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!” Pinkie cried as others also fled the gas station. “GET IN THE CAR AND LET’S GO, GO, GO!”

Being an expert at fleeing potentially dangerous or illegal situations, Dan quickly entered the car, buckled up, and started the engine.

Pinkie, likewise, entered and buckled up as Dan put the car into drive and raced away from the pumps.

“Now, do you mind explaining to me what that was…” Dan was cut off by the sound of multiple explosions. He looked into his rear view mirror to see the gas station engulfed in flames.

Surprise quickly seized Dan’s expression as he turned to his passenger, who was sporting a large, nervous grin.

“So ummm…You know how they say ‘you learn something new every day'?’” Pinkie asked.

“That is a phrase I’m familiar with, yes.” Dan replied.

“Well…today I learned you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave,” Pinkie said, maintaining her nervous grin.

There was an audible ‘smack’ as Dan brought his palm up to his face.

“Oh! Oh! Can I visit the animals?” Pinkie asked excitedly, bouncing up and down.

Dan grabbed a shopping basket and starting walking towards the section in the pet shop marked 'Cats'. “Go nuts,” he replied in a bored tone.

Pinkie flashed a toothy smile and cupped her hands together, raising them to her chin as she bounded off into the store.

Dan followed her with his eyes for a bit, shrugged, and continued walking towards the cat food aisle.

Pinkie approached a glass terrarium full of white mice. She glanced to her right, then left, leaned down close to the case, and putting a hand up to help muffle the sound, and said, “Blink twice if you’re being held against your will.”

One of the white mice looked up and blinked in rapid succession.

“Let’s see…that’ll be $23.75,” The store clerk read out, placing the last can of cat food into a sturdy-looking plastic bag.

Dan took out his wallet and counted the bills inside. Frowning, he looked up and called out, “Hey, Pinkie! Can I borrow--.”

Pinkie dashed into sight, followed by a menagerie of mice, ferrets, birds, lizards, and all manner of pet shop animals. “RUN DAN! Animal Prison break! FREEDOM FOREVER!” Pinkie declared, throwing both fists into the air as she made her way to the door.

“But I haven’t paid!” Dan protested. Oh wait, I rather not pay anyhow...

“NO DAN! Don’t support their totalitarian regime! We must strike against the oppressive animal aristocracy!” Pinkie announced as she held open the door for the myriad recently freed animals.

The shocked store clerk had no time to react as Dan reached for the bag full of canned cat food and clubbed the unsuspecting shop worker with the heavy bag of metal encased meat products across the head.

Pinkie continued to hold open the door as Dan ran past with his bag of cat food cans. “Vive la révolution!” She shouted into the store, slamming the door behind her.

Pinkie stood in front of a large, rectangular object as tears began to form in her eyes. Her sad face reflected back at her as she looked past the glass at various chips, candy bars, and other snack items arranged in neat rows.

Dan took note of his roommate’s troubled expression. Dan gave her an exasperated, “What is it now?”

Pinkie pointed at the object in front of her and sobbed out, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS IS!”

Dan blinked a few times. “It’s a vending machine.” He reached into his pockets. “Here, I think I have…”

Pinkie snapped her fingers. “I got it! Metal Piñata!” She was gone in a pink flash, and back just as quickly with her pink crowbar, wearing a blindfold.

For one brief, shining second, Dan’s world was replaced with the sound of shattering glass, a pink crowbar, and the beautiful pink angel wielding it.

>-ooooooo-<

Dan stood motionless as his mouth hung ajar; His eyes were distant and glazed. His open mouth combined with his stare made it seem as he was in a catatonic, yet mildly euphoric state.

“Uhhh… Dan?” Elise asked.

Dan snapped out of his stupor. “Sorry, I went somewhere for a moment there…”

Chris eyes widened slightly. “So that’s why there were so many candy bars, packages of chips, and trail mix at the last Pinkie party,” he said with an index finger pointed upwards in an 'Ah-ha!' fashion.

Elise regarded Dan with a raised eyebrow. “Really? Pinkie vandalized a vending machine without figuring out what it was first?”

“In her defense,” Dan began, “I did give her a 5-hour energy shot.”

Chris and Elise exchanged shocked expressions.

“Dan! Why would you even think to give her one of those?” Elise demanded.

Dan shrugged. “I had a vendetta against the Van Nuys Airport! I didn’t think I’d get away with bringing explosives. I figured hyping up Pinkie on chemicals was the next best thing.”

Chris paused. “So that’s why they had to shut down the airport for a few days.” He said with an index finger pointed upwards in an 'Ah-ha!' fashion.

Elise knitted her brow. “Dan, can I see your list?”

Dan pulled out a slightly soggy notepad and handed it to Elise.

Chris sat down next to his wife as she flipped open a few pages. As usual, the notepad was full of random names, things, and esoteric concepts. What was unusual was most were crossed out, some crossed out with pink glitter pen complete with hearts, balloons, and a cheerful looking pony with curly hair doodled in the margins.

Elise and Chris exchanged another worried glance as Elise slowly handed the list back to Dan.

“Do you have any examples of things Pinkie has done that aren’t just things you would have done if you thought of them first?” Elise asked from behind her tea cup.

Dan went silent as he thought about this. “Not as such, no…” he admitted. “What’s your point?”

Elise shrugged. “I think living with Pinkie is really good for you!.. If really bad for everyone else…” Elise said, glancing to the side for a second.

“But, but…” Dan whined, “I used to make giant feasts of meat without having to listen to crying! And sit around in my boxers all day! And even blast music as loud as I want!”

“Gee Dan,” Elise responded, “I’m surprised you just don’t pick up your bad habits again and drive Pinkie out.”

Dan’s jaw dropped. “That’s a great idea! Thanks Elise!”

Elise’s eyes went wide, and she extended a hand out to signify 'stop'. “No wait, I--”

Dan was out of the furniture/blanket fort, and out of the house in a flash.

Elise’s hand dropped along with her expression.

“Oh, come on!” Chris said with a frustrated tone.

Elise sighed. “I know…”

“Whenever I come up with an idea, it’s ‘Glad I thought of it, Chris!’” Chris motioned to Elise with both hands. “But when you do it, it’s ‘Thanks Elise!’ Unbelievable!” Chris said, motioning to the sheet ceiling above him with an irritated expression.

Elise sighed as she brought her free palm up to her face.