Chapter 9

I wasn’t looking forward to any of these conversations, really. I just wanted to go home and stare at mare’s backsides all day. Is that too much to ask? Well, according to the bloody Princess of the Crystal Empire, YES.

Not wanting to actually disturb Twilight’s date with Time Turner, or, rather, the morning after, Cadence opted for the next available option: tracking down her Aunt Luna and putting this whole crazy Forget The Awesome spell in place. Fuckin’ killjoy.

While we were walking, the silence was bothering me, so I decided to just ask her some questions. Well, that, and I wanted to annoy the crap out of her. “So, um, Princess Cadence?”

“Yes, Spike?” She’d taken to a much less angry and much more formal tone since her explosion an hour ago. Something about “Not actually my fault” and “Growing young man”. I took it to mean I was getting off easy.

“If you’re the Princess of Love, why is this whole thing bothering you? I mean, you said you could hear everypony’s thoughts, but being attracted to somepony doesn’t mean your in love, right?” I asked, putting on my best “I totally haven’t hit puberty and thus know nothing about the real world” expression.

She stopped for a moment, then sighed, continuing her measured pace. “It’s kind of hard to explain. Yes, I am the Princess of Love, as some call me, but it’s important to be able to tell the difference. I should be more accurate though, and say I can’t read pony’s minds. More like pick up on their emotions. It’s called empathy. And no, not the kind where you’re good at understanding people. I feel the emotions of my subjects when I’m in close proximity of them. And lately the whole castle has been a bloody blast furnace. Which is why I also know that you’re rather upset at me right now, which I understand. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, and I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted,” I said in my big guy voice. Of course, my inner monologue was more like ‘Shit shit SHIT get out of my head you crazy skank!’ but I obviously didn’t say that. Thank Luna.

Oh, speaking of Luna.

OH SHIT IT’S LUNA.

“Auntie!” Cadence called out cheerfully, leaping forward and giving the Moon Princess a hug.

Luna returned it warmly, and smiled. “It’s good to see you, Cadence. Spike,” she added, nodding at me. I smiled weakly and nodded back.

“Your Highness. Good to see you,” I said, although it came out as more of a question. I looked just past her as some movement caught my eye, and I spotted one of those bat-ponies trotting up beside Luna, wearing what looked like a denim jacket and shorts. Twenty bits and a diamond where she got it from.

“Oh Spikey-Wikey!” I heard from far behind the other girls. Boner? Check. Magical dragon dicksheath stealth mode? Double check.

“Hi Rarity!” I called, walking past the Princesses to greet Rarity. Thank the stars she was still naked.

She patted my head and gave me a peck on the forehead, and I hugged her back. “I heard from Princess Luna that you are to thank for her decision to order a whole new wardrobe! Oh, Spikey, you’re such a great helper!” she cooed, almost squeezing the life out of me.

It’s good to be the dragon.

I heard Luna and Cadence talking in the background, but I was busy. “Always happy to help, Rarity! Just let me know if you need some assistance around the shop while you work,” I offered. With luck I could get a free lunch or three out of this.

Rarity was about to answer when a voice rose behind me in anguish. “But Auntiiiieee~” Cadence whined. Oh, boy.

I heard Luna stomp her hoof, and turned around to watch the conversation. “Absolutely not, Cadence. You know that kind of magic is strictly forbidden even on an individual scale.”

Cadence shuddered up and down while she thought about it. “But it’s so... creepy! Please?!”

Luna shook her great mane defiantly. “No. I cannot allow it,” she said with much finality. “However,” she added, lifting Cadence by the chin. “I have been putting some thought into the problem, and believe I have a much more effective solution.”

“Spike,” Rarity asked next to me. “What are they talking about?”

I looked up at the white unicorn goddess. “I have no idea.”

The two of us looked confusedly at each other while the two Princesses spoke in hushed voices. Whatever Luna had suggested, Cadence seemed to like.

Which means I was probably going to hate it.

“Spike!” Luna barked, summoning me forward with a sweep of her hoof. I marched. I’m not stupid.

“Yes, Princess?”

“I need you to take a few letters for me...” she said, trailing off in a sinister tone.

Oh, fuck me.

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Time Turner looked up from his mid-day salad to smile at his... marefriend? He didn’t quite know yet. Last night had been amazing, and he was now internally debating paying a visit to the Ponyville Town Hall to apply for a name change, but for now it was just him and Twilight, enjoying a midday meal.

Twilight looked up and saw him smiling, her cheeks turning read as she looked away with a small grin.

And then the kitchen table caught fire.

Well, not really. The green flame appeared and disappeared in an instant, just enough time to drop a letter into Turner’s unfinished lunch, but still. Fire out of fucking nowhere. “Ahhhh!” he screamed, falling backwards.

“Turner, it’s just dragon post! Just open it,” Twilight laughed, as Time Turner picked himself up from the floor.

He looked sheepishly about, making sure there weren’t any other ponies present to be embarrassed around. “Right, right.”

He unrolled the scroll, and gave it a cursory read. Then another. And finally, he read it so in-depth-ly that had it been written in any language other than Equine he would understand the entire language perfectly just from this one note. Clenching the letter tightly in his hoof, he screamed to the ceiling: “SSSPIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!”

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Muster rolled over from his place on the floor to come muzzle-to-muzzle with a blonde-maned mare. Both had rather loopy expressions, and were wrapping their hooves around each other amicably. “That. Was awesome,” Muster said breathlessly. Ditzy’s warm smile grew as she kissed his muzzle.

“It was pretty great. And the one before that,” she added, nuzzling his neck.

I freakin’ LOVE my job. Muster thought to himself as he pulled the grey mare closer.

He was about to suggest a third go-round when a small burst of green light caught his attention, and a small scroll fell from the sky to bop him on the nose. “...huh,” he said finally, looking at the innocent-enough parchment on the ground. He sat up, scooping the letter in a hoof, and read it. Over and over again. “Oh that bloody little dragon! Imma use his scales for guitar picks!”

Ditzy was very, very confused.

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Several dozen letters later, and a few cries for blood off in the distance that sounded suspiciously like my name, I slumped over the desk at the Ponyville library, finalizing the last letter. Sending it off in a feeble puff of flame, my head dropped to the oak desktop as I panted for breath. “Is that... all?” I asked, looking up at Princess Luna and the other mares around her. Rarity had gone back to work, leaving me with Cadence, the bat pony, and the Princess of the Night. I was so boned.

“Just one more, Spike. I promise. You won’t even need to send it away,” Luna explained in a falsely sweet voice.

My eyes grew wide. ‘Oh, come on!’ “You don’t mean...”

“Of course I do, Spike. After all,” she added, leaning in close. “We need somepony to make an example of.”

I looked with fear over to Cadence, who was smiling cruelly, and the bat pony, who had already volunteered, and was currently making a show of just how hard she could buck.

I turned my manly dragon fists to the sky and cried, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

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To Whom it May Concern:

It has come to the attention of the Royal Courts that there has been a rising series of complaints and incidents relating to leering, sexual advances, and inappropriate behavior stemming from the standard practice of not wearing clothes in public. As such, the Royal Courts have taken it upon themselves to institute a new training regime for guards and civilians alike.

This course will consist of four-hour classes Saturday and Sunday for the next three weeks, taking place in both Ponyville and Canterlot. If you are receiving this letter, you are expected to attend. Refusal to do so is considered willful disobedience of a Royal Decree. Punishment for having done so can be researched at your local library, Town Hall, or local authorities.

Audience participation is to be expected. There will not be refreshments served, nor will there be a break during class. Please prepare for both of these scenarios.

Please show this letter at the door of your local training center upon arrival. Failure to do so will result in mandatory audience participation.

We look forward to seeing you at the First Annual Sexual Harassment Seminar and Training Course.

Respectfully,

Princess Luna

Author's Notes:

I know I promised a longer chapter, but that was when I had an entirely different ending in mind.

I think this wraps up things quite nicely, honestly.

AND I FINALLY FINISHED A STORY! HAHAHAHAHA!