Chapter 8

Muster’s first thought was that Ditzy had some kind of favorite coffee shop, bakery, or restaurant that she frequented. It would not surprise him: most of his friends had frequents hangouts that they would brag about and drag their friends or relatives to at any given opportunity. It wasn’t uncommon for him to eat somewhere new every night in a place like Canterlot if he just asked a friend where there favorite eatery was.

So when he first came to the small two-story house, he assumed it to be some kind of mom-and-pop store. A small little hideaway restaurant, or a family-owned business where the owners slept upstairs. Well, the owners, in fact, did sleep upstairs, so he was confident in his ability to be right about one thing.

The rest, however? No. No, no, no.

This small thatched-roof home was in fact the residence of a one Ditzy Do. The self-proclaimed best muffin artisan in Ponyville. While he wasn’t about to go arguing with her reputation, he did find it odd that a pegasus he’d must met had invited him into her home. A pegasus mare, on top of that. “So, do you always bake at home? I thought you were a mailmare?”

Ditzy looked over her shoulder from her post in the kitchen. She had gone straight for the oven when they’d arrived, and had instructed Muster to wait patiently at a table in the adjacent dining room. “Of course! Sometimes I even sell my muffins at Sugarcube Corner when I need some extra cash! Being a mailmare pays ok, but I do seem to get a lot of bills from the city about property damage.”

He decided to skirt the obvious question of “why” entirely, instead asking, “So what kind of muffins are you making now?”

Her answer was preceded by her opening the oven door and inhaling deeply, which Muster noticed was accompanied by a rather intriguing back arch. “Chocolate chip cinnamon!” she exclaimed, grabbing some pot holders off of the counter and pulling out the fresh tray of baked goods. Muster could smell them from here, they were indeed heavenly to the nostrils. Although it wasn’t a combination he had tried often before, he was looking forward to it now. “They should be cooled in just a moment. Would you like a drink or something?” she asked, turning to root through her refrigerator. Of course, the fridge was at the far side of the kitchen, granting him a rather pleasing view of her backside while she perused her own stock.

He sighed briefly, then, catching himself before he made a total ass of the situation, responded, “Oh, water should be fine. I try to stay well hydrated on days I’m working.”

She didn’t seem to have heard him at first, spending a few more seconds in the refrigerator. Then, she climbed out, closed the door, and rooted through a nearby cabinet for glasses. “I thought I had some bottled water or something, but I guess tap will have to do. You don’t mind, do you?”

Mmmm, tap. NO. BAD Muster. “Yes, that’s fine. I’d imagine the tap water in such a small town is much cleaner than it would be in Canterlot.” Great idea, Corporal. Talk about tap water. That’ll get you some.

Ditzy poured them both a glass and marched them over the table. On the way, however, he noticed her eye start to wander, and her hoof step just a little too far to the right.

Jumping into action, he leapt forward, just as her stray step landed on a loose floorboard. He caught her in plenty of time to keep her from hitting the ground, but the water was a lost cause. In tripping, Ditzy had inadvertently sent them flying in the air, where they came down with a couple of soft clunks on top of each of their heads. Muster had just long enough to register that something was missing before the water, too, came back down, and soaked both of them.

Ditzy coughed up a small bit of water. “Ptoo, tpoo. That wasn’t... that wasn’t supposed to happen...” she said sheepishly. She stared up at him from her pose in his arms, giving him a quiet, apologetic smile.

Dear god she looks great with her mane wet. And those eyes... damn. Muster, however, was a professional, and instead of following his natural instincts of ravishing the grey pegasus on the spot, instead helped her to her hooves, and walked behind her to grab a towel out of the handle of the refrigerator door. “It’s ok. At least part of me got hydrated, so I can’t complain.” He turned around and handed her the towel to dry off.

The effect was something out of a cheesy romance novel. Her mane, though alluring as it was when it was soaking wet, took on a new, fluffy, altogether voluminous look when dried properly. Ever the epitome of self-control, however, Muster decided to hide his growing blush by accepting the offered, and mildly damp, towel, and completely burying his face in it. I’ve got to do something about this.. He collected the glasses off the floor, so as to have somewhere else to look, and asked, “So, shall I try this ‘water’ thing again?” Without waiting for a response, he wheeled round again to head back into the kitchen.

Or, tried to, as he was suddenly wheeled around.

---------------------

Ditzy had figured that inviting the stallion into her home ought to have been a decent flag for attention. After all, even in a place like Ponyville, where everyone was neighborly, there was still something to be said aobut not taking perfect strangers of the opposite gender into your home.

He probably thinks we’re going to some restaurant or something. Cute. Waving him through the front door like a proper hostess, she directed him to take a seat in a chair with a perfect view of the kitchen. Now let’s see if those magazines were right about this stuff.

“So, do you always bake at home? I thought you were a mailmare?” she heard from behind her. Ooh, he’s starting tohe conversation himself. Perfect. Now I don’t have to come up with something cheesy to talk about.

“Of course! Sometimes I even sell my muffins at Sugarcube Corner when I need some extra cash! Being a mailmare pays ok, but I do seem to get a lot of bills from the city about property damage.” No, you moron! Don’t talk about that! He’ll think you’re a walking disaster! It was a good thing she had her back to him so he couldn’t see her flinch.

“So what kind of muffins are you making now?” Muster asked. He was either trying to divert the conversation, or hadn’t noticed the statement.

Perfect. Ok, now, what did the magazine say about baking stuff? Inhale deeply, arch your back, puff out your chest... “Chocolate chip cinnamon!” she said, adding a satisfying “mmm” at the end, although she wasn’t sure if he heard that. He chanced a glance over, and saw him looking at her. She wasn’t sure if he was staring. Did... did I do it right? “They should be cooled in just a moment. Would you like a drink or something?” she asked, moving along. She dove into her fridge, trying to make it look like she was rooting around. In all honesty, all she had was milk and water, mostly for baking.

“Oh, water should be fine. I try to stay well hydrated on days I’m working.”

YES. Ok, what did they say about water? Water... water... She hung around in the fridge for a little while while she thought, taking the opportunity to point her rear end at him for a few more seconds. Oh, yeah! Soak him! Or something... Climbing out of her appliance, she hastily responded, “I thought I had some bottled water or something, but I guess tap will have to do. You don’t mind, do you?”

She glanced over to him again. He was still looking at her. Whether out of manners or... well, the lack of them, she couldn’t tell. “Yes, that’s fine. I’d imagine the tap water in such a small town is much cleaner than it would be in Canterlot.”

I... what? What does that... no. Don’t get distracted. He’s just making small talk. You can do this. Ditzy poured the two glasses of water, and took one in each wing. She thought very carefully as she walked. Ok, the loose floorboard should be about... there. Just a little to the right, and... She gasped quietly as her hoof hit the board. It hurt a little more than she thought. She took the opportunity to carelessly let the glasses fall.

Or tried to. As it turned out, he had all the reflexes somepony would expect a guard to have. He rushed from his seat and scooped her up before she could fall. Which, to be honest, wasn’t that bad of a feeling. He had really strong arms and a nice barrel chest.

Then the glasses came down. And the water. Her vision flooded slightly as she was drenched. ““Ptoo, tpoo. That wasn’t... that wasn’t supposed to happen...” she muttered. Her plan hadn’t worked very well. She looked up at him, wondering if he was mad her little escapade had gotten them soaked.

Although what she saw was pleasantly surprising. Muster was staring at her with a great deal of... well... immoral intent in his eyes. Maybe this could work. She tried to scoot a little closer, but instead, he shook his head, propped her back up on her hooves, and went to fetch a towel. “It’s ok. At least part of me got hydrated, so I can’t complain.”

What? No, don’t leave! Come back and stare at me some more! Even so, she didn’t want to be impolite. She took the offered towel, and dried herself properly. Then she saw him staring, again. That same lustful look in his eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but he snatched the towel and buried his face in it.

“So, shall I try this ‘water’ thing again?” he asked, turning around.

Oh, that’s it. Come here! Ditzy all but yelled the last two words out loud, spinning the stallion on his heels till he faced her. She was all determination, the kind of stubborn affection that comes from a severe lack of romantic interludes over an extended period of time. Not waiting for him to drum up some other excuse or find a way out, she all but launched herself forward and planted her lips on his.

-------------

Muster was a great many things. Easily amused? Sure. Well composed? Of course. Great at his job? Naturally.

Easily surprised? I’ll take “What the hell just happened?” for a thousand, Alex.

Before he knew what was going on, he was spun on his heels, and suddenly staring into the eyes of a rather impatient -and ravenous-looking- mare. Then, they were kissing.

I am the best guard EVER and I love this job!

------------

I am the worst assistant EVER and I hate this job! I thought, as the so-called “Princess of Love” backed me into a corner.

“Do you have any idea what kind of chaos you’ve sown the seeds of? I can feel it all the way in Canterlot! Half the guards have been... tainted by your revelation thanks to Princess Celestia’s nonsensical rambling about public nudity! Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep yourself composed when nearly every guard around you is basically drooling over every mare they see?! I’m the Princess of freaking LOVE! I. HEAR. EVERYTHING. I thought bringing my husband back home to spend some time with the family would be a great idea, but nooooo! You had to go and hit puberty on a national scale!” She was furious, blushing shades of red I was pretty sure were reserved for cheesy romance novels and Satan.

I honestly had no words. “I... uh... whu...”

“And on TOP of that, my Auntie Luna has decided to completely redo her wardrobe! Which, to be honest, doesn’t sound like a horrible thing, except for the fact that she’s dragging guards away from the castle, doesn’t SHUT. UP. About your stupid dream she visited, not to mention that Time-Turning muttonhead, who I WILL be talking to later... Ooh.... I’m so frustrated right now I could EXPLODE. Half the town is a buzz with this nudity nonsense, and I can’t shut any of it out! So here’s. What. We’re gonna. Do,” she added, poking me hard in the chest with her hoof. “We’re gonna go talk to Twily. She’s gonna help me make a spell to help ponies forget all about this whole naked thing. And should you come to this... horrid conclusion all on your own again, I will be there. To stop it. Savvy?!”

“...Yes’m.”

“Now where, exactly, is my adorable, hopefully untainted, favorite little filly?” she asked, presumably trying to sound more innocent. She seemed more calm, at least, having vented a little.

“Oh, she’s on a date with Time... Turner...” oops.

“...”

“Princess Cadence?” I asked meekly.

“RAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!”

Author's Notes:

Well, the second longest chapter, inspired by a few comments, and leading into the finale.

Which, actually, is next chapter. but don't worry: It'll be a doozy. Like, really long. Maybe even 3k words!