Chapter 7

Now, having a member of the Lunar Guard bear hug you isn’t something you expect to wake up to everyday. Or really, any day. Ever. But this told me three important things: one, this idea of mine is spreading. Fast. Especially if ponies in the castle now know about it.

Two, Luna’s here.

Three, son of a bitch the Princess of the Night is in Ponyville god-dammit.

Ok, ok, no time to panic. You’ve already warned the guys she’s coming. And they’ve probably told a bunch of other ponies. Plus she has like, a Royal Procession, right? No way somepony’s going to get caught off guard. Anyway, I’ve got more important things to do.

Like cleaning, unfortunately. While I may be a manly penis-ninja from the lands of Bareassia, somebody’s got to make sure the library doesn’t turn into a fire hazard. Again.

Oh, believe me, it’s happened before. There’s nothing like consoling a bookworm who’s collection is now a pile of pretty lights and smoke inhalation. Mmm, smoke inhalation.

While thinking about whether or not it would be worth my time to light a bonfire in the street, since we don’t have a backyard because we live in a house in the middle of the street (don’t even get me started), I put up some of the books that have been left out, leaving the ones that look like Twilight’s been using them for active research, and stow away loose materials, take out trash, and the like. It’s something to do, if nothing else.

I keep to my tasks for a couple of hours, and am just about finished when there’s another knock on the door.

My first thought is that it’s Twilight, having locker herself out again, but now she just teleports wherever she wants to go. Maybe it’s another guard or something.

And once again, I’m completely wrong.

“Um, Your Highness?”

--------

Muster was thoroughly enjoying his day. Everywhere he looked, mares were naked. He would go about his appointed tasks, and there they would be. Naked mares. It was like waking up to find you weren’t dreaming at all. A glorious, glorious day. His Princess allowed him a brief moment to say hello to “a friend in town”, but for the most part he spent the day by her side, being guardly and intimidating.

It was no small grace that he had been well trained to hide his emotions, lest somepony try and distract him whilst he be on guard duty. He could stare out openly into female-heavy crowds of ponies and revel in his new found appreciation for standard clothing conventions. I.e., naked.

Every once in a while, while she was in the presence of an Element, Luna would allow either Muster or Eve to run off for a moment and see the sights or do something fun. Muster spent his free time just strolling around town. It was rare that he actually spend any time mingling with non-guard ponies. Between his duties and the barracks, and his friends from his graduating academy class, he really didn’t do much to socialize.

So he took the opportunity to strike up a conversation with a few different ponies, including this one rather entertaining mare with a lazy eye who delivered the mail. At least, that’s what she said she was doing. With her head in a tree.

He came upon this mare by chance while walking through a side street, looking for something unconventional to eat. Luna had let him go out wandering while Eve stayed with the princess, as they were headed to Rarity’s, and she did not want a male guard present while she was being “measured”.

He was just turning a corner when he heard the rather distinct sounds of a pony struggling with something heavy. Casting his well-trained gaze about, his eyes settled immediately on what could only be the source of the noise.

Ok, the fact that it was where the noise was coming from was a total coincidence. He started staring because there was a shapely grey mare shaking her ass in the air with her head stuck in the hole of a tree. To anypony else, she was obviously trying to break free of the tree. To Muster, she was probably doing the same thing, but naked. “Would you like some help, miss?” He called into the tree trunk, after taking a moment to admire the scenery.

The scenery would be the swaying pony ass, by the way.

“Oh, yes please!” She called out from within the hollow. “I’m stuck!”

Being a gentlecolt of every fashion, form, and training, he diligently wrapped his hooves around her waist, and pulled heartily. It took a few tugs, but eventually, with a rather loud pop, she broke free. Of course, in true and predictable form, they both tumbled flank over teakettle and landed in a big tangled mess in the middle of the street.

They took a moment to extricate themselves, at which point Muster stood to attention like a proper guard, while the grey mare brushed herself off. She looked up to the pegasus guard and smiled brightly, her eyes slightly out of focus with the world. “Oh, thanks, sir!” she cried happily. Her voice had a light, boyish tone to it, something Muster found almost endearing.

“So how, if you don’t mind me asking, did you get stuck in the tree?” he asked, trying to maintain polite conversation.

She smiled weakly, blushing and not meeting his gaze. Kind of. “Well, you see, I have this thing with my eyes, where one of them will go out of focus at a moment’s notice. It kinda slides off to the side or does it’s own thing, and if that happens when I’m flying, then down I go. Lucky I landed in a tree with a nest in it. I’ve landed in houses before, and it’s not very much fun.”

He thought this over partly considering offering some kind of advice, which was the polite thing to do, and partly because he was trying to fully understand what she said. Once he’d wrapped his head around the explanation, and realized he knew absolutely nothing about optometry, he simply nodded and said, “Well, I’m glad I was able to help. What’s your name?”

“My name’s Ditzy Doo, but my friends call me Derpy. What’s yours?” she asked, holding out a hoof to shake.

He took it. “My name’s Muster. I’m here as part of Princess Luna’s private entourage. She’s here on a personal visit,” he explained. He’d been ordered earlier not to disclose the need for clothes both mares shared.

Derpy flapped her wings excitedly, lifting slightly off the ground. “Ooh, I really like her! She’s the best at spider-toss!” and she went on to explain all that she had seen of the princess during the last Nightmare Night festival.

Muster listened interestedly as she went on, and when she finished, he nodded again, with a smile. “Yes, the Princess recalls that night fondly. Listen, I’d love to keep talking, but I am starving. Is there someplace I could, or maybe we could, go for some food?”

Derpy’s eyes lit up as she smiled, an expression that Muster noted suited her rather well. “Oh, yes! I know just the place!”

“Then please, lead on.”

--------

Princess Luna and Eve approached the boutique with a mixed sense of apprehension, relief, and urgency. Both felt the need to put something on right now, but were trained in patience and tact. At least, until they got to the door.

Eve’s loud knocking was immediately greeted by a light, feminine voice shouting, “Coming!” from somewhere in the building. Soon after, the bell above the shop door rang, as Rarity stepped outside.

Or, at least, started to. Once she saw who was waiting for her, she froze in her tracks. “P-p-Princess Luna! Your majesty!” she cried out, bowing deeply. “It’s an honor to meet you in pony at last!”

Princess Luna smiled graciously. Yes, the two mares had been in the same room, but most if not all of Luna’s interaction with the Element bearers had been with, well, everypony BUT Rarity. Even during Royal events they did not speak more than a courteous greeting to each other. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Rarity. Twilight speaks highly of your abilities as a designer and seamstress, as does my sister. It is on her recommendation that I am here.”

If Rarity had been a bomb, she’d have gone off. “Princess Celestia recommended me personally!” this statement was followed by a girlish shriek that nearly bowled Eve over. It was actually in standing herself up again did Rarity notice her. “Oh, dear, I’m very sorry. I tend to lose myself in the moment sometimes, I hope you understand.”

Eve nodded, adjusting her hair from it’s currently “blown back in completely the opposite direction by wind shear” look. “It’s ok. Listen, I heard you make clothes? Do you have something that might fit a pegasus mare about my build?”

Rarity looked curiously over to the Princess, who nodded, then returned her attention to the Lunar Guard. “Of course, darling. It would be a pleasure. Let me show you both what I have, and if you’d like something more tailored, I’d be happy to make some arrangements. Your highness,” she added, turning to face Luna, “I’d like to get some measurements done as soon as possible. Perhaps you, miss,” she gestured to Eve, “can have a look around while we are working?”

Eve nodded, satisfied with this answer.

Luna also seemed to appreciate this approach. “Yes, and once we are done, I’d like you to direct me to the one named Spike. I would like to have a word with him.”

---------

Now, I’ve dealt with a lot of different things in my life. Growing up, growing down, getting bitten, scratched, dropped, beaten, torched, and a variety of other things that make me very happy every day that I have scales and a dragon’s hide. I’ve helped fight changelings, demonic stallion kings, Chaos Gods, and maniacal rulers of legend.

This doesn’t mean I wasn’t terrified half the time. There’s a fine line between facing down a tangible threat to Equestria and the stuff nightmares are made of. Especially since most of the time they often seem to be one and the same.

But nothing, and I mean nothing, is really the same as having a rather angry princess (and not the one you live with) stare you down in your own doorway. “Um, Your Highness? Is there something I can help you with?”

“Oh, you know exactly why I’m here, Spike,” growled Cadence.

Author's Notes:

Oh, snap.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

NO. NO YOU DID NOT.