(Author’s Note: Featured story. What. You guys are amazing, thanks!)

Chapter 3

I looked over the letter a couple of times to make sure I read it right. Apparently Princess Celestia, i.e. the literal most important pony on the planet, wrote Twilight about my dream last night. All is not lost, however. The more I read, the more the letter talked about how Princess Luna found me having an “Inappropriate dream. One depicting mares in an objectified light, with disturbing implications.” Nothing about the whole mass public nudity thing.

Well, then. This I can deal with. I look up at Twilight, and raise an eyebrow. “Objectifying mares? Really?”

She shakes her head disapprovingly. “I’m disappointed, Spike. I just don’t see how you could view mares in such a torrid manner.”

I think about it for a second. How, exactly, can I turn this around on it’s head? Wait, I got it. “Twilight, you can’t be serious. Every single pony in the free world with authority over me is a mare. All of my friends are mares. ‘Cept like 4 dudes. How can you possibly think I see you girls as anything less than successful, capable ponies?”

I felt the letter tug out of my claws, and watch her float it away with magic. “Then explain this ‘inappropriate dream’ you had,” she grumbles, staring unpleasantly at me.

Oh here we go. “Oh, it was kind of cool. I was sitting there watching a cute mare pole dance, then Princess Luna showed up and we talked for awhile. Then she left and I woke up a little later.”

Her expression went from that of disapproval to shock. “Pole dancing?! Wh-wh-whereever did you see anything like that?!”

And there it is. My out. I waltzed over to her desk, pulled out a small little book with a dark red cover, and flipped to a page. “‘Star Crossed stared openly at the vision of beauty before him’,” I read aloud. “‘Her spinning, gyrating technique too much for his male mind to process, his carnal desires tore through him like a hot knife as she fell upside down on the pole and-’” she tore the book out of my hand. “I don’t think Princess Celestia would appreciate knowing you leave such... ‘inappropriate’ material lying around for an impressionable young dragon like me to find, Twilight,” I explained with a checkmate sneer.

I had her and she knew it. She coughed furiously and hid the book behind her wing. “I... well... you really shouldn’t go through my things, Spike!”

I crossed my arms and looked at her. We’d had this conversation before. “An unlocked drawer in a common area of the house. Not snooping. Unless you want to pony up to invading my privacy and reading my letter to Rarity that I stashed on a shelf in the back.”

She blushed, then glared at me. “You... you...” she sighed, defeated. “Fine. Just... go outside. I’ll come up with a letter to the Princess myself. And don’t forget, today’s the day we have lunch with the girls!”

I waved at her as I walked out the door. “Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled, really not wanting to deal with this any more.

-------

At least, I’d wanted to sound grumpy when I left. By the time I’d gotten halfway to Sweet Apple Acres I was grinning like a fool. “Crisis averted,” I told myself. “Spike, you are the man.”

“Spike!” a voice called out from behind me. “Wait up!” I turned around, and saw Time Turner running at me. He looked panicked.

I waited for him to catch up. “What’s going on, dude?” I asked as he caught his breath.

He stopped for a moment to breathe, then explained. “We may have a problem. I had a... dream last night.”

Uh oh. “It didn’t involve Princess Luna, did it?”

His eyes got wide. “How in Tartarus did you know that?!”

“She visited mine, too. But I wouldn’t worry. Princess Celestia already sent Twilight a letter...” I explained the contents of the letter and the Princess’s complaints. “So unless Princess Luna’s also caught the meme I’m pretty sure we’re fine. And I’d probably have read something like that in the letter if she had. Come on, let’s go talk to the guys, see if they’ve got anything to say about it.”

Time Turner nodded his head. “Right. You’re right! There’s brain power in numbers. We can figure this out.”

I shook my head as we walked. Time Turner was not only the most observant, but the most chronically neurotic, stallion in Ponyville. He could give some of the girls a run for their money. Maybe even Twilight.

Hey, Twilight.... “Oh Time Turner?”

He glanced over at me. “What?”

“What do you think of Twilight?”

---------

Princess Luna had had a very rough evening. So much so that she had gotten little to no sleep during the day. In fact, it was noon and she was wide awake. Now, it wasn’t that she was opposed to the sun, in fact, she was rather proud of her sister’s crowning achievement. She just wish she didn’t have to be near it so much.

Which, of course, was probably why she was sitting in a small room in the middle of the castle far removed from natural light. Even the sunlight pouring through her bedroom windows was pissing her off, now. She sprawled herself across a couch, tossing and turning, trying to get back to sleep. She’d calmed down a bit from the ‘Naked truth’ she’d dealt with all last night, but it still dug at her a little bit.

“Oh, this is no good. I cannot get my mind out of the proverbial gutter. What is WRONG with me?!” she cried out to nopony in particular. She was about to continue her monologue when she was distracted by loud giggling and crashing about right outside the door. She had a moment to remember she hadn’t locked it when it flew open, and two ponies stumbled through it, falling onto each other on the floor.

The first thing she noticed was that they were in clothes. More specifically, Wonderbolt uniforms. She even recognized them. “Miss Spitfire? Mister Soarin?” she called out inquisitively.

They jumped up like they’d heard a gunshot. “What, what, what?!” Soarin called out, looking around. His eyes finally settled on the Princess. “Wh-Princess Luna! You’re here! Why are you here?! Not that you’re not allowed to be here oh my this isn’t what it looks like I don’t even know this mare wait that came out wrong-” he was stopped mid-rant by a hoof across the back of his head.

A mildly irate looking Spitfire glared at her companion before turning her attention to the Princess. “Princess Luna, I do apologize for interrupting... whatever it is you were doing here. We’ll leave you alone, if you wish.”

Luna thought about that, then shook her head. “Why bother? I am not getting any rest any time soon. I came here to sleep because it is the only room with a couch without sunlight in it that I could find, and I am exhausted.”

Soarin, having come to his senses, asked politely, “Bad night?”

“You do not know the half of it. On a... mildly related note,” she added, staring at the two in their Wonderbolt uniforms. “Let me ask, why do you wear those?” She pointed a hoof at Spitfire’s outfit.

“Wind resistance,” she said simply. “It’s sleeker than any coat, allows freedom of movement, and protection against the cold at high altitude.”

Luna nodded. “That all seems rather practical. But why do you wear them outside of practice and performances?”

The reaction wasn’t what she expected. Spitfire glanced off to the side with a slight blush, and Soarin turned bright red. “Well, that’s... um... hard to explain-” he started.

“It’s sexy,” Spitfire interrupted. When Luna looked confused, she elaborated: “Not only because they’re form-fitting, which is awesome, but there’s... kind of a hard to explain aspect to it. You know how the majority of society doesn’t wear clothes?”

Luna hung her head. “Yes, painfully aware.”

“Well,” Spitfire continued, “It’s kind of been this unwritten rule amongst Wonderbolts to always wear your uniform. Just in case you’re called out for any reason. A kind of emergency thing. So we always got used to wearing them. Thus, we only take them off when there’s a pertinent need to do so.”

Luna raised her eyebrows. “I am afraid I don’t follow.”

Spitfire blushed. “Yeah, that’s where it gets a little complicated. You see, after having worn clothes for so long, you get used to it. And after a while, you start to associate being nude with... certain activities. Thus, not having them on seems a little... naughty.”

The gears turned in the Princess’s head. Then something clicked. “Oh, yes, I see! You wear them because NOT wearing them implies that you are about to...” and that’s when she noticed the rather disheveled appearance of the two. Spitfire’s uniform was mostly unzipped, and Soarin already had a wing out of his. “Oh, I... you were going to...”

Spitfire nodded. “Yeah...”

Luna blushed, but nodded politely. “Then I shall leave you two alone. Far be it from me to intrude on my subject’s... personal affairs.” She started to trot out of the room, and a thought came to her. “Wait. Clothes. That is it! YES!” She cried, running out of the room at full speed.

Soarin stared after her. “I wonder what that was about...” he trailed off as Spitfire’s hoof rested on his chest.

“Shut up,” she told him, “and take that uniform off.”

--------

“No,” Princess Celestia said patiently. Her sister, Luna, stared up at her pleadingly.

“But I have not even told you my plan, Tia!” she whined.

Celestia nodded her head. “I’m willing to bet it involves ordering all ponies to wear clothes. While I can understand your discomfort, ordering such a large societal change and making it mandatory borders on tyranny. Should the trends change on their own, then maybe, but we cannot...”

Luna shook her head. “No, no, no! Not for all of them, dear sister. ME! I want clothes!”

Celestia was taken aback. “Oh. I... had not expected that.” She mulled it over for a moment. “Yes, I can see how that would curb your anxiety. In fact...” she thought for a moment, glancing over to a certain stained glass window portraying six particular mares. “I may have somepony perfect for the job...”

---------

“For the last time, no, Spike! I’m not sleeping with your boss!” Time Turner huffed, as they made their way onto the farm.

“Oh come on, Turner! You’re like, the only stallion in a bajillion miles smart enough to impress her! And she neeeeeeeds to get out!” I was practically begging. It had sounded like such a good idea. She so needs to get some and get out of my scales.

Time Turner stopped and rounded on me. “We are NOT discussing this further. Now, let’s go find Big Ma-”

“Howdy, y’all!” interrupted a particular farmgirl.We glanced over to see Applejack leaning on a fence. “What brings you here?”

Spike waved. “Oh hey, Applejack. We’re here to talk to Big Mac. He around?”

She shook her head. “Nah, ah ain’t seen him. Ah think he’s in town.” She hopped over the fence, and trotted over. “Did ya need something?”

Time Turner blushed slightly at her proximity, Applejack having trotted rather close. “Um, it’s just that we had a good time talking to him yesterday, and we thought maybe he’d like to hang out today.” I nodded in agreement.

Applejack gave me a look. “How’d that talk go, anyway?” she asked nervously.

I had to think about it. “Oh? Oh! Yeah, it was great. The guys did the best they could, considering they’re not dragons. But I got a bunch of questions answered.” ‘Even if I was the one being asked...’ I thought to myself. Then I had an idea. “Hey, Applejack, could you do me a favor?”

“It’s not... anything related to ‘that’, is it?” she asked.

“What? No, no! You’re fine. I was just wondering if you could knock me down a few apples. I got rushed out of the house this morning and haven’t had a bite to eat,” I explained.

She brightened up, and nodded. “Well, sure, little buddy. One breakfast, coming up!” she trotted happily away to a nearby apple tree.

I leaned on Time Turner’s back, waiting for her to get to work. He gave me a sideways glance. “What are you doing?”

“Just wait for it,” I explained. We watched carefully as Applejack bucked the tree lightly, letting only a few apples fall. Then again, as she used her hind legs to kick them in the air in a show of athletic ability, catching them in the hat she now held in her mouth. I could feel Time Turner twitch uncomfortably at the excellent display of... posterior muscles. “Nothing at all,” I whispered, as she came back. His ears twitched rapidly. Dude should not play poker.

Applejack spilled the apples in front of me. “Here ya go, buddy. Now, sorry to leave you, but I got some work to do. Bye now!” she waved, propping her hat on her head and trotting away.

“Bye!” I waved back, and watched her leave. Ho boy, did I watch her leave. Damn.

Time Turner swallowed hard. Then looked over at me as I picked up an apple, polished it lightly, and bit into it. “So, um... Twilight’s single, is she?”

Checkmate.

Author's Notes:

Ok, as of writing him so much, Spike is becoming a fast favorite of mine. At least, bro-tier pervert Spike is.

I’m glad you guys like this story so much. I had absolutely no idea this would get popular enough to be a featured story. Excellent.

Now, I know I alluded to some shitstorming this Chapter, but something that glorious needs some build-up.

Patience, my friends.