(Author’s Note: Ok, what the fuck? I dropped this like in the middle of the night and when I woke up my notification box had a seizure. Jeebus. Well, you guys apparently like this shit, so I decided to patch together another chapter for you. Here ya go.)

Chapter 2

So I finally get home after hanging out with the guys, and I drop the ink off on the table next to Twilight. She’s passed out on top of a book. Again.

So, being the well-prepared and totally boss assistant that I am, I go find a roll of cellophane, and bring it back into the living room. Lifting her head like a sack of flour (Sweet Celestia this girl can sleep through anything), I drape a sheet of plastic wrap over her book, and drop her head ungracefully back onto... The Great Big Book of Everything Mares Need to Know. EVER.

I take one look at the page she’s on, and roll my eyes. I swear to the moon, as nerdy as this girl is, she’s somehow found a way to outsmart puberty long enough to get it in her twenties. This chick seriously needs to get laid.

But for now, I have more pressing matters to attend to. Like sleep. Sweet, delicious unconsciousness.

Then my stomach growls. Oh yeah, food.

I dig into the closet and pull out this big chest of gems and stones and stuff, and kick it open. Picking out a choice-sized ruby, I shove the rest back into the closet under the stairs and head to my room to snack and then sleep.

------

Funny thing, sleep. You never know exactly what’s going to happen. In your dreams, I mean.

I can’t say I was surprised at my dream. Just me sitting in a booth at some random club ( I think it’s a club. I mean, I’ve seen them on TV), while some random mare shakes her flank at me. Ok, this I could totally have seen coming. I spend all day staring at pony ass and now it’s in my dreams. Cause and effect, right?

Well, there’s one small problem with dreams in Equestria: they’re a total crapshoot. At least, they have been ever since Luna came back. Yeah, I know it’s her job to protect people from nightmares and grant restful sleep to everypony, but still. Every once in a while, she’ll just waltz into a dream.

Just like now.

I stared past the pole-dancing mare to see the freakin’ Princess of the Night staring at me blankly. I want to shout out something like “Don’t judge me!”, but come on. Princess. I’m asleep, not stupid. So instead, I just wave at her. “Sup.”

She trots over and sits next to me in my booth. The mare on the pole just keeps dancing. Then Luna turns to look at me, and says, “So, young Spike. I see you’ve started to become a man.”

Started? Oh, honey. “Well, this is apparently what happens when you spend all day staring at flank.” What? I’m dreaming. Not like I’m responsible for anything I say. “So yeah. This is happening.”

She looks at the mare on the pole, who is currently upside down, and back to me. “And where, pray tell, were you... staring at flank all day?”

“Just around town. It’s crazy. You’d think ponies would notice. But nope,” I take a sip from a drink I don’t remember holding. Pretty sure it’s supposed to be alcohol, but having never HAD alcohol (dammit Twilight), it tastes somewhat like juice.

“Notice? You mean there were public displays?” She seems shocked.

I shake my head. “No, no. Just like, everypony is naked. All the time.”

She stops and thinks about this. “Yes, that is normal. Even I am naked.”

I look over at her, and, this being my dream so fuck the rules, I give her ass a good once over. Holy Tartarus. “Yeah, and it’s awesome.”

Luna blushes brazenly, and stammers. “Wh-why I... Spike! This is-”

“A dream, right? You’re not real,” I interrupt. She stops, and blinks. Yeah, you forgot that whole bit where you say you’re dreamwalking, huh? Got ya.

After shaking her head, she coughs, and straightens her mane out of habit. “Yes. Yes! This is... a dream. And you should... enjoy it. Good night, Spike.” She gets up and walks away.

“Good night, moonbutt!”

--------

Luna woke with a start, having jostled herself out of her trance. Such a brazenly mature dream. And ‘Moonbutt’? Wherever did he... oh. Right. Moon, on her flanks. Clever.

The Princess of the night stood up and shook a few stray thoughts out of her head, deciding to take a walk around the castle before resuming her nightly dreamwalking duties. However, something still echoed in her head. ‘Everypony is naked. All the time.’ She tapped her forehead lightly with a hoof to chase away the thought.

Then she opened her bedroom door.

The two guards standing post outside turned to look back at her, one male, one female. “Are you alright, Princess?” The female asked.

Luna blinked, taking notice of their uniforms, and how they offered no... concealment in certain areas. “I... yes, yes, I’m fine. Just a rather... interesting dream I stumbled upon.”

The male guard laughed. “Clowns or midgets?” The female smacked him upside the head with a bat wing, and he shut up, standing at attention again.

The Princess gave him a once over. “No, um, nothing like that...” ‘Naked, all the time.’ “I just... need some fresh air.”

The two guards shrugged and stepped to the side to let her pass. Luna decided the best course of action would be to walk this off and forget all about it.

But she couldn’t forget about it. Every servant she passed, every guard at their post, brought back the stark reminder of the... ‘naked’ truth. “Don’t panic, Luna,” she told herself. “This is just... a thing. A thing that will go away. Like suddenly remembering you have ears. Or that one song that keeps playing in your head. You’ll be fine.” She nodded politely as one of the cooks for the Night Court walked past, pushing a tray of food. She noticed his rather large chef’s coat actually did cover him properly.

Grateful for the bit of respite, she turned to give a proper greeting to the stallion-

Only to realize that, while his coat did in fact cover his flanks, it stopped at his tail. Which she could blatantly see past every time it waved back and forth. “Oh dear me I’m ogling the help,” she muttered to herself, after coming out of her flank-induced reverie.

A brief respite offered itself in the form of an empty hallway as she turned a corner. She sighed heavily and walked forward, trying to force other thoughts into her head to blot out the nakedness. ‘I know,’ she thought to herself, after having some time to think without... interruption. ‘I’ll just go back to visiting dreams. Surely the bizarre landscape of another pony’s consciousness will derail this torrid train of thought.’

And in the true proud fashion of someone who has solved a most difficult problem, she turned smartly on her hoof, and marched back to her chambers, head held high. She nodded at her guards as she walked into her room and, settling herself down on her rug, began delving into the Dreamlands once more.

Surely she could find some respite from this notorious meme there.

------

Time Turner rolled back and forth in his bed, not unhappily, as his dreams swept over him. “Mmmm... flank... closer...” he mumbled in his sleep. He twitched a hoof, and smiled dreamily, pulling his sheets closer to his chest.

Then, suddenly, he twitched. Not a bad twitch, as the smile didn’t leave his face, but noticeable.

“Luna... what nice flanks you have...”

-------

The Lunar Princess once again jostled herself out of her trance, this time slightly panicked. She stood up, and, trotting in place with nervous energy, looked around the room. Then she saw it: her last chance. Trotting, or rather, galloping towards the bathroom, the used her magic to turn the faucet in her tub on, filling it rapidly with cold water.

“Come on, come on. Oh! This infernal thing called plumbing!” she growled, waiting for the tub to fill. Finally, it was to capacity. She dived in, not giving a thought to the freezing temperatures as the contrasting cold to the swelter of the hot summer night barraged her psyche. There, she kept herself under.

-------

Celestia was not, and has never been, an evening pony. She mumbled to herself as a Lunar guard led her down the hallways to her sister's room, talking frantically. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, Princess, but I’m really worried. We heard a bunch of noise and I think she screamed and then we heard a big splash-”

Celestia offered a gentle hoof on her servant’s soldier. “It is ok. Thank you for bringing this to my attention." She led herself into the chambers of her younger sister, and looked about. Nothing seemed out of place, save for the watery sounds coming from the bathroom. ‘She’s probably just having a bad night. It’s happened before,’ Celestia thought to herself. She eased open the door to the bath, and called out softly, “Luna? Sister? I’m coming in...” she warned gently, trotting up to the rather large tub. She could tell by the shadowy forms beneath the waters that her sister was indeed in there.

“Luna?” she asked, louder. She put her forehooves up on the edge of the tub-

Only to be almost completely knocked off them when Luna jumped out at her. The only thing keeping her upright was her sister’s grip on both sides of her face. “Everypony’s naked, Tia!”

-------

I woke up from a really boss dream that morning feeling really great. I couldn’t remember much about the dream, I rarely do, but I had a good idea what it was about.

I glanced around, and noticed that I was awake earlier than usual. The sun was just coming up. Trying to figure out why I’d woken so early, my thoughts were interrupted by her Holiness Princess Twilight. “Spike,” she said slowly, almost menacingly.

‘Oh, great. Something with the cellophane?’ Was my first thought. Like she’d rolled up in it and almost suffocated. “Yeah?”

I didn’t expect her to shove a letter from the princess in my face. “We need to talk.”

I gave the letter a quick read. “Oh... balls.”

Author's Notes:

WHY IS THIS SO POPULAR?! I got like five more notifications while I was writing this chapter!