Chapter One

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You ever have one of those moments where, for some horrible, horrible reason, a basic fact of life rears its ugly head at you and now you can't ignore it? I'm not talking about shit like noticing you're breathing or becoming suddenly, intensely aware of your tongue. I mean like something everyone considers normal and you're just like, "Wait, what the fuck?"

Yeah. This is proving to be one of those weeks. Let me start from the beginning...

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So I was sitting around, reading a book (I live in a library, what else do you expect me to do?), when suddenly Her Royal High-Horseness Princess Twilight Sparkle walked in. "Spike?" she called, in that weird sing-songy voice that makes my tail twitch.

I'm literally like five feet away. Why the hell does she look up whenever she walks into the building? It's fucking prejudice, I'd say. "Yes, Twilight?"

"I need you to take a letter," she said matter-of-factly.

I took out a quill and a sheet of paper. Saw this coming a mile away. "Ok, ready."

"Dear Princess Celestia, today I've learned that there are certain parts of a pony's life that they don't want to share with other ponies. Whether or not you feel it's best for them doesn't mean you should pry. Everypony needs their privacy, especially if you don't want them intruding on yours. It's always important to understand that no matter how close you are as friends, there are always boundaries."

I finished up the letter with a 'Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle', when I heard a cough from right next to me. "Ugh... PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle."

"Thank you, Spike," she said gratefully as I FPS-ed (Fiery Postal Service) the letter off to the ruler of the freakin' free world. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take a shower."

I turned my attention to her as she walks away, cause I've got manners like a man, and you gotta look at somebody when they're talking to you. Except my words died in my throat. Cause at that moment she had her backside to me, and she was brushing her tail or wringing it out or something. I'm not sure what. But either way, I became suddenly and brilliantly aware that she was flashing me.

My thoughts ran at like a mile a minute while I processed this invasion of my consciousness. I mean yeah, she's always naked, but for some reason I was really aware that she was... naked. Like, nude. Not wearing anything. Freeballin'. Eu Naturale. Streaking. Whatever the fuck you wanna call it, I'm staring down some serious pony cooch right now.

And then it hit me. Like, REALLY hit me.

Everypony in town is naked. Literally, everypony. And they don't care. Hell, she probably just thought I was waiting for her to stop messing with her hair before I said something.

Oh, I should probably say something. "Uh... do you want me to, um... do something... while you're taking a shower?" Naked.

She thought for a moment. "Oh, yes! I'd like you to run out into town and buy some more ink. We're running out," she said happily, not turning around. And she hadn't even noticed I'm still in a staring contest with her vagoo. She trotted off like nothing happened, and I moved for the door. Not for the first time was I glad that dragon anatomy allows us to hide our boners. We're total penis-ninjas.

As I opened the door, I re-affirmed my earlier epiphany. Every mare in this town is buck naked, and they don't care. I literally get to stare at hot pony ass all day and no one will notice.

Being me was officially the best thing EVER.

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As I walked (who am I kidding, I was strutting. The world just got infinitely better in every conceivable way) down the street, I made sure to say hi to everypony. Mare or colt. See, I had a plan. If I only said hi to mares, somepony might notice. But if I said hi to everypony, it wouldn't look suspicious. Even when I angled my eyes at a mare's flank as they pass.

At first, it was going great. The sun was shining, the flanks were out in full force, and I was humming a tune. I even got to the store without a problem, and bought some bottles of ink, stowing them in my pouch after paying the guy.

It's on the way back that I hit a small hurdle. Namely, the most observant fucking stallion on the planet, Time Turner. I said hi to him like everypony else, but he put a hoof in my way to stop me. "What's up, doc?" I asked him.

His ears twitched for some reason. "Spike, I noticed you've been, well, your eyes are wandering. Now, I know it's normal for a young man to be interested in females, but-"

I held up a hand to stop him mid sentence, then motioned for him to scoot closer so we can talk quieter. "No, dude, you don't get it. They're naked."

He looked at me like I'm crazy. "Yes, and?"

"Think about it. Totally naked. Not wearing anything. Literally nothing between them and the world, if you know what I mean."

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know. That's why we grow our tails long. To prevent prying eyes from-"

Enough of this. The man needed to see the light. I grabbed him by the collar and put my nose to his. "Listen, dude," I hiss. "You need to understand, as a MAN. There is literally nothing but air between you and every plot within a hundred miles. NOTHING. BUT. AIR."

He stopped for a second, and I could see the cogs in his head turning. Then, he got that look. You know the one: his eyes went wide and his mouth hung open a little bit. That look ponies get when they just figured out something really obvious that somepony's been trying to explain for, like, ever.

"Oh... oh my. That's..."

"You get it now?" I said in a normal voice. He gulped, and nodded. Then he looked around. And that's where I could tell it's REALLY sunk in. His pupils got really wide and his eyes started darting everywhere. Eventually, they landed on a static target. I followed his gaze to see where it leads.

Vinyl Scratch. On any other day, it'd just be Vinyl. That loud obnoxious mare with a music fetish who's always got her headphones in. But at that moment, it was Vinyl Scratch, the smokin' hot mare who's shaking her ass back and forth, with her tail swinging in the breeze, giving Time Turner and I full view of That Which Shall Be Revered. "Dude," I said slowly.

I heard Time Turner cough behind me. "I, um... I need to go... reasons," he finishes, running into his house, and closing the door behind him.

It's in that moment that I realize my true potential. If dragons could get Cutie Marks, I'd have one right then. Celestia knows what it'd be, besides awesome.

For I have been put on this planet to worship sweet pony ass.

I stood in the middle of the road, amazed at my newfound ability to truly appreciate the world full of flank around me.

Then I got bored. I mean, yeah. Staring at flank is great and all, but it gets kind of... same-y after a while. Especially when you know everypony and it starts to get a little personal.

Like, for example, Pinkie Pie. I like Pinkie Pie. Great gal. Funny. Crazy as fruit bats on acid. And damn, that ass.

But as she hopped away, her tail and flank bouncing with her, I felt a little... uneasy. Kind of dirty, and not in a good way. I mean, I could stare at ass all day, but eventually I'll run out of new ass to admire.

Thus, I needed a game plan. A purpose. Some kind of grand goal. So I sat down on a park bench and thought about it.

I was mid-thought when I felt the bench shake a bit, and I looked up to see Time Turner. He seemed to have calmed down some, but also seemed a little pissed. "Spike, I hope you know... you've ruined me."

"How's that, dude?" I ask, as if I didn't already know.

He leans in to talk quieter. "I can't stop thinking about it. I've only talked to three mares today, but I couldn't get it out of my head that they're... and so close to me... it's driving me crazy!"

I shook my head. "So why don't you just go home and fap?" I whispered, my eyes following the rather toned flanks of a pegasus mare as she walked by.

Had he been drinking something he would have choked. "Wha-I... ok, I did. Shut up. But it's still... there! And I can't talk to anypony about this, except you. Almost all of my friends are mares, and I can't exactly say 'Hey, are you aware you're totally naked right now? So am I!' What do I do?"

I thought about this for a moment. "So... you need someone to talk to about this stuff?"

He nodded furiously.

I smiled, an idea forming in the corners of my mind. I think I finally found something to do with this newfound knowledge. "I can think of somepony to talk to..."

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Sweet Apple Acres. Once, it was the home of delicious fruit and cider and pastries. Now? It was a safe haven. Someplace where we, as men, could talk. We being me, Time Turner, Big Mac, and Caramel, all sitting around a little table in the back of the barn.

"So, uh... what did you need to talk about?" Caramel asked, obviously confused.

Time Turner coughed, and nodded to me. Apparently I'd have to do all the talking. "Ok, so you know how everypony's naked, right?"

Mac and Caramel look at each other, then nod. They stare at me like I'm stupid. Apparently this is going to be a thing. "Yeah, so?" Caramel asks.

"No, really think about it. Like, hard. Completely naked. Every time you walk by a mare, there's nothing between your junk and hers. Nothing at all."

They still have that 'You're a fucking moron' look. I can see this might take some work.

"What are you guys up to?" I hear a tomboyish voice behind me. Or maybe not...

I turn around, and see Applejack and Rainbow Dash standing in the doorway to the barn, giving us curious looks. The other guys look a bit nervous, not wanting to breach the subject with a couple of mares, but I have prepared for this. "They're explaining this pew-burr-tea thing to me," I explain, sounding the word out like I haven't heard it before. Thanks, Twilight.

The two mares trade looks, and start to walk out. "Well then," says Applejack. "I guess we'll just leave you to it. Later, y'all."

"Yeah, bye," Rainbow Dash says uneasily. They both turn around and leave, and I see my opportunity. Leaning back across the table without turning around, I whisper to the group, "Nothing. At. All."

At first I don't think It has any effect. Then, I turn around. Both Caramel and Big Mac look like they just got hit by a freight train made of awesome. Big Mac's pupils are huge, and Caramel's going, "Uhhh....."

Time Turner, who I think is getting used to this, just kind of blinks and swallows hard. Before long, the girls are out of sight, and our attention turns back to the conversation.

"So, gentlemen. Questions?"

Author's Notes:

Somebody asked in a thread what it would be like if somepony became suddenly aware that everypony was naked. Then this happened.