I was underground. The only vista I’d been permitted was dirt and mud. The squirming worms of the undergrowth. Twisted roots that reached out like the fingers of witches. I’d left. In many senses I’d left. Left the Apples, left Twilight, left the prison that Twilight had built for me. I’d looked over the cliff that led down the mountainside and thought about all the things that I wanted to do but never could.

Was it fair? No, life is unfair. Life is like war. There’s no such thing as a fair battle. There’s always someone who has the upper hoof on you. There’s always something that’s going to go wrong. The concentration of force means that the powerful will remain powerful. The first casualty of war was your preparation. At least, that’s how I remember the saying going. I’d lost something.

I’d broken my fucking shovel.

“Toffee! You nearly done down there partner?”

The midday sun beat down on my back. They weren’t kidding when they said the weather was unforgiving over here. Not even my handiwork provided enough shade to protect me. A voice called in the distance, I pulled myself away from the task at hoof and clambered over the steep dirt banks that surrounded me on all sides. Awaiting me at the top was a lean stallion wearing a ten-gallon hat. “Braeburn, it’ll be done when it’s done partner.”

“Ah’ swear, I’ve seen skunks with a longer temper than you.”

I laughed because it was true, “It’s nearly done. Then you’ll be welcomed to the modern age with, uh, just about every other farm in this town.”

He huffed, “Ain’t much of a competitive edge if everypony has it.”

“Ain’t much of a job if I only do it for family and friends.”

“I get you.” Braeburn kicked up some dust with his hoof and looked down into the ditch, he whistled and nodded. “Mighty impressive work for just one mare! You’re like a team of three.”

I glanced over to my once intact custom-made shovel, “This body’s good for something at least. Anyway, all this work keeps me in nice rooms and full meals. So I’m not complaining.”

“…I thought you’d avoid me.”

“Heh. Why?”

“Since you left the farm and all.”

“I wasn’t running away from the Apple family. I just wanted to do something myself for once. See Equestria with my own eyes.”

And see it I had. I’d been just about everywhere that the trains went to, and some placed they didn’t. Nearly every major town and city on the continent. It had been an interesting experience, it reminded me of backpacking during my gap year. And it had taken nearly a year, several months had passed since I started.

“I know plenty of ponies who’d rather avoid our family reunions, we get really enthusiastic about that kinda’ thing.”

“If they decide to invite me, I’ll come on over.”

“Ya’ll know that AJ and them think you’re part of the family. I’d be right shocked if they didn’t invite you.”

I packed away my tools and followed Braeburn to the house. One perk of the job was that many farmers had spare rooms in spades, meaning that I could cheap out on paying rent and still get paid for digging these ditches. “I guess we’re pretty close to Ponyville now. I’ve been nearly everywhere.”

“You planning on heading back?”

“Sure. Once I wrap up around here – I’ll go pay my friends a visit. I’m sure they’re worried about me.”

“I saw Mac a few weeks ago when I went over, he asked about you.”

I was used to being doted on by the Apple family. I’d ended up meeting most of them during my journey. Equestria was the friendliest damn place in the universe. Crime was almost unheard of, never mind getting attack in the streets or wilderness.

“I think I can scare off most ponies without much of a problem.”

“AJ’d probably disagree. But just so you know, I think so too. You’re bigger than most stallions.” Braeburn stopped in place and held a hoof across his mouth, “No offence!”

“None taken. In fact, I take pride in my size in a weird way. It makes me different.” The farmhouse at Braeburns was much barer than the one I was used to. It had only been built recently, alongside most of the town that it resided in. Prime real estate for an irrigation expert to swoop in and have a few free meals. It hadn’t been lived in yet, the paint was barely dry. I’d put a solid bet on generations of the family finding their own meaning in it with time.

Braeburn had hired on some young stallions to give him a hoof while he was getting started. They were waiting on the porch as we approached. One of the stallions, Hard Graft, spoke first, “Hey boss, we done for the day?”

“Yup. Mighty fine work out there pal. Ya’ll heading down to the hootenanny in town?” I never thought that I’d hear somebody say hootenanny in earnest, but Equestria had a way of surprising me.

“Sure are. Are you two coming over too?”

“As long as there’s cider,” I grinned.

“Hey, Graft, look out for this mare, she’ll drink you under the table.”

“Are you sure she’s a mare?”

“Do you stare at the sun and ask if it’s the sun?” I sniped. “It’d explain your inability to recognize things at close range.”

“Woah, woah! Let’s keep it friendly okay?” Braeburn stepped in. “We’ll all go down together and have a few drinks.” We all agreed and went our separate ways, I needed a shower.

The town, which was usually a desolate and isolating place, had come to life when I wasn’t looking. Coloured lanterns hung from every available surface, stalls selling food and presenting various rigged games lined the streets, and just about every soul in a fifty-mile radius had turned out to see it for themselves. Even some of the buffalo had come down – who seemed to be Equestria’s equivalent of native Americans, which implied that the ponies were some variety of settlers. Questions for another day I suppose.

Braeburn dragged me by the darn neck to the nearest cider seller and shoved a tankard into my hooves without a word. “Drink up cuz!”

“I’ve been promoted to a cousin now?” I gasped in mock indignation, before downing as much of the drink as I could. He’d need to buy me a few more if he wanted to knock my huge body silly. The alcohol content of this stuff was too damn low.

I was having fun. Ponyville had an air to it, it felt like a prison to me. I didn’t have the freedom to do what I wanted. So I left. I needed to go see if there was something better out there for me. I’d go back one day; it was just a question of when I’d gotten my fill of freedom. So much freedom that I’d get sick and tired of it. I’d vomit at the thought of experiencing any more. Wandering was interesting, but I felt that plateau approaching me. I’d met a lot of fantastic people in a lot of amazing places, but I wanted to be familiar with someplace. And Ponyville was where my true friends were.

Hard Graft tapped me on the shoulder, “Hey, you wanna’ walk with me?”

“If you buy me another cider.”

The stallion ponied up a few bits and got me another. “Thank you kindly.” He led me through the bustling crowds to a dance floor. A band was enthusiastically playing some variety of country music. I knew what he was trying to do, I’d lived this at least fifty times in the past months. I let him come out with it though. I’d come off like a real asshole if I got in his face about it.

“You got a stallion?”

I let the question hang for a moment, sipping from the wooden cup, “No.” He breathed out in relief.

“You know, I kinda’ have a thing for you.”

I squinted as the ponies danced and swirled in front of me. “Is that so.” The cider had lubed up the wheels of awkward flirting and I was the primary target. “Even though I’m bigger than you?”

“Uh, sure.” The hesitation told me everything I needed to know. “You don’t actually like me that much, do you?”

He frowned, “What?”

“Alright, let me put it like this – I’ve been to a few fancy parties recently, and you know what happens at every single one?”

“No.”

“Some well meaning fella’ walks up and talks about how beautiful and non-conventional I look. He’s giving me the business you know? The hard sell on how he wants to have a dance with me, and how he can make me happy or whatever.” He nodded along with my story. “But when you start poking at them, when you start explaining yourself, that’s when the trouble starts.

“I know what I’m like. I’m not a normal mare, not really. I’m huge, I don’t like dresses or gossip, and that’s pretty much the only thing ponies do in high society! They try buttering me up because they think I’m a challenge. I can turn that manly mare into a real woman!”

Hard Graft interrupted, “Okay. But uh, I’ve seen that side of you.”

“We’ve only known each other for two weeks Graft. Everypony expects a blushing filly with a soap clean mouth and a burning desire to stay at home and raise the foals. I’m not any of those things. That stallion at the dance nearly slapped the tongue out of my muzzle after what I said to him.”

“Really?”

“Buck him. I’ll do whatever I damn well please.”

“…Okay.” The guy looked so bummed out that I had to clarify to make him feel a bit better.

“I’m just messing with you Graft. I’m not staying in Appleloosa much longer. I have friends and family somewhere else. And it’s been a long time since I last saw ‘em.”

“I bet you do have a fella’ waiting for you!” he objected, “You just don’t want to say it.”

“Psh. No way. Romance is the last thing on my mind, buried underneath all of that knowledge about digging irrigation…”

“Buck you, at least invite me to the wedding.”

I laughed and patted him on the back, “Give me your address and I’ll mail it to you.”

“You’re heading back soon?”

“When this job is done. I’ve spread my magic to every farm in town. It’s been fun, but I can’t live like a vagrant forever. Only so many farms in the world.”

“Things are always changing; you could keep going.”

“No. I got out of Ponyville because I didn’t like it. But now I feel nostalgic, guess all the drama made me miss how much I liked it there.”

“True. Appleloosa is a darn sight better than it was just a few years ago. There used to be nothing here but sand and dirt. But I stuck with it. Now I wouldn’t trade it for nothing.”

“Except big mares, apparently.”

He looked over his shoulder, “I ain’t got no big mare thing going on. Zip that muzzle before Braeburn hears you, he’ll never let me hear the end of it.” I polished off the last of my drink and left it on top of a random barrel, they’d find it later.

“It makes me nervous though. I wonder what they’ll think of me when I go back. My mane got a lot longer.” And I was a lot more confident in my own identity – but that wasn’t something you could see from the outside. I’d been raising hell for a good reason. To prove to myself that I was still me. To get away from Celestia and everyone else and just let it all out into the open.

It had worked. The magic that Celestia had laced into my mind had erased any trace of dysphoria, for better or worse. But the real dread came from the thought of not having any choice anymore. I was afraid of being influenced by the people around me. So I separated myself from them. I was ready to go back. I’d had my fun. I’d done all of the things that I used to enjoy doing and enjoyed them still.

“It’s wild,” Graft sniffed, “Do you even brush that thing?”

“It’s impossible. It’s too curly.”

“Get yourself a heavy-duty comb cuz,” Braeburn ambushed us from behind, an arm around each shoulder, “You two lovebirds done talking each other’s ear off?”

I watched as a stallion struggled to keep his drink down on the edge of the floor as a nervous mare overlooked him, “Very romantic. Takes me back to my school days.” Oops. He couldn’t hold it in. Somebody get a mop and the sawdust. “Let’s have a good night though. It’ll be the last you have with me. I’m catching the next train back.”

“That’s why you were packing?”

I smiled, “Don’t be sad that it’s over, be glad that it happened.”

“…Ain’t you just a ray of sunshine,” Braeburn grumbled, “I ain’t gonna’ be mourning you any time soon. You got a head full of hot air.”

The ill stallion was dragged away by his friends. That was going to be me soon. “Drinks are on me. This time.”

Graft smirked, “That’s more like it.”

“Let’s have a drink off Brae.”

“What the hay? I’m too young to die!”

“Come on, live a little.” He wailed in protest as me and Graft dragged him back to the bar.

Author's Notes:

A huge thank you to:
Evo
Korenav

For supporting me on patreon.

Nearly there.