“Doctor, what are we dealing with here?” Octavia asked urgently.

“Eh, nothing that scary,” the Doctor shrugged. “They’re strange creatures, but they can’t do any real harm.”

There was silence for a moment after this statement. Finally, Derpy exploded. “You colt tease! You stupid, foalish tease! What, were you going to leave us on a cliffhanger there?”

“…Maybe,” the Doctor said, smiling slyly.

Derpy stormed off into a corner of the room, muttering furiously under her breath while DJ Pon3 raised a hoof. “Uh, question Doc,” she asked. “You said they move when nopony is looking. So why does Pinkie Pie seem to know about them?”

“Well, Pinkie Pie is no ordinary pony,” the Doctor said. Pinkie’s friends rolled their eyes, their faces quite plainly saying the same thing: ‘Doctor, you have no idea.’

“Perhaps it’s her Pinkie Sense, perhaps it’s her fantastic knowledge of the loopholes of physics, or perhaps it’s just the fact that she grew up on a rock farm and developed a kin with what otherwise seem to be inanimate objects there, but Pinkie has an ability to see and communicate with these creatures that the rest of us lack. It’s what I noticed when I scanned her with my screwdriver earlier,” the Doctor explained, indicating his instrument.

Derpy rejoined the group. “But you once told me the Weeping Angels were among the most terrifying creatures in the universe. How are they similar to these things?”

The Doctor put a hoof on his chin. “Well, they both move only when nopony is looking, and…” he trailed off. “That’s really it. The similarities end there.”

“Why I oughta smack you silly…” Derpy muttered darkly with her eyes crossed. Neither of her eyes was focused on the Doctor but staring at the opposite sides of his face, which actually made her glare that much more intimidating. The Doctor laughed nervously in response.

***

“I say, what ever shall we do?” Sir Lints-a-lot cried. “They seem to know what we are now!”

“They called our bluff!” Rocky grumbled, hopping slightly with anger.

Mr. Turnip was a bucket of few words, and he managed to eloquently sum up their situation in one simple yet concise and comprehensive word: “Crap.”

“Perhaps we should rejoin our compatriots in the main hall?” Sir Lints-a-lot offered.

“Oui, that would be wise, I zink…” Madame LeFlour agreed.

***

The Elements of Harmony and the League of Fanons continued down the tunnel, noticing it and the rooms they were passing through were getting larger and larger the further they traveled. Finally they came to a massive, cathedral-like cavern where, to nopony’s surprise, the Legion of Gloom was waiting for them.

What was to everypony’s surprise was that The Author, who apparently had gotten bored of waiting, had been working on his own lyrics to a familiar song and was now hopping around the room singing it:

All you have to do is go on Youtube for an hour,

See a PMV remix.

Now just watch an episode and start to scour,

For more ponies, it’s an itch!

Sonic Rainbooms and tail twitch,

Add a strange rhyming zebra.

Watch a little more, until you are sore,

And you never get your filla…

Ponies! So cute and cuddly,

Ponies! Marks on their tushies,

Ponies!

Ponies, ponies, PONIES!

“HEY! That’s my song!” Pinkie cried. The Author, who had stood up on his hind legs for the final line, nearly fell over in surprise and looked embarrassed for a second, but recovered quickly.

“Oh, finally!” he said. “I was starting to think we were never going to get the third act going…” He drew himself up impressively, staring down at them.

Octavia stifled a laugh as she looked at him. “Nice horn there,” she noted, looking at the lengthy silvery horn on The Author’s head that seemed even longer than Celestia’s. “Again, very subtle. Compensating for something, are we?”

“Yea-NO!” The Author cried, his wings flaring. “…Maybe. …I mean, absolutely not! …Not at all! …Really…” he stammered meekly. “You…have a very dirty mind for a pony, you know that?” he added in a defiant tone.

Octavia drew her bow/sword and pointed it at The Author threateningly. “Anypony who uses the word ‘dirty’ when referring to me is either an idiot or has a death wish. For you, I’d say you posses both traits.”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands attention!” Trixie suddenly hollered, stamping her hoof. “Author, the Great and Powerful Trixie demands to be referred to as a Princess! Join this Great and Powerful mare in union with Prince Blueblood and change her title!”

“Very well,” The Author sighed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie, do you take Prince Blueblood to be your contrively wedded husband?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie does!” Trixie yelled triumphantly.

“Prince Blueblood,” The Author continued. “Do you take The Great and Powerful Trixie to be your contrively wedded wife?”

“Absolutely!” Prince Blueblood cried.

“Then by the power invested in me by myself, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride, though I would prefer if you didn’t. The Great and Powerful Trixie, as you have married into royalty your title will now be changed to The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie. All will now be forced to refer to you as such from this point forward.”

The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie laughed manically. “At last! Bow before your Princess, underlings!”

“What?!” Rainbow Dash cried. “That’s ridiculous! I’m not bowing before The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie!” She paused for a moment. “Wait…did I really just say all that?”

Bon Bon stepped forward. “After the lies you told in Ponyville, there’s no way I’m calling you anything other than just Trrrrr…” her tongue faltered. “Trrrrr…” she tried again, struggling to form the word. “TrrrrrrrrrrTheGreatandPowerfulHerRoyalHighnessPrincessTrixie!” She gasped in horror and stuffed her hooves into her mouth. Lyra couldn’t help but snicker as she watched this spectacle.

“Wait…” Twilight said, sounding confused. “You mean to say every time we refer to The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie, we have to say The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie?” She gasped as she realized what she had just said. “STOP DOING THAT!” she yelled at The Author.

“Why should I?” The Author giggled, bouncing from hoof to hoof with delight. “It’s just so much fun!”

“No it’s not!” Derpy shouted. “It’s stupid and it’s getting old fast!”

“It is not!” The Author cried, obviously hurt.

“Enough of zis!” Photo Finish shouted before leaping down in front of Octavia and drawing her photo tripod out, holding it like a sword and pointing it at Octavia. “It is time to face…your doom!”

Octavia frowned before giving a single clean swipe at the tripod with her bow/sword, neatly slicing it into two pieces.

“…Ah,” Photo Finish replied, looking at the short fragment of the tripod in her hoof. “…zis…may be a problem.” After a moment she dropped what was left of the tripod on to the ground and dashed back to the other members of the Legion of Gloom. “You zere!” she yelled, pointing at the Diamond Dogs. “You have done nothing for nearly two chapters now! Get zem!”

The Diamond Dogs looked at each other and shrugged before quickly tunneling underground, vanishing below a cloud of dust down a deep hole. The Elements of Harmony and the League of Fanons tensed, waiting for them to emerge from beneath them.

“Hold on, I’m on this!” DJ Pon3 shouted, tapping the side of her goggles. They shifted to infrared vision as she started scanning the ground beneath them. “There!” she shouted, pointing at a spot on the ground. “Coming up in about five seconds!”

“Got it!” Applejack shouted while getting herself into position, ready to buck anything that came up.

“Heads up!” Rainbow Dash screamed, shoving Applejack and DJ Pon3 out of the way as Gilda and The Author swooped at them, narrowly missing. Dash took the air, speeding after Gilda while Fluttershy and Derpy rose to confront The Author.

“Alright, now you’ve done it,” Fluttershy said sternly. “Nopony threatens my friends. You got that?”

“Oh my Celestia, Fluttershy’s getting angry at me!” The Author squealed with delight. “That is just so adorable! I think I might be having a fangasm!”

“I’ve had enough of this!” Derpy shouted. “You’re going down!”

“And the other adorable pegasus is mad too!” The Author giggled. “You’re just so cute when you’re-“ he was interrupted as one of Derpy’s hooves made contact with his jaw, nearly knocking him out of the air.

“Okay, good feeling gone,” The Author muttered darkly, wiping the spittle from his face. He reared back, horn glowing, before sending a lightning bolt from his horn at the two hovering ponies before him, sending them diving for cover.

Meanwhile, the Diamond Dogs were wreaking chaos on the group of ponies on the ground. DJ Pon3 continued to scan the ground and was surrounded by Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, Lyra and Bon Bon, who all together were beginning to make headway against the Diamond Dogs.

There was an explosion of dust in front of Lyra, but DJ Pon3 had warned her. The mint green unicorn spun around on one of her hind legs and aimed a karate kick squarely at the Diamond Dog’s head.

She did it perfectly. Unfortunately, the Diamond Dog’s hide was of such strength that the kick caused more pain to the unicorn than the Diamond Dog.

“OW-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!!!” Lyra yelped in pain, bouncing around on one of her back hooves while clutching the other with her front hooves. Now it was Bon Bon’s turn to snicker.

Rainbow Dash and Gilda circled around each other furiously in mid-air, with Gilda occasionally swiping at Dash with her claws, but Dash swiftly dove out of the way each time.

“You’ve got some serious issues, you know that?” Dash scolded the griffon. “When did you become such a bully? What changed?”

“I DIDN’T CHANGE!” Gilda screamed. “YOU’RE THE FLIP-FLOPPER!” she dove at Dash once again, but this time Dash aimed a kick at her head. However Gilda was too quick and nimbly dodged the attack.

“Too slow, Rainbow Crash,” Gilda chortled. “I know you too well. There’s nothing that can surprise me!”

“SURPRISE!” The griffon turned around just in time to be smacked squarely in the face by a perfectly thrown cream pie. Pinkie broke down into hysterics, rolling on the ground and giggling madly.

“GAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!” Gilda screamed as the bits of pie were blown off by the force of her anger. “THAT DOES IT! You!” she glared daggers at Pinkie. “You’re gonna be bird chow!”

“Why?” Pinkie asked innocently. “Can’t I be griffon chow?”

“YOU’RE GONNA BE BIRD CHOW, AND THAT’S FINAL!” Gilda screamed. “And you,” she glared at Rainbow Dash. “Are gonna watch!” With that she dove rapidly at Pinkie. Dash followed, flying as fast as she could, but Gilda had a head start. There was no way she would be able to catch up with the griffon before she reached Pinkie.

And that’s when Pinkie experienced an ear-flop, followed by an eye-flutter, followed by a knee-twitch.

The TARDIS materialized on the ground in front of Pinkie, its door opening on its own accord as Gilda sailed right in, smashing into the room within with a loud clatter. The sound of heavy objects falling and glass breaking rang out for a moment before there was a flash of light coming from within the blue box and Gilda was unceremoniously thrown out the time machine by an unseen force. A second later Gummy walked out the door, followed by Angel Bunny. The two gave each other a high-five.

“Well, that’s awfully convenient,” the Doctor said as he galloped towards the time machine, intending to use its power to tip the battle in their favor.

“Not so fast, time pony!” A Diamond Dog burst from the ground in front of the Doctor, blocking his path. The Author noticed what was going on and sent a burst of magical energy at the TARDIS, enclosing it and the two animals within a transparent bubble before it vanished, the time machine and the animals going with it.

“No!” the Doctor cried. “What have you done?!”

“Moved it to a secure location,” The Author replied. “I will not have you calling upon such power…this battle will not be won that easily.”

“Then let’s call upon this power!” Twilight shouted. “Girls, time for the Elements of Harmony!” Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy quickly joined Twilight, whose horn began glowing as shimmers of light appeared around her friends. The physical objects of the Elements of Harmony began to materialize on their necks.

“Legion, assemble!” The Author yelled, pointing at a spot where the “inanimate” objects were already standing. Gilda, Photo Finish and the Diamond Dogs struggled to join them, but managed. Prince Blueblood and The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie galloped over as well, their manes and clothes ruffled and a fresh set of hickies on their necks.

“Yeah, yeah, where were you two this whole time?” Gilda growled at the two royal ponies. “Some magic would have been helpful in this battle!”

“Not the moment!” The Author yelled. “Get ready, on my signal!”

The objects of the Elements of Harmony finished materializing around the six ponies. Twilight’s eyes opened, glowing brightly as she and her friends began to hover in the air. The Doctor looked from the six ponies to the Legion of Gloom assembled before them, and realized too late what was going to happen.

“Girls!” he yelled. “Wait! Don’t unleash that power!”

“NOW!” The Author yelled. Each of the members of the Legion of Gloom placed a hoof or a claw upon one of the “inanimate” objects as Prince Blueblood and The Great and Powerful Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie’s horns began glowing, establishing a link between the members of the Legion.

The Author’s horn began glowing as the energy from the Elements of Harmony was almost at its height. He unleashed a blast of energy at the Elements of Harmony while at the same time establishing a magical connection with the members of the Legion below.

Suddenly, the Elements of Harmony froze. The expressions on the faces of the six mares, so confident a moment ago, now gasped in horror. They fell to the ground forcefully while the bejeweled objects of the Elements remained hovering in mid-air before floating upward, towards The Author.

“NO!” the Doctor shouted, staring at this scene in horror.

“What’s happening?!” Derpy exclaimed fearfully.

“The Elements of Harmony are now connected to The Author!” the Doctor yelled back. “Their power is now his!”

“But he’s the all-powerful author figure!” Octavia retorted. “What does he need the power for?”

“It’s not for me!” The Author cried triumphantly. “It’s for them!” A pulse of energy flowed from the Elements of Harmony to The Author, which was then channeled down into the Legion of Gloom. They began to glow from the power, watching as their strength was restored and they were slowly transformed into more powerful versions of themselves. Gilda’s wings extended and her claws grew sharper, the horns of the royal ponies bristled with magical energy, and the Diamond Dogs grew even more muscular.

“YES!” The Author shouted. “Now this is a story! Watch, My Little Ponies, as I ensure that my beloved Legion of Gloom lasts FOREVER!”

Twilight and her friends groaned as they tried to lift themselves from the ground, staring weakly at the Elements of Harmony floating above them, now cut off from them. “No…” Twilight moaned softly. “What have we done… our hope is lost…”

At these words, there was the faintest flicker of energy from the Elements of Harmony, like that of a light bulb as it began to run low on energy. It lasted for but a fraction of a second, but the Doctor saw it, and it gave him the inspiration he needed in the moment.

(Author’s note to Doctor Who fans: If you would like to make the following scene about 20% cooler, I recommend listening to this while you read it.)

“I wouldn’t be so sure!” the Doctor cried, galloping forward before locking the green alicorn above him in his gaze. “Author! You’ve made a terrible mistake with this story! In fact, you’ve made two terrible mistakes…”

“Mistakes?” The Author shouted back. “What mistakes could you possibly be referring to?!”

“Oh, big mistakes, really really huge…” the Doctor muttered darkly. “Didn’t anypony ever tell you? There are two things that you never bring into a fanfic.”

The Doctor gave The Author a sinister smile. “If you’re smart, if you value your continued popularity as a writer, if you have any plans of seeing the respect of your fellow bronies again, there are two things that you never, ever, bring into a fanfic.”

“And what would those be?” The Author replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Well the first is a self-insert, obviously. I mean come on, in a world of such wonderful characters you really have to throw yourself in? Either somepony’s really lazy or really self-indulgent. Or both. Nothing good can ever come from that.”

“And the second?” The Author asked.

“Ah, and the second…” the Doctor said slowly. “…Because some writers just can’t be satisfied with this world on its own terms; some writers just have to pull in a character from a different series they like, regardless of whether their readers would have seen it. The second thing…”

The Doctor pulled his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and pointed it at the Elements of Harmony floating above him.

“…is me,” he finished.

He activated the screwdriver, and the Elements of Harmony shattered, exploding into a million glittering fragments.