“Okay, so I know I’ve been saying this a lot today, but…” Twilight’s right eye began twitching and she was talking through clenched teeth. “I’m confused. I’m very, very, very confused. And I really hate being confused. So something had better start making sense or Celestia help me, I will not be responsible for my actions.”

Twilight’s friends, having previously seen her in a state of rage and fearing the consequences of being on the wrong end of it, backed away from the purple unicorn as quickly as possible. Bon Bon and Lyra followed suit, not really knowing why they were doing so but deciding that if everypony else was doing it they should do the same. Even Octavia and DJ Pon3, who were already standing a fair distance from Twilight, involuntarily shied away. Only Derpy and the Doctor seemed oblivious to the danger, Derpy staring at nothing in particular with her tongue sticking out and the Doctor pacing back and forth while quickly talking, half to the room and half to himself.

“Oh no, oh no no no…this is tricky, this is very tricky…no, I know exactly what we’re dealing with and it is not good at all…” He finally looked up at Twilight. “Oh, don’t give me that look, the last thing we need now is you catching on fire.”

“…Because it’ll harm you or her?” Fluttershy inquired in a squeaky voice.

“No, because it’ll set the sprinklers off and stain my coat. And short-circuit the computers. And make a general mess of things.” He paused for a moment. “And the harm thing, yeah, there’s that too…”

“Doctor, what are we up against?” Lyra asked urgently.

“One of the scariest things in the universe,” the Doctor responded. “They are ill-conceived monstrosities that lack solid emotions and are far too skilled at any number of traits, whether it flies in the face of the laws of space and time or not. They are too perfect or too imperfect, with a complete disregard for reality as we understand it, serving only to fulfill the ridiculous fantasies of their creator.”

“Fillies and gentlecolts…well, I suppose I’m the only gentlecolt here…and you all are far too old to be called fillies, so I guess ‘mares’ would be better…”

The Doctor took a deep breath and a stern expression crossed his face. “…We are dealing…with a self-insert.”

The other members of the League of Fanons gasped in fear. Lyra gave an exaggerated scream of terror, standing on her hind legs and clutching her head with her front hooves. The Elements of Harmony, however, merely stared blankly at the members of the League.

“…Come again?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh that’s right…” Derpy said slowly. “You don’t know what that is, do you?”

Bon Bon stepped forward. “Okay, you remember what I was saying about stories? Well, a self-insert is when an author inserts themselves into a story!”

“Oh, you mean like an author character?” Twilight inquired.

“Well, yes…” the Doctor said. “Except self-inserts are generally idealized versions of the author. So not only are they in control of the situation they insert themselves into, but they will alter the situation to fit their own ridiculous whims.”

“Very good, Doctor…” a loud, ominous voice rang throughout the room. “And now it is my whim that you all come to visit me!”

Everypony in the room froze at the sound of The Author’s voice. Bon Bon squealed with terror and leaped into the arms of Lyra, who barely managed to catch her in her front hooves and remain standing at the same time. Suddenly the floating image of The Author’s smiling face appeared in the middle of the room, leering down at all of them.

Octavia snorted. “Oh, a floating disembodied head trying to mock us. How very subtle there…”

The face of The Author frowned. “Yes, I suppose you would know a thing or two about subtlety. Gray skin and gray hair…what, were black and white just too vibrant for you?”

Octavia’s normally dignified expression suddenly hardened and she gave The Author a vicious stare. “Oh, it. Is. On.”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “Who do you think you are, blocking our memories and joining up with the Legion of Gloom?” At this she flew at The Author’s head, but as the head was but an illusion the pegasus sailed right through and crashed into the wall on the opposite side of the room.

“Consarnit, Dash,” Applejack shook her head. “Why is it whenever we meet a big nasty bad guy, you go charging in without thinking?”

“I can’t help it…” Dash muttered quietly, glaring at Applejack.

“What do you want with us?” Derpy demanded, stepping forward.

“Oh, that is just precious!” The Author exclaimed, looking like he was on the verge of giggling. “A cross-eyed mare acting all tough? You are just so adorable looking when you’re angry!”

“Don’t cross me…” Derpy growled, but she was blushing slightly with embarrassment at the blatant mention of her condition.

“Enough of this!” Twilight shouted forcefully. “Answer her question, what is it you want with us?”

“It’s not so much what I want with you…” The Author said casually, his face taking on a mockingly innocent expression. “It’s what I want for them…” at this his horn began to glow, and the images of the members of the Legion of Gloom appeared around him. They all floated there, standing impressively and leering at the Elements of Harmony and the League of Fanons, with the exception of Trixie and Prince Blueblood, who had their hooves wrapped around each other and were kissing furiously, apparently oblivious to their surroundings.

“A-hem,” The Author cleared his throat in disgust. Trixie and Blueblood froze and looked up to see where they were before immediately leaping off each other. Trixie’s hat was tilted to the point that one of her ears was exposed and her cape was disheveled, Blueblood’s bowtie was a tangled mess and his mane was ruffled, and both had several prominent hickies on their necks.

“Hang on,” DJ Pon3 said, pointing at the image of a group of Legion of Gloom members. “What’s with the dust bunny, the turnip bucket, the-“

“Okay, that’s enough,” The Author interrupted. “I think that particular joke has run its course by this point.”

The Author sighed. “Right,” he continued. “As I was saying, it’s not what I want with you; it’s what I want for them. I set something into motion when I put these characters together, and I do not intend to let it die so soon. I could not bear to have my beloved Legion be defeated so soon, not when I have a higher authority to answer to…”

“A higher authority?” the Doctor asked with his eyebrows raised. “And who might that be?”

“My fans,” The Author gushed. “My glorious, glorious, absolutely wonderful fans (this isn’t coming across as pandering, is it?). Oh, their reaction to my story was so positive! So joyful! When I tasted that praise I knew at that point there was no going back. I just had to keep the story going…the show must go on!”

“So you inserted yourself in to a tale of your own making,” the Doctor grimaced. “Well sorry to break it to you, but the fine readers of Equestria Daily (again, not pandering, right?) will not readily accept such blatant self-indulgence.”

“They will if it’s well-written!” The Author spat back. “Their standards may be high (totally NOT pandering) but I will rise up to meet them!”

“Enough of zis!” the image of Photo Finish cried. “You said you vere all-powerful, so destroy zem already!”

“Now what kind of ending would that make for?” The Author chuckled. “We haven’t even finished the second act! No no no, first they must come to us.” His horn glowed brightly for a moment. “Doctor, I have transmitted our coordinates to your sonic screwdriver. We await your arrival!” The Doctor pulled his screwdriver out of his pocket which, sure enough, was beeping softly.

“What are you doing?” Trixie hissed. “You’re giving them the opportunity to attack us?!”

“Hush, loud and boastful,” The Author said. “Everypony, we’re waiting…” At this, the images of The Author and the Legion of Gloom vanished.

The Elements of Harmony and the League of Fanons were quiet for a long moment, staring at the spot where the images of the Legion of Gloom had been. Then finally the Doctor spoke up.

“Right then! Off we go! Allons-y, everypon-y!” he said cheerfully.

“…What, just like that?” Derpy exclaimed skeptically.

“It’s rude to turn down an invitation, Derpy,” the Doctor said, winking.

“Sorry, but did you forget the part about the all-powerful author who can snuff your life out at his whim?” Octavia said.

“I don’t think he’ll resort to such crudeness, at least not right away,” the Doctor explained. “While he may act cocky, I detect a certain lack of self-confidence about him. He’s absolutely terrified at the thought of disappointing his readers (What? Ridiculous! I have tons of self-confidence! I don’t feel any desperate need for approval! …Not that I don’t want your approval, of course…heh…).”

The Doctor continued. “He may have the home field advantage, but the game is still on our terms, at least for now. And do disregard that metaphor, I absolutely despise sports analogies. Anyway, I say we go.”

“As do I!” Twilight exclaimed with a confident look on her face. “Come on girls, we posses the Elements of Harmony! Together, there’s nothing we can’t overcome!” Her friends gave each other warm, confident smiles, their spirits boosted by Twilight’s pep talk. Even some of the members of the League of Fanons looked warmed by Twilight’s statement.

“Then let’s go!” Lyra exclaimed, standing on her hind legs and pointing across the room with one of her front hooves. “To the TARDIS!”

“Some day you’re going to have to show me how you do that,” Bon Bon said in a half-annoyed, half-admiring tone.

“It’s really quite simple when you’ve practiced,” Octavia said in a haughty voice, standing atop her own hind legs and proceeding to walk towards the time machine.

“Show off…” DJ Pon3 muttered under her breath.

***

Deep beneath Canterlot Castle was a catacomb of tunnels linking a series of subterranean rooms below the city, each one of utilitarian design illuminated by the occasional lamp and decorated by the occasional bit of graffiti, with messages that ranged from the stupid (LUNA + BIG MAC) to the political (Coltbert for President!) to the bizarre (the cupcake is a lie). It was within one of these tunnels that one could hear a deep humming noise, a sort of wheezing sound that got louder as it repeated and a blue box materialized within the tunnel. The TARDIS finished materializing with a loud thud that sounded like a boom in the quiet space as it echoed down the dimly lit hallway. A moment later the door creaked loudly as it was opened and twelve ponies stepped out in to the tunnel.

“Where are we?” Applejack asked nervously.

“Below Canterlot, in one of the old emergency tunnels I imagine,” the Doctor responded. “Why do villains always set up shop in cold, dark places? Is it too much to ask for a little sunshine? At least throw a plant in, spruce the room up a bit.”

“If it’s a plant you want,” a loud, arrogant voice came from down the hall. “Then a plant The Great and Powerful Trixie will grant!”

There was an explosion of smoke, and when it cleared Trixie was standing before them, her cape fluttering behind her even though there was no wind.

“Very nice,” DJ Pon3 said appreciatively. “Think you could show me that smoke trick? Would make quite an entrance at the DJ booth…”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie never reveals her secrets!” Trixie boasted, placing a hoof on her chest. “Now, about that plant…” she grinned slyly as her horn began to glow. Small green shoots began to emerge from the cracks in the walls, growing in size until entire sections of wall began to fall apart as vines tore through them. Another explosion of smoke, and Trixie was gone.

“What do we do?” Bon Bon cried out in fear, gripping on to Lyra again. Lyra strained, struggling to push her off.

“She’s cast a growth spell!” Twilight shouted, looking around at the vines as they wrenched themselves free of the rock and earth surrounding them. “I can reverse it, but it’ll take me a moment!”

“Then let’s hold it off while Twilight works on her magic!” Rarity said to her friends.

“Ah come on everypony, it’s just a plant,” Applejack said. “What’s it gonna do to us?”

A nearby vine chose that moment to lash out at the orange Earth pony, wrapping itself around one of Applejack’s rear legs and pulling her off her hooves before dragging her away from the group.

“Oh, cruel irony…” Derpy said, rolling her eyes in opposite directions.

“Yeah, I forgot to mention…” Twilight muttered somewhat embarrassingly. “She may have also made it sentient.”

“Oh, ya think?!” Applejack yelled, struggling with the vine.

“Don’t worry Applejack, I got you!” Rainbow Dash cried, diving at the vine. She stamped at it with her hooves, but its grip on Applejack refused to slacken. She repeatedly tried to stun the vine and even bit it once, but nothing worked and soon another vine was swatting at Dash, forcing her to fly out of the way.

“Gah, how do you fight these things?!” Dash yelled, frustrated that blunt force was having no effect.

“I don’t suppose we could reason with it?” Fluttershy muttered in a squeaky voice.

“A nice sentiment,” the Doctor replied. “But I have a feeling it won’t be willing to listen. Partly on account of the fact that it has no ears.”

“Out of the way, amateurs,” a haughty voice came from behind them. Before they could turn around, the gray figure of Octavia had rushed past them, running at the vines on her hind legs, clutching her bow in one of her front hooves. She ran towards Applejack and swung the bow at the vine gripping the Earth pony’s leg, which sliced through the vine in one swipe, causing the vine to snap back in pain.

“Wha?! How…?” Applejack exclaimed before she got a good look at Octavia’s bow. The hair of the bow had been replaced by a thin, silvery blade, held in place by the stick frame. Octavia wielded her instrument gracefully, turning around to face the vine currently attacking Rainbow Dash and diving at it. She gave another single swipe, and a large chunk of vine crashed to the ground.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s mouths were agape as Octavia nonchalantly removed her bowtie and used the ribbon to wipe her blade clean of plant material. When she was done, she tied the ribbon around the handle of her weapon before standing up to look at the ponies she had just saved.

Applejack was the first to attempt speech. “I…ah…never expected a city pony like you to be…well…”

“A TOTAL BAD-FLANK!” Rainbow Dash hollered, leaping into the air. “Hay yeah, Octavia! Woo!”

“A mare of refined tastes such as I would never resort to such crude language,” Octavia replied, but nevertheless the musician allowed herself a smug smile.

Meanwhile, Lyra, Rarity and DJ Pon3 had surrounded Twilight and were using their magic to hold back the vines while Twilight quietly muttered incantations to herself, her horn glowing softly. The Doctor was pointing his screwdriver at approaching vines, which seemed to retreat each time the Doctor used it. But they were having limited success and would be overwhelmed soon.

Suddenly a bright flash of light emerged from Twilight’s horn and shock waves thrust their way along the floor from her figure as the force of her magic enveloped the vines, causing them to shrink back to normal size and fall to the ground. A moment later the light cleared and the tunnel was dim and quiet again.

Lyra was the first to speak up again. “That. Was. Brilliant.”

“Brace yourselves, everypony…” the Doctor warned. “That was just our first obstacle.”

“I believe that means it’s time to put these babies into action,” DJ Pon3 said, indicating her goggles. She tapped the side of them with one of her hooves and the lenses suddenly turned from purple to green, with readings projected along the sides.

“Cool, huh?” DJ Pon3 said, looking at each of the Elements of Harmony in turn. “And they come with all sorts of functions. This button turns on the infrared vision,” she said, tapping a small button on the side of her goggles, and her lenses took on the mixed hues of reds, greens, and blues. “Uh, Pinkie? You seem to have a…alligator buried in your tail.”

“Oh, I was wondering where he got to!” Pinkie exclaimed, reaching in to her poofy tail with her head and pulling it out with Gummy latched onto Pinkie’s head with his mouth. “Now Gummy, you should know better that to stow away like that!” Pinkie gently scolded the alligator. “Now get back into the timey-whimey machine, that’s a good alligator!” Gummy slowly walked back into the TARDIS, closing the door behind him.

“…Right,” DJ Pon3 muttered. “Anyway…this button turns on my favorite music,” she said while tapping another button, and soon the sounds of Daft Ponik were filling the hall, with DJ Pon3 banging her head in time to the beat.

“Turn that drivel off!” Octavia hissed. “You’ll give away our position!”

“I don’t think our position is much of a secret now, but point taken…” DJ Pon3 flipped the music off and turned to face down the corridor. Another tap of the goggles and she activated her night vision scope. “Nothing down there, Doc. Just an empty hallway for the moment.” The other ponies nodded and began proceeding down the tunnel.

***

Several minutes later the twelve ponies emerged from the tunnel into a large, cavernous room that was completely empty, save for four objects: a bucket of turnips, a stack of rocks, a sack of flour and a ball of lint.

“It’s them!” Pinkie squealed in horror, diving behind Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus spent a moment considering whether she should mention the irony of this situation before deciding against it.

“Ah, fer crying out loud, Pinkie…” Applejack muttered. “It’s just a bunch of junk.”

“I’m not so sure…” the Doctor muttered, pulling out his sonic screwdriver before waving it at the inanimate objects, then spat it out into his front hoof to examine it. “Well, this is…unexpected…”

“What? What is it?” Derpy exclaimed excitedly.

“Well, it would seem those supposedly ‘inanimate’ objects are in fact a species of creature which bear some similarities to that of an alien species called ‘the Weeping Angels.’ Usually, they only move when nopony is looking at them.”

“…What…are you crazy?!” Rainbow Dash said. “It’s just Pinkie Pie’s imaginary friends! I’m betting the Legion of Gloom just put them here to freak her out.”

“Ah, so you say…” the Doctor replied. “But everypony was looking at me while I was explaining what those objects were, correct?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Twilight asked.

“Everypony was looking at me, right?” the Doctor asked again. The other ponies nodded. “…Then where are the objects?”

Everypony turned back to the room. The objects had vanished.