I clung to the front left quarter panel of the 1997 cherry red F250HD. “Oooh… my baby… I love you sooo much…” I whispered as I gently rubbed the driver side door. I looked back to Chrysalis who had a seriously confused look on her face.

“Forgive me if I’m curious but… is that what the other gender of your species looks like?” She asked in a serious tone. I looked to the truck, then back to Chrysalis before bursting into laughter.

“No… ah-ha-ha... no… but…” I continued to laugh until I somewhat stifled my laughter and managed to speak. “No… this… this is ‘my’ baby,” I told her through stifled laughs. She approached the vehicle before resting a hoof on the driver side door.

“This is your child?” She asked and I chuckled slightly before a sigh of humor escaped my lips.

“Not in the way you’re thinking. This is Cadance and she’s…” I began before being cut off by a horrified gasp that left Chrysalis’s mouth. “What?” I asked curiously and she grabbed the collar of my coat.

“That is not Cadance… Cadance is an awful being, the one who was solely responsible for my demise! How could you name something after such an awful pony?!” Chrysalis boomed. I raised an eyebrow with a look of stupidity in my facial expression. She face hoofed before shaking me. “WEREN’T YOU LISTENING?!” She boomed and I shook my head.

“Nah… I stopped paying attention when you started going on about love being super powerful… kind of gay if you ask me,” I said before gently rubbing my hand back and forth along the quarter panel of my truck.

She gave an annoyed ‘Humph!’ before scolding me. “Well you seem to be very affectionate to this… thing!” She scowled and I chuckled.

“Well yeah… I mean, she’s my truck and she’s…” I started but was soon cut off.

“You say love is stupid yet you love this truck,” she cut me off and I again sighed before shaking my head in disappointment.

“It’s not the same love you talk about… but either way, what’s not to love?!” I stated and she looked to me with a dumbfounded look. I slapped my hand against my face and groaned before pointing to the truck.

“For starters… it’s a diesel truck, real trucks don’t have sparkplugs…” but once again she cut me off.

“What are sparkplugs?” She asked and I rolled my eyes.

“Never mind, it’s got a crew cab with…” as I pointed to the cab, but once again she cut me off.

“Crew cab?” She asked and I face palmed as I let out a sigh.

“Just… pretend you know what I’m talking about… crew cab with an eight foot extended box, four wheel drive with manual locking hubs…” but once again she cut me off.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but… I just don’t understand what that means…” she said in an apologetic tone. I let out a muffled groan before stepping over to her and rubbing her head like I was petting a dog. She gasped from the sudden contact and just stood there, shocked that I’d actually touch her in a non-violent way.

“Just… I’ll explain it later… just listen to my rant,” I said with a wink. She nodded and I began again. “Crew cab, eight foot box, four wheel drive with locking hubs, nine thousand pound legal tow hitch capacity, over twelve thousand with a fifth wheel…” At the final statement she interrupted me.

“That… thing, err the… truck… can pull that much? Does it use magic to do so?” She asked and I smiled. Finally she understood something I said.

I shook my head. “Nah, it’s all horsepower… chrome grill bars with two fog lamps and a winch, chrome headache rack with six high beam lights, chrome pipe sidesteps…” I continued as I pointed to each individual part. “Two side mounted toolboxes with my… tools, in the back… it’s… it’s…” I stammered as I took a breath.

She rested a hoof on my shoulder. “Can we call it something other than Cadance?” She asked and I nodded.

“Yeah, Cadance is her full name but usually I address her as Cade, that’s short for Cadance and long for… Kaa…” I said with a smirk.

“Cade… that’s nicer than the name Cadance,” she told me. I was about to ask why, but then quickly remembered her… defeat. Whatever the hell she wanted to call it, it sounded kind of gay, regardless of how she put it.

I opened the driver side door and the door light shown down to light my way. “Hop in,” I told Chrysalis who simply stood there with a look of confusion on her face. Right… she wouldn't know a thing about my stuff. “Just walk over to the other side…” I told her with a sigh. She did as I asked while I leaned across to the passenger side and reached for the door but couldn’t reach it.

“Fuck… this truck is too big sometimes…” I muttered as I squeezed myself further until I finally reached the door handle and popped the door open. As it swung open, I motioned for Chrysie to hop in.

She just stood outside with an unsure look on her face. “What? I’m not going to rape you,” I laughed. To this comment she blushed. I reached over and extended my hand, offering her my help to get into the vehicle. “Just step on that chrome pipe thing and it should be able to help you in,” I told her.

She did as I asked and finally managed to get in but squirmed in the seat as she tried to arrange herself in a comfortable way. I leaned across her body and she gasped from my sudden movement. “What are you doing?” She gasped in a whispered tone that made me laugh.

“Preparing to rape you! Never get in a stranger's vehicle!” I laughed in a sarcastic tone before slamming the passenger door shut. I leaned back into my seat and looked over, only to see she had a frightened look on her face. “What?" I asked then thought back on my rather crude joke. "Oh… sorry, I was just kidding… I guess it was a really bad joke huh?” I asked and she let out a relieved sigh.

I scrunched my nose as I set my SKS rifle across the back bench seat. “Let me ask you something…” I began and she nodded. “If you’re a feared creature in Equestria… then why do you fear me?” I asked and she gulped.

“Because you’re scary…” She stammered timidly and I rolled my eyes.

“Really? I’m not even scary. What’s so scary about me that a feared queen, like yourself, would be scared of?” I asked and she managed to speak.

“It is most likely your ability to kill without hesitation,” she stated and I rolled my eyes.

“How do you know I’m not just saying that? Maybe I’m actually really gentle and wouldn’t hurt a fly,” I countered, but she replied back easier than I thought she would.

“I watched you defeat those Timberwolves earlier,” she replied and I sighed. I reached up to the sun visor and pulled it down. A set of keys flopped down which I snatched right out of the air, almost as if it was a natural instinct.

“Oh Cadance, you naughty, naughty girl…” I whispered as I began to caress the steering wheel. Chrysalis looked over to me with a shocked look. I laughed quietly to myself. “You have to talk naughty to Cadan… Cade, to get her turned on,” I told Chrysalis, who raised an eyebrow. I sighed, “Okay… you got me. It’s just something I do to entertain myself… but you do have to unlock the ignition lock,” I said as I waved a little tab that was attached to the set of keys.

She watched as I waved it through the cubby hole just to the left of the 12V power plug hook-up. The cubby hole emitted a beep and I looked to Chrysalis with a smirk. “The naughty key…” I said with a laugh before slipping the keys into the ignition and turning them. I stopped just before running the starter.

A little red message appeared on the dashboard just beside the steering column that read ‘Wait to start’. Another second passed and the light flicked off. I turned the key and the truck turned over briefly before rumbling to life.

The 7.3L turbo engine hummed its low pitched tune. I reached over to the left instrument panel and pulled back a little tab to its full extension. The lights and low beam fog lamps lit up, but didn’t do much to brighten the dark forest in front of us.

“And Burdy said, let there be light!” I announced before tapping the windshield washer stick forwards. A little blue light lit up on the dashboard, informing me that the high beams where on. I didn’t need it to tell me. Both the headache rack lights and the grill bar lights flared up and illuminated the entire forest that was directly in front of the truck, even giving light to the rear of the truck.

“Oh wait… just wait… this’ll be perfect…” I said before hopping out of the truck and running around to the rear side. As I rummaged through the rear of the truck I muttered to myself small curse words. “Where the fuck is it… how the fuck can’t I find something that fucking big… oh there it is.” I reached for the white object that had an almost ivory look to it.

I pulled out a set of Texas Longhorn bull horns that had been polished and then mounted to a hood magnet. Rather than drill holes in my hood, I figured, ‘Why not get a really good magnet that could mount stuff to my hood when I felt like compensating for stuff?’ Seemed logical to me.

I hurried around to the front of my truck and latched the horns to the hood, tips pointing outwards. “Oh… we are so set now…” I said before jumping back into the truck. Chrysalis looked over to me with a wondering look.

“I don’t have a small dick, they’re just jealous that my truck is better than their Civic…” She gave me a confused look as her reply. “Never mind, which way to Ponyville?” I asked and she pointed to our right.

“To Ponyville!” I said aloud before slipping the automatic transmission stick into drive. I reached to the radio and pressed power. A little readout screen read a bunch of things before scanning the disc currently inside the CD player.

Chrysalis looked to the CD player and listened to the tunes. Moments later she looked to me. “Are you playing this because of… me?” She asked and I looked to her with a raised eyebrow.

“Uhm no… but it’s a good song huh?” I asked. ‘The Who, Behind Blue Eyes’ was a good song to listen to, but I guess if you compare the song lyrics to what Chrysalis had been through, you could say it resembled her life story.

Not even five minutes into driving, Chrysalis was squirming again, trying to find a comfortable way to sit. “Here…” I said as I lifted the middle console, revealing the truck’s sixth seat.

She smiled as she curled up on both the passenger side seat, and the middle seat. “Thank you…” She thanked me with a genuine tone and my heart seemed to flutter as she rested her head on my lap.

She was just like an adorable puppy. I remembered back when I was young with my dog, Ally…

Earth,

Years ago…

I sat on the porch and whistled loudly. I heard panting as a brown mix breed dog came racing around the corner of the house, leaping the entire flight of stairs in just one jump. Her tail wagged furiously as she jumped, her front paws on my lap, slobber drooling down onto my cargo pants and staining them.

“Oooh… who loves you?” I asked in a cuddly voice as I leaned my face forwards. My dog, Ally, began slurping at my face, drool covering the majority of my face before I pulled back and wiped it away.

Her panting was quick and excited. “Does somebody want to go for a walk?” I asked and, to answer that question, her whole front end began to move in opposite motion with her rear, her tail wagging being so powerful that it nearly affected her whole body.

“Yeah! Let’s go for a walk!” I said happily. She sloshed her face forwards and began slurping wet dog kisses across my face before rushing off the porch and down to the ground. She looked back to me, her tail still wagging. “Yeah, yeah, give me a second…” I stated as I stood up and stretched.

To this action she went absolutely berserk and ran around in circles. “Alright… alright, I’m coming, I’m coming…” I laughed. No sooner had I set foot on the ground, she raced off, sniffing the ground for anything exciting to dig up.

Equestria,

Present time…

I wiped a tear away from my eyes as I remembered those days. They seemed like just yesterday.

I felt a wetness on my groin and looked down, only to see that Chrysalis had passed out and was drooling on my lap. “Figures…” I muttered to myself. I flicked off the radio and looked to my watch. It read that it was 6:39am so I guess I had kind of lost track of time. That and we were in an open field with a few apple trees here and there.

I went to wake Chrysalis up and ask her which way to go, but couldn’t bring myself to do so, she was just too damn adorable like this. I chuckled as I thought about how she resembled a block of Swiss cheese that was molded into some sort of four legged animal.

I shut Cadance off and slowly slipped out of my truck, making sure not to wake her. Musing to myself as I walked to the back of the truck, I realized that none of the stars in the sky even closely resembled the ones back home. They looked really... fake, almost as if from some story book or something.

I reached into the back of my truck and pulled out a can of Hoppe's 9 gun cleaner. 'Corrosively primed shells equals: gun must be cleaned' I chuckled to myself as I quickly disassembled the rifle on my tailgate. The Russians sure knew how to make a gun, that was for sure. I needed no extra tools to clean or disassemble the rifle, everything came with it.

I took out a few cleaning patches from a baggy and quickly made do of cleaning the gun, everything from the receiver to the trigger assembly. I dried of the gun with some paper towels and within a minute, I had the gun assembled back together. I nodded to myself as the clean barrel gleamed in the night sky.

I put away all my cleaning supplies then made my way back to the driver side door. I sighed quietly as I squirmed into the back bench seat, setting my rifle across the floor before slipping off both my boots and socks, letting my feet get some fresh air for the first time in at least twenty four hours. Though it was kind of cramped in the back, I managed to scrunch up in a fetal and quickly fall asleep. ‘I’ll probably wake up in my truck back at the farm… Scotty will never believe this dream…’ I thought before my mind became blank.

I felt a nudging at my leg that immediately awoke me. I sat up though my vision was a bit blurred from the seemingly blinding sun-rays that pierced through the windows. I groaned as I wiped the eye boogers away. “Scotty… you’re never going to believe the fucked up dream I just had…” I began but was cut off by a familiar voice.

“Who’s Scotty?” The voice asked. I groaned as I slowly took my hands away from my face. Though she wasn’t necessarily a terrible sight, seeing her meant that I must still be stuck in my dream.

“I thought I had finally woken up…” I muttered before trying to stretch. I soon felt a tingly feeling in my groin. “Ugh… give me a second!” I gasped before quickly squirming my way out of the back seat, past the changeling queen and to the rear of my truck.

Morning residue was still on the ground and dampened my bare feet, but I could care less. I fumbled with my belt buckle before slightly slipping down my pants and boxers then finally getting the relief my body so badly needed.

I let out a deep and relieved breath as I stood there, the sound of urine splashing against the ground echoed in the fresh morning air. “What are you doing?” Chrysalis asked, but before I could answer, she realized. “UGH! Couldn’t you have chosen a better place to do that?!” She made it sound like what I was doing was some indecent act.

I looked around with a smirk then chuckled. “Well… it was either here or… over there, in the wide open fields…” I stated while pointing to the pasture. Chrysalis sighed as she face hoofed. ‘God, what was the big deal, so I was taking a leak… maybe I should’ve pissed last night, err earlier this morning, before I passed out…’ I thought.

Finally relieved, I gave my buddy a shake then slipped him back into my boxers and pulled them up along with my pants before buckling my belt. I opened the tailgate and sat down while I let out a long yawn and stretched, cracking my back in several spots. The stretch seemed to relieve tension in my back muscles.

I tried to think about what to do but found myself in a state of tiredness. I looked to my watch only to see that it was 8:29am. So I hadn’t had that much sleep, but it would have to suffice for now.

As I let out another yawn, tears came to my eyes and I wiped them away. “Are you crying?” Chrysalis asked and I shook my head.

“No…” I said through a yawn. “When I yawn tears tend to come to my eyes,” I informed her before rubbing my eyes with the palms of my hands. “This has to be a dream…” I muttered and Chrysalis gave a gentle laugh.

“Why does it ‘have’ to be a dream?” She asked and I gave her a ‘You damn well know why’ look.

“Because it has to be a dream,” I said bluntly and she laughed lightly before sitting beside me. I rolled my eyes as my stomach grumbled. Come to think of it, I hadn’t eaten in over twenty four hours, having missed breakfast the day before. As I yawned, I managed to ask her something very important.

“Where’s the closest restaurant?” And she scratched her chin. As she continued to think about the question, I realized that because of her ‘feared’ nature, she probably didn’t get out and socialize much. “Is there food in Pony town?” I asked and she gave a shrug. ‘Close enough…’ I thought before hopping down from the tailgate.

I gave one final yawn and stretched before slamming the tailgate shut and proceeding to the driver side door, Chrysalis moving her way to the passenger side at the same time. I slipped into the driver seat and looked over, only to see that Chrysalis was having trouble getting the door open. “Press the button near the hand…” I began, only to remember that she didn’t have fingers, or the use of her magic.

I shuffled over so that I could reach the door handle and popped open the door before extending my hand for her to take. She rested a hoof on my hand and I grasped it gently, guiding her into the passenger seat.

“Can I borrow something to dry off my horn?” She asked. I slipped off my jacket and used the sleeves to wipe the paste off her horn. Moments later her horn glowed and she blasted some green beam out towards the ground that scorched the grass where it struck.

“Hot damn. Remind me never to get on your bad side.” I muttered and she looked to me with a slight grin. “Hey don’t get any funny ideas either…” I said as I shook my finger at her.

She laughed as the passenger door glowed with a green aura then slammed shut. “I wouldn’t think of it,” she told me in a cute tone. I reached for my keys but they floated up in front of my face, covered in the same green aura that had recently enticed the passenger door.

“May I?” She asked and I shrugged. She blushed slightly before giving a timid giggle. “Uhm… Cade you… naughty girl…” She continued to giggle as she tried to talk naughty to my truck.

I laughed. “You don’t actually have to literally talk naughty to my truck… just swipe the tab in the cubby hole.” I informed her. To this information her cheeks turned a bright cherry red shade, having realized she made a fool of herself.

Without another word, she quickly levitated the keys into the cubby hole, emitting a beep. The keys then dangled through the air and towards the ignition. She tried a few times before having to crawl over atop my lap, looking closely while she figured out how to insert the keys into the ignition.

She began to turn the keys but I gasped. “Wait, no, no!” and she stopped abruptly. I pointed to the red readout on the panel that read ‘Wait to start’. “It’s glow plugs, you have to wait for them to…” I began but realized she’d have no idea what I was talking about. “Just wait for that message to go away.”

Another few moments passed and the message disappeared. She twisted the key and the truck chugged to life, emitting its low iconic rumble. She leaned back into the passenger side and smiled.

I chuckled slightly. “I guess you can turn some things on,” I said and, to the rather sexual comment, she blushed lightly. I reached down to the driver door master controls and rolled down both windows with the electric buttons.

The windows hummed as they slid down and Chrysalis watched with extreme fascination. ‘God it’s like she’s never seen a roll down window before…’ I thought to myself.

“How did you do that? Do you have magic to?!” She gasped and I shook my head before pointing to the buttons.

“You have them too, except only for your window. Press the button with the up arrow for the window to go up, or the down arrow for the window to go down.” I informed her. She looked to the buttons then pressed her hoof atop the up arrow.

Though her hoof was a little large to be pressing buttons, she did manage to work the window. “Which way to Pony town?” I asked.

Without looking, she pointed towards a small town in the distance. “Over there, and it’s Ponyville, not Pony town…” She told me whilst continuing to fiddle with the electric windows. I rolled my eyes with a smile, ‘An empress of an empire… entertained by electric windows…’ I thought. I reached into the back seat, grabbed both my socks and my boots, then slipped them on. Just before slipping the truck into drive, I put my jacket back on and wiped away the gooey stuff, flicking it out the window to avoid staining my truck’s interior.

The truck’s tires rolled through the rather thick grass before finally finding a dirt path that looked like it led right to the town. Without any notifications I didn’t know what the speed limit was here. “What’s the speed limit?” I asked and she looked over to me.

“The what?” She asked and I realized that was probably another thing they didn’t have.

“Uhm… I mean… how fast are we allowed to go?” I rephrased my sentence and she shrugged.

“I suppose as fast as you want but… don’t do anything that’s dangerous,” she stated. ‘As fast as I want?! Oooh it sounds like the Audubon…’ I thought before slowly pressing the accelerator pedal downwards.

The truck slowly picked up speed before reaching a smoother road surface. ‘50… 60… 70… 80…’ I thought to myself as I read the speedometer. Finally reaching 80 km/h, I realized that perhaps I shouldn’t go that fast when entering a town with possible pedestrians.

However, as the truck slowed to a mere 60 km/h and entered the town, it looked as if the town was deserted. No one was to be seen. The streets were empty, the doors to every home were closed, hell, some places even had the windows shut tight with boards over them.

I stopped the truck in the middle of town and switched off the ignition but left the battery on for one specific reason. “So uhm… where is everyone?” I asked and Chrysalis shrugged. She went to open the passenger door but I stopped her.

“Nah, nah, nah… I gotta make this a cool entrance…” I told her and she gave me a confused look. “Trust me…” I said in an Arnie voice before reaching for the back window rack. I couldn’t reach what I was after and sighed in irritation before tilting my seat back and grabbing the desired object.

I leaned the seat upright and Chrysalis looked to me with a curious look. “What is that?” She asked and I smiled before fiddling with the radio until I got the song I wanted. I racked the slide on the Norinco 870 short barrel 12 gauge, loading a fresh 3" magnum shell into the chamber.

The tunes ‘Bad to the Bone, by George Thorogood’ began to play on the radio. I cranked the music to the maximum before reaching for my black sunglasses while at the same time trying to keep a straight face.

I gave the right arm of the sunglasses a flick and both arms extended. I slipped the glasses on my face before slowly stepping out of the truck and looking around with a Terminator facial expression. The sling of the shotgun dangled about, while my boots tufted up some dust that was blown away with the slight breeze.

I couldn’t handle it and chuckled slightly, a smug grin slipping across my lips. However fucked up this dream may be, I was going to have fun doing it. I let the shotgun dangle in my right hand, its twelve inch barrel barely giving it enough length to pass my knees.

Another few moments passed by and I rolled my eyes. I guess I was kind of hoping for some bar owner to come out with a lever action shotgun. I stepped back towards the truck and fully turned off the truck, the radio quickly silencing afterwards.

“Well… I think this place is abandoned…” I stated as Chrysalis stepped out from the passenger side. I walked forwards a couple of steps, my Terra work boots kicking up more dust. I stopped and called out to anyone who might be able to hear me. “HELLO! ANYONE HOME! WE’RE NOT HERE TO HURT YOU!” I yelled out. Silence answered me and I looked to Chrysalis with a small smile.

“Well… wanna loot some abandoned houses?” I asked and she gasped from my question.

“We can’t steal!” She gasped, almost like it was the worst possible thing ever. ‘Jeeze… she’s tried to take over the world yet she won’t steal from abandoned houses…’ I thought before sighing.

“Okay… but I’m hungry,” I stated before looking around for a diner. Maybe I wouldn’t steal, but rather take some food and leave money, that way it wouldn’t technically be stealing. As I continued to look around, I heard a faint whistling that sounded almost like a bomb falling from the sky.

“Huh… kind of sounds like a supercharger or something…” I muttered as I looked to the sky. I spotted something grey flying down towards the ground and squinted my eyes to get a better look.

“What the hell is that?” I whispered as it continued to get closer. I scratched the top of my head and continued to watch but in sheer moments I realized something awful, it wasn’t going to stop.

My spine tingled and sent out a terrible feeling throughout my body. I went to leap out of the way but stopped at the last moment as I heard a cry for help. I looked up to see that the cry was coming from the grey figure in the sky. I quickly raced through the possible options of what I could do to help, but in the end just stood there like an idiot.

Seconds later the figure slammed into me, crashing both our bodies into the ground and making a slight crater, dust fuming into the air and covering our bodies from sight. My shotgun cluttered across the ground, landing nearby but just out of my reach. I groaned as bright white blurs stained my vision, pain searing through my body and emitting pained groans from my mouth.

I heard a paced and fearful panting coming from whatever had just hit me. I felt the figure that was currently resting on top of my body. It had soft fur and… wings?! I opened my right eye only to see a gray pegasus splayed across my chest, wearing some sort of grey uniform, with holes cut in the back of its shirt to allow movement of its wings.

It still had its hooves over its eyes but slowly took them away, revealing a set of criss-crossed, light yellow eyes. We just laid like that for a moment before I winced and tried to sit up.

“Are you okay? I just don’t know what went wrong,” she stated in a funny voice. I nodded with another wince of pain. How I had survived that crash I didn’t want to know, but I had survived nonetheless. “Are you sure you’re okay, you look…” She trailed off and gasped in fear as she noticed the tall black figure behind me. “RUN!” She screamed.

I turned to see Chrysalis standing behind me, then turned back to the pegasus, only to see her struggling to get off me. Her tail had become entwined around my leg, keeping her from escaping.

“HELP! IT’S GOT ME!” She screamed. I gently grabbed hold her midsection and pulled her back towards me, before trying to loosen her tail from around my leg. “HELP! SOMEPONY HELP ME!” She screamed as she continued to thrash about, her wings constantly slapping my face and making it hard to loosen the tail still wrapped around my leg.

“Would yah… stop moving around… so much… hey knock it off already, I’m trying to get you free.” I managed as I continued to try and get her tail free.

“Hurry! RUN, IT’S HERE!” She continued to scream. A strong wingbeat slapped my face and I lost my grip around her tail. She flew forwards, almost like a hummingbird, her wings emitting a high pitched hum, before quickly losing most of her energy and collapsing on the ground, panting for air.

I took one step forwards, allowing the tension on her tail to loosen. She rolled over to her back and saw my body lumbering above her. She tried painfully to shuffle backwards, but I grabbed her and held her above the ground. “Just… calm down. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here to… rescue you,” I said as I looked back to Chrysalis and motioned for her to get in the truck.

As Chrysalis hopped back in the truck I looked back to the pegasus who had a shocked look on her face, which looked kind of funny because of her eyes. I quickly undid her tail from around my leg, then set her down and stepped back.

“Please just… don’t be scared…” I said in a very gentle voice. “I know that Chrys… the changeling, is very scary, but she’s just here to buy a puppy,” I stated. The pegasus just sat there, wide eyed, obviously petrified by the recent experience.

I reached my hand down. “Let’s start over, my name is Evan, but you can call me Burdy,” I told her. She brought a shaky hoof up and accepted my offer. I helped her to all fours and she fluffed her wings before gulping.

“I’m… Derpy,” she stated rather sheepishly. I nodded as I gave a gentle shake of my hand.

“It’s very nice to meet you Derpy,” I stated before taking my hand away and resting it back at my side. The door to my truck opened and Chrysalis stepped out. Derpy was about to scream but I brought my hand to her mouth.

“She’s not here to hurt anyone. She is only here to get a puppy, so please… don’t scream,” I said. Derpy gulped as Chrysalis slowly approached. I looked to Chrysalis. “Chrysalis… this is Derpy.” I introduced the black empress to the cross eyed pegasus.

She extended her hoof that was covered in holes. 'I wonder how all those holes got there anyway,' I thought as I watched the duo. Derpy had an extremely petrified look on her face as she brought her hoof up and shook Chrysalis’s.

“DERPY RUN!” Screamed a voice just as my senses flared out of control, sending tingly feelings throughout my entire body and making everything seem to go in slow motion.

I turned to see a streak of rainbow flying directly at us, at deadly speeds. I tackled the duo to the ground just in time. The rainbow streak flew directly above us and crashed into the wall of a building, shattering it to pieces and revealing several horses… ponies.

They were like ponies, but a tad bit shorter. Probably standing at about waist level and having very strange, colored fur. They all began to scream as they raced around in a frantic way, scurrying about like the end of the world was upon them.

Derpy, Chrysalis, and I stood up and just watched as the whole town seemed to become livelier. “Guess it wasn’t abandoned… well, let’s get something to eat,” I said, but the two gave me a look that seemed like they were thinking I was stupid.

“FREEZE!” Boomed a voice and I looked over to see several ponies dressed in medieval armour, brandishing spears and such. No pony listened, but I quickly clued in that they were perhaps talking to us.

“Hey, do you guys know where I can buy a puppy?” I asked as I approached them. Suddenly that rainbow colored streak struck me, tackling me to the ground.

“Don’t move, or else!” Threatened the cyan blue pegasus. She had a rainbow colored mane that drooped down past her face and dangled just inches from my face. I slipped my left arm between us and tossed her aside with ease. At first I thought she would have some weight to her body, so I put in a lot of force to my thrust, but I was surprised to find that she probably wouldn’t weigh more than maybe one hundred pounds, so her body was sent tumbling about.

I stood up just as more medieval looking ponies arrived, followed by a carriage pulled by more pegasi. Jeeze, things were getting out of hand quickly... and we just wanted a fricken puppy. I scrambled across the ground and grabbed the shotgun before raising its barrel into the air and firing it.

Everything became still as the ponies all froze from the weapon’s discharge, which was close to a crack of thunder. The shot echoed in the distance and they all looked to me as I racked the slide, expelling a still smoking red cartridge onto the ground.

“Now that I’ve got your attention… where can I buy a puppy? My friend here wants one,” I said as I pointed to Chrysalis.

“Wait… what?!” The rainbow colored pegasus asked with a dumbfounded look.

“My friend wants a puppy… and I want to go home,” I said. Everything seemed to be still as they processed what they had just heard. “Well?” I asked curiously. Several ponies scratched their heads, almost like they thought they couldn’t believe what they were hearing.

“You’re… friends with her?” Asked one of the guards. I nodded as I slung the shotgun across my back.

“Eeyah… now about that puppy…” I asked. A soft gasp could be heard before a pale yellow pegasus hummed forwards, her long pink mane and tail dangling about freely. She landed sheepishly in front of us, shaking terribly as she stepped forwards.

“Uhm… I can… help you… I mean… if you… don’t mind and… Eep, please don’t hurt me!” She gasped before cowering before my feet. I looked around with shock and confusion. She was obviously really petrified of Chrysalis… or me… I’d guess Chrysalis, but it could be either one of us... or maybe both.

I cautiously leaned down and tapped her on the shoulder. “Uhm… I’m not here to hurt anyone… any… pony… I’m just here to get my friend a puppy, can you help me… please?” I asked in a semi afraid voice, trying to give her comfort by acting like I too was afraid.

Her legs trembled as she stood up and nodded.

An hour passed and the ‘Royal guards’ had finally backed off. Some white unicorn with wings stated she could handle us if anything went wrong. At first I was relieved. I figured that I wouldn’t have a bunch of stallions with spears poking me in the ass. But now I had this white unicorn thing looming over me like some sort of death cloud.

Now several of us sat at some tree cottage thing while the yellow pegasus, who stated that her name was: Flutter, Flutter, Flutter, was singing a song with Chrysalis while they hopped around like some god awful Disney movie sing-a-long scene.

“So Flutter Flutter Flutter…” I began but the purple unicorn with wings beside me gave me a weird look.

“Flutter Flutter Flutter?” She asked and I nodded.

“Well that’s her name right? I mean that’s what she said when I introduced myself,” I replied. She face hoofed.

“No… she’s shy. Her name is Fluttershy, but she was probably so scared of you that she couldn’t pronounce her own name,” she informed me. Suddenly I heard a squeal of delight and looked over to see Chrysalis holding a cute Golden Retriever puppy.

“I LOVE YOU!” Chrysalis announced as she held the puppy close to her face and snuggled it. The puppy licked her face, elisping another squeal of happiness from Chrysalis. I let out a sigh as I stretched.

“Now… can I please go home?” I asked and they all looked to me. I had a feeling that this wouldn’t end well.

So sure enough, it didn’t end well. I later found out, on our way to some empire of crystals, that I wasn’t dreaming. In fact, I was in some place called Equestria; where ponies lived in harmony and it was ruled by the princesses, which were called alicorns, and that it sounded like something out of a really cheesy Disney movie.

But luckily, they knew of a way to get me back to my world. There was some sort of magic portal mirror thingy that could transport me back to my world. I was saved. The only problem was that it was too small to fit my truck through, but I figured for now, I’d just find a way to get back home, and then find a way to get my truck home.

Chrysalis had flown off with her puppy after a rather sad farewell. That left me, the six ‘harmony’ bearers, and three alicorns along with a stallion who stated his name was: Shining Armor. Six harmony ponies, Lord Death, Blue Lord Death, Pink Lord Death and Shining Armor... great.

“So…” I began as I looked to the mirror. “How will we get my truck through that?” I asked. They all looked around as they tried to think of a plausible answer. I rolled my eyes. “Never mind, I’ll just come back with a mechanic crew and disassemble it later,” I said, but the dark blue alicorn, Luna I think her name was... Blue Lord Death I called her, interrupted my suggestion.

“It would not be wise to do so. Brining several of your kind here may disrupt the balance between our worlds and crash the portal." I groaned from the information and sighed.

“Fine… then I’ll bring back some tools and disassemble it myself, then voila, we’re in business,” I told them.

“Ah thought yah said that the toolbox on yer… truck did yah call it? Had tools in it.” Stated the orange southern pony. I gave a semi-nod before opening one of the toolboxes, revealing several cases.

“They are… my tools… ahem, tools,” I said.

“So why not disassemble it now?” She asked. I grabbed the case labelled ‘Applebloom’ and walked towards the driver side door and grabbed my SKS from the backseat before fitting it into the case.

“Because these tools aren’t used for fixing…” I said scientifically as I set the case in the toolbox and locked it shut. “But regardless…” I began as I put on a straight face. “Ah’ll be back,” I said as I walked up to the mirror.

I kind of half expected this to be some bad joke, but as I placed my hand on the mirror, I went right through. It was like it was an actual portal.

I stepped through and my mind became hazy as it seemed like my body was stretched into spaghetti. I yelped as my body flew through some hippy looking bright tunnel of light.

The next thing I knew, I was looking at a clear sky. I sat up and looked around. It didn’t look like I was at that Crystal palace place anymore. It looked like I was at some sort of high school.

I let out a small relieved exhale as I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my cheeks but gasped as it didn’t feel right. It felt way too soft and mushy. I looked to my hands and screamed as I realized my hand looked… animated.

There were no joint lines on my fingers. My fingers themselves looked to be about the width of a friggin pencil and my body…

I screamed again as I realized that my body looked terribly off. I no longer had my hulking frame, instead I looked like some thin model or something. My hair it was… soft and silky, not short and rough like it used to be. My skin was… green.

I grasped my right bicep, only to realize that it had shrunk considerably. It was now probably the size of what my wrist used to be. “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?” I screamed as loud as I could. My voice echoed the profanity throughout the entire property. A person walking by looked to me with a shocked look from my sudden outburst.

I looked to him only to realize he didn’t look at all human. Instead he looked, well, kind of human, but his skin tone… it was purple! And his arms and legs were even thinner than mine.

I scrambled backwards but my mind went blank as my body fell through the portal. I, once again, went into that hippy portal thing and my body was stretched out like spaghetti.

I awoke back in Equestria with the group all looking to me with shocked faces. I quickly brought up my hand and let out a relieved sigh. “I never thought I’d be so happy to be back here,” I said and they all gave me a confused look.

“That was fast,” Rainbow Dash stated and I nodded.

“Whatever the fuck that was… it wasn’t my home… my body was the size of a fucking TWIG, A TWIG! Look at me, I’m not a fucking twig!” I gasped and Celestia interrupted me.

“Could you please refrain from using that kind of language?” She asked, but it sounded more like an order. I brought my hands over my face as I pouted out a whimper.

“Can’t I just go home… I don’t belong here…” I whimpered, but not in a scared way, more of a pouty way.

“Uhm… I might know where he came from… kind of…” Twilight stated and we all looked over to her. “I uhm… might have… used an advanced teleportation spell that might have…” Twilight began.

Equestria, Sunday evening…

Twilight sat atop her bed and looked to the stars far above in the midnight sky. Her head drooped as she sighed to herself. Ever since she had become a princess, it had been her every wish to become a great teacher like Celestia was to her.

But regardless of how much she wanted to be a mentor, she could never find a well suited candidate to be her student. She flopped down to her belly and levitated over a spell book she had recently started reading, ‘Ancient Magica, By Star Swirl The Bearded'.

She opened the book to where she had left off. It informed her of various magical spells meant to reshape objects and even change the density if the user desired. As the night dragged on, Twilight found it difficult to keep her eyes open.

Ever so gradually, her eyes would take longer to blink. Soon after that, she began to nod her head in drowsiness then perk up before she drifted into deep sleep. Then, as the night struck early morning, she finally gave into her body’s exhaustion and fell asleep, with her face resting on the chapter titled ‘Unfinished spells'.

The next morning came quicker than she expected, and to her surprise, Spike was shaking her hindleg. “Twilight! Come on Twi, breakfast is done!” Spike stated. Twilight gasped as she lept out of bed, her wings sprang out, knocking over her lamp.

“Whoops… ah haha…” Twilight chuckled sheepishly as she set her lamp back on the nightstand. She looked to Spike and sniffed the air, the aroma of fresh cooked potatoes and eggs filled the air. “Mmm… that smells really good Spike…”

Hours later…

Twilight took one last look at the spell description before she focused her magic. Her horn sputtered out globs of magical energy as the ground shook a little beneath her hooves. She clenched her eyes shut as she sharpened her focus to try and get the spell right.

According to the book, it was an unfinished spell by Star Swirl and was some sort of advanced teleportation spell. Twilight was determined to figure out the secret to this particular one and complete it. It was something which she had been doing all day, but so far she had no such luck.

“Come on… come on…” She grunted before her horn suddenly backfired, sending her tumbling back and crashing into Spike.

“Twilight… Twilight… I can’t breathe!” Spike’s muffled voice could be heard from underneath her body as she quickly sat up and scratched her head, ignoring her now gasping best helper.

“Hmm… well I wonder if…” Twilight muttered to herself as she began focusing her magic again.

Spike tried to speak, “Uhm Twilight… maybe we should stop for lunch. You never know, maybe after eating you’ll have more energy?” He suggested, but Twilight still ignored him, absolutely determined to complete this spell.

She grunted as her horn fumed out spurts of energy and finally, a powerful beam of energy shot out but dissipated only a few feet away from Twilight. She stared in disbelief. “But… but… I did it perfectly that time!” She gasped.

Spike’s hand rested on her side. “Don’t let it bother you Twi… hey, maybe we could stop at Sugarcube corner and get something good to eat,” Spike offered. Twilight drooped her head before taking a glance at the book.

“You know what Spike… you’re right! Let’s go get something to eat, I’ll figure this spell out later,” she announced with a smile before stuffing the book into her saddle bag and departing with her baby dragon friend.

Present time…

“So that’s about it…” Twilight said. Celestia stood there with a look of worry on her face.

“Okay so… can’t you just do it again and send me home?” I asked, but Celestia answered my question with some really bad news, probably the worst I had heard all day.

“I’m afraid not… if this is the spell which I think it is… then you will not be able to return home. The spell was too dangerous to complete, because if the ending to the spell is used, then it may create a rupture between the dimensions… it is bad enough that it was used to get you here…” Celestia said in a serious tone.

“Celestia, I’m sooo sorry, I had no idea that…” Twilight began to apologize, but Celestia rested an assuring hoof on her shoulder.

“Fret not Twilight Sparkle. Nothing bad has seemed to happen… in fact… I have an idea that you might just like…” I had a terribly awful gut wrenching feeling about this...

Author's Notes:

I've played the naughty key trick on Ford technicians before when I get my oil changed. They're like "Hey man, your truck won't start" and I ask "Did you talk naughty to her first?" and their faces will go pale, I'll get in the driver seat and act like you actually have to talk naughty then I'll start it. Then the technicians usually state "Man, your truck is weird, eh"