Villain Recruitment 1: Job interviews

   Atrox was waiting in the darkness, sit on a chair, in front of a square table, with his arms crossed. He delighted himself with the immaculate silence of that place for a few seconds more, before opening his red eyes and announcing:

   “It’s time.”

   With these words, the lights came on all at the same time, revealing a spacious room filled with technological marvels. The walls were covered with big computers of shiny buttons and even shinier screens, like something taken from a science-fiction movie. That was going to be the new subterranean headquarters of Atrox and his future army: a hub under his skull-shaped house, filled magitek devices and protected from the outside by several spells. The Dark Conqueror had needed five days to build all that, but it was finally done.

   And it was time to search for new soldiers.

   “The first applicant, please come in,” he said, taking pencil and paper.

   The metallic door at the other end of the room opened, and a green unicorn mare trotted to the table.

   “Please, take a sit,” said Atrox. “Welcome, and thanks for responding to my ad. Tell me your name.”

   “I’m Lyra. Nice to meet you!”

   “Ah, yes, I remember you,” said Atrox, while writing the name. “You were in my welcome party. So, do you want to join my-”

   “Wow, I can’t believe that I’m seeing real human hands!” interrupted Lyra, with her eyes shining. “The legends were true, each one has five fingers!”

   “Uh... what?”

   “This is so exciting! A real human! When I saw you at the party, I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

   “Technically, I’m not a human. At least, not anymore...”

   “But you look like one, that’s enough for me. Say, could you please move your fingers for a while? I want to see them in action!”

   “Um... maybe we should finish the interview first...”

   “Oh, I’m not interested in the job, I just came here to see you. So, can you move your fingers, please?”

   The Dark Conqueror sighed. It was going to be a long morning, wasn’t it?

Next!

   This time, the applicant was a brown male earth pony, with gray mane and a red cap on his head.

   “Tell me your name, please,” asked Atrox.

   “Scruffy. The Janitor.”

   “Aha, ok...” the Dark Conqueror wrote it down. “So, your name is ‘Scruffy’, and you work as a janitor-”

   “No, that’s my whole name: Scruffy. The Janitor.”

   “So... your name is Scruffy The Janitor?”

   “No: Scruffy. The Janitor.”

   “Scruffy, the Janitor?”

   “No, no, no. Scruffy Dot The Janitor. Scruffy. The Janitor”

   Atrox crossed what he had written, and then he wrote the name again, making pauses of several seconds between each word to think about what he had just heard.

   “Ok,” he said. “Scruffy. The Janitor. What’s your speciality?”

   “I’m a janitor.”

   The Dark Conqueror blinked. Then, he sighed.

   “Let me get this straight...” he said. “You’re Scruffy. The Janitor, the janitor?”

   “Yup.”

   Atrox stood in silence for a few seconds, then he asked:

   “What does the dot mean?”

Next!

   There are no words that could describe the expression that appeared in Atrox’s face when he saw Lyra appearing at the door for a second time.

   “Hi again!” she said, sitting in the chair.

   “Lyra, I thought I had left it perfectly clear: if you don’t want the job, then-”

   “Do you have fingers in your feet, too?”

   “They’re called ‘toes’, and yes, I have them.”

   “Can I see them?”

   “If I show them to you, will you please go home and let me proceed with the real interviews?”

Next!

   “Princess Celestia?! What are you doing here?!”

   “I decided to visit you,” explained the alicorn, smiling. “You know, I realized that I didn’t behave very nicely when we first met. I admit, I was very nervous due to the ‘Dark Conqueror from the past returns with his army of robots’, and all that; so I thought that I could spent some time with you, to know each others, like good friends.”

   “Well...” Atrox blushed. “I’m honored that you consider me your friend, Princess... But I don’t know if you realize that right now I’m holding interviews to select my new soldiers... who one day will defeat you... I’m sorry, this situation is kinda violent.”

   “Oh, don’t worry, I’m not mad about it. Actually, I find nice that you want to make friends with my loyal subjects by offering them a job.”

   “May I ask, shouldn’t you be controlling the course of the Sun through the skies right now?”

   “Luna is in charge of both Sun and Moon today. She asked me to let her take care of everything for one day, since I’ve been doing it for one thousand years,” Celestia giggled. “She wants to be just like her big sister, isn’t it cute?”

   Then, a scroll materialized in a ball of red fire. The Princess read it, and sighed.

   “I’m afraid I have to go,” she said. “Luna couldn’t handle it, and now Equestria is going to clash against the Sun, I have to fix that. It’s been a pleasure to talk with you in such relaxed way, I hope we can do it again soon. Bye!”

   And she disappeared in a flash of light. Atrox remained silent for some seconds, and then he asked:

   “What the heck did just happen?”

Next!

   After spending ten minutes in absolute silence, looking directly at each other, Atrox decided to ask the applicant the only question he could think of at that moment:

   “Why are you inside a giant tub of blue jelly?”

Next!

   “For the last time, Lyra: if you don’t want the job, then go home!”

Next!

   Atrox took another sheet of paper and looked to the next applicant. At the other side of the table, he saw three little heads: a white unicorn, a yellow earth pegasus with a ribbon, and an orange (kinda brownish) pegasus.

   His reaction was immediate:

   “Aaaw... You three are the most adorable little things I’ve seen in all my life!”

   “Yeah, yeah...” sighed Scootaloo, rolling her eyes.

   “So, do you want to join my army?”

   “Yes,” said Applebloom. “Maybe that’s our special talent!”

   “Being soldiers?”

   “No, being applicants,” explained Sweetie Belle.

   “But a sword for cutie mark wouldn’t be bad, either,” smiled Scootaloo.

   “Oh, you have spirit, and ambition. I like that,” Atrox asked for their names, and wrote them down. “So, what are your special talents?”

   “Duh, we don’t know,” said Scootaloo pointing at her blank flank. “That’s why we’re here.”

   “Well, don’t worry. I guess after a little training you’ll be strong enough to help me defeat Celestia and Luna!”

   The three little ponies gasped.

   “Are you crazy?!” exclaimed Applebloom, scandalized. “We would never do anything like that!”

   “What?” asked Atrox. “You didn’t know? It was in the ad! Didn’t you read the whole ad? ... Wait a minute...”

   The Dark Conqueror went to the door, opened it, and looked at the line of applicants who were waiting in the corridor. Then, he asked:

   “How many of you actually know that these interviews are to create an army to overthrow the Princesses and seize the total control of Equestria?”  

   Judging by the expressions in the face of the applicants, only a few of them.

   “Oh, for the love of-! It was all in the damn ad, people! Why do you come to a job interview without even reading the ad until the last sentence?! ... Ok, I guess most of you don’t want the job anymore, so please, go home. Specially you, Lyra.”

Next!

   The Dark Conqueror, back on his chair, took a deep breath of air. Now that the only applicants left were those who really knew the true objective of the interviews, everything would be easier. He called for the next one, and he was certainly impressed when he saw a blue female unicorn, dressed as an old wizard from a fairytale, with blue hat and cape, both of them filled with stars. And, unlike all the previous applicants, she looked kinda... evil.

   “Good morning, and thanks for coming,” said Atrox, thinking that perhaps his luck had changed. “Please, tell me your name.”

   The mare cleared her throat, put a hoof in the chest, and said, very theatrically:

   “You’re talking to non other than The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

   Atrox wrote it down.

   “So, your name is Trixie-”

   “The Great and Powerful Trixie,” corrected the unicorn. “Do not dare to ignore my title!”

   “Ok, ok, I’m sorry-”

   “You’d better be! And you should consider yourself honored that The Great and Powerful Trixie had decided to bless this...” she wrinkled her nose. “Ugly basement with her presence!”

   “I see that you like to speak of yourself in third person. So over-the-top... I like it! So, tell me, Great and Powerful Trixie...”

   “The Great and Powerful Trixie.”

   “Whatever. What is your special talent?”

   “Thanks to my magic, all of them,” smiled Trixie. “Anything you can do, The Great and Powerful Trixie can do it better.”

   Atrox raised an eyebrow.

   “My magic can destroy planets,” he said. “Can you do that better than me?”

   Trixie thought about it for a second.

   “Yes,” she said. “I’m pretty sure I can. I would find a way, eventually.”

   “You’re quite self-confident,” Atrox kept writing. “Well, if your spells are as powerful as you say, the job is yours.”

   “Excellent. Say, how we will distribute Equestria, after we conquer it?”

   Atrox stopped writing. The tip of the pencil broke.

   “Excuse me?” he asked.

   “The Great and Powerful Trixie desires to acquire the city of Canterlot, and the surrounding areas, of course. You can keep this lame village for yourself.”

   “We’re not going to distribute anything.”

   “What?”

   “I’ll become the absolute ruler of the entire planet. You can have Canterlot if you want it so much, but you will govern it under my command.”

   “No way! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to become the queen in the future Diarchy of Trixie and The Other One. The Great and Powerful Trixie will have the half of the kingdom and will be equal in importance and power as the other monarch, who I suppose will be you, although The Great and Powerful Trixie would prefer a handsome stallion, or even-”

   “There will be no diarchy,” growled Atrox.

   “Oh! This is intolerable!” Trixie turned her back on Atrox. “The Great and Powerful Trixie will not use her magic to help a loser like you! I should’ve known how lame you are when I saw your hideous house. Your lack of style sickens me! In fact, you, unlike the Great and Powerful Trixie, are so not cool; that everything about you sickens me! I hope Celestia banishes you to the moon!”

   And she abandoned the room. Atrox pulled a bag full of sand out of nowhere and started to punch it, to relieve stress.

Next!

   This time, the applicant was not a pony, but much more menacing-looking creature: a griffin.

   “Oh, I like what I’m seeing,” said Atrox. “Talons, a sharp peak, big wings... Yes, you will be a good soldier!”

   “Thanks, bud,” said she, sitting in the chair. “The name’s Gilda.”

   “I like how it sounds. Now, tell me about you...”

   “Well, I’m pretty good at flying, that’s my main talent. I’m also a tough fighter, griffons are naturally stronger than ponies, even the earth ones. Oh, and I think you’ll like to hear this: unlike that unicorn from before, I’ll follow all your orders without question.”

   “That’s the spirit! You will get far in my new Empire, Gilda! Any other thing I should know?”

   “Well... it’s just a hobby, but I’ll tell you anyway: I like to scare and bother creatures that are weaker than me.”

   Once again, Atrox stopped writing, and once again, the tip of the pencil broke. Also, the Dark Conqueror was surrounded by his indigo aura.

   “So...” he said. “You’re a bully...”

   “Right.”

   “There were bullies in my school...” Atrox broke the pencil with his hand. “Yes... They were very bad with me... Oh, but I took my revenge, indeed... I brainwashed them all, and turned them into my mindless slaves!”

   “Uh... are you ok, bud?”

   “I remember Jason...” Atrox wasn’t talking to Gilda anymore. He was talking to his hands. “Yes... He was constantly making fun at me for not being athletic... And Daniel, always looking down on me and acting like if he was smarter... They became my pawns! Literally, I dressed them as pawns and used them in my Giant Chess Game!”

   “What?”

   “And not only the bullies... I took my revenge on that editorial, too! ‘Your book is not good enough for ours.’, they said... Ha! I forced them to publish my books, and then I burned the building down to the foundations!”

   “You know what? I think I don’t want this job anymore...”

   Gilda jumped off the chair and abandoned the room. Two seconds later, she returned and asked:

   “Aren’t you technically a bully, too?”

   But Atrox was still lost in his mind:

   “And all the times my computer got infected by viruses... Revenge! With my magic, I tracked down every single person on my homeworld who made viruses, and forced them to eat their own computers! Without salt!”

   “Yeah... I think I’d better get going...”

Next!

   “Repeat me your names, please,” asked Atrox.

   “I’m Spot,” said the smallest one.

   “I’m Fido,” said the bulkiest one.

   “And I’m Rover,” said the tallest one. “I’m the leader.”

   The Dark Conqueror wrote the names, each one with a small description of the corresponding dog, to remember who was each one.

   “So, let me get this straight...” he said. “You call yourselves ‘the Diamond Dogs’, and you are willing to work in my new army, if I, in exchange, use my powers to give you lots of jewels. Well, it’s seems like a fair deal- Don’t touch those buttons!”

   “But they shine!” said Spot, walking towards a computer, with his arms extended. “They’re emeralds, and sapphires, and...”

   “No, they’re buttons!” Atrox used his magic to put the dog back in the chair. “Don’t touch any of the computers, please! Ahem... Now, you also said that you have a little army of hounds, good, I like it. It’ll be nice to have an new legion so soon, that’ll make things easier- Don’t touch that button!”  

   “Ruby...”, said Fido, approaching a big red button. “Ruby... Pretty...”

   “It’s not a ruby!” the Dark Conqueror used his magic again. “It’s a button, dammit! Look, it even has a warning, can’t you read it?! It doesn’t say ‘ruby’, it says ‘Self-Destruct Button. Do not push unless you really, really mean it’! Stay away from my computers! Rover, you say you were the leader, please explain to your comrades that those are not jewels- Don’t touch the #@&$ing buttons!"

Next!

   Two new stallions entered in the room, both of them unicorns. They were slightly taller and thinner than an average stallion, and if it wasn’t because one of them had a moustache, the two of them would be practically clones.

   “Mmh...” smiled Atrox. “I think you two will please me. I like your demeanor, and the way you dress... And those smiles in your faces tell me that you two are ambitious, creative, and evil! Yes, I like you! You already have extra points just for standing there! Impress me just a bit more, and the job is yours! Now, tell me your names...”

   But then, the two unicorns started to dance... and sing?

   “Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, it’s the same in every town: a dark overlord from outer space with no army of his own! Maybe he’s not aware that there’s no need for these job interviews!”

   “That the key for him to take this world in a ride you and I will provide!”

   “Well you’ve got opportunity, in this underground facility!”

   “He’s Flim!”

   “Hes’ Flam!”

   “We’re world famous Flim Flam brothers! Travelling pony mercenaries nonpareil!”

   The two unicorns jumped on the table, striking a pose and waiting for an answer. Atrox remained silent for a few seconds, and then he said just five words:

   “Out of my house. Now.”

Next!

   Atrox was double facepalming, with the elbows on the table. So far, the morning had been a disaster, and he hadn’t hired a single new soldier.

   “Hi!” said a female voice.

   The Dark Conqueror looked.

   “Derpy? What are you doing here? Didn’t you hear that this job is for dethroning both Celestia and Luna?”

   “I don’t care about that,” smiled the gray pegasus, sitting. “I want to work here!”

   “Why?”

   “Because you’re my friend. Also...” Derpy looked down. “I need a job...”

   “I thought you worked as a mailmare.”

   “I got fired yesterday. They say I’ve caused enough accidents.”

   Atrox stood up, without saying anything, and walked towards the door. When he was about to abandon the room, Derpy asked:

   “You’re not going to destroy Ponyville’s Post Office, are you?”

   Atrox stopped, turned back and returned to his chair.

   “No,” he said, sitting. “No, I’m not,” he took the pencil. “Well, since you want to join, I’ll not be the one to stop you. Say, what are your special abilities?”

   “I can fly,” Derpy flapped her wings. “Also, objects mysteriously break when I touch them.”

   “Always?”

   “No, sometimes they break when I’m just near them.”

   And then, the chair of Atrox broke.

   “Are you ok?” asked Derpy. “Uh... are you mad at me?”

   “I’m fine,” the Dark Conqueror stood up. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you. Actually, I think this power of yours will be useful for my cause!”

   “Really?” the eyes of the pegasus sparkled.

   “Of course! Our enemies won’t stand a chance once their weapons and buildings become scraps and dust before your presence! Derpy Hooves, welcome to my new army!”

   Then, the table broke.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name: Derpy Hooves

Gender: Female

Species: Pegasus

Skills: Flight. Objects seem to mysteriously break when she’s near them.

Status: Recruited!

To be continued... maybe.

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