Her Tavi, No Longer

by Brony19

Chapter 2: ... I'm Gone Forever

Previous Chapter
... I'm Gone Forever


"Yes Vinyl?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Octavia Philharmonica missed those words. The three little words that meant so much to her, to anypony lucky enough to hear them from the pony of their dreams. Octavia knew she was blessed when she was with Vinyl, she knew it from the day they meet. When she was with Vinyl, she was always happy, always felt loved, even before the day she first caught her listening to her practice. When she kissed her that day, and Vinyl kissed back, she knew her life changed.

She just wished it had been for the better.

At first, things were great, everything was fantastic even. They always had time, they had dinner together every night, and they saw each other daily, it was like a teenage dream come true. They had that special somepony to always look forward too. But it started to die. As soon as Vinyl had made it to the top, time started to decline for the two. It wasn't a lot at first, just getting home a few minutes later than promised. And besides, Vinyl always made up for it, one way or another. Eventually, the times got longer and longer, the make-ups few and far in between. While it started to drain on her after the first month, she powered through it, because Vinyl loved her, and she loved Vinyl.

The sun was climbing over the horizon now. Octavia was mildly surprised; she did it again. She stayed up all night, thinking about the way things had been and how she wished it had turned out. She hadn't shed any tears last night, a welcome change. Her quartet was always concerned when she came to practice with red, baggy eyes from a night spent lost in the memories of what was, without a doubt, the greatest mare she would ever know. She continued to sit on the foot of her bed and simply stare out the apartment's window. She wasn't looking at anything special, just staring out into space, the window providing what felt like an appropriate place to look while doing so.

"Octavia! Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Just... a long night."

"Are you sure that you're okay? Your eyes are really red."

"*Sigh* I'm fine. I was just thinking about somepony special that I used to know. I'm ready for practice, I promise."

"Well... if you insist Octavia."

Her quartet. She loved them like family and she knew they loved her as well. They were always concerned when she came to practice like that. She never told them who it was she thought about, just that they were special to her once upon a time. Once upon a time... heh, what a cliché. Life never worked like it did in the story books, at least, not for Octavia. She didn't get her happy ever after. Even if she was swept off her hoofs by the mare of her dreams, it turned out to be a sad chapter in her life. That's what she thought of those two years now, that it was just part of her life, that it hadn't ended yet. Maybe happy ever after could happen to her. It just wouldn’t be with the mare that mattered most.


"Why? Why did it end like it did?" Octavia whispered to herself. She had come to the conclusion, long ago, that it wasn't her. She tried as hard as she could to keep it going, to give life to the fading spark of their love. In all truthfulness, that spark still lived, barely, inside her. She hated what Vinyl did. She hated it with every passing day. But never, in all of time, would she ever hate Vinyl. She loved her too much to ever do that. Even after how bad things became, she knew, deep down, she still loved Vinyl. How couldn't she?

The two mares pulled back from their first kiss, eyes still closed. Slowly, Octavia opened hers to stare into Vinyl's deep crimson eyes. Her face happened to be the same color.

"I've wanted to do that for so long..."

"I've wanted to do that for a while, too."


"Yes Vinyl?"

"I... I love you."

"... I love you too."

A sad smile spread over her lips. "I love you too, Vinyl." She said. She didn't know why, it just felt like it needed saying. It had been a while since she said those words. Too long, in her mind. She had thought about going back to Vinyl a few times before. And every time she did, her heart reminded her of what she did. Octavia knew Vinyl never meant to hurt her, but it didn't keep her from being hurt. The cuts that weren’t meant to harm cut the deepest on a heart. Shattered might be a better term.

Octavia also knew that Vinyl left her broken, unable to love another but hurt too much to love the one she already, and still, did. She tried to find somepony else to fill the void Vinyl kept with her when Octavia left. Every time, it never got past the first date. The spark that burned for Vinyl never lit for anypony else. If anything, it only burned brighter for her. But she couldn't go back to her, she just couldn't. She couldn't risk Vinyl hurting her again. She was just a shell of who she had been, what would be left of her if Vinyl broke her again?

She shuddered slightly at the thought.

Sadly, a darker time of her and Vinyl’s friendship surfaced.

"Vinyl?? What the hay are you doing?!"

"N... nothin'. Jus' havin' a... party favor. It'sh reeeeally good."

"No, it's not good! For Luna's sake, you're abusing pills!"

"Calm down Octy. It'sh not like I'm... d-dead or anything."

Octavia was crying now. "Not yet! Why? Why would you do this?"

Vinyl stared blankly at her. After a few moments, she began to cry as well. "I-I'm so-sorry Tavi."

Octavia quickly grabbed her friend into a tight embrace. Vinyl cried into her shoulder. "I hurt, Tavi."


"Be-because I l-love you."

Octavia never knew what she said until she kissed her. "Because I love you..." Echoed in her mind. She never knew why that caused Vinyl to abuse pills like she did, but she helped her though it, every step of the way. The next day, Octavia put Vinyl in rehab. Three weeks later, Vinyl was one hundred percent sober. She never touched pills again after that experience. Maybe it was because the doctor said she was only a pill or two from overdosing when she was brought in, maybe because she never wanted to hurt Octavia like that again. Either way, she was clean, and Octavia had never been more proud of her. A month later, they kiss for the first time.

Maybe that was why she fell for Vinyl like she did. Maybe it was because she didn't want to see her friend like that again, to see her friend in such pain. She'll admit, she sometimes found her eyes wandering over Vinyl more than they should have and that most likely caused her to kiss her that day. But somewhere along the way, she loved Vinyl for a different reason. She never could put her hoof on it. Maybe she loved her for her? Maybe she made her feel like nopony else could? Maybe she was the best pony she had ever bed? Maybe all three. Well, most likely the first two, but the third certainly helped.

She thought about their first time together. Goddesses, was it awkward. She gave a half-hearted chuckle. To think you could know a mare for your whole life, and a simple thing like sex was so embarrassing. It was clumsy, and it was new for Octavia because she had never been with another mare like that. Vinyl had, she had been a fillyfooler as long as she had known her. Octavia never thought any less of her when she openly admit it to her. Granted, she did feel a little uncomfterble when Vinyl would bring her marefriend home, but it was more than that. At first she didn't notice it, but she felt jealous when she saw Vinyl with another mare. Until the day she kissed her, she never understood why.

"Hello Vinyl. Who is this?"

"Hey Octy, this is Aloe."


"Hello. You must be..."

"My marefriend."

"Ah, I'm happy for you two."

But she wasn't. No, she was very jealous of Aloe, but she never showed it.

... Had Vinyl moved on?

She didn't know where that thought came from, but it scared her. She hadn't talked to Vinyl in three years, mostly because she was afraid that if she did, they would get back together and she would get hurt again. But now, she thought about talking with her again. While the thought of Vinyl hurting her scared her, the thought of Vinyl moving on scared her even more. If she did, or had, then that would be it. It would be over, gone forever. All she would have left are the memories, and they weren't enough. She reached for the phone but stopped just shy of it. No... this should be done in person. She thought as she pulled her hoof back.


There it was. The door to her old apartment. Such a simple thing, an oak door with the number 102 in gold lettering. It was just a door, nothing more, nothing less.

Then why was Octavia so afraid of it?

She was standing in front of it in the hallway, staring at it as though it would jump at her and kill her. To anypony else, it was just a door. To Octavia, it was a portal to a world long lost, it was a fork in the road of her life. Down one road: a life with Vinyl in it, even if she was with somepony else. Down the other: a life left untouched by Vinyl forever, until the day Octavia died. Both choices seemed just as intimidating. She stood there for what felt like hours, debating which option was the right one. Eventually she came to a simpler choice.

Live a life with Vinyl in it or without her.

That choice kept her in a deadlock between the two. Both were nice and both scared her beyond belief. She thought about their relationship, from beginning to end. The day they first met, the day they knew they became friends, their first day of high school, first day of collage, when they moved in together to the very apartment she was standing outside of. Their first kiss, their first time, their break up. After going through so much, could she bare to live the rest of her life without her?

Octavia raised her hoof.

Are you sure?

She knocked.

Yes. Even if we can't be together, I still need her.

Vinyl opened the door.

"... Tavi?"

She smiled. "Hello Vinyl."

They moved forward at the same time and hugged, for the first time in three years.

"I love you so much Tavi! I'm so sorry!" Vinyl cried into her shoulder.

"I know you are. I love you too."

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