Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eight:  An Unearthly Foal

Spoilers Up To Chapter 15

Question 1:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

When it was just Lero and you who would have been your first choice in joining your herd?

RARITY

Well, let me first begin by saying that I’m VERY HAPPY with my herd’s current membership, and I wouldn’t exchange any one of them for ANYTHING!

Then she smiles.

RARITY

That said, I did have a few first choices in my original ‘dream herd.’  Quite a number, in fact!  First, Twilight Sparkle was ALWAYS on my original list, for being so incredibly smart, sexy, and sweet!  I’m so happy to have her in real life!  Then there was Colgate, because she’s just a nice pony... but she ended up marrying that doctor.  Also, Octavia, for being classy... and Vinyl Scratch, since she’s just plain fun!  And...

She thinks, conflicted if she should reveal an extra fact.  

RARITY

...Way, way in the past, AFTER I developed romantic feeling for Lero, but BEFORE he revealed he wasn’t straight... I even toyed with the idea of including Big Macintosh into our herd.  You got to admit, Mac and Lero are so SWEET together!  Even to this day, as platonic friends!  Not to mention I certainly wouldn’t have minded Mac’s... uh... that is... moving on!  

Question 2:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero:  

Do you sometimes get asked what human females are like?

Lero is sketching in a sketchpad.  

LERO

ALL the time!  But at least SOME ponies actually ask!  Want to know something gross-yet-funny?  A number of pony artists initially took it upon themselves to try and second-guess what women looked like, without consulting me.  And I’ve seen the artwork they produce.  

He strokes his beard conscientiously.

LERO

They ALL have my beard.  All of them.  I’ve even seen drawings of what’s supposed to be young girls and young boys, and THEY ALL HAVE MY BEARD.  The clothed women look like me in drag.  The nude ones look like me with... with a...

He lets out a heavy sigh.

LERO

With a vagina.  But no breasts.  UNLESS I happen to be a mother breast-feeding my bearded young.

He laughs uncomfortably.    

LERO

Here’s a quick fun fact for you!  For practically every other mammal without an udder throughout ALL the rest of the animal kingdom, female mammaries are completely flat... UNLESS they’re lactating.  Only human beings have breasts that STAY... round and extended, whether or not they contain milk.  This fact BOGGLES the pony mind.

He shows us what he’s been drawing.  It’s a decent cartoon-style drawing, showing a human girl in the stages of her life: infancy, a young girl, a teenage girl, a young lady, a middle-aged lady, and an old lady.  He’s titled it: ‘WOMAN.’  

LERO

When I first told ponies how women’s breasts stay engorged for life, many of them walked away thinking their breasts are CONSTANTLY creating milk the same way salivary glands are constantly creating spit.  

Lero grows even more markedly uncomfortable.  

LERO

To all the ladies who are reading my words: I apologize in advance for what I am about to reveal.  I’m just disclosing a popular pony misperception of human females which I’ve actively tried to fight!  Don’t shoot the messenger, okay? Please?

He pulls up a book, and shows it to the readers.  It is titled: The Spokeshuman by Dangling Participle.    

LERO

One of the effects of me setting roots in Equestria is that this... super-genre of literature came into existence.  ‘Speculative Human Fiction.‘  Covers everything from adventure to horror to erotica and slice-of-life.  Ever since I revealed the fact that women’s breasts never flatten again after puberty... they assume that you ladies are... are...

(sighs)

...are constantly in need of milking yourselves.  As regularly as with bathroom breaks, sometimes.   From teenage years, well into your dotage.  What you then do with your milk varies from book to book... I SWEAR I keep trying to say this ISN’T true at all!  Some listen, thank God, but it is a POPULAR misconception!    

He sighs.

LERO

I’m done talking about this.  Next question!  

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Owlowiscious:

What do you think of Lero?

OWLOWISCIOUS

Who?

Question 4:  Kitsuja Asks:

Dear Lero:  

Ever want to give Honeydew a nice Hawaiian punch?

LERO

Every time we ever talk with one another.  Although, actually getting into a brawl with her’s a bad idea.  First: because she CAN hit back.

Lero lifts his shirt, showing a pair of horseshoe-shaped bruises along his ribs which are bleeding.

LERO

Second: she’d LEAP at the chance to demonize me as some kind of mad dog gorilla, who’d lunge at you at the drop of a hat.  So I make a policy of NEVER letting Honeydew goad me into physical retaliation.  I refuse to be the aggressor.  Last but not least...

Rarity and Twilight are taking turns jamming Honeydew down their house’s chimney, using her large furry body as a broom to sweep out all the ash.  

LERO

There’s an undeniable entertainment value in watching the girls do the retaliating for me.

Question 5:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Honeydew:

Who else in town share your feelings about the alien?

Honeydew is in her shower.  Chimney ash rolls off her fur as she stands under the streaming shower head.  She peeks out to talk to the readers from behind the shower curtain.

HONEYDEW

While we are a minority, we are still many.  I’ll only name a few names, just so you don’t think I’m completely alone in my way of thinking.   There’s Filthy Rich, of Barnyard Bargain and all his herd.  Including that daughter of his, Diamond Tiara... her friend, Silver Spoon, plus all SILVER’S parents and siblings.  Not that I’m personal friends with rich folk like them, but still, they’re there.

She coughs up some phlegmy ash, then spits on the floor of her shower for the water to wash down the drain.

HONEYDEW

I’d name more names, but I know how all the monkey fetishes LOVE to target proper-minded ponies like myself.  Lecture us.  Shame us.  Persecute us.  Many of us have clammed up, because they simply cannot afford to voice their objections openly!  Not I, though!  I’M still brave!  I’M still outspoken!  I’M still a fighter!  

Choking up more ash, she ducks back completely behind her curtain, turning the shower stream to a hotter and stronger setting.  Steam churns up from inside the shower.

HONEYDEW

Damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human, damn that human...

Question 6:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Derpy Hooves:

Would you ever let Lero foalsit Dinky?

We are inside the foyer of Doctor Time Turner Hooves’ personal door.  By all outward appearances, it’s as normal a pony home as normal can be.  Lero Michaelides stands off to the side as Derpy is chatting with Dinky.

DERPY HOOVES

Now you be good and do everything Mr. Nickel-ladies tells you to!

DINKY DOO

I will, Momma!  I promise!

Mother and daughter rub noses together lovingly.  Derpy stops before Lero.  She opens her mouth, but no words come out.  Confusion forms on both her and Lero’s faces.

LERO

Was there something you wanted to say, Mrs. Hooves?  

DERPY HOOVES

Er... Yeah.  Doctor said I was supposed to absolutely forbid you from doing... something.  Hmmm... Can’t remember what though!

LERO

(shrugs, smiling)

How about I promise I’ll be an excellent babysitter and keep Dinky out of trouble, and we’ll call it even?

DERPY HOOVES

Okie-doke!  Well, off I go to the strabismus convention!

DINKY DOO

By, Mom!  Say hi to Mama Colgate and Dad for me!

DERPY HOOVES

Will do!  

She trots to the door, smacks into it, opens it, and steps out.

Lero hunkers down next to young Dinky.  She wears a necklace that has a small key on it.

LERO

Hey, Dinky!  Is there something fun you’d like to do?  Read a book?  Draw a picture?  Play a board game?

DINKY DOO

I would like to read a certain book!

LERO

(smiling)

You’re just like my girl Twilight!  

DINKY DOO

But it’s in our special library, and it’s on a REAL high shelf and...

She strains to activate her magic.  All that comes out of her horn is a single spark.  She looks at him shyly, hoping he’ll understand.  

LERO

Say no more.  Lead the way!

DINKY DOO

Great!

Dinky leads the way down into the basement.  In the far corner,  sits the blue police box that is the TARDIS.  Lero stops short in front of it.

LERO

The... that’s the TARDIS!

DINKY DOO

Yep!  

As Dinky rises on her hind legs to unlock the TARDIS door, Lero has a laugh.  

LERO

God, The TARDIS... this takes me back!  Used to watch that show religiously back on Earth!  What an incredible replica... did your Dad make it?  Is he the Whovian of your house?

Dinky, having unlocked the door, looks over her shoulder.  

DINKY DOO

What’s a Whovian?

She steps inside.  Suddenly, Lero has a thought.

LERO

Wait a moment... how would the Doctor Who show even get broadcast to Equestria... when there aren’t any TVs?!

Dinky Doo sticks her head out a second time.

DINKY DOO

Mr. Lero!  Aren’t you coming?

LERO

Uh... sure!

Lero runs inside.  He’s confronted with nothing less than THE TARDIS’ iconic control room.  He gapes at the control console, with its array of panels,  switches, and levers, with the big crystalline column in the center.  He nearly touches it, then stops himself.

The human’s jaw drops.  He exits the TARDIS, looking at it from walking an incredulous circle around its smaller police box exterior.  Then he reenters its larger interior.

LERO

Bigger on the inside...

(amazed epiphany)

Doctor WHO-oves.  He... he’s real!  The Doctor’s... real?  He’s really real and he’s a... PONY?!

DINKY DOO

Mr. Lero!  Come on!  Don’t be a slowpoke!  

The thunderstruck human follows after Dinky Doo into what almost looks to be a hotel’s corridor, with many doors running along either side.  

Dinky trots to the nearest door and opens it.  It’s a vast wardrobe with countless outfits that’d help a time traveller blend in at any given point in history and the future.  

Lero is astounded, but Dinky lets out a groan.

DINKY DOO

Ugh!  Did Dad rearrange all the TARDIS’ rooms again?!  

She tries another door: it’s a jungle-like animal preserve filled with endangered animals from other galaxies.  

Another door:  A room whose walls are lined with photographs of the Doctor’s previous traveling companions.  There’s a bookshelf filled entirely with scrapbooks.

Another door:  A room laid out like a professional coffeehouse, with display cases filled with cookies, cupcakes... cappuccino and espresso makers... except no cash register.  Everything here’s free for the making and free for the taking.

DINKY DOO

Bleh!  Coffee!

Another door:  A gorgeous swimming pool.

Another door:  A squash court.

Finally, Dinky finds the door she’s looking for: a seven-floored library fit for a royal palace!  

LERO

Twilight... would... FLIP.

Dinky trots over to what looks to be the children’s section, and stares up at one of the bookshelves.

DINKY DOO

It’s up there, Mr. Lero!  Every Gallifreyan’s Child Pop-Up Book Of Nasty Creatures From Other Dimensions!  Could you reach it for me, please?

Lero does so, standing on tiptoes to reach the top shelf.  Another book catches his eye, and he pulls it out with his other hand.

While handing the pop-up book to Dinky, Lero examines the book  he was compelled to pull off.

LERO

"Harry Potter And The Half-Moon Dentist...?  Book 8 of 11?!”  Eleven?!  No way... no WAY...!  

He turns to Dinky Doo, smiling as happily as a child.

LERO

Dinky?  Can I borrow this?  Pretty please with sugar on top?  I’ll read your pop-up book for you!

DINKY DOO

Sure!  I don’t mind you borrowing that book there, but mine reads itself!

LERO

I’ll bet it does!

The scene changes to a gathering of ponies just as walleyed as Dinky is.  Colgate and Derpy Hooves and The Doctor are chatting with this one stallion... when all of a sudden...

DERPY HOOVES

Oh, that’s right!  I forgot to tell the foalsitter not to go into the basement, even if Dinky asks him!  

THE DOCTOR

You... WHAT?!

Back at the Doctor’s home, Dinky and Lero are on a couch, equally delighted as she flips a page.  

POP UP BOOK

The Kith are spongelike, and not at all pleasant!

When they sleep in the dark, they are phosphorescent!

Question 7:  Zer0Prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

What do you think of Lero? His herd?

and also:

Dear Doctor:

Have you noticed anything odd around Ponyville lately? I know that 5 individuals suddenly acting strange isn't the worst thing to happen considering what you have seen and what usually happens around there but still, have you given it a thought at all?

It’s late at night.  The Doctor and Lero are out on the Doctor’s backyard lawn, amidst many empty beer bottle and several unopened ones, laughing like the drunks they are.

THE DOCTOR

Ha ha ha ha!   Okay, okay!  So then... what’s my theme song?  Sing  me my theme song!  

LERO

Okay!

Lero puckers his lips together and whistles the Doctor Who theme song.  The Doctor listens intently.

THE DOCTOR

Lovely little tune, I must say... but where’s the SONG?  The lyrics?

LERO

There... there really ain’t any, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR

(singing)

He’s the Doctor, he’s in your face!

Going everywhere in time and space!

(not singing)

Nothing like that?

LERO

Sorry.  Just the tune.

THE DOCTOR

You say this TV show... which follows MY LIFE... has been going on since bloody 1963... and they never came up with LYRICS?

LERO

Well, there was this ONE thing with John Pertwee... he played the third regeneration of you...

Drunk and distracted with thoughts about the Doctor Who show, Lero doesn’t see The Doctor drop a tiny pill into his beer, which dissolves on contact with the liquid.

LERO

...something about a Sword of Truth at one point, but really it wasn’t even so much a SONG, as a poem set to music.  Not sung, you dig me?  

Lero raises his beer to his lips.

LERO

It’s your tenth self I like the best.

He almost drinks it, but then brings it down again.

LERO

Oh!  And your current self’s good too, don’t get me wrong.

The Doctor smiles and nods indifferently.  

LERO

What are you thinking, Doctor?  Y’know, about all I told you?  

THE DOCTOR

(glumly)

A universe exists which chronicles all my adventures, and it’s one of the longest-running franchises ever on Planet Earth.  I don’t really WANT to believe it, but your story’s too detailed and I’ve seen enough impossibilities already in my life.

Lero looks at him with understanding.

LERO

You don’t want the celebrity.  Of course you don’t.  A guy doesn’t go through life insisting on being called ‘The Doctor’ because he wants to be famous.  

THE DOCTOR

Right.  I don’t want fame.  Or fortune.  I’ve always just wanted to go in, see the sights, help whoever needed helping, and then move on to wherever-next, without any fuss.  I like MEETING celebrities, but I hate BEING one... except when it comes to scaring off Daleks and the like.  

The Doctor opens another bottle of beer with his sonic screwdriver.

THE DOCTOR

If I could go to your old world in 1963, and prevent this Doctor Who show from ever airing... I would.

LERO

Like that time you erased every mention of yourself on the Internet, with that virus-thingy?  

THE DOCTOR

(after a beat)

Your beer’s starting to look a bit flat, Lero. Why don’t you finish it off?  

Lero raises the bottle to his lips and ALMOST drinks it, but then...

LERO

I’m a liability to you, aren’t I?

THE DOCTOR

(polite smile)

No, of course not!

LERO

I am, though.  I could spread the word around that your a Time Lord, even if no one believed me.  A Dalek could come probe my brain, and find out you’re here.  

Lero turns sad, drunken eyes on The Doctor.

LERO

I kinda know what it’s like for you, Doctor.  Laugh if you want, but I do.   Personal experience.  There’s a... there’s a race of evil aliens who’d like nothing more than to... recapture me, if they ever found out where I am.  Or kill me, whichever.  To this day, I’m still afraid of them.  Especially what they might do to my family.  You’re in the same boat, only you’ve got it a billion times worse, because you’ve made enemies out of all SORTS of alien races!  

The human looks down.  The Doctor’s expression turns sympathetic.  

LERO

(sadly)

You even got a daughter.  Last thing in the world I want to do is to be a danger to Dinky.  She told me she’ll be turning five years old in just a month!

THE DOCTOR

(nods)

She was only born just last year.

LERO

Was she?

THE DOCTOR

Yeah.  But it... none of this is YOUR fault, Lero!  You were just trying to help my little lady grab a book!

LERO

...And I wouldn’t want her to be dissected in a lab or anything for being a... a half-Time Lord or whatever.  

THE DOCTOR

Time Lady.  My little Time Lady.  

LERO

So you’re secret’s safe with me, Doctor.  After all I’d sure hate to drive such a cool hero as you away from Equestria.  It needs every stallion it can GET.

The Doctor laughs.  

THE DOCTOR

You know, Lero, that’s another weird thing we have in common.  We’re both aliens and yet... we’ve become stallions for the girls we love!

LERO

They succeeded a lot better with you than me!

They both laugh.  Lero raises his bottle as if in toast.

LERO

Here’s to the few!  The proud!  The guys!  

The Doctor suddenly sweeps hoof out and slaps the beer bottle away from Lero.  It spins as it flies out of his hands, all its beer spreads all over the grass.  Lero stares at the Doctor, flabbergasted.

THE DOCTOR

Sorry, Lero.  I spiked your drink.  You’d mentioned that time I purged all data of myself off the Internet?  If you’d drank that beer, that’s what would’ve happened to you.

Lero rubs his sore hand as The Doctor pops open a new beer for Lero.

LERO

What changed your mind?

THE DOCTOR

It struck me that you’re a very companionable sort of guy.  And good, discreet, babysitters who know what a TARDIS is are hard to come by.  And...

The Doctor looks down.

THE DOCTOR

Actually, I have a confession.  I also know far more about you than I should.

LERO

Like what?

THE DOCTOR

I know about the ‘alien race’ that abducted you from Earth, for starters.

LERO

(hurriedly)

Please, let’s not discuss them.  Ever.

THE DOCTOR

And the fact that one of your mares left your herd against her will, but she left her cutie mark behind on another mare.

Lero CHOKES on his beer.

THE DOCTOR

There are devices aboard the TARDIS to fix memory tampering.  And after all I’ve been through before coming to Equestria, I’m keenly attuned to when foreign presences touch my mind.  

The Doctor snorts.

THE DOCTOR

So after restoring my real memories, I was about to go do the same for the rest of Equestria, when Discord, himself, appeared before me and explained the situation.  We reached a compromise: he’d let me keep my real memories and add me to his exemption list, as long as I played along and did nothing to interfere.

LERO

(awed whisper)

Incredible.  

(normal voice)

Doctor, what should I do?  Is there any way for me to... to... reverse the polarity and bring our friends back to their old selves?!

THE DOCTOR

(sighs)

I’m sorry, Lero, but telling you would be interfering.

LERO

But... but, I’m BEGGING you, Doctor, I...!

THE DOCTOR

Please understand. When you’re as seasoned a time traveler as Yours Truly... there’s something you come to learn.  You don’t invent the light bulb FOR Thomas Edison.  You don’t paint the Sistine Chapel FOR Michelangelo.  You don’t discover vaccination FOR Louis Pasteur.  And you don’t write the Harry Potter series FOR J.K. Rowling.  You don’t do these things any more than you go to your own kids’ grade school and take their final exams for them.  

He puts a hoof on Lero’s shoulder, sympathetically.

THE DOCTOR

And for the same reasons, I cannot fix the unfinished spell FOR Twilight Sparkle.  In the end, this has to be HER victory... or her defeat.  

LERO

But... but she’s really struggling...

THE DOCTOR

(sighing again)

Lero... why don’t you come over to my place for dinner next Wednesday?  Your whole herd too, bring them along!  Colgate makes a fantastic set of hay fries, and Derpy is a wizard with muffins.  I don’t know your herd all that much on a personal level, but I know them well enough by reputation.  It’d be great if we could all become friends!

LERO

...On two conditions.  

THE DOCTOR

What?

LERO

First... we’re having Guy’s Night Out next Thursday, starting at 6 o’clock.  Me, Spike, Big Mac, and a few others, all going to hang out and have fun at the bowling alley.  No girls, just guys.  We’d like to have you along.

THE DOCTOR

(perking up)

Bowling alley, you say?  Done and done!  

LERO

Second... as an American, I’ve been dying to know: what IS a jelly baby?!  Is it some kind of jelly tart?  Or is it a gummy bear shaped like a human infant or something?  

Question 8:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

How have you enjoyed Ponyville?   Is it like a vacation at all?

THE DOCTOR

I enjoy it very much so!   Oh, it isn’t like Equestria is without its share of world-threatening calamities... but it’s a LOT rarer than on Earth, and ponies are a LOT less inclined to whip out guns.  Disagreeable things, guns.  Plus: friendly folk with a lot of fascinating culture differences worth taking some extra time to explore?  Yes, please!  

Question 9:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Doctor,

Seriously, how the crap did you spend this long among Equestrians without learning about the whole polygamy/herd dynamic thing? Was existence really in peril that often?

THE DOCTOR

Imagine living more than ten different regenerations as a biped.  Over 900 years!  Now I ask you: which commands more of your attention?  The familial dynamics of the locals?  Or learning how to not trip over your new four-legged, no-handed body?  Mastering the fine and subtle art of grabbing and manipulating objects with your mouth without drooling over everything?  

Question 10:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:  

Are you still running around trying to save the world every other day?

The Doctor walks downstairs into his dark basement; A lit lantern’s in his mouth.  He shines it on the far corner of the basement; there sits the TARDIS.  He gives it a soft smile before setting his lantern on a box and turning towards the readers.

THE DOCTOR

I am impossibly older than I look.  I’m not going out on excursions quite as much as I used to.  I’d like to use this regeneration as a chance to try some things I haven’t tried since, well, since before the first time I ever regenerated.  Fatherhood.  Husband...hood.  

He gives a sheepish laugh, looking at a picture of himself and his wives with Dinky Doo, back when she was a newborn.

THE DOCTOR

You know, before I grow too old to even do THAT.  

He smiles around at the objects populating the basement.  Hearth’s Warming Eve Decorations.  Wedding gowns and a tuxedo zipped up in plastic.  A giant teddy bear.

THE DOCTOR

You need to reach a certain level of maturity to understand how being a father and a husband is a mind-expanding adventure in and of itself.  Took me over 900 years, but I’m finally there, I think.  The fact that I’ve married into a polygamous society gives the whole thing a... new dimension.  Not to mention the ungulate form makes for an intriguing adjustment.  

But he goes over to the TARDIS, stroking its door lovingly.

THE DOCTOR

And yet... every so often, the old itchings, the old stirrings always reawaken inside me.  Cries for help from the imperiled and the downtrodden from all points of existence... cleverly disguised as a yearning for adventure in my mind.  My wives are always delighted when this happens, when my wanderlust reaches a fever pitch.  We all get to hop into the TARDIS and have fun, right wrongs, and save innocents... worlds... reality... EXISTENCE together!

He turns towards the readers.

THE DOCTOR

Far as I’m concerned, this is my best regeneration YET.