Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Ten:  Consult Your Doctor

Spoilers Up To Chapter 16

Question 1:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Derpy Hooves:

How would you like the Doctor with wings?

DERPY HOOVES

Oh, I would like that!  We could preen each other, fly in the same flock... I could teach him HOW to fly!  It’d be great!

Question 2:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Derpy Hooves:

Has he ever made it happen?

DERPY HOOVES

Wings?  No.

Leaving a trail of smoke in his wake, the Doctor flies by, scooping Derpy off the ground, into his arms.  She squeals in delight.  

DERPY HOOVES

Jetpack?  Yes!

Question 3:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Dinky,

Please put this aside and read it when you're about six hundred years old, okay?  So, did the Doctor ever figure out how to take the parking brake off?

Dinky Doo at 600-years old, looks just as good as a 30-year old.  She stands at the TARDIS’ control console, opens Spinel’s message, finally reads it, and turns to the readers.

600-YEAR-OLD DINKY DOO

No.  Never.  It fell to me to take the parking brake off.  But by that time, we’d all grown so enamored of the sound, that I ended up using a recording of the sound as a sort of... ringtone -- for lack of a better word -- for whenever we land or exit somewhere.  Listen!

A delightfully familiar grinding noise sounds.  Dinky nuzzles against the control console.

600-YEAR-OLD DINKY DOO

Beautiful as ever, old girl.  

Question 4:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Doctor:

Did you encounter Discord the first time he was freed? Become a Discorded coward with wings or anything?

600-YEAR OLD DINKY

(sadly)

Yes, Discord DID encounter my father at that point in time. And changed him.

The grey, discorded Doctor stands before a cringing mass of other discorded ponies., with an evil smile.  Dinky watches him from afar, sadly.

DISCORDED DOCTOR

I have wasted all my years trying to babysit you thick-headed cretins: all people at all points in time on all planets and even in all alternative universes!  Saving you all from every threat: from Daleks to Weeping Angels to your own ignorant selves!  How many times have I DIED for your sakes?!  Well, no longer!  Now I am in command!  Now I am in charge!  You live or die at my whim, because that is my right as an impossibly smarter being than all of you put together!

Then he shines his hypnotic eyes upon the crowd.

DISCORDED DOCTOR

I am the Doctor, and you will OBEY!

Question 5:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Doctor:

Nice that you didn't reset Lero. Having a friend around is always a joy. Even if he has freaky knowledge of you.

Oh, what makes you think that Lero's earth is the only one with your show?

The Doctor opens his mouth wide, and it hangs open without words coming out.

THE DOCTOR

More than one universe where I’m a TV show...?

He sits, brooding upon this thought.

THE DOCTOR

It’s... it’s a valid point you raise.  So many alternate universes out there, throughout existence.  Gotta be a couple jillion where I got... Whovers... Whovinatics?  Whooters?  whatever they TV fans call themselves.  Be a bit tiresome, even for me, to prevent ALL those shows from ever airing...

(snort of laughter)

Well, as long as everyone’s tuning into me, anyway... hit it, Colgate!

Colgate starts playing her piano as The Doctor starts doing a Vaudeville dance, right in the middle of his living room.

THE DOCTOR

Reuben, Reuben, I've been thinking

Said his wifey dear

Now that things are peaceful and calm

The boys will soon be back on the farm

Mister Reuben started winking and slowly rubbed his chin

He pulled his chair up close to mother

And he asked her with a grin:

How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm

After they've seen Paree'

How ya gonna keep 'em away from Broadway

Jazzin around and paintin' the town

How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm, that's a mystery

They'll never want to see a rake or plow

And who the heck can parleyvous a cow?

How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm

After they've seen Paree'!

Colgate ends the song there.

THE DOCTOR

But, yeah, you raise a great point.  A friend is always a joy... however long you can keep him around for.  Unbelievably and against all odds, Lero manages to be neat BECAUSE he has freaky knowledge of me.  I can tell him things I can’t tell other people, and he’ll believe me and keep his mouth shut about it to everyone else.  

Question 6:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

Well you were able to change Lero. Take from a human, going from girls to mares is a big change. So if you can get Lero and Mac closer...

Rarity contemplates this, as she stands out on the street.

RARITY

You know... I could!  If I really put my mind to it... a little coaxing here, a little cleverness there... I probably COULD arrange for Lero and Mac’s friendship to evolve beyond the platonic!  As you say, I’ve already broadened so many of his romantic horizons!  Why, it would almost be foal’s play for a master matchmaker like me!

She laughs a bit.

RARITY

But I’ll tell you the reason why I won’t, though.  First... there IS such a thing as asking too much.  Consider this:  Lero has gone from a monogamous world where all other creatures except humans are beasts -- especially quadrupeds! -- to embracing three girls of another species.  Give him credit: that would be a pretty BIG adjustments to make, wouldn’t you say?   I’m afraid if I tried to unbend him, STRAIGHTEN him on top of all his OTHER changes... it’d almost feel like I’m trying to... correct him.  Correct what Lero is.

She scuffs a hoof on the cobblestone.

RARITY

Second reason... well, at times like this, I try to imagine myself in Lero’s two shoes.  Put myself in a masculine, HUMAN frame of mind, weird as that sounds.  

(sighs)

Lero’s no dummy.  He’d be aware that I wasn’t trying to bring Mac into our herd just for HIS sake.  He’d know I’d want him for myself as well.  But I’m scared of how that might hurt Lero’s feelings... make him feel that, as much as I love him, he could never quite measure up to a true pony stallion...

Rarity watches a pony mother pass by her with her newborn foal.

RARITY

Especially what a true stallion could give me.  Third, well...

She casts a sudden look down to her cutie mark, unaware that she’s even actually doing it.

RARITY

...I have this gut feeling that if it was me, if I had been the bent herdmate, Lero wouldn’t have tried to cajole me into making love to other mares, or thought less of me if I refused to.  He’d have accepted me for what I am and made it work.  So I feel it’s only right not to push such a thing on him.  However... if Lero were to ever develop an interest in going straight entirely on his own... I’d be first in line to help him.

Then she smiles.

RARITY

Though there IS something very flattering about a boy not wanting to share you with other boys!  

Question 7:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Big Macintosh:

So how close to Lero are you?

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah reckon yer asking me this both in terms of bein’ friends and... possible herdmates.

(lets out a breath)

Ah thank of him as a best friend.  When yer a stallion or even just a colt, it can be a bit overwhelmin’ bein’ round so many gals, even when they’re nice to ya...

Then he mutters to himself under his breath, something we’re actually not supposed to hear.

BIG MACINTOSH

(almost inaudible muttering)

...Always measuring yew up fer how yew’d be as a coltfriend... always peekin’ ta see what size ya are between yer legs... all their catty li’l comments... and it don’t feel no better when it’s another STALLION doin’ it to ya, either...

Mac returns his attention to the readers.

BIG MACINTOSH

Someday, Ah WILL get hitched with a few gals... but in the meanwhile, ya appreciate every guy friend yew can make.  Lero’s no different.  Ah suppose since he can’t make any human friends here, at least he can make guy-friends.  He talks.  Ah listen.  He don’t mind that Ah don’t talk much mahself.  We drink together.  He helps with the farmin’ sometimes, and Ah help him when he needs helpin'.  REALLY ‘ppreciate what he did ta help fix Pinkie’s head.

He bites his lip.

BIG MACINTOSH

Now... as fer Lero maybe bein’ a herdmate a’ mine.  Here’s the thang... every so often, Ah’ll get an itch... just a regular ol’ itch on mah barrel while we’re out on the farm, and Lero will scratch it with them hands a’ his... but I ain’t never felt no magic tingle touch mah soul from it.  

(stares pointedly at the audience)

Summa yew might tell me Ah ‘just need ta come ta know him a bit better.’ Even if Ah did, well... there’re those mares a’ his.  Don’t get me wrong: those three are summa the nicest gals yer ever gunna meet.  But... but all that MAGIC!  Ya hear horror stories in the papers sumtimes 'bout super-strong unicorns who turn on their families... and any one o’ them could end me with a THOUGHT!  Lero’s gotta like livin’ on the edge, cuz Ah don’t know where else he got the brass ta hook up with ALL THREE of ‘em!  So right now, at least, Ah’m happy having him as my best friend.  

Question 8:  Rikmach Asks:

Dear Doctor:  

How did you end up regeneration as a tiny horse, anyhow?

THE DOCTOR

Now, the full story of why I was holding a huge container of pony stem cells is a tale for another day.  But there I was on Planet Rhumbov, clutching a huge container of pony stem cells, trying to run away from this truly nasty, tyrannical piece of work named The Barrister.  But I wasn’t quick enough. Not only did The Barrister shoot me about seventy times with his laser rifle... the container broke and all those stem cells just sloshed right over me!  So there I was, a bloody, dying wreck in the middle of the desert, and the Barrister flew off, satisfied with his work.  And  as my humanoid body began to glow with the light of regeneration, all that pony DNA seeped right into my system as my body was remaking itself... and here’s the end result!  

Question 9:  Beyond The Horizon Asks:

Dear Lero:

A. . . hypothetical question. If one individiual was to send a care package from one side of the dimensional void to the other. . . Where would said individual recommend sending it to?

Best wishes and warm regards,

~The Emerald Wanderer, Current Student of the Second True Magic.

LERO

Well, sir, interdimensional packages of any sort are quite a rare occurrence here in Equestria.  Generally speaking, I think you’d want to mail your package first to either Princess Celestia or Twilight Sparkle to be... uh... ‘X-rayed’ I guess you could say, before they mail it off to its ACTUAL intended recipient.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Please don’t take this the wrong way, Mr. Wanderer, sir, but we’ve had some... bad experiences with interdimensional packages in the past.  Particularly since a number of them were sent by rather... fiendish individuals.  It’d be helpful if you could attach a list of what your package’s contents are on the outside of the box.    

Question 10:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Lero,

So, that's not one but two ageless beings telling you just how big this is going to be for Twilight. Your thoughts?

LERO

Actually, by my reckoning, I see it as THREE ageless beings.  No, FOUR!  Considering Celestia and Luna’s level of participation, I’d say both Princesses are in the same camp of thought as Discord and The Doctor!  

He shakes his head.  

LERO

My thoughts?  I have the strong sense that there’s a lot more to this situation than simply getting our five friends back to their old lives.  I’m aware I’m part of a CRITICAL turning point in history, and Twilight is at the nexus of it.  Whatever this is,  it’s every bit as... as WORLD-CHANGING as when the Founding Fathers sent the Declaration of Independence to King George, or when the Civil War broke out!  And I... I feel like I’m Mrs. George Washington... Mrs. Abraham Lincoln.  Just trying to be the most supportive spouse I can, while the path of our entire future hinges on how strong the one I love is!

Question 11: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Discord,

Privy as you are to human pop culture via Lero's memories (oh, don't pretend you didn't take a peek,) what would you say is your favorite bit thereof?

DISCORD

Oh, it changes from time to time... and believe me, I DON’T need to visit Lero’s memories to learn about Earth culture!  I’ve BEEN there!  OFTEN!  

He leans in closer.

DISCORD

MAYBE I’M EVEN SOMEONE YOU KNOW!

He backs away, suddenly dressed as the Nostalgia Critic.

DISCORD

Right now, my favorite bit of human pop culture is the That Guy With The Glasses website.  First, because you get all the pop culture you want... made fun of!  And a guy like me can’t help but admire a gang of nerds gathered together for the purposes of snarking and raging!  Especially since they’re so CLEVER about it, too!  

Question 12: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Dinky,

Does your dad ever tell you stories of his travels?

We’re with the Doctor and Dinky; Dinky is in her bed, with the covers pulled up as The Doctor sits on a chair, telling her stories about his past adventures.

THE DOCTOR

And so then I told Romana, ‘But you can’t wear that body!’  And Romana says, ‘I thought it looked nice on the Princess.’  And then I tell her she can’t go around wearing copies of bodies and she’d need to change it!  So Romana steps out of the room, and she comes back as this blue-skinned woman... but I encouraged her to try to look like other people, so she leaves and comes back as this brunette lady.  But I didn’t like it, so she left and came back as an eight-foot-tall woman, which was WAY too tall for any reasonable woman to be, of course, so she left the room again and...

DINKY DOO

Daddy?

THE DOCTOR

Yes, my dear?

DINKY DOO

You said Romana was a Time Lady, right?

THE DOCTOR

Yes, she was.

DERPY HOOVES

Was she drinking poison in that other room, over and over again, because you didn’t like the look of her regenerations?

An uncomfortable silence passes.  

THE DOCTOR

Ah.  Well, Dinky, this is not going to be an easy thing for me to explain, but...

Question 13: Rikmach Asks:

Dear Colgate and Derpy:  

I know mares tend to actively look for other mares that would be good matches for the herd and their stallion.  Have you any mares in mind?  I know you're friends with Golden Harvest and Berry Punch...  anything there?  Or someone else I've not thought of?

DERPY HOOVES

Golden Harvest!

COLGATE

Yes, definitely Golden Harvest.  I mean... Berry Punch?  I ask you: would YOU trust Berry to be a good herdmother to YOUR little daughter?  An incurable lush like that?

DERPY HOOVES

Berry IS kind of fun...

COLGATE

...As a drinking buddy, maybe.  But is Berry good for our HERD, though, Derpy?  No.  Golden Harvest would win hooves-down.  I mean... this is all hypothetical, anyway, it’s not like we’re all STARVED for another wife or anything, but if we were, Golden’s the girl I’d go for.  

DERPY HOOVES

Me too!

COLGATE

After all, she’s very sweet-natured!

DERPY HOOVES

Very good with jokes!

COLGATE

Not to mention she's responsible and good with foals!

DERPY HOOVES

The carrots she grows are always delicious!

COLGATE

She comes from a wonderful family, and I hear she enjoys traveling!  

DERPY HOOVES

Plus, I’ve always been the one she calls on for help when she needs a cooler-buddy!

(giggles)

I know we’re not supposed to get excited about it... coolers are something you’d do for any friend, but I’ve always loved how her moaning sounds whenever I use the cooler on her, and the SMELL of her honey pouring out is just as heavenly as yours, Colgate!  I mean, if she can get ME this excited, just using a cooler on her, think of how the Doctor will...!  

COLGATE

(cringing)

Too much information, Derpy!  Too much information!

Question 14: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Pinkie's Fourth-Wall Awareness,

So, where'd you end up?

PINKIE'S 4TH WALL AWARENESS

Well, my good Fanfic Reader Friend... The Swap’s taken a sledgehammer to all my limbs, bound me in titanium chains, shoved me in a bank vault, and dropped that bank vault down into the deepest trench in the deepest ocean and then sealed up the trench with cement.  Metaphorically speaking.  Literally speaking, the Swap wedged me on the boundary of that part of Pinkie’s brain where forgotten dreams are brought to be obliterated.

MIKE TEAVEE

In a way, it’s almost a mercy, really.  Right now, Pinkie would have enough problems learning she’s not really supposed to be an apple farmer.  Think what’d happen if she were to learn she were a fictional character, on top of that!

PINKIE'S 4TH WALL AWARENESS

Oh, buck off, author!  Go write a REAL story, why don't you?!  

MIKE TEAVEE

Fine!  Maybe I will!  

And Mike Teavee storms off in an angry huff.