Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eight:  It's In His Kiss

Spoilers Up To Chapter 15

Question 1:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Rarity:

Because of Lero's inability to make a pony pregnant have you ever received any requests for his help from frustrated mares?

RARITY

Ah, yes... THEM.  Yes, I remember all of THEM.

Rarity’s expression steadily grows darker.  

RARITY

The same mares who talked about him like he was some kind of barely-house-trained baboon when he first came to Ponyville... a baboon who’d gobble them up, if given the chance.  The same mares who used to cheat him in the marketplace because he didn’t know how to haggle!  

She goes over to Lero, who is napping on the couch: another long and busy day for him.  She levitates a blanket and pulls it over his body.

RARITY

Oh, my sweet, gentle, innocent prince!  Some days, I worry what would’ve become of you, what they would’ve DONE to you, if you hadn’t had anypony looking out for you!

She kisses his cheek, then turns back towards the readers.

RARITY

On one hoof... most of those mares are not ogres, themselves, at heart.  Lero’s been treated much better since everypony’s come to know him.  If one of these mares were to SERIOUSLY fall in love with Lero, if there was room in Lero’s heart for her, if the REST of us liked her, if she proved she was seriously ready for a long-term commitment... then I would be open-minded.

Then she swallows angrily.  

RARITY

But... when a mare comes up to me and asks me to use him for a single night’s pleasure... when she tries to buy me off with money, as though I were his PIMP... when it’s clear they only see my prince as a LIVING COOLER, good only because he can’t impregnate them...!

She takes on an UNNERVING smile.  

RARITY

Well, let’s just that that puts me in a STORMY frame of mind.

Question 2:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

Before you quit the spa to help your friends, what was your job like? Twilight made it sound like none of your herd came in for sessions with you but did your friends? Did you try to make small talk with your clients or was it usually all business?

LERO

Ah... the spa!  

He smiles fondly.

LERO

My job was a good job.   Client comes in, lays on the table, these fingers of mine work their magic.  For me, it’s almost kind of like petting a dog, really.  Except you REALLY work your fingers into the muscles beneath the fur... and you need to be more thorough... except you have be mindful of where NOT to touch on a four-legged body, especially when keeping all the different species in mind, and be able to do it for hours on end, client after client.  

Lero demonstrates kneading motions with his hands.

LERO

Mostly, I’d let THEM decide whether or not they wanted to make small talk.  Always let THEM initiate the conversation.  Some clients didn’t.  They just wanted to sit and have their muscles worked.  SOME clients get so cozy and relaxed, they fell right asleep as I work!  They even snored; can you believe it?   Other clients were more talkative; we just chatted each other’s ears off about what our lives were like.  I think my favorite chatterbox clients were Mayor Mare and Mrs. Cake.  

He stretches.  

LERO

Number One question everyone asks me:  “What’s it like being a human?”  And because Twilight’s transformed me into a pony a couple times... I’m able to compare and contrast the two very nicely.  

He looks over at a group picture of the Element Bearers up on the wall.

LERO

As far as my Element Bearer friends go... (and of course, this is their pre-Swap selves we’re discussing,)  Twilight didn’t really bother, because I could do everything I do at the spa at home.  Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were never the spa-going type.  Fluttershy and Rarity were the spa’s most frequent clients.  Pre-Swap Rarity just wasn’t real keen on being massaged by human hands. (Irony of ironies.)  She never tried me at all.  Fluttershy tried me once, and then stuck to Lotus’ hooves from then on.  

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Twilight:

How are the familiars/pets of the swapped doing? I assume they swapped pets as well as marks so how is Rarity doing with Tank? She hasn't bedazzled his shell yet has she?

LERO

Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like to field this question instead of Twilight.

He in inside Rainbow Dash’s cottage.  

LERO

As far as I can tell, yes: just as the Swapped Five swapped families, they also swapped each others’ pets, as well.  Pinkie Pie owns Winona the dog, Applejack owns Opalescence, Rarity owns Tank.  Rainbow Dash, as you already know, owns ALL of Fluttershy’s critters.

Lero brings his hand into sight: Gummy is latched onto Lero’s wrist, leech-like.  Patiently, he grabs onto Gummy’s midsection, and steadily, gently tugs him off, as though he’s done this hundreds of times before.  

LERO

There IS one notable exception to all this, though: Gummy the baby alligator.  He’s now in Dash’s care, instead of Fluttershy’s.  Wonder how THAT happened?

Discord suddenly appears behind Lero and snaps his fingers.  

As though a channel were being changed, we see a newly-swapped Fluttershy standing just outside Sugar Cube Corner, just staring outward with a vacant, zombie stare.  

A slow-flying Rainbow Dash lands in front of Fluttershy, sporting the same soulless stare.

Wordlessly, Fluttershy hands Gummy over to Rainbow Dash.  Wordlessly, Dash accepts Gummy.  It’s as though they’ve prearranged this drop-off for months in advance.

As Dash flies off towards her new cottage, Fluttershy reenters Sugar Cube Corner.

The ‘channel’ changes back to Lero.

LERO

Dash, of course,  insists Gummy’s ‘always’ been hers, and Fluttershy doesn’t remember ever owning any pets.  The way I see it, this was a fiendishly clever move on the Swap’s part.  If the former animal caretaker had herself an animal to take care of... who knows HOW many of her OLD memories Gummy might jog?

He finally pulls the little gator off.

LERO

I’ve toyed with the idea of bringing Gummy to Fluttershy, but there’s two things.  First: whenever any of the animals try sneaking off from the cottage, it sets off Dash’s Butterfly Mark... so I don’t think it’d go down too well with her if I tried STEALING an animal of hers.  Second: well, I’m afraid of it backfiring.  I’d like to at least try to find equilibrium for both Dash and Fluttershy before attempting a move like that.

Discord snaps his fingers, and suddenly, Lero’s back in Golden Oaks Library.  He’s briefly surprised, but then Discord waves at him and vanishes.  Lero shakes his head at the draconequus toying with him.

LERO

Now about Tank, and I guess I might as well include Owlowiscious, as well... our owl and tortoise friends ARE still here, my friends, but they’ve pretty much been keeping a low profile in all this madness.  So don’t be nervous for them if you don’t see them that often!  

He opens a door.  In the next room, a doting Rarity feeds lettuce leaves to Tank while Owlowiscious watches and blinks.

LERO

Rarity adores Tank, but not quite in the same way Dash did.  Babies him like she used to baby Opal the cat.   And as for ‘bedazzling his shell’... well, Rarity DOES enjoy polishing his shell to a mirror shine, but Tank can rest easy knowing she’s not going to try gluing gems to it or anything.  Gems are not Rarity’s ‘thing’ anymore, after all; they’re Applejack’s.

Question 4:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:  

Dear Angel Bunny,

What is your problem? Seriously, why do you get such a kick out of watching that pegasus suffer?

Angel Bunny knocks over a LARGE container of ink -- spilling a big puddle of it all over one side of the carpet.  He hops into the puddle, getting his paws nice and inky.  Then he carefully hops all over the rest of the carpet, spelling words out in his paw prints:

MAMA ATE APPLE I WANT

NO APPLE FOR I

MAMA STUPID

MAMA WEAK

I IN CHARGE

MAMA DUMB

I SMART

MAMA NOT DO STARE NO MORE

MOTHER JOKE NOW

MOTHER HOOFMAT

MOTHER CHEW TOY

WE CHEW HER UP

Rainbow Dash walks into the room, and stares at the writing Angel left.  She gives him a deeply pained look.  He sneers at her.

Question 5:  Warpd Asks:  

Dear Angle Bunny:

So despite your behavior you are totally not worried about RD allowing Lero to eat you? Carrots go well with rabbit stew.

Angel, again, makes an inky mess out of the carpet.

STUPID TWO-LEGS!

SMELLY TWO-LEGS!

POOPY TWO-LEGS!

HE WORK WITH MAMA!

TEACH MAMA BE STRONG AGAIN!

HE MAKE MAMA SMILE!

HATE!  HATE!  HATE!

HE WANNA BRING MAMA STARE BACK!

I NO LET HIM!

NO LET!  NO LET!  NO LET!

HE WANT EAT ME?

I MAKE HIM ATE!

I PLAN PLAN!

PLAN WITH BEARS!

BEARS EAT TWO-LEGS!

MAMA NO STRONG THEN!  

Lero enters the room, holding a wrench.

LERO

Hey, Dash!  I think I figured out what's wrong with your...

The sight of Angel’s writing stops him.  He reads it over.  Lero’s grip on the wrench tightens as his eyes find Angel Bunny.  

Question 6:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Discord,

Since Luna isn't taking questions, I'm hoping you'll be able to answer this one in her stead. Are there any signs of the Swapped Five's true selves in their dreams?

Discord stands by Fluttershy’s bed.  The pegasus is fast asleep.

DISCORD

(excitedly)

You’ve actually hit upon something interesting, Fan!  But first, a science fact!  

Finger snap!  He’s dressed in nerd glasses and a lab coat AND a pair of footie pajamas and a nightcap at the same time.  

DISCORD

Anypony (and anyhuman, for that matter,) who gets a full night’s rest, typically experiences an average of six dreams during her sleep.

He pulls over a chalkboard and writes a ridiculously elaborate chemical equation on it.

DISCORD

Now, for every night any of our five swapped friends has herself a full night’s sleep, she’ll be able to enjoy exactly ONE of those six dreams as her true self!

(a bit regretful)

Although, even if their swapped selves are lucky enough to remember these dreams when they awake, they’re predisposed to dismiss them as ‘just dreams.’  But, hey!  It’s SOMETHING, ain’t it?

He pulls out a miniature Big Ben out of his lab coat pocket, checking the time.

DISCORD

(excited again)

Ooh!  Looks like Fluttershy’s is already underway!  Let’s pay a visit!

Shrinking to the size of a dandruff flake, Discord hops into Fluttershy’s ear.

He has now entered Fluttershy’s true-self dream.   Discord finds himself in Fluttershy’s cottage... and it truly IS her own cottage again!  And her Butterfly Mark is right where it belongs!

Angel is with Fluttershy, and she’s trying to get him to eat.

FLUTTERSHY

Aw, c’mon, Angel, won’t you have just a TEENY bite of your salad?  Pleeeease?

Angel Bunny moves to smack her across the face, but before he can deliver the blow...

...THE STARE.

As the cowed rabbit hurriedly shovels salad down his throat, Fluttershy smiles.

FLUTTERSHY

There you go, Angel Bunny!  Mama’s so proud of you!

Discord claps his hands over Fluttershy’s eyes from behind.

DISCORD

Guess who?

FLUTTERSHY

Discord!

She turns around and the two friends hug.

DISCORD

(laughing)

You’re too good at this!  How have things been for you?

FLUTTERSHY

Oh!  You’ll never guess who was just here!

DISCORD

Trace Beauleiu?

FLUTTERSHY

No!  It was Lero!

DISCORD


Lero again?

FLUTTERSHY

Yes!  Oh, he’s been so helpful!  I even hugged him!

DISCORD


I’m sorry I missed him!

FLUTTERSHY

That’s okay!  Would you like to come outside with me and feed the chickens?  

DISCORD

Would I ever!

Fluttershy leaves and comes back with bags of chicken feed for herself and Discord.  They step out the door.

Fluttershy freezes up, the bag of chicken feed falling from her mouth at the ominous sight of three toy balloons floating outside.  One yellow, two blue.  The balloons of Pinkie Pie’s cutie mark.  

But these balloons are GIGANTIC-SIZED.  Each literally as big as Fluttershy, herself.  

And it is immediately clear these balloons are NOT lifeless, inanimate objects, oh no.  They project an intimidating air of unstoppable invincibility: no force on earth will be able to pop or deflate them.  

The huge balloons focus all their attention upon Fluttershy like a trio of cops come to arrest her.  They are willing to take her in quietly or do things the hard way, whatever she pleases.  But they WILL have her.  

FLUTTERSHY

(trembly voice)

Oh!  Uh... it’s GOOD to see you three again!  H...hey, i-if it’s not too much trouble, would you please, please, PLEASE let me be myself for just a FEW teensy more minutes?  Discord just...

Discord just watches sadly as infinite lengths of balloon string shoots out of the base of the balloons, completely cocooning his pegasus friend in seconds.

Everything around Discord fades to black.  

Then, it fades over to a new scene, for his slumbering friend has transitioned to a new dream.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

This episode of That’s Our Fluttershy! has been filmed before a live studio audience!  Honest!  You can hear their laughter and everything!  We just don’t ever turn the camera to let you see the audience's faces because... uh... fourth wall!  Yeah, fourth wall!  But we love letting you hear their laughter, so... yeah!

Discord’s inside a small, unfamiliar room, mostly empty, except for a folding screen by the side.  As the door opens, he quickly turns himself into a housefly and flies over to a corner of the wall to watch.  

Applejack leads Fluttershy inside the bedroom: Fluttershy has her Balloon Mark, while Applejack has her Diamond Mark.

FLUTTERSHY

This is my bedroom.  It’s yours for the weekend.

APPLEJACK

(looking around)

Fluttershy?  Uh... Ah don’t mean ta be picky or nothin’, but, uh, where’s this bedroom's bed?

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #1]

FLUTTERSHY

Oh!  It’s right here.

Fluttershy walks over and pulls the folding screen back, revealing a hammock.

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #5]

APPLEJACK

What’s this?!

FLUTTERSHY

Your bed!

APPLEJACK

A hammock?

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #2]

FLUTTERSHY

(smiling)

You might like it!

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[CANNED LAUGHTER #12]

Discord enters the room in a Hawaiian shirt, carrying five suitcases at once.  He looks around the bedroom, then at Applejack.

DISCORD

Where’s the bed?

LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

[UPROARIOUS GUFFAWING #7]

Question 7:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

Greetings from Lero's native dimension. We don't much care for you either. Not ponies in general, you specifically. And no, we can't take him back. Take that up with Those Who Must Not Be Named. I realize this isn't a question, but, well, you're a little bitch who likes mmmmmmelons.

Honeydew sets a melon on a cutting board, and proceed to cut it up into slices.

HONEYDEW

Go rip a pig’s throat out with your teeth.  Go gnaw on the bones like a jackal.  Go stick a banana in your least favorite body hole, and slip on the peel!  Go jam a stick into the dirt, and eat the termites that scuttle out!  You say you hate me?!  Well, zip-a-dee-ding-dang-dong!  That almost makes up for the fact that Celestia won’t send the two-legged cooler back to the Monkey World he spawned from!  Just stay away from me, and stay away from my FAMILY, and stay away from this world entirely and leave me to enjoy my...

She takes a bite of a melon slice.  

HONEYDEW

Mmmmm---mmmm--mmmmm!  My melons.

Question 8:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord,

Before you were reformed, why did you hang around Equestria?

The sun and moon spin through their place in outer space as though they’re racing to get themselves dizzy.  Flocks of billiard balls fly across the argyle-patterned sky. Cotton candy clouds shower chocolate rain down upon a pony town where the houses are made of dominoes, empty soup cans, paper clips, and beehives filled with bees.  Some of them float like balloons.

Kittens with hammers bang on walls and spaghetti trees at random.  Tubas and trumpets grow in gardens.  Merchants sell money in exchange for exhaled breaths of carbon dioxide.

All the actual ponies are  either discorded, lunatics, or discorded lunatics.

A pony eats mouthfuls of dirt straight out of the ground like it’s cookie dough.  A thirsty pony tries to take a drink of water out of his tail end.

Grey, discorded parents bully their sons and daughters, and are bullied back.  Grey, discorded elderly ponies shove decrepit, enfeebled teenagers into mud puddles.

Discord observes his glorious dystopia, and turns towards the readers with a smirk.

DISCORD

How’s THIS for a reason?!  Before those Alicorn Sisters encased me in stone with the Elements of Harmony, I RULED THIS WORLD AS AN UNASSAILABLE GOD!  CHAOS AND DISHARMONY WERE THE ONLY LAWS FOR TIME-OUT-OF-MIND!   THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT WAS MY PLAYTHING!  REALITY WAS WHATEVER I DECIDED IT WOULD BE AT ANY  GIVEN MOMENT!

Then he snaps his fingers.  We’re back in the present, where our draconequus friend has been redeemed.

DISCORD

You’d have loved living there.  I sure did!

Question 9:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord,

What is chaos to you?

DISCORD


Disorder, distress, discombobulation, and -- need I even say it? --  discordance.  Put ‘em all together and whaddaya got?  CHAOS!    Next question, please!  

Question 10:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord

Couldn’t you have gone somewhere that appreciated your touch?

DISCORD

I find it more personally rewarding whenever the natives come to appreciate all the magical marvels I bring them as an acquired taste.

Question 11:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Spike,

Rarity, both altered and normal, seems to be a very traditional mare. She's going to want to be in a herd. Can you handle that?

SPIKE

Sure!  As long as that herd is MY OWN herd that I'M the head of!  AND LERO’S NOT ALLOWED IN IT!

He thinks a bit, then adds, with some regret:

SPIKE

Or Twilight, either.  I mean, I really DO love Twilight, but not in the way I love Rarity!  But Twilight will be welcome to visit, anytime!

Question 12:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity:

What's your favorite part about kissing Lero and how does it compare to past experiences when dating other ponies?

Rarity smiles, and heads over to the wine cabinet.

RARITY

By far, my favorite thing about Lero’s kisses... the thing I love most... is his love.  The affection and adoration he channels into his kisses.  I love how Lero pours all of himself into his love of me.  It incites me to pour all of myself into my love for him.  

She uncorks a bottle of cabernet sauvignon and pours it into a glass.

RARITY

When we’re kissing... really passionately kissing, we’re like two flames competing to see which of us can blaze hottest, all while  feeding off one another.  It’s magical.

She takes a framed photo off the wall.  It shows Lero and Rainbow Dash, each with an arm around the other’s shoulder.  Of course, Rarity sees herself in the pegasus’ place.  She hugs the picture to her chest, kisses the image of Lero, then hooks it back on the wall.

RARITY

Now, your second question.  I assure you, it’s NOT a case of ‘ponies don’t do anything for me anymore.’  Lyra and Twilight can certainly testify to that!  Lero, as well!  For all those special times Twilight transforms our stallion into a stallion, believe me, none of the magic is lost!

She takes a small sip of wine.

RARITY

My other suitors of the past... I’ve had all sorts.  Funny ones.  Fun ones.  Accomplished ones, rich ones, smart ones, famous ones.   Ones who were superb kissers in their own right.  Loving-hearted ones I could’ve just as easily fallen all the way in love with.  

She takes a larger drink of wine, draining half the glass.

RARITY

I’ve also had experiences with scoundrels.  Liars.  Cheaters.  Spiteful weasels and jealous vipers.  Overgrown infants.  Lecherous toads, especially those who were only interested in being able to say, ‘I scored with a unicorn!’  And a few obsessive stalkers too.

Her skin crawls under her fur, and she sets the wine down on a counter.

RARITY

Species difference aside... what separates Lero from all the rest, what makes him beyond compare is this: he’s utterly committed to being the perfect boyfriend.  Every day in every way.  

(blinks)

Er... COLT-friend, not boyfriend.  

(laughs wryly)

I swear, some days I’m practically human, myself!  

She levitates the wine bottle over to completely refill her glass.

RARITY

After all he went through in Bramblewood, want to know what kind of nightmares he had?  Not of almost dying.  Not of falling.  Not of any physical pain.  None of the things which I was responsible for.  My prince woke up in the middle of the night, sobbing, because he dreamt he’d been a bad stallion to me.    

Fighting the urge to sob, herself, she swigs down the whole glass of wine.

RARITY

On a good day, Lero does his best to make that day better, or at least keep it 'good.'  On a bad day, Lero does his best to make things good again.  And in the face of catastrophe... well, that’s when me and Twilight and Lyra and Spike and everyone else tend to be most thankful he’s on our side.

She looks up at the readers.

RARITY

As a former connoisseur of such things, believe me when I say: such factors have a incredible impact on the taste, texture, and heat of a kiss.