Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Seven:  Equestria's Most Riveting Dentist

Spoilers Up To Chapter 14

Question 1:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Starswirl The Bearded,

Did your spell have to be so vicious to its victims, or is it just that in this timeline Twilight has assistance so the degree of difficulty scales up with the number of people trying to solve it?

Princess Celestia stands in front of an ancient oil portrait of Starswirl himself.  She turns towards the readers.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Speaking on behalf of Starswirl... who is, of course, no longer among us... I can assure you the number of individuals attempting to remedy a Swap has no bearing on the degree of difficulty that Swap presents for all parties concerned.

Question 2:  Boss Hoss Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

With all these really messed up side effects from pretty much EVERY Starswirl spell you have tried on-camera, has this affected your views on the Father of Modern Magic at all?

Twilight kisses a wooden bust of Starswirl fondly on his forehead.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Not in the slightest!  My failures with his spells only go to show that I have higher mountains to climb, academically and magically.  

Lero opens the door, holding a painting.

LERO

Hey, Twilight!  Check it out!  I found this artist pony and commissioned her to draw a picture for me!

Lero shows Twilight a magnificent color illustration of himself as a vampire hunter, vengefully hammering a stake through the heart of Starswirl the Bearded Vampire: a snarling, saber-toothed, throughly monstrous entity, with fresh blood dripping from his fangs.  

LERO

Ain’t it BEAUTIFUL?

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Can you tell us how you see your sisters or idols and how that has affected you?

APPLE BLOOM

Oh, Ah absolutely LOVE mah sister!  Fer all mah life, Pinkie Pie’s been one of the strongest, nicest, most dependable ponies out there!  Whatever Ah end up gettin’ mah cutie mark in, Ah can only hope Ah’m just as good as it as Pinkie Pie is with apples!  

Apple Bloom looks away briefly before looking back.

APPLE BLOOM

Ah have a feelin’ yer gonna want me to bring up those small couple a’ weeks where Pinkie weren’t right in the head.  Worst Ah’ve seen her.  Still ain’t QUITE fully recovered... still SO MUCH she’s gotta relearn... where’d it all disappear ta...?

Then she brightens.

APPLE BLOOM

But she’s back ta bein’ sweet as a Red Delicious!  She’s hardworkin’ in the RIGHT way!  And best a’ all... AH GET TA BE BIG SISTER WITH HER!

She begins hopping around in a merry circle.  

SWEETIE BELLE

(tentatively)

Hey, Apple Bloom?  Do you think your big sister...

APPLE BLOOM

(happily correcting her)

LITTLE sister!  Pinkie’s been demoted ta LITTLE sister, ‘til she shapes back up!  

SWEETIE BELLE

Do you think your OLDER sister might have a talk with MY older sister?  It’s just... Applejack’s been kinda gettin’ short-fused with my OWN family!

Apple Bloom STOPS hopping around.

APPLE BLOOM

She is?

SWEETIE BELLE

(sadly, worriedly)

Yeah, she is.  Applejack’s starting to get the same way Pinkie USED to be.  Oh, she’s still sweet as sugar to all the customers who still BUY from her but lately... she’s been frustrated, and sometimes she’ll...

Sweetie hangs her head.

SWEETIE BELLE

...Lash out at Mom and Dad and me.

APPLE BLOOM

(deeply troubled)

Ah... Ah WILL talk with Pinkie ‘bout this.  We’ll all put our heads together.  See what we can do.

SWEETIE BELLE

(relieved)

Thank you SO MUCH, Apple Bloom!  I don’t know what else to do!  

SCOOTALOO

(turns towards audience)

Since I don’t have a sister, let me tell you about the pony I look up to above all other ponies... LIGHTNING DUST!

Scootaloo holds up a picture of Lightning Dust.

SCOOTALOO

She’s brash, she’s strong, she’s the FASTEST, COOLEST FLIER that I’ve EVER SEEN!  Believe it or not, I actually got to MEET her!  Yeah!  The real Lightning Dust came to Ponyville, just the other day!  I told Lightning how awesome she was, and how cool it was she was a gonna be a Wonderbolt!  And she gave me this super-cocky, super-COOL smile, and she said, ‘Oh, you like fast, kid?  Then you watch how fast I’m gonna leave you eating my dust!’  Then she sped off into the sky, and I WAS eating her dust!  A whole mouthful of the stuff, and it just flew right in my throat!

Her friends look at Scootaloo with shock and sadness.  But Scootaloo just says;

SCOOTALOO

It’s a real shame there ain’t ANYONE even REMOTELY cool as THAT livin' in Ponyville!  But since she's the best there is, I’m just going to do everything I can to to make myself cool just like Lightning Dust is!

Question 4:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Now that Apple Bloom has to be Pinkie Pie's 'big sister' until Pinkie can get herself together, there's got to be a lot less time for the three of you do to free-form crusading together. Are you all helping out on the farm together, or does Apple Bloom really have to concentrate on helping Pinkie?

SCOOTALOO

Well... it’s not EVERY day that we help Apple Bloom and Pinkie out on their farm.  That’d... kinda get work-y and job-y after a while.  And I’m far too young for that!

SWEETIE BELLE

We DO help SOMETIMES, though, since Apple Bloom’s our friend and all.  And Pinkie too.  There’s always the chance that we’d get our cutie marks on fence-mending or barn-cleaning or something like that.

SCOOTALOO

Though me and Sweetie do have to go crusading as a dynamic duo a lot more often than we used to.  

SWEETIE BELLE

But it’s always nicer when we get to be a terrific trio, instead.

APPLE BLOOM

Yew said it, Sweetie!

(turns towards audience)

Yeah, ya’ll hit the nail on the head... Ah do have less time fer Crusadin’... but when the farm’s dependin’ on me like this, Ah gotta be the one ta step up ta the plate!   But it ain’t like Ah’ve given up Crusadin’ entirely!

She turns towards Pinkie Pie, who is also there.

APPLE BLOOM

Pinkie Pie’s gettin‘ a lot better, every day!  She’s still ain’t what she was, but she IS learnin’!  Some days, dependin’ on what kinda chores she needs ta do, I can even trust her ta look after the farm by herself!  So it’s not like Ah have to foal-sit her round the clock!

PINKIE PIE

And Ah wouldn’t want her to HAVE ta, either!  Ah WANNA let mah big sister have some time ta herself ta have fun!  If there’s one thang Ah learned, it’s that it shouldn’t ALL be about the chores!   

Pinkie Pie then turns towards all the Crusaders.

PINKIE PIE

Now who wants ta go parkouring with me?

CRUSADERS

(overlapping voices, all at once)

Oh!  Me!  Me!  Me!  I do!  I do!

Question 5:  Zer0prototype and SpinelStride Ask:

Dear Colgate:

How do you like getting to work on Lero's teeth?

How about working on omnivore teeth in general compared to pony teeth, when you tend to Spike or Lero?

COLGATE

Well, as much as some ponies are still a little unsure around Lero, here for being an omnivore... after working on Spike’s teeth, you won’t find me all THAT intimidated by what’s in Lero’s mouth. I mean, it’s almost unfair.  SPIKE’S teeth are capable of masticating diamonds... breaking them down into grit in his mouth!   And it’s LERO who gets all the wary looks!    Still, omnivorous teeth are fascinating to work with.  Pony teeth don’t GET that pointy in the back, unless they’ve been in a fight or an accident.  Sometimes, as a dentist, you have to repress the urge to make them square.  Take it from a girl whose patients are 99% ponies.

She sets one of Lero's X-rays on a stand.

COLGATE

But do you want to know the most fun thing about being Lero’s dentist?  Whenever I take his X-rays, there’ll be another dentist or a radiologist willing to pay BIG MONEY for me to sell her the originals.  Yes, there are collectors among us, too!

Question 6:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Colgate,

Is pony dentistry mostly magical in nature, or are fillings, caps, and crowns part of pony dental work?

COLGATE

A combination of the two.  We ponies have MAGICAL fillings, caps, and crowns!  They help self-clean the teeth they’re set in... though there is no substitute for a disciplined brushing and flossing regimen.  

Question 7:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Colgate,

In a more general sense, presuming that Lero does have some human-style fillings, what's your professional opinion on human dental work?

COLGATE

Truly fascinating!  Of course, I tried asking him questions about his fillings... but since Lero’s not a dentist, himself, he was about as knowledgeable as most of my patients are about anaerobic bacteria.  

(smiles)

There is no, denying, though, that his having ‘tooth-colored’ resin that doesn’t stand out the way gold or silver does, represents a phenomenal leap in dental technology!  To this day, we’re trying to recreate it!  I keep trying to talk Lero into letting us replace one of his tooth-colored fillings for a gold one, so we can reverse-engineer the tooth-colored ones he has!  one of these days, I’ll wear him down yet!  

Question 8:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Colgate,

Any feelings, well or ill, against Time Turner for having the same cutie mark as you?

SUBTITLE:  3 YEARS AGO

We are now in a grassy backyard of Colgate’s house, in the dead of night.  Her wide-open door bangs repeatedly against the doorframe in the wind.

There is a telltale otherworldly grinding noise that announces the TARDIS materializes into being.  

A humanoid, (but decidedly NOT human) figure darts out of the TARDIS, carrying Colgate in his arms.  The poor pony is having deep difficulty breathing.  He rushes her inside her house, up the stairs, and onto her bed.  

He then pulls out a truly exotic-looking syringe and injects her with its contents.  She lets out a long gasp.  Slowly, her breathing stabilizes.  

THE DOCTOR

Just in time, not a moment to spare... Colgate, you’re going to be okay...

COLGATE

Doctor, how long will it take for this serum to kill the parasites?

THE DOCTOR

A week.  Maybe two.  

COLGATE

(laughs slightly)

You know, it’ll be... it’ll be a NICE change of pace, being back at  home for a while.  Quiet.  Restful.  And then we can get back in the TARDIS and see what glorious new madness is out there to find!  

She grits her teeth, as the stomach parasites wriggle within her.  

COLGATE

In the meantime, we’re going to have to find a nice cover story for you while you’re here.

THE DOCTOR

(regretfully)

Colgate, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen.

COLGATE

W-what do you mean?!

THE DOCTOR

It was just too close a shave this time.  I’m making a judgment call.  I’m afraid that this has to be goodbye.  

COLGATE

Goodbye?!  Wait, no, you can’t!  

THE DOCTOR

I’m sorry, but this is just like we agreed upon.  It has to be this way.

COLGATE

But there are so many adventures still out there... exploring time and space, and I want to do it all with you!

Then Colgate’s blank flank shines.  She GASPS as a hourglass appears.

COLGATE

My... my cutie mark!

(sobs with emotion)

All this time... I thought it’d never, ever appear... and... it turns out I was a late bloomer after all!

She sniffles.

COLGATE

Doctor!  Don’t you know what this mark means?  It means I... I was MEANT to be your companion!  I was meant to travel with you on the TARDIS; past, present, and future!   I... I love you, Doctor!  

The Doctor comes up and kisses her, throwing his arms around her.  

THE DOCTOR

And I’ll always love you, Colgate.  I’m so happy you finally gained your mark.  And I know you’ll be the best dentist Equestria’s ever known.  Just like you always wanted to be, before I rudely interrupted your life.  

And he leaves.  Colgate tries to run after, but she’s still too weakened by the parasites within her.  As her ears pick up the noise of the TARDIS grinding out of existence, she weeps.

SUBTITLE:  2 YEARS AGO

Colgate is outside an ice cream shop, finishing off an ice cream cone.  The moment she’s finished, she draws out a toothbrush, squeezes on toothpaste... and then drops them both, as she hears the noise of the TARDIS.  

She tries to run towards it, but the sound vanishes before she can determine its location.

But soon enough, she perks up, as DERPY HOOVES and DOCTOR HOOVES pass by her on the street.  

She follows after them, the moment she sees the hourglass cutie mark he has.  

DOCTOR HOOVES

As long as we can get to the Junior Science And Magic Fair in time... then  we should be able to prevent reality from...

COLGATE

DOCTOR!

Doctor Hooves freezes.  He turns around, smiling at Colgate.

DOCTOR HOOVES

Er, I’m sorry, Miss, but I’m sure we’ve never met.  You must’ve mistaken me for someone else.  My name is John Smith.

COLGATE

(not buying it)

‘John Smith?’  

DERPY HOOVES

Doctor, that’s a HUMAN name!

DOCTOR HOOVES

(grasping at straws, not on his game)

Er, sorry, did I say, ‘John Smith?’  I meant to say my name’s...

He casts a look at his cutie mark.

DOCTOR HOOVES

Time Turner!  Because I just... love spending all day flipping hourglasses upside-down.

COLGATE

(nods at Derpy)

And what’s your relationship to Derpy Hooves, then, Doctor?  

DOCTOR HOOVES

Relationship?   Uh... we’re related!  Same family, long-long brother!  

DERPY HOOVES

Brother?!

(glares at him)

You are my COLTFRIEND.  And I won’t LET you say otherwise.

Sweating, the Doctor turns back to Colgate.


DOCTOR HOOVES

Erm... yes.  Yes, that right.

(introducing himself again)

Doctor Hooves.  Doctor Time Turner Hooves.  Married name, you understand...

Colgate throws her arms around Doctor Hooves.  

COLGATE

Oh, Doctor!  You came back!  

The Doctor lets out his breath, seeing he’s defeated.  He turns to Colgate.

DOCTOR HOOVES

I’d like you meet Derpy, my new girlfriend.  Derpy, meet Colgate.

DERPY HOOVES

Oh, I know Colgate!  

DOCTOR HOOVES

You do?

DERPY HOOVES

Yup!  She’s the nicest dentist who ever cleaned my teeth!

COLGATE

How’s the TARDIS looking these days?

DERPY HOOVES

An angry planet chased after us and tried to chew us up!  But you can't even tell, by lookin' at the TARDIS!

COLGATE

(to Doctor Hooves)

So you like Derpy, do you?

The Doctor gives a loving look at the derpy-eyed mare.

DOCTOR HOOVES

I don’t know how she does it to me, but... in all the hundreds of years I’ve wandered all the universes... I’m never felt the same way for any other girl until SHE came along.  She’s become so SPECIAL to me.  I... I'm seriously thinking about... making her my bride.

He gives Colgate a look of deepest apology.

DOCTOR HOOVES

And I know you had feelings for me too, Colgate... deep feelings. Believe me, I didn’t want to hurt you like this...

COLGATE

(blankly)

Hurt me?  How?

DOCTOR HOOVES

(flummoxed)

Because I have a different girl I’m in love with...?

COLGATE

And?

DERPY HOOVES

I like her, Doctor!  Oh, let’s bring her along!  I think she’ll be a GREAT marefriend for BOTH of us!

DOCTOR HOOVES

(taken aback)

B-BOTH of us?!

Suddenly, they all stumble where they stand: a minor earthquake has shook them!

DOCTOR HOOVES

W... we’ll have to sort this out later!  Reality, itself, hangs in the balance!  

COLGATE

Doctor, you mentioned something about a Junior Science And Magic Fair?  I know just where that’s taking place!  Follow me!

Colgate breaks into a run, and The Doctor follows after her, letting the dentist guide the way.  Derpy flies up to Colgate.

DERPY HOOVES

Welcome to the herd, Colgate!

She nuzzles her cheek, even as they rush.

COLGATE

Derpy... Doctor... it’s glorious to be back!

And she kisses Derpy on her lips, before casting a gleeful look back at the Doctor.  A few steps behind the mares, Doctor Hooves shakes his head at the bizarreness of it all.