Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Six:  I Believe That The Heart Does Go On

Spoilers Up To Chapter 13

Question 1:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero and Twilight,

Inspired by that... unusual outfit, would it be possible for Twilight to retrieve specific memories from Lero's mind (with his consent, mind you) and display them as illusions? Lero's got a wealth of movies, TV shows, and other media locked away in his memory, and with some magical assistance it might be possible to recall them (or at least some of them) in sufficient detail to display.

EXT.  TITANIC - DAY

TITANIC STEAMS TOWARD US, in the dusk light, as if lit by the embers of a giant fire. As the ship looms, FILLING FRAME, we push in on the bow. Jack is there, right at the apex of the bow railing, his favorite spot. He closes his eyes, letting the chill wind clear his head.

ROSE

Hello, Jack.

He turns and she is standing there.

ROSE

I changed my mind.

He smiles at her, his eyes drinking her in. Her cheeks are red with the chill wind, and her eyes sparkle. Her hair blows wildly about her face.

ROSE

They said you might be up here...

JACK

Sssshh.  Give me your hand.

She offers him her hand, drawing forward.  As though they are about to kiss.

JACK

Now close your eyes.  Go on.

She does, and he turns her to face forward, the way the ship is going. He leads her gently to the rail, standing right behind her.

JACK

Now step up... and hold onto the railing.  Keep your eyes closed, don’t peek.

ROSE

I’m not!

JACK

Step up onto the rail.

She steps onto the lowermost curve of the bow's steel railing, and he joins her.

JACK

Hold on... hold on!  Keep your eyes closed!

Rose lets out a small nervous laugh.

JACK

Do you trust me?  

ROSE

I trust you.

Then he takes her two hands and raises them until she is standing with her arms outstretched on each side. Rose is going along with him. When he lowers his hands, her arms stay up... like wings.

JACK

(whispering in her ear)

Alright.  Open your eyes.

Rose gasps. There is nothing in her field of vision but water. It's like there is no ship under them at all, just the two of them soaring. The Atlantic unrolls toward her, a hammered copper shield under a dusk sky.  There is only the wind, and the hiss of the water 50 feel below.

ROSE

I'm flying!

She leans forward, arching her back. He puts his hands on her waist to steady her.

INT.  MOVIE THEATER - DAY

Then our view PANS BACK, seeing that James Cameron’s Titanic is being played in one of the big-screen theater rooms of a cinema.  The seats are absolutely PACKED full of mares.  

Never mind that Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio are an alien species: the mares are all ENTRANCED by the magic of this moment.  Even the pegasus mares, (who can appreciate what actual flying feels like,) have their wings outstretched as though catching the movie’s wind on their own feathers.

But then we pan further back.  

INT.  PROJECTION ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Where normally there would be a film projector... there is Lero.  Strapped, like a death row criminal, to a device with an uncomfortably keen resemblance to an electric chair... except that the helmet that’s suctioned and wired to his head comes with a headlamp, (like a miner’s helmet) that projects Titanic onto the big screen, directly from Lero’s brain.

Lero is NOT VERY HAPPY.

LERO

(growled under his breath)

Three hours... three BUCKIN’ hours... why, Cameron?  WHY?!?!

Spike and Twilight are with him in this room; Spike counting out a LARGE pile of bits.

SPIKE

Hey, what’re you complaining about?  We’re making a KILLING, here!  The mares're all eating this up like chocolate!  The hippologists have all been wetting themselves for a chance to have a look at your human home world!  And we've even been offered a movie deal to remake this same flick with a pony cast!  

LERO

Twilight, PROMISE me you’ll redesign this torture machine of yours, somehow, as soon as the show ends!  Something that can copy my memories of movies directly onto a film reel or something!  

(beat of silence)

Twilight...?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(enraptured)

I’m flying!  I’m FLYING, Jack!

Question 2:  EpsilonWinterAsks:

Dear Discord:  I understand that there are other entities in Equestria that may have an interest in dear Lero and Company, how have relations with them gone thus far?

Discord is watching a team of pineapples play a game of soccer against a team of cauliflower.  They're really going at it!  Then the Mother Of Equestria happens by.

DISCORD

Oh, hey there, Big Mama!

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Hey, yourself, Discord.

She sits down next to Discord.

DISCORD

Been keeping up with the Marvelous Misadventures of Mr. Michaelides?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

You bet I am!  Quite a resourceful little guy Lero is... coming up with that whole ‘equilibrium’ thing!

DISCORD

Yeah!  What a twist, eh?  And he came up with the idea all on his own!  He’s not one of those heroes you read about who needs the answers spoon-fed to him from some white-haired elder or an old book!  

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Was that a jab at Twilight Sparkle?  

DISCORD


So what if it is?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Been meaning to ask... when all the animals turned on Rainbow Dash... was that YOUR doing?

DISCORD

Nope!  Angel Bunny’s.  

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

And that glufferflork that hurt Big Macintosh?

DISCORD

(annoyed huff)

Give a stallion a dog’s brain ONE TIME and everyone thinks you have it out for him!  Honestly!  Why can’t a powerful forest predator decide to attack defenseless domesticated prey without there being some grandiose cosmic conspiracy behind it?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

So... who do you ship?

DISCORD


Oh, you know me.  I’m a strict Lerity guy.  For Lero, it’d be the ULTIMATE form of embracing-the-chaos, especially if they marry.  Plus, you KNOW she'll treat him right.  You?

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Dashero, all the way.  

DISCORD


You sure?  The way I see it, Rarity’s growing on Lero more and more with each passing day!  As for Rainbow Dash... well, unrequited love does not a relationship make.

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

True love conquers all!  He’ll get through to her.  Even her Swapped persona has come to appreciate Lero’s being there for her!  

DISCORD


We’ll have to wait and see what happens.  

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

Indeed.

She checks her watch and stands up.

MOTHER OF EQUESTRIA

I’d better get going.  See you around, then!

DISCORD

You too!

She leaves and he resumes watching the game, cheering on the pineapples as they score a goal.  

Question 3:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra:

How big is the difference between 'master' and 'grandmaster' in pony martial arts?

LYRA

For a follower of the Still Way to qualify for Grandmaster eligibility, she must first become a Master.   From there, she has a number of options.  For instance, if you train 10 fellow masters as a sensei, you’re eligible to become a Grandmaster.  Or if you personally train 100 novices and elevate them to the rank of Master, that works too.  There are other options, besides, such as being on record for besting a certain number of dangerous lawbreakers, then getting them to swear off crime for good, vanquishing a certain number of hellspawn demons, or personally averting Armageddon at least once.

She shrugs.

LYRA

Essentially, you have to do something REALLY impressive to even be eligible for Grandmaster status.  And if they’re sufficiently impressed... THEN you’re sent a special letter, instructing you to journey forth to the Secret Proving Grounds.   Which I don’t know the location of... nor do I know EXACTLY what transpires there.  So please don’t ask.

Question 4:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra,

If you and Rainbow Dash wanted to have a practice bout with even odds, what sort of limitations would have to be in play?

LYRA

Just one: No lethal techniques.  

(beat)

To an outsider, that might seem more than a little unsportsmarelike... perhaps downright barbaric.  But both Dash and I are martial arts masters.  Pegasus or unicorn... you don’t maintain a master’s level of martial arts prowess by shackling yourself with the rules of ‘fair play.’  

Her look turns grave.

LYRA

After all, we’re not in this to win some tournament.  We need to keep our skills honed to protect others and ourselves.  To come out alive against assassins, thugs, vicious creatures, changeling hordes, and WORSE.

Then she hangs her head.

LYRA

I’ve missed sparring with Dash.  Have BEEN missing it LONG before this Swap thing upset our lives.  Now... I suppose I’ll simply have to wait and see whether all of Dash’s martial arts knowledge has stayed with her or transferred over to...

Lyra gives a edgy TREMBLE.

LYRA

...Rarity.

Question 5:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you could find a way to use Starswirl's spell for offensive purposes, would you? For example, if you could have used it to make Sombra think he was an oppressed Crystal Pony and some other random Crystal Pony think she was the risen conqueror of the Crystal Empire... and therefore made everything much easier since that other pony wouldn't have had Sombra's powers to do anything with... would the reduction in risk to every other pony be sufficient to get you to voluntarily mess with other ponies' minds like that?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Never in the way YOU’RE suggesting I use it!  The very IDEA of transforming the heart of some poor oppressed citizen into that of an evildoer... even an INEFFECTUAL evildoer!  Especially one of King Sombra’s caliber!  Think of how much you’d be hurting her AND her FAMILY!  

Then a sly look forms on her face.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t weaponize Starswirl’s unfinished spell in a DIFFERENT way!  If I were to, say, swap Sombra out with whatever minion of his Evil Army had the lowest IQ, or the  most disastrous personality flaw... THAT I’d do!  After all, THAT minion would ALREADY be evil!  

Her sly grin grows.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Or better still... Swap him with a goldfish!  Or a snail!  Or a squirrel or a beaver!  THEN we’d be getting somewhere!  

Question 6:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Big Macintosh:

Any mares catch your eye? Possibly Fluttershy or maybe Rainbow Dash?

Big Macintosh is in his hospital bed with Lero, who is visiting, sitting in the visitor’s chair by his side.

BIG MACINTOSH

Well, Ah HAVE been keepin’ an eye out on the lady-folks more than Ah used to.  Mah buddy Lero, here, has actually been coachin’ me.  As he, himself, said, “If Ah can git three mares, and Ah’m human, what’s stoppin’ yew?”  

Mac and Lero smile at each other proudly: teacher and student.

BIG MACINTOSH

Fluttershy and Dash’d both be good herdmates, if they end up likin’ me.  Ah’ve always remembered how kind Miz Dash was ta ponies and critters alike.  Reckon she’d like Winona a lot.

Lero gives the stallion a slightly dark look by the suggestion of Mac hooking up with Dash, but ultimately just lets it go.

BIG MACINTOSH

As for Shy... other ponies look at her playfulness and think she ain’t nothin’ but a big filly, when that ain’t true at all.  She’s lovin’.  Serious when she wants ta be.  Hardworkin’ girl, too.

Lero unwraps a grilled cheese sandwich he’d bought earlier and starts to eat it.

BIG MACINTOSH

But the one Ah’m sweetest on, right now, is Miz Applejack.

Hrrk!  Lero swallows a bite of his sandwich wrong; it’s clearly gone gone the wrong pipe.

BIG MACINTOSH

Yeah!  Fancy dressmaker like her gettin’ sweet on a farm boy like me... surprised me too!

Lero gags loudly, but Big Mac’s too swept up with thoughts of Applejack to pay notice.

BIG MACINTOSH

What happened was that mah li’l sister and Miz AJ’s li’l sister was playin’ Crusaders with that third friend a’theirs.  AJ came by ta pick her sister up and she just suddenly... was lookin’ all over all the farmland like she’d stepped into a fairyland.  Ah offered ta show ‘er round the place.  Yew mighta thought that AJ woulda been too prissy ‘n’ high-ended ta wanna muddy her hooves at a place like Sweet Apple Acres, but she fell in love with the place!  Going practically from tree ta tree like a filly at a pettin’ zoo!  Wantin' to know about ALL of them!

Falling to his knees, Lero gags some more, unseen by his friend.

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah can’t rightly explain it... what made her so different from every other gal... but fer once, Ah had absolutely no trouble talkin’ ta her!  Openin’ up ta her was so easy!  Like we’d known each other all our lives!  Or rather... it felt like we’d known each other in a PREVIOUS life!   Like... whaddaya call it... reincarnation!  Like we was husband and wife in our old life together, and we really, really loved each other!  That’s exactly how it felt fer me!

Mac takes in a deep, happy breath.

BIG MACINTOSH

Ah actually told her this, and she said she felt the same way towards me!  Then the hours jest melted away as we toured the farm, and kept watch over our sisters, lettin’ ‘em keep playing... and we just stole so many kisses... Ah remember us putting our arms ‘round each other as we kissed... mighty forward a’ her, but Ah didn’t complain, no sir!  

Lero’s face is turning an alarming shade of greenish-blue.  

BIG MACINTOSH

Don’t worry, it didn’t go beyond that!  Not with our kid sisters there and it being our first date, ‘n’ all!  

Mac chuckles, but then his mood turns forlorn.

BIG MACINTOSH

But the very same night where that all happened, Ah met up with a certain Flork... and he did THIS ta me.  What’s more, mah sister Pinkie’s been telling me AJ’s gotten REALLY caught up in her work recently!  Must have LOTS of customers, no doubt!  

(grins)

But Ah’m hoping ta rekindle the embers once Ah’m cured!  Even if it takes me a while...

Lero finally figures out a way to save his life: jams his abdomen sharply against the rim of the chair.  He SPITS out the chewed-up bite of sandwich.

He’s about to say words to Mac, but the human stops short at the sudden thousand-yard stare on the stallion’s face.

BIG MACINTOSH

(lonely, faraway voice)

Ah... jest want ta bring Applejack back home...

LERO

Mac...

BIG MACINTOSH

(brightly, fully Bewitched again)

...Back ta inner-duce her ta mah Granny!  Ah gotta feelin’ they’d get along peachy together!

LERO

(low, soft growl)

Starswirl, you sick, sick, sick, SICK bastard...

Question 7:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Does your family have a naming pattern like the Apples?

RAINBOW DASH

Kinda.  I do have a number of similarly-named aunts on my mom’s side.  Like, for example, there’s my Aunt Flutterjoy... writes a lot of life-affirming poetry.  My Aunt Fluttercry... she lives by herself, works at one of those bars where lots of unhappy ponies with rotten lives go to drink.  She remembers ALL the stories they tell her.  Poor Aunt Cry has struggled with depression since her early twenties.  Also, my Aunt Fluttersly.  Black sheep of the family.  Cheats at cards.  Still running from the law for bank fraud, last I heard.  And also, there’s another aunt, heads a number of charities.  Aunt Fluttermunificence.

Rainbow Dash smiles.

RAINBOW DASH

Mom said she wanted to continue the tradition with me, but...

She flips her mane.

RAINBOW DASH

I can only guess the color of my mane changed her mind.  

Question 8:  Zer0prototype Asks:

  Dear Bonbon,

How have you been taking Lyra joining a herd? Did you ever consider joining Lero's herd to be with her, or was it not like that?

BONBON

(a little wryly)

I’ve been ‘taking’ it well.  

(normal tone of voice)

Ponies ALWAYS think we're old lovers. The truth is, I’m happy for her; as much as any candy-maker can be for her philosophizing, harp-playing, martial artist friend.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m as straight as the next girl, but Lyra and I... we’ve always been purely platonic pals.  

Bonbon picks up a picture of her and Lyra, flying kites together.  

BONBON

That’s actually part of the reason why I roomed with her, early on!  I’ve never wanted the mare I was dating to be the mare I was rooming with... at least, not ‘til we’re REALLY SERIOUS.  After all, what if the relationship blows up violently in your face?!  Take it from me: there’s NOTHING worse than an ex-girlfriend.  Except LIVING in the same house with one.

Bonbon shudders.

BONBON

And Lyra and I... I’d like to think we’ll always be friends... but NEVER soulmates.  That’s just the way we both like it.

She puts the picture down.  

BONBON

As for the rest of her herdmates... she’s blessed to have them all.  I can tell they all love each other.  I respect all of them as people and friends, but Lyra can keep them all for herself.  None of them are my type.  Not the overpowered bookworm.  Not the human Lyra fell for, or Lyra, herself.  And certainly not that BARONESS of a weathermare.  

Then she smiles.

BONBON

That snarky dragon kid, though... wouldn’t mind adopting him as a stepson or something!

Question 9:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Bonbon

How have things been for you in Ponyville since Lyra left for her trip?  

BONBON

I do miss her.  She’s been on that sabbatical thing for months now.  But life goes on.  Candy to sell, bills to pay.  The daily grind.  There's good money in sweets, so I focus mostly on that.  Every so often, though, I’ll write Lyra a letter, and Spike’s been nice about letting me use him to send it to her instantly.  It’s always neat reading her letters when they come back!  I remember the last letter Lyra sent, she asked me to write out a list of the names of all her herdmates and send it to her.  Damn weird, but I did as she asked: Twilight Sparkle, Lero, Spike, and Rarity, and I gave that list to Spike.  ...Haven’t heard back from Lyra since.  

Question 10:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Applejack,

Have you ever thought about changing the first part of your name to 'Candle' and abducting anyone who

Ap... sorry... CANDLEjack has Spinel Stride tied up in her magical, floating length of rope.  

CANDLEJACK

(villainous laugh)

Looks like Ah went and took yer advice, Mister!  How d’ya like me now?!

LIGHTINGACE

Hey, Spinel!  Why’re you hanging on that rope like a balloon on a string?  Can I do it too?  It looks fun!

SPINELSTRIDE

I wouldn’t advise it, but yeah, you could!  All you need to do is say Candlejack’s name!

LIGHTINGACE

Candlejack?  

ZONTARGS

Is this the same Candlejack from that one Freakazoid episode?

GENESIS1212

I can't believe how OLD that Candlejack episode is!

EPSILONWINTER

Who cares?  Candlejack will never die!  He's THAT funny!  

JET HOWITZER

Yeah!  Candlejack’s the best thing to come out of that show!

Candlejack faces the readers with an incredulous smile.  

CANDLEJACK

Ah’m-a-gonna need more rope!