Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Five:  A Greedyguts Eats All Your Cake

Spoilers Up To Chapter 12

Question 1:  Genesis1212 Asks:

Dear Aloe and Lotus;

Now that Lero has effectively quite his job who is gonna take up the many reservations he had? Do you think many of the customers asking for Leros magical fingers simply ask elsewhere until he returns?

ALOE

Vell, the gut news is that ve now have replacement!  For the discriminating customer who prefers digits to hooves... an alternative to hooman fingers.  Please velcome...

Aloe redirects our attention to a new face.  

ALOE

Gerhard the griffin!

GERHARD

Hello.

Gerhard is filing his talons to a razor sharpness.  He flexes his fingers as though getting ready to massage you.  The light reflects off the pinprick points of his claw-tips.  

Question 2:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Octavia and Vinyl Scratch,

Think you might dress up as each other for next Nightmare Night? This has nothing to do with anything going on currently, just a random thought.

It’s Nightmare Night, and Octavia and Vinyl Scratch are going trick-or-treating in full-body costumes of each other that might as well have been designed by Jhonen Vasquez.

VINYL SCRATCH

Hey, Mr. Stride, this what you meant?

OCTAVIA

This costume makes me look like you’re eating my head.

Question 3:  AnonymousCoward Asks:

Dear Discord:

A grumpypants puts a knife to Fluttershy’s throat.  How do you save the day?

Grumpypants the unicorn has Fluttershy pinned against the wall, held at knifepoint.  

GRUMPYPANTS

Yeah, you wanna know what’ll be REALLY funny, Lil’ Miss Joker?!  YOUR BLOOD POOLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

FLUTTERSHY

W-wait!  Give me one more shot!  H-have you heard the one about the... uh... about the...!

Then Discord pops in, wearing an actual superhero costume.  An actual pair of tighty-whiteys are over his spandex pants.  His cape flaps behind him heroically.  

DISCORD

...About the nutcase who’s two seconds from wishing he’d never been born?  That one ALWAYS cracks me, up!

FLUTTERSHY

(Oh, my Hero!)

Discord!  You CAME!  

GRUMPYPANTS

(wheels around on him, readying his knife)

You!  Yeah, come on closer, Mix-and-Match! I’ve always wanted to see what color your blood...!

Discord snaps his fingers.  Grumpypants turns into a purple gum ball, while his knife turns into a red toy balloon.

Discord pops the gum ball into his mouth and chews it up into a soggy wet wad.  Then he takes the wad of gum out of his mouth.

He sticks its onto the balloon’s string, holding it there until it’s REALLY stuck fast.

Then he brings the balloon over to the room’s open window, and releases it into the air.  It floats high, high, HIGH into the sky and is picked up by the wind.  Destination: Unknown.  

FLUTTERSHY

Um... Discord?  That chewed-up wad of gum... is he still alive?

DISCORD

You’d better believe he is!

FLUTTERSHY

Oh dear.  

Question 4:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Spike,

With Rarity's magic redirected toward meteorology and Applejack maniacally obsessed with making terrible clothing, is Ponyville starting to experience some degree of a gem shortage? The generous gem-finder isn't out there bringing more back all the time now, and I expect you haven't lost your interest in eating them. Maybe the town's not running short, but there are fewer of them than there used to be, aren't there?

SPIKE

AAAHH!!!  SHE’S INSATIABLE!  NO JEWEL IS SAFE!!!  THE WORLD WILL SOON BE COMPLETELY GEMLESS ALL BECAUSE OF APPLEJACK!  I’LL HAVE TO ACTUALLY BUY ALL HER DRESSES JUST TO HAVE MY GEM FIX!!!!

Then he snickers and laughs.

SPIKE

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!   Gotcha!  

(takes a breath)

But in all seriousness, dude, it’s nice of you to worry, but there’s no cause for concern.  There’s no more danger of a gem shortage because of Applejack’s dressmaking, than there is of an ink shortage from all Twilight’s checklist-writing.

His head tilts in thought.

SPIKE

I know this for a fact: Applejack produces twice as many dresses as Rarity did.  But only because the Swap’s made her completely obsessive, poor girl... and anyway, quality over quantity, even if she knew what she was doing!  But we’re getting off the subject of sweet, sweet gems.

He sighs with a smile.

SPIKE  

Well, if you got the bits, there’s always store-bought gems.  But also, please remember that Twilight knows the gem-finding spell herself.  If I’m really good and hardworking, Twilight’s not too busy, she’ll go out with me, and she’ll use her spell to find gems, so I’m always able to restock!

Question 5:  AnonymousCoward Asks:

Dear Celestia,

A greedyguts eats all your cake. How do you respond?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(sharply)

ALL my cake?!  ALL OF IT?!

For a second, we see a photograph of Greedyguts, alone on the surface of the moon.  Then a telekinetically-controlled pair of floating scissors snaps this photo in two, and we’re looking at Celestia again.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Just kidding, just kidding!  Like I’d ever actually play into THAT trumped-up, worn-out old cliché of me!

Her customary serenity reasserts itself.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

In actuality, I’d just give the greedyguts a sad, sad look, and never invite him back to my castle.  Or have him tried and convicted for the felony of Cake Theft.  It’d all depend on the situational context.  

Question 6:  EpsilonWinter Asks:

Dear Discord:

Considering how much you seem to like Lero, have you considered bringing in some other humans?

DISCORD

From Earth, you mean?  Well, sometimes I do.  But then right afterwards, I also consider how word of other humans would eventually get back to Celestia, and she’d demand that I return the poor abducted dears back to their home world.

Discord turns himself into a basketball and bounces himself around the room.

DISCORD

Wanna know the funny thing?  If I’d been reformed at an earlier point in time, I’d’ve been able to snap my fingers and send Lero back home to Earth just like THAT, practically the moment he’d landed in Equestria!

He dunks himself into the basketball’s basket, and the room blows up.  

DISCORD

But of course, by the time Fluttershy showed me the light, our dear Mr. Michaelides had already gone native, fell in love with two of Equestria’s greatest heroes... including Celestia’s own precious student... so he’s pretty much here to stay!  

But then he smiles slyly.  

DISCORD

One alternative I’m considering, though: if they won’t let me SNATCH humans from Earth... maybe I could MAKE humans of my own!  Natural-born Equestrian Humans!  Just as easily as THAT!

He snaps his fingers, and two human mannequins -- male and female -- appear.

DISCORD

Oh, don’t worry, I’d give my creations sapience and intelligence and free will and morality... they’d be every bit as human as Lero is!  

He summons Pink Palette's pamphlet, chuckling as he leafs through its pages.

DISCORD

Not to mention that our Mr. Michaelides has inspired an entire subgroup of SPECIAL fans.  I’m sure THEY’D welcome more humans with open arms!

But then he sighs, snaps his fingers, and everything vanishes.

DISCORD

But that’s ultimately an idea for later... if I ever do follow through with it at all.  Right now, the Swap is ENOUGH busywork to be getting by with.

Question 7:  LightingAce Asks:

Dear Lero,

Have any of your herdmates ever gone to your job and ordered a ‘special’ massage?

MIKE TEAVEE

I invoke my godlike Author Powers to rewind the clock back, back, BACK, to a point in time when Lero still had a job!

Shazam!  It happens.  We see Lero sensually massaging Twilight’s back... upon their bedroom’s bed.  Seductive music is playing.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, Aloe and Lotus’ spa... mmmm, yeah... it’s a nice enough atmosphere.  And the... uunnnhh!! ... spa waters are terrific to soak in.  And I love the incense they use.  But as for... oooooh... as for the massages... aahh, Lero, stop for a second.

Lero does.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(half-lidded smile)  

I’ll put it to you this way; why buy milk when the cow’s already yours?

Question 8:  Jet Howitzer Asks:

I have a question, but I don't quite know who to ask.  I suppose it could be handled by Twilight, or Lero... It has to do with the swapping of personas to go with cutie marks.  Fluttershy is, as her name indicates, incredibly shy.  I am curious as to where this has gone with her swapped cutie mark.  Surely it's such a large part of who she is that the magic can't make it gone entirely, right?

LERO

(to Twilight Sparkle)

I’ll handle this one, sweetie.

Then Lero turns to Jet Howitzer.

LERO

Well, Jet, to answer that question, let me draw a comparison between Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.

(takes a breath)

As far as I’m able to tell... Fluttershy’s shyness is in the exact same place that Pinkie Pie’s cheerfulness originally was: VERY DEEPLY BURIED IN HER PSYCHE.

Lero shows a photograph, Apple Bloom and Pinkie Pie working in the apple orchard while laughing together.

LERO

Now, to her credit, a LOT of Pinkie’s good humor... in BOTH senses of that phrase... has reasserted itself, even since she found proper equilibrium.  

He puts the photo away.

LERO

Maybe if we manage to...

(corrects himself)

...WHEN we DEFINITELY find Fluttershy’s equilibrium, the same sort of thing will happen to her.  Maybe she’ll become a more diffident sort of comedian.  Sadly, I haven’t gotten around to her yet.

He sighs.

LERO

Right now, so much of Fluttershy’s true personality has been subjugated by that Balloon Mark.  Based on how it’s making her act... the Balloon Mark just won’t accept Flutershy quietly jotting her jokes down in a journal or something.  For Fluttershy to be even a SHADOW of what Pinkie Pie used to be, she has to be a complete extrovert.  No room for shyness.

Question 9:  Jet Howitzer Asks:

Also, what about events that couldn't have happened anymore?  Like the episode with Photo Finish?  Surely a laughter-oriented Fluttershy wouldn't be opposed to the potential publicity that would come from such events.  Or, in order to keep the elements in their respective roles, was it actually Dash who was the supermodel-esque figure?  And, if the latter is the case, has the entire society had their views on attractiveness altered?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

To answer that question, I’ve given a copy of this picture...

She opens an old glamour magazine to one of Photo Finish’s pictures of Fluttershy, during her modeling days.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...To this artist here...

Twilight nods towards an Artist painting a picture at an easel.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...And commissioned her to paint me a color copy of it.

ARTIST

Done!  Take a look!

Twilight comes over.  The magazine picture of Fluttershy is propped up on a smaller stand for the Artist’s reference.  Next to it, the larger painted portrait shows... Rainbow Dash.  Wearing the exact same outfit.  The exact same makeup.  The exact same meek facial expression.  The exact same timid tilt to her body.  

Only Dash’s shorter rainbow mane remains truly different from Fluttershy’s, but even that has been finely, elegantly stylized, (at least in its own unique way.)  

Twilight needs a few seconds to accept the mad discrepancy of it all.  

TWILIGHT SPRKLE

W...well!  It’s... TRULY beautiful!

ARTIST

I did what you said!  I copied exactly what I saw with my naked eyes!  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Thank you very much for a job well done.

She pays the Artist.

ARTIST

You know... I REMEMBER this girl!  She was just a flash in the pan, but she was a BIG flash!  Remember that brief little fad, where everypony was dyeing their mane rainbow-colored?!

Twilight laughs and nods at her.

ARTIST

Well, see you!

The Artist exits Twilight’s house, leaving Twilight alone with the portrait of Dash.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(speaking wistfully to the portrait)

Oh, Dash... the Old Rarity would’ve given up gems for a year to see you model like this.  Especially for her.  And the Old You would’ve clipped your wings before agreeing to it.

(laughs sadly)  

Still, I think you’d have absolutely LOVED to’ve seen everypony with rainbow mane like yours.  It would’ve been Heaven for you.  

(brief pause)

I miss you so much.

She studies the portrait.  Rainbow Dash DOES look VERY ravishing, all dressed to the nines like this.  Twilight licks her lips quickly before any drool can escape.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Why oh WHY did you have to be bent?

Sighing, she picks up the portrait with telekinesis.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, time to go put this with everything else we’re hiding from Rarity.

Question 10:  Jet Howitzer Asks:

Dear Mike Teavee:

Just from one author to another, about how long do you write in a single sitting?  Do you just sit and write an entire chapter in one go, or is it broken up into many sittings?  I'm just curious because I like to get a comparison between myself and other authors whom I like.

MIKE TEAVEE

When I first began writing Divided Rainbow, I used to be able to write a chapter in a day, because the chapters, themselves were so much smaller.  Now I do break it up into many sittings, but I’m always adding SOMETHING to it, every day.  I usually end up writing at least five pages, even when I set out to restrict myself to just one.