Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Four:  Best Cord

Spoilers Up To Chapter 12

Question 1:  SpinelStride Asks:

Does Lero have a resistance to magic?

LERO

(sighs heavily)

As far as magic goes, Twilight knows a lot more than I.  For whatever reason, my body has resistance to CERTAIN magics... but not EVERY one.   My body can be juggled very easy with telekinesis.  Flames will still burn me, whether they come from ordinary combustibles, flammable liquids, electrical fires, dragon breath, or a unicorn’s horn.  I can be chilled by conjured frost.  I can drink conjured water.  On and on and on.  

Lero looks to the left.  There is a unicorn mare straining to cast a magic spell on the human.

LERO

But as I said, my body is resistant to certain magics.  Most notably transformative spells... anything that’d change my body into some other form.  Healing magic, too, to a somewhat lesser extent.  But it’s almost never a question of me being IMMUNE to a given spell...

The unicorn gives it an extra spurt of effort... and Lero is transformed into an adorable bunny.  Squealing in delight, the unicorn scoops Lero in her arms and nuzzles him.

LERO THE BUNNY

...It’s just a question of more exertion on the spellcaster’s part.  What gets me, though, is that because I’m resistant to CERTAIN magics, a good number of scientists and anthro... sorry,  hippologists feel duty-bound to test EVERY page of the spellbook on me.

He sighs and shakes his head while being snuggled.

Question 2:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight, Lero, and Spike,

What would you do if everyone liked how the swap happened? For example, if Fluttershy ended up with Rarity's cutie mark, Fluttershy might have enjoyed running the Boutique and been more confident in her artistic inclinations, while Applejack probably could have settled in quite nicely taking care of Fluttershy's animals and not constantly worried about finances; Rainbow Dash might find that picking every apple in an orchard in ten seconds flat is even more of a challenge than sky-clearing (and she'd be able to set aside whole barrels of cider for herself); Pinkie Pie would probably love using her Pinkycopter to clear the skies and make cloud-shapes (also, there would be a lot of Pinky-and-pinkies jokes about Lero and her); Rarity could have been extremely happy as the most elegant and prolific party organizer Equestria's ever seen. It's easy to make the decision to fix things when everyone's miserable, but what if they were all happier than they'd ever been?

SPIKE

Rarity as a party planner?  ...I’d’ve been TOTALLY down with that!  Every day I’d go to visit the love of my life... it’d either be a party or a party in the planning!  And it’d be cool seeing how being the Element of Laughter would affect her sense of humor!  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well... I have to say, Mr. Stride, sir... after consulting my feelings, I honestly WOULD still pursue a cure, even if Starswirl’s spell made my friends happier than ever before.  My reasoning would be twofold.

She takes a sip of water from a glass.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First: Princess Celestia, herself, had ordered me to complete the unfinished spell.  Like it or not, I’d never go against her orders.  Princess Celestia knows best, she always has everypony’s best interest at heart, and I am her faithful student, now and forever.  Second... well, after seeing how happy the INCOMPLETE spell made my friends, I’d have been REALLY EAGER to see what the COMPLETE spell did!

LERO

The Swap being an IMPROVEMENT in those five’s lives?  And Pinkie Pie being my Replacement Dash, instead of Rarity?  

(thinks about it)

Well... let me first put this in terms of what I’m going through now.  Rainbow Dash has always been, and will always be my first love.  But I honestly cannot deny that I’ve developed a... fondness for Rarity.  I appreciate them both.  

(chuckles softly)  

In light of that... I could easily see myself developing that same fondness for Pinkie Pie, were she in that role.  She’d be a wonderful pony to live with, wonderful to love.  So energetic and affectionate.  And yet... sad or happy, for better or for worse... I think I’d still do what I’m doing right now.  Chase after Dash, and help her with what she was doing on the side.  Try my best to hold onto ALL of her -- body AND soul -- Pinkie AND Rainbow -- not just content myself with one or the other.

(smiles)

Yeah, Sweet Apple Acres would be seeing a new volunteer farmhand.  I imagine Dash would sound mighty cute with a Southern accent.  I’d keep at it until either A) Dash made it clear she just wasn’t interested or B)...

(Lero actually blushes)

...You know, I could see the Apple Family being terrific in-laws.

SPIKE

I’d just love to hear the story of how PINKIE PIE beat that giant spider!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

P.S. -- Mr. Stride, I love how you say, “It's easy to make the decision to fix things when everyone's miserable,” as though we’ve all had an easy time of things here!

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Discord: Have you found a way to use your chaos constructively?

DISCORD

You’re looking at it right now, my friend!  Everything I’m doing with my bewitchment!  

(He giggles)

Talk about role reversals!  CELESTIA’S the one who ushered all this Chaos in, in the first place, while I’M the one playing Guardian of Stability and Order!  The irony’s so delicious, you could slather it on a tin roof sundae!  

Question 4:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Discord: I'm curious what an average day in the life of Discord would be like. Heaven forbid you have a routine or something.

Discord sighs ruefully.  

DISCORD

Believe it or not, I do have a routine these days.  Keeping the bewitchment running glitch-free is a full-time job!  Ugh!  Sometimes, I have to bend time sideways and add several hours to a given day, just to have a little time for myself!  

He stretches an alarm clock out like it was made of rubber.  

DISCORD

First, let me specify that I have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER over all the “memories” that rotten, misbegotten spell of Starswirl's fabricates for those five.  I’m just in charge of all the REST of the population I’ve bewitched, and making sure THEIR memories AND their very lives dovetail with reality as the Swapped all see it!

He pulls a projection screen down from thin air.

DISCORD

Let me give you just one example of how maddening all this micromanagement is.  Because Rainbow Dash’s memories are telling her she never wanted to be a Wonderbolt, do you know what that resulted in?  I had to bring Lighting Dust, (remember her, brony fans?) back to the Wonderbolt Academy.  Yeah, she’s back to being a cadet... although to hear HER tell it, she’d never left to begin with.

The projection screen shows Lightning Dust back in her cadet uniform.  

DISCORD

Because Dash-The-Fluttershy was “never THAT interested in the Wonderbolts,” she logically wouldn’t have gotten to be Dusty’s wingpony, and she wouldn’t have done what she did that got ol’ Dusty booted from the Wonderbolts Academy, right?  So I had to go in and alter everypony else’s memories to reflect all that!  

The projection screen shows Lightning Dust in her bedroom, surrounded by Wonderbolts memorabilia, weeping into her pillow.  Discord appears and taps her on the back of the head.  In a trance, Lightning Dust slips into her old cadet uniform and leaves her house.  

DISCORD

  I teleported to Dusty’s house, bewitched her into sleepwalking...

The screen shows Lightning Dust flying out from her cloud home.

DISCORD

Well, sleep-flying... back to her Academy dorm room...

There’s a security guard out by the Academy entrance.  Discord taps him: he, too, falls into a trance.  And when the entranced Lightning Dust appears, he unlocks the door and lets her in.

DISCORD

...jigger the memories of Dusty, her teachers, her classmates, etcetera, so that they don’t remember Dusty ever LEAVING the Academy...

A montage of Discord tiredly tapping every student and staff member’s head.

DISCORD

...AND fill Dusty’s head with all the flying lessons she's missed.  

Now Lightning Dust is seen learning flying techniques, doing exercises, and uncaringly endangering her fellow cadets, while being praised by her teachers.  

DISCORD

And that’s just one example!  Don’t even get me STARTED on all the mares and stallions that Rarity believes she’s dated before meeting Lero!  

(groans)

So... many... BUTTERFLY EFFECTS...!

The projection screen goes black.  

DISCORD

The longer those five remain Swapped, the more that they’ll come to “remember,” or be FORCED to “remember,” if they’re put on the spot.  Occasionally, even I’LL overlook some detail.

The projection screen now shows Rarity talking with Spike.

RARITY

This morning, when I couldn’t find my old ID, or any of my paperwork, I flew straight to the Weather Board to replace what I was missing!  You’re not going to believe this, but when I got there, it turned out they had NO FILES on me AT ALL.  NONE.

SPIKE

No files at all?  You mean like... you were never actually part of the Weather Ponies to begin with?

RARITY

Exactly!  It was the spookiest, eeriest thing!  I mean, I’ve been working as a Weather pony for YEARS, long before I ever met any of the rest of you!  And for all that documentation to simply VANISH...!

He snaps his fingers and the projection screen vanishes.

DISCORD

Sometimes, I wonder why I go to all this trouble.

REPLICA FLUTTERSHY

(sweetly)

Oh, come now.  You know why.

The Replica Fluttershy trots up.  Discord smiles and hugs her.

DISCORD

Yeah, I do.  If this bewitchment were pulled apart before your real-life counterpart were cured... my good friend Fluttershy would turn into a murdering psycho.  And I could never allow that to happen.  So I’ll uphold this bewitchment for as long as it takes, even if Twilight Sparkle ends up never finding a cure.

Question 5:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord:  Any truth to the rumors that you and Celestia have a thing?

Discord and Celestia stand right next to each other.

DISCORD

I can neither confirm nor deny any such rumors.

Celestia smiles a sidelong smile at Discord.  Her horn glows.  Discord gives a JOLT, as though his butt were just pinched.  Then he returns Celestia’s smile.

Question 6:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight,

How physically tough is a unicorn's horn? Considering that pegasi feathers are so exceptionally durable, it seems likely that a magic-channeling horn would probably also be very strong and hard to damage. If so, how far around the base does that durability extend? It wouldn't do much good to have a super-durable horn if it could break the skull around it on impact, so I would imagine that a large portion of the front of the skull would have to be similarly strong.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Pick any horned animal you know.  Bulls, rhinos, rams, narwhals... unicorn horns are about as tough as the horns on all those.  They’re durable enough, but far from indestructible.  A unicorn needs to protect her horn as fervently as any other body part.  

Question 7:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

At the moment, the entire world is literally in your power, with the specific acquiescence of the Princesses and the lone remaining non-swapped bearer of an Element of Harmony. It does seem to take a bit of work to keep everything more or less coherent, but you're discord, not chaos - society isn't collapsing but just about everyone is unhappy with their current state, leading to a surfeit of internal and external discord. So with small-d discord running rampant, doesn't it make sense that having fun with it, as Lero and Rarity did, is in fact the only sensible thing for anyone to be doing right now?

DISCORD

I know, right?!  Why can’t more ponies be as sensible as those two are?!  Especially Lero.  There’s a guy I’d love to Swap with!   Life gives him lemons, he makes lemonade!  The lemons turn to apples, he makes applesauce!  The apples turn to gophers, and he’ll bake you a farm-fresh gopher pie!  ALL mortals should have him as their role model!  Chaos storms down upon his head,   and what does he do?!

Discord places a record on a gramophone, and plays it.  It’s Lero, himself, singing Raindrops Are Falling On My Head, with full orchestral accompaniment.  

DISCORD

He sings in it!  He drinks it all up!  He becomes one WITH the chaos!  

Discord, himself, proceeds to dance to the tune.  

DISCORD

You don’t know HOW TEMPTED I AM to snap my fingers and just for ONE DAY, bewitch every pony on this world to be just like him!  I might even DO it someday!  That... or transport our favorite human straight to Chaos College to complete his education properly!  Rarity, too!  They really ARE such good influences on each other, and just the cutest couple you could imagine!  Wouldn’t you agree?

Question 8:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

       I bet you could have a blast teaching Swapped Fluttershy to be a prankster...

DISCORD

Oh, I do... on the days where she’ll LET me.  See... with the Identity Swap being what it is, RAINBOW DASH is the one accepting credit for having reformed me and becoming my first friend, not Fluttershy.  In the Pre-Swap days, Pinkie Pie was still a bit iffy on me, and that passed over to Fluttershy, Post-swap.  Some days Fluttershy DOESN’T want anything to do with me...

FLUTTERSHY

I heard YOU inspired Rarity and Lero to cause chaos on Main Street that other night!

She slams the door in Discord’s face.  

DISCORD

Other days, she’s more open-minded.  

A bang snap sits balanced on a doorknob.  Mrs. Cake opens the door from the other side, balancing a triple-layer cake on her head.  The bang snap falls off the knob, explodes on the floor, producing a magnificent BANG!

MRS. CAKE

AAAH!!!

The layered cake splatters all over Mrs. Cake’s mane.

FLUTTERSHY & DISCORD

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!

Question 9:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Foal Who Sneezed Wonderbolts Action Figures,

Did you at least get Soarin and Spitfire, or were they all not-really-Wonderbolts?

We are in the bedroom of Uprush, the foal-who-sneezed Wonderbolts action figures.  Uprush is pulling out a steel box from underneath his bed.

UPRUSH

Hate to say it, but every one of the action figures I sneezed out back when that drackerquess-thing... came and turned Ponyville into Weirdsville... none of them were REAL Wonderbolts.

Uprush opens the box and overturns it onto his bedroom floor.  

UPRUSH

As you can see: sixty percent of these ‘Wonderbolts’ are of FLUTTERSHY!

Uprush lets out a small scream of indignation.

UPRUSH

But she wasn’t the only one!  There was also...

He picks up an action figure.

UPRUSH

(unhappily)

My mean old principal, as a Wonderbolt...

He picks up another action figure.

UPRUSH

My cat’s veterinarian, as a Wonderbolt...

Another action figure.

UPRUSH

The grumpy old fatso who runs the comic book shop, a Wonderbolt!

Then the kid smiles.

UPRUSH

But it’s not ALL bad!

He picks up several action figures at once.

UPRUSH

Look!  My father, my mother, my other mother, my other other mother, my other other other mother and all my sisters as Wonderbolts, AAAAANNDD....!

He drops all the rest of the action figures to pick up one special one,  glowing with joy.  

UPRUSH

(very happy)

ME!  A Wonderbolt!  

Question 10:  Zontargs Asks:

Dear anyone-with-an-opinion:

A hypothetical scenario: somehow, volunteers from the human world are given a chance to go to Equestria. To avoid some of the obvious problems, the trip is one-way, only transports humans, and includes some sort of magical lie-detector test, so we can skip any of the "humans invade / overthrow the government / strip-mine the countryside / exploit ponies" bits. Let's assume (ask Pinkie why) that the volunteers number in the thousands, have roughly the opposite sex ratio to that of ponies, are Lero's age +/- 7 years or so, aren't a bunch of criminals or ne'er-do-wells, and actually like ponies and Equestria.

So, roughly what do you expect to happen (short- and long-term), and is this good for Equestria?’

Lero brings several ingredients over to the kitchen to make a meal.

LERO

Well, one thing I DON’T see happening is that all these thousands of human immigrants will dive headfirst into entering pony herds, like I did.  Some will.  Some won’t.  I believe that humanity definitely deserve a foothold in Equestria... especially if there weren’t any bad people who’d crossed over from Earth.  At the risk of sounding like a complete hypocrite, I think it’d actually be better if humans tried to stick with marrying humans, for at least the first couple generations or so, just so we could swell our numbers.

He pours water into a large pot and sets it on the oven, then brings out carrots and celery and chops them up into bite-sized pieces upon a cutting board.

LERO

What I see happening in the long run is this: more technology for Equestria.  Cars, credit cards, portable video games, the internet, phones that connect you to the internet and have a bajillion apps... mankind would MISS all their toys from the old world too much.  I know I would.  I imagine that out of those thousands of immigrants, there have to be SOME engineers, SOME computer programmers that’d set to work reinventing the internal combustion engine and the microchip and such from scratch.  It’d be really sweet, I think, bringing Equestria into the Information Age.

Lero is done chopping up the vegetables.  

LERO

Just between you and me, I’d’ve like to have seen whether I could've attract some very, very, very VERY open-minded woman into my herd.

(sighs)

But I'm not complaining. I already have blessings aplenty.  

He slides all the chopped vegetables into a bowl.