Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Three:  Lero's Lyrafication, Lyra's Lerofication

Spoilers Up To Chapter 11

Twilight Sparkle is out on the street, shining a gigantic Bat-Signal-sized searchlight over the full moon.  The silhouette of Tommy Wiseau’s face overshadows it.

DISCORD

You rang?  

Discord drops next to Twilight, on top of a giant rubber platypus.  Without a word, Twilight leads the draconequus into her house, and up to her bedroom.  She flings the covers off the bed, exposing the sleeping Spike and Lero.  

Swapped Spike has a pair of briefs on him.  Swapped Lero wears nothing.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

YOU made this mess, so YOU fix it!

DISCORD

(sighs)

Fine.

Discord snaps his fingers.  The still-sleeping Spike pulls his briefs off his body, while Lero rises up, sleepwalking over to his underwear drawer.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now, uh... about my OTHER friends...

Discord sticks his tongue out.  

DISCORD

YOU made that mess, so YOU fix it!

And he disappears.  Twilight sighs.

Question 1:  Zontargs Asks:

Dear Twilight: Princess Celestia has given you many mysterious tests and missions over the years, and you always seem to pull things off even when she doesn't give you all the information you'd really need. Have any of them ever turned out badly? (Smarty Pants doesn't count.)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, there WAS this one time where the Princess put me in charge throw a  party for her good friend, the Countess Gorgeous Ribbon.  It would’ve gone SO WELL, if only the Princess had thought to mention how deathly allergic the Countess is to arugula.

Twilight hangs her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(soft murmur)

Tongue swelled up like a balloon... filled her whole mouth... Had to rush her to the hospital, right away... still, it was MY fault, not the Princess’... I’m the one who should’ve asked about allergies...

Question 2:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra: Have you asked Lero about human-style martial arts?

LYRA

Hey, Lero!  I was curious... do humans have their own martial arts styles?

LERO

Ha ha ha!  Absolutely, we do!  All kinds of martial arts!  We have styles like karate, judo, tae kwon do, aikido, CQC, ninjitsu, jujitsu... even a fun one called the Drunken Fist Style!  And just off the top of my head.

Deeply intrigued, Lyra settles down on her haunches.

LYRA

Fascinating!  Tell me more, please.  Like... what distinguishes the aikido style from that of jujitsu?

LERO

Uh... um.... ehhh... don’t quote me on this, but I think Drunken Fist style requires you to get drunk first.

LYRA

Really?  In my experience, drunks can be dangerous enough, but they make for some of the sloppiest, most uncoordinated combatants a fighter could face.

LERO

............uh...........  

Question 3:  SpinelStride Comments:

Dear Lyra: If you are considering creating a new form for Lero to learn for self-defense against pony opponents, I recommend calling it 'Screaming Monkey Style' or 'Active Path' depending on whether Lero can be convinced to let out Tarzan yells when he uses it

LYRA

Well... here’s the thing, I actually DO wish to develop a martial art style for Lero to learn.  And Lero, himself, is just as excited by the idea.  But being a quadruped and a magic user, I simply do not feel confident enough that I can be the one to teach him.  At least, not by myself!

A bearded and extra-burly minotaur in his middle ages steps into view, standing beside Lyra.

LYRA

Here’s the thing; when there’s something about Lero that we, his herdmates, are struggling to figure out, Twilight Sparkle will dive for the primate books.  However, I prefer to consult the minotaur books... or better yet, a real-life minotaur friend.  Minotaurs, when you get right down to it, are the closest analogue to humans our world has... far more so than any ape.  

Both Lyra and the minotaur smile.

LYRA

Minotaurs are bipedal, omnivorous, sapient, and what’s more, they have hands just like Lero’s.  So with that said, please allow me to introduce a very dear friend and colleague of mine: Brass Knuckles, grandmaster of the Red Cape Path.

Brass Knuckles takes a respectful bow.

BRASS KNUCKLES

Greetings.

LYRA

Next year, our entire herd is planning on taking a sabbatical to Brass’ dojo, at the summit of Mt. Longhorn.  Between Brass’ knowledge of bipedal combat, and my knowledge of Lero, we’re confident that we can form a good unarmed fighting style that he can fall back on, and hopefully enjoy learning!  

BRASS KNUCKLES

It will be a worthy challenge, customizing a style for this human to learn!  

LYRA

As for ‘Screaming Monkey Style’ or ‘Active Path,’ we’ll leave the  naming for after we develop the style.

Question 4:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra: Does the Still Way include non-magical combat elements that would enable a Still Way grandmaster to effectively fight a magically-resistant opponent?

BARON EVILLY MCVILLAINGUY

Ha ha ha ha!  Like the new armor I’m wearing, Lyra?!  Thanks to this Defictionalizer Gun, I phased it into existence straight from this comic book!  It’s magic-repelling armor, so all your super-special Still Way spells will bounce off me and back onto you!  You may as well surrender now!

Lyra bends herself downward, performing a full circle floor sweep kick, knocking the Baron onto his back, then stamps down mercilessly on his gonads.

LYRA

It’s a poor martial arts style that relies on just one body part to attack and defend herself, instead of her entire body. Even if that body part IS the horn.

Question 5:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight: In the hypothetical event that the effort to find a cure resulted in Lero being temporarily ensconced in unicorn form (let's say into Lyra's body, and she into his), how long do you think it would take you to teach Lero to use his magic at the level of at least an ordinary unicorn's everyday usage? That is, able to readily manipulate objects with a telekinetic field, without any 'signature spells' like Rarity's gem-finding spell. Also, what would your teaching style be?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Okay, Lero... Lyra... from what I can gather, it seems that instead of an Identity Swap, like what Rainbow Dash and Rarity have got, you two have something a little bit different ... a straight-out Body Swap.  

LYRA-AS-LERO

Why am I even here?!  We’ve just released Chapter Twelve at this point in time!  According to Mike Teavee’s story outline, I’m not even scheduled to arrive at Ponyville until Chapter F...!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Don’t worry about that, Lyra.  Er... Lero.  This whole scene we’re now in is not so much a part of Divided Rainbow canon as an artificial ‘if’ construct to answer some reader’s hypothetical question.  So the main story’s continuity is safe and secure.

LYRA-AS-LERO

That’s a relief!

LERO-AS-LYRA

Never mind that!  I’m a... I’m a... am I really a GIRL now?!  Am I a ‘her?’  A ‘she?’

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Afraid so, Miss Mare.  My bad.

LERO-AS-LYRA

AARRRGGGHHH!!!  Swapping’s confusing enough when everyone’s the same sex!  Now we’re throwing gender and gender identity into the mix!

The unicorn, (who doesn’t have a cutie mark) breaks down crying, while the human nuzzles her cheek.

LYRA-AS-LERO

There, there, Fingers.  At least we know who we’re supposed to be.

LERO-AS-LYRA

‘Fingers...’ that nickname isn’t even RIGHT for me any more!

LYRA-AS-LERO

Would you rather I call you ‘Horny?’  

LERO-AS-LYRA

I’ll stick with Fingers.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, until I find a way to fix THIS muck-up as well, you’re going to have to learn how to get along with a horn instead of hands.

Twilight levitates several HEAVY textbooks over, and plops them in front of Lero the unicorn.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You can start by reading these.

LERO-AS-LYRA

(aghast)

ALL this?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Research first, then practical application!  That’s the only proper way to learn!  Call me when you’ve finished!

The purple unicorn trots out of the room.  The first book has fallen open.  Lero reads a page with growing incomprehension.  

LERO-AS-LYRA

“Cellular structure of the...” -- how do you pronounce this word?

Lero tries turning a page with a hoof: no good.  She then attempts using her horn like a finger; and looks incredibly silly.  Finally, she tries biting down on the bottom of the page to turn it that way... but bites too hard and ends up tearing the page halfway off.

LERO-AS-LYRA

Oh no!

LYRA-AS-LERO

Hey, Lero?  How do you lift your leg?

LERO-AS-LYRA

What do you mean?  You just think about lifting your leg and it lifts.

LYRA-AS-LERO

Alright.  Now I want you to close your eyes.  Just imagine reaching out and turning the page of that book in a pitch-black room.

Lero does as instructed.  Her eyes snap open as the sound of the page being turned.  Wide-eyed, he flips through the whole book using only his telekinetic field.  

LERO-AS-LYRA

Whooooooooaaaa, COOOOOOOOL!  

Giggling like a child, Lero encases the entire book in her telekinetic field: lifting it up, bringing it down, then floating it 360 degrees around her head.

LYRA-AS-LERO

(smiling)

Now let’s go outside, little filly.  I’ll show you how we unicorns bounce a ball!

Lero skips after Lyra.

LERO-AS-LYRA

Yay!  Ball-bouncing!  I’m way more excited about this than I have any right to be as an adult!

Question 6:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fluttershy: What did the mare say to her tail when she went into heat? "Take a hike." What does it mean when Pinkie's thighfur twitches? Someone's about to go down on her. What did Spectrum Blitz say when his five mares went into heat and he could only handle four? "This needs to be about 20% cooler." Ahem. So! Thought about adding more risqué material?

FLUTTERSHY

Oh?  You want risqué?  I GOT risqué!

Fluttershy clears her throat demurely, then takes a deep breath.

FLUTTERSHY

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?   A cucumber!  What’s the difference between being horny and being hungry?  Where you put the cucumber!   What do dogs and nearsighted gynecologists have in common?  Wet snouts!  What do those same gynecologists also have in common with pizza delivery ponies?  They can smell it, but they can’t eat it!    What do you call a teenage filly who doesn’t masturbate?  A liar!  How is a vagina like the weather?  Once it’s wet, it’s time for you to come in!  What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?  Your job never stops sucking!

Question 7:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fluttershy: Have you thought about making some marshmallow-filled Cupcakes?

Within a kitchen that’s got blood splatters all over the walls, floor, and oven, Fluttershy brings a large silver platter full of cupcakes to a table.  The cupcakes are decorated in white-and-purple icing, each topped with a candy likeness of a certain rainbow-bolt cutie mark.  

Fluttershy takes one of these cupcakes and bites it in half: showing its gooey, marshmallowy insides, as well as burnt fur and small shreds of meat.  Then she casts a deranged smile at a cold, limp, figure laying on a countertop in a pool of red liquid.

FLUTTERSHY

Hey, Rarity!  What’s the difference between best friends and onions?  I cry when I cut up onions!  AH HA HA HA HA!!!!

MIKE TEAVEE (V.O)

This scene was brought to you from an alternate universe in which Lero Michaelides managed to properly prove to Fluttershy, (while she was still swapped) that she wasn’t actually supposed to be the Element of Laughter.  

Question 8:  Genesis1212 Asks:

Dear Twilight,

       Whenever Lyra returns home do you plan on her helping you out with research on the cure your working on? true your the only one who can perform the spell but surely there must be SOME way to help speed the process up two head ARE better then one after all.

(Insert smiley face here.)  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First step is to see how well Lyra acclimatizes to our new ‘living arrangements’ with Rarity.  There’s no way of telling until she’s actually here.  Then I’m pretty much going to play it by ear.

She magically draws a smiley face back at Genesis.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Sorry I can’t give you a better answer than that.  

Question 9:  Genesis1212 Asks:

Dear Mike,

        Seeing as this is a great story you've written in the Leroverse I have a curious question nagging at me; is this your first time writing a fanfic? and if so why write your first story in the Leroverse?

Mike Teavee swivels around from his laptop.

MIKE TEAVEE

Actually, Genesis, yes, this is the first fanfic of my very own, although I have had experience editing and proofreading those of others.  As to why my first story should be set in the Xenoverse... it’s because I’m fascinated by the Xenoverse.  The polygamy, the matriarchal society, the view into the physiology and psychology of the sapient ponies, Lero's altruism, and the love that Lero shares and inspires in every member of his herd.  And when I started envisioning how the Magical Mystery Cure episode would actually PLAY OUT in the Xenoverse... well, this storyline basically wrote itself.

Mike takes a sip of his energy drink.

MIKE TEAVEE

Furthermore, the Xenoverse was the perfect setting for a story such as this because both its readers and writers LOVE to explore subjects from polygamy to equine biology from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE.  And that’s how I wanted to present and examine the Swap: from EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE.  Not simply the comedic aspects alone... but the hardship, heartache, and headache... as well as the potential for something more besides.  Of the strong turning weak and the weak turning strong.   Of navigating through foggy ethics and moral quagmires.  Of nothing being easy.  Of staying true to old loved ones.  Of finding the room in your heart for new loved ones, even if you’re not entirely sure you should.  The exploration of friendship and family, loyalty and altruism, adaption and steadfastness, perseverance and endurance, love and devotion when everyone’s roles are suddenly exchanged.  I hope you all continue to enjoy it.