Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Two:  The Swapped Ponies Visit Camp Geiger

Spoilers Up To Chapter 11

Question 1:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra: How are you taking all of this madness?  It must be tough having something dreadful happen to your herd while you are away.  Any chance of cutting your trip short to go back to them?

Lyra Heartstrings is riding aboard a long-distance passenger train, sitting in a small, cramped bedroom suite.  

LYRA

Let’s see... how I am talking all this madness?  Mainly by doing my best not to let it all overwhelm me.  I’m always rereading every one of the letters my herd’s sent to me through Spike.  Every time, my emotions are running a gamut; amazement, sadness, shock, discomfort, feelings of unfairness... even laughter, at times.  I’m proud of my herd for handling themselves so well, yet their own confusion and frustration shouts to me from their letters.

She levitates her saddlebags to eye level, opening it, and drawing out all Twilight’s letters, flicking through them rapidly.

LYRA

Originally, with the first letter, I’d hoped for a quick solution; either Twilight would figure something out, or the magic would just fizzle out.  But the letters kept coming, showing me how this Swap situation was growing more and more complex.

She returns the letters to her saddlebags.

LYRA

Here’s how I make myself cope with it:  I separate myself from my emotions.  I force myself to look at the situation objectively.  Plan and strategize for what’s awaiting me at home with a clear mind.  Consider all possible angles.  It’s all I can do at this point, besides continue to travel back to Ponyville.

She drinks from a bottle of water.

LYRA

And the next bit, about how it ‘must be tough, having all this happen to my herd while I’m away.’  It is.  When I return home, they’ll all need me to be part of the solution.  They’ve been sending me all these letters to prepare me fully for what I’ll be facing at home.  Even so... the three of them will be far more experienced navigating the complexities of the Swap.  I just hope I can adapt quickly.  

She sets the water bottle down.

LYRA

Now, your last point about ‘cutting my trip short.’  That isn’t even the issue anymore.  My sabbatical is finished; I’m already homeward bound, traveling by train and by boat.  It’ll only be a few more days before I’m back with my herd again.

Lyra reopens her saddlebags, pulling out a particular letter.

LYRA

“My Sweet Songbird...”

She can’t quite bring herself to read further right now.  

LYRA

Out of everything I know about the Swap, I’m intimidated most by Rarity.  All her new familiarities, all that the Swap has bestowed her with!  By all accounts, Rarity now commands the elements as though she’s mastered them since girlhood, (her self-defeating compulsion to beautify the sky notwithstanding.)  All the new memories she has of herself AND US, both the false and the true.  Knowing that she’ll have such intimate knowledge of me, my habits, my strengths and weaknesses, and my body.  As with Twilight, she believes that she and I have been lovers for years.

She shakes her head.

LYRA

Even when you know all this well in advance, how do you begin to prepare yourself for something like that?  

Question 2:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Spike: So what happened behind those closed doors?

Swapped Spike, dressed in a button-down shirt, cargo pants, and shoes, sits on the couch beside Lero, naked as a bluejay.

SWAPPED SPIKE

You’re asking me?!  I don’t know and I don’t WANT to know.  It’s not like I was there!

Swapped Lero grins a smug and goofy grin.  He holds up his hands, waggling all ten figures.  

SWAPPED LERO

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle...

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Twilight: How do you feel about having Lero and Spike swapped? Any luck in putting them right?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh, I dunno.  I’m going to assume you’re not a complete pervert when I ask you: how’d YOU feel if a sibling of YOURS were to suddenly start kissing you as if he or she had premarital sex with you for YEARS?  And your actual boyfriend started acting like you were both siblings with a huge age gap between you?

Letting out a distressed noise, Twilight moves into the family room.  There’s an a Daring Do audiobook playing on a cassette player.  Rarity, Spike, and Lero all seem to have fallen asleep listening to it.

AUDIOBOOK NARRATOR

...slowly, Daring crept up the...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Want to know what keeps me going?  I look at where my life is now... and I’m often reminded of the LAST time my friends personalities were altered so completely.  By Discord.  And I take comfort knowing that in spite of everything else, my situation’s still ten times better now than THAT had been.  Why?

AUDIOBOOK NARRATOR

...Grabbing her machete just in the nick of time...

Twilight switches the cassette player off.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Because for as long as this problem’s gone on for, as confusing and maddening as the swaps are... when all’s said and done, two things HAVEN’T changed: they’re all still good people.  And we all still love each other.  

She kisses the sleeping Spike, still dressed head to toe.

SWAPPED SPIKE

(smiling, not opening his eyes)

Love ya, Twi.

She kisses the sleeping Lero, cuddled up by Rarity.

SWAPPED LERO

(smiling, not opening his eyes)

I love you, Twilight.

She bends to kiss Rarity, but Rarity intercepts her, lifting her head and kissing her lips, half-opening her eyes to smile at Twilight, then returning to sleep.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So I’m there for them every step of the way.  As for your second question?  It’s in the works.

She enters a side door.  There’s a sign on the doorknob that says, ‘KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING ON PAIN OF ELECTROCUTION.’

Question 4:  WolfeTrax Asks:

Rarity: You look absolutely delici—, er, stunning! Yes, stunning in your Wonderbolts outfit! Knowing your desire to be a Wonderbolt, would you consider giving up your job as a weather pony if you were offered a position as Official Spokespony?

Warily, Rarity gazes at her cutie mark, expecting its disapproval.  Gradually, her face registers astonishment, then she smiles in delighted amazement.

RARITY

I... I... I don’t believe it!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Truth be told, I was prepared to say that I’m too deeply embedded in Weatherwork to ever be able to leave it, but after consulting my feelings... my feelings have told me that I am willing to make an exception for The Wonderbolts!  Oh, what a thrill!  The Wonderbolts!  Excuse me, I must go and write up a cover letter and update my resume at once!  

She dashes out of the room, only to dash back.

RARITY

Though if I get hired, they probably won’t have me wearing that uniform as their Spokespony.  Sorry if that disappoints you.

Question 5:  WolfeTrax Asks:

Dear Lyra:  Clearly you have a very special affinity for your beloved human, Lero. Would you ever consider bringing another human stallion into your herd?

LYRA

Only if this other human stallion gets along nicely with Lero.  If it doesn’t work for the herd, it doesn’t work for me.

Question 6:  WolfeTrax Asks:

Dear Lyra: Is it true that you are always out of bubblegum? (extra points for getting the movie reference)

TRAIN ROBBER #1

GAAAAAH!!!!

Lyra twists a Train Robber’s wing at a devastating angle, chewing something between her teeth.

LYRA

From They Live, right?  Lero told me about that one.

Another Train Robber tries to sneak up on her from behind.  She bounces his body against the walls and floor with her magic.  

TRAIN ROBBER #2

AIIIEE!!!

LYRA

As for your question, well... here’s how I see the matter.  If you go to a place with two express objectives: chewing bubblegum and kicking ass...

She spits out the gum wad in her mouth and opens her saddlebags, showing FIFTY packets of flavored bubblegum.  

LYRA

Then it behooves you to prepare yourself to do plenty of both.  

She pops a new one in her mouth as she KICKS a locked door open; attracting the attention of all the bad guys in that compartment of the train.

LYRA

Otherwise, the job’s just halfway done.  

(chews, smiles)

Mmmm!  Watermelon!

Question 7:  Zontargs Asks:

Dear Twilight, Lyra, and Lero if he has any info on the subject: The Elements of Harmony seem to be at the core of any plans to deal with existential threats to Equestria. Back when Celestia and Luna were taking down evil kings and the like, they had access to the powers of the Elements. Now that the Elements are tied to Twilight and her friends, do the princesses have some sort of contingency plan in case one or more of you six are somehow incapacitated?

Swapped Spike BELCHES out a scroll.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Uggh!  Don't know how I'm EVER gonna get USED to that.

He unfurls the scroll.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Oh boy!  She responded!

(clears throat)

“Dear Mr. Michealides,

You had expressed curiosity in what contingencies plans we had in play, should one or more of the Element Bearers be incapacitated during a state of emergency.  We actually have several thousand of them, in fact, and they’re all enlisted in Equestria’s royal army, navy, air force, and mage force.  But aside from even that; as the Goddess of the Sun,  I have the power to amalgamate the Sun’s rays together into a gigantic orbital death beam, and fire it upon any target of my choosing.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia.”

Swapped Spike frowns.

SWAPPED SPIKE

Wait, there’s more written in a different handwriting.  Ahem:

“And I, the Goddess of the Moon, have the power to cause huge tidal waves to crash upon any country or continent I deem unworthy.”

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

“And as the Goddess of Love, I have the power to instill all my enemies with overwhelming and unquenchable carnal lust for such things as piranha schools, hedgehogs, candirus, quicksand pits, leghold traps, and Uranium-238.

Sincerely,

Princess Cadence

P.S. ...Surprised to hear from me?  

P.P.S. - But generally, the Elements of Harmony have always been our #1 go-to solution.  And we don’t want that to ever change.”

Question 8:  HollywoodMarine Asks:  

Swapped Dash,

The sand fleas and mosquitos are eating us alive out here at Camp Geiger and bug spray isn't working. Think you could come out here and get them to quit biting us?

Twilight Sparkle’s hot air balloon sets down at Camp Geiger.  Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Applejack all hop out.

RAINBOW DASH

So this is Camp Geiger, huh?  Looks...

EVERY SINGLE SAND FLEA AND MOSQUITO in a 20-mile radius swarms upon Dash at once.  Theirs is the same instantaneous hatred which the Infected in a Left 4 Dead game show surviving humans.  Even the ones who’re already busy drinking the blood of servicemen pounce upon Dash, until it looks like she’s transformed into a pegasus-shaped cloud of bloodsuckers!  

RAINBOW DASH

AAAAAHHHH!!! GET ‘EM OFF!  GET ‘EM OFF!  THEY’RE IN MY MOUTH!!!

She flies away in a panic.

ALL THE SERVICEMEN

Thanks, Dash!

Question 9:  HollywoodMarine Asks:  

Swapped Fluttershy,

We've been having MREs every day for the past week. Me and the rest of the guys here at SOI would really appreciate it if you could come bake something for us. No matter how bad it is we'll eat it.

Sponge cakes.  Red velvet cakes, layer cakes, molten chocolate cakes, pineapple-upside down cakes, all this and more, Fluttershy serves to the guys at SOI, who all dig in happily.  Along with glasses of ice-cold milk to wash it down with.  

FLUTTERSHY

I hope you like these!  They’re all from my bosses, the Cakes, who run a bakery!  I helped too.  I’ve actually been getting much better at baking!

(clears her throat)

Hey, stop me if you’ve heard this one!  Who can shave thirty times a day and still have a beard?

SERVICEMAN #1

(not missing a beat)

A barber.

FLUTTERSHY

(disappointed)

Oh... you HAVE heard that one.  Okay, how about this: what do you use to brush a bumblebee’s hair?

SERVICEMAN #2

A honeycomb.  

An awkward silence follows.  She looks around the table, then picks up a rhubarb pie.

FLUTTERSHY

Who wants to see me smash this into my face?  

Question 10:  HollywoodMarine Asks:

Swapped Applejack, I just got promoted to corporal. Think you could sew on my new patches and put the blood stripe on my blues trousers? Also as best pony, how do you feel about a man in uniform?

Applejack is with Corporal Hollywood Marine, using her sewing machine to sew his new patches on, and put the blood stripe on his blue trousers.  

APPLEJACK

Well, lemme tell yew, Corporal Marine, sir, up until this point in mah life, Ah’ve only seen one human.  Named Lero... Somethin’.  Know of him?

CORPORAL MARINE

Can’t say I do.

APPLEJACK

Mmm.  Anywho, the man wears clothes, but never uniforms like ya’ll got round here.  

Applejack pauses in her sewing, blushing a little bit at Corporal Marine.

APPLEJACK

Ah... ah hope yew don’t take this the wrong way, sir, what with me bein’ a pony and yew bein’ human but... there’s jest no denying yew DO look mighty fine in yer uniform.  All-a-yew do.    

CORPORAL MARINE

Hey, thanks.

APPLEJACK

The color scheme’s plenty nice enough, but as a sewing gal, what Ah most like is that it’s hardy, durable fabric for hardy, durable men.  We got soldiers down in Equestria, too.  Mah best friend’s brother used to be Captain of the Guard for our princess.

CORPORAL MARINE

What happened to him?

APPLEJACK

Married a different princess, and now rules by her side over an empire up north.  

CORPORAL MARINE

(laughs a bit)

I should be so lucky!

APPLEJACK

Ah respect what yew do here, Ah really do.  Yer a fighter.  So’m Ah... don’t let the sewing machine fool ya!  It’s the fighters who keep the world from enslavement!  From fallin’ to parasites!  It’s the fighters who stop the world from being thrown inta Chaos, and keep the Sun rising ev’ry morning!  

Corporal Marine laughs, and Applejack blushes again.

APPLEJACK

Best git off mah soapbox, Ah guess.

She’s done with her sewing.  She shows it off to Corporal Marine.  He nods in approval: the stitching on both his patches and his blood stripe are FLAWLESS.

CORPORAL MARINE

Whoa... THANK you!  This looks GREAT!

APPLEJACK

(eager, wistful hope)

Yah... yah’ll REALLY think so?  Ah sewed it RIGHT?  

CORPORAL MARINE

Well, maybe ONE little thing to fix.  Mind un-sewing your hat from the seat of my pants?

APPLEJACK

Huh?!

MIKE TEAVEE

Hello, everyone.  I'd like to give a special shout-out to Corporal Hollywood Marine, a fellow Xenophilia author.  Hollywood Marine COULD be doing what I'm doing: writing his Xenophilia fic in the peace and comfort of his own home.  Instead, he's chosen a nobler path: putting his life at risk in the name of defending Americans across the globe.  For that, I salute him.  Please give his story, From The Skies We Shall Reign, a look, and give him your best brony wishes.

Stay frosty, Corporal.  I'm rooting for you.