Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Six: Mister Michealides' Moviemaking

Spoilers Up To Chapter 35

Question 1: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero,

Concerning the how Minos idea, couldn’t they compare DNA to see if compatibility is even there? It would probably work out better than one night stands these cows are looking for.

LERO

Hate to say it, but this world’s scientists haven’t quite advanced their technology to the point where they can sequence DNA and determine compatibility, much less engineer a hybrid child.  It's part of the reason that Twilight's attempts at us having children have been magical rather than genetic engineering.  Maybe in five or ten years!  

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero,

I have to know, what does the alien from Alien look like? With all kinds of natural monsters that exist in this world what did they do to make this creature unique (outside of its convoluted but horrifying lifecycle)?

LERO

Ah, Alien… that was another fun one to work on!

He goes over and opens an old sketchbook of his.  

LERO

First, I want to start by saying that while I can draw simple things well enough… I’m no H. R. Giger.

He shows the readers pages full of failed attempts to draw Giger’s most iconic monster.  

LERO

So in case any of you find yourself in Equestria, I’ll tell you upfront: the Xenomorph in the pony version of Alien isn’t a carbon copy of Ridley Scott’s original.  

Lero sets the sketchbook down.

LERO

Still, I worked VERY hard with the directors and the art production team to nail down a solid look for our monster.  The director and I got to talking about the series, and I told her about how the human-spawned Xenos were mostly bipedal and had fingers and such, while in the third film, one of them infected… a dog or an ox or something, I forget which… but it was four-legged animal, so the Xeno that came out of it ran on four legs as well.  I’m not a huge fanboy, but I vaguely remember something about them using the DNA of their hosts to adapt to the environment they emerged into.  Perfect killing machines, all that.

He then pulls out a dog-eared script of Alien: Equestrian Edition.  It’s not the final draft.  

LERO

The director focused on that first.  She said that since this was a pony film where a space crew of ponies were the ones who’d be getting preyed upon, it’d only make sense that our Xenomorph was equine-shaped, overall.  I agreed with that.  But I also warned them that it HAD to look real and alive.  If it looked like some actor in a zippered suit, we might as well not bother.   Aside from that, well… um, if you look at Giger’s alien, it, well… I’m sorry, there’s really no way to say this delicately.  

Lero lets out a defeated breath.

LERO

...If you look at Giger’s alien, you’ll see that it basically amounts to a penis-monster.  A humongous, slimy, penis-monster.  Blacker than the Devil’s soul… all the better to lurk in the darkness and shadows, until the moment is just right for it to leap out and kill you.  Or worse.  

(pauses)

So I told the director all that, and she just loved it.  And that’s what we ended up making.  In essence, our Xenomorph looks kinda like a great black pirate cannon of a stallion’s part, set on four hoofed legs.  Maybe that sounds hilarious to hear me say it like that, but if you see the film for yourself, it’s still an eyeless horror, with that toothy-mouth-within-a-toothy-mouth thing, and the long stabby scorpion tail-thing… it really does work.  

He begins flipping through the script.

LERO

Another thing worth mentioning that ol’ Ridley Scott didn’t have to worry about: we had to decide WHICH kind of pony our Xenomorph would gestate in.  Would it be a pegasus or unicorn?  Maybe combine the two somehow?  But the director shot that idea down.  Said that the whole horror genre was lousy with demonic alicorn-monsters, especially thanks to the legends about Nightmare Moon.  Plus, gotta leave ideas for the sequels, too, you know?  Flying and magic-using aliens would be another level of horror, especially if ponies thought they had Xenomorphs ‘figured out’ from previous encounters with them.  So Kane…

He breaks off.

LERO

And I hope you’ll forgive me for interrupting myself like this, but I give credit to the director on the names.  This wasn’t the same mare who’d made the Back To The Future film.  Lambert stayed Lambert, Dallas stayed Dallas… she didn’t feel the need to ‘ponify’ their names.  And I also told her about Sigourney Weaver, and how Alien was her first big role.  How because all her ‘big name’ co-stars like John Hurt and Tom Skerritt were dropping off like flies, until it was only lil’ unknown no-name HER remained, that added to the overall terror, because no one at the time expected Hurt and Skerritt to die… well, then the director went out and specifically cast an unknown mare to play Ripley as well.  The girl did a great job, too.

There are all sorts of notes scribbled in pen from several different editors in the old script.      

LERO

But getting back to what I was talking about… we ended up casting an Earth Pony to play the part of Kane.  And that chest-burster… well, with a human, the stomach’s facing forward most of the time, but pony bellies are almost always facing the ground.  So we had him fall to his side in agony, and it kind of RIPS out of poor Kane’s gut like a can of soup in a sopping wet paper bag.  But the reason she wanted it to be an Earth pony was so they’d have to focus on what made our alien ALIEN.  Wings and magic are things ponies are used to.  Acid blood and headbites are a different story.  Plus, an Earth Pony alien would be strong and tough, still a terror even if not complex or unique.

He shuts the script.  

LERO

One last thing I’ll say; I almost kinda thought that a penis-monster might not be as scary in a matriarchy like ponies have, where the girls outnumber the boys so much… but I was wrong.  If anything, Alien worked BETTER as a horror story here than it did back on Earth.  After all, you’d be hard-pressed to think up a more horrible pregnancy than a Xenomorph’s.  

Question 3: Sweetolebob18 Asks:

Given how Rarity found out about her gem finding talent (episode 23 Cutie Mark Chronicles) would a Cloudsdale Rarity even know she could?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

As far as I know, Rarity the Weathermare doesn’t know she has the ability to uncover buried gems any more than Rainbow Dash the Caretaker knew she was a martial arts master.  And since it was a Cutie Mark Talent, and her mark is on someone else’s flank, I don’t even know if she could.  I honestly suspect the only reason she can do weather magic at all is because she’s got a cutie mark that is at least tangentially connected to weather.

Question 4: Warpd Asks:

Dear Mike:

Story has been long-running, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have to ask, what do you intend to do after you finish this story?

MIKE TEAVEE

One thing I am definitely going to do: you know about Into The Hedge, right?  That one interquel of Divided Rainbow being written by BadWolf9510?  Bad Wolf is the main author, but I’m an important collaborator.  Assuming Into The Hedge is still incomplete by the time Divided Rainbow’s been fully written, I’m going to stick around and help Bad Wolf finish it the rest of the way!  After that… who knows?  

Question 5: Kichi Asks:

Dear Spike,

Have you ever tasted meat and blood?  After all, maybe Lero or Twilight didn’t tell you, but dragons usually eat meat.

It’s morning and Spike is outside in a grassy area.

SPIKE

(a little hesitantly)  

I’ve eaten my share of meat, yeah.  And not just seafood, either.  Lero’s taken me to griffin restaurants.  He likes his pork, but I’m a big fan of lamb meat.  But it actually IS true that dragons, especially the more ruthless, cave-dwelling types, can be rather… bloody eaters.  Our fangs and fire aren’t just for show, you know.  

He observes a field mouse scampering across a field.  

SPIKE

I actually went through a… a phase of sorts back when I first learned this for myself.  A hunting phase, I guess you could call it.  You might not know, but for the earliest part of my life, I grew up in Canterlot Castle, being raised by Princess Celestia. Right after I was born, Twilight was too young to care for me herself, and busy with her lessons besides!  But anyhow, it seems dragons become self-sufficient before they learn how to talk, learning how to hunt; mostly small mammals and insects it seems.  I’d hunt squirrels and such in a forest close to Celestia’s castle, and mice within the castle, itself, sometimes.  I, uh, think the groundskeeper still has me officially banned from the palace gardens after I caught something, uh, rare.  Thanks to my fire breath, I never ate anything I caught ‘raw,’ of course, but sometimes undercooked, I guess you could say.  

Spike puffs out a bit of light smoke.

SPIKE

Princess Celestia gently reprimanded me for it, but I think she figured that a growing dragon probably needed it.  Remember, nopony really knows too much about dragons.  This continued up until one day when Twilight caught me at it, coming across me on the way to lessons.  I’ll never forget… first she had this look of horror, then forgiveness.  Like I was a cat who’d just nabbed a rat.  She took me back to Celestia, and we never said anything about it.  But I’ve never really hunted anything since then.

Question 6: Taffer Asks:

Dear Bellerophon,

If there was an Equestrian version of Back to the Future, is there perhaps an Equestrian version of The Bodyguard? It has a lot of things ponies should like romance, love, slow dancing in a country bar, songs, family, heroic rescues and Sapphire Shores would be perfect for Whitney Houston's role.  Please tell me it exists. Thank you.

LERO

Well… good news and bad news on that, Taffer.  Bad news: The Bodyguard ain’t been made yet here in Equestria.  Good news: it is on The List!

He opens a drawer and pulls out a piece of paper from a special envelope: it’s a list of Earth movies he wrote a while ago.  

LERO

With that said, let me tell you about The List… how this all got started.  See, a couple years ago, I was at this party in Canterlot with Twilight Sparkle.  One of the ponies I talked to was this movie director, name of Sundance.  She asked whether they HAD movies in the Human World… and I got to talking about some of our best films.  The timeless stuff.  Suffice it to say, Sundance was very interested.  Straight-up offered to make an adaption of a ‘human movie.’ Just because the novelty value of an ‘Earth movie’ adaption, alone would at least put her in the world records.  Y’know, ‘First Director Ever To Adapt An Extraterrestrial Drama.’

Lero returns The List to its envelope.  

LERO

But, y’know, in pretty much all things here in Equestria, I was, am, and always will be, humanity’s ambassador.  If I was going to have them adapt a movie of ours, I did not want it turning into a flop.  So I had to pick something with mass appeal.  I wanted our big Equestrian debut to be fairly family-friendly and have a happy ending. Something with a distinctly ‘human’ touch to it, that cast humanity in a good light, and would truly be new for an Equestrian audience, while not being too expensive for a filmmaker to produce.  I considered The Wizard Of Oz… but I mean, if I had one shot to showcase humanity… better to go for something more realistic than a pure fantasy.  In a land like Equestria, the ponies might walk away from The Wizard Of Oz thinking we actually have munchkins and winged monkeys on Earth or something!

He chuckles a bit.

LERO

Which was why I ultimately went with The Sound Of Music.  

(smiles wistfully)

Mom loved that one.  I know all the lyrics by heart.  

For a few distracted seconds, Lero starts humming the beginning of My Favorite Things, before remembering his listeners.  

LERO

Anyway, that one was a REAL hit.  So more directors began getting interested in ‘human movies.’  And I thought to myself that it’d be a good idea to make a list of all the best movies I was capable of fully remembering, and try to write them out while they were still relatively fresh in my mind.  And as long as there were directors and producers willing to make these movies, I might as well get them made before it all faded away from my mind.  And so I made The List.  And lucky for everyone, The Bodyguard happens to be on it, a bit further down.  I’ll tell you about it once we get to making it!

Lero suddenly gives the readers a cocky grin.

LERO

You guys have no idea how rich I actually am, do you?

Question 6: Warpd Taunts:

Dear Honeydew trapped inside Exit Wound (you probably don’t have a lovely beach):

I haven’t had anything to say to you for a while, thought you had enough attention as it was, but it is so entertaining where you have brought yourself. When you made your list of things we have said to you, I noticed that the majority of those were mine. To have gotten under your skin so easily is quite amusing.

INNER HONEYDEW

Rrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhh….

WARPD

Then the fire question, my my you are a fine example; though there is no putting out the flames you made. Little Dew you practically bathed yourself in alcohol before setting yourself on fire. Look at you now, your son cries out for a stranger who curses him, you are trapped in another’s body, and all bridges have been burnt to ash. All done by your hooves.

INNER HONEYDEW

Ggggggggghhhhhhhh….

WARPD

Just can't help but laugh.

Honeydew finds herself in an enclosure that is a hybrid of jail cell and indoors zoo enclosure.  Literally faceless pony prison guards are posted right outside her barred enclosure, deaf to everything she says.  Equally faceless human beings examine her from outside the bars, wandering in, perhaps snapping a picture or two, laughing or shouting indistinct words at her, and then moving on.

INNER HONEYDEW

I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t belong here I don’t…!!!!

Question 8: Ausbrony Writes:

To my Dearest Twilight Sparkle

I just want you to know, never give up. Princess Celestia saw something in you something powerful and special. She sent you to Ponyville to discover Friendship and learn all the intricacies of it. Times can and will be difficult, especially when you add love into the mix. But you have precious loved ones and family by your side to help you and I know that you will be able to solve this puzzle.

Sent with Best Wishes

Flare Blitz~

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Awww… bless your heart!  Don’t you worry, Blitzy, even if it takes me a while, I intend to do Princess Celestia proud!  This whole experience has made me into a better mare, and it really HAS taught me loads about friendship that I would never have learned otherwise.  We’ve all become better ponies for it!

LERO

Even me!

SPIKE

And me too, I guess!  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I appreciate every one of my friends and my loved ones!  We’re gonna make it through!  

FLARE BLITZ

P.S. My sources also tell that Rarity has a ticklish spot behind her left foreleg... Have fun~

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(mischievous grin)

Oh?  You mean THIS spot?

She gets to tickling behind Rarity’s left foreleg with magic.

RARITY

Hm, Twi...gahahahahaha… oh good...hoo...haa haa ahaah haaa…!!!!

Question 9: PhucknuckL Asks:

Dear Spike,

How did you discover the loophole for Applejack?

SPIKE

Loophole…?  Oh, THAT!  I just basically told AJ that she'd need to really freshen herself up for the sake of the customers.  

Spike’s currently reshelving books in Golden Oaks Library.

SPIKE

You see, it's tricky enough for an Earth Pony to do things like give herself a hooficure to begin with.  And while there ARE devices that'd ultimately help a do-it-yourselfer Earth Pony get around this, so she could glam herself up entirely on her own... wouldn't you know it… all of those gadgets were mysteriously absent from what was originally an all-unicorn household.  Of course, I would’ve LOVED to help her myself on this -- really, I would -- but darn the luck, I’m just too much of a BOY to know how to do things like hooficures and makeup!  ‘Better get on over to the spa, where the professionals are!’ I told her.  ‘For the sake of the boutique’s customers, of course!’

The little dragon laughs at the old memories, but it finishes in a bittersweet sigh.

SPIKE

Hope you’re doing alright, AJ...

Question 10: Kichi Asks:

Dear Lero:

How much do you know about self-defense?

Lero is in Golden Oaks Library.  From the next room over, Spike can be heard washing dishes.  

LERO

Honestly?  Not THAT much.  Part of it is… well, Equestria’s no Sin City, so I haven’t had to turn myself into Marv.  And I’m glad of that, frankly.  I’m not the sort of person who goes out of his way to pick fights, the way Honeydew did.  Don’t get me wrong, though.  Something seriously threatens me or my family or friends, and I will fight it. To the death, if need be.  We’ve mentioned before that Lyra’s planning on developing a martial arts style for me with the help of that one Brass Knuckles guy.  And especially in the wake of what happened with the Sicklefins… I can’t deny that I need to learn it.  Even Spike wants in on my lessons.

SPIKE

(calling from next room)

I’m two-legged!  I’ve got hands!  When the time comes, we should be learning this new jujitsu thingy from this minotaur guy together!  

Lero grins, almost as though he’s halfway considering taking him up on that.    

LERO

But all that’s next year.  Right at this moment in time… my ‘self-defense’ style is pretty much the same as Shaun’s from Shaun Of The Dead.  You know... grabbing something heavy and just whacking the threat with it until it stops moving.

Suddenly, Lero’s body sways, as though he’s experiencing a sense of dizziness.  

LERO

Though… you all know that before I came to Equestria… I lived in a different sort of world for a time… a world I escaped from.  And there are… gaps... in my memory…

He sits down in a chair.  Then his eyes reopen.  From his usual hazel, they have turned icy blue. He faces the readers and speaks:

THE LOST

"Self-defense?"

The Lost laughs, a harsh and bitter sound.  

THE LOST

That is a lie we tell ourselves. Defense, in its truest sense, is only half of a fight. We give it labels to make us feel better, to make sure our sense of morality is secure. We think that we are above conflict, that we would only act if we are acted upon.  It is a lie. Aggression. That is how you win. Some learn to use an opponent's movements against them, but in the end, it only through a truly finishing blow that we can claim victory.

The Lost gains a far-off, distant look in his eyes.

THE LOST

I have been schooled by warmasters that have had centuries of experience. They, in turn, learned from beings that know only conflict. Beings that... are not as we know.  Beings who embody the very idea of conflict and war. I have been in fights the like that have only existed in our oldest legends; waged wars that sagas were told around. I have killed... so many. Have ended... so many lives. All in... Her name. For Their plans.

The Lost's glare turns bitter.

THE LOST

So yes, I know many forms of 'self-defense'. Any so many more on how to kill. And I pray that I never, ever have to use them again.

The Lost spots a tiny spec of obsidian on a tabletop; a flake left over of one of Spike's special treats. He recalls the dark tunnels under the quarry. The wet sounds of a diamond dog's splattering against the rock walls.

THE LOST

But it always seems... I can never really escape it. It always comes back to surface...

Question 11: Kichi Asks:

To Herd Bellerophon:

What do you all usually do with the money? I mean, Lero must have a fortune with those movies he suggested.

With his hands tucked into his pockets, Lero tries his best to give a humble smile.

LERO

Well… not to put too fine a point on it, but… you’re not wrong.

KICHI

Twilight must get a nice stipend as the student of Princess Celestia and because she live in a public building, would have to pay almost nothing…

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(looking up from a book)

It does help!  One less bill to pay!

KICHI

Rarity must have a lot of money thanks to her job in the weather team.

RARITY

Well, I can’t rightly say I bring home the biggest salary in this family, but it’s reasonable!  

KICHI

And Lyra well... Im not sure about Lyra…

LYRA

As far as money goes, I earn most it it by performing as a musician in concerts.  

KICHI

Or RD...

RAINBOW DASH

(shyly)

I… um… I sometimes sell my animals to ponies who I know will give them good homes.  And sell my chickens’ eggs. Ponies also sometimes pay me to do veterinary work, or obedience training.

KICHI

What do you usually do with all that money?

SPIKE

(smirks a bit)

In other words: where’s the yacht?  And the gold-plated private island?

Twilight Sparkle shakes her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ponyville is where my best friends live!  And Princess Celestia assigned me to stay here to study the magic of friendship, and I certainly can’t do that on some lonely island!

RARITY

We’re saving our money in preparation for all the little ones we’re going to be having someday!  Save up so they can attend the finest preparatory schools and universities!

LERO

...And to fund Star Wars.

RARITY

Er… yes.  And that one special movie series my prince plans on personally directing, someday…

LERO

(fiercely under his breath)

I’ll do it RIGHT, Lucas… I’LL actually do your whole epic RIGHT…!

Question 12: GavinFoxx Asks:

Herd Bellerophon:

I've recently noticed that Twilight has been getting more comfortable with casting spells that change the form of ponies somewhat, for things like gender and possibly species.  It occurs to me that consensual, limited, safe, targeted, intentional and temporary are incredibly, ridiculously useful!  Are you going to more broadly start using this sort of thing? Whether in Herd Bellerophon life or in Element Business?

The members of Herd Bellerophon are listening to this questioning intently.  

LERO

Essentially, you’re asking us if our whole herd’s gonna become like Beast Boy from Teen Titans?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Like who?  And from what now?

LERO

I’ll explain in a bit.

GAVINFOXX  

Because shape-changing and friendly-style (with lots of caveats and safeguards and trust, of course) mind changing is just so overpowered it isn't funny.  

Lero turns to his herdmates.

LERO

You know, he has a point…

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, shape-shifting magic is difficult, power-intensive, and potentially dangerous- the only reason I’m using it more often now is because I’ve been practicing for months as part of our efforts to have foals, as well as the fact that Starswirl’s book contains his notes towards shapeshifting magic.  That said, I’m listening...

GAVINFOXX

Need to do some task that is hard for ponies, like sneaking, since the bright colors and hard hooves aren't really good for camouflage or subtlety? Switch to a form better for it!

In the dead of night, a mean, gigantic scary dragon is peering through the forest trying to spot a certain pony with a bright cyan coat and rainbow mane.  

Thankfully, Rainbow Dash has turned herself into a thestral, so she blends in well with the darkness.  

GAVINFOXX

Need to brainstorm something? Do a spell that will make you a little bit more creative but less able to focus for an hour, in a distraction-free environment, to get useful ideas down on paper.

Twilight Sparkle is now a zebra.  She thinks a bit, then proceeds to write:

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE ZEBRA

Zebra minds don’t work the same,

In many ways, as pony brains...

GAVINFOXX

Also, fingers and hands, even if they are from magical colorful arms sprouting from a pony's back!  

Now Twilight Sparkle has magical colorful arms sprouting from her back.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Uh, I… think I’d rather stick with ‘established’ races, than try turning myself into a chimera.  Well, outside of established Chimeras.  

She folds her hands behind her back.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(smaller voice)

...I feel so self-conscious like this, so wrong…

Discord appears and gives a wolf whistle.  

DISCORD

Are you kidding?!  You’ve never looked better, Twilight!  

GAVINFOXX

Also, WINGS, whether it is magic butterfly wings, magic feather wings, magic bat or dragon wings, even magic dragonfly wings, even if they aren't near as good as the real deal, and even if it doesn't come with the full 'pegasi can get by more easily on thinner air and don't worry about the cold as much and are less likely to be injured from high speed crashes and have a whole lot of miscellaneous air manipulation magic in the wings' thing, as long as it can get a pony aloft, it's still SO USEFUL!

The adults of Herd Bellerophon all stand on the same cloud, each one a different winged sapient.

ADULTS OF HERD BELLEROPHON

(ad lib)

C’mon, Spike!  You can do it!  Be brave!  We’ll catch you!  

Spike has been transmogrified into a pegasus foal.  He looks down from his cloud, fearfully, at first, then leaps… and now he’s FLYING!

SPIKE THE PEGASUS FOAL

Whooo-hoo!  I’m doing it!  I’m doing it!  

Then a tiny, fretful voice calls up to the family from ground level.

SCOOTALOO

What about me?!  What about me?!  Can’t ya give ME good wings?!?!

GAVINFOXX

I mean, Rarity, can you do the wing spell on your own yet?  Have any of you spent some time as Griffons?

Spike is just outside Golden Oaks library, doing a bit of gardening work on the front lawn; pulling weeds out of the grass.  He has been transformed in a griffin chick.  

Then he looks up, watching a figure swoops down, flying a daredevil loop-the-loop just INCHES from the grass before landing on the ground!  

It’s Rarity the griffin.  She recovers her breath with a happy smile.  

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

That was so much fun!

SPIKE THE GRIFFIN

Hi, Rarity!  

Spike drops his bag of pulled weeds and Rarity wraps her arms around him in a hug.  

SPIKE THE GRIFFIN

That was an awesome landing!  I think you’re getting speedier!  

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

I feel speedier, Spike!

She fans her wings for a second.  

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Truth be told, I don’t even MISS those silly cloud platforms!

SPIKE THE GRIFFIN

Could you teach me to fly like that?

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

(laughing, ruffling his head feathers)

When you’re ready, I’ll teach you and Scootaloo together!  

She enters the library while Spike returns to gardening.  Inside, Lyra is playing her harp skillfully with her talons, while Twilight sits next to her, holding a book in her own claws with an awkward sort of frown.  She drops the book.

LYRA THE GRIFFIN

(while still playing)

Still having trouble?

Twilight picks her book back up.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE GRIFFIN

Not with my griffin fingers, if that’s what you’re thinking!  It’s just… this BEAK of mine!  It’s so BIG!  And weird-shaped!  Very distracting!

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Hello, girls!

LYRA THE GRIFFIN

Hi!  How was work?

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Lots of cloud-kicking was involved today!  Where’s Lero?

LYRA THE GRIFFIN

Upstairs, I think!

In his bedroom, Lero the Griffin wears white tennis shoes over his back lion paws, a casual button-down cotton shirt, from which his new set of wings jut out from.. and Rarity lingers at the door to watch his tail swish back and forth from the back of his jeans, as he hums to himself while working.  

LERO THE GRIFFIN

(singing softly to himself)

This is Major Tom to Ground Control…

I’m stepping through the door

And I’m floating in a most peculiar way...

Specifically, he is working with a magically enchanted steam iron, ironing the wrinkles out his recently dried clothes on an ironing board.  

Slyly, Rarity creeps up behind him.  When he sets his iron down safely for a second, Rarity claps her hands over his eyes.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

Guess who?

LERO THE GRIFFIN

Ziggy Stardust?  Is that you?

Rolling her eyes, Rarity turns Lero around, hugging him.  There is a half-full plate of roasted dormice within arm’s reach.  She takes a mouse by its tail, dips it in a bowl of sauce, and feeds it to Lero, then eats one herself, very casually.  

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

This is quite a handsome new shirt you’re wearing, my prince.

LERO THE GRIFFIN

Yeah!  I think I’m finally getting the hang of fitting my wings it at the back!

Her eyes glance over at a row of white shoes lined up inside Lero’s closet.   These shoes are all identical in design to the ones currently on Lero’s back lion paws… but they were made for very differently shaped legs.  Shoes for a minotaur’s hooves, shoes for a pony’s hooves… and at the very end, his old human shoes.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

All the clothes you’ve been buying for yourself…

LERO THE GRIFFIN

I hope don’t mind.  I’ve really want to be prepared…

Slowly, sensually, she begins unbuttoning his shirt.  Her tail intertwines around Lero’s.  

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

For whatever our Sparkle-kitten might turn us into into next, right?

She settles a taloned hand upon the feathery ruff of Lero's chest.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

No, I don’t mind at all.  It just means that no matter what you happen to be...

She nestles her head by Lero’s ear, and whispers into it softly.

RARITY THE GRIFFIN

...I’m never denied the pleasure of unwrapping you.

Almost automatically, Lero’s talon finds the rainbow-lightning cutie mark on her body, first rubbing it, then cupping her leonine haunch firmly.  She purrs in a catlike way.  Finally, the passion peaks, and they lean in to kiss each others’ lips…

...Only these two griffons have somehow forgotten they don’t have lips anymore.  They got beaks.  And their beaks bang together harshly, with a comical hollow noise.

LERO & RARITY

Ouch!

At first, they cry out in pain.  Then they lean against each other, laughing it off.  

GAVINFOXX

I'm just throwing ideas out, but hay, next time some terrible threat to Equestria comes out of the woodwork, having already gotten this stuff down and as part of your toolkit could save lives!

The Dark Lord Evilevil is causing havoc around Canterlot!  Even the elements of harmony seem to be unable to end his reign of terror.

DARK LORD EVILEVIL

Yes!  Burn!  Burn!  Not even the Elements can stop me!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(Exhausted and beat up, but with a smug grin.)

Yeah, except we don’t have to!

DARK LORD EVILEVIL

What foolishness are you talking about... OW!

Was that a small mosquito that’d pricked the back of his neck?  Lord Evilevil slaps at his neck, but the little bug flies away, up by a tree branch.

Squinting hard, Lord Evilevil sees that the ‘mosquito’ are actually a Flutterpony!  Specifically, Lyra Heartstrings, holding a tiny little needles, laced with some sort of greenish liquid.

DARK LORD EVILEVIL

I feel… sleeeeeeppppy….

The Dark Lord Evilevil collapses to the ground.  

LYRA THE FLUTTERPONY

Whooo-hooo!  Score one world-destroying villain for me!

SPIKE’S VOICE

Great job!  Yeah!  You got ‘im good, Lyra!

Sweetie Belle pops her head out from where she’d been hiding, and looks at Spike in disbelief.  He now a purple-furred DIAMOND DOG PUP, somehow equally ugly as cute.  He catches sight of her staring eyes and stops wagging his tail.  

SPIKE THE DIAMOND DOG PUP

D-don’t judge me!