Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Seven: Birds, Bees, and Baby Dragons

Spoilers Up To Chapter 39

Question 1: Kichi Asks:

Lero: Did you ever give Spike "the talk"? I mean he is a baby dragon, does he really know what you do and the future if he go with AJ or Sweetie? Or what you and the others do in private?

Lero pauses, looking conflicted.  He starts to say something, but Spike stops him.

SPIKE

Let me answer this, please.

Lero shrugs and nods, and Spike walks away to the privacy of his own bedroom, and shuts the door.  

SPIKE

No, nopony’s in my herd has ever officially, straight-up given me the birds-and-bees talk.  I think there’s probably several reasons for this.  First… Well, no one knows how dragon sex actually works.  Pony knowledge is still very restricted, due to how hostile and unfriendly dragons are.  Second… Well, I’m pretty sure they’re waiting for me to grow up.  Or at least, grow as tall as they are.  Even more to the point, actually show any interest in sex.   Look.  I know what you’re thinking  -  'I’m in love with Rarity and Applejack.'   Well… Yeah.  I love them.  I want to be near them, spend time with them, share happiness with them, protect them, take care of them.  It’s romantic.  Or at least, romantic as a dragon can be.  I genuinely don’t know if what I feel is the same thing that ponies feel when they talk about love.  Maybe it’s just an extension of hoarding instinct.  We really don’t know.  

He shifts from foot to foot.

SPIKE

As for sex itself…  Well, Twilight has books on Pony biology, and she doesn’t exactly hide them.  Not to mention, while they’re not exhibitionist, Pony society isn’t exactly secretive when it comes to sex- nothing like what Lero’s told me about humans.   It’s just not practical for them to be that way, even if they want to.  And I won’t name names, but there are a couple of pervy foals my age who’ve looked into it more than I care to right now, and are willing to share their findings with anypony in earshot.

He shrugs.

SPIKE

So I do know the mechanics of the act.  And, well…   I’ve heard things.  And I’ve seen things.  The adults in my herd try to keep things out of sight, but well, I have errands all over the house, and sometimes I stumble across things.   And, well, some of my herd really aren’t that quiet when they…  when the mood hits them.  And it’s not always possible to send me out of the house ahead of time.   But back to the point-  I’m not really interested in doing that sort of thing, yet.  I guess I really am a baby, no matter how smart or mature I am!

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Berry Punch: Congrats on your victory. Who was in second?

BERRY PUNCH

Pinkie Pie.  She’s got quite the alcohol tolerance!  I can tell by the way she drinks; this hasn’t been the first big party she’s been to!  As a second place prize, we ended up giving her a voucher for my own store.  Good for 100 bits.

Question 3: Warpd Asks:

Madame Amethyst: So is fortune telling your primary job or do you do other things on the side?

AMETHYST

I work as both a theater actress and an usherette in my daily life.  Fortunetelling’s just a neat side hobby I like to do for parties.  

Question 4: Kichi Asks:

Discord: Did you travel in a dimension that had a good Discord and an Evil Fluttershy?

DISCORD

All the ponies you know to be heroes in this particular world... certainly, there ARE parallel universes where they took darker paths.  But when I was touring dimensions with Fluttershy, I didn’t take her to see any of THOSE rotten Equestrias!  Just the purely friendly ones.  The fun ones! After all, I meant it to be an enjoyable vacation for us both.  I mean, you don’t go to a war zone just to have a good time!

At that point, Discord pulls out a strange can of pet food, holding it in his palm.

DISCORD

Unless maybe you’re like this little jerk.

Suddenly, the pet food can in his palm hops around angrily!

DIRE EMPRESS FLUTTERSHY, SCOURGE OF GOODNESS

Just you wait until I get freed of this confinement!  Just you wait!  All hope and kindness will wither into nothingness, all..!

He shakes the can around like it was a protein shake, but does not open it.

Question 5: Kichi Asks:  

Spike: Did you try to eat Moon Stones or Meteorites?

SPIKE

I’ve had both!  I’ve eaten meteorites three different times.  Two of them were gifts from Celestia, while the last one was a gift from Twilight.  All three of them tasted completely different from each other… I guess because they originated from different ends of the galaxy!  My favorite meteorite was the second one.

Spike goes into his room, and pulls out a secret stash of moon rocks.

SPIKE

I’ve been given moon rocks once, after Princess Luna became friends with me.  

He pops one in his mouth.

SPIKE

You’re not gonna believe this, but to a dragon’s tongue, moon rocks taste no different than mozzarella cheese.  Go figure!

Question 6: Warpd Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia and Princess Luna; Purely hypothetical of course, as usual, but say if Star Swirl had never made the swap spell at all. How different would the world be?

The two princesses grin at each other but are already a bit overwhelmed by the scope of this question.

PRINCESS LUNA

Oh my…

PRINCESS CELESTIA

The phrase ‘where to even begin?’ Was made for moments like this.

PRINCESS LUNA

Well… I would never have had cause to transform into Nightmare Moon…

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I never would have had to use the Elements of Harmony against my sister…

PRINCESS LUNA

Both of us would probably still be the ones wielding the Elements of Harmony at this point in time...

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I would never have had need to take Twilight Sparkle under my wing and guide her towards using the Elements of Harmony against Nightmare Moon, so Twilight would never have been a part of my life…

PRINCESS LUNA

And very likely, there would’ve been a lot more ponies alive today, since we would not have had all that unfortunate spell of civil unrest.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

So… yes…

There is a stretch of silence between the sisters.

PRINCESS LUNA

Sister, do you think Lero would still have…?

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Hmm?  Lero?  Well, Lero would still have crossed over into our world, but it’s possible he might’ve had a different set of ponies there to greet him.  Or who knows?  Swap or no Swap, perhaps he’d still have still fallen in love with Rainbow Dash, though she wouldn’t have been the Bearer of Loyalty.  

Question 7: Kichi Asks:  

To Lero: You know if the New RD still likes Daring Do?

During a quiet home moment, Lero’s sitting next to Rarity, who’s reading the latest Daring Do book excitedly.  

Rainbow Dash walks by her.  

RARITY

Oh, Rainbow, darling!

RAINBOW DASH

Yes, Rarity?

RARITY

You simply MUST read this masterpiece after I’m done!  Right now, I’m at a part where Daring’s stumbling through a labyrinthine temple loaded with traps, being stalked by a cannibalistic cult that’ve already feasted on two of her traveling companions… oh!  And she’s stolen this idol from them, but doesn’t yet realize that it’s slowly turning her into a bloodthirsty demon!

Rainbow Dash’s ears flatten back at this description.  Her teeth chatter and her knees knock together.

RAINBOW DASH

S...s... sounds n-n-nightmarish…

RARITY

Oh, it’s a MUST-read!  I’ll be sure to lend it to you once I’m done with it!

Rainbow Dash high-tails it out of the room, deeply shaken.  Lero turns towards us.

LERO

(whispers to us)

Rainbow Dash has NONE of her old taste in books anymore.  Nowadays, she prefers reading nonfiction books on animals and Jane Austen-style romance novels.  Daring Do stories are a bit too… high-intensity for her, these days.  It's the Fluttershy part in her.

Question 8: Kichi Asks:    

Discord: Do you have your own house or do you live only with Celly and RD?

Discord laughs.

DISCORD

House?  I live in my own dimension.  Sometimes it’s a house, sometimes it’s a palace, sometimes it’s an igloo, sometimes it’s a game show set, or a void of nothingness, or a chaotic nexus that man nor pony was meant to know, or a police academy, or a kangaroo, oftentimes, it’s a combination of many different things.  

He chuckles.

DISCORD

Although the idea of living with Celly and Dashie as roomies is VERY cool-sounding, well… Rainbow’s already got a home of her own, and Celly… well, she and me living under the same ‘roof’ would be quite the sitcom, wouldn’t it?  

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Asks:    

To whom it may concern,  How are the Sicklefins reacting to Exit's alteration?

Exit Wound’s aunt, Entrance Wound, looks out with a flat expression.  

ENTRANCE WOUND

Exit Wound has brought shame on the Sicklefin name.  The nuthouse is where she belongs.  And no one else in my organization has a different opinion if they’re smart.

Question 10: Warpd Asks:

Lero and Twilight: One of the things I would say could be identified with the swap is that it is self destructive. It is very easy to point out to the swap individual that they are living the wrong life and thus go crazy. Is this spell malicious as well?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

There’s no question that self-destructiveness is a hallmark of the Swap.  But even after talking with Fluttershy about her experiences as a Swapped pony… even after hearing her repeat to me, word-for-word, the specific compulsions it implanted in her head… I still don’t know whether ‘malicious’ is truly the right word. For it to be ‘malicious,’ pain and suffering, in themselves, would have to be the Swap’s true objectives.  And that just doesn’t seem to be the case.  It’s… more like a small child, determinedly attempting to hammer a square peg in a round hole, heedless of the damage it causes to the peg or the hole.  I don’t think it even understands the concepts of pain and suffering.

She sighs.  

LERO

Malice or no malice, though, it’s definitely a tyrannical little dictator.