Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Four: The Importance Of Combat Quips

Spoilers Up To Chapter 32

Question 1: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Honeydew,

You've put the world at risk, you've consorted with murderers, you've sacrificed any goodwill or dignity you might have had to your name... all for this, and only this. Was it worth it?

HONEYDEW

To save the ponies of… no, not JUST the ponies, ALL the peoples of Equestria… from the menace of humankind, I am prepared to sacrifice everything, though I may be hated and reviled for it by those mind-controlled sheep!  I may not be the hero that Equestria wants, but I am the hero that it needs, and I will wage my war against the ape demon until only one of us is standing!

Question 2: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Exit Wound,

Going after the husband of Celestia's pseudo-daughter? Wow. Gutsy.

EXIT WOUND

(arrogant, flattered grin)

Playing et safe is for fecking junior leaguers!  Oi’m making a name fer meself: show ‘em all that Exit Wound’s a mare who can handle hoigh-profoile assassinations!  

FAN OF MOST EVERYTHING

Just how well did Honeydew pay you?  

EXIT WOUND

PAY me?!

She chuckles.

EXIT WOUND

Lemme fecking tell yeh something… a streetsoide fruit peddler loike Dewy could never cough up teh moolah ta hoire a major league killer loike meself.  (And, strictly speaking, she didn’t ‘pay’ me with sex favors, neither!)  Ta put it in terms of a fecking private dick novel: ‘Oi took an interest in teh poor girl’s case.’  

FAN OF MOST EVERYTHING

Or did she neglect to mention that little detail?

EXIT WOUND

What, did yeh think Oi didn’t know jack about Equestria’s first fecking space alien before Dewy came inta me loife?  Think Oi never picked up a fecking newspaper or nothing?  

Exit Wound puts her arm around Honeydew.

EXIT WOUND

Oi don’t think there’s any fecking detail Honeydew’s neglected ta mention about Mr. Lero Moichealoides.  He’s her all-toime favorite conversation topic.  

Question 3: Warpd Asks:

Dear Twilight:

An odd dream to have considering you had said a long time ago about Big Mac being too big for normal mares to enjoy.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Y… you SAW that dream of mine?!  I can’t believe it!  I’m so mortified!

She’s standing inside her house.  Lero is seated in the room where the Swapped-up Elements of Harmony are being kept; just reading a book.  Twilight looks over to both of them from where she stands.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...But, well… between one thing and another, I’m not exactly what you’d call a ‘normal mare,’ whichever way you slice it.

WARPD

So you do want foals?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...I do.  I mean, I’m still trying to find a way for Lero to be a direct father… but I’d also love it if we could find a stallion for our herd that would be as perfect a fit for Lero as myself and all the other girls in our herd.  A stallion that’d never make Lero feel sidelined or upstaged, either unintentionally or deliberately.  If the real Swap had taken the route it did in that dream of mine… you wouldn’t hear me complain all that loudly.  

She grins.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...Red’s such a GREAT color on a stallion…

Question 4: Felyon Says:

Dear Female Spike,

First off: You're the greatest! *Felyon squeals like a fan-filly* Such devotion, yet what a troubled heart. Please accept all my hugs and my recipe for catalyst fluid.

FEMALE SPIKE

Aw, thanks!

She hugs Felyon back, very heartily.

FELYON

While I use it for bombs, my boyfriend who is a half-dragon assures me they are delicious--I've taken to using several more minerals and acids for flavor and he swears they make his scales shine.

FEMALE SPIKE

(her body sparkles with shininess)

Your boyfriend’s right!  I’ve never had one of these work so fast!  Think I’m gonna brew me up another batch!  

FELYON

Second, not to sound derisive but can ponies even tell the difference between a male and female dragon with the whole...genital sheath thing?

Spike’s drinking another bottle of Felyon’s special catalyst fluid, while standing by Lero the Mare.  She lowers the bottle down from her mouth.  

FEMALE SPIKE

Well, uh, yeah.  For one thing, my neighbors have all noticed how my voice has suddenly gotten more higher-pitched than it used to be.  And also, girls… give off a girly smelling smell.

LERO THE MARE

When you put it like THAT, Spike, you make it sound like you’re in h…

FEMALE SPIKE

You KNOW I don’t mean it like THAT!  It’s perfectly natural; in the same way girls can look girly and sound girly, they naturally smell girly.  

LERO THE MARE

You’re right.  I guess I’m just thinking like a human.  

FEMALE SPIKE

Man, human noses really MUST be weak, if a mare needs to get all-the-way ‘hot and bothered’ before she starts smelling girly to you!

LERO THE MARE

You’re not wrong, Spike.

Lero takes a deep breath through her nose.

LERO THE MARE

If noses were eyes… you could say my new pony nose has 20/20 ‘vision.’  My old human nose was more like 8/20.  

FELYON

On a side, that's so much better than that dangling mammal solution for this particular problem. They think they're so highly advanced just because they can sweat and produce internal heat and leak milk from their mammary glands while you can actually breathe magical fire!

FEMALE SPIKE

Heck, yeah!

She playfully shoots a jet of it in the air.

RARITY THE STALLION

Careful, Spike, dear!

FEMALE SPIKE

(to Felyon)

Plus, I can take a bath in lava, and it soothes me!  Let’s see a mammal do that!

FELYON

You and me, sister! Gal-hoof!

FEMALE SPIKE

Yeah!

They gal-hoof.

And then Felyon keeps working on her Polymorph-into-Dragon mutagen.

FEMALE SPIKE

Good luck with that mutagen!  I'd love to show you what a sapphire shortcake tastes like!  

Then there’s a knock on the door.

FEMALE SPIKE

Huh?  Oh, he’s here!

She opens the front door.

FEMALE SPIKE

Hi, Button Mash!

BUTTON MASH

Hey, Spike!

Spike turns to the readers.

FEMALE SPIKE

Oh!  Button Mash, here is my number one best-pony-friend-my-own-age!

BUTTON MASH

Yo!  ‘Sup, humans?

FEMALE SPIKE

I know Button’s barely gotten any screen time in that story of ours you’ve been following…

BUTTON MASH

(whisper)

Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask if there’s any way we could up my ‘screen time’ in the main story…

FEMALE SPIKE

(whispers back)

We’ll talk later!  

They both go over and sit down in front of a console video game, starting it up.

FEMALE SPIKE

(to readers)

But one thing that’s really awesome about him as a friend is that he doesn’t treat me any differently than he did when I was a boy-dragon!

BUTTON MASH

It hasn’t changed how Spike plays video games one bit.  And really, isn’t that what really matters most in this crazy, crazy, roller coaster ride we call life?

FEMALE SPIKE

(awed)

Dude… deep.

Button nods.  They continue playing.

BUTTON MASH

Besides, I’ll admit you’re not too bad-looking as a girl, but I’m the kind of pony who only loves other ponies.

FEMALE SPIKE

Somehow, my lovelorn heart will find a way to go on… OOH!

She points towards the video game they’re playing.

FEMALE SPIKE

Bomb the bridge!  Bomb the bridge!

Button Mash bombs the bridge.

BUTTON MASH & FEMALE SPIKE

YES!

They hoof-bump.  

Question 5: Super Big Mac Requests:

Dear Fluttershy,

I want you to do me a favor, and I promise I'll pay you back for it if you really need me to. I want you to throw a party for Honeydew, her sisters, her friends, and her herd. Don't talk about Lero, don't mention Lero, don't think about Lero. If she speaks of him, then ignore it. I want you to do everything you can to make her happy; she needs a bit of happiness in her life. Maybe get Applejack or Pinkie to help you. Applejack's talent is design, right? Decorating for a party can't be too hard, and I'm sure Pinkie has some good apple-based recipes or something, and could maybe even make a nice apple-watermelon punch, or something. If you know what she likes to eat etc, then make those! I feel sad... not sorry for her, really, because that would imply I think I'm better than her, but I feel sad that she's sad, and would like to see her smile smile smile.

Fluttershy looks behind her regretfully at a partially-finished party room, then faces forward again with an unhappy expression.

FLUTTERSHY

I… I tried getting started, Mr. Super Big Mac, sir.  Really, I did.  Set out the tables, got all the cake ingredients lined up… but then I went to go visit Honeydew’s house… Honeydew was nowhere to be seen!  I looked everywhere, and she’s nowhere in Ponyville at all!  Nopony knows where she’s gone, either!

She sits down at a table lined with festive paper party hats.

FLUTTERSHY

To tell you the truth, I’m… I’m worried about Honeydew!  Things have NOT been going good for her at all, lately!  Her moods have been really weird and worse than ever these past few weeks!  It makes me feel something really terrible’s about to happen!  I hope it’s not too late for me to make everything alright with her.  Oh, where can she be?!  

Question 6: Draziw Asks:

Dear Twilight,

Do you believe cutie marks are a manifestation of a pony's destiny or a representation of a pony's driving interest?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

My personal belief is that the former stems from the latter, that a pony’s driving interest plays a large part in determining her destiny.  Here’s an example: if swimming is my passion, then I am destined to get wet.  If garbage collecting is my passion, I am destined to get stinky.  

She smiles.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I believe that cutie marks play into both.

DRAZIW

If a cutie mark is linked to destiny, would that mean a pony's destiny is undetermined until his or her cutie mark finally appears? Or is it set at birth and later revealed through the cutie mark?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It can be tempting to believe that one’s life is ‘set at birth,’ but I don’t.  I think back to some of those alternate universes which I saw in my dreams.  Like me, those other Twilight Sparkles were born as unicorns with a phenomenal level of magic power.  But one became a farmer.  One became Captain of the Wonderbolts.  And I became the Element of Magic.  

She smiles.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

So it’s not so much who you were born, as how you decide to use the abilities you were given at birth.  As well as your overall attitude, and how you react to things.  And birth is too early for anything like that.

DRAZIW

If a cutie mark's meaning has to be interpreted, does that mean a single cutie mark can have multiple meanings?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It can.  Depends on the pony.  

DRAZIW

How does The Swap know which meaning to use as a compulsion for the affected pony? How does The Swap even know how to interpret the cutie mark in the first place?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(laughs a little)

You don’t wanna know HOW close I almost came to saying, ‘You should go ask the Swap.’

She sits herself on the couch.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Let’s see… I think The Swap first considers what’s possible on a PHYSICAL scale.  Take Rarity, as she is now.  The old Rainbow Dash… her biggest ambition was to become a Wonderbolt.  But unicorns can’t be Wonderbolts, any more than they can live underwater.  So the Swap settled on having Rarity refocus on weather.   From there… um… it interprets the cutie mark like… like a… what’s it called… like a caricature!  Yes!  Let’s say you have a nose that’s slightly larger-than-average.  Sit in front of a caricaturist, and she’ll make that nose your entire face.  Whatever’s most conspicuous about you as a person; it’ll take it and exaggerate it further.   That’s how the Swap would interpret your personality traits, and pass them onto another.

Question 7: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord,

And who saved Lero from the cat and the fiddle the dog who liked to diddle?

Discord is riding atop a cow, eating sprockets off a dish with a spoon, when he looks over at the readers, raising his chin.  

DISCORD

How curious that you should be asking me this question!  Why, it almost sounds like…

He shuts his eyes… then when he reopens them, they’re a striking shade of blue.

DISCORD

...Chreideann tú go bhfuil mé an ceann a mharaigh Scrounger!

The draconequus blinks again, and his eyes return to their familiar yellowish color.

DISCORD

Yes, I was there.  Yes, I saw what was happening.  And yes, it absolutely burned my guts, seeing that freak drag my buddy down into that hole, knowing what he intended to do.  On top of that, not only am I omnipotently powerful, I’m just flat-out WEIRD enough to have offed that wormy disease factory in the way he was offed.  Heh heh… I’d think so much less of you if you DIDN’T suspect me of being Scrounger’s killer!  

From on his cow, Discord bows.  

DISCORD

But WAS it me whodunit?  Well, all I got to say to that is this...

(eyes turn blue again)

...Bain triail as ag dul anseo.

Discord throws his empty plate away as the cow he’s riding takes a giant leap over the moon.  Then the spoon and the dish get up and abscond from the premises together.

Question 8: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra,

Is coming up with awesome one-liners part of becoming a grandmaster?

LYRA

You bet those pretty little fingers of yours it is!  Just for comparison, let’s see what would’ve happened to me if I’d been lax with my one-liners.  Discord, if you would?

Discord, who is standing right behind Lyra snaps his fingers.  

Lyra and Discord are transported to a different dimension -- an alternate universe where things happened ever-so-slightly differently at the Boulder & Daughters Quarry Mill.  The two of them watch, unseen and undetected by the natives of this alternate universe, as events play out.

Twilight Sparkle is brought before Exit Wound, a horn wrap on her horn, flanked on either side by Exit Wound’s goons.  Exit greets her.

EXIT WOUND

Welcome ta teh fecking party, Miss Magic!  Here’s where all teh big nobs hang out!

Exit Wound drinks some whiskey while Twilight just looks around the room, and at Rarity and Lero, as though taking careful consideration of her surroundings.

EXIT WOUND

Well?  Whaddaya got ta say fer yerself?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Shigeru Miyamoto!

And the Lyra Heartstrings of the alternate universe springs out from Twilight’s mane, growing to full size.  She lands a perfect flying kick to the face to one of the mares flanking Twilight.  Kicking off, she swept around in the air in a spinning kick, striking the other mare in the back of the head with incredible force, and she collapsed under the force.

Even before she hits the ground, her horn ignites with light, and in a fraction of a second, brightened its illumination to an unbearable luminosity.  All the goons are blinded, jerking back instinctively away from the brightness, giving Lyra the opening she needs.

When her hooves touch the ground, she launched herself at the skewbald unicorn mare, striking her simply and solidly on her snout with her hoof, as she summoned her telekinesis to life.  

EXIT WOUND

W… which fecking Bearer are yeh, then?  What’re yeh the Element of?

ALTERNATE LYRA WHO NEVER MASTERED ONE-LINERS

Me?  Um, well, I’m really not the Element of anything.  Elements are jewels; they’re not living ponies.  Oh, wait, sorry, you asked which Element Bearer am I, in which case, I still can’t honestly lay claim to that either.  I am a musician, a Still Way grandmaster, and an auxiliary member of the Royal Guard.

EXIT WOUND

How very fecking interesting.  But as long as yeh very definitely ain’t an Element Bearer, that means yer expendable and Oi can get away with ending yer loife.  

She nods at her unicorns and they all open fire on the Alternate Lyra, shooting her dead.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(crying her eyes out)

Lyra!  Lyra… no… why weren’t you more glib with your words?  Why?

The living Lyra, beside Discord, winces before turning towards the readers.

LYRA

And that's the reason Combat Quips are mandatory lessons for everypony intending to be a martial arts grandmaster.  

Question 9: Felyon Asks:

Dear Spike,

What happens if you choke and burn your tongue? Did you ever send yourself somewhere?

Spike shakes his head with a smile.  

SPIKE

I’m immune to my own fire, especially inside my mouth.  Much in the same way our stomachs are immune to our own stomach acid.  And I’m so very grateful for that.  Could you imagine how gross and horrible it’d be if I sent my tongue to Princess Celesita?!

He shudders in revulsion.  

Question 10: [iSuper Big Mac Quotes:

You people validate all that I do.  All that I stand for.  Humans truly are diabolical creatures: vicious, twisted, perverse, and predatory.  Those who aren’t openly cruel and bullying are condescending and patronizing creatures; but all of them talk down at you.  Humans are cowards who gang up to target easy prey.  Prey like me.  Prey they see as weak.

SUPER BIG MAC

Dear Honeydew,

In response to the above quote, I laugh. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh.

HONEYDEW

(bitterly, to herself)

They all laugh at me, everyone laughs at me...

SUPER BIG MAC

All you are saying is "since you actively disagree with my speciesism, it makes me right!" That's what it's come down to. I'm truly sorry if you think that way, because I've already out-logic'd a good number of so-called feminists who used the whole "You're being mean and using your logic, which just proves that my ideologies are correct!" line all the time. If disagreeing with an ideology made it correct, then that would mean the Nazis were correct.  Do you know what they did, Dewy?

HONEYDEW

Can’t say I’m familiar with Nazis.  

SUPER BIG MAC

They killed roughly eleven million people in an event called "The Holocaust."

HONEYDEW

And by ‘people,’ you mean ‘humans,’ correct?  

(smiles darkly)

Human dispensing of other humans, on such a massive scale, the thought is just…

SUPER BIG MAC

The reason for all the death? Because they weren't Aryan; they didn't have white skin,  blonde hair, and blue eyes. And if one of those that were killed did have those three, then it was because they were either a Hebrew, a Gypsy, or because they were different or imperfect in some other way.  The kicker? Hitler, the man that started all that murder, had dark hair, and brown eyes. He got a country to start killing for a bullshit reason just so it could kill and not be idle.

HONEYDEW

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!  Dumb monkeys!  

SUPER BIG MAC

It would be like if a pegasus one day said to all other pegasi that horn-heads and mud-walkers were inferior, and should therefore be killed. Also, you could only worship Nightmare Moon, or you'd be killed. You could also only have a weather-making cutie mark, or you'd be killed. If your mane wasn't a certain color, you'd be killed. And then tack on more and more reasons for ponies to be killed, even if the one who started it all didn't fit the bill, and you have the same scenario.

HONEYDEW

To think that humans that evil and stupid exist… all the more reason we should expunge them from our world.  

SUPER BIG MAC

Sure, the Holocaust and your absurd hate of a single human are on completely different levels of silly and downright evil, but really, if you kill him, it would still be genocide.

Honeydew considers this in silence.  

SUPER BIG MAC

Think about that, Honeydew. I think you could be a wonderful friend. You don't have to agree with his mating with ponies. You don't have to like the fact that he shares the same planet as you. All we really want is a little tolerance, a little less hate, and then the hate you yourself feel from us will disappear. Maybe not all at once, but... please, Dewy. (Mac bows forward on his knees, his forehead touching the ground, exposing the back of his neck) I'm begging you to just stop this circle of hate. It's so very, very stupid, and... I promise, no matter what you do or say, I'll leave you alone from now on. I may ask a question of your sisters, but I won't use them as a means to get at you, or anything. From now on, I'll stop the rude questions. Please, please consider my request. (Mac picks himself up off the floor, pushing himself up to a standing position) I'm going now. Hope we can reach an agreement, here if nowhere else. Vivez bien, l'amour longue, connaîtrez le bonheur, or more famously, Find love, happiness, and live long and prosper.

At last, Honeydew answers.

HONEYDEW

Our world was perfect before he came.  It will go back to being perfect again once he’s gone.  

Question 11: The Only One Who Cared States:

For Honeydew:

I really don't know how to feel about you. I don't hate on you, and seeing how others make you feel actually makes me feel bad for you quite a lot. But, at the same time, I feel that your hate for Lero is misguided. I know you'll reject this suggestion, and then question the suggestion because of the beforehand knowledge, but could you just spend an hour talking to Lero? Maybe not even that, maybe just 30 minutes, whatever. But please, I'm begging you, at least get to know who you hate, so as to hate them better, if nothing else. I'm not asking you to not hate him, but if you were to have said conversation with Lero, at least be civil, so as to get answers to your own questions. Dirty, filthy bonobos we may be, but we all have stories to tell...

Honeydew is inside the quarry mill, coming out of the locker room where she’s just finished brawling with Rainbow Dash, disheveled and bloody.

HONEYDEW

Honestly, I have tried talking to the bonobo multiple times in the past, especially when we met in the marketplace.  It always ended in either name-calling, him hurrying away, or violence.  In a way, everything I’m going through right now is just an extension of all that.