Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-Two: The Cheerleader Costume

Spoilers Up To Chapter 29

MIKE TEAVEE

And now, the thrilling conclusion of Honeydew's adventures with Baba Yaga...

The spacious interior of the chicken-legged hut shows that Baba Yaga is a luddite’s luddite.  All her possessions might as well have been pilfered from the homes of 15th century Russians.  

Yet for all that… the place definitely isn’t spartan.  It may not be a czarina’s palace, but Baba’s hut is still richly stocked.  Every object, from the spinning wheel to the fireplace bellows is in excellent condition, (no museum pieces here!)  The shelves are loaded with LOTS of food and alcohol.  Plus, quite a few items that look like they’re probably magical in nature.  

But right now, Honeydew is too busy cowering in a corner to notice any of it, as the chicken hut sprints off to who-knows-where.  

Meanwhile, Baba Yaga is as cool as a cucumber, watching the landscape rush by through a window, while drinking from a large tankard.

BABA YAGA

These taste buds of your tongue are strange, peasant-horse.  They make me want to eat watermelon and hay.  

She takes another drink from her tankard.  

BABA YAGA  

Kvass tastes a little different with your tongue, too.  But not in a bad way.

Finally, the hut comes to a stop.  Baba Yaga goes over and pulls Honeydew up to a stand.

BABA YAGA  

Come.  It is time for your punishment.

HONEYDEW

(fearful for her life)  

Собираетесь ли вы убить меня?

BABA YAGA

No, I do not mean to kill you.  I swear on my Wyrd.

In no time at all, Honeydew find walking down a dirt road with her back hitched to a cart. Baba Yaga rides inside the cart, holding the reins.  

HONEYDEW

(dark grumble)  

Мне жаль, что я был мертв. Почему я должен быть наказан, как это?!

BABA YAGA

You really ARE stupid, peasant-horse.  You were rude to the Lady and her Knight, THAT is why you must be punished!

Honeydew turns inquisitive.  

HONEYDEW

Вы слуга Дамская?  Вы ее тетя?  

BABA YAGA  

No.  I am no servant of the Lady.  And we are not family either.  The Lady and me… how to put it… we are sometimes-allies and sometimes-enemies.  

HONEYDEW

Вы политиков?

Baba laughs.

BABA YAGA

“Politicians!”  Ha!  That is almost not-wrong.  You make me laugh, peasant-horse.  That is a good thing.  

HONEYDEW

Вы в настоящее время союзники или враги?

BABA YAGA

Right now?  The Lady and I are allies.  But that could change any time.  Around here, such is… ha ha… ‘politics.’

Baba suddenly sniffs the air as alertly as a dog, then jerks the reins in her hands to the left, forcing Honeydew to go that way.  

BABA YAGA  

But even if we were enemies, I would still be punishing you for your dishonor to the Lady and her Knight.

HONEYDEW  

Почему?  

BABA YAGA  

Because I respect them.

Baba Yaga sniffs again more intently.  She peers forward, spots something, then pulls back on the reins, making Honeydew stop.

BABA YAGA

Here we are.  

Baba Yaga and Honeydew stand at the top of a hill.  Down at the bottom of the hill, there is a gang of goblin boys, none of whom have noticed Baba or Honeydew yet.  Their ages range from 9 to 13, and every one of them is a dirty, warty, snaggletoothed, uncivilized lowlife.  Two of them are having a bare-fisted slugfest.  The rest surround them, cheering the fighters on.  

BABA YAGA

See those goblin boys?

Honeydew nods sullenly.

BABA YAGA

Some time ago, they all stole food from me.  They think I have forgotten.  

Then Baba takes out a small little comb and throws it down towards the goblin  boys.  It hits one of them, bouncing off his snout, and sinks straight into the ground.  

Seconds later, a FOREST OF SPEARS erupts from the ground, and all the goblin boys are impaled gruesomely.  

Honeydew’s just horrified.

BABA YAGA

Now we will load them into the cart and bring them to my home.

So they load the goblins on the cart.  Baba Yaga walks alongside Honeydew this time, as she is made to haul the corpses to Baba’s home.

Soon enough, Honeydew finds herself in a different room of Baba Yaga’s hut; a room devoted to butchery.  Baba's giant mortar is also brought in.  

The pony watches in disgust as the witch take a large knife and separates one of the goblin boys’ meat from his bones with stunning speed and expertise.  One by one, she throws the bones into the mortar.

BABA YAGA

Now this is your punishment: you will grind their bones to make my bread.

HONEYDEW

...Хлеб?

BABA YAGA

(smiles)  

Some cooks make bread from oatmeal.  Some make bread from cornmeal.  I prefer a different flavor: bonemeal.  So step into my mortar, and use those hooves of yours to grind their bones to make my bread!

And so Honeydew obeys, stepping into the mortar, more sickened than ever before as she stomps on the wet, bloody bones to grind them into powder.

For a while as she does so, Honeydew mutters some kind of mantra under her breath that sounds remarkably like ‘four legs good, two legs bad,’ albeit with a super-thick Russian accent.  

Baba Yaga just continues to de-bone more goblin boys, until finally, Honeydew speaks out.

HONEYDEW  

Почему вы называете его "Рыцарь?"

BABA YAGA

We call him The Knight because he IS a knight.

HONEYDEW  

(incredulously)

Я не могу в это поверить.

Baba Yaga laughs again.  She is not bothered by Honeydew’s inquiring questions, so long as the pony continues to grind bones.  

BABA YAGA

Yes, I can see why you would have your doubts.  

The ogress takes another drink of kvass.  

BABA YAGA

You’ve never seen him act very ‘knightly,’ have you?  But you do not know him as I know him and The Lady knows him.  Before he came to live in your world, he was The Lady’s sword and shield in all things.  A terror to face in one-on-one combat.  A gifted tactician and general, on the battlefield.  Ruthless and brutal, capable of such incredible…

Baba’s knife slices messily through a goblin boy’s arm.

BABA YAGA

...Carnage.

HONEYDEW

(confused)

Это... Это...

BABA YAGA

It is to laugh, is it not?  The wolf runs away to the land of the horses, and fools everyone into believing he has never been anything but a sweet, docile little lamb!  Including himself!  Then he takes several horses for his wives… and… and…

Baba Yaga cackles all the louder as she dumps more bones into Honeydew’s mortar.

BABA YAGA

The Lady is always watching him.  Watching him live his horse-life in that horse-world.  All his happy times, painful times, even humdrum times.  Sometimes I come by, and we watch him together.  SUCH ENDLESS COMEDY for us both!  No jester or clown has made us laugh so much!  ESPECIALLY recently, with how things have been… switched around.

Honeydew looks blankly at Baba, but the ogress smiles cryptically.

BABA YAGA

And The Lady is so excited because The Knight has agreed to come back and return to her service, once his horse-wife has given birth, and the offspring reaches the age of seven.

Honeydew barely suppresses a gag reflex.

BABA YAGA

And if he refuses to honor his agreement, then this world goes to war with the horse-world.  

Honeydew's breath stops as she sees Baba Yaga looks at the piles of meat she’s made with unmistakable hunger.

BABA YAGA

Part of me almost wishes for him to refuse.

Suddenly, Honeydew wobbles where she stands, her eyes rolling up in her head.  Maybe it’s the noxious stench of gore and blood. Maybe it’s fatigue, or the sheer barbarity of it all.  Whatever it is, it's just too big a shock for Honeydew's system.  She collapses.

The Great And Powerful Trixie trots over down a hotel hallway, already getting her key out.  She's in high spirits.

TRIXIE

Biggest standing ovation YET!  What a wonderful city this is!  Trixie will definitely need to come back here to Whinnypeg is again!  

But then, her door opens, and out steps Honeydew.

TRIXIE

What the…?!  How did you get into Trixie's Great and Powerful hotel suite?!

HONEYDEW

I… don’t… know…

Disquieted by her thousand-yard stare, Trixie backs away, letting Honeydew stagger past her in a stupefied daze.  Then Trixie enters her hotel room, to see whether anything of hers has been stolen.  She pops her head back out, and calls after Honeydew, levitating an object for her to see.

TRIXIE

Hey, lady!  Is this weird loaf of bread yours?

Question 1: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

Westboro Baptist Church is a group that loves to hate and spew out their own righteousness, all in the name of making sure that everyone knows that everything that goes wrong is because everyone but them is homosexual, and that that is a very, very, bad thing.

HONEYDEW

Frankly, I have to agree with this Westboro group of yours: homosexuality IS a very, very bad thing.  Just like heterosexuality.  Bisexual is how we were all MEANT to be!  I meam… craving ONE gender but not the other?  That’s very bad for forming herds… no one should be that way!

Then Honeydew has a thought.

HONEYDEW

Well… except maybe that bonobo.  It’s a small consolation, I know, but with him being bent-towards-girls, at least the STALLIONS are assured to be safe from his bottomless lust.

SUPER BIG MAC

And trust me, I'm simplifying this to about a Kindergarten level so that you can understand it. You're just like them. You only bash on Lero because you fear him. All because he's different.

HONEYDEW

I won’t deny that there’s a lot I fear about him.  But there’s more to it all than him simply being ‘different.’

SUPER BIG MAC

I want to know how long you knew about bonobos before Lero came to Equestria.  And if the answer is "nothing at all," then that just goes to show that you didn't understand this new creature that had appeared in your town, and you looked for and found the most non-equine and disgusting thing you could that had to do with apes, just to make yourself feel good, and to prove to yourself that you're completely correct with treating him like dirt.  Honestly? I don't care. I giggle and laugh and smile every time you say something, because all I hear is a whining little filly who doesn't like change nagging about something new and different.

Honeydew just GLARES at Super Big Mac, sullenly.

SUPER BIG MAC

You're like that person who hates supermarkets because it takes a farmer's market, and puts it in a giant, air-conditioned room, and removes about 80% of the person-to-person interaction. You make no sense.

HONEYDEW

YOU’RE the one who makes no sense!!!  What’s a ‘supermarket?’  What is ‘air-conditioned’ supposed to mean?!  Ergh!  I’ve DONE with this!  Between ‘The Lady,’ and Baba Yaga and THIS bozo, I’ve QUITE had my fill of alien creatures who insist on speaking to me in gobbledegook!  

Honeydew storms off.  

Question 2: Moonblaze Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

I believed ponies were a superior race, what with Equestria being founded not by war or breaking away from another (however peacefully) but via a coming together. By taking a first step toward Harmony. Though there were rough, patches a thousand years of peace (following the Nightmare Moon incident) is no small feat.  But now I've met you. Funny how meeting a pony who thinks she's superior is what shatters my perception that she is, hm?

HONEYDEW

What do you EXPECT me to say?  What do you expect me to think?  That we’re EQUALS?  That I’m INFERIOR to you?!  Dream on, orangutan!!!

MOONBLAZE

Life never fails to disappoint, does it?

HONEYDEW

Join the club.

MOONBLAZE

I certainly have it in me to be nasty and mean, (not all of us have hearts of gold like Lero there…)

HONEYDEW

What IS it that’s gotten everyone so convinced that ape is some virtuous do-gooder?!

MOONBLAZE

But the benefit of having to write something rather than say it is that it gives you time to gain perspective. And what I really want to do is not something for my benefit, but for yours.

HONEYDEW

(flat and sour)

For MY benefit?  Oh, how very CHARITABLE of you.

MOONBLAZE

Your hate is consuming you. Lero is in your world, living his life. He is accepted and loved. Your hate for him, whatever it's source, whether it's justified or not, has come to dominate your life. It's driven away your sisters. Your husband named it your worst feature. And what impact is it having on Lero and his herd? Practically none at all. You think it's hurting him, but it's not. It's only hurting you and those around you, the ones you care about most. Your hate for Lero has become more important to you then your love for your family.

Honeydew just grows angrier and angrier with every new word from Moonblaze.  

MOONBLAZE

For your own sake, and more importantly for the sake of those you love, let it go.

HONEYDEW

YOU WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN’T YOU, PRIMATE?!  WELL, IT AIN’T HAPPENING!!!   DROP DEAD!!!

Question 3: Moving Target Asks:

Dear Widescreen and Ivory Keys,

We've seen how Honeydew's, um..."opinion", on Herd Bellerophon has been affecting her relationship with her sisters.  How has it been affecting you two?  I can't imagine it's been easy.

Widescreen and Ivory Keys look up tiredly.  

IVORY KEYS

It HASN’T been easy.

WIDESCREEN

Our social life has suffered for it.

IVORY KEYS

And our businesses.  Who wants to buy from the ponies who herd with ‘the bigot?’

WIDESCREEN

And it’s made things at home… stressful.

IVORY KEYS

But, if it’s all the same to you, we’d rather not discuss details.  It’s personal.

Question 4: Super Big Mac Asks:

Dear Honeysuckle and Honeybee,

Have either of you participated in Lero's swimming lessons?

HONEYSUCKLE

I don’t need lessons.  I’ve gotten pretty skilled at swimming on my own.

HONEYBEE

I’m sure you all know the story about how I nearly drowned.  So the idea of swimming lessons leave me a little… uncomfortable.  ‘Once bitten, twice shy,’ and all.  But let’s say I did want to learn to swim.  Well, not to sound racist or anything, but I think I’d much rather have ANOTHER PONY be my swimming instructor.

Honeybee looks nervous.

HONEYBEE

Don’t get me wrong!  Lero’s a great guy, and I’m sure there’s a lot of other stuff he could teach me.  But, well, for certain things… PHYSICAL things… quadrupeds and bipeds are just built too different.  Humans shouldn’t teach ponies how to swim any more than ponies should teach humans ballroom dancing.  

SUPER BIG MAC

Has Honeydew tried to disrupt them at all?

HONEYSUCKLE

It’s my understanding that Dew tried that… once.  And Lyra Heartstrings gave her quite a headache for her troubles.

Question 5: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Celestia,

I understand if you don't want to answer this question, but I can't help but wonder: has the Apollion Cannon ever been fired?

We are in the depths of space.  At first, it seems we are looking down at Equestria.  However, it soon becomes clear that this is a bizarre, inverted mockery of that familiar realm.  Behind it, pushing it, is a massive, unearthly conglomeration of connected stars, bound together by strange dreamlike imagery and disturbingly organic looking masses, as if someone had turned the dream of a gigantic Ursa Major inside out.   It accelerates the false Equestria faster and faster, the perspective changing… the Fake Equestria’s on a collision course with the true Equestria!

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Yes.

The Apollion cannon fires, blasting into the False Equestria, tearing into it, and deflecting it and its maker, sending them spiraling off into the depths of space.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Once.

Question 6: Zer0protype Asks:

Dear Celestia,

If the Sun and/or Moon are super weapons where did they come from or who built them?

Dear Luna,

Does the Moon posses some form of offensive or defensive weapon, like the Sun? If so, what is it?

Celestia and Luna step forward, in a familiar sight of lights whorling behind them.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

As these questions involve us both, we felt it best if we answer them together.

PRINCESS LUNA

While we intended to answer as completely as possible, forgive us if we are elusive on some points.  But this we CAN tell you: The Sun and Moon were created by the same Maker that created Equestria, and indeed, this universe in which we all dwell.

PRINCESS LUNA

In regards to the nature of the Moon, perhaps it’s best that I start by explaining the sun in a bit more detail. For example, you might ask, if we had the power of the sun, why didn’t we use it against, say, Discord?

An image forms in the air behind Luna, along with an image of Discord, spreading chaos and cackling wickedly. The sun begins unfolding in the sky.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

The obvious answer is, of course, his power was such that he could control the sun, but even if not… well, while it does have enough power that if it struck him head-on with its fully might, it would most likely spread his essence to the winds.   However…

In Luna’s image, the sun fires, unleashing a torrent of energy, looking like a shimmering golden merger between lighting and fire. Discord notices, and blinks away before it strikes; but Equestria is hit, tearing it asunder. Discord pops back in as the energy fades.

DISCORD

Missed me!

PRINCESS LUNA

It is far too risky to use on a being of his scale.  Especially one so chaotic.  However…

Another image appears; that of Equestria. a Faerie ring in a remote section of the world flickers and twists, before tearing open, endless swarms of goblins pouring out, followed by drivers with whips, shouting and cracking in the air.

Behind them, the ‘rank and file’ of Fae soldiers march, graceful and disciplined, wearing armor as beautiful as it is functional, wielding weapons sublime and terrible.

Behind those endless legions, aerial forces fly, from sprites to gossamer-winged beasts to impossible magical constructions flown by boggins, then, mighty behemoths emerge, colossal and alien monsters made of raw madness, then carried on the backs of a thousand slaves, a crystal castle emerges, bastion of the lord of this army.

However, as it all comes into view, something strange… alien, is clear. The army, for all its variety and strangeness, moves flawlessly as one, as if it was a single organism. Its edges flicker and twist, in the suggestion of a massive beast, consuming all in its way.

As it advances, the terrain itself warps, shifting into alien terrain; ponies and animals caught in its wakes are either subsumed, transformed into Fae creatures if deemed interesting or useful.  Those not are torn apart, their magic, souls, emotions, and creativity harvested to feed the monstrosity.

However, before it gets too far, the Appollion canon fires, blasting into the castle; it resists, a shimmering shield of gossamer fending off the relentless assault, but it cannot stand. It collapses, the castles blasted to pieces, tearing its lord and master into its raw magical essence.  The army screams in agony, and before their eyes, melts and withers away like ash.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Larger-scale monstrosities do exist.

She shakes her head.

PRINCESS LUNA

As you can see, the Sun can fend off larger, immediate threats to Equestria... praise the Maker. As for the Moon…

The image flickers to strange, alien beings, looking for all the world like knots of coarse hair, coated in what appears to be sticky phlegm, endless strands extending from the central mass, acting as prehensile limbs, they locomoting in a bizarre, hopping gait. In their arms are screaming and crying foals, barely weeks old.

Their parents chased behind them, screaming for the monsters to stop, but unable to keep up with their strange motions, moving far faster than one would guess. They race towards a smoking hole in the air, similar to the hellgate Master Koan guarded. they leap through, pulling it shut behind them, their parents swinging their hooves their the empty air in distress.

PRINCESS LUNA

...It is a nexus. A ways between worlds. Any place that does, or could connect to Equestria, one can travel there through the moon.

The image shifts to Luna, in her study, chatting with a guard.  Suddenly, she snaps alert, and melts into the shadows of the room, leaving behind a confused guard.

The images follows the Luna-mist as it wends through the shadow of the moon, images of different worlds flickering open as she passes.  Ones of dream, ones of shimmering potential, ones of other Equestrians, and more before she dives into a shadowy, smoking realm.

Suddenly, the hopping hair-demons stop short as Luna forms in front of them, drawing silver, crescent blades, who flash as they strike.

PRINCESS LUNA

As such, it is designed to respond to more subtle threats to Equestria… and mete out punishment to those who have harmed Equestria, and think themselves immune to reprisal by retreating.

The image shifts to Luna returning the foals to their grateful, sobbing parents who hug them tight.

PRINCESS LUNA

It also has… another use.

The image shifts to view Equestria from the perspective of deep space.  

Sliding in behind it is something… massive.  So huge it blots out the stars behind it, the sun itself barely illuminating it, revealing brass-covered mechanisms, and yawning gulfs of shadow.

The scale is almost impossible to tell, putting to shame the Death Star, Unicron, and Galactus, giving you the impression that it is a universe of brass and shadow in and of itself.

Small features flicker into view: towers of illuminated gold, veins of pulsing, twisting silver, filigree of rainbow-colored metal, power arcing across them. They loom menacingly, like weapons. There’s also other, irregular areas on the surface, looking like scars, patched over with the same materials.

PRINCESS LUNA

If… Equestria was threatened, by something beyond what the Sun could hope to counter…

Appendages reaches out, even though it’s tiny compared to the rest of the behemoth, it’s more than large enough to engulf Equestria and its sun and moon with ease. Suddenly, the moon emits a bright flash of light… and Equestria and its satellites are gone.

PRINCESS LUNA

The Moon can take Equestria elsewhere.

Question 7: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Lero,

So, now that you've seen his circumstances and have gotten an apology, how do you feel about Starswirl?

LERO

I’ll be honest… before seeing what Luna showed me, I pictured Starswirl as the villain in all this.  Cackling at us all from beyond the grave.  For me, The Swap WAS Starswirl… kind of like how the One Ring WAS the Dark Lord Sauron… if that makes any sense.  

He smiles.

LERO

But then it turned out he wasn’t the psychotic warlock I thought he was. Poor guy didn’t realize that his unfinished spell WAS unfinished until he gave it a test-run… and it blew up in his face FAR worse than Twilight.  I think… between the things he did to fight his Swap and holding his own against Celestia and Luna, and the way he honestly loved them both… Starswirl was actually as cool a guy as Twilight made him out to be.

Then he folds his arms.

LERO

Though he was also a cranky old jerk, too.

Question 8: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Twilight,

They say you should never meet your heroes. What are your thoughts after having done just that?

Twilight is looking out her balcony towards the rising sun.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

“You should never meet your heroes,” eh?  Well… on one hoof, I can understand the thought process behind such a statement.  But… well… I grew up as Celestia’s student.  Many ponies FAR older than me go through their whole lives thinking Princess Celestia is absolutely infallible.  But being so close to her side, I learned very early that she isn’t.  But that knowledge didn’t crush me or turn me into dejected and miserable.  I still love her and hold her in the highest regard possible.

The Soul Synthesis spell flares on her horn again.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Meeting Starswirl was kind of similar.  Yes, he was a little… less amiable than I would’ve preferred.  But in the end, he was still a good guy.  He did so much for the sake of Equestria and our princesses.  Yes, he’d made a huge mistake… but I’ve definitely made a few of those, myself.  And even at his rudest, he was still trying to help me.

She lets the spell fade.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I consider myself very lucky that the ponies I’ve picked to be my heroes are still worth looking up to after I’ve learned the worst about them.

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Says:

Dear Luna,

I don't actually have a question for you, but I offer all the comfort I can through this medium. And a hug, if Mike permits it.

PRINCESS LUNA

Gladly.

She spreads her wings and envelopes Fan Of Most Everything in them, leaning thankfully into the hug Fan gives her.

PRINCESS LUNA

A hug from a kind and goodhearted human is a treasure to be cherished.

Question 10: DanielH Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

I feel the need to apologize for the behavior of some of my fellow humans here. They have verbally abused you and driven you to tears, and this is no way to treat another sentient being.

Honeydew’s eyes widen in pure astonishment.

HONEYDEW

(quivering voice)

T… thank you.  Really, truly, THANK you, sir.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  NO ONE ever speaks nicely to me anymore… no one TRIES to understand me like you do.  I have feelings, too, and you’re the first one since… since…

Overcome with emotion, Honeydew breaks down in tears.

DANIELH

I hope you don't let their behavior further bias you from humans in general. We, like ponies and all the other sentient races of Equestria (whether you admit it or not) do have some bad instincts and sometimes let ourselves be driven by desires to hurt others (although, again, these aren't uniquely human flaws and I could point out some cases where ponies also behave hurtfully to other ponies).

For now, Honeydew is too emotional to respond coherently, one way or the other.  She goes into her bedroom, plants her face in a pillow, and cries into it.

DANIELH

However, we, also like ponies, have in general learned how to avoid these behaviors and achieve greater heights together. I would ask you to judge humans as individuals instead of by their species, just as you would for pegasi, unicorns, earth ponies, minotaurs, griffins, etc. Again, I am sorry that many of your letter writers went beyond polite questions and requests and into the territory of being just plain mean.

HONEYDEW

(still sobbing)

EVERYONE’S always ganging up on me… bullying me and calling me names… I’m just trying to be strong…

DANIELH

That said, it is a good idea for anybody (pony, griffon, human, etc.) to know more about what they'd do in extreme circumstances. Thus, in the interests of both you being able to better understand yourself and us being able to better understand you, I'm asking the following question. If you were somehow in the position to save the life of one of the people who wrote those letters, would you do it?

There is a set of folded clothes on Honeydew’s vanity.  A cheerleader’s outfit, of all things.  Like one would wear to a costume party.  

Honeydew lifts her head off of the pillow, and looks over at it.

HONEYDEW

Save their… life?

She looks from the cheerleader costume to her own rather haggard reflection in the vanity mirror.

HONEYDEW

If… if I were to be walking down the road, and I happened to come across one of those mean humans… and their bodies were broken and burning from fire… I… I would do everything I could to help…

She again looks back and forth between the cheerleader costume and her own reflection.  

HONEYDEW

...The fire.

She wipes her tears away.

HONEYDEW

For THOSE fine examples of humanity… nothing but the highest-proof alcohol!  My driest, most flammable kindling!   And charcoal galore!

A dark look enters Honeydew’s eyes.

HONEYDEW

(very bitterly indeed)

“You're a little bitch who likes melons, Honeydew!”  

“Ever thought of getting a vacation to get away from all that hate, Honeydew?”

“How many times were you bucked in the face before you decided to take up Rolling Earth, Honeydew?”

“You’re a lecherous beast of burden who thinks far too much about bonobos and how they will grind on you, Honeydew!”

“You're like an adolescent school yard bully that just discovered what sex was for the first time, Honeydew!”

“I’d lock you up in the stable until you stink of hay, Honeydew.”

“I think you have a human fetish and it makes you feel "tempted away" from your own stallion, Honeydew.”

“Hey, Twilight Sparkle, wouldn’t it be funny if you cast weird spells on Honeydew?”

“Hey there, Honeybee and Honeysuckle, would you like to elaborate further on how awful it is having Honeydew for a sister?”

“You’re horrible as Westboro Whatever Church, Honeydew!”

“I’m The Bonobo’s demonic ex-girlfriend; prepare to be snatched from your home and spirited away to my Nightmare-Land, Honeydew!”  

“I used to think ponies were a superior race until I met YOU, Honeydew, but let me tell you something for your benefit!”    

She’s breathing very heavily and noisily now.

HONEYDEW

We’ve been at this a long time now.   I certainly didn’t ASK to start up a correspondence with a bunch of humans!  It’s the last thing I wanted!  Nevertheless, from the moment you humans first insisted on contacting me, here, I’ve taken great pains to answer practically every one of your nasty little questions and respond to your spiteful little commentaries.  Dutifully, patiently and honestly.  Through you all, I have seen what the majority of humanity is like.

She takes an extra-deep breath.

HONEYDEW

You people validate all that I do.  All that I stand for.  Humans truly are diabolical creatures: vicious, twisted, perverse, and predatory.  Those who aren’t openly cruel and bullying are condescending and patronizing creatures; but all of them talk down at you.  Humans are cowards who gang up to target easy prey.  Prey like me.  Prey they see as weak.

Honeydew pulls out a bag from her closet and puts the cheerleader costume into it.  She leaves her room and starts down the stairs, opening the door to go outside.

DANIELH

What about a random human with no relation to the people who have been verbally abusing you?

Honeydew stops at her open door.  She turns around, with a sweet, regretful smile.

HONEYDEW

(softly)

I’d save YOU, Daniel.  You’re the one good eggplant in a field of nightshade, and it’s tragic you were born to such a loathsome species.  All the same, I’d march through fire for your sake.  If only YOU’D been the human who’d come to Equestria instead of… him… who knows?

DANIELH

There's also a followup question which I expect you'll be able to predict, even if you disagree that it's relevant. I won't ask that question explicitly, but could you please think about it?

She shuts the door behind her.