Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twenty-One: Новый язык

Spoilers Up To Chapter 29

Question 1: Felyon Asks:

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Ever tried growing gems? You could expand your farm and cater to dragons and diamond dogs.

PINKIE PIE

Only problem with that line a’ thinkin’ is: ya ‘cater’ ta diamond dogs much like ya ‘cater’ ta vampire fruit bats.

Pinkie Pie is out on Sweet Apple Acres, in a field of farm-grown gemstones, running trying to stomp on the heads of thieving Diamond Dogs, surfacing to steal her jewels.   It's like a living game of Whack-A-Mole.  

Question 2: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

What's it like being with Herd Bellerophon?

RAINBOW DASH

It’s wonderful.  Just wonderful.  Part of me still is still getting over the surprise, you know?  I mean, if you’d’ve told me a year ago that I’d be finding my soulmates around now… Herd Bellerophon would’ve been the last place I would’ve thought to look.  I mean… for the longest time, Rarity, Twilight, and their two herdmates had always seemed so complete at a herd of four… well, five with Spike.   And I’d never have thought I’d be their type… or they’d be mine!  

She giggles at the silliness of this assumption.

RAINBOW DASH

Shows what I know, huh, folks?  But they’ve been amazing.  All of them!  They’re considerate, helpful, kind… and they really do love having me around.

She sits in a chair.

RAINBOW DASH

Now, I know I’m a high-maintenance girl.  But in this family, no one minds that I’m a bit on the shy side.  No one minds that I’ve got sixty bajillion animals to care for.  They don’t even care that I’m bent!  They all love me with all their heart.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  

(sighs happily)

Me being a Herd Bellerophon mare’s still a pretty new thing, though.  Hasn’t even been a full week, yet, so I’m still settling in, so to speak.  Though I’m learning the ropes a lot faster than I would’ve expected!  

Suddenly, she gets a bit pensive.

RAINBOW DASH

Funny thing… the longer I’m in that house, the longer I’m with them… the more there’s this other part of me, saying that I was always mean to be there, anyway…

Then, shrugging, she smiles.  

RAINBOW DASH

I suppose that must be a natural part of joining a herd, huh?  

Question 3: FanOfMostEverything Says:

Dear Doctor:

You don goofed. Now you have to apologize to Derpy.

and Zer0prototype also asks:

Dear Derpy:

Did the doc explain the date was just an extensive scheduling error? How's Colgate and Dinky?

The Doctor canters away from the house where Cheese Sandwich is part of Herd Bellerophon.  He enters his TARDIS.

THE DOCTOR

No need for apologies.  No need for explanations.  No need for tears.  A time machine got me into this mess… and a time machine will get me out!

FIVE YEARS BACKWARD IN TIME…

Lero, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Lyra, The Doctor, Colgate, and Derpy are all sitting at the same table in a high-end restaurant, dressed to the nines.

COLGATE

...And so then he says, “2:30 P.M.!”  

Uproarious laughter from everyone at the table.

LYRA

Well, that just goes to show how important punctuality is.

Rainbow Dash grins at The Doctor.

RAINBOW DASH

Bet a clockmaker like you HATES latecomers, eh?

The Doctor laughs nervously.

THE DOCTOR

I actually tend to be more forgiving of latecomers.  Losing track of time could happen to anyone!

The lights in the room flicker weirdly.  It gives everyone momentary pause before they continue on.

RARITY

So let me ask… what was it about our happy little herd that piqued your interest?

THE DOCTOR

Well, Lero, himself, is actually a big draw for us.

RARITY

Oh, really?  You like Lero?

THE DOCTOR

I respect him.  Lero’s an alien here, the only one of his kind, but he loves the people of this world.  He bends over backwards for others.  Not for fame and fortune, but to save those he loves, and shield them from chaos and ruin.  I see a lot of myself in him.

Lero’s awed by The Doctor’s praise.

THE DOCTOR

Plus, he’s got four wonderful ladies who aren’t just smart, brave, and capable, but very easy on the eyes!

COLGATE

(eyeing Herd Bellerophon’s mares)

I’ll say!

DERPY HOOVES

Ditto!

The mares of Herd Bellerophon are flattered.

COLGATE

Plus, we were all very impressed by how well he treats Dinky when he foalsits her.  

THE DOCTOR

Ah, yes!  Dinky thinks the world of Lero.

DERPY HOOVES

(to Herd Bellerophon as a whole)

What do you guys think of foals?

RARITY

I adore foals.  We all do.

All of Rarity’s herdmates are nodding in agreement, as the lights flicker again.

RARITY

In fact, Lero and I, especially, have been trying to have a foal of our own. You see, Twilight’s able to transform him into a stallion, temporarily…

DERPY HOOVES

Really?

Rarity opens her purse and draws out a photo of Lero’s stallion self for the mares to look at.  Derpy and Colgate smile very approvingly.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Actually, we’re already raising a little one of our own, even if he isn’t an actual foal.

COLGATE

Ah, yes!  Spike!  Such a well-behaved drake!  And he always takes care of his teeth!  

LYRA

You know, I could easily see Spike and Dinky getting along well as a brother and sister.

DERPY HOOVES

So could I!  

THE DOCTOR

Let me ask: how do you each of you feel about travel?  

RARITY

Travel?  Well, none of us are strangers to travel.  I, myself, voyaged to all sorts of countries in order to master the art of weather when I was but a girl.  

LYRA

I’ve just recently come from a long sabbatical to expand my studies of the Still Way.  It took me across three different continents.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

As Element Bearers, we’re sometimes called upon to different countries to perform tasks for Princess and country.    

RAINBOW DASH

(nods at Twilight)

What she said.  Plus, I’ve studied all sorts of animals in all sorts of different habitats.  

THE DOCTOR

But do you ENJOY it, is what I’m asking?  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, we…

But then the lights flicker again completely out: the whole room goes pitch dark for about twenty seconds!  This time, when the light returns, all eight of them have vanished from the table.  

SOMETIME LATER...

Lero Michealides opens his eyes.  He’s lying face-down upon a cavernous floor.  Lichen on the walls provides some bioluminescent light.

LERO

What…?

DERPY HOOVES

[GROANS]

COLGATE

Oh, my head… DERPY!  

DERPY

Colgate!

The two wives share a reassuring hug and kiss.  

LERO

Where are we?

DERPY HOOVES

Dunno.  Uh… a cave?

(suddenly alarmed)

Where’s The Doctor?

COLGATE & DERPY

(overlapping each other)

Doctor?  Doctor!!  Doctor, where are you?!

LERO

Twilight!  Rainbow!  Rarity!  Lyra!

There are several tunnels branching out from this strange new place that Lero, Derpy, and Colgate now find themselves in, but their voices just echo.  The three of them are all alone.

Until a figure glide in through one of the tunnels.  The three of them all freeze up in horror.

COLGATE

No…

LERO

A Dalek?

Colgate stares at Lero.  

COLGATE

You KNOW about Dal…?!

DERPY HOOVES

LOOK OUT!!!

Their enemy swings its blaster at the three of them.

Daleks look like vaguely cylindrical, animated tanks.  A four-foot man might squeeze inside one with some discomfort.  They are each equipped with a shooter (that looks like an egg whisk) and a multipurpose interactive apparatus, (shaped like a plunger.)  

They see the world through telescopic eyestalks and speak in shrill, angry hate-filled screeches.  

DALEK

YOU-ARE-NOT-THE-DOCTOR!  NOT-THE-DOCTOR!  NOT-THE-DOCTOR!

MEANWHILE...

The Doctor, Rarity, Lyra, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle find themselves in a COMPLETELY different place: a room with an electrified floor.  If not the cloud Rarity conjured for the five of them, they’d be zapped like bugs.  

THE DOCTOR

Don’t panic!  I’ve been in these situations before; just keep calm!  

A screen against the wall turns on.  It shows Angel Bunny wearing a futuristic collar around his neck.  A voice issues forth from the collar: synthetic yet smooth and filled with genuine emotion.  In this case: dislike.

ANGEL BUNNY

You!  Mr. Stallion!  You’re NOT Lero!  Not even a transformed version of him!  Identify yourself!!!

Question 4: TheOnlyOneWhoCared Asks:

Dear Mike Teavee,

Does anything here influence the actual story?

MIKE TEAVEE

More than you’ll ever know!  Let me just give a few examples.

Mike pulls up old questions submitted to Ask The Swapped Ponies.  

SPINEL STRIDE

Dear Lyra: Have you asked Lero about human-style martial arts?   (If so, and if you are considering creating a new form for Lero to learn for self-defense against pony opponents, I recommend calling it 'Screaming Monkey Style' or 'Active Path' depending on whether Lero can be convinced to let out Tarzan yells when he uses it.)

MIKE TEAVEE

Spinel’s question here helped inspire this scene in Divided Rainbow:

“But now let’s review the details of next year’s sabbatical!”  Rarity said, gently pulling Lyra’s hind legs out from beneath her.  With her arms, she was working her way along Lyra’s left hind leg... with magic, she was massaging Lyra’s right hind leg.   “This time, instead of you alone, all five of us will be journeying together as a family!  We’ll be traveling to high, faraway Mt. Longhorn, in order for that minotaur grandmaster friend of yours... what was his name?”

“Brass Knuckles,”  the aqua unicorn breathed, almost sleepily.  Behind her back, Twilight and Lero grinned at one another.  

“Yes... in order for Brass Knuckles to develop a unique martial arts, tailored for our stallion’s one-of-a-kind body.”  Rarity thought a moment.  “What’s more, this style is intended NOT for him to defend himself against other humans, but strictly for beings shaped nothing like himself!”  

MIKE TEAVEE

And this gem from Super Big Mac…

SUPER BIG MAC

I've a question for Twilight. How difficult has it been to find other resources or cases about mind-swapping and/or other such happenings?

MIKE TEAVEE

That planted a seed in my mind which sprouted into this lengthy passage in Chapter 19:

“Fair enough.”  Lyra replied.  “Just try to ask him when you get a chance.  In any case, Twilight, since you couldn’t find any other instances of a Mark Swap... did you find situations SIMILAR to what we’re going through?”

“Oh yes!”  said Twilight.  “There’s Body Swaps, for one!”

“Yeah, tell us about that!”

Body Swaps!  Memories of every single long-running cartoon series he’d ever watched as a boy came back to Lero’s head.  Almost inevitably, there’d always been one episode where there’d be some form of switcheroo, which was somehow always fixed by the episode’s end.  On one hand, he could hardly blame them for wanting to undo their Swaps as fast as possible.  On the other hand, a grudging side of Lero would’ve loved to see how those cartoon characters would’ve handled half of the stuff he’d been put through!

MIKE TEAVEE

And then, this one from a LONG time ago…

ZONTARGS

Dear Twilight, Lyra, and Lero if he has any info on the subject: The Elements of Harmony seem to be at the core of any plans to deal with existential threats to Equestria. Back when Celestia and Luna were taking down evil kings and the like, they had access to the powers of the Elements. Now that the Elements are tied to Twilight and her friends, do the princesses have some sort of contingency plan in case one or more of you six are somehow incapacitated?

MIKE TEAVEE

Inspired this bit in Chapter 29:

Ancient runes glowed along ancient seams, closed for time beyond memory; Slowly, the glowing surface pulled back and locked into place, revealing the core of ancient, magical fusion empowering the massive artifact — as well as the tines of magical golden metal meant to focus its power to a point.

MIKE TEAVEE

Then, of course, all of BadWolf9510’s Irish contributions…

BADWOLF9510

To Honeydew:  Ní gá duit meas mo ridire. Tá mo ridire speisialta dom. Lómhara. Ní maith liom leat. B'fhéidir gur chóir dom a thaispeáint duit ach cad ba mhaith liom a dhéanamh a thabhairt duit má tá tú easpa measa air riamh arís.

An bhean uasal.

MIKE TEAVEE

Led to the creation of its own spinoff fanfic.  So in a word: yes.  So go ahead, and keep these questions coming!  Who knows?  Maybe a question you ask here WILL shape the plotline of Divided Rainbow!  

Question 5: TheOnlyOneWhoCared Asks:

Dear Lyra,

Why does everyone assume you have a human fetish or something of the sorts?

LYRA

It’s because… I kind of do.  It pretty much developed sometime way back when Princess Celestia had first assigned me to keep watch over him.  

She shrugs.

LYRA

I’m not ashamed to admit it: it wasn’t JUST Lero’s marvelous personality that first attracted me to him.  But I think what ponies DO get wrong is that they believe my fetish centers around his hands.  Probably because I call him ‘Fingers.’

Lyra smiles in a slightly bashful way.  

LYRA

He ALWAYS puts those fingers of his to wonderful use, and I HAVE come to love them… but physically speaking, the most attractive part about Lero is not his hands, but his bipedalism.  

Her cheeks flush and she gives a dreamy sigh.

LYRA

The way Lero’s able to stay on two legs like that for all waking hours of the day, the way he walks on them, and even the way he bends forwards… upright, when all my equine instincts tell me he ought to be falling… it’s like he’s the embodiment of all the poetry and philosophy I hold most dear.    

She smiles towards the readers.

LYRA

Clearly, my Still Way training’s had something of a corruptive influence on my thinking, wouldn’t you say?  

Question 6: BadWolf9510 Delivers:

BABA YAGA

Гнилые дети должны уважать старших, и крестьяне, как вы должны поклониться перед вашими кто выше, как и молодой рыцарь. Это старая ведьма может видеть в вашем сердце, ребенок, я вижу распад там. Может быть, я должен показать вам, что произойдет со всем, что гниль!

Honeydew gapes.  She stands in front of her bedroom mirror.

HONEYDEW

Once again, I find myself harangued in some weird foreign tongue.  It’s not even the same LANGUAGE as last time...

Just then, a clay flowerpot falls from the ceiling and shatters on Honeydew’s head from a high shelf. As she cries out in pain and shakes dirt and broken crockery off her head, she spots a folded note amidst the potting soil.  

HONEYDEW

(reading the note)

“Rotten children should respect their elders, and peasants like you should bow before your betters, like the young knight. This old hag can see into your heart, child, I see the decay there. Maybe I should show you what will happen with that rot!  P.S. - Baba Yaga, Baba Yaga, Baba Yaga.”

Upon the third repetition of ‘Baba Yaga,’ her mirror SHINES.  A great bludgeon of some sort hits Honeydew’s head, stunning her where she stands.  Then a gnarled old hand shoots out, grabbing Honeydew by her throat, and pulling her inside the mirror.

Honeydew now finds herself in another world.  The ground is twenty feet down from where her body dangles.  The only reason Honeydew isn’t falling is because she’s being held by the throat of a monstrous individual: Baba Yaga.

Baba Yaga is an ogress, a witch, and a hag all at the same time, but with a shockingly tall and broad-bodied physique.  Long, jagged, and discolored are her fingernails and teeth.  Her nose is like some kind of protuberant gourd wrapped in living skin.  Her hair is tied back in a red babushka, and her body is clad in a female tunic-dress that would not look out of place upon an actress performing in Fiddler On The Roof.

Interestingly, where other witches might be expected to ride upon flying broomsticks, Baba Yaga rides inside a giant floating mortar.  A great pestle is clutched in her other hand: the hand not wrapped around Honeydew’s throat.  

HONEYDEW

Sweet Celestia!  You are the most hideous primate it has even been my misfortune to lay eyes upon!  Are you the she-human that spawned that inequine creature Rarity has intercourse with?!

BABA YAGA

нет.

HONEYDEW

I’m sorry, What did you just say?  ‘Knee?’ ‘Net?’ ‘Yet?’

BABA YAGA

(with anger)

нет!

HONEYDEW

Oh.  You said all three at the same time.

Baba Yaga’s eyes glow with strange power as she sticks her lengthy tongue out.  Soon enough, the same strange glow surrounds the hag’s tongue. Honeydew is stunned.

HONEYDEW

You… you stay away from… hahhh???

As they float down towards the ground, Honeydew suddenly is compelled to stick her own tongue out, as though tasting something horrible upon it.  The SAME GLOW that’s on Baba Yaga’s tongue shines on Honeydew’s!

And then, unbelievably, Baba Yaga’s tongue PULLS FREE of her mouth!  As if torn out by an invisible hand!  

And the same thing happens to Honeydew’s tongue!  

Honeydew’s tongue floats into Baba Yaga’s mouth and attaches itself to the roots of her old tongue.  And vice versa with Honeydew.

Baba Yaga rolls her new tongue around her jagged teeth.

BABA YAGA

(thick Russian accent)

Now I talk with tongue you understand, yes?

HONEYDEW

(completely freaking out)

Общее количество! Общее количество! Это мне в рот! Это так отвратительно и большой!

Baba Yaga brains Honeydew with her enormous quarterstaff of a pestle.  

HONEYDEW

(boiling fury)

Как ты смеешь меня ударил!

(stops; reflects on what's coming out of her mouth)

Подождите ... Почему я звучать так странно?!

BABA YAGA

You sound the way you sound because you are speaking with my tongue, peasant horse, and I am speaking with yours.

HONEYDEW

Вы можете понять, что я говорю?

BABA YAGA

Yes, I understand what you say!

With great effort and concentration, Honeydew does her best to force Baba Yaga’s tongue to speak English words.

HONEYDEW

Maaaaaaaa naayyyaahmmme eeeees Haahnaaayduuuu.

BABA YAGA

(sneering coldly)

I am Baba Yaga.

HONEYDEW

(threateningly)

Дайте мой язык обратно! Или я откусывайте этом язык мне в рот! Тогда я выплюнуть! И тогда я буду разбивают это!

BABA YAGA

Go ahead.  Bite off the tongue in your mouth.  Go ahead.  Smash it into jelly; carry out your threat.  Then I would have no choice but to keep this tongue of yours for myself.  And you can go tongueless.

Baba Yaga stares at Honeydew like a chess master who’s forced her opponent into check.  Honeydew fidgets in dread.

HONEYDEW

Что происходит?! Где я?!

BABA YAGA

This place is my home.

Honeydew looks around at at bleak and inhospitable-looking countryside; with many scary-looking trees.

BABA YAGA

That house is my house.

Baba Yaga’s house is the ONLY house within eyesight.  And BOY, what a house it is!  A hut with a thatched roof that stands upon chicken legs.

HONEYDEW

(incredulously)

Куриные ножки?

The hut’s chicken legs scratch at the ground.  It seems agitated, for some reason, and Baba Yaga does not overlook this agitation.  

BABA YAGA

A house that can run is a house that is nice.

She thumps her pestle authoritatively upon the ground.  The chicken-legged hut obediently sits down, opening its door.  Baba Yaga's mortar floats inside.

BABA YAGA

(to Honeydew)

Go in.

HONEYDEW

(won't cooperate)

Я не собираюсь там!

BABA YAGA

Rotten peasant horse WILL go inside if she knows what’s good for her.

HONEYDEW

(bares her teeth hatefully)

Нет! Я лучше умру!

Baba Yaga SMILES to hear that Honeydew 'would rather die.'  Then she enters her chicken-legged hut, not QUITE closing the door all the way behind her.      

Honeydew sneers at the hag, then looks around, trying to get her bearings.  So much forest is around her.  Which way should she even GO?  

And… what are those strange noises?  Like many bats and rats together…

She turns to the side to see a SWARM of wingless grinning things, all as big as she is.  A hodgepodge-variety of them.  They’re the ones making the noise.  Their legs never touch the ground for very long.  They float.  They leap over trees.  Their eyes are fixed on Honeydew.

She turns left and runs!  Galloping for her life… almost running straight into ANOTHER SWARM!  

She turns left again and tries to make a run for it: ANOTHER SWARM!

So many of them!  So MANY OF THEM!  Thirty or so to every swarm!  

Floating towards Honeydew and leaping towards her… they’re even DESCENDING DOWN STRAIGHT FROM THE SKY!!!  

She turns left again; there’s Baba Yaga’s house!  Without a second thought, Honeydew dashes for its door, throwing herself inside!  It locks itself behind her, and the chicken-legged hut stands up and runs for it, heading off to some completely different place altogether!  

BABA YAGA

(from inside the house)

Now we can begin.

MIKE TEAVEE

To be continued…

Question 7: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

What was it like having your interdimensional guest over?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

In a word: fascinating.  Fascinating to contrast the differences AND similarities between this other Lero and my own.  Fascinating to hear his story: I wish I could’ve gone along and seen the space age technology!  Fascinating that ONE world where Rainbow and I had Swapped with each other WASN’T just a dream; I had seen through a window into an alternate reality!  Fascinating because… I figured it would feel more unreal and dreamlike having a second Lero over.  But in the end, it was just like a neighbor had visited.  A neighbor who was going through a similar problem.

She sips a drink.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

The other Lero was a perfect gentleman, just as wonderful to be around.  But I noticed there was a lot of... fretfulness, beneath the surface.  Even when he was yelling angrily, there was great anxiety in him.  But I suppose I’d’ve been that way too, if I’d learned I was bewitched.

She smiles.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Having him over helped me appreciate how good I actually have it.  I mean, this other Twilight has at least EIGHT Swapped Ponies to deal with, if not more!  Lyra, Bonbon, AND Derpy Hooves… poor things.  That other Twilight has had BOTH her herd-sisters swapped out with other ponies.  Her Lero and Spike aren’t on any exemption list, so they wouldn’t have been able to help her like mine have.  I just want to spend fifteen minutes in person with this other me and hug her and help her brainstorm her situation.  

Twilight shuts up entirely as she hears Rarity approach and sees her poke her head in.  

RARITY

Twilight, dear?  I seem to have misplaced a book I was in the middle of reading… you wouldn’t have happened to have seen The Lofty Firmaments?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Kitchen counter.

RARITY

Thank you!

Rarity leaves.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ha ha… oh, Rarity, if only you had known a second Lero would be coming over… oh, what a busy night that would’ve been for all of us!  

Question 8: TheOnlyOneWhoCared Asks:

Dear Discord,

Before I ask any questions, have a free hug and a fist-bump, because you're awesome.

Discord hugs and fist-bumps The Only One Who Cares Back.

DISCORD

Right on, bro!  Right on!  

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Now questions(a lot of them):Why did the show only show one day?

Discord sits before a TV, watching Magical Mystery Cure conclude, with the credits rolling.  He turns to the readers.

DISCORD

First off, I don’t believe it was one day.  Remember how, in the TV episode, Swapped Pinkie Pie was such a bad farmer that the trees on Sweet Apple Acres went barren?  And how Swapped Applejack was so bad at making dresses, she had to shut down the Carousel Boutique?  

He steeples his fingers.

DISCORD

Things like that do NOT happen overnight.  It requires TIME for that kind of deterioration.  That episode WASN'T taking place in 'real time,' buddy.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

And what is your theory on how long it will take(at this rate)?

DISCORD

(shrugs)

My personal bet is it’ll take another year at least.  In this version of things, Twilight Sparkle has to deal with Rainbow Dash and Rarity as herd-sisters, not just best buddies.  So she’s being extra-cautious.  

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

How do you like your Diaries of A Madmanverse?

DISCORD

Regretfully, I’ve never had the pleasure of reading it yet.

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Are you up for darts next Tuesday?

DISCORD

Would 8 P.M. suit you?  It does?  Cool!  See you then!  

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Are there any other draconequui?

Herd Bellerophon is at a fairground, amidst a crowd of other ponies.

LERO

Er… excuse me, please, girls… gotta answer a call of nature!

RARITY

Don’t take too long!

Lero steps into a stallion’s bathroom.  While he’s busy doing his business, Discord suddenly appears, snaps his fingers, then vanishes.  

When the human steps out of the stall, he’s shocked to see EVERY SINGLE PONY; stallion, mare, and foal, has been transformed into a draconequus!

DISCORD

There are as many ‘other draconequui’ as I feel like there ought to be, at any given time!  

THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES

Thoughts on R63 Discord?

Discord reaches down his own throat, feels around inside, then comes back holding a snapped-off rib of his.  He tosses it onto the ground, where it proceeds to grow into a full-grown R63 version of himself.  He waggles his eyebrows at her.  

DISCORD

(rakishly)

Hey, hot stuff, wanna play a few rounds of shuffleboard with me?

R63 DISCORD

(sensuously)

I thought you’d never ask!  

Question 9: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

An open question to everyone on the exemption list:

If you could choose how the Swap had happened, how would you assign cutie marks? Other than the result that wouldn't change anything, of course.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I’d swap Rainbow Dash with either Applejack (because a farm’s a great place for a physical girl like Dash), or Pinkie Pie, (because, let’s face it; Dash LOVES being the life of the party.)  

I’d swap Applejack with either Pinkie Pie, (because AJ’s also a terrific baker) or Fluttershy, (because she could put her herding skills to use with the animals.)

I’d swap Fluttershy with either Rarity, (because Fluttershy can sew dresses) or Rainbow Dash, (because, well… better a fellow pegasus get Dash’s high-altitude lifestyle than one of my Earth Pony friends!)

I’d swap Rarity with either Pinkie Pie, (because they both enjoy parties,) or Rainbow Dash…

She licks her lips.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

…Because I’ve seen the results of that, and I like it very much.

LYRA

Well, if the Swap absolutely HAD to happen, and I had to choose how… well, what I’d have done is Swap Rarity’s mark onto Sweetie Belle, Applejack’s mark onto Apple Bloom, and Rainbow Dash’s mark onto Scootaloo.  I mean, yes, it’d be… uncomfortable, watching Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash revert to a pre-adolescent mentality… but think how ENLIGHTENING it’d be for the three young ones!  Those Cutie Mark Crusaders are so intent on having cutie marks… I know it’d be an eye-opener for them, getting to experience what having a cutie mark’s actually like, along with having adult responsibilities!  And what better marks to have than the three grown mares they admire most?

Lyra suddenly goes silent as Rarity passes by her on a cloud.  The white unicorn blows Lyra a kiss as she goes, and Lyra blows one right back.  

Then the aqua unicorn has an uncomfortable thought.  

LYRA

Wait… if Scootaloo swaps with Rainbow Dash… wouldn’t that mean I’d have swapped Scootaloo into being my herd sister, then?!    

Lyra shudders, looking queasy.

LYRA

Uh… instead of Rainbow Dash, have Scootaloo swap with, uh, Spitfire!  Yeah.  Spitfire.  

LERO

Call me unoriginal, but… you remember that one time that me from the alternate universe came and visited my house?  That ‘Pony Star Wars’ thing he talked about… that’s how I’D have done it!  I mean, if I had to deal with the Swap, at least I’d be able to enjoy space-age technology and my very own personal starship!    

(frowns)

Either that, or… Twilight had mentioned a dream where Fluttershy had  Rainbow’s Mark, and Rarity had Twilight’s Mark, and Dash, herself, was the fashionista?  Part of me almost wishes I could’ve been in THAT world, if for no other reason than to prove I could’ve handled it better that THAT Lero did.

SPIKE

Applejack would be Weathermare, Rarity would be Celestia’s student, and Lero and me would swap with each other.  Also, I’d fine-tune the Swap so that after the Swap, Lero’s as small as me, and I’m as tall as him!

(shyly)

Though I’d also go out of my way to be the best big brother to Lero I could be.  Honest, I would.  If Lero were living my life, he’d be in a lot of pain.    

DISCORD

If it were MY Swap, I wouldn’t do ANYTHING in half-measures.  I’d look at the BIG picture!  Every single unicorn gets swapped with a griffon!  Every pegasus gets swapped with a donkey!  And every Earth Pony gets swapped with a Breezie!    Oh, wouldn’t it be loverly?  

PRINCESS LUNA

Were it me… I’d first make sure Discord was cooperating with his bewitchment, and then Swap the top-ranking members of my Elite Night Guard with all the members of the Wonderbolts.  

She swallows.  

PRINCESS LUNA

The thestrals are my people, and a noble race in their own right.  It… would gladden my heart, seeing thestrals venerated and idolized as superstars by the three larger pony tribes for once.  

STAR SPARKLE

Let me see… Lucent, I’d swap with Rainbow Dash.

Star grins and takes a sip from her highball.  She’s currently inside another bar.

STAR SPARKLE

Those sweet, colorful flanks would finally be mine!  Mmmhmm, let me see…  Crincille, I’d swap with that one thestral guard of Luna’s, with the pretty wings.  Glint... I’d swap with that fine-looking bartender over there, and Twilight Velvet, I’d exchange for the bartender’s assistant.  

She downs the rest of her drink.

STAR SPARKLE

Ahhh, if I had the power to Swap herdmates of mine with whatever fine piece of flank happened to cross my path, well, you’d never find a more faithful little wife than me!   And, oh yes, I’d Swap my daughter’s teacher with that changeling queen… what was her name?  Chrysalis, yes.  No one would ever notice the difference, even without the bewitchment in place.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I’d Swap Star Sparkle with Ahuizotl.   No one would ever notice the difference, even without the bewitchment in place.  

Question 10: Zer0prototype Asks:

To whomever might be aware: what was Starswirl’s cutie mark?

The ghost of Starswirl the Bearded gives a sigh, then lifts up the tail end of his wizardly robes, revealing his cutie mark.

It’s a single bell: a bell of the exact same kind as those on Starswirl’s own hat.