Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Nineteen: Greetings From The Jeremyverse

Spoilers Up To Chapter 27

Question 1: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

Which Element of Harmony do you associate yourself with the most? The elements, not the ponies?

LERO

An intriguing question!  Let’s see… first, let’s do a process of elimination.  I’m definitely not Magical… Laughter isn’t really my forte, and after all the truth-stretching I’ve been doing, I know I’m not an Honesty guy, either.  I’d like to THINK I’m kind, but there’ve been times when I’ve been insensitive to others’ feelings.  I’ve tried my best to be loyal…

He hems and haws, looking at a picture of Rarity and Rainbow Dash.  

LERO

...In the end, I’d have to say ‘Generosity.’  If there’s one thing I can stand firmly behind, it’s that I’ve been really, really giving.

Question 2: Moving Target Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

I have borne silent witness for some time now, but it is with the most recent question asked of you, as of this writing, that I have been driven to speak (For the sake of clarity, I refer to the question from the one known as Kitsuja).  Given your statements and reactions to the aforementioned question, I have become concerned for your well being.  If you can not accept the sincerity of a humans concern then pretend that what I ask comes from one of your friends, your family, or even the Princesses, if you must.  Just please be honest in your answer.  If not to me, then to yourself.  Honeydew, are you happy with your life?  Truly happy?  With everything in your life?

HONEYDEW

Of course I’m not happy.  But in the end, life’s not about happiness.  Life’s about staying true to your principles.  Regardless of who hates you for it.

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fifteen-Years-In-The-Future Original Selves Inside The Swapped Psyches,

Looks like you're never going to get your lives back after all. Have you made peace with that?

Inner Rainbow Dash is at her beach.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Well, yeah.  I mean, suppose I were to be swapped back into my old pegasus body, and so forth for my other four friends.  What then?  On one hoof, at least ‘Rainbow Dash’ would still be in Herd Bellerophon after the Big Unswap, so it wouldn’t…

(she winces)

It wouldn’t be like that first time.  Instead, my herd would have to suffer from “Rarity” leaving. It’d be devastating for all of them.   Jeremy worst of all!  My sweet little prince…

She gives a chuckle.

INNER RAINBOW DASH

I call him that all the time and it ticks him off.

She draws out a breath.  

INNER RAINBOW DASH

Yeah, after all we went through just so Jeremy could be born, I don’t want him to have to hear his biological mother tell him that none of it technically counted, and watch her walk off.  Now, I’d take an arrow for my fashionista friend, but I could never let her traumatize my family, my stallion, and my son like that!  

She scowls a bit.  

INNER RAINBOW DASH

So I had a great run as a pegasus, but those days are long gone now.  I’m putting Rarity’s old body to its best possible use.

Inner Fluttershy pokes her head out of some rainforest undergrowth.  

INNER FLUTTERSHY

At this point in my life, I’m in much the same boat as Rainbow Dash.  My son Forest Flash means the world to me, and if I were Unswapped into my old pink-maned, yellow-coated body… I wouldn’t even be part of Herd Bellerophon anymore.  Flash wouldn’t be mine, any longer, he really would be Rainbow Dash’s son, through and through!  Though, um, in all fairness, she’s been as wonderful a co-mother to Flash as to Vivace and Summer… it wouldn’t be the same!  I just couldn’t bear it!

Inner Applejack’s in some dusty landscape, that seems to suffer often from droughts.  

INNER APPLEJACK

Yeah, Ah have foals of mah own, too.  What’s more, Ah’ve broken in this swapped body of mine purdy well, yew should see the leg muscles Ah got!  Heh… way Ah reckon, Ah’m pretty much the same pony now as Ah was gonna be anyway.  Jest pinker and with a bit of a higher-pitched voice.  Not ta mention, have yew seen the state mah old orange body’s in after fifteen years a’ soft froufrou living?  

She shudders.

INNER APPLEJACK

The very idea of goin’ back in there gives me the heebie-jeebies!  

Inner Pinkie Pie’s at an amusement park, hang-gliding.

INNER PINKIE PIE

I love flying!  I love having wings!  They’re way too cool to give up!  Weeeeee!

Inner Rarity’s in a gem cave, sewing on a sewing machine.

INNER RARITY

I’m sorry, darlings, but I must be honest… I still miss having a horn to this day.  And I’d do anything to rid myself of my hick drawl.  Celestia knows I’ve tried.  Also, would SOMEPONY MIND TELLING ME WHY MY SPIRITUAL BIOME’S A DIAMOND DOG CAVE?!

INNER RAINBOW DASH

(shouting from ‘off-screen’)

Search me!  Makes about as much sense as me being on a beach!  

Question 4: DanielH Asks:

Dear Harlequin Aid,

I don't know much about Equestrian fauna, but on Earth, many species of great ape (of which humans are one example) laugh at physical humor, but humans are still the only "higher" form of life.

HARLEQUIN AID

Really?  Well, then I guess I’m lucky I didn’t publish my book on Earth, because then it’d prove that I’m sometimes prone to making huge generalizations, and of course, no comedian would ever do something so silly as exaggerate stuff!

She grins.

HARLEQUIN AID

But you can take my word for it: Equestrian great apes don’t laugh.

DANIELH

Additionally, although it's probably not relevant to humor per se, most mammals have a laughter-like response to tickling. I know there are non-sapient equines, such as horses, in Equestria; are there any near-sapient ones like the Earth great apes, and if so do they have a laughter-like response?

HARLEQUIN AID

Hmmm….

A horse -- not a pony, but an actual HORSE -- is grazing in some meadow, out in the great outdoors.  

Harlequin Aid approaches the horse cautiously from behind; as you or I might approach an unsuspecting chimpanzee.  Clutched in her mouth is a feather that’s as long as a pencil.  

The great equine animal just grazes on… until it feels light ticklish feather-strokes around its legs.

HARLEQUIN AID

Coochie-coochie-coo!  

The horse swats his tail as though Harlequin were a fly.  But she keeps it up.

HARLEQUIN AID

Coochie-coochie-coo!  Coochie-coo!  Coochie-coochie…!

Snorting humorlessly, the horse rears back a leg and bucks Harlequin Aid square in the jaw.  She lands in a rather rotten pile of horse apples.  

HARLEQUIN AID

(bitterly)

I think I heard you humans ride these brutes as beasts of burden?  If so, you’re WELCOME TO THEM!

Then she spits out a piece of horse apple.

HARLEQUIN AID

Tastes so… chemicalish.

Question 5: DanielH Asks:

Dear Tree of Harmony,

If you were to need the Elements back, would they still work for you with everything else going on?

TREE OF HARMONY

Well, we won’t know for absolute certain until it’s tried, but I actually feel pretty confident if I needed the Six back, they’d still work!  After all, the Elements were never intended to be isolated from one another.  They were always meant to intermingle.  To unify and combine.  That’s where Harmony COMES from: them joining together!  Take it from me.  

Wind rustles past the Tree of Harmony.

TREE OF HARMONY

A thought just occured to me.  Of the original Six, I think only Magic can still lay claim to being an Element nowadays.  Speaking technically, of course.  After what that spell did to them, the other five are more like the Compounds of Harmony, wouldn’t you say?  

Leaves fall to the ground as the Tree of Harmony’s boughs shake in arboreal merriment.  

TREE OF HARMONY

Ha ha ha!  I mean, have you looked at the state they’re now in?  Ha!  We’ll have to come up with new names for ‘em!  Loyarosity!   Laughdness!  Kindlty!  Generonesty!  Honaughter!  Ha ha ha!!!

Then the Tree of Harmony gets a hold of itself.

TREE OF HARMONY

Do forgive me, my friends, one must always be coming up with one’s own entertainment when one’s a tree.  

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fifteen-Years-In-The-Future Princesses,

Fifteen years ago, Twilight Sparkle cast Starswirl's unfinished spell and swapped all her friends around. They all eventually found ways to get on with their lives, as we can tell by them spending two years having Lero bear foals for them, but never did get back to their original lives. How does that make you feel about making the attempt? Do you think you'll ever ask anyone to attempt finishing that spell again, or has it done enough harm?

Princess Celestia draws a deep breath, then speaks resolutely.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Starswirl’s spell must one day be rectified.  I am just as committed to this as I was once committed to transforming Nightmare Moon back into Princess Luna.

She looks over at a picture of herself with Twilight Sparkle.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I want it known that I am very proud of my faithful student.  Twilight saved my dear sister.  She and her friends brought Discord to the side of good.  She was instrumental in thwarting a changeling invasion.  She and her friends saved the Crystal Empire.  And they’ve gone on to accomplish so much more since those early years.  The Scorpion Collective.  The Whinnypeg Secession.  Dr. Macaroni and her armada of Mech-quines.  My birthday party, last Thursday.   Our world is deeply in their debt.  Nor am I sorry the attempt was made.  That sweet colt Jeremy shows every sign of growing into a fine stallion… and if not for the Swap, his father and mother would never have fallen in love.  

She looks over at pictures of some of the other Swapped Element Bearers with their sons and daughters.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

(smiling)

He’s not the only one, either!

She looks away from the pictures.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

However, I have quite a long life ahead of me, yet.   I’m in no great rush.  I intend to wait until my six Element Bearers have all passed on to their greater reward.  Then, the Elements of Harmony will be bequeathed to a new set of heroes, strong in the magic of friendship.  Eventually -- maybe not the first set after Twilight and her friends, maybe not even the tenth -- there will come a unicorn even smarter, stronger, and more attuned to the Elements than Twilight Sparkle.  And then, after she’s sufficiently proved herself, I’ll assign her to fix Starswirl’s spell, and pray for better results.  

Celestia hangs her head.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

May all my little ponies forgive me.

Question 7: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia,

So it seems Twilight Sparkle's gotten good enough at a gender-swap spell that she can keep it going for two years straight, across her entire herd, including Spike. What was your reaction to seeing Twilight Stallion the first time?

Twilight Sparkle and his five Swapped friends all gallop into Celestia’s throne room.

PINKIE PIE

We came as soon as we could, Yer Majesty.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

For which you have my deepest thanks.  Time is essential in this matter of gravest urgen… excuse me, sir, who might you be?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

I’m… um… Rainbow Dash.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

No, you’re not, you’re a…

And then she looks at Dash’s Butterfly Mark.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

...Oh.  

PINKIE PIE

(rolls her eyes)

This again.

FLUTTERSHY

Hee hee hee!

APPLEJACK

(through a smile)

Now, now, Shy, y’all shouldn’t laugh.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Forgive me, Rainbow Dash.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

It’s okay.  It happens.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

A-anyway, it pains me to inform you is that Equestria is facing its darkest hour yet.  A ten-thousand-year-old evil has resurfaced in the green vales of Vanhoover.  It…

The princess breaks off to gape at the sight of her student as a stallion.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

It’s me, Princess Celestia.  Twilight Sparkle.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I know it is.

She comes up to whisper in his ear.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Are you even working on Starswirl’s spell anymore?  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

It’s complicated!

PRINCESS CELESTIA

We’ll talk later.

She pulls away, addressing all three of the stallions.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

Is there any way you three could change back to your old genders?  It’d make things much easier for when you’re at Vanhoover.  

RARITY THE STALLION

Begging your pardon, Princess Celestia, but that brings up an important point.  If you’re sending us off someplace else, Lero shall have to come along with us.  

PRINCESS CELESTIA

...Along?

RARITY THE STALLION

Well, Lero is pregnant with our foals.  In order for him to remain a mare, Twilight needs to cast a spell on her every six hours, every day.  Otherwise, the triplets would surely die if he were ever to revert back to male form before their birth.

Awkward silence ensues.

PRINCESS CELESTIA

I suppose there’s room enough on the train for a seventh passenger.  And I’d need to write a letter of explanation to Vanhoover’s mayor.  And probably include photographs of yourselves…

Question 8: Raneko Asks:

Dear Princess Luna,

Can you intentionally give a pony nightmares? And if you could would you give Honeydew nightmares for her awful treatment of poor Lero?

PRINCESS LUNA

Yes.  Yes, it is well within Our power to give ponies nightmares.  But We refuse to do such a thing to this mare Honeydew.

She looks up at the moon which had once been her prison.

PRINCESS LUNA

A thousand years have I been ‘Nightmare Moon.’  A queen of nightmares.  A thousand years, have my little ponies feared me.  This Honeydew is not worth slipping back into the blackest of old habits.   Not worth becoming a boogeymare again.  

She looks over at the readers.

PRINCESS LUNA

Moreover, We have stolen inside Honeydew’s dreams.  She hath nightmares enough on her own.  Our help she needs not.  

She shivers.

PRINCESS LUNA

Almost enough to frighten me away from that poor human...

Question 9: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

Did you ever point out to Rainbow Dash that Bulk Biceps is the very definition of over-muscled? How did that go?

Pre-Swap Rainbow Dash is flying through the air at a low altitude with Lero on her back, but then she slows to let Bulk Biceps shoot past the two of them.  

BULK BICEPS

Gonna add MORE WEIGHTS to the weight machines at the gym today!  Yeah!  YEAAAAH!!!!!

They both watch the burly pegasus fly off.  

LERO

Dash, did you see that guy?

RAINBOW DASH

What?  You mean Bulk Biceps?

LERO

Is that his name?

(pointing)

Well, I'd say Bulk Biceps is pretty much the very definition of over-muscled.

RAINBOW DASH

(laughs)

Yep!  No arguments here, big guy!

Then she picks up speed, and they continue on.

Question 10: Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Fluttershy:

What is it like living with the Cakes (a monogamous couple)? Do they let you take care of the twins?

Pound and Pumpkin Cake are in high chairs, giggling happily in Fluttershy’s direction.  

FLUTTERSHY

Well, in a couple of respects, the Cakes are like my old family, back on the rock farm!  Pa used to have three wives, but my other two Mas died when I was a much younger filly.  I don’t have a lot of memories of them.  And Pa never remarried other mares after that, so growing up with Ma and Pa was like the next best thing to being raised by an actual monogamous family.  Though I was the only one to simply call my Ma ‘Ma.’   To Inkie, Blinkie, and Maud, she was always ‘Ma Sue.’  

Fluttershy takes a cloth napkin, and wipes mashed bananas off the twins’ faces.  

FLUTTERSHY

So you could say I really don’t know WHAT it’s actually like, living in a polygamous herd. Though, comparing Mr. and Mrs. Cake to Ma and Pa, well, the Cakes smile a lot more, they go to bed earlier, and though they work hard, they’re both a LOT more easygoing than my folks.   I love both the Cakes and the Pies, though!  

Pumpkin drools a bit with a big smile.  Fluttershy smiles back, wiping that off too.  

FLUTTERSHY

Sometimes, an out-of-town mare might actually flirt a bit with Mr. Cake or Mrs. Cake, but they’ll let her know they’re not interested.  Sometimes, they’ll ask if Mrs. Cake and I are herd-sisters, or Mr. Cake’s my husband!  We let them know I’m just an assistant, but sometimes we’ll jokingly pretend we ARE a herd for a minute or so.  Purely tongue-in-cheek stuff!

Fluttershy heads over to a shelf.

FLUTTERSHY

Just between you and me?  I’d do it, if they weren’t monogamous.  I’d gladly have become a second Mrs. Cake.  Cup and Carrot are both wonderful ponies, and I’d have LOVED to have raised sweet little Pound and Pumpkin as my own foals.

She takes down a bag of flour and returns to the babies in their high chairs.

FLUTTERSHY

Though they have one another, and that’s all they need.  I respect how deeply they love each other.   They’ve taught me that monogamy can be a really wonderful thing, if you know how to do it right!    

Standing in front of the twins, Fluttershy rips open the flour bag, and dumps it over her head.  Pumpkin and Pound burble with laughter, and the yellow pegasus happily scoops the babies up in a big, white, powdery hug, kissing their little cheeks.  

FLUTTERSHY

You two are just the BEST.  

Question 11: FanOfMostEverything States:

Dear alternate-future Honeydew,

It bred. It bred and the spawn have a taste for meat. Not fish. Meat.

A photograph of Forest Flash, which looks to have been taken from within a bush.  It shows Flash leaving his school, at the end of a school day, along with several of his classmates.  About seven different teenage fillies are giving him interesting looks.

Another photo shows Flash with two marefriends.

A third photo shows Jeremy, kissing a girl.  

HONEYDEW

Their carnivorism is only the tip of the iceberg, though.  What’s even worse; those pony-shaped bonobos also inherited something else from their sire: his inexplicably overwhelming charisma.   Those monkey-spawn have the same unnatural animal magnetism as their sire.  Its apish ways are in their blood.  I can read the writing on the wall: within a few short generations, ALL of ponykind will be flesh-chewing, cloth-wearing mutations of what equines once were.  So I did the only sensible thing a mare in my position could do.

We see that the wall these pictures are taped to, is part of a sailing ship, and Honeydew’s at the helm.  She’s EXTREMELY pregnant!  And there are LOADS of squalling young foals further back on deck.  

HONEYDEW

First, I took fertility drugs like they were going out of style.  The doctor says I’m going to be having octuplets!  Then,  I went to my local orphanage and became the legal guardian of thirty different foals: fifteen colts, fifteen fillies, so my foals will have other ponies to pick for their mates.  Then I found this distant, unmarked island and I am now transporting all of us there!  Ours shall be a purebred race, isolated from the mongrels and… hey!  Where are you going?!  Come ba…!!

Question 12: DanielH Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you can find a cure to the Swap and/or get better control over the original spell, can you see any beneficial uses? Seeing things from somepony else's point of view might be easier after a swap, for example.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh, to be sure, assuming the Swap could be brought under control, there are all sorts of practical applications it could be used for!  Imagine if psychologists and their patients could engage in 10-minute swaps with each other, it could help the doctors get a true ‘inside look’ at their patients’ mindsets!  Or, let’s say the police were in a standoff against a dangerously violent criminal who’d locked herself in a building, and had taken hostages.    Send a specially-trained field agent to Swap with the bad guy, and presto!  The Swapped Criminal frees her own hostages and gives herself over to the cops.  

She laughs.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Or, I could’ve swapped just a tiny smidgen of Old Rainbow Dash’s confidence into Old Fluttershy, in exchange for a smidgen of Fluttershy’s modesty to give to Dash.  Both would’ve been better for it, wouldn’t you say?  The possibilities are indeed endless!    

Question 13: DanielH Exclaims:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

You've become a tyrant to your animals! HOW COULD YOU?! I'd never have expected YOU of all ponies to rule by fear; you're supposed to be the Bearer of Kindness! Just look at the animals you're supposed to love and see how afraid they are of you!

RAINBOW DASH

It’s NOT tyranny, dude.  

She lets out an irritated exhale.

RAINBOW DASH

Look, buddy, I kinda understand where you’re coming from on this.  I used to think like you do, but that was BEFORE a certain bunny decided he was done being an angel and the rest of my little animal friends decided to follow his lead.  That was before good old Iron Will showed me the way.  Trust me; I am being kind.  I don’t know if you have pets or foals of your own, but  when your little darlings grow as undisciplined as mine were, the kindest thing you can provide them is discipline.  When they’re unruly, the best gift is rules.  When they’re out-of-control, that’s when you bring them under control.  Who says that tough love’s less loving than tender love?  

Question 14: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Fifteen-Years-In-The-Future Discord,

Have you been keeping the Bewitchment going this entire time?

DISCORD

Yes, I have.  

Question 15: FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Applejack,

Did you offer anything during the "calm before the storm?" I'm sure some of your muse's more whimsical creations tickle somepony's fancy.

A certain mare walks into the Carousel Boutique.  Applejack greets her from her counter.

APPLEJACK

Howdy!  Welcome tew the Carousel Boo-teek, whee everythang’s sheek, you-neek and mag-nee-feek!  What can Ah do ya fer?  

The mare stands transfixed by the sight of a particular outfit on display.

APPLEJACK

Ah call that one mah ‘Tom costume.’  Based it on a coltfriend Ah had a fling with.  Briefly...

Shameful memories cause Applejack to choke up.

APPLEJACK

...Oh, girls, how could Ah’ve been so blind?!

MAUD

You made this out of a real boulder.  Hollowed out.  

APPLEJACK

In hindsight, Ah could’ve done better using a more lightweight material, like…

MAUD

I need five of them.

APPLEJACK

Five?

MAUD

This outfit is relevant to my interests.  And will look enticing on each of my bedmates.  

APPLEJACK

W… well, Ah'll need time, but Ah’ll git right on it, Miss… what’d yew say yer name was again?  

And Now... for everyone who said that Herd Bellerophon should date The Doctor and his herd...!

There’s a knock on Lero’s door, and he answers it.  Outside stands The Doctor, looking piqued.

THE DOCTOR

You’re a git.  You know that, Michealides?

LERO

(cluelessly)

What?

THE DOCTOR

Did you forget something yesterday?

LERO

Uh…?

THE DOCTOR

Like our date?

LERO

Date?

THE DOCTOR

Between Herd Bellerophon and Herd Hooves!  Ringing any bells?!

Lero just stands baffled, as though trying to remember who this guy even is.

THE DOCTOR

We waited for you all at that restaurant, but you never came!  Derpy’s been in tears!  Says you must think her eyes are ugly!

LERO

Derpy?  Wait… I remember what you’re talking about.  

THE DOCTOR

He sees the light!

LERO

And that was FIVE YEARS AGO.  

THE DOCTOR

Five years?

Momentarily stepping inside his house, Lero returns with today’s newspaper and points at its date.

The Doctor smiles in sheepish apology.

LERO

Been joyriding in the TARDIS, Doc?

THE DOCTOR

Well, not joyriding.  There was a temporal anomaly where J.R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin switched places in time.  Awful business.

LERO

I see.

THE DOCTOR

You wouldn’t believe how much brother-on-sister stuff Mr. Martin was about to write into Middle-Earth!  HAD to intervene, you understand.  

LERO

Of course.  The hobbits deserve no less.  

Suddenly, an Earth pony stallion trots up beside Lero.

CHEESE SANDWICH

(to The Doctor)

Hiya, there, buddy!  I see you’ve met my herd-brother, Lero!  Good ta see you, what’s your name?

The Doctor takes a step back.

THE DOCTOR

I… I’m no one.  Just a traveller who lost his way.  Sorry.

The Doctor runs off.  Cheese Sandwich looks up at Lero.

CHEESE SANDWICH

Everything alright?

LERO

Right as rain.

CHEESE SANDWICH

Well, come on, then!  We still got lots of balloons left to blow up in the backyard, and the wives and the little cheesarinos don’t want you missing out on the fun!

LERO

Right behind you, Cheese.

They enter their house.  Neither of them here the VWORP!  VWORP! of the TARDIS fading away.

MIKE TEAVEE

To be continued in Round 21!  I promise!