Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Nineteen: That's Our Honeydew!

Spoilers Up To Chapter 26

Question 1: Her Ladyship Addresses Honeydew:

Ní gá duit meas mo ridire. Tá mo ridire speisialta dom. Lómhara. Ní maith liom leat. B'fhéidir gur chóir dom a thaispeáint duit ach cad ba mhaith liom a dhéanamh a thabhairt duit má tá tú easpa measa air riamh arís.

An bhean uasal.

Honeydew frowns cluelessly.

HONEYDEW

Uh... No hablo su idioma, por favor.  Look, if you have something important to tell me, I at least deserve the courtesy of being able to understand your words.  Didn’t anypony teach you basic manners?  

Then Honeydew feels something nudge her leg.  Looking down, she spots Sweetie Belle with a paper in her mouth.  

HONEYDEW

Huh?  What’s this?

SWEETIE BELLE

(uncharacteristically flat)

A translation of Her Ladyship’s words.

Eerily, Sweetie’s voice is toneless, and with almost no emotion, as she passes the paper to Honeydew.  The mare unfolds it and reads its message aloud as Sweetie Belle scampers off.  

HONEYDEW

Let’s see... “To Honeydew:  You do not respect my knight. My knight is special to me. Precious. I do not like you. Maybe I should just show you what I would do to you if you ever disrespect him again.   The Lady.”

Honeydew shakes her head.

HONEYDEW

My superior powers of deductive reasoning lead me to believe that this ‘knight’ you speak of is none other than that ape, and you... shall we say... were up in that baboon’s treetops, swinging on his twig.  Getting a taste of his rotten banana.  

She drops the letter to the floor.

HONEYDEW

First a knight, now a prince!  What a promotion!  And what a courtly aristocrat of a lover the ape fancies himself!  How DOES he inspire such fanatical devotion, even when she’s clearly an ex he dumped?  Does his monkey-spunk taste like ice-cold melon juice?  

Then she stamps on The Lady’s letter repeatedly.  

HONEYDEW

Well, I’ll tell you what, toots, you and Baron Von Bonobo of Poopflingia can each lick me, lick each other, then lick the inside of a sewer pipe!  My voice will not be silenced!  Least of all by some cowardly cockroach scuttling in the shadows of anonymity!  Why not try telling me your REAL name, Lady Nobody of Nowhere?  Or better still, if you have a bone to pick with me, come find me and face me like a mare!  I dare you!  I triple-dare you!  I’ll buck you into the next bicentennial!  I’ve fought in tournaments, you know! What chance do you stand against the likes of me?!  

Question 2: Warpd Asks:

Dear Swapped Gender Family:

What are the foals names and species?

Rainbow Dash the Stallion sets down the pet food bowl he’d been carrying.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

You want to know about our foals?  How wonderful!  Oh, I’m only too glad to show you!  

He flies over, not to the library proper, but to the house joined to it: Lero’s old house, and steps inside.

Lero’s old house has been converted into a nursery.  Toys are everywhere, and the wallpaper is patterned with teddy bears.

Rainbow has entered a room where Lero the mare lies on a bed with her pants hiked down.  Two foals are at her teats, drinking milk.  A third foal cries unhappily, awaiting her turn.  

LERO THE MARE

(very tiredly)

There, there, Viv.  You’ll get your turn.  Ouch!  No nipple-biting, please, Summer!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Hi, Lero!

LERO THE MARE

Hi, Dash, sweetie.

They kiss.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Look who I brought!  They wanted to know about our foals!

Both of them turn towards the readers.  

LERO THE MARE

Ah.  Greetings, fellow humans.  It is now my 574th day as a brood mare and I’m completely forgotten what having fingers feel like.  I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have pony fetuses growing in my womb.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

(giggles)

Oh, Lero, you’re so silly!

LERO THE MARE

(smiles wanly)

Well, you can’t take life too seriously.

Then Rainbow Dash looks back towards the readers, pointing down at the first of the foals.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

This lovely red-maned, silver-coated unicorn filly is Summer Solstice, and she’s Twilight’s.  This green-coated pegasus colt is Forest Flash.  My own wonderful son!  His rainbow mane gives it away, I know!  This other unicorn filly with the light orange coat and auburn mane is Vivace; she’s Lyra’s.  

Rainbow Dash rubs Lero’s tummy very gently with a hoof.  On top of everything else, Lero’s also five months pregnant with an all-new foal.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

And finally, our newest upcoming treasure: Jeremy-Or-Sophia.  He-or-she’s Rarity’s.  

(beat)

Very DEFINITELY Rarity’s.

Pursing his lips, Rainbow Dash leaves the nursery, stepping outside for a few private words with us.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Funny story about that.  You see, from the moment the triplets were born and Lero agreed to remain a mare for another year so Rarity could have another shot at conceiving a foal of his own...

He licks his lips.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

He did the deed with her every night.  Cast the estrus spell on her every night.  What’s more, Rarity completely monopolized Lero’s... well... her marehood.  Wouldn’t let me or Lyra or Twilight come near that part of her... though Lero’s mouth was still fair game when... um... when we were frisky for her.

He blushes powerfully, but continues.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Rarity was obsessive about this.  A stallion possessed.  He actually got a little scary at times.  But then, the obstetrician finally said that Lero was carrying his foal, and we were all able to relax.  

FEMALE SPIKE

Alright!  You’ve had enough, Flash!  It’s Viv’s turn!  

Spike pulls Flash away.  Vivace scrambles for Lero’s free teat and suckles with gusto.  Rainbow Dash comes closer, looking upon the scene with dewy eyes.  

LERO THE MARE

What?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

It’s just... you look so wonderful, nursing our foals, every bit a proper mother!  I... I wish it’d been me...

LERO THE MARE

Oh, don’t cry, Dash!  Please, please don’t cry...

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

So now you've been a stallion for an extended period (with an obvious interest in at least one mare), according to Round Eighteen. Were you bent the opposite way while you were a stallion, suddenly no interest in other stallions?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Yeah!  That’s exactly the case!  Bentness is the weirdest thing...

Lyra the Stallion and Twilight Sparkle the Stallion are in the same room with Rainbow Dash, tending to the foals.  Rainbow points to Twilight Sparkle.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Like take this admittedly hunky and handsome piece of stallion.  I love him like a brother, but I have no interest in a roll in the hay with him.

LYRA THE STALLION

(suggestive smile at Twilight)

Speak for yourself.

Twilight Sparkle smiles back at Lyra.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE THE STALLION

Behave, Lyra.  Remember our foals.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

But you both know I’d be totally all over you two as a mare.

LYRA & TWILIGHT THE STALLIONS

We know.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Even... even... well, I’ll never forget the first heat I spent with all the ponies of this wonderful herd.  My first time with a real boy.  That was when I knew Herd Bellerophon was the herd for me.

Rainbow Dash sighs regretfully.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

As a mare, I can look back on that time and all the magic of the moment hits me with full force.  As a stallion, though... I look back and the thought in my head is: ‘Lero was absolutely awesome and sweet to me.  Now if only he’d been the gorgeous mare he is today, then it would’ve been sexy too.’

Twilight Sparkle and Lyra are stunned to hear this.

LYRA THE STALLION

Rainbow... don’t you ever let Lero hear you speak those words.  You’d break her heart.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

(miserably)

I know.  I know.  

Question 4: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash,

Did you try spending some time as a stallion while Rarity, Lyra, and Twilight were still mares?

Rainbow Dash grins.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Funny you should bring that up...

(clears his throat)

Uh... you’ll notice how I’m a stallion right now?  Not to mention...

He nods at some of his other gender-bent herdmates.  

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Things are REALLY hard on Lero now.  Once again, she’s pregnant, but this time, while being the mother of three foals at once!  All the rest of us felt honor-bound to join her in solidarity again, since she needs it more than ever.

He turns back towards the readers.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

But every so often, when the mood strikes us...me and Lyra and Twilight treat ourselves to a little ‘solidarity break,’ where at least one of us goes back to her own gender!

Rarity the Stallion and Female Spike walk past Rainbow Dash, carrying fresh diapers.  

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Rarity doesn’t ever take solidarity breaks, though.  Spike doesn’t either, for some reason.  

Then Rainbow goes over towards the bathroom door.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Right now, Twilight’s letting herself turn back into a girl, while I get to be the stallion.

The door opens.  Twilight Sparkle the Mare emerges.  They grin at each other.

MINUTES LATER...

Spike’s in her bedroom, listening to the adults in their room.  Right now, they just seem to be tickling each other.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

I can’t get enough of you, you’re such a pretty girl.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Please say that again!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Huh?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Tell me I’m a pretty girl again!  No one’s called me that in ages!  I want to feel like a mare again!

FEMALE SPIKE

Cheaters.

She flips the page of a comic she’s reading.

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Your hair is so silky!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Go on...

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Your body is so curvy and petite!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

More!  More!  Tell me about my eyes!

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Your eyes are like glistening gemstones!

FEMALE SPIKE

Do they even realize how brainless they sound?

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

What an idiot I was, not seeing how truly sexy you were all along!

FOALS

WAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Oh no!

Spike hears them leave their bedroom to see to the newly-awoken babes, and calm them all down.  

FEMALE SPIKE

(snickers)

Serves you right.

She looks back down at her comic book.

FEMALE SPIKE

(sighs)

Oh, Aqua Colt, what do you even SEE in Hydro Filly, anyway?  You deserve so much better...

Question 5: Warpd Asks:

Dear Reversed-Gender Family,

Do the foals have any characteristics of a human in them?

Rainbow the Stallion looks up from playing with her foal.  

RAINBOW DASH THE STALLION

Well, none of them are even a year old yet!  Give them time.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER...

Jeremy is a fourteen-year old unicorn colt: black-coated but with the same reddish mane color and hazel eyes as Lero.  Rarity the Weathermare is his mother.  He wears blue jeans, a T-shirt, a hardy-looking green jacket, and a baseball cap.  

Jeremy’s with his father, out by the shore of a river in the Everfree Forest. It’s way late at night; with only a few lanterns left by the shore.  Jeremy’s teaching his dad to fish via gigging, (fishing by multi-pronged spear.)  

JEREMY

Easy, easy, patience is key, Dad!  Hold still, I’m attracting a bunch of them right now to your position!

Indeed, Jeremy’s horn is glowing, and there’s a magical bluish-green light underwater close to where Lero has waded into the stream.    

JEREMY

You’ll want to scoot your hand up a little further up the spear, Dad.  You’ll get better thrust.

Lero smiles wryly at his pony son, even as he follows the colt’s instructions.  

LERO

No offense, Jeremy, but how would you know?

JEREMY

(shrugging)

I just do.  Ssh!  They’re coming!  

Lero can feel the fishes brushing against his legs.  He holds off until juuuust the right moment, then drives his spear into the stream.  A wriggling flounder flaps on the tines of his spear.  

Jeremy gives a whoop of delight.

JEREMY

Good job, Dad!  Whoo-hoo!  You caught a BIG one!  Talk about beginner’s luck!

LERO

You think this one’ll be good enough for your mom’s early anniversary dinner?

JEREMY

I’ll say!  I mean… if the girl I loved were to catch and cook a fish like that just for me...  how could I not fall in love with her all over again?  I’m getting hungry just LOOKING at it!

The colt licks his lips.

LERO

(smiles)

We oughta to catch a few more.  Just in case your mom’s extra-hungry.

JEREMY

Yeah!  

FOREST FLASH

(from further in the woods)

Dad!  Jeremy!  Look out!

Out of the shrubbery jumps one messed-up beast: one part pig, one part cow and one part chicken.  A pigcowken.  Big as a deer and angry as a bear.

As an automatic reflex, Lero tosses his fishing spear at the pigcowken; it lodges itself in the beast’s shoulder, but it’s far from a fatal wound.

PIGCOWKEN

(maddened roar)

OIIINKMOOOCLUUUCK!!!  

It charges for Lero!

FOREST FLASH

DAD!

In a flash of speed, a pegasus colt one year older than Jeremy swoops in, grabs his human father and flies up with him into the sky, just before the beast can maul him.  

This is Forest Flash: Lero and Dash the Caretaker’s kid.  As with Jeremy, he’s dressed from head to hooves, only he wears forest camo.  

But the pigcowken’s not gonna take this sitting down!  It spreads its chickeny wings and takes to the skies, after Flash and Lero.

FOREST FLASH

Oh, so that’s the way it’s gonna be, is it?  Fine by me!

Forest Flash drops his dad safely in the boughs of a tree, then quickly whirls around.  There’s a wingblade on one of his left wings; he whizzes all around the pigcowken like a bullet, slicing it up!

JEREMY

Flash!  I got this!

Flash looks down, seeing his younger unicorn brother has summoned a storm cloud.  He grins.

FOREST FLASH

Finish him!

Flash backs off.  When Jeremy’s horn glows again; arcs of lightning shoots out the cloud, hitting the metal spear still lodged in the pigcowken’s side.  

It can’t take the electrocution and crashes into the ground.

While Jeremy check the pigcowken’s body, Flash brings his father back down to the ground.  Something about both colts’ clothing is worth noting: both Jeremy and Flash have special holes cut by the flanks of their pants, just big enough to expose their cutie marks for every pony to see.

Jeremy’s is a jigsaw puzzle piece.  Flash’s shows a fast-paced wind whipping past a pair of trees.  

FOREST FLASH

THAT was WAY too close!  You okay?

LERO

(reassuring grin)

Never better!  Don’t you worry, Flash, your dad’s a tough old guy.

FOREST FLASH

(sardonic grin)

Technically, you’re my mom…

LERO

(quick and curt)

Life’s too short to get caught up in technicalities.

FOREST FLASH

Fair enough.

As Flash helps him up, Lero calls out to Jeremy.

LERO

Is it dead?

JEREMY

As a doornail.

Lero and Flash come over to look at the pigcowken’s body.

LERO

I can’t believe Discord even MADE this species!  Cow, pig, and chicken… it looks so gross!

JEREMY

(interested smile)

Mmmm, yeah… beef, pork, and poultry, all in the same animal…

Forest Flash also stares down at the slain animal, practically salivating.  

FOREST FLASH

About 300 pounds of it, by the look of it.

JEREMY

Brings me right back to that griffin restaurant Dad took us too back in Canterlot, remember, Dad?

LERO

I remember.

JEREMY

What a great restaurant that was.  

FOREST FLASH

And, boy, was that a long time ago.  Shame if we left such good-quality meat here just to rot in the woods.

JEREMY

Or for some scavengers to find.

LERO

Or for your mother to stumble on, Flash.

Both boys wince.

JEREMY

Yeah, it really wouldn’t be good if Mama Dash found out about this.  Nope, nope, nope.

Flash and Jeremy turn pleading eyes on their father.

JEREMY

C’mon, Dad.  Be a pal.  

FOREST FLASH

We did save your life!  And we promise to share!  With you, and the girls and Spike!

LERO

Don’t worry, boys.  As long as you’re discreet, I won’t breathe a word to your mothers.

FOREST FLASH

You’re the best!  

Lero yawns.

LERO

Well, I think that’s enough outdoors excitement for one day, huh?  What do you boys say we head on home?

FOREST FLASH

No arguments here!  

LERO

So how’re we gonna handle the… y’know…

He nods towards the pigcowken.

JEREMY

You leave that to me.  

A little later, Lero and his sons are floating through the sky on a cloud platform Jeremy’s made.  They’re in the middle of talking, when Forest Flash says:

FOREST FLASH

Hold on, I’d like to check something.

He floats down to examine the cloud platform they’re riding on.  Sure enough, his instinct was on the money: the bottom of a pigcowken leg is sticking out from the cloud.  Flash flies out, returns to with a piece of puffy whiteness pulled from some other cloud, pats it over the leg, and it’s concealed.  

He sits down next to the other two.

FOREST FLASH

Go ahead now.

JEREMY

So like I was saying, then Press Start got all weird on me the moment the batteries on her Joy Boy Portable died.  Actually curled up in a ball and started shaking like she was, I dunno, going through chemical withdrawal.

FOREST FLASH

Right while you were both still lost on your field trip?!

JEREMY

Yeah!  And she was all; ‘You don’t understand!  It’s my cutie mark!  I gotta be able to play games!  What if I’m never able to find another battery ever again?!  What if I’m never able to play another video game ever again?!’  

FOREST FLASH

What’d you do?

JEREMY

I looked her in the eye and I told her, ‘What gives?  You’re not just a cutie mark life support system!  You’re the one in charge!’  That surprised her, but eventually, I helped get Press Start back on her hooves, and we were able to find our way back to the rest of the class.

FOREST FLASH

You totally did the right thing, li’l brother.  I mean, it's ridiculous just how much importance ponies attach to their cutie marks… and that includes my current marefriend!  I swear, you’ll never see ME falling apart like that!  Even if you were to put me in the inner city and give me a really slow-paced job, I’d still at least be able to keep it together!

All of a sudden, both boys are surprised when their father gives them powerful, heartfelt hugs around the neck.

FOREST FLASH

Dad, what...?

LERO

Having you two as my sons makes me proud to be a father.

JEREMY

(deeply touched)

Aw, Dad…!

The boys both hug him back.  

TWO DAYS LATER...

Vivace -- Lyra’s daughter -- is wearing a stylish full-bodied ankle-length dress.  Like her brothers, there is a hole cut out to show her cutie mark: a marimba.  

VIVACE

So this is what I picked out to wear to the dance next week, Mama Twilight.  What do you think?

She does a twirl.  Twilight Sparkle smiles a little uncomfortably.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s… it’s lovely, Viv.  

VIVACE

(senses the hesitation)

What?!  What’s wrong with it?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Nothing!  Nothing, I swear!  It’s as perfect a dress as you could ask for!  It’s stylish, fits your body, and matches your coat, mane, and eyes… it’s as perfect as any dress can get!

VIVACE

Then WHAT?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s just… and I’m not singling you out when I say this, Vivace, this goes for you AND your sister and brothers… do you NEED to wear clothes EVERY single day?!

VIVACE

Ergh… c’mon, Mama Twilight, can we not talk about this?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I mean what is it?  Do the four of you feel cold when you’re naked?  Maybe you have bad blood circulation…

VIVACE

No, it’s not bad blood circulation!

Twilight Sparkle gets right in Vivace’s face.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Is it your father, then?  Has Lero been telling you that being nude is evil or something?

VIVACE

No!  Dad would never do anything like that.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Then WHAT?!

Vivace scuffs a hoof on the carpet.

VIVACE

(shyly)

I just… feel so exposed whenever I go out in the buff.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Exposed?  The pony body is a thing of beauty, Vivace…

VIVACE

You wouldn’t understand.

And she runs off, into the bedroom of her sister, Summer Solstice; Lero-and-Twilight’s daughter.  

SUMMER SOLSTICE

Been a dog’s age since the last time any of us had a ‘clothes talk’ with one of our moms.

VIVACE

I’d be just as happy to never have one again.  It’s not like we’re social outcasts for wearing clothes!  

SUMMER SOLSTICE

Aw, come on.  They mean well.  

Summer wears a pair of jean shorts a hot pink T-shirt, and glasses.  But the really amazing thing is that she’s typing on a computer of her own making.

Each key on the keyboard has been personally ‘horn-crafted’ by Summer.  The computer, itself, is a video game console system she managed to reprogram; she’s typing data into a word processor of her own design while talking to Vivace.

VIVACE

Y’know, some ponies play video games on their video game systems.

SUMMER SOLSTICE

I do that too!  I have a special one set aside, just for that!

Summer Solstice nods towards a second video game console hooked up to her video game console-computer.  

SUMMER SOLSTICE

(muttered to herself)

So weird, ponies make video games, but it never crosses their mind that a computer can be utilized for practical purposes, too...

But then Vivace’s eyes fall upon something atop her her sister’s chest of drawers.

VIVACE

(aghast)

Summer!  Is that… Dad’s cell phone?!

It’s actually the very carefully dismantled PIECES of Lero’s cell phone, (the one that was still in his pocket after first returning from Discord’s world of craziness.)  

VIVACE

Summer… that’s from Planet Earth!  Dad’s home world!  The human world!  He can’t replace that!!!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

(extremely defensive)

I know!  I just needed another look at the pieces!  I was going to put it right back the way it was!  You all know I've done it a zillion times!

VIVACE

You’re going to destroy it one of these days!  You’re gonna lose a PIECE one of these days, and it’ll be broken!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

(firm and resolute)

NO.  Not the cell phone.  NEVER the cell phone.  I just needed a fresh look at its components, that’s IT.

It should be noted, here, that Summer Solstice’s cutie mark is a computer chip.  

VIVACE

Why do you do this?

SUMMER SOLSTICE

I can still remember how happy Dad was when Mom figured out a way to recharge the phone’s battery.  I’ll never forget the way he walked me through the ‘apps,’ how fun it was learning them all by heart.  All his stories about how every human being on Planet Earth owned one of these, and anyhuman could call any other human, anywhere, at anytime.  Coolest thing EVER.  Blame it on my human blood, but one day, I will bring that to Equestria, Viv.

Vivace sighs.

VIVACE

So will you be coming to Maraca’s party with me?

SUMMER SOLSTICE

You bet!  I do have an active social life to maintain!  

There’s a knock, and then Jeremy pokes his head in.

JEREMY

Hey, Viv!  Hey, Summer!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

Hey.

VIVACE

Hi, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Guess what?  All four of our moms have stepped out.  And we have a special something served up down in the basement!  

They follow Jeremy down into the basement.  Spike, (who is now the size of a 10-year-old human,) Lero, and Forest Flash are there, with a feast laid out for them: steak cuts, burgers, pork chops, the works!  

The girls’ faces light up when the smell of the meat hits their nostrils.  

LERO

Get 'em while they're hot!

SUMMER SOLSTICE

You guys are the BEST!

VIVACE

(rushing towards the spread)

Dibs on the sausages!  I totally call dibs on the sausages!

Question 6: Warpd Asks:

Dear Lero:

The herd has gotten bigger. Think a second stallion might be a possibility? You barely satisfied the mares this heat season.

We open on one of Golden Oaks Library’s reading rooms.  Lyra and Lero are on a couch; the unicorn draped over the human.  After many red-hot fast-paced days and nights, Lero has finally quelled the heat for all four of his mares... about ten minutes ago from this precise point in time.  

Lyra wears a smile of relaxed contentment.  Lero’s mouth is an open hole of wiped-out exhaustion.  

LYRA

Mmmm... you were magnificent this whole heat, Fingers.

LERO

[Feeble wheeze]

LYRA

Really came through for all four of us.  Kept rising to the occasion, again and again.

Then she stretches, yawning.  

LYRA

And I don’t think I can drink another drop of the other girls.  

LERO

[Faint moan]

LYRA

It was incredible!  Rarity was a tour de force in the bedroom once again, and Rainbow... Rainbow did me like a straight girl!  Just incredible, like a orchestral symphony composed by a deaf girl!  And she did it with a smile.  Now that’s love.

LERO

[Wince]

LYRA

I really enjoyed us as a fivesome.  To think, all our other heats are gonna be just like this from here on out!

LERO

...Lyra?

LYRA

What is it?

LERO

Remember those times we talked about whether I was open to the idea of adding a second stallion to Herd Bellerophon?

LYRA

Yeah?

LERO

I’m willing to consider the idea.

LYRA

Really?  Really?!  

LERO

(winces again)

Really.

LYRA

Hang on for a second.

Lyra leaves the room, while Lero remains on his couch.  He can hear her in the next room over.  

LYRA

Hey, girls!  You’re never gonna believe what Fingers says he’s willing to try!  

Sometime later, Lero and all four girls are gathered at the table.  The girls are abuzz with excitement.  

LERO

Now I’m not dead-set on us getting a second stallion.  We’re just exploring our options.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Mmm-hmm!

LERO

If there’s no Mr. Right out there, I’d be just as happy to keep sticking with Mr. Me.  Mr. I’ll-Just-Keep-Sticking-With-Being-This-Herd’s-One-And-Only-Stallion.

LYRA

Try fitting that on a name tag.

RARITY

You’re just finally coming to see the potential value that a second stallion can offer!  

Since Rainbow Dash is seated next to her, Rarity leans towards her ear.

RARITY

(happy whisper)

All thank to you, Rainbow!  I’m happier than ever you joined us!

RAINBOW DASH

(whispered back)

Glad to be of service!  Ooh, this is so exciting!

Lero sighs.

LERO

Yes.  Exciting.  But now let’s take a couple minutes to set our parameters and determine who Mr. Right IS for us.  

As the mares all nod and make noises of agreement, Lero brings up a pencil and paper.

LERO

Item 1: Mr. Right needs to be someone I can have a good brotherly-slash-best-friend relationship with.  Bent-towards-mares would be ideal for my needs, though he must be willing to share and share alike.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

What about straight stallions?  

LERO

(after three seconds of uneasy fidgeting)

They’ll be given consideration.  But bent-towards-stallions is right out.

Not a single voice of complaint from the girls.  

LERO

The whole idea is to have somepony help lighten the load a bit, not add more weight to my back.

LYRA

...Literally.

The other girls giggle, but stop at an unamused look from their stallion.

LERO

What else?  Any other thoughts on what qualities that’ll make Mr. Right right for us?

RARITY

He should be somepony who’s committed to making this relationship work, and doesn’t have a treacherous bone in his body.  Good with foals, too.

LERO

(copying them down onto the paper)

Lots of good ones.   Anything else?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’d be great to get a stallion who’s completely unattached to any other girl, but that could be tough.  We may want to leave the door open to boys-with-one-other-girl.

LERO

(foreseeing a bigger workload for himself during heats)

A...another girl... okay, sure, what’s ONE more girl?

RARITY

It’ll be alright, my prince.

LYRA

I say Mr. Right should be someone who’s both hardworking and able to keep his head in weird situations.

RARITY

Oh, yes, we do get into a lot of strange scenarios, don’t we?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

We do indeed.

RAINBOW DASH

Um... he should be a kind pony.  One who can appreciate animals and not be allergic.

Lero smiles.

LERO

Of course.  No animal haters in Herd Bellerophon, no sir.  

He writes it down.

LERO

Okay!  This looks good enough for a start.  Any suggestions for who’d make good candidates for us?

RAINBOW DASH

(shyly)

Big... Big Macintosh!

LERO

You like Mac?

RAINBOW DASH

(fierce blush)

I think he’d be good for me... for us, and for you, too, Lero!  

LERO

I agree.  If there was ever a pony I’d want for a brother, Big Mac would definitely be first on the list!

The human grabs another paper and writes Big Macintosh’s name on it.

LERO

Who else?

Suddenly, it’s like time has stopped.  The family freezes up like statues.  In strolls Mike Teavee through the door, seating himself at the herd’s table, facing his readers.

MIKE TEAVEE

Hi, everyone!  Usually, I’m very pro-fourth-wall, and don’t like injecting myself into my own story like this.  But I figured the direct approach would be best for what I’m about to say.

Mike leans forward in his chair.

MIKE TEAVEE

Here’s the deal: I’m willing to try making the whole ‘Herd Bellerophon tries dating stallions’ an ongoing story arc, similar to what I did for a certain mac tíre dona... if you’ll pardon my Fae-speak.  All you, the questioners, have to do is suggest stallions they could try dating, and we’ll see how it goes from there.  Let’s see how this goes!

Question 7: Warpd Says:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Congratulations on finding a home, now to attach your house to theirs.

RAINBOW DASH

(brightly)

Yep!  Believe you me; soon as the heat’s completely run its course, that’s the first thing on our agenda!  

WARPD

Don't you think Discord deserves a really nice gift for all the help?

Rainbow Dash is leading Discord into a room of her house.  The draconequus has both his hands over his eyes.

RAINBOW DASH

You can open your eyes now!  

Discord lowers his hands.   A banquet has been laid out before him: one of the oddest banquets imaginable.  Rainbow Dash stands by it proudly.  

DISCORD

(gasps in delight)

I... is this all for ME?

RAINBOW DASH

Every bit of it!

DISCORD

I don’t believe it!  Honey-baked jigsaw puzzle pieces!   Dental floss in marinara sauce!  Slow-cooked barnacles!  Pickled whoopee cushions!  Barbecued quilts!  Toothpaste stew!   Oh, and this couldn’t possibly be banana peel pie you made for me?  

RAINBOW DASH

And a nice tall bottle of peanut oil to wash it all down with!

Discord is very, very touched.

RAINBOW DASH

I know you were playing matchmaker with us.  You had a hand in helping bring me and Lero together.  And this is just a small token of my very big thanks.  

DISCORD

Well... while I did have a hand, it was a very small hand.

He shows her his right hand... which is suddenly vestigially tiny.

DISCORD

Most of it came from you.  From both of you.   But I don’t deny I was hoping this would happen.  

He sets both hands on both of Rainbow Dash’s shoulders.

DISCORD

What I’m about to say, I’m speaking from the core of who I am to the core of who you are: the good kindhearted girl who opened my heart to friendship... she deserves to enjoy the love and adoration of a guy who’ll not only treat her right, but treasure her always and count himself impossibly blessed for each individual moment she deigns to spend in his company.  

RAINBOW DASH

Oh, Discord!  You’re such a wonderful friend!  

She hugs him.

DISCORD

You’re welcome.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, the feast awaits!

Seating himself at the table, he takes a set of chopsticks and breaks them apart.

DISCORD

Itadakimasu!

And then he starts his feast by eating the table.  

Question 8: Warpd Says:

Dear Honeydew,

How adorable, you're like an adolescent school yard bully that just discovered what sex was for the first time. With just as much sophistication. Touching you? Don't be ridiculous, a bit and harness is all I would have for you.

HONEYDEW

And you all wonder why I find humans so despicable!  

WARPD

I’d lock you up in the stable until you stink of hay. Though given how much nethergloss you've applying lately you most likely already stink of hay.

Honeydew examines her own rear end with the aid of mirrors.  

HONEYDEW

Hay stinks to monkey noses?  Fascinating!  Then I’ll have to apply EVEN MORE of my very special...  

She holds up a tube of nethergloss.  

HONEYDEW

Hay-scented nethergloss!  Drives the colts absolutely WILD, and apparently acts as ape repellent, to boot!  Two wonderful uses for the price of one!    

WARPD

And that nonsense about us not being able to handle more than two partners in a marriage? Little equine, we have two-partner relationships because we don't have all the baggage you carry. You are a prey species you need all the help you can get.

HONEYDEW

‘Prey’ species, am I?  As opposed to... what, predator species, yes?  Predators such as wolves and bears and alligators and leopards?  You know... the silly animals we ‘prey’ keep locked up in zoos, all around the world?   The ones we section off wildlife reserves for because we ponies are just too kindhearted a species to allow all those bloodthirsty brutes to be driven to extinction?

Honeydew sneers.

HONEYDEW

Face it, termite-muncher: meat-eating curses you with a substandard intellect.  We herd because herding’s what put us ponies on TOP of all those teeth, claws, and bulk long ago... that, tool usage, and our unsurpassable smarts!

(grudgingly acknowledging pegasi and unicorns)

And... magic and air superiority too, I suppose.

WARPD  

But I will concede to your superior brain, Honeydew.

HONEYDEW

Finally!  Some recognition!  

WARPD

Just look how well you develop your loving relationship with your sisters, oh wait, you killed that.

HONEYDEW

Why, you...!  Don’t you DARE bring Honeybee and Honeysuckle into this!  Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you dare, don’t you DARE!!!

Question 9: Kitsuja Says:

Dear Honeydew,

Please take the time to examine Lero's actions when a pony is performing the same acts. Would you then care to explain how, when Lero is performing these same acts of kindness, being a dedicated worker, friendly behavior, and small moments of playful mischief are suddenly "evil and nefarious", whereas the pony would never be questioned in the first place?

HONEYDEW

Gladly!  That horrid mandrill’s ‘acts’ of kindness and friendly behavior are no more than that: ACTS.  As in an actor giving a performance!  We ponies outnumber him: what choice does he have but to play nice?!  One fine day, I’ll expose him for the faker he is!

Honeydew is in the middle of walking.  Her path takes her towards the village green.

HONEYDEW

And as for being a ‘dedicated worker?’  Ha!  Well, he USED to have a job... getting paid to feel up ponies’ bodies!  Of COURSE he’d be a masseur; it fits him perfectly!  Masseurs are all nothing but debauched defilers at heart, which is why you’ll never see ME setting hoof in a spa!  But he quit that, didn’t he?  No longer interested in earning his keep, huh?  

She’s now walking past Lero, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Lyra, who are all seated together on a blanket, smiling and chuckling with one another.  

HONEYDEW

Just look at him!  Unemployed for his second month running, and how does he spend his days?!  Visiting the local critter sitter every day to play around with her animals!  Sitting in the grass with the village idiot and just cracking jokes for hours on end!  Buying yet another set of new clothes for himself at the Carousel Boutique!      

(derisive noise)

Yes, our monkey is REALLY proving himself to be quite the SLOTH, wouldn’t you say?  I’d chop my own tail off with hedge clippers and eat it if he’s ever done a REAL day’s work in his life!  I don’t know how his mares put up with it!  Even if he WERE a proper four-hoofed stallion, as you say, I’d’ve bucked that lazy layabout out of my house after the first DAY of his freeloading!

KITSUJA

Honestly, at this point, I think you have a human fetish. And it makes you angry because you feel "tempted away" from your own stallion. Failing that, you're just kind of a jerk. Either way, I don't see a valid excuse for your behavior.

HONEYDEW

Fe...fe...fetish?!  M-m-me?!  H... ho...how dare... how DARE you!  Just what... what kind of mare do you take me for?!  One of those weirdos who constantly fantasize about feeling those alien fingers of his combing through the fur of my barrel?!  Do you think when I see how the monkey’s mares smile when they’re with him... how charmed their lives are, in general... it makes me want to be one of them?  Screw you!  I was brought up better than that!  I have a herd of my own, and we’re MUCH more in love than they are!  We’re in love the way PROPER ponies should love other ponies!  The very IDEA of me and that awful tree-crawler!  I’d rather... I rather let myself be...!

Even as she squeezes her eyes shut and gnashes her teeth, a tear trickles down Honeydew’s cheek.

HONEYDEW

JUST GO TO BLAZES, YOU TWO-LEGGED RAT!

And she gallops off in a fury.

Question 10: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Luna,

Did you ever give someone a black eye as a way of showing affection? I heard the song about it - "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!"

PRINCESS LUNA

Whilst We have blackened a few eyes in mine time, always was it a sign of hatred, ne’er love.  Although, We have smashed a pizza pie into one lover’s face once, but it was part of the lovemaking!  

(lost in the memories)

To this day, we can still recall licking the long, gooey white ropes of mozzarella off his face, the enticing saltiness of the sauce...  ohhhhh, Black Wing, WHY did you have to be born mortal...?  

Question 11: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

If you could add ponies at will to the Exclusion List, bearing in mind that whoever you DON'T add will still remember the Swapped history and will not have to do any work to keep up the charade, who would you add?

At the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse, Apple Bloom sits at a table with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.  All the girls have party hats on their heads.  A giant banner is spread from wall to wall, proclaiming: CONGRATS ON ACING THE BIG TEST, BLOOMY!

And out comes Pinkie Pie, bringing out a giant apple cake for the young girls, who all gasp in delight.  

Twilight Sparkle watches from an adjacent table next to Lero, smiling at the scene before turning to the readers.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Honestly, if you’d have asked me that question at the very start of things, I’d have put all the Swapped’s families on the Exclusion List: the Apples, the Cakes, Sweetie Belle and her parents... but these days, I know enough that’d actually be the worst thing, for everypony.  

Twilight shuts her mouth as Pinkie delivers a slice of the apple cake to her.  The purple unicorn takes a bite.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Delicious!

PINKIE PIE

(proudly)

Baked it mahself, and GREW it mahself!  Be back with some cider!  

Pinkie leaves.  Twilight faces the readers once more.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

At this point, though, the two ponies I’d love to add more than anyone would be Shining Armor and Princess Cadence.  I love them both so much, and they’re both so smart!  Nothing like my mother.

(grumbles)

Why Discord put HER on the list, I’ll NEVER guess!  

Question 12: Scherzo Asks:

Dear Twilight and Co.

Ever thought of using Stallion!Lero to mess with Honeydew?  The ol' "So that hunky stallion you've been salivating over  like a starved dog seeing a juicy steak for the past few days/months is actually a human" prank.

Lero, who currently IS in stallion form, laughs.  

LERO

Ha ha ha!  God, that sounds so wonderfully sitcom-y!  But I think I’d rather pass.  

He flicks his tail.

LERO

On one hand, my acting ability’s grown by leaps and bounds since the Swap came into our lives.  On the other... you’re asking me to put the moves on HONEYDEW, and pretend she turns me on.  That’s QUITE a tall order, buddy!

Lero helps himself to a sugar cube.

LERO

Even if I could pull it off... I dunno.  Yes, it’s no secret that we hate each other.  But toying with a girl’s emotions and stringing her along just to set her up for a nasty shock... that’s just low.  I’d end up feeling more like the monster she always accuses me of being.  What can I say?

He shrugs.

LERO

I’m a lover, not a heartbreaker.