Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Fifteen: Bewitchment Meets Failsafe

Spoilers Up To Chapter 19 + Chapter 20 Sneak Peek Excerpt

Question 1: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Twilight,

Would your Failsafe Spell or your memory spell break Discord's memory alterations? Theoretically.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You know something?  Theoretically... I think those ideas might work!  Except I’m certainly not going to undo the bewitchment, not until my Swapped friends are cured!   It would RUIN them all if that spell were broken early...!

SPINEL STRIDE  

...if you felt like trying it, it would be amusing to see Honeydew get her regular memories restored but no one telling her what's happened!

Slowly, a dark sort of smile trails up Twilight’s face.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You know... Honeydew HAS been more insufferable than usual, of late.  And I’m feeling both vindictive AND experimental!  Always a winning combination!

(to herself, forming a plan)

A modified version of the failsafe spell would probably work best, one which affects a single individual, rather than an entire area... but the key would be waiting for JUST the right day...

SEVERAL DAYS LATER...

Lero and Rarity are at the marketplace, shopping for groceries.  

Twilight Sparkle tails them from a distance.  Though the odds are against her, she’s waiting to see if maybe, just maybe...

Yes!  There she is: Honeydew!  Twilight sees the miserable mare’s eyes fall upon her other two herdmates, further ahead.  Honeydew heads over, clearly intent on giving them grief.  

Twilight follows her.  

RARITY

So, darling, since we both know it’s ONLY a matter of time before Twilight figures out a way for us to have children... would you mind telling me a few good human names?  So I’m prepared?

LERO

You’d want to name our kid something human?

RARITY

Yes!  Something rich and exotic, with poetry in every syllable!  Just like ‘Bellerophon’ is!   We call her ‘Bellerophina’ if it’s a girl!  

Lero cringes.

LERO

(uncomfortable chuckle)

Well, uh, I’ll tell you THIS much, Rarity, you wouldn’t want to name your kid anything like ‘Bellerophon.’  It’s WAY too exotic... even by human standards!

RARITY

(disappointed)

Really?

LERO

Really.  I wouldn't have named myself Bellerophon.  Though we humans do have PLENTY of good names!  Like... lemme think of some good girl-names you might like... ah!  How about Amber?  Or Summer?  Or Crystal?  Or Autumn?  Or Misty?  Or Willow?  Or Melody?  Or Scarlet?  I’ve always thought ‘Scarlet’ was cool!  

Rarity rolls her eyes.

RARITY

Please.  Any PONY could give her foal those names... in fact, you could mix-and-match those any way you want!  Misty Autumn!  Scarlet Crystal!  Summer Willow!  Autumn Willow!  Misty Melody!  No, I’d like my young one to have a name that’s UNIQUE, a name you could never put in all-lowercase letters, a name that isn’t a common noun or adjective plucked from the dictionary!  Don’t you humans have more names like that?

Lero thinks some more.

LERO

Yeah!  Plenty!  Like for girls, there’s names like Jennifer, Miranda, Lauren, Emily, Kimberly, Vanessa, Sophia...

RARITY

Oooh!  So-FEE-yah... that’s sooo pretty!  I'd LOVE to have a Sophia!  And what about boy-names?

LERO

Hmm... Ryan, James, Jonathan, Zachary, Alexander, Martin, Brandon, Paul...  

HONEYDEW

I don’t believe what I’m hearing.

They wheel around, finding Honeydew.  

HONEYDEW

You want... to have... this creature’s YOUNG?!  His YOUNG?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(from behind Honeydew)

Excuse me, Honeydew?

Honeydew spins around.  Twilight Sparkle puts her horn against her head.  There is a brief flash of light, like a flashbulb from a camera.

HONEYDEW

(to Twilight Sparkle)

What just happened?!  What did you do to me?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(affecting confusion)

What do you mean?

HONEYDEW

Just now!  When you placed your horn on my head!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(“innocently”)

But my horn didn’t go anywhere near your head!

HONEYDEW

Don’t try to be clever with me!

She turns back towards Rarity and Lero.

HONEYDEW

Let me tell you...

Then Honeydew’s takes a good, long look at the rainbow-thunderbolt cutie mark on Rarity’s flank.  

HONEYDEW

...some...

Then she takes a good, long look at Rarity and at Lero.  And then back at the cutie mark.

HONEYDEW

(blinking, absolutely stunned)

...Blue.

RARITY

(confused)

Huh?  ‘Some blue?‘  

HONEYDEW

That cutie mark... there should be BLUE fur around it, not WHITE!

Rarity gapes at her in utter bewilderment, while Lero stares in growing horror.

HONEYDEW

That cutie mark belongs to Rainbow Dash!

RARITY

WHAT?!

HONEYDEW

What happened to that three-diamond cutie mark of yours, Rarity?!  

RARITY

Three-diamond cu...?!  Do I look like Applejack to you?!

HONEYDEW

Applejack...?

(pauses, thinks)

Wait... did you sell the Carousel Boutique to Applejack?!

RARITY

Sell it?!  It was never mine to begin with!  Applejack BUILT the Carousel Boutique herself, from the sweat of her own brow!  As if I’d ever bother having anything to do with something so tiresome as sewing dresses when there’s weather-work to be done!

Both of the two mares grow more thunderstruck at each other by the second, their voices growing louder and louder.  

HONEYDEW

What’s going on?!  Is this some kind of crazy joke?!

RARITY

You stole the words right out of my mouth!

HONEYDEW

And what in the name of sanity are you doing with HIM?!  He’s not YOUR monkey!   It’s not like you’re part of his herd!  

RARITY

[CANNOT EVEN FORM WORDS, THOUGH SHE TRIES]

HONEYDEW

Why, I remember us talking a little over a month ago!   We got into a small argument, and you told me that while you had no problem with who your friend took for a lover, you, yourself, had no attraction to him, and could never feel that kind of love for anything that wasn’t a pony!

Lero and Twilight Sparkle both hang their heads, at this sharp reminder of the original Rarity’s feelings towards Lero; the Rarity who they are trying to bring back through curing the Swap, the Rarity who was never part of their family.

RARITY

(completely outraged)

No attraction?!  No attraction?!

She lifts onto her hind legs and gives Lero one of her deepest, most soulful kisses yet.  Honeydew reacts to this sight as though Rarity had just squirted lemon juice in her eyes.  By the time Rarity breaks away from the kiss, all Lero can say is:

LERO

(breath-taken)

Wow.

RARITY

How DARE YOU, HONEYDEW.  You’ve been harassing me and everyone else in my herd since I got together with Lero...

HONEYDEW

And when was that?!

Then Honeydew pauses to consider her own question, and is stunned by the answer she comes up with.

HONEYDEW

(stunned)

A... a month ago...?

RARITY

A MONTH?!  I daresay it’s been a LOT longer than a month!  

HONEYDEW

No, it hasn’t!  

(stares past Rarity at Lero)

YOU know what I’m talking about!   Is Rainbow Dash even IN your herd anymore?!  Or did you kick her out?!

Behind Honeydew, Twilight Sparkle shakes her head ‘no’ at Lero.

LERO

Honeydew, how could I have kicked Rainbow Dash out when she was never IN my herd to begin with?!  She’s far too busy tending to her animals for romance, anyway!

HONEYDEW

ANIMALS?!  RAINBOW DASH is the weathermare!  RARITY is a fashionista!  

RARITY

Oh, and I suppose Fluttershy’s the Mayor, is she?!  Honeydew, I always suspected this, but now it’s beyond question: YOU ARE INSANE.  SEEK HELP.

Honeydew looks around wildly, shouting out to the other ponies around them in the marketplace.

HONEYDEW

Somepony back me up on this!  Rarity’s no weathermare!  She shouldn’t have THAT cutie mark on her!  It’s Rainbow Dash’s!  She stole Rainbow Dash’s life!

No comprehension registers in any of her neighbors’ eyes.  They all give her a wide berth and fearful gazes.  

HONEYDEW

I’ll... I’ll prove it!

She backs away from the members of Herd Bellerophon.

HONEYDEW

I’m NOT the crazy one!  You’ll see!  I don’t know what kind of whacked-out flimflam job’s at work, here, but I’ll get to the bottom of this!  I’m onto your game, human!   I’ll spread the word about this, far and wide!  THE WORLD WILL KNOW THE TRUTH!

And she gallops off to her home.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

We find Honeydew locked in a small, filthy, padded room.  She looks dirty, and has been tied up in a straitjacket; the prisoner of an asylum.  She sits huddled in a corner.

HONEYDEW

I tried...  I tried to tell them...  But they wouldn't listen to me...  Instead they jeered and threw me into this forsaken place.  Damn them...  DAMN THEIR EYES!!  

Then she stands up.

HONEYDEW

IT’S A CONSPIRACY!  A VAST GLOBAL CONSPIRACY, STRETCHING TO THE HIGHEST ECHELONS OF POWER!  AND IT HASN’T “ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY!”  Applejack’s the Element of Honesty!  Pinkie Pie’s not a farmer!  Fluttershy’s supposed to be SHY!  It’s in her NAME!  And Rainbow Dash was on her way to being a Wonderbolt!  Her mark doesn’t belong to Rarity!  Her life doesn’t belong to Rarity!  Her MONKEY doesn’t belong to Rarity!  And that two-legged snake-demon... he is a LIAR!  He doesn’t believe his own words like the others believe!  I saw it!  I saw it in his EYES!

She stands, stumbles over to the barred door, and slams her shoulder against it.

HONEYDEW

(feverishly)

YOU FOOLS!  YOU CAST AWAY YOUR HOPE OF SALVATION BY LOCKING ME IN THIS DAMNED ASYLUM, THINKING ME MAD WITH DELIRIUM!  MAY THE HUMANS EAT YOUR EYES!  MAY THE HUMANS EAT YOUR BLIND, UNSEEING EYES!

And out of Honeydew’s throat erupts some unhinged union of howling laughter and woeful sobbing.  

Question 2: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

If you found a way to nullify the Swap... but only for one pony... would you do it? You could get Rainbow Dash back, completely restored and safe (though you'd need to come up with a cover story as to why she suddenly has 'Rarity's' mark), but Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack stay Swapped until Twilight can find a broader fix. But would you?

Lero sits on a stool with his hands clasped in his lap.  He looks up towards the readers.

LERO

Yes.  God help me, but yes, I would.  I know how badly it would rock the whole boat... but I wouldn’t be able to resist.  I want to be able to be fully honest with Rainbow Dash again.  I want her to be her old self again, with her old memories!  I want her to love all the things she used to love again.  Including me.  And I’m aware that when I did it, it wouldn’t be so much a ‘solution’ as trading one gut-wrenching dilemma for another.

He licks his lips.

LERO

My sweet Rainbow Dash is a girl who’s spent her entire life trying to make herself into a ‘somebody.’  A huge superstar athlete.  Her entire life, building her body, perfecting stunt maneuvers... and she only recently became a Wonderbolts CADET.   And when I un-swapped her... bold, brash, headstrong Rainbow Dash would be returning to her senses in a Bewitched world that expects her to be just the meekest little mouse ever.  Her place in the Wonderbolt Academy she’d struggled her whole life to earn?  GONE.  Her job with the Weather Ponies?  RARITY’S.  Her herd?  RARITY’S.  The love and admiration of Scootaloo?  RARITY’S.  Credit for nearly everything she did in life?  RARITY’S.  The other friends she thought she knew?  SWAPPED.  Oh, and on top of everything else, she’s expected to be in charge of all of Fluttershy’s old animals... though at least she has Fluttershy's roof over her head, I guess.  

He begins pacing the floor.

LERO

So, I’d imagine it’d be CHALLENGING for Dash... adapting to all that.  I’d imagine there’d be a small spot of FRICTION between her and Rarity.  And no doubt all our friends would treat her like SHE’S the crazy one, and probably be dropping the names of psychiatrists left and right, or drag her to Zecora’s and have her brew up a potion to ‘cure’ Dash.

He rolls his eyes.  

LERO

But me, Twilight, Spike, and Lyra... we’d all be there for Rainbow Dash.  Just as we’ve been there for her when she was swapped.  It’d be great for us to have another pony to share the truth with... and it’d be even BETTER to have it be Rainbow Dash!  Who knows?  Perhaps she could give us some valuable insight into what it’s like, being Swapped, and maybe help with the others’ equilibrium!  We’d come up with a cover story for her, even if it was something as simple as ‘An evil wizard did it.’  

Lero then mutters something under his breath that sounds almost like, ‘And his name was Starswirl.’  

LERO

Since NO pony would have the ‘Caretaker’ role, we’d probably have to sell her animals or release them back into the wild.  Fluttershy would be sad, once she was cured... but what else could we do under the circumstances?!  I’d do everything in my power to convince Rarity to let Dash live with us.  Assuming peace could develop between them, I’d then work to convince Rarity to hire her as a weathermare.  I daresay, she’d find Dash a worthy addition to her crew!  

(sighs)

From there, we’d just play it by ear.  For better or for worse.  

Question 3: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra,

Aside from the obvious physical differences, how is your relationship with Swapped!Rarity different from your relationship with regular Rainbow Dash? Rarity not being bent clearly makes a difference, as does her higher self-image and more openly affectionate nature, so how does that change the herd dynamic from your perspective?

Lyra considers the question thoughtfully.  She wears a fine-looking dress, and her mane has been gorgeously stylized.

LYRA

How has our herd dynamic been changed, you ask?  Lots.  Sometimes, it’s a hard call whether it’s been changed for the better or the worse, but there’s no denying it’s DIFFERENT.

Lyra enters her bathroom.

LYRA

To the same extent Rainbow Dash was... STILL IS, actually... a tomboy, Rarity remains a quintessential lady.  Etiquette.  Propriety.  Daintiness, lipstick, mane care... the whole kit and caboodle.  She, Twilight, and I will all go shopping together for clothes and cosmetics... something Rainbow always rolled her eyes through... and Rarity will buy stuff for us as well as herself.  Even if she no longer makes clothes herself, she’s got a VERY keen eye for good fashion.  And she’ll never let any salesgirl out-haggle her.

Lyra sits before her mirror and draws out a perfume bottle.

LYRA

When we were at one of those dress outlets, I remember quietly suggesting to Rarity that she could’ve been a great fashionista.  Then she just got this... frighteningly BLANK look on her face, before laughing it off and saying, ‘not in a million years.’

The aqua unicorn spritzes herself with perfume.

LYRA

I don’t mean ANY offense against bent ponies when I say this... but the experience of being loved by Rarity is  best compared to looking into an alternate universe where a crippled pony you know had never gotten crippled.  As in, “If I hadn’t been born blind, these are the movies I’d watch.”  “If I hadn’t been born deaf, this is the music I’d listen to.”

(sighs)

“If I were capable of being physically attracted to other mares, here’s how I’d love you, Lyra.  Love, Rainbow Dash.”  And Rarity and I haven’t even DONE anything physical together yet.  

Lyra next pulls out lipstick and starts applying it.  

LYRA

Another big difference is food.  Rainbow always tried to keep in shape for the sake of being a Wonderbolt, so she watched what she ate.  Rarity, on the other hoof, enjoys rich creamy desserts and gourmet cuisine.  Especially seafood.  Sashimi, bouillabaisse, frutti di mare... the more foreign, the better!   She dines on seafood every chance she gets, far more than Rainbow ever did!  Eats fish like a dolphin.  

She puts the lipstick away.

LYRA

Though I give her credit, Rarity always lives within her means.  Rather than squander money at 5-star restaurants, Rarity usually finds suitable recipes within one of the cookbooks here, and Lero and Spike cook them with the reasonably-priced groceries we buy from the marketplace.  Spike cooks more than Lero.

Lyra turns her head, looking at herself in the mirror.

LYRA

Another thing: Rainbow Dash never took the ‘lead mare’ thing seriously... the two of us were equals with her.  But Rarity VERY QUICKLY established herself as alpha-female-queen-bee of our herd.  That isn’t to say she’s a tyrant.  Rather... Rarity makes me feel like Twilight and I are beloved younger sisters of hers... sisters she’s in charge of, even though we’re all grownups.  

She leaves the bathroom, suddenly wincing at a slightly aching leg muscle.  

LYRA

When I was traveling abroad, I was sad that I wouldn’t get to spar against Rainbow Dash anymore.  Those were exciting: her martial arts against mine!   I thought those days would be over, but I was wrong.  I’m STILL sparring... only it mostly takes the form of straight-out magic duels.  Rarity’s a VERY formidable fighter in her own right, but it’s obvious she’s never had any formal martial arts schooling.  

Her eyes flick to the top of a dresser; there’s a bookmarked book about pregnancy.  

LYRA

She REALLY would like to be a mother.  Visits foal care shops, toy shops... stops to chat with pregnant mares and the mothers of newborns... I don’t think she cares if her kid ends up having hooves or hands or both... she’s planned for all sorts of contingencies!  She just wants it to be hers and Lero’s.  Rainbow... Rainbow was ambivalent, at best, about being a mom.

Stopping to face the readers, she flicks her head, drawing attention to her mane.  

LYRA

Another thing is, I think Rarity doesn’t want us going to manedressers.   For example: I didn’t get my mane cut at all during my sabbatical, but when I went to the salon to set an appointment, Rarity talked me out of it. Instead, she took me to the bathroom and give me a full-body trim instead!  

(twirls)

You must admit, she did a VERY nice job!

(smiles)

It’s like SHE wants to be the one in charge of making all her loved ones look beautiful.  It’s like a small piece of her old self coming up for air.  

RARITY

(calling up from downstairs)

Lyra!  Are you almost ready?  

LYRA

(to Rarity)

Just another minute!

(to readers)

In so many ways, Rarity truly DOES make for a wonderful herd-sister.  From the moment I walked into her life, she’s heaped warmth and love upon me, just like with Twilight and Lero!  She endears herself to you very quickly.  All the same...

(speaks quieter)

It’s not like it’s HER fault at all... but what galls me about the whole situation is that Rarity’s REPLACED Rainbow Dash.  Viewed pragmatically... it may SEEM like Rarity’s a superior herdmate to Dash in a number of respects... (I’ll admit she certainly has better taste in music, for one!)... but there’s a REASON Loyalty is a virtue!  I mean, what if it’d been ME?!

She gives a hard swallow.

LYRA

A thing like the Swap really DOES make you think in those terms!  What if our roles were exchanged, what if the horseshoe were on the other hoof, and what if it had been ME?  Me instead of Rainbow Dash who’d gotten Swapped?  What if Rarity had come into this library with a big old Clàrsach Mark on her flank, and I’d become... I don’t know... that lush, Berry Punch?   Would Rainbow Dash have found Grandmaster Rarity ‘awesomer’ than me?  

RARITY

(from below)

Lyra!  We’ll be late for the concert!

LYRA

One more second!

(sighs)

If it HAD been me, I know I’D certainly appreciate having a guy like Lero continue being there for me and helping me through my problems.  I know the real Rainbow Dash does.  

Question 4: BadWolf9510 Reports:

Chun an ridire,

Tá tú chomh dímheasúil agus foolish. Ach bhí enamored an bhean le do scileanna i cath agus sa seomra leapa, nach bhfuil do wits.

Lero’s alone in the kitchen.  With that weird gleam back in his eyes, he chuckles while drawing a santoku kitchen knife from a wooden knife-storage block.  

LERO

Ba chóir di Bainim níos mó tógtha ag mo wits. Bhí mé cliste go leor chun éalú, tar éis an tsaoil! Ní raibh sin éasca.  

Grinning, he holds the knife outward, and begins slashing at the air at purely imaginary foes.

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Deir tú nach bhfuil tú a chaitheamh masc, ach a dhéanann tú. An mheabhlaireacht is mó a thaispeáint duit an fíor duit dul i bhfolach ar tú féin. Iarracht tú chomh crua chun repress do chuid cuimhní cinn ach sa deireadh beidh tú ag tiomáint dÚsachtach tú féin.

LERO

Feicfidh mé riosca é. Go dtí seo, tá mé ag baint suilt as bheith rún is mó Equestria ar!

There’s a truly striking quality about the way Lero handles that kitchen knife.  He doesn’t swing it like a boy toying with a wooden sword.  

Rather, his movements seem PROFESSIONAL.  As though he’s had extensive military training, and KNOWS how to kill others with a blade.  Both other humanoids... and even giant enemies far larger than the human frame.    

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Feiceann Ár bhean uasal do streachailt agus cuireann tú a cabhrú leat. Tá sí eolas ar gach rud draíochta agus a fhios aici conas a leigheas seo "babhtála."

Lero DROPS the knife.  It clatters on the floor.

LERO

(stunned)

C... cad é...?!

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Is féidir linn a insint duit cad is gá duit fios a bheith agat chun cabhrú le do chairde. Beidh ort do bhean chéile ar ais chugat , go hiomlán agus go maith. Beidh a gcuid saolta a n-inniúlacht siúd arís. A dteaghlaigh a rinneadh ar fad.

LERO

(hushed whisper)

Rainbow Dash...

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Agus is féidir leat cónaí i síocháin. Beidh an bhean uasal fhágann tú i d'aonar.

LERO

Geallann sí seo...?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

Ach tá i gcónaí ar phraghas agus iad ag déileáil leis an fae. Is é seo an t-eolas mór agus tá sé ar siúl gar di cófra. Mar mhalairt ar an fhaisnéis atá uait, éilíonn an bhean uasal leanbh ó do theaghlach. Tá sé ar phraghas beag a íoc chun mend saol an oiread sin.

LERO

(in English)

A child from my family... but I cannot even FATHER children in this world, where I am the only human!  ...Unless Her Ladyship foresees that Twilight WILL succeed?  She WILL find a way for it to happen?  Or will the Lady, herself, provide me the means?  Teleport a potion to me or something...?

HER LADYSHIP’S MESSENGER

(brusquely)

Fanann sí as do fhreagra, ridire.

Lero shakes his head.

LERO

Uimh! Ní féidir leis an bhean a bheith iontaofa!

But then he thinks about it some more.

LERO

Abair leis an bhean uasal seo: beidh tuilleadh eolais de dhíth orm sula mé a thabhairt duit mo fhreagra. Cá mbeidh an trádáil siúl? Nuair a Táim ag súil agam a thabhairt di an leanbh? ! Agus conas? Má tá a fhios aici mar gheall ar an babhtála, beidh a fhios aici chomh maith go bhfuil mé in ann leanaí a ATHAIR le haon cailín an tsaoil seo. TAR ÉIS muid aon leanaí i ár teaghlaigh! Ní dhéanfaidh aon ní is féidir linn a thabhairt duit!

SPIKE

Hmm?  What’d you say, Lero?

Spike peeks his head inside the room.  

LERO

Ah... nothing!

SPIKE

It sounded like you were speaking gibberish, for a second.

LERO

S... sometimes I just... like to quote foreign films!  Don't you?

SPIKE

(nods, doesn't suspect a thing)

Oh, totally!  Foreign films rock!  But you’ll want to pick that knife off the floor.  Be bad if somepony were to step on it.  

Spike leaves.  Lero’s sweating.  Could it possibly be that the Lady desires... Spike?!  Or is his original interpretation correct?

Lero just cannot say for sure.  When he addresses the Messenger, there is no snark in his voice whatsoever.  

LERO

(respectfully)

Seol dom do fhreagra nuair is féidir leat, le do thoil.

Question 5:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Discord:

I know humans might seem like an attractive idea, but we have a horrible tendency of hurting our creators. Maybe something more tame...?

DISCORD

Tame?  TAME?!  Need I remind you who you’re TALKING to?!  I am DISCORD, god of CHAOS!   Frankly, I would WELCOME the challenge of some angstbag Kratos-wannabe come to cut me down to size!  Hah!  I’d give HIM a run for his money!

And with that, Discord starts swinging around two swords-on-chains through the air.

DISCORD

Why, just for that, I’m almost 90% certain now that it IS humans I want to be the god of... once this Swap business is over and done with!

The swords-on-chain vanish, and he begins pacing upside-down.

DISCORD

Only, if I really DO have it be humans, I ought to do something so they’re not COMPLETELY interchangeable with Earthlings.  Pointy ears?  Oh, no, no, no!  Anything that smacks of Tolkienesque elves is LOATHSOME!  Hmmm... maybe... I’ve received a lot of good recommendations to making critters like those in the Avatar: The Last Airbender world.  What if I were to have my humans all be BENDERS?!  Earthbenders, Firebenders, Airbenders... Pizzabenders?! And maybe I ought to give all my humans tails like the Saiyans!

He thumps his own tail.

DISCORD

Tails are cool.  

(sighs)

Ohhh, these ideas have MERIT, but I’m STILL not COMPLETELY 100% decided... platypodes would be awesome too!  Ohhhhh... stupid, STUPID indecision...!

Question 6: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Discord,

As long as Fluttershy's mark is on Rainbow Dash, have you thought about making friends with Rainbow Dash?

DISCORD

Well, I've ALWAYS considered myself Rainbow Dash's friend... ever since this Swap began, at least, and I've been looking out for her best interests!  Don't believe me?  Well, consider this: I'm the one she has to thank for sending Lero to help her out with everything!   Well, NUDGING him and erasing that one pesky memory of hers, but STILL...!  

SPINEL STRIDE

Now that she's found an equilibrium, you might have some fun 'teaching' her about pranks... and those animal buddies of hers might be able to add to the fun, now that they're obeying.

Within her cottage, Rainbow Dash sits at her table, miserable and forlorn.  Still in her Grand Galloping Gala gown.  Surprisingly, she’s been drawing pictures with crayons.  

Her drawing skill’s at the level of a kindergartner: basic stick figures, but she draws nonetheless.  She’s finished several pictures already.  

FIRST DRAWING:  It shows a twig-limbed Rainbow Dash with all sorts of animals: cats, dogs, rabbits, snakes, latched onto her body like lampreys.  Rainbow Dash is in great pain.

SECOND DRAWING:  Rainbow Dash is drawn in the very lower-right corner of the picture.  The two-legged, two-armed stick figure standing in front of her can only be Lero.   All the animals have latched their teeth onto his arms, his head, his legs... they are like ticks... but he has a strong expression.  

THIRD DRAWING:  This picture shows many, many scenes of Lero and Dash being together, all on the same page.  Lero giving stuff to Dash.  A smiling Lero on the ground, under a smiling Dash, flying in the sky.  Lero placing a rag against a tear coming out of Dash’s eye.  Lero hugging Dash sweetly.  

FOURTH DRAWING:  A stick-figure rendition of the fight with the glufferflork!  Stick-figures of Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and Lyra, all attacking a giant white blob with animal bones in it.  Lero is kicking the butt of Angel Bunny, who has a devil horn and pitchfork!

FIFTH DRAWING:  A truly HUGE Rainbow Dash, with a smug, unlikeable smile and a big, spiky crown on her head, takes up the ENTIRE PAGE.  Lero is the size of a paper clip by her enormous hoof.  And he’s crying.

And finally, there’s the SIXTH DRAWING, which Rainbow Dash is finishing right now.  Lero is outside, on some hill.  The tears pouring out of his face are as big as his own head.  There’s actually a speech bubble coming out of his mouth: “Won’t anyone be my friend?”  

Discord floats, unperceived, over the melancholy pegasus as she draws.  He looks up towards the readers.  

DISCORD

It’s a good idea you have, Mr. Stride, and normally I’d be TOTALLY on board with having Dash and all her trained animals collaborating in a practical joke or ten!  But something tells me Rainbow Dash’s mind is preoccupied with other things...

Rainbow Dash has finished the last drawing, then spreads them out of their pile to stare at them all, as a set.  

DISCORD

...Equilibrium or no equilibrium.  So before I even THINK of going on a pranking spree with Dash and her critter pals... I'll give her a chance to open up and discuss her thoughts about Mr. Michealides...

He snaps his fingers and an ice cream sundae appears in his hands.

DISCORD  

Whatever they may prove to be.

Question 7: Feylon Asks:

Dear Discord,

Hang on a second; thinking about Discordian species reminds me of the will-o-wisps, known in my country as wanderer-lights. Leading travelers to both adventures and doom. Did you have anything to do with those?

DISCORD

Mmmmmmaaaaaaybe!  

The scene switches over to a completely different part of Equestria, late at night.  A pony named NIPPLEWORT is traipsing through the woods, in the very dead of night.  

Nipplewort doesn’t even have a lantern with him or anything.  Suddenly, a wander-light flies in front of his face!

NIPPLEWORT

(instantly enchanted)

Hey!  You’re a cute little fella, ain’t ya?

It flitters about his face, like an adorable butterfly, before flying between a bunch of trees.  

NIPPLEWORT

(playfully)

I’m gonna get ya!  I’m gonna take ya home with me, little guy!  

Up ahead is danger.  A wooden sign warns:  DANGER!  QUICKSAND!  

But of course, it’s far too dark for reading.  

The wander-light dances in front of Nipplewort’s nose, always keeping just out of reach... leading him straight to the quicksand pit.  

Closer and closer, his hoof is right on the edge of the pit!  

Only for Nipplewort hops right over the quicksand, after the wander-light...

NIPPLEWORT

WHOA!

...And land upon the bones of a skeleton.

NIPPLEWORT

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness...!

Nipplewort pauses.  It’s a very curious skeleton.  There’s a gold crown on its head, and a very old journal of some sort lies next to it.  He picks up the journal.  

The wander-light flies over, providing bioluminescent light by which to read by.

NIPPLEWORT

(reading the journal)

To the one who discovers my final resting place: know that you have found the Coronet of Antiquia, an enchanted artifact, blessed with the power to bestow the one who wears it with riches beyond his wildest imagination, or the power to usher in the apocalypse.   But in order to work, the six Crown Jewels must be restored to their rightful place within the Coronet.  

Nipplewort stops to check the Coronet.  All the Crown Jewels are missing, but there are clear impressions within the crown where the jewels are meant to be set.

NIPPLEWORT

Each one of these Crown Jewels has been hidden within the hearts of ancient labyrinths, each filled with traps and vicious monsters. Fortunately, I have managed to uncover the location of each of these labyrinths before my untimely passing, and have drawn a map to their whereabouts on Page 50...

The more he reads, the keener Nipplewort’s excitement grows.  By the time he’s read his fill, he’s galloping off to adventure, with the Coronet of Antiquia firmly on his head.

Discord appears next to the wander-light, watching Nipplewort go.  Grinning, he holds out his palm, and the wander-light gives it a teeny-tiny high-five.  

Question 8: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Mane Six,

I'm sure it's not the most pleasant of memories, but do you recall how everypony acted while Discorded? Any particularly egregious moments?

The Mane Six stand together in a group.  All of them look deeply ashamed of what they’re about to confess.    

PINKIE PIE

Ah can remember lyin’ ta everypony left ‘n’ right.  The worst wuz to mah sister.  She came ta me as a no-faced pony, like a ponyquin with a mane ‘n’ a bow, while her REAL face was where her cutie mark’ll eventually be.  She was beggin’ me ta get off mah rump and stop Discord.  Ah told her, “Discord said that it’s actually all up to yew, Bloomy.  If yer a good girl, and keep quiet fer LONG ENOUGH, Discord promises ta take all the chaos away, AND give yew yer cutie mark!‘   And she believed me.  

RAINBOW DASH

I remember shoving foals in cages.  I remember tying up a cockatrice and forcing pegasi to stare into its eyes when they were way high up in the sky.  I remember ambushing ponies in alleys, and beating them savagely, cackling at them like a wicked witch.  

APPLEJACK

Ah remember stealing from everybody.  Ah remember taking everythang in Sweetie Belle’s room and puttin’ it in mah own, because the house we lived in was ‘mine,’ and fightin’ her tooth and hoof when she came ta git ‘er stuff back.  

FLUTTERSHY

Ah remember telling ponies all sorts of horrible things, nonstop.  Like the world was a dung heap, and we were all maggots crawling through it.  And that life had no point.  And that no pony was really good inside.  And that anything that SEEMED to be good was an illusion; misery was the only truth that existed.  I’d leave them in tears about who they were and what their place was in life.

RARITY

I remember betraying all my friends over a pair of wings, and then sneering in Twilight’s face about it, I declared that Celestia wasn’t worth being faithful to, and I’d be happy to live in Chaos forever if it meant having wings to fly with!   I remember conjuring thunderstorms and tornadoes when my other five friends came to their senses and tried to get me under control.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

What made Discord a true monster back then... wasn’t so much the chaos itself.  In the end, we could’ve ADAPTED to a world with cherry soda rivers, volleyball nets that wrote operas, and emus hatching from bowling balls.  It was the fact that he was altering all peoples‘ hearts to be broken, twisted and cold.  Love could not exist.  Friendship could not exist.  Ponies were loveless and unlovable.  Whichever way he warped you, that was the common running theme.  Everypony was a horrible pony.   Everypony was alone, and did not even want the companionship of others, or to give it to others.  When you get right down to it, isn’t that Hell in a nutshell?  

The six ponies all give each other a comforting group hug.  

Question 9: Feylon Asks:

Feylon Asks:

Dear Discord,

How do you prevent Twilight from pestering you about portals to Earth?

Discord hems and haws.

DISCORD

Uh... about that... the thing is...

He sighs.

DISCORD

...I cracked.  Her incessant begging finally got to be too much for me.  I’m actually going to be opening a portal to Earth.  Not IMMEDIATELY, mind you!  It’ll be a while, but... at a certain undisclosed point in the future...  I’ll be bringing Herd Bellerophon to visit Earth.  

He conjures a small globe of Planet Earth and spins it on his finger.

DISCORD

Of course, there was big excitement about the whole ‘First Contact With The Alien Planet’ thing.  But Lero’s mares were also EQUALLY excited by the prospect of meeting their stallion’s human family.  

The globe transmogrifies into a photo of the Michaelides family.

DISCORD

Particularly his mom and dad.  

(grins slyly)

But you wanna know the REAL reason I agreed?  The joy of seeing Lero squirm.  If you'd guessed Lero’s not comfortable with the idea of his folks meeting his girls... buddy, you don't know how RIGHT you are!  I think there’ve been prisoners on death row who’ve been less frightened of their execution dates.  Watching the nightmares he has about that upcoming meeting is PURE entertainment!  

The picture of the Michaelides family vanishes.

DISCORD

So, stay tuned, ‘Ask The Swapped Ponies’ fans!  

Question 10: Warpd Asks:

Dear Rainbow Dash:

Think you should try out the herd before you go after the stallion?

Rainbow Dash puffs herself up, all toughness.    

RAINBOW DASH

Hey!  I never said that I definitely WAS going after Lero!  You’re REALLY jumping to conclusions, buddy!

But then she seems to shrink timidly.  

RAINBOW DASH

But... if I WAS... in a purely hypothetical what-if way, well, one-on-one would be a lot less... intimidating than one-on-four, wouldn’t you say?  

She looks away, scuffing a hoof, unable to meet the readers’ eyes.

RAINBOW DASH

And... and don’t get me wrong, EVERYONE in that herd is a wonderful pony... they’re ALL my good friends!  But, well... if I WERE going to do it, then I’d much rather go for Lero alone, first.  Because if it turns out that sweet stallion doesn’t have any feelings for me... um, well, then I really don’t have interest in anypony else in that herd.  

Finally, she makes eye contact, fearfully.

RAINBOW DASH

Please don’t tell any of them I said that!  Please???

(expression hardening, more ‘old Dash’)

Or you just might be spitting out teeth!  And don’t get excited, either, it was only a what-if question, anyway!  Not like I’m definitely 100% gonna go do it!

And she flies off, leaving a rainbow streak.