Ask The Swapped Ponies!
Chapter 16: Round Sixteen: If The Horseshoe Were On The Other Hoof
Previous Chapter Next ChapterAsk the Swapped Ponies!
Round Sixteen: If The Horseshoe Were On The Other Hoof
Spoilers Up To Chapter 20
Question 1: Feylon Asks:
Dear Discord:
How do you like your new clothes?
Discord turns around in his grey, grey clothes.
DISCORD
I love them! I love, love, LOVE ‘em!
FEYLON
I think they make you look handsome, even smart. You are a walking piece of art.
As Discord dances and prances about...
MIKE TEAVEE
(singing)
Question 2: Warpd Asks:
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Since we got Lyra's answer about what it is like being with Rarity compared to Rainbow Dash. What about the physical side? You've been with both of them (even if it took Rainbow a while).
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
First off, before I say ANYTHING, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: however-much my feelings for Rarity have grown... she has NOT replaced Rainbow Dash in my heart!
Twilight exhales a deep breath.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
That said... the physical side of things. Well, there IS the whole Rainbow-Is-A-Pegasus and Rarity-Is-A-Unicorn aspect. A unicorn brings a completely different bag of tricks to the bedroom...
(undertone)
...and to be perfectly frank, Rarity’s done wonderful things to me not even Lyra and I have thought to do to one another...
(normal speaking voice)
But I respect both Rarity and Rainbow Dash too much to ever go into explicit detail about any of that.
She sighs.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
I will tell you this, though: Rainbow Dash... yeah, it DID take her a LONG while to ‘open up’ to me, the way she always opens... OPENED... up to Lero. I’m the ONLY other girl Rainbow’s done it for... a fact that fills me with deep pride! Not even Lyra ever reached that level of intimacy with Rainbow... and Rainbow really DID love Lyra dearly before the Swap. Anyway, the biggest physical difference between Rainbow and Rarity is... Rainbow always required Lero’s presence for the magic to happen between us. When it wasn’t an active threesome, at the very, very, very least... Lero had to be in same room as us, watching Rainbow and me go at it. Without Lero there, she simply was not in an erotic mood.
(blushes)
Rarity... Rarity doesn’t require Lero’s presence to want to do it with me. Or Lyra, now.
Twilight looks down at her hooves.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Well... maybe one more ‘physical’ thing about Rarity-versus-Rainbow I’ll share with you. Rainbow’s coat and mane feel a lot coarser and far less silky than Rarity’s, because Rarity uses a lot more hair care products on herself.
Question 3: BadWolf9510 States:
An bhean uasal ordaigh ar cheann de na h seers chun breathnú isteach na huiscí go fóill. Chonaic sí go mbeidh tú a bheith ina athair agus beidh do thréad teacht ar an mbealach. Beidh an ghaiscíoch a bheith ar an gcéad máthair agus beidh an an scoláire a bheith ar an dara máthair. Ach tá an bhean uasal aon úsáid le haghaidh leanbh; beidh sí a cheangal ar cailín níos sine. Beidh an bhean dtiocfaidís de bharr na leanbh tar éis a lá breithe seachtú, nuair a bheidh sí sean go leor chun taisteal tríd an chois claí agus chun freastal sa chúirt.
Ach is é sin an todhchaí, ridire. Don am i láthair, beidh gá dom a labhairt leat go pearsanta. Téigh isteach sa adhmad d'aois. Beidh tú ag taisteal do leath lae agus a aimsiú crann darach mighty. Beidh tú a dhéanamh fáinne de bláthanna agus clocha go bhfuil cúig paces leathan i os comhair an crann. Fág titim de do chuid fola i lár an fáinne, is gá duit ach titim, labhairt ansin an focal, "a oscailt chun dom", agus saoire. Beidh an doras a chur san am a oscailt. Ar an oíche an ghealach nua, filleadh ar crann agus gheobhaidh tú dom. Inseoidh mé duit cad is gá duit fios a bheith agat.
Feicfidh mé thú go luath, ridire.
Lero tromps through the heart of the Everfree Forest. His expression is grim, indeed. He has been walking in this one direction for nearly twelve hours solid. It’s early afternoon.
A cockatrice suddenly leaps out of the bushes, trying to catch Lero in its Medusa stare, but Lero doesn’t make the mistake of locking eyes with it.
Instead, with surprisingly solid reflexes, Lero kicks dirt in the beastie’s eye, grabs it by the neck while its eyes are squinted shut, and flings it across several bushes into a mud puddle.
The creature shows no sign of wanting to pursue him further.
Finally, Lero reaches a particular oak tree, of tremendous size and age. There is a mystical, ethereal air about the place.
LERO
(grumbling)
Couldn’t’ve picked an tree that was an HOUR’S walk through the forest, could you? No, Milady’s Messenger needs the tree that takes half-a-day’s hike to reach!
He pulls off his knapsack and takes out a small little gardening trowel, and searches around the woods until he finds what he’s looking for: a grove of wildflowers.
Lero knees and digs up a bunch of these flowers by the roots, and puts them in a pile.
Lero also collects a set of decent-sized stones, and puts them in their own pile.
Next, Lero goes over to the oak tree, standing right against its trunks, then walks five strides from it. With the toe end of his boot, Lero scratches an X on the place on the ground where he now stands.
Then he gets to work.
It’s like he’s marking the hour positions on a clock, (with the X serving as the center of the clock.) With the help of his trowel, he replants a wildflower on the twelve o’clock position. Then he sets a stone on the one o’clock position. Then another wildflower on the two o’clock position, and a second stone on the three o’clock position. On he goes until his ‘clock face’ is complete.
Six stones, six flowers, all in a circle. From there, he pulls out a little knife, extending his arms out until his fingertips hover directly over the X on the ground.
He pricks his finger with the knife, and allows a single drop of his blood to fall upon the X.
LERO
A oscailt chun dom.
There’s the slightest tremor in the ground below Lero. And then it’s gone.
Shooting dark looks at the fairy ring he’s just created, Lero gathers his stuff back in his knapsack, takes a long drink of water from a water bottle, and starts heading home.
LERO
Now to convince the family that me being gone for a day is nothing to worry about...
Some time after Lero is completely gone, a rabbit hops over to one of the flowers that make up the fairy ring. He leans forward to give it a nibble.
The moment his teeth touch a petal, it SHOCKS the rabbit, electrically, like he’s chewed on a live wire.
The frightened rabbit scampers away.
Question 4: Warpd Asks:
To Rarity’s herd;
how do you imagine meeting Lero’s parents would go down?
All of Herd Bellerophon sits together at a table, without any food or drinks out.
LYRA
Well... one thing that we KNOW will happen, a thing which Lero very painstakingly drilled into us was... HORSE CONFUSION.
RARITY
Mmmm-hmmm! Yes, very much so. Our sweet prince was VERY descriptive about how horses dwell on Planet Earth and have been domesticated as beasts of burden. Not to mention how the three of us shall almost certainly be mistaken for one of those... animals, at first blush.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
It’s almost a perfect role reversal, isn’t it? First, Lero arrives in Equestria, and we all mistake him for an ape... now we’ll be heading off to Earth, and humans will be mistaking us for horses!
RARITY
To think there’s a world where HORSES exist, but NOT ponies!
SPIKE
(snarky smile)
Oh... that isn’t QUITE true, though, isn’t it, Lero?
RARITY
Huh? What?
Then Rarity remembers an important factoid Lero had shared, and makes a disgusted noise.
RARITY
Lero, darling... it can’t REALLY be true that Earth-people refer to little baby horselets as ‘ponies,’ can it?
Lero shrugs his shoulders.
LERO
Sorry, Rarity.
LYRA
Lero’s been suggesting that when we go to Earth, we dress elegantly from head to hoof... to decrease the odds of being mistaken for animals.
LERO
(pleading)
What I REALLY think would help you out is if you girls cast some sort of illusion spell upon yourself, so that Mom and Dad think you’re human women!
RARITY
Oh, ho, ho, ho... darling, don’t be RIDICULOUS! Meeting family is NOT a time for disguises! You aren’t ASHAMED of us, are you?
LERO
(awkwardly)
Ah... no... not, at all.
Rarity turns towards the readers.
RARITY
Other than that, we're all anticipating that once we get that silly 'horse confusion' nonsense out of the way, we're all anticipating it to be a most pleasant meeting!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
I agree! From what Lero's already said about his parents, they sound like perfectly wonderful humans, nothing remotely like... well...
LYRA
(in an undertone)
...Your mother.
RARITY
Want to know what I’m most looking forward to? Talking to my dear prince’s mother! Oh, if she has photographs of him as a colt... that would be DARLING!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
I’m excited to compare our two cultures... see the world of Earth, its technology... the society Lero came from... and how much other humans differ and share similarities with Lero!
LYRA
In all honesty? The thing I’m most excited about is seeing the moment when Lero’s mother and father lay eyes upon their son again. After all the years since he was stolen... letting them know that their wonderful son is not only alive and well, but living a good life with marefriends who cherish him...!
Lero, for his part looks frozen, squirming where he sits. Suddenly, we jump into... LERO’S IMAGINATION!!!
Lero sees himself tied to a roasted spit, and being spun upon an open fire by both his furious parents.
MR. MICHAELIDES
(sinisterly)
So, Lero... kindly explain to us again WHAT THE HELL YOU’VE BEEN DIPPING YOUR WICK INTO ALL THESE YEARS YOU'VE BEEN GONE?!
Question 5: FanOfMostEverything Asks:
Dear Discord,
I have to wonder, how are you going to get around the whole "Earth has no magic" issue and its unpleasant implications for the pony nervous system? Or is it just that we poor, unfortunate apes can no longer make use of what's always been there?
DISCORD
Silly human! I suppose you must assume that when Team Lero crosses over to Planet Earth it’d be the magical equivalent of being tossed out into pitch-black, can’t-see-my-hand-in-front-of-my-face darkness. Perhaps you believe that our magic is drawn from the very air of Equestria... mixed in amongst all those oh-so-helpful oxygen molecules...
Discord draws an obnoxiously long breath, bending backwards further and further and further as he does so.
DISCORD
...And once we respire of the magic-less atmosphere of Earth, then our magical abilities go kaput until we breathe the right air again.
Then Discord takes a long, long drink of water.
DISCORD
The truth is this: magic (for those who can PERFORM it, anyway) comes from within. Kinda like saliva! As long as you have working salivary glands, you can produce saliva.
Swishing spittle inside his mouth, Discord expectorates rapidly like he’s at a spitting contest.
DISCORD
(between spits)
Whether you journey to the Moon, to Wonderland, Oz, or your local convenience store... your saliva is there for YOU!
(SPIT!)
Yours to conjure...
(SPIT!)
yours to summon, yours to create from within your body...
(SPIT!)
and utilize for every purpose saliva is useful for!
(SPIT!)
Magic is the same way: as long as one HAS a horn, magic can be created no matter WHERE one goes.
Question 6: Warpd Asks:
Dear Mike:
Does Luna, Celestia, and Discord know what the cure is or just what will happen when it is discovered?
Mike leans back in his chair.
MIKE TEAVEE
Been a while since I had a question directed at me, specifically! Oh, I can’t resist! But now the big question is: how much to reveal... hmmm.... I’ll tell you this much: none of them know what the cure actually IS. Not Celestia, not Luna, not even Discord! Though they are all aware what Starswirl was TRYING to accomplish.
Leaning forward again, Mike clasps his hands pensively.
MIKE TEAVEE
I think that for Celestia and Luna especially... their goal is to make sure that this incomplete spell is completed. Even if it may not necessarily result in the outcome Starswirl had originally hoped for... finishing the spell would be enough. A load off their minds. After all, Celestia and Luna had born witness to what’d happened the last time this spell was cast on the last mares who bore the Elements of Harmony. And just as Discord had said: it went a LOT worse for them.
Question 7: Warpd Asks:
Dear Rarity:
Your stallion has overcome his worries, your herd sisters are showering you with affection, and the family has never been happier. How do you feel?
Rarity lays on the master bedroom’s bed. It is WAY late at night. Around her are Lyra, Lero, and Twilight Sparkle, all sweaty and fast asleep.
RARITY
Oh, DISMAL, darling, absolutely down in the dumps, I just...
(sniggers)
I’m just so mel... just melanchol... chol....
(sniggers some more)
....BAH HA HA HA!!! Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so dreadfully sorry!
She wipes the tears of merriment from her eyes with a handkerchief, speaking in a whisper, since she almost woke up the others.
RARITY
I was trying to be glib and tongue-in-cheek, but I can’t... ha ha... I can’t even SARCASTICALLY pretend...
She gets control of herself.
RARITY
How do I feel? Blissful. I feel like Paradise, itself, swept into my life for a few hours like a fog from above... and it still hasn’t lifted yet! For weeks and weeks, I’ve been feeling like I’ve had four left legs. It was like my whole life was a musical instrument that I COULD NOT get properly tuned; everything from my weather job to my family life was off-kilter! And the horrible thing was... during the first week or so, it felt like my own family was... HESITANT about loving me!
She leans forward, kissing Lyra’s cheek.
RARITY
Pure paranoia on my part, of course! We’ve all been under a lot of strange stress which threw us off our game... but in the end, love conquered all, love set us right! I have the most affectionate and loving herdmates ever, and tonight I was treated to a wonderful reminder of that... of how much we were always meant to be a family!
She twists her body around to kiss Twilight’s cheek.
RARITY
Next year, I want to be the one to surprise the others with an early anniversary. And I’ll make it even more spectacular than this first one!
She levitates Lero’s arm over to her mouth and kisses the back of his hand. He smiles in his sleep.
Question 8: Super Big Mac Asks:
Dear Princess Cadence,
As a pony who can use love magic almost opposite of a Changeling, how would you feel if you noticed a friend had fallen in love with a Hive-less changeling?
PRINCESS CADENCE
A changeling operating as a ‘lone wolf?‘ A changeling without a queen or hive? Alright, I’ll bite. In such a scenario, I’d first feel inclined to find out whether my friend KNEW this was actually a changeling. Maybe my friend would be in denial. Maybe my friend had developed some sort of misguided sympathy for the changeling. If I could get my friend to realize loving this changeling was making a mistake, I’d feel elated! If my friend were under a hypnotic spell, like my own Shining had been, that changeling would rue the day it’d even been spawned! But if my friend were dead-set on loving the changeling, I’d feel just as bad as if she’d developed a drug addiction.
Princess Cadence hangs her head.
PRINCESS CADENCE
As the Princess of Love... I know what it’s like to SEE a good friend fall for an obvious, self-serving, all-take, no-give parasite. And I’m sorry to say that some ponies are parasitic enough without NEEDING to be changelings.
Question 9: Super Big Mac Asks:
Dear Princess Cadence,
What's your greatest, and your biggest fear?
PRINCESS CADENCE
It’s a toss-up between a world without love and a world where Queen Chrysalis had conquered the world, turning ponies into livestock and milking their love from them.
Question 10: ZeroPrototype Asks:
Dear Twilight:
How would you react to having a pony like Vinyl as a sister, she does look suspiciously like your brother?
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Vinyl Scratch as a sister, huh? Well, from what I know of her, she and I are nothing alike, but I’ve heard good things about her personality! I imagine her music would’ve REALLY distracted me from my book-reading, but I’d like to think that we’d have been loving sisters, when all was said and done! After all, Rainbow Dash has just about as much in common with me as Vinyl Scratch, and look how close we are!
Then she frowns with sudden suspicion.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
And I hope you’re not insinuating anything extramarital about my father... pointing out how Vinyl Scratch and Shining Armor have the same mane and coat coloration!
Question 11: SpinelStride Asks:
Imagine for a moment that the Swap had not centered around the Elements of Harmony, but instead around Twilight's herd: Lero the harpist, Twilight the weatherpony, Lyra the Element of Magic (because ending up with a non-unicorn having that one would be guaranteed traumatic), and Rainbow Dash the ultimate free spirit, the adult pony with unbound destiny. Rainbow Dash (not having a mark to compel her) is the only one who knows what's happened. Who's on her Exclusion List, and how does it ultimately end up? Also, where does Lero's cutie mark show up, on his hip, rear, chest, face, or elsewhere? You don't all have to imagine it turning out the same way.
Rainbow Dash rises up out of bed. When she pulls out of the covers and stretches, we see that not only is she a blank flank, she’s wearing specially-tailored white briefs with a hole for her tail.
Then begins a long film noir-style voiceover.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
My name is Rainbow Dash... and let me put it this way, if he were alive today, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with me. With my entire family. But we’ll get to the others, let’s focus on me for now.
She pulls open her dresser drawers and pulls out a set of folded clothes: a simple T-shirt, denim jeans, fresh underwear. Plus a set of sneakers and socks for her hind hooves. With them, she heads into the bathroom.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
I remember growing up on Earth, among humans. Aristotle Michaelides and Hope Michaelides were the names of my parents... and for some reason, they never once found anything the least bit bizarre, (let alone objectionable) about having a pegasus mare for their biological daughter.
In the bathroom, Rainbow strips off the briefs she slept in, steps into the shower, and shuts the curtain. Soon enough, water is running and steam is hissing.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
I recited the Pledge of Allegiance in grade school. I wore shirts and pants with specially-made holes for my tail, and socks and tennis shoes on my hind hooves. Watched shows like Doctor Who, Batman, and Transformers. Played Super Mario Bros., Metal Gear Solid, and Silent Hill. I’ve eaten hamburgers at McDonald’s, pizza from Pizza Hut, and pancakes at the IHOP. Driven cars and ridden buses. Graduated from high school and college. Voted in presidential elections. Dated girlfriends... (NEVER boyfriends, until Lero... but we’ll get to him!)
Shutting the shower water, she steps out, drying her coat and mane with a towel.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Throughout all my time living on Earth, I can’t remember a single instance of being mistaken for an animal. No circus wanted me to be part of its freak-show. No scientist wanted to study me in his lab. UFO nutjobs never based a conspiracy theory around me, Hollywood never aimed a camera at me. It was like the whole human race was determinedly oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t a human. But it’s okay that it doesn’t seem realistic. After all, these are my ‘Swapped’ memories, and they’re actually the property of Lero.
Once dried, she proceeds to dress herself in her ‘human’ clothes.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
I also have a second set of memories... my Real Memories. My Rainbow Dash memories. These ones tell me I was born in Equestria, had pegasus parents, worked as a Weathermare, worshipped the Wonderbolts, and eventually became the Bearer of the Element of Loyalty.
Now dressed, she begins to brush her teeth.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
I’m a Swapped Pony. My personality is a mixture of me and Lero’s. The ‘Lero’ side of my personality dominates... but that’s okay. The ‘Lero’ part of me would never do anything to hurt the ‘Dash‘ part of me. We make a great team.
Then Rainbow Dash begins smiling at her reflection, with a nearly narcissistic level of attraction and flirtatiousness.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
These days, it’s an AWESOME experience, just looking at myself in front of the mirror. The ‘Lero’ side of me’s all, ‘Damn! We are one SEXY mare!’ And my ‘Dash’ side will go ‘Naw, we’re very plain-looking.’ Then my Lero-side will go, ‘Nuh-uh! I’m SERIOUS! We are the SEXIEST thing on four legs, and I’m so glad I swapped into you.’ Really boosts my confidence. I always know just what to say to me. I love me so much for that.
Then Spike opens the door.
SPIKE
Hey! Dash! If you’re done admiring yourself... we’ve got breakfast!
RAINBOW DASH
(spoken aloud)
Oh! Sure!
She follows Spike out of the bathroom towards the kitchen.
RAINBOW DASH
How’re things going with the others?
SPIKE
Oh, you know, just another fine morning in our happy little psycho ward.
But just as she’s turning from the bottom of the staircase, a voice stops her.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the drop-dead hottest blank flank in all Equestria.
Rainbow Dash turns around. Twilight Sparkle grins at her pegasus herdmate with a brassy, saucy, and deeply loving look.
What used to be Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark now sits on Twilight Sparkle’s flank.
As a Swapped Pony, Twilight’s taken several pages out of Dash’s old book. For one thing, her mane’s a tad bit scruffier than her Swapped self would ever allow. And she’s a lot more spunky, to boot.
RAINBOW DASH
(just as loving)
And a good morning to you, too, Hot Stuff.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
Give me some sugar, big girl.
They deep-kiss each other.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Twilight Sparkle. Before the Swap, she was Princess Celestia’s faithful student, Bearer of the Element of Magic, and my loving herdmate. Now she’s Ponyville’s faithful weathermare, Bearer of the Element of Loyalty, and STILL my loving herdmate.
They’re still deep-kissing. Both their tails are swishing energetically.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
My Lero-side loves Twilight because she’s half-me, half-the-original-Twilight: two sweet marefriends of his wrapped up into one. My Dash-side loves Twilight too. Half for all the ‘Twilight-ness’ she still has. But the other half... I know this sounds weird, but I LIKE this newer, sassiest, less-eggheady version of her! I don’t mind letting her borrow half my personality, it suits her real well! How could we NOT be madly in love with her and glad to have her as our main squeeze?
Finally, their lips separate.
TWILIGHT SPARKLE
WOW. That was... I haven’t felt this good since I first cast the Diamond Hailstorm!
RAINBOW DASH
(nuzzling her)
C’mon... let’s go have breakfast.
As Spike, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight continue towards the kitchen, Dash’s voiceover continues.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Before the Swap, I used to have both of Twilight’s jobs: weathermare and Element of Loyalty. Now I’m a masseur, working at Aloe and Lotus’ spa. And I ain't the bearer of Diddly-Squat. This whole Swap happened because of this unfinished spell which Princess Celestia sent Twilight. When she cast it, just to see what it did, she ended up Swapping the personalities and the Cutie Marks of everyone in the house with her. Except for Spike. For some bizarre reason, the Swap decided it didn’t like dragons.
The nearer they approach the kitchen, though, the louder they can hear the noise of VERY BAD HARP-PLAYING.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Cutie Marks are okay and all, but having a SWAPPED Mark REALLY messes with your head. Trust me: between having a Swapped Cutie Mark, and being a blank flank, it’s MUCH better going bare. I was able to figure out what had REALLY happened to all of us. The moment I did, Discord pulled me aside and explained a lot of things to me... about his Bewitchment, about the Element of Magic being the ONLY one who could fix this mess... and about his Exemption List.
LYRA
(shouting from the kitchen)
WOULD YOU PUT THAT THING DOWN ALREADY?!
Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Spike enter the kitchen.
Lyra now bears Twilight Sparkle’s old Star Mark on her flank... but it’s nigh-impossible to see it for all the books surrounding her.
Lero... while still human... is every bit as unashamedly butt-naked as your garden-variety pony. Lyra’s old Clàrsach Mark has been shifted over to the side of Lero’s right hip. Lyra’s old clàrsach sits in his hands. He plays it with all the talent and grace of a one-year-old.
Both of them are VERY high-strung, on their last nerve with each other.
LYRA
(screaming)
I can’t even hear myself THINK with you plinking away at that harp of yours!
LERO
(also screaming)
It’s NOT a harp! It’s a clàrsach! A clàrsach!!!
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Ah, Lero. Dear, sweet, screwed-up-way-more-than-the-rest-of-my-family Lero. Before his Swap, there were only four places you’d catch him naked: the bathtub, the shower, the bedroom, and the doctor’s office. I should know. Half of me used to BE him.
LERO
As the great Still Way Grandmaster Strawflower said, “Know the difference between one thing and another, lady!”
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Lero’s new Swapped Memories are pretty much the polar opposite of MY Swapped Memories. He believes he was born in Equestria, the biological son of the mare and stallion who’d actually given birth to Lyra. For some reason, no pony ever saw anything particularly NON-ponyish about him, growing up.
Rainbow Dash snickers to herself.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
In fact, here’s a fun little factoid: whenever that bigot, Honeydew, gives Lero grief nowadays, it’s NEVER because he’s a huge, monkeyish biped with hands inside of forelegs. Oh no. It’s because he... a ‘normal Equestrian’... became the herdmate of ‘that loathsome alien carnivore, Rainbow Dash.’ I swear, it’s ALWAYS fun whenever Twilight gets in between me and her and chases her off!
Dash looks up and down Lero’s body. First she smiles dreamily, then her face curdles in disgust, then she smiles again, before curdling once more...
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Half of me loves how sexy Lero still is. But the Lero-half INSIDE of me’s more than a little mortified by many things. Seeing ‘my old body’ walk around with his wang dangling free like some kind of gorilla. He hates feeling attraction to ‘his old body,’ especially when the four of us are in the bedroom, getting it on. The Lero-ness in me me almost sees it as a necessary evil, since it DOESN’T want the Dash-part of me forgetting I’m attracted to his body.
(brief pause)
"How do I stay sane?" You ask? A simple combination of iron will, lack of a cutie mark, and the power of love.
Lero plucks more strings, every note off-key.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
And before you ask, no, he’s no Still Way Grandmaster. You need a horn for that. Instead, he makes up for it by being a super-obsessive harpist and philosopher.
LYRA
I’M TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR OUR CONDITION! You’re playing no better today than you were a month ago! Once I find a war to fix this talent-deletion spell of Starswirl’s, then every note of yours will be beautiful again, but until I do, don’t even bother picking it up!!!
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Yes, you heard it right. My Swapped herdmates believe that Starswirl’s spell caused them to LOSE their talents, not Swap with each other. And just in case it isn’t obvious enough, Lyra the Librarian is, like, a bajillion times the egghead Twilight Sparkle was. Actually, as far as Swapped Ponies go, Lyra’s not so bad. Even before being Swapped, she had a lot of the same skill set as Twilight did. It’s just that Lero’s strumming really gets on her nerves.
Lero holds up the clàrsach again.
LERO
In the words of the great Still Way Grandmaster, Profound Koan, “You’re not my moth...!”
At that moment, Rainbow Dash goes over and hugs Lero, while Spike and Twilight go to hug Lyra... knocking over quite a few books in the process.
RAINBOW DASH
Please, guys, let’s not fight!
SPIKE
Yeah, come on, we’re family!
Guilty, Lero and Lyra look at each other and hug.
LYRA
I’m so sorry, Lero.
LERO
To quote the great Still Way Grandmaster Hushpuppy, “such pettiness is beneath me.”
They kiss.
DING-DONG! The doorbell’s rung.
RAINBOW DASH
I’ll get it!
She trots over towards the doorway.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Even though I’m not the one destined to cure my family, I’m doing what I can to bring them stability. Equilibrium. Just yesterday, I succeeded with Twilight Sparkle: one down, two to go! But I didn’t do it alone.
She opens the door. There stands ALL the other Element Bearers! Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity! Each one of them has the correct marks on, all of them are their proper SELVES
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
(very gladdened)
Girls! Great to see you!
Pinkie Pie springs up and down.
PINKIE PIE
You too, Dashero!
RAINBOW DASH
“Dashero?”
PINKIE PIE
Or maybe you like “Rainbellerophon” better?
Rainbow Dash laughs and shakes her head.
RAINBOW DASH
Pinkie, for the hundredth time, it’s just “Rainbow Dash.” It’s always been Rainbow Dash.
APPLEJACK
Yer threads’re lookin’ very rugged ‘n’ masculine, this morning.
RAINBOW DASH
(flattered)
Aw, thanks!
(second thought: should I be flattered?)
Wait...
Fluttershy peers behind Rainbow Dash into the house’s interior.
FLUTTERSHY
How are they doing, in there?
RAINBOW DASH
Better than usual. But Lero and Lyra got into a fight. Give me a second to go set some extra plates. After the way you helped Twilight the other day, we’d love to have you over for breakfast!
The other girls follow Rainbow Dash inside.
RAINBOW DASH’S VOICEOVER
Discord saw fit to allow a few others in on the truth, a few who were Exempted from bewitchment. All my other Element-Bearing friends... plus Spike. And the Dash-side of me... no, ALL of me is blessed to have such wonderful friends as these, willing to go to any length to help me and my family. I’d like to think me and my family would've been have been just as committed to helping all of them, had the horseshoe on the other hoof.
Next Chapter: Round Seventeen: Upon Her Seventh Birthday Estimated time remaining: 4 Hours