Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Twelve:  Tá An Bhean Uasal Ag Breathnú Go Fóill.

Spoilers Up To Chapter 18

Question 1:  BadWolf8510 Says:

To Lero,

Uasal bhean seolann tú í beannachtaí.

Lero’s eyes suddenly roll up in the back of his head, before rolling back into their proper place.  He faces forward, with a truly alien, not-himself gleam in his eyes.  Nonetheless, he speaks lucidly, but with deep coldness.  

LERO

Tá mé ionadh go bhfanfaidh suim i dom tú, mo bhean uasal.   Tá sé tar éis blianta an oiread sin ó d'fhág mé leat. Ba mhaith liom a shíl go raibh fhuadaigh tú roinnt eile d'íospartaigh ar do shon féin ag anois.  Cathain a chuaigh tú amach mo cá? An bhfuil tú ag faire rúnda dom?  An bhfuil tú feargach gur éirigh liom éalú? Ar mhaith leat a ghoid mé ó mo bhaile arís? Ar mhaith leat a mharú dom? An bhfuil tú ag pleanáil chun rud éigin i bhfad níos measa?  

(extra-cold and sardonic)

Ainneoin, ba mhaith liom iad a chomhlíonadh le cloisteáil ar ais ó tú, mo bhean uasal.

Then, SCREAMING, Lero clutches his head.  Running to the bathroom, he fills the bathtub all the way up with water, and dunks his head in for a solid minute and a half.  He pulls his head back out, with a long gasp for air.

LERO

(terrified)

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO ME?!?!

Question 2:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero,

After finding out that few ponies can swim when Honeybee almost drowned, did you or anypony else start up a swim class?

LERO

Yes, there was a swim class that was started.

His brow furrows in thought.  

LERO

Come to think of it... the next time Twilight transforms me into a pony, I ought to learn how to swim in that form.  Just in case...

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Spike,

Is Peewee, that baby phoenix, still living with you? Is he a pet or were you just taking care of him till he was ready to leave the nest so to speak.

SPIKE

I ended up reuniting Peewee with his mom and dad, after a few weeks.  It wasn’t right that he was stolen from his parents in the first place.  We had some good times, though.  Sometimes, he’ll fly by and visit, and we’ll have even more good times, before he moves on.  Sweet little guy.

Question 4:  Zontargs Asks:

Dear Twilight:

“Inkie and Blinkie always said there used to be two other Mas in our family, but they both... passed away, long before I was born.”

“From what?”

“Ennui,” Fluttershy told him.  “It’s a very dangerous, contagious affliction in the part of the world where I grew up.”

Is this accurate? Are the princesses aware of these conditions? If not, why not? If so, why do they permit them to continue? As rulers, they have a moral responsibility to ensure the well-being of their subjects. Allowing them to die of terminal ennui is reprehensible, regardless of the economic benefits it might bring. Surely there's a way to produce these materials without subjecting ponies to such conditions for so long. And don't give me any crap about "meddling with ponies' personal lives", as she's shown she's willing to do so whenever she feels it's justified.

Mike Teavee pulls aside a curtain flap, peeking out from behind it.

MIKE TEAVEE

Zontargs... I hope you don’t mind, but for this, I’m going to reformat your question a little bit, so it’s easier for Twilight to answer.

Mike disappears: Twilight steps forward.

ZONTARGS

Is this accurate?

The purple unicorn looks over two death certificates.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, I checked into the deaths of Mr. Pie’s other wives... and yes, it’s accurate.  Cause of Death: Ennui.  

ZONTARGS

Are the princesses aware of these conditions?

From the next room over, there’s the sound of Spike belching.  He runs to Twilight, hands her a letter from the Princess, and reads it over as Spike leaves.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yes, they are aware.  

ZONTARGS

So why do they permit them to continue? As rulers, they have a moral responsibility to ensure the well-being of their subjects.  Allowing them to die of terminal ennui is reprehensible, regardless of the economic benefits it might bring.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

I do agree with you that rules are morally responsible for their subjects’ wellbeing.  But your accusation that the Princesses coldly let those mares die for economic gain is just plain wrong!  Her Majesty isn’t like that at all!  She didn’t pass an edict declaring the Pies HAD to be rock farmers!  

ZONTARGS

Surely there's a way to produce these materials without subjecting ponies to such conditions for so long!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Look, it’s not like that part of the world the Pies live in is some diseased swampland with malaria-carrying mosquitoes clogging the air!  It’s just very rocky!  

She sighs, levitating an apple and a rock up to the level of her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Let me try putting this in a different perspective; let’s set up a comparison.  The Pie Family with our good friends, the Apple Family.  Both families are comprised of workaholic farmers.  What would you say the biggest difference between these families are?  

A thin, pencil-like paintbrush floats over towards the apple and the rock.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Is the fact that the Apples produce apples, while the Pies produce rocks?  

The paintbrush paints a flinty frown on the face of the rock, and a scrumptious smile on the apple.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, let me throw you a hypothetical scenario.  Suppose I cast another of my Swaps on these two families.  The Apples think they’re supposed to be rock farmers, vice versa for the Pies.  So they move to each other’s farms.  Just a Job Swap, nothing more: everything else about each family’s personalities stays exactly the same!

A flash of magic... and suddenly, the apple’s got a sour, wormy frown on it, while the rock’s smile shines like a diamond.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

When you get right down to it, rocks and apples are probably equally as strenuous for farmers to farm.  So what REALLY sets the Apples apart from the Pies?  The Apples are able to derive pleasure and personal satisfaction from their farm work, while the Pies aren’t!  Or WEREN’T anyway!

She levitates the apple and rock away.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Celestia didn’t force the Pies to farm rocks!  She didn’t force them to live in that part of the world!  Economically speaking, she’d’ve been just as happy if the Pies had been toymakers as rock farmers!  As much as I hate to speak ill of Flut...

Twilight cringes, biting her tongue.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...PINKIE’S family, they had much the same problem so many of my Swapped friends have: the Pies committed themselves, heart and soul, to a job that gave them no joy!  Worse, the Pies didn’t allow themselves to FEEL joy, not even in their downtime!  They took some kind of grim pride in being some of the most stoical stoics in all stoicism!

ZONTARGS

Surely there's a way to produce these materials without subjecting ponies to such conditions for so long.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

If Princess Celestia were in desperate need of farmed rocks, Her Majesty would’ve sent ponies who LOVED rock farming.  The way I see it, the only ‘conditions’ the Pies suffered from were EACH OTHER.  Heck, I’D have died of ennui, too, if I were married to the likes of Mr. Pie!

ZONTARGS

And don't give me any crap about "meddling with ponies' personal lives", as she's shown she's willing to do so whenever she feels it's justified.

Twilight shakes her head.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

At the end of the day, joy cannot and SHOULD NOT come from the government.  Not Celestia, or anyone else who rules.  Joy has to come from within; this holds true for EVERY individual.

Twilight looks straight forward.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

You end your own ennui.  Just ask my friend, F... Pink... the mare who bears the Element of Laughter, how she got her cutie mark!  It’s up to you whether to see the rainbows when they come, or shut yourself away from the sight of them.  It’s up to you whether to fill your heart with grayness or color.  

Question 5:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Rarity,

Was there some extenuating circumstance we weren't privy to back during the whole "destroyed Town Hall" incident, or is Derpy really that dangerous with a thundercloud under her hooves?

Rarity looks behind her back, at what used to be a glorious mansion going up in walls of flames.   Silver Spoon and all her family huddle against each other, sobbing, as the firefighters try to contain the blaze.  

RARITY

What can I say?  Some mares were just never meant to work the weather.

Question 6:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Princess Cadence:

You're not seen much (if at all) in these stories. First impression of Lero. Then when you found out your little Twilight married him along with the other mares.

PRINCESS CADENCE

My FIRST impression?  Well, once I got over Lero’s one-of-a-kind appearance... I remember him being kind, polite, and well-mannered, but I also remember him asking me this unusual question, after the usual pleasantries.  He asked, “As the Princess of Love, could you cause ponies to fall OUT of love?”  And I told him, “Have you seen the way Aunt Celestia and Aunt Luna can raise and set the sun and moon?  I can do that with love.”  Then for a while, Lero grew extra tense and over-polite around me.  I think he was afraid I’d make Twilight lose her love for him!

Princess Cadence giggles into her hoof.

PRINCESS CADENCE

But trust me: we get along VERY well nowadays!

Lowering her hoof, she looks back up.

PRINCESS CADENCE

As for the second part of your question... I’m sorry, but I believe you might’ve been misinformed.  Twilight and her herdmates are NOT married.  They’re NOT officially husband and wives.  Not yet.  There’s been no ceremony.  No exchange of vows.  Though with such a passionate and romantic girl like Rarity as lead mare, it’s only a matter of time!  

Question 7:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Are the rumors true that you're going to have extended screen time in Pony Chicks 3: Moment In The Sun? I heard that they got special permission to film in the castle itself...

PRINCESS CELESTIA

They did!  The rumors are all true!  Yes, I know Pony Chicks 3 is not exactly going to be Citizen Sugarcane, but who cares?  Every decade or so, I’ll perform in a movie for the sheer FUN of it.  Want to know why I’m so excited about this one?  I FINALLY get to play against type!  Yes!  Every movie, it’s always: ‘With Princess Celestia as Herself!’  Because I don’t play THAT mare every day of my life!  HERE, I’m going to be Bear Claw, the foul-mouthed, cigar-chomping, wife-beating schizophrenic masked wrestler... with a secret heart of gold.  Who is a zebra and a main character, besides!  The part of Princess Celestia will be played by Sapphire Shores.  

Question 8:  Zer0prototype Asks:  

Dear Dinky Doo:

How was school?

DINKY DOO

Ridiculously easy and unchallenging... just the way I like it!   Poor Miss Cheerilee... she’s a real sweet mare, but she thinks in only three dimensions, instead of five, and her sense of chronology is so LINEAR!  Still... school’s just so easy, especially science and history homework!  And it’s fun being around foals my age!  Except for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.  Those two losers are always trying to make themselves out like they’re so powerful and such a big deal.  I’ve seen Weeping Angels.  I've helped Dad END Weeping Angels.  So I love how angry Diamond and Silver get when they see how unimpressed they make me.  

Question 9:  Kitsuja Asks:  

Dear Spike:

You know you're going to catch a MOUNTAIN of trouble for leveraging Dash's condition against Lero just to have him "stay away" from Rarity in the long run, right?

All sorts of emotions play across Spike’s face, before he finally settles on helpless anger.

SPIKE

Well, what do you WANT from me?!  What else can I do?!  What am I supposed to do?!  I just want things to go back to normal!  I want Lero and Rainbow Dash to be in love with each other!  But Rarity’s so much in love with him!  And I... I’m just so afraid of Lero falling for her charms.  It’s not that I WANT Dash hurt... but if I’M the one taking care of her, I want to make sure he’s not chasing after Rarity and forgetting Dash!  It’s not just that I want Rarity for myself, I want Lero to be there for Dash,  even if I have to force the issue!  I swear I’m not out to be mean, I don’t know what else to do... this is the SWAP, you have to be clever... Rarity and Lero are getting closer all the time... I’m just a kid, and they’re all grown-ups... I’m scared...

Question 10:  Rikmach Asks:  

So, mares of Ponyville:  what do you like best and worst about your stallions?  And who was the best?  And worst?  And what was the prize?

COLGATE

Well, it’s tough, since the rules are we have to narrow it down to ONE thing.  But what I love best about my Doctor is his heroic sense of adventure!  The thing I... like least about him... I wish he cared more about making money.  A LOT more.

DERPY HOOVES

I love the Doctor for being such a great father to my little Dinky!  But... I’m always scared of him regenerating.  When bad guys come at us, I always put myself in front of him, because I’d rather they shoot me and not him, so he won’t regenerate.  We shout at each other a lot over that.  Sometimes, I think I’d rather die than watch him transform into some completely different stallion and then up and leave our family...

Colgate pats Derpy reassuringly, even though the other mares stare at the derp-eyed pegasus in complete bafflement.  

IVORY KEYS

I adore Widescreen because he has a passion for the best things in life!   But I hate how he really doesn’t help clean up around the house.  

HONEYDEW

I dislike how that stallion of mine spends so much time working at that theater of his!  But what I love about him is...

(uncharacteristically humble)

...All that he puts up with from me.  I... put him through a lot.  

MRS. CAKE

I love Carrot because he’s a dependable husband and father!  

If only he could be nicer to my parents, though.  

PINKIE PIE

Ah love mah brother Macky most fer his hard work.

(sighs)

But Ah don’t much like it when he goes out and gits plastered, especially with his stallion friends!  Like when he goes ‘n’ makes moonshine with Leery in our barn!

BERRY PUNCH

I like Caramel cuz... he’s handsome!  He’s good in the sack!  What more IS there, where boys are concerned?!  But it’s a drag going to restaurants with him, because he has so many food allergies!  

HONEYBEE

(resentful, petty, and sarcastic)

What I love most about Caramel is how well he loses at card games!  What I can’t stand is what a wimp he is around bees.  They’re just BEES!  Stings aren’t the end of the world, you baby!  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Lero’s wonderful for opening my eyes to a whole different world... a whole new way of thinking!  But sometimes, he can be a bit judgmental... of me...

LYRA

Right now, especially, I love Lero for the selfless way he’s bending over backwards to help every pony!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Aw, I should’ve mentioned that!

LYRA

But that, in itself, presents problems.  I can see he hasn’t been getting enough sleep, he’s coming home scarred and beaten up from Dash’s animals and whatever-else... it’s not good....

RARITY

I can only mention ONE good quality about Lero?  One above all the rest?  Too cruel!  Well, if I must limit myself... it’s his sweet, truehearted nature.

(romantic sigh)  

Now, as for faults... he has very few, but...

(very uncomfortable, small voice)

...These days, Lero’s... uh... very busy.  And while he’s just as loving towards me as ever, he doesn’t seem to have time to do... fun stuff with me... late at night.

Honeydew leans in towards Rarity with a truly spiteful sneer.

HONEYDEW

Hmmm?  What’s THIS?  Am I to understand your monkey can no longer get it up for you?

Ten seconds later, Twilight and Lyra are forced to wrench Rarity bodily off of Honeydew.  The unicorn jabbers in loud, indecipherable anger, while Honeydew just laughs meanly at the white unicorn, even through her new nosebleed.

A bit of time has passed.  All the mares who’d spied on their husbands and coltfriends are gathered in the same room.  Ivory Keys is quietly scolding Honeydew in the background.

Twilight clears her throat.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

At any rate, what we’re offering for prizes is something REALLY special!  Much more valuable than movie tickets, I can tell you that!

She pulls a sheet off the prizes, revealing what they are.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Feast your eyes on these beautiful bone china tea sets, courtesy of Princess Celestia, herself!  That's real 24-karat gold you're looking at, too, ladies!  The Princess generously offered them to us for our little competition!  She has dozens to spare, believe you me!  

All the mares ‘ooooh!’ at both of the tea sets.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Now, Lyra was the one who tallied up the scores!  Would you please announce the best husband and the worst one!  

LYRA

Worst husband: Caramel!

Conciliatory hoof-clapping comes from all the other mares, as Berry Punch and Honeybee receive their prize.

BERRY PUNCH

Well, he may be Worst Husband, but at least we get a priceless tea set outta the guy!  

HONEYBEE

You don’t even DRINK tea.

BERRY PUNCH

True!  But it’s gotta be worth at least a dozen kegs of the hard stuff, am I right, Bee?

LYRA

And for BEST Husband:  Widescreen!

Ivory Keys and Honeydew gasp as the other tea set is floated towards them.

HONEYDEW

I... I don’t believe it!  I won!  I WON!   I’ve never won anything in my LIFE!

IVORY KEYS

Well, Widescreen was more the one who won...

HONEYDEW

But WE were the ones who sold him, weren’t we?

(sneers at Herd Bellerophon)

HA!  In your FACE, Monkey-Lovers!  BEST HUSBAND!!!

Lyra, Twilight, and Rarity all bunch up closer towards each other.  

LYRA

(muttered to Twilight)

You voted for Widescreen, too, didn’t you?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(muttered)

Oh, yes.  You, Rarity?

RARITY

(muttered)

But of course!  After all, to be able to actually LOVE a girl like Honeydew, to put up with all her horse apples, to defend her publicly... for a stallion to do all that, would require him to be nothing less than...

The three of them all cast another look at Honeydew, who is performing an obnoxious victory dance.

MARES OF HERD BELLEROPHON

...The Best Husband Ever.