Ask the Swapped Ponies!

Round Eleven:  Boys' Night Out

Spoilers Up To Chapter 16

Question 1:  FanOfMostEverything Asks:

Dear Ponyville Weather Team,

So, does the boss have a strict hooves-off policy on her "creations," or are they just too dangerous and/or elaborate to dismantle safely?

RARITY

EXCUSE me?  Just who do you take me for?  Nightmare Moon?!  

(pretends to be Nightmare Moon)

I SET THE MOON IN THE SKY, AND NO PONY CAN TAKE IT DOWN, EVER EVER AGAIN!  

She huffs.

RARITY

Well... I understand you’re a human, and weather works differently in your world, so I can’t be angry at you.  Here in Equestria, Weather is an art. (Although not many other ponies agree with me on that, but I strive to always prove them wrong!)  Of course, there are many different TYPES of art.  If you’re a sculptor, for example, you strive for your art to withstand the test of time.

She pulls out a BEAUTIFULLY decorated cupcake.  

RARITY

Weather, as a practical art form, shares something in common with the culinary arts and... hmmm... the making of fireworks.  It’s MEANT to be a temporary, transitory display.  

Bite by bite, Rarity eats the cupcake, elegantly.

RARITY

When I arrange clouds up in the sky, I do so knowing full well that eventually, other weatherponies will need to move those clouds over to other places, as needed.  So I would never booby trap them, or make them impossible to dismantle!  

Rarity moves on.  Then Flitter and Cloudchaser, seeing that their boss has gone, stand before the readers

FLITTER

Generally, we wait about a half-hour to an hour to clean up her messes.  

CLOUDCHASER

Otherwise, it hurts her feelings.  

Question 2:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Honeydew:

Mare, you have a problem if he is all you can think about. Ever thought of getting a vacation to get away from that hate? That stuff will make you age faster.

At Brown Recluse’s Tarantula Ranch, we see Honeydew in a tourist-y outfit, standing in front of spider cages full of different breeds of tarantulas... and smiling appreciatively.

At the Paraffin Sisters’ Wax Museum, we see Honeydew standing in front of wax statues depicting King Sombra having his Crystal Pony subjects be clapped in chains and yokes... and smiling appreciatively.

At the Canterlot Zoo, we see Honeydew standing in front of the  chimpanzee cage, watching a zookeeper bring out food for the chimps to eat.

HONEYDEW

(smiling appreciatively)

That’s right, monkeys, eat up... eat because we LET you eat, eat because we PONIES have decided not to starve you and provide you shelter, you’d be NOTHING here, little monkeys, so far away from home... nothing but supremely stupid apes... you don’t know how LUCKY you all are that some of us decided you looked cute...

At the Whirlpoolooza Water Theme Park, we see Honeydew, in a one piece bathing suit about to slide down the Gushing Tunnel.   She smiles appreciatively towards the reader.

HONEYDEW

Thanks for the suggestion, gibbon!  I’m having the time of my life on this vacation!

She pushes herself down the water tunnel slide.  

HONEYDEW

Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Question 3:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lyra:

Any idea of about when Lero arrived in Ponyville? Has he experienced any of the major disasters like Too Many Pinkie Pies or Monster attacks?

LYRA

Lero was first found in the Everfree Forest shortly after that one point in time where little Apple Bloom contracted the cutie pox.  And as far as disasters go... Rainbow Dash has always been VERY protective of her stallion.  She’d never knowingly bring him with her to a dangerous setting; so when Celestia sends the Elements of Harmony on a perilous mission, he’s often left home with Spike.

She pulls out her harp, idly playing a very simple tune.  

LYRA

But when danger springs upon you by surprise, that’s a different matter, isn’t it?  Thus, Lero was there when Spike turn into a gigantic greed-dragon, and stomped the town.  He helped out when the Flim Flam brothers tried to take Sweet Apple Acres from the Apple Family.  He was ALSO invited to Princess Cadence’s wedding... of course, we were none the wiser that there’d be changelings.  I think they hung him from the ceiling in a cocoon, and Twilight’s father, Lucent, was inside the cocoon with him.

She stops playing her instrument.

LYRA

He was kept at home for the time when the Element Bearers sought to free the Crystal Empire from King Sombra AND that time when they were charged with reforming Discord.  Other than that... he was present for many of Ponyville’s other misadventures, including that time where we were stampeded by clone Pinkie Pies and when Trixie took over the town.  That answer your question?

Question 4:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Discord:

Did you have this much fun tormenting John-Luc Picard, or was that the Final Frontier?

DISCORD

(chuckles)

As much fun as good old Picard!

Question 5:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

Have you been remembering to take care of Twilight, too? She's not swapped, but she's having a rough time, and part of the reason you're on the exclusion list is to help keep her sane. Given her predilections toward overdoing things, it would probably not go amiss to take her away from the library for a few hours to have a nice quiet dinner out, reminding her along the way that she's part of the herd. She doesn't react well to being left alone, even when it's done with good intentions to let her work.

LERO

Well... I... I...

He draws a long sigh.

LERO

You’re absolutely right, Mr. Stride.   I really HAVE been forgetting to take care of Twilight.  I wasn’t trying to be neglectful to her or anything!  It’s just... well, I’m less magical than an Earth pony... at least Earth ponies have that one moment in their lives where a cutie mark forms!   I figured: what help would I be with the spell research phase of things, let alone actually fixing the spell?  I’d be like a blind man researching color theory!  

He begins pacing the room.

LERO

And I was so worried about Rainbow Dash being torn apart by those animals... and making sure Rarity felt properly loved, I put them first!  I figured that if I could help all the Swapped find balance in their lives... and do their jobs right... it’d take all the stress off Twilight’s heart!  

(has a thought)

Or... WAS there another way?  COULD I have contributed something if I’d stayed by Twilight’s side?  Even if it was just moral support...?  

He thinks this over.

LERO

...But I stand by what I did!  It’s been nearly a month since Twilight BEGAN researching a cure... I don’t wanna THINK how much Dash would’ve suffered, day after day, if I’d left her all alone in that horrible cottage!  Those monsters might even have already KILLED her by this point in time!  And the smiles on all their faces whenever I spent time with them... listening to their stories...

He sits on the couch.

LERO

There’s no telling how long this cure’s gonna take.  For me, it’s not enough to see them all un-swapped at some vague point in the future.  It’s about making sure they all have good lives to return to.  

He looks up, facing the readers.

LERO

And yet... all the same, Twilight has... she’s gotten so... but it’s not too late!  Things have gotten a little better since the problem began.  I think I’ll take your advice, Mr. Stride, and spend more time with Twilight, take her out of the library a bit.  

Question 6:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lero,

If you did get turned into a pony and were then able to have foals with your girls, would you choose to do so? Or would you be a 'Trojan horse?'

Lero sits on a couch with Twilight Sparkle and Rarity.

LERO

I’d ABSOLUTELY LOVE to be a dad!  I always intended to be a father one day, ever while I was back on Earth.  But that day Twilight told me she was willing to find a way to be the mother of my child... I just felt so touched and honored the more I thought about it.  That she was willing to go to such lengths.  That she loved me THAT much!  It made ME want to bring this kid into the world as well!

He puts his arm around Twilight Sparkle.  

LERO

She’s transformed me into a pony numerous times in the past I  the sake of, well, planting my bun in her oven.  And Lyra’s and...

(cautious look over at Rarity)

...my lovely lead mare as well!

Rarity smiles deeply at Lero.  

LERO

Although, occasionally, when I’m turned into a pony we do things that are perfectly G-rated, as well!  Like going out to movies, eating at restaurants, hanging with friends, but as a pony!  I enjoy being able to gallop fast... but you got to watch it when you have hooves!  They’re a lot less delicate than hands are.  

RARITY

We made sure he had enough practice being a pony while we weren’t in heat, so he’s not tripping over his own four legs.  Especially in the bedroom.

(sigh)

Oh, it was so CUTE, teaching him how to walk!  

LERO

Another thing about the spell: they’ve tried casting it on me dozens of times for both... G-rated and R-rated activities together.  Every single time, the spell changes me into an Earth Pony, so I can’t tell you guys what having wings or casting magic’s like.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Also, the Change-To-Pony spell wears off on its own after one hundred twenty-one minutes... unless we recast the spell on him!  That adds another 121 minutes!

LERO

Though I suspect you’re wondering why we don’t have a bunch of adorable foals running around our ankles even as we speak.    Well... uh, to try and put it in layman’s terms... the problem’s not putting a bun in the oven, it’s just that... the bun never bakes right.  So to speak.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Yes.  There are spells to check for this sort of thing: we’re always able to conceive, but for some reason, something always...

(hangs her head)

...goes wrong, in the early months of the pregnancy.  I suspect I need to modify the spell in some way...

LERO

It’s a project we’ve all been working on for the longest time.

He again looks over at Rarity, sadly.

LERO

But ever since fixing Starswirl’s spell became such a big priority... we’ve had to shelve it completely.

Rarity wraps he arms around Lero’s shoulder.

RARITY


Don’t worry, my prince.  Have faith in Twilight!  She’ll fix this Starswirl nonsense, and then I know she’ll figure a way for you to give us all foals.  Just imagine!  Her foals frolicking about with mine and Lyra’s, all unwrapping Hearth’s Warming gifts together... oh, what a proud mother I’ll be!

He reaches over and strokes Rarity’s mane, not saying a word.  

Question 7:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Honeydew,

How many times were you bucked in the face before you decided to take up Rolling Earth? How many times since then?

Honeydew is dressed in a Rolling Earth uniform, practicing katas.  The ranking belt she wears is red.

HONEYDEW

For your first question: zero times.  Ponyville’s a quiet sort of place to be born and raised... or at least it WAS.  Not a lot of face-bucking to go around.  I took up Rolling Earth of my own initiative, because a stupendous mare is a fighting mare, and I am a stupendous mare.  For your second question: BUCK YOU AND BUCK THE ORANGUTAN THAT BIRTHED YOU, HUMAN!  

Question 8:  SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Rarity,

Lero's told you about his dreams about everypony getting their cutie marks swapped. If something like that happened, and Lyra and Honeydew got switched, so that as far as everypony in the world but you and Lero knew, the three of you had always been herding together, how would you deal with it?

Rarity is silent for a long while.

RARITY

If such a thing were to happen... I’d be absolutely, utterly heartbroken around Lyra.  To see her heaping abuses on Lero and I... to hear venom in her voice for us... that would just tear me up!  I wouldn’t ever be able to bring myself to raise a hoof against her.  I’d just run away like a coward every time Lyra came near.

She gazes toward the wall at a picture of a smiling, perfectly wonderful Lyra.  

RARITY

As for Honeydew... I think around her, I’d feel emotionally paralyzed.  Any show of love I'd give her would be 90% acting.  Just the IDEA of receiving affection and love from HONEYDEW is weird!  Especially in regards to the physical... for my songbird is as much as physical girl as I am.  To kiss the lips of the one who spat so many insults at us... to pleasure the body of the mare who tried to crack my prince’s ribs...

She shakes her head.

RARITY

And yet... in the end, I think I’d go through with it.  As would Lero.  Because all we’d need to do is look at Honeydew’s Clàrsach Mark to remind ourselves that Lyra’s soul was piloting her body... and she still needed our love.

(pauses)

But do you want to know what my coping mechanism would be?  Photographs.  I’m not kidding.  

She floats a camera over.  

RARITY

Telekinesis lends itself well for photography, and there’s even a spell for a cameramare to see through the camera’s eye, even when it’s floating several feet away from you!  And I’d be taking a lot more pictures... of Honeydew.  

(she smiles)

Kindly words and loving looks directed at us.   Friendly conversations at the dinner table.  Hugs... especially group hugs.

She begins snapping pictures, even though they’re of nothing at all.

RARITY

And when it came time for the throes of passion... ho ho ho!!!  Every time Honeydew ran her tongue adoringly upon my nethers... every time she lovingly engulfed my prince’s lance... with EITHER set of her lips... click goes the camera!  And at the end, when my sweet Sparkle-kitten figured out a cure to their Swap... or even if I had to find the cure myself... why, I’d let Honeydew have a gander at my photograph collection and see what she had to say!  

Question 9: SpinelStride Asks:

Dear Lyra,

If you and (normal) Rainbow Dash were to enter an 'earth pony rules' tournament where use of magic and wings was completely disallowed (and wing and horn restraints put in place to ensure it), and the two of you were pitted against each other for a round, how do you think it would go? Hoof to hoof, Dash is clearly stronger, and we know she's studied Rolling Earth and a little bit of Shattered Stone so she knows how to fight like an earth pony (even if it's not her usual style), but we don't know if you've ever dabbled in any styles other than Still Way.

LYRA

Honestly, I really haven’t studied in other martial schools, outside of the Still Way.  If you were to effectively turn us both into Earth ponies and then have us duel... yes, I think Rainbow Dash would have a very fair shot at beating me.  Especially since she’s skilled in Earth Pony schools.  I’d probably rely on getting some kind of psychological edge over her in order to win.

Question 10:  Warpd Asks:

Dear Rarity,

What was your first encounter with your Sparkle-kitten like?

RARITY

Ah... of course.  You want to hear that story!

Everything blurs... then comes back into focus.  

Spike and Twilight Sparkle are heading down the open road on the day the two first came to Ponyville.

SPIKE

Hmmm... there’s supposed to be a unicorn named Rarity clearing the clouds...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

A unicorn?  Spike, you’ve got to be reading that list wrong... weather is a...

Ahead, they see Rarity, clearing clouds away.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

...Pegasus job.

Although Rarity has heard their exchange perfectly, she doesn’t let their words bother her.  They’re far from the first.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Good afternoon!

RARITY

Just a moment!  I’m ‘in the zone’ as it were.  

She clears the rest of the clouds from the sky.

RARITY

Ah yes!  The sun shining bright on a cloudless day... truly, there is no better tribute to our Princess!  Rarity, you ARE a talent!

Rarity turns to face Twilight and Spike.

RARITY

Now how can I help you?  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

It’s very nice to see you, Miss...?

RARITY

Rarity.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(kindly)

Miss Rarity.  My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m here on behalf of Princess Celestia to see that the weather for the Summer Sun Celebration is under control.  

RARITY

(proudly)

Well, believe you me, when it comes to weather, you won’t find anypony more qualified or enthusiastic than I!  

Then her face scrunches up.

RARITY

(to herself, under her breath)

Twilight Sparkle... Twilight Sparkle...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, I can clearly see that you know what you’re doing!

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle... Twilight Sparkle... I KNOW I’ve heard your name from somewhere before.  Was your name in the newspapers at some point, by chance?

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well... I’m not trying to be full-of-myself when I say this, but yeah, it’s been there a few times.  Comes with being Princess Celestia’s student.

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle...

(it dawns on Rarity)

TWILIGHT SPARKLE!

To Twilight’s astonishment, Rarity gets right up in her face, grinning with sheer delight.

RARITY

Oh, how truly marvelous it is to see you face-to-face, my dear Miss Sparkle!  I thought I never would!  Welcome, welcome, a thousand times, welcome!  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(very flustered)

I... uh....

RARITY

You don’t know who I am, do you?  Oh, it’s quite alright, it’s been at least ten years since you wrote me that wonderful letter!  I’m ‘The Girl Who Brought The Rainbows!’

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(no clue what she's talking about)

Huh?

RARITY

(slightly calmer)

Remember the day you got your cutie mark?  You were having problems getting that dragon egg to hatch, you were about to give up, when all of a sudden, a great rainbow shot past the window...

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(awed)

Your’e the Diamond Hailstorm girl!  

Spike leaps from Twilight Sparkle’s back onto her head, and drops into a bow.

SPIKE

Very nice to meet you at last!  

RARITY

(affably)

Oh?  And who might you be?

SPIKE

Me?  I’m the dragon egg!  Miss Rarity, you’re the one I have to thank for being born!  If not for you, unicorn foals might’ve been casting spells upon my unhatched self to this day!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(grousing)

Gosh, the way YOU put it, I almost feel like a bystander!

SPIKE

(shrugging)

Well, it’s just like they say, “You can’t start a fire without a spark!”  Besides, Twilight, aren’t I showing my eternal gratitude enough?  Each and every day I help you out with... everything?

Rarity laughs into her hoof, charmed by both of them.

RARITY

Well, I’m immensely glad to’ve helped bring you into the world, Mr. Dragon Egg!

SPIKE

Actually, they call me ‘Spike’ nowadays.

RARITY

What a fine name for you!

As Spike beams, Rarity turns to Twilight.

RARITY

Twilight Sparkle, I want to say that you’re one of the best things that ever happened in my life!  You were the one who gave me this!

Rarity twists to show off her Rainbow Mark.

RARITY

Just as I helped give you that!

She points at Twilight’s Star Mark.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(overwhelmed)

Oh, uh, wow... you’re... very welcome!

RARITY

(super-friendly)

Oh!  I’d like to show you all around Ponyville, and we can talk about what happened in our lives, since we got our marks!  I’ve had so many wonderful adventures, thanks to you... toured the world and learned from masters!  And I have so curious about what it was like being Celestia’s student... oh wow!  

And she nuzzles the side of Twilight’s face.

RARITY

We’re going to be the very best of friends!  I just know it!

Twilight’s uncomfortable.  Rarity’s coming on too fast, too strong, too soon.  And there’s Nightmare Moon to worry about.

Then Rarity turns and faces the sky.

RARITY

Actually, the sun alone is looking rather plain.  I say we should add some rainbows, quite a few of them!  In honor of our...

Rarity turns around, but Twilight is galloping away.

RARITY

...First meeting together.

Everything blurs... then comes back into focus.  We’re back in the real world again.

RARITY

As you can see, it wasn’t love at first sight.  Believe me, that doesn’t actually exist.  But for me, it WAS pretty much friendship at first sight, even if Twilight, bless her, needed a little more time before she decided to accept me as a friend.  It took years for our friendship to blossom into romance, and it could never have happened without our dear Lero.

(sighs peacefully)

Such is the long and convoluted path of love.  

Question 11:  Zer0prototype Asks:

Dear Lero:

So aside from Chuck Wagon you haven't mentioned any other herds around Ponyville. Do Time Turner or Caramel have one, if so who is in it. Any pony we know? And what exactly happens during 'Guy time' anyway? Is it really just bowling?

AND

Dear Twilight:

Lero pointed out that gender roles are reversed. How do most stallions usually act? Like Blueblood?

AND

Dear Doctor:

What do you think about your own herd?

Twilight Sparkle is in one of the larger rooms in her library, standing before a gaggle of mares, seated in chairs.  A projection screen is behind her.

Practically every mare is either a wife or a marefriend of one of the stallions of Ponyville.

From Herd Bellerophon: Lyra and Rarity.

From Herd Hooves:  Colgate and Derpy Hooves.

From Herd Cake:  Mrs. Cake

From The Apple Family: Pinkie Pie

From Herd Widescreen:  Honeydew and Ivory Keys

From Herd Caramel:  Berry Punch and Honeybee

Twilight Sparkle checks the clock; it’s about time.  The mares are all chatting amongst themselves, or helping themselves to  the snacks and drinks Twilight set out.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Everypony!  May I have your attention, please!

The other mares quiet down.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

First, thank you all for coming, ladies, on the night we all finally uncover exactly WHAT goes on during... GUYS’ NIGHT OUT!  I’m hoping tonight will be a fun, informative night, that’ll provide insight into the lives of the stallions we love!  

As Twilight goes on, Honeydew scowls to her herdmate, Ivory Keys.

HONEYDEW

(hissed undertone)

Just what are we DOING here, Ivory?!  This is the lair of the enemy!

IVORY KEYS

Cool it, Dew.  I want to see what Widescreen gets up to.  

Rarity spins around in her chair, gaping between Honeydew and Ivory Keys.

RARITY

(to Honeydew)

You... YOU have a herd?!  YOU of all ponies?!

IVORY KEYS

(glares at Rarity, slips an arm around Honeydew)

Why, YES.  Yes, as a matter of fact, she DOES have family of her own!

RARITY  

(flustered)

It’s just... I’ve seen you with your sisters before, but never your herdmates, Honeydew!  I had no idea!

HONEYDEW

There’s a whole lot about me you know nothing about.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Ah-HEM!  Is there any TROUBLE I should know about, Honeydew?

Honeydew turns up a lip.

HONEYDEW

Nothing at all!  Nothing at all.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Okay!  So, ladies, here’s how it’ll work.  I’ve conjured up a special bit of advanced magic.  Effectively, the spell’s like a small flying camera, disguised as a housefly.  It’s call the Fly-On-The-Wall spell!  

COLGATE

So we’ll be seeing them through fly eyes?  But those are segmented!  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Nope!  It’s not JUST the eyes, but the WHOLE FLY that functions like a camera!  

COLGATE

Huh?!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Just watch!  You’ll get the idea!  

She walks over to the back of the room, powers up her horn, aims it at the screen, and soon, they’re all watching a movie.

The screen shows a security-camera-eye’s-view of a Bowling Alley... focusing on a gang of stallions.  There’s Caramel, Widescreen, Mr. Cake, Spike, Big Macintosh... and Lero, who is introducing The Doctor to the other guys.

LERO

...Our new friend!

MR. CAKE

Good to see you here, Doctor Hooves!  

THE DOCTOR

It’s great to be here!  

WIDESCREEN

Great to take a breather from all the estrogen in the air, am I right?

THE DOCTOR

Um, well...

CARAMEL

It’s okay!  We’re all here because the ladies CAN be a bit overwhelming, at times!

MR. CAKE

Anyway, what do you say we get right to it!

So the guys all get down to having fun.  They bowl.  They play pool.  They throw darts.  They eat pizza, (the pizza toppings might as well have been poured out of a salad bowl.)  They drink a little beer, (except for Spike, who drinks a little soda.)  

Berry Punch shouts out drunkenly to the screen.  

BERRY PUNCH

I don’t believe this!  This is all STUPID buddy-buddy stuff!  When’re they gonna get to the ACTION?!  The colt-on-colt love?!

Many of the mares turn towards Berry.

PINKIE PIE

“Colt-on-colt?!”  

BERRY PUNCH

Yeah!  Like there’s any other reason they’d wanna get away from us mares!  I wanna see the kissing!  I wanna see the POKING!

HONEYDEW

If my stallion’s lips should get ANYWHERE NEAR that mangy human, I swear on Celestia’s crown, I’ll grab my...

Ivory Keys gives Honeydew a hard, reproachful look.  

HONEYDEW

Bah!

Mrs. Cake stands up.

MRS. CAKE

Well, it’s nice to see that our boys are all getting along with each other... but I think it’s high time I return home.  Going to be an early day at the bakery tomorrow!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, it was good of you to join us, Mrs. Cake!  

Some of the other mares also get up to leave, thanking Twilight, and heading towards the door.

WIDESCREEN

(boisterous and drunk)

Hey guys!  Guys!  I’d like to play a game with you!   And I’ve even got a prize!  

He holds up some movie tickets.

WIDESCREEN

Free tickets at the movie theater I own!  The game’s called ‘Best Wife, Worst Wife!’

All the mares who were about to leave sit right back in their chairs, listening attentively, as the guys on screen all express their desire to learn about this game and play along.

WIDESCREEN

Alright, here’s how you play!  Each of us takes a turn going through all the mares in our herd, each of us listing the ONE BEST, and the ONE WORST thing about each of our mares.  

MR. CAKE

(nervously)

Uh... THE worst thing?

WIDESCREEN

(charitably)

The worst thing you feel comfortable confessing here at this table, anyway.  

MR. CAKE

(relaxing)

Okay!

WIDESCREEN

Each of us gets 20 seconds per mare!  Thus, since Carrot Cake only has his one missus, he gets 20 seconds, while the human gets a full minute with his three!  

BIG MACINTOSH

Can... can Ah count mah sister?  

(blushes)

Pinkie ain’t a wife or a marefriend... but can Ah count her?

WIDESCREEN

(chuckling)

Be my guest, country boy!  

Widescreen refocuses on explaining the rules.

WIDESCREEN

So after we’ve heard everypony, we each grab a napkin and cast a vote for which mare sounds best and which is worst.  But you HAVE to vote for a girl OUTSIDE your herd, that’s the key!

IVORY KEYS

Widescreen, I don’t believe you!  

THE DOCTOR

(nervous laugh)

I have to confess, I don’t feel ENTIRELY comfortable playing this game...

WIDESCREEN

Come on, Doctor!  Live a little!  It’s not like they’re watching over our shoulders, that’s the whole reason we’re out here!

THE DOCTOR

Alright!

He downs a beer.

THE DOCTOR

You talked me into it!

SPIKE

I can be scorekeeper or timekeeper or whatever!  

WIDESCREEN

Sounds like a plan, sport!  Everyone have a napkin and a pencil?

They do.  Since they’ve all had a few drinks, it’s loosened their tongues somewhat.  

WIDESCREEN

Alright!  Let’s go clockwise around the table!  Starting with... Caramel!

CARAMEL

Well, Berry Punch is new to my herd.  Best thing about her: she’s absolutely sweet to that little daughter of hers.  Such a loving mom.

Berry Punch smiles.

CARAMEL

Worst thing is just... how much TIME she spends at the bar!  And she can drink a LOT!

BERRY PUNCH

Hey!  You KNEW what you were getting into when you agreed to date me!

And she downs some wine from a bottle she brought in.  

CARAMEL

Honeybee, I’ve always loved her for all the card games she’s taught me to play!

HONEYBEE

That’s the BEST thing you can bring up about me?!  The stupid card games?

CARAMEL

The worst thing is, well... I’M SCARED OF ALL OF HONEYBEE’S HONEYBEES!  Especially when some of them follow her into the house!

HONEYBEE

(muttered under her breath)

You really ought to grow a pair one of these days, bun-bun.

WIDESCREEN

Alright!  Your turn, Mr. Cake!

MR. CAKE

Well, my sweet Cup Cake is just the most loving wife and mother.  I wouldn’t have any other pony but her.

MRS. CAKE

Aw... my sugar bear...

MR. CAKE

Worst thing is whenever all her herdparents try to keep pushing new mares on us.

MRS. CAKE

...They CAN get rather pushy.  

DERPY HOOVES

You should think about welcoming more ponies into your family, Mrs. Cake! It’s not too late!

MRS. CAKE

Oh, my dear...  Me and Carrot have talked about that before, and we decided it wouldn't be fair to any poor girl who joined us.

DERPY HOOVES

Wouldn't be fair?  What do you mean?

MRS. CAKE

Oh, well... I'm bent, you see, and Carrot is well, so head over heels for me that he barely even notices other mares.  We're afraid if that we let another mare in, she'd be neglected and feel unloved.  It wouldn't be right to bring up her hopes only to dash them like that.  Maybe someday we'll find a girl that we both have a place in our hearts for, but we don't think that's likely.

All the rest of the mares fall silent, as Mrs. Cake sits herself down.  

WIDESCREEN

(under breath)

Weirdo.

(normal tone of voice)

And now I think it’s my turn!  Alright, the thing I love about Ivory Keys is the way she’s so down-to-earth about everything!  I love that about her!  The worst thing, I can sum up in two words: shopping spree.

CARAMEL

Ouch!

MR. CAKE

She’s one of THOSE, is she?  

WIDESCREEN

Total shopaholic!

He takes a swig of beer as Ivory Keys falls into a self-conscious silence.

WIDESCREEN

What I dislike about Honeydew...

(looks right at Lero)

Is how much she can go on and on about YOU, sir.

As Lero nods, SEVERAL of the mares in Twilight’s library shoot a look at Honeydew.

HONEYDEW

What?  You’re all looking at me like I have something to apologize for.

WIDESCREEN

What I love about my Honey is her warmth.

LERO

Warmth?!  What warmth?!  

WIDESCREEN

(a little wistful and sad)

Oh, I suppose she’s never shown that side of herself to YOU, Mr. Human, but I’ve been sweet on her longer than you’ve been around for.  She’s always been very caring to me and the rest in my herd.

LERO

So how do you explain everything your caring Honey puts me through?!  

WIDESCREEN

She’s just...

(sighs)

...The girl I love has gotten so obsessive about something that shouldn’t even be so important to her.  It's like she's a different person when you're around, or even the subject of you comes up!  She’s gotten completely off-track in life.   Lost her way.

(meets Lero’s eyes)

Do you have any idea what that’s like?

Lero’s silence and the shock in his eyes say that: yes, he does.

HONEYDEW

(under her breath)

Embarrassment upon embarrassment upon embarrassment.  

WIDESCREEN

Well, I’m done yapping.  Mac?  You’re up.

BIG MACINTOSH

When Ah’m unable ta work, Pinkie’s unable ta work.  

(smiles)

But Ah love how she’s always makin’ me smile these days.  

PINKIE PIE

Ah love ya, Macky.

WIDESCREEN

Alright!  Doctor!  You’re up!

THE DOCTOR

Thank you.  What I love about Colgate is that she’s a ferociously loyal and trustworthy companion.  I’m not exaggerating when I say she actually walked through acid goo for my sake, once.  I couldn’t be prouder to share my life with a girl like her.

Colgate grins in love and affection, sniffling a little.

MRS. CAKE

Acid... goo?

COLGATE


We were on a trip, out of town.

THE DOCTOR

What annoys me is... she has this habit, WHENEVER she eats ANYTHING... even just a free sample of a cookie from a bakery, she’ll whip out her toothbrush and toothpaste right afterwards, and scrub away on the spot!

Colgate harrumphs as the other mares around her giggle.

COLGATE

(to every other mare in the room)

Oh, YOU try spending every workday staring at diseased gums and cavities and tartar and gingivitis!  You'd pick the habit up too!

THE DOCTOR

As for Derpy Hooves what I love about her is... she’s the one who got me to finally set a few roots down, after a long spell of wandering.  Changed my life forever.  But what annoys me about her is her propensity to drop objects and forget things sometimes!

Derpy Hooves laughs in embarrassment as the other mares just pass her looks.

WIDESCREEN

Alright.  That just leave one more guy.

They all turn to Lero.

LERO

My turn, then?  Alright.  What I love most about Twilight Sparkle is... just her academic mindset.  The more affection she has for you, the more she wants to learn about you.  The more she wants to teach you.  That’s how she expresses her love.  However, she CAN get a little overwhelmed under pressure.  

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

(sadly)

It’s true.  It’s entirely true.

LERO

Rarity... I’m always touched by how easy it is for me to make her happy.  

(licks his lips)

I really can’t think of a fault for her, so...

WIDESCREEN

Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Buddy... I know you love the gal... we all love ours... but you can’t think of one thing wrong with RARITY?

LERO

No, I can’t.  If that disqualifies me, then I’m disqualified, but...

WIDESCREEN

Come ON!  WE were all able to confess something wrong with OUR girls!  I mean... like how about the fact that Rarity’s violent?  

CARAMEL

Or the property damage she causes!

At Twilight’s house, the ladies have all picked up on the mood.

HONEYBEE

You know, I still remember the Diamond Hailstorm!  She’s been a loose cannon since she was YOUNG!  

MRS. CAKE

No offense, dearie, but you really ought to stick with TRADITIONAL weather.  

IVORY KEYS

And do you HAVE to make it so weird and scary?!

Each bit of this that Rarity hears serves to dishearten her further.

MR. CAKE

...Not to mention it drives off the customers...

LERO

Actually, I take it back.  If there’s one thing I’d change about Rarity right now, it’s that I’d make it so this type of criticism didn’t hurt her as much.

Silence from both the stallions’ and mares side of things.

WIDESCREEN

Are you saying we shouldn’t complain about your girl’s mad weather?

LERO

You have the right to complain about her ‘til pigs fly, Widescreen.  All I’m saying is when Rarity hears stuff like that, it goes straight to her heart, and eats away at her from the inside.  I’d love nothing more than to remove that from her somehow... take away that pain.  

Rarity stares at the screen, deeply touched.

LERO

Oh, wait, I almost forgot... I love the way Lyra’s able to switch between being so serene and tranquil and just an casual, offhanded friend.  

WIDESCREEN

And her fault?

LERO

(after some thought)

She eats durians sometimes.

WIDESCREEN

DURIANS?!

MR. CAKE

Somepony actually buys those foul-smelling things?!

CARAMEL

They stink up the whole marketplace!  Why is that Lychee girl still selling them?!

WIDESCREEN

At least tell me that she eats them before coming home!

LERO

Nope!  She eats them AT home!

COLGATE

Oh, Celestia!

MRS. CAKE

That’s disgusting!

LYRA

What?!  Durians are exquisite!  

IVORY KEYS

Exquisitely foul!

COLGATE

I actually ATE one on a dare... and it was like eating rotten onions!  

RARITY

(trying to defend her)

Now, now, girls, it’s not like durians are Lyra’s FAVORITE fruit!  She only buys them every now and again!

LYRA

Rarity, you’re not...

HONEYDEW

(wheels on Lyra)

Your choice in ‘stallions’ is reprehensible enough... but to willingly consume that unnatural perversion of a fruit and declare it ‘exquisite?’  Have you no shame, Miss Heartstrings?!  Have you, at last, no shame?!

WIDESCREEN

Okay!  It’s time to cast our votes!  Everyone have a napkin and a pencil?  

The stallions all nod.  

WIDESCREEN

Good!  Now write the name of which mare you think is best, and which you think is worst.  Again: you are not allowed to vote for a mare from your own herd.  When you’re done, pass it along to Spike, and he’ll tally up the votes.  

This is done.  After all the votes are collected, Spike does the math.

SPIKE

For the position of best wife: Colgate!

MANY OF THE MARES

What?!

COLGATE

Oh my Celestia... I won!  I can’t believe I won!  I never win anything in my life!

SPIKE

And for worst wife...

(regretful sigh)

Lyra Heartstrings.

LYRA

Eating durians makes me worst wife?!

(shakes her head)

Unbelievable.

HONEYDEW

You had it coming, you filly of deplorable proclivities!  

(smiles towards Honeybee)

Aren’t I right, Bee?

HONEYBEE

(coldly)

Hey, Berry?  Did you hear something just now?  It almost sounded like a mare who said she would’ve happily preferred I drowned, rather than live with the shame of me being rescued by a human... one time too many.  

BERRY PUNCH

I’m sure it was just the wind, Bee.

HONEYDEW

(VERY downcast)

I said I was sorry about that... MANY times...

Ivory Keys pats her shoulder sympathetically.

WIDESCREEN

So then, Doctor?  Lero?  Here are two free movie tickets for each of you, good for any movie of your choice until the end of the year.  Congratulations to you both!

As the Doctor smiles happily and Lero smiles wryly and the other stallions clap and stomp their approval, the picture fades for the mares.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE

Well, that’s all we have time for, because my horn’s getting a little tired.  So thank you all for coming!

BERRY PUNCH

Wait, wait, wait!  We’re not just gonna let our stallions get away with this, are we?!

MRS. CAKE

Berry has a point!  It’s not right for them to talk about us behind our backs like that!

HONEYDEW

(grimly)

We must retaliate!

HONEYBEE

Tit for tat!

RARITY

Just what are you saying, Honeybee?!

HONEYBEE

I’m saying...

(grins)

We play our own game of ‘Best Husband, Worst Husband!’  

MANY OTHER MARES

(ad lib, overlapping each other)

Oh yeah!  /  Sounds like a plan!  / Sounds fun!  /  I’m definitely in!

HONEYBEE

Rarity?  Do you have some pencils and napkins we can use?