"What the fuck did I drink last night?" I groaned, not wanting to open my eyes. I know for a fact that I didn't get shitfaced, so I didn't understand why I was feeling like I just got raped in more ways than one. All I could tell from my surroundings was that I was in the Everfree Forest without my armour, and I wanted out.

'Right, time to go.' I thought, slowly getting to my feet. Feeling a weight on my chest, I looked down to discover that I was wearing standard Marine equipment, complete with M4 strapped across my chest.

"The fuck?" I muttered, before shaking my head and sliding a pair of aviators over my eyes. "Never mind, magic." I set forth at a jog, after figuring out my location.

I was near Froggy Bottom Bog, and I did not want to stick around for the hydra to find me.

[Orchard]

"That's odd." I went prone and looked down the scope of my carbine at a stallion that looked a lot like an orange Big Macintosh. In fact, the more I looked, the more I was confused as shit. Then a woman who I've never seen before started helping him.

"Fucking..." I sighed and planted my face into the ground. A few times. Very hard. At least it wasn't against th.

The minor pain told me that I wasn't dreaming, so I slowly got to my feet and made sure I put the carbine on safe. "Might as well see if I can get the fuck out of this Rule 63 universe and back to mine..."

I took a moment to spy on my other, female self by hiding up in an apple tree. Of course, that damn tree was the next one in line for having the crap kicked out of it.

"Ya'll got dem buckets set up, Mary?" The colt-AJ questioned.

Well, my mother wanted to name me Mary if I turned out to be a girl...

"Yeppers, AJ." She replied, stepping back for AJ to kick the tree. I was barely able to hang on, unlike the apples around me, as the tree shook like a bitch. "Wait, what's that?" Goddammit a magazine slipped out of a pocket.

'You traitor.' I silently hissed at the offending 30 round magazine as 'Mary' looked up.

"Who are you?" She questioned, narrowing her eyes at me. I had half of a mind to yell out that the police was coming and bolt off like a true nigger, but I settled in on something different.

"The Doctor." I lied my ass off.

"Bullshit, she's in town as we speak." She immediately said. I chuckled a bit and jumped down.

"The other Doctor." I replied, inspecting my fingernails. "The one who isn't afraid of taking a life if he needs to." Realization dawned upon my woman self. If she truely was me, she would understand that as few people were to know as possible.

"So, what's your name?" She asked, holding out her hand. "And rank?"

"Brigadeführer un Generalmajor Mark Durnkinscoff." I said with a glance to AJ. "USMC."

"I take it you speak German as well?" She questioned. At my nod, she smiled a little. "I haven't really taught AJ the Fatherland's voice yet, so we can talk about sensitive matters in it."

"Quick question."I said as she led me away from the stallion with a small apology. "Is Hitler female?"

"Rule 63'd universe?" She questioned.

"He was a man named Adolf Hitler. If I guess correctly, he wanted to exterminate the Jewish people in yours." I answered.

"Her name was Elizabeth Hitler."

"Eh, I'd think he would be more of a Delilah or something." I shrugged and looked down at myself. "This isn't my uniform, by the way. You get ODST-like armour yet?"

"Yeah, but I don't use it on the farm." I nodded and looked around. To me, the landscape looked alien, while she saw home.

---

"What are the rulers' names?" I questioned as the two of us ate lunch in the kitchen with Papa Smith cooking for the rest of them.

"Prince Sol, Prince Lunar, Prince Shadow, and Princess Dawn, though she changes genders on a whim." Mary answered. I trusted Granny (or Papa in this case) Smith with a lot of things, so we were speaking in English.

"Celestia, Luna, Nightmare, Dawn." I scratched my shoulder. "Dawn changes genders as well."

"An' how is mah oth'r self?" Papa questioned.

"Kind, smart, patient, and can make a damn good pie." And then I got slapped across the back by a rolling pin. "And just as good as hitting." I added with a small wince.

"You should have known better."

"So, WWII was pretty much like mine except the soldiers were female."

"Yep."

"And until the fifties, men were treated like they were incapable of complete, rational thought."

"Correct."

"By Armok, I feel dirty." I muttered.

"Just stop bitching and keep digging, I'm putting the nobles under the drawbridge." Mary answered with a grin. We both chuckled and continued heading to the clocktower.

"What?" Was the first thing that came out of the Doctor's mouth. Before either of us could speak, we were dragged into the building. "You lot are exactly the same! Well, aside from the difference in genders, but your genetic makeup is completely identical!"

"Check for void stuff." James (Jenny) offered. The Doctor pulled out her 3D glasses and looked through them.

"You're bloody soaked in the stuff!" She declared. "Where are you from, lad?"

"Different universe." I answered. "Everyone's gender has been switched, for me."

"How'd you get here..." She muttered, rubbing her chin with a hoof. "Alternate universes aren't able to be breeched anymore."

"That's what I'm hoping to find out." I answered. "All I remember is eating buzz boar and falling asleep in bed several hours later." I helpfully added.

"Well, your universe is a day ahead of ours." Mary said. "o'Drake and Duffy should be returning momentarily. Would you like to try and recreate the event?" It was risky as shit.

"It's our best choice..." Doctor mused. "The TARDIS won't breech the void anymore, so merely dropping you off is out."

"Alrighty then." I said, but looked at my female counterpart. "I'll have to sleep with you and AJ tonight, though."

"If I didn't understand the situation, I would hurt you." With that, we bid farewell.

---

"Fresh meat?" o'Drake questioned as we helped her and Duffy move tables.

"Something like that." Mary answered. Duffy looked at my uniform.

"What's your rank?" She asked, as it didn't have anything on them.

"Brigadier General Mark Smitherns." I answered. "Don't know why I appeared in infantry clothes, as I was poisoned while wearing civilian clothing."

"What killed you?" Doc asked, arriving with male Fluttershy in tow.

"Cyanide in my scotch." I answered. "Who're you two?"

"I'm Iris Thompson and this is Timid Flurry." The pegasus muttered a hello. "I'm the medical officer for this lot."

"Pleasure to meet you, ma'am." I held out my hand.

"Call me Iris, or Doc." She answered my hand with a shake.

"Then call me Mark." I said with a grin.

---

Lemme tell you, getting tackled by a woman in titanium armour wearing nothing but a set of BDUs hurts like a bitch. I didn't complain, and when Boor hit me again, I stood still long enough to pass the ball to Jenny (Jeremy).

"Food's ready!" Doc shouted as I massaged my ribs, certain they were at least bruised. I had already written down what went on, as it was pretty much a repeat of last night's conversation.

---

"Er, why does he have'ta sleep with us again?" AJ questioned as we stood around in his bedroom.

"Because I'm Mary, or an alternate version of her." I sighed, knowing I couldn't lie to him. "The Doctor and I pretty much drew up a plan to get me back to my universe."

"Ah'll pretend to know what yer talkin' about an' go along with it, Ah guess." He finally said, before jumping on the bed. Mary and I awkwardly joined, me on the outermost side.

"...Just don't start having sex." I said, before closing my eyes. I got a punch to the shoulder for that.

The next morning, I woke up being spooned by a very muscled Applejack... and one of his muscles was poking me in the back.

"Goddammit." I growled.

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