“Are you fucking kidding me? Saw a snake? Really?!”

“For the sixth time, yes.” Twilight answered, exasperated. It was a fine morning, with an easy breeze rolling through Ponyville. He didn’t mean to sleep in as late as he did.

“Then how come I didn’t-“

“It was about ten minutes ago. You missed the whole thing!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing around in her usual bubbly fashion. “I haven’t seen a rodeo like that in forever!”

Ryan spent the last night in the home of Twilight Sparkle, and it was not a particularly lovely experience for either of them. Probably due to the fact that he had shoved the pony out of her own bed in order to clamber into it.

By this point, you’d really think he’d learn to remember about the unicorn magic.

Ergo, he spent half the night in a floating pink bubble.

Very, very angrily.

Since nobody – nopony, whatever, - seemed to be coming to let him out, and his nonstop ranting and swearing couldn’t wake anyone up through the bubble, he eventually gave up and tried to sleep in it by crimping up unhappily at the bottom. Ryan didn’t even think about needing air until he was fast asleep, and nightmares of suffocating inside the bubble woke him continuously.

Much to his surprise, however, the bubble unexpectedly popped about half way through the night, dropping Ryan to the library floor with a heavy plunk.

More accurately, leaving Ryan free to obtain revenge.

Or, at least he promised himself he would, if he weren’t so damned tired. So, Ryan curled up and slept on the floor next to a bookcase, did his best to ignore his hunger, and fitfully fell back asleep.

He awoke in a rather comfortable bed, blankets tucked neatly around him.

“Yoo-hoo. Anypony in there?” Twilight asked, waving her hoof in front of his face.

“Zuh-huh?” he stuttered, startled out of his haze.

“You’ve just been standing there staring at me, for, like, the last five minutes.”

“Oh. Uh. Just… distracted.” Ryan grumbled, sticking his hands in his pockets and shambling off down the road. Twilight followed closely behind him.

“I know I didn’t show you much of Ponyville before, but hopefully we can make up for some lost time today. I know I put that schedule somewhere…”

Ryan scratched his head, wishing for a pair of sunglasses. The morning light was starting to give him a headache. Unfortunately, when he awoke in front of Twilight’s home, all he had in his pockets was the single faded photograph.

No phone, no lighter, no cigarettes, no wallet, no – wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Yeah. Yeah, he did wake up in front of Twilight Sparkle’s home. One of the few ponies in charge of some ‘Elements of Harmony’, or something like that from what Rarity had told him of their escapades last night. Exactly what were the odds that he’d wind up there, of all places?

And this princess. Evidently, Equestria was run by some kind of monarchy, meaning that they had either a military or an awful lot of tools at their disposal. Probably both. If the first thing Purple did upon seeing Ryan was inform her princess, why was he still here with Twilight and her friends? It would seem that the most logical course of action would be to intervene directly, instead of expecting him to show up at some freakin’ gala…

Something wasn’t right.

“Awfully introspective today, aren’t we?” Twilight asked slyly, sidling up beside him as they walked through the town.

“Huh?”

Ryan wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t trust the look she was giving him.

Play dumb!

Shut up, brain, I can handle this!

“Oh, yeah,” Ryan said, rubbing his stomach. “I was just thinkin’, since those cows were here and all, did any of them stick around?”

“Why?” Twilight asked curiously, cocking her head slightly. A pony selling flowers from a transportable booth stared for a moment as they passed, then gave them both a warm smile and waved. The noise in town was starting to pick up.

“Well, because I want to kill it. Duh.”

“What?” Twilight shrieked in revulsion. “What- why would you even… please tell me that this is another one of your sick jokes!”

Purple’s outburst surprised Ryan a little, although in hindsight, he really should have expected it. Especially considering the fact that all of these ponies were herbivores, eating any kind of meat must be like cannibalism to them.

“Well, uh ‘cause… I’m hungry.”

She stared at him again as it dawned on her, abject horror spreading across her face. He felt a little guilty then, but couldn’t put his finger on why, exactly.

He didn’t really expect them to be so… human.

Twilight quivered a bit, and looked like she was going to be sick. “Look, you… you can’t do that, okay?” she said shakily, trying to push the terrible mental images out of her mind. “Just… you eat waffles, things like that, right?”

Ryan sighed, pushing his long greasy black hair out of his eyes. Knowing his luck, the cows were probably anthropomorphic, too. “I can’t live on hay waffles, Purple.” He wanted to say, I FUCKIN’ NEED MEAT!, but refrained himself. “I’m not a horse like you.”

“Pony.”

“Whatever. There’s no steak to be had here, so I’m gonna go… is that a bakery?” he asked, pointing out Sugarcube Corner.

“Yes, but that isn’t –“ she face-hoofed, getting an idea. “Yes! Yes, it is a bakery! I know it’s not on schedule, but… just take this.” She said, telekinetically lifting out a very small burlap sack out of her saddlebag and dropping it in his outstretched hands. It was tied off at the top, and it felt pretty heavy for something of its size.

“… And this is…” Ryan said, holding up the bag.

“Bits. That should be enough for breakfast, at least.” She said, standing up on her hind legs and pushing him towards Sugarcube Corner.

“Oh, uh… thanks?” Ryan muttered. “Now quit pushin’, I can go in myself.” He stepped away from her, letting her two front hooves fall to the ground from the sudden lack of support. Almost as an afterthought, Ryan turned his head slightly as he rested his hand on the door. “You, uh… want anything, Purple?”

She was busy looking off in another direction, and shook her head. “Uh, no thanks. I’ve really got to go… catch up with somepony. Take your time!” and with that, she bolted off in the direction she’d been gazing.

It was apparent she didn’t want to ditch him, although for whose sake was unclear. “I’ll be back in a bit!” she shouted over her shoulder, galloping as fast as she could straight through a crowd. He quickly lost sight of her, and shrugged half-heartedly.

Hey, as long as she didn’t know he was suspicious of anything, that made things easier on his part.

He grumbled darkly about how the pastries had better not be made with hay as well, and pushed the door open. A small bell tinkled somewhere inside and he took in a deep breath, relieved to be out of the sun.

“Hiya, Ryan! Wanna help me make some cupcakes?”

“No thanks, Pink. I’m just here for – wait, Pinkie?” he said, startled. He watched her frilly mane bounce up from behind the counter, the rest of her quickly following suit. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here, silly filly!” Pinkie Pie replied with a giggle, as if he’d just asked the most ridiculous question imaginable. “And I could really use some help making cupcakes, and – “

“Whoa, no. No free labor for you.” he said, jabbing a finger at her. “I’m just here for food.”

It didn’t slow her down in the slightest, discovering that Ryan had no intentions of helping her whatsoever. “Oki-doki-loki! What’ll ya’ have?” she asked, gesturing to the rather large display of assorted cakes, treats and pastries. Well, it was no steak, but it was something other than hay waffles.

“I dunno,” Ryan said, checking the pouch Twilight had given him. “I thi- holy ass balls!” he cried out, eyes widening in shock.

Gold.

It was filled to the brim with coins of solid fuckin’ gold.

After a few brief moments of silence, Ryan did something even Pinkie didn’t see coming.

“WHOO! WHOO HOO HOO HOO!”

“Whoo! Whoo choo hoo!” Pinkie yelled with him, leaping up on top of the counter.

“I’m rich! Filthy rich! Dirty stinkin’ filthy fuckin’ rich!” Ryan did a little dance with glee, wobbling his arms back and forth like a massive featherless chicken. He probably looked a little… well, a lot stupid, but by this point, he didn’t care.

“We’re filthy rich, even!” Pinkie added, doing her own little dance on the countertop.

“Fuck the rent, I'm gonna pay Carlos! No, fuck that; I’m gonna buy a jet!” Ryan cheered happily, now swinging the back around like a propeller blade.

“I don’t know what that is!” Pinkie laughed, doing her best imitation of Ryan’s helicopter imitation.

It was at this point that a very confused Mr. and Mrs. Cake struggled in through a side door, lifting a large triple layered cake with bright green frosting between them.

Ryan stopped mid-dance, which, unfortunately for him, had been when he’d grabbed a couple of party streamers and was dancing around, using them as makeshift tassels.

The only one that didn’t stop dancing was Pinkie, still on top of the counter singing something about throwing cake on the ground. And, of course, it was also the precise moment when Ryan realized a very important fact. It didn’t matter how much the gold coins were worth if he couldn’t get home.

“… Well. This is awkward.”

Author's Notes:

Maybe return trips could help.