“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!”

“Will you calm down?”

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOm NO NO NO NO! I don't WANT to be a man / lady!”

Ryan refused to believe it. It was horrible, it was a travesty.

“Ryan Junior! How could you forsake me?!” he/she screamed in anguish as he/she wept, head nearly between his/her legs.

Fuck it, I’m calling him ‘her’ now.

“Calm down? Calm down?!” she gasped, hyperventilating. “My precious is gone! My one meaning in life! How am I supposed to live without my d- without my di- without my diiiii-…. With a vagina?”

Ryan paused, putting a thoughtful finger on her chin. “Oh, but I can say ‘vagina’? What the buck? What kind of sexist horse feathers is that?”

“Not so easy, is it?” Rainbow Dash tittered, flapping her backwards wings experimentally. She could get a couple of feet off the ground, but nothing more than a few seconds. Ryan glared at the tomboyish Pegasus furiously, crossing her arms across her now quite bountiful chest.

“What, you think ‘easy’ when you see me?” Ryan spat.

“Easier than taking candy from a filly!” she shot back, stamping angrily.

Ryan’s eyes narrowed, as if looking for a weak spot. “You’re just angry because I’m prettier than you. Tits, I was prettier than you before.” She blinked, and happily said “Oh, sweet! I guess ‘tits’ is okay. Tits tits tits tits tits – oh, uh… don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Ryan added as an afterthought.

“I hate you because you’re a big, dumb jerk!” Rainbow glared at her, flaring her wings dangerously.

“No, I used to be a big, dumb jerk. Now I’m even more useless,” Ryan grinned, motioning toward her new shapely figure. She stopped again, hands flying to her bosom as she put on a look of mock surprise. “Why, my goodness! I think I finally figured it out! You really hate me because I’m a guy!” her face dropped into a sarcastic smirk, and Dash eventually understood what she was implying.

“Just what are you sayin’, pal?!”

“I’m sayin’ you traded off your bone throne for the coochie smoochie.” Ryan responded bluntly.

“Oh, that- is- it!” Dash screamed in rage, hurling herself forward with as much force as she could muster. However, precisely as Ryan had predicted, she wound up propelling herself backwards at high velocity into a tree.

Ryan collapsed in laughter, wiping a tear from her eye. “Sweet Jeebus, this is hilarious! Almost worth the sudden gender bender, but still! Ha ha ha!”

Pinkie pie furiously stood in front of her, spraying spittle everywhere as she strained to speak.

“What’s that? Sorry, cupcake, can’t hear ya!” Ryan giggled, cupping a hand around her ear.

“Thth ptth yfth thith thhhither ththtith!”

“Why, you’re absolutely right, Pink! Rainbow Crash does look awfully stupid!”

“All of you, knock it off!” Twilight glowered at them, but to no avail.

“Even Flutter-butt agrees with me. Right?” Ryan asked, bending over Fluttershy expectantly.

“… I don’t wanna get in the middle of this.”

Ryan blanched in surprise; her voice was incredibly deep. As in, manly man deep.

“… Okay, now, that’s buckin’ funny!” she screeched, clutching her sides as she laughed.

“Ththh pthh tiggth pithfle flith!”

“Sorry, Pink, still got nothin’,” Ryan said sweetly, flipping her the bird. She was glad she could still do that, at least.

“I think Pinkie said that… Slender Mare is coming…?” Flutterguy said in confusion.

And that’s when they heard the screaming.

Zecora’s hut blended in well with the environment, and if they hadn’t been looking for it, they probably would have passed right by it.

Ryan took the lead, galumphing with enormous strides in front of the ponies. Applejack clung tightly to a string of Rarity’s ludicrous amounts of hair, which she tripped over continuously.

“Hang on, kid!” Ryan roared in as deep a voice as she could muster (which wasn’t very impressive) while kicking Zecora’s front door nearly off its hinges. “Imma whoop some mother buckin’ flank!”

In the center of the hut stood Zecora, leaning contentedly over a large cauldron. The pot boiled and simmered, a brightly colored liquid steaming away.

“Plighthl lith fillithgl flighlstith!”

“And she’ll gobble you up, in a big tasty stew…!” Flutterguy translated, eyes widening in shock. Without slowing her pace, Ryan slammed into Zecora, knocking her away from the cauldron, which she was busy stirring with a large wooden ladle. She grunted in surprise, as it wasn’t every day that a large (and quite busty) hairless ape broke her door down and knocked her into a wall.

“Where’s Apple Bloom?” Appletini squeaked, miniature eyes darting around frantically. Without hesitation, Ryan grabbed the cauldron by the sides and gave it a mighty heave, which she noticed was much more difficult without so many muscles. It quickly gave way, however, and the boiling contents waved over onto the ground. However, there was still no Apple Bloom to be seen.

“Why can’t we all just get along? What have I done to deserve this wrong?” Zecora asked brusquely as she picked herself up off the floor.

“The jig is up, Zecora!” Twilight stamped her hoof, starting forward dangerously. Then again, there wasn’t much more she could do to intimidate Zecora; Ryan had already burst in, tackled her, dumped her cauldron, and wrecked nearly half the place in doing so. “Take away your curse and give back Apple Bloom!”

Much to Twilight’s surprise, it was Ryan who spoke up first. “Wait, what curse?” she said, blinking.

“The curse Zecora put on us for trying to save Apple Bloom!”

“What are you, buckin’ stupid?” Ryan asked, cocking an eyebrow. “She straight up told us not to ‘be smoking dat weed now mon’. I thought it was all my fault for getting smoke all over you guys.” Zecora’s eyebrow raised a little at the mockery of her accent, though she said nothing.

“What the gorilla claims is true – I warned you not to trust the flowers blue. Concocting a cure I was, but fun at me you poke! And I plainly said ‘beware Poison Joke’!”

“Thighllgle plthighle thith?” Pinkie Pie spluttered, spraying spittle everywhere.

“Indeed,” Twilight agreed. “If you really were so intent on helping us to the point of going out of your way to make a cure,” and Ryan looked at the rapidly cooling liquid on the ground guiltily, and the wreckage she’d left behind. “then what did you do with Applebloom?”

“Who’s lookin’ fer me, now?” Apple Bloom asked, sticking her head in through the shattered remains of the front door.

“Apple Bloom!” Appletini cried out, flinging herself at her little – er, bigger – sister.

“What in tarnati- Applejack?” the filly said in confusion. She promptly fell into a state of unstopping giggles, desperately trying to keep a straight face as she handed Zecora a couple of vines. “Here’s – knnt! – here’s some a’ those things you were lookin’ fer… hang on, what happened to the Poison Joke antidote?” she said, just now noticing the small scale destruction.

Ryan had suddenly become much more interested in her shoes.

She perked her head up, thinking. “Wait… if Apple Bloom’s fine, then why was she screaming?” Zecora deadpanned, saying “Within her lungs she has much air stored, for when the little one should get bored.”

“Ah took screamin’ lessons from Sweetie Belle!” she bragged. “Ooh! Did ah get a cutie mark fer it?” Apple Bloom spun on the spot, trying to check her flank.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Apple Bloom did not have a cutie mark.

“What the buck do you mean, a week?!”

Ryan was nearly in tears by this point; she’d expected Twilight to come up with some kind of magical cure, or something. She didn’t like the magic in this world in the slightest, but she would admit, it could be very handy.

“Zecora said that’ll you’ll be lucky to ever return to normal, and you should be thankful she worked so hard on the antidote.” Twilight said plainly. It felt good to finally be back in Ponyville, and Twilight had already begun assisting in the preparations for the arrival of royalty. “A week is hardly too long to ask for it to take effect, really. You probably shouldn’t have tried smoking it.”

“Have you ever tried being the other bucking gender?!” Ryan screamed in anguish, overturning the table they sat at. Twilight barely managed to save her dandelion sandwich, and the hay fries flew through the air. The waiter simply stood by, watching everything with a professionally bored expression.

“Calm down,” Twilight said with a small smile, taking a bite out of her sandwich. “I think this is the perfect chance for you to learn something that you might never have otherwise.”

“You’re… you’re right,” Ryan breathed heavily, trying to calm herself as she returned the table to its proper position. “It’s probably just… y’know, my period, or something.”

“… I’m sorry, what?” Twilight said, a little stunned.

“Y’know, the thing women get, makes ‘em all cranky and sh- cranky and shhh… cranky an’ shhhhiiiiifffffff buck me with a shovel!” Ryan groaned, desperately missing her previous vocabulary. “I just need to find tampons. That’ll fix it, right?”

It would appear that the waiter was trying very hard to decide whether or not it was safe to laugh.

Twilight merely stared at Ryan, as if in disbelief.

“You… really don’t know much about females, do you?”

“Does it bucking look like it?” Ryan deadpanned, motioning toward her body. “They talk too much, they worry about their hair and shoes, and they got extra holes. Just help me fix this, would ya’ please?”

“… Yes.” Twilight said slowly, her eyes narrowing almost unperceptively. “… ‘help’ you.”

Ryan suddenly felt very, very uneasy.

“This, uh… this isn’t going to lead to any kind of ‘clichéd mandatory makeover’, is it?” she asked nervously, beady black eyes darting back and forth.

“You don’t seem to have much respect for the opposite gender, but I’m willing to forgive your obliviousness to the female plight. Let’s fix that, shall we?”

“What the buck do you know on the first thing about bein’a gir-… oh.” Ryan clapped a hand to her head, feeling stupid. “So, uh… you gonna make me read a book, or somethin’?”

Twilight gave him the largest smile he’d ever seen.

“Yes. Or something.”

“… Well? What are you waiting for?” Twilight urged her on. Ryan wasn’t too keen on picking up the little fuzz ball – it looked more like a floating colored dust bunny with a mouth and eyes. “Go on,” she said. “I think you’ll find that taking care of something else besides yourself will be a wonderful exercise.”

Ryan glared at it hatefully, or at least tried to. Judging from the mirror across from her, she only looked a bit pouty. They had gathered in Fluttershy’s cottage, who had rescued some other useless creature that Ryan didn’t care about.

Dropping the fluff ball and turning back to the mirror, Ryan pondered aloud, “… Wow, I look hot.” She tilted her head, running a finger lightly down her neck. “Holy tits! No scars, no tattoos, no…” she stopped, looking sadly between her legs. “… No junk.”

“I don’t want the buckin’ thing,” Ryan said, pushing the little sentient ball away. It merely gazed up at her, and for a moment she thought it was staring at him/her hungrily.

“Oh, don’t be so mean to the poor thing!” Fluttershy insisted, handing it to her. “And I think you’re wrong about the tattoos; I can still see part of that one on your back.” she pointed at Ryan’s ink, and the corner of the shark’s maw sticking out a bit. Ryan quickly covered it with her shirt, wishing that she hadn’t shrunk slightly. The clothes were hard enough to wear before.

When did I get so self-conscious?

“Fine, fine,” Ryan agreed, planning on chucking the little bastard as hard as she could the first chance she got. “I’ll take care of it; ‘sides, you gave one to Skittles first. If she can take care of one, I can do it better.”

Fluttershy and Twilight shared an uncomfortable glance. Rainbow Dash had flat out refused to speak to Ryan after the ‘Poison Joke Incident’, and it wasn’t hard to see why; she’d been giving her grief almost nonstop. Ryan’s endless barrage of lightly censored derogatory homosexual jokes had been a strain on everyone’s nerves, but they were mostly aimed at Dash.

“… Hey, I know,” Ryan said suddenly. “Me an’ the little guy here,” she pointed to the little yellow puff. “We’re gonna go ‘round Ponyville. Y’know, show him around!”

“I don’t know…” Fluttershy began, worried about the way Ryan was grinning at the little creature.

“That’s a great plan!” Twilight agreed, nodding with a hearty smile. “I’m glad you’re finally showing some initiative.”

“Uh, yeah…” Ryan said slowly, scratching the back of her greasy head nervously. “… Initiative.” After a couple of awkward moments of silence, Ryan snatched the little yellow puff up and marched out the door. “Whelp, gotta get goin’!” she said, waving over her shoulder with the same arm she used to carry the Parasprite. The puff’s eyes nearly bugged out of its head, as Ryan didn’t seem to notice (or care) that she was squeezing it too hard.

The door slammed shut, and a picture frame with a picture of Fluttershy and her friends tilted slightly to the side.

“… Why do I suddenly get the feeling that I just unleashed something terrible upon the citizens of Ponyville?” Twilight inquired, thinking.

“Oh, I’m sure it’s just the jitters. I get those after being around him – er, her, as well.”

“Why does Ryan make you nervous?” she asked the Pegasus curiously. Fluttershy’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink, and she quickly said “Oh, my, that reminds me, do you know where I can find a book on the best possible dinner for baby bunnies?”

“I don’t know what that has to do w-“

“The best possible dinner for baby bunnies!” Fluttershy restated, hoping that her friend would change the subject.

“Well, I do have a book that might help. The Basic Botanical Boundaries of B-“

“Good, good!” Fluttershy said quickly, ushering her friend out of the house. The tiny Parasprite belonging to Twilight poked its little face out of her mane, ogling. “You should go find it, right away!” And with that, Fluttershy slammed the door closed, leaving a very confused unicorn on her doorstep.

Twilight sighed, and headed for Ponyville. She didn’t see Ryan around, which wasn’t a good sign. Surely she couldn’t move that quickly.

“I have strange friends,” Twilight grumbled to nopony in particular as she trotted.

Indeed. She did have strange friends.

“Come on, you little sh- you little shhhh-! Buck! Just give it back, already!” Ryan yelled at the little puff, waiting for it to expel her lunch. Se hadn’t eaten all day, and she couldn’t survive on grass and crap like these ponies did. She’d dropped the apple on the table at the library, hoping to grab some kind of burlap bag and some rocks to get rid of the little monster properly.

However, when Ryan returned (infuriatingly empty handed, I might add) she discovered the Parasprite, as Pinkie had dubbed it, sitting happily atop the table. It just smiled and chirped at him, staring with wide baby blue eyes.

And Ryan was furious.

“Raaaagh! Do you know how hard it is to kill something on an empty stomach?” she said gruffly to the Parasprite, poking it hard. However, instead of falling off the table like she’d hoped, the Parasprite merely belched.

Vomiting up a nearly identical, palette swapped Parasprite directly onto Ryan’s face.

“AW, BUCK! That is gross!” she shrieked, flinging the vomit-baby off her face. It hit the wall with a splat! before floating up happily next to its cousin.

Ryan thought for a moment, staring at them.

“… Oh, god. They’re gremlins.”

Twilight had indeed released something terrible upon the citizens of Ponyville.

And, for once, it wasn’t Ryan.

“And I’ll need three pieces of string, some banjos, a couple of kazoos, and a gypsy tambourine!” Pinkie demanded, awaiting her friend’s response.

“Pinkie, forget that!” Twilight insisted, watching in horror as the Parasprites swarmed through Ponyville. “We need to get them out of here, now!” The Parasprites were ravishing everything edible they could find, stealing and munching a swath of destruction a mile wide. Or, rather, a Ponyville wide.

“Ugh, do I have to do everything myself?” Pinkie moaned loudly, stomping off.

“What’s with her?” Rainbow Dash asked, hovering hesitantly next to the violet unicorn.

“I guess she’s just being… Pinkie.” Twilight guessed, shrugging. “Any more rope left, Applejack?” she asked the orange cowpony, who was currently swiping at a couple of the Parasprites that came too close for comfort.

“Sorry, sugarcube,” Applejack said. “used the last of it ter roll them varmints through the Everfree.”

Twilight sighed, shaking her head anxiously. If she’d known the princess was going to be making a visit early… she glared at the new banner, hanging above a little dingy pub. The sign hadn’t even been written properly, painted with ‘Welcome Princess Clesestia!’ on it in bright red paint.

Everything was going straight to Tartarus, and she knew it. She grew more panicked as the Parasprites swarmed, desperately trying to think of an idea.

“Ooh, I’ve got it!” she exclaimed, lowering her head as her horn began to glow with a bright purple light.

“Dear, how are you going to manage getting rid of all the Parasprites?” Rarity asked curiously, backing up a little behind Fluttershy.

“I’m not,” she said, a little proud at her stroke of genius. “they’re just hungry, right?” Fluttershy nodded, a bit ashamed at having kept one of the little beasts. She just couldn’t seem to get anything right lately… Just too distracted, she thought to herself.

“Right.”

“Right! So, if they’re not hungry…” Twilight said lowly, and a large blast of violet energy waved throughout the entire town, and the group watched in amazement as every single Parasprite stopped in mid-air.

“Brilliant!” a light brown pony nearby said, an hourglass as his cutie mark. Twilight glanced at him, but he ducked his head and continued walking as if he hadn’t seen anything.

“Right, then,” Twilight announced, “first things first. That banner-“ she didn’t get the chance to finish, as a swarm of hungry Parasprites soon took care of her problem. The entire stretch of cloth was devoured within moments, and she stared around in fear.

“Not brilliant, not brilliant!” the brown hourglassed earth pony muttered, ducking into an alley.

On the bright side, Twilight thought to herself grimly as one eye began twitching violently. I think Princess Celestia’s name being misspelled is the least of my worries.

“Back! Back you little mother buckers!” Ryan screamed, swinging heavily with the chair at the Parasprites. It was bad enough when they stole food right out of her hands every time she found something to eat. She swung hard at a large floating colony of them, only to pull the remains of the chair out of the buzzing swarm. Ryan promptly dropped the back of the chair, mainly because it was the only thing left of it.

One of the Parasprites began gnawing hungrily at the hem of her shirt, and she swatted it away, diving out the door. She was not walking around naked again, even if she had to stomp the little monsters and make a frilly freakin’ dress out of it.

“What’s going on?” Spike said in surprise, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. This wasn’t how he normally woke up from his afternoon nap.

“It’s every man for himself!” Ryan shrieked, running through Ponyville, watching the ensuing carnage with a bit of awe. She was more upset that the Parasprites had beaten her to lighting Ponyville on fire than she was at the massive amounts of chaos.

Speaking of which… hey, whack job. Ryan thought as loudly as she could, sweat beginning to form as she sprinted through the park.

Hush, it wasn’t me this time.

Hey, buck you! I’ll be quiet when I want to!

Look, I’m really busy right now. Gathering that much energy and orchestrating an entire – wait, did you just say ‘buck you’?

… No. Ryan lied, nearly running into a tree. She shook her head, black hair flinging about. It was difficult to keep up a conversation in her head with Discord and focus at the same time, although she couldn’t figure out why. It had never been a problem any other time, with anyone else; she supposed it just had something to do with Discord hijacking part of her brain, or something.

That, or you’re just really stupid, said a small part of her brain.

Shut up already!

I didn’t say anything.

“FUCKING HELL!” Ryan yelled in pain as she slammed face-first into a light pole, dropping to the ground.

… Oh, great. NOW it’s starting to work.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay?” a light blue hoof came into her field of vision, and Ryan instantly realized it as Lyra Heartstrings. “First Parasprites, and now even more of you are coming? I swear, Bon-Bon was right about that whole ‘ancient calendar’ thing!”

Ryan groaned, pushing herself up with her forearms as she slowly shook her head. “...Hey, Lyra. Watcha been up to?”

“Oh, I’m trying to find Ryan to make sure he’s oka - … how do you know my name?” Lyra suddenly glared at her, backing away steadily.

Ryan dragged herself to her feet, using the light pole for support. She sighed, turned and mooned the pony.

“… Juanita – sweet mother of Celestia, Ryan?!”

“Long story,” Ryan groaned as she tightened her pants around her waist, and Lyra pulled in close to her to keep her standing. She rubbed her head tenderly, feeling the bruise that was likely to form. “I gotta find Twilight, and fast – these little fuckers are eating everything.”

“I saw her in the town square, I think,” Lyra said pensively, and the two started off at a brisk pace.

After a couple of moments of steady jogging, Ryan turned her head to the unicorn. “… So. You, uh… you were worried about me.” she stated.

“I worry about all my friends,” she said defensively, her cheeks blushing lightly.

“You didn’t have to come find me.” It was true; besides, Ryan had specifically told her that he liked to handle things on his/her own.

Lyra merely shook her head, thinking. “... Do you still have that zipper?”

“Huh?”

“Er… zippo. Zippo lighter.”

“Oh, yeah, that!” Ryan said, digging into her pocket. She fumbled for a minute as she tried to run simultaneously, eventually grabbing the accursed thing. She’d never known before just how difficult it was to run without using some kind of support. I’ll be DAMNED if I’m wearing a bra! “Yeah, I still got it,” she said, showing it to her. “… Why?”

“Because, I’ve got a plan to get rid of these Parasprites,” Lyra said with grim determination.

Ryan grinned wickedly. She’d seen that look before, and she knew it well.

It was the look Ryan often wore when burning something to the ground.

“Twilight Sparkle, you did a fine job.” Princess Celestia said, and her mentor leaned in to give her a warm nuzzle.

“We couldn’t have managed without Pinkie Pie,” she said proudly to the marching one-pony band, who was currently preoccupied with clanging together cymbals, using a large drum, a tambourine, two banjos, a kazoo and a trombone. Every single Parasprite in Ponyville was gathered behind Pinkie, dancing happily in a tightly clustered swarm of joyously prancing puffs.

“I see,” Celestia said with a little laugh. “quite the musically talented one. I’m afraid I must return to my duties, however.” She said softly, smiling to her apprentice. “And although I have to leave, I’m certain everything will be completely under wraps for the next time. I have faith in you.”

“… Thank you, Princess.” Twilight said graciously, dipping into a bow. The rest of her friends followed suit, save for Pinkie Pie, who was still leading a small army of hungry Parasprites.

“Oh, save all the pomp for the gala, my little pony.” Celestia said with another laugh. Her brilliantly colored mane waved in the sunlight, shaking a little. “I’m certain your ‘experiment’ will appreciate it, as well.”

Twilight flushed a little, returning the smile warmly. Her ears cocked lightly to the side suddenly, listening. Her eyes widened, and a sense of dread filled her entirely.

“… Is something the matter, my stude- what in the world?!”

Due to Pinkie Pie's loud music, Celestia had nearly failed to notice the large, screaming female charging right at her, swiftly followed by Lyra and a very unhappy Berry Punch. Had Celestia the time to ponder it, she might even have realized that Berry Punch had recently been robbed of her precious alcohol.

Which Ryan had used to concoct a pair of makeshift flaming Molotov cocktails.

“SEE YOU IN TARTARUS, MOTHERFUCKERS!” Ryan roared bestially as she heaved both of the homemade explosives directly at the swarm of Parasprites. Had the entire group not been so completely caught off guard, one of them might have even tried to magically catch the bottles before any harm became the little creatures. Instead, they all watched in shock as the bottles flew straight over their heads, right into the swarm, where every single one of them quickly caught fire.

Ryan cackled maniacally as the insects screamed in fear and pain, dropping out of the sky like so many moths shortly after discovering precisely what fire feels like.

Princess Celestia gaped at her, mouth open wide as she tried to find her voice.

Ryan stared at down at her own large breasts for a moment, before checking between her legs. “Aw, sweet, two for one! I get revenge for my lunch, and Ryan Junior is finally back!” she cheered, before mellowing out. “… Oh, crap. Dude, you forgot your luggage.” She groaned to the place between her legs. Ryan promptly stood up straight, motioned for Berry and Lyra to follow, and ran off speedily in the opposite direction.

After several minutes of watching the last of the pitifully squeaknig and dying Parasprites burn out, Fluttershy was the first to speak.

“… What the fuck just happened?”

Author's Notes:

Fire - the solution to most of life's problems.