A/N: Hoorah, I continued this. Nobody cares.

---

Celestia gives me a strange look, something that basically screams 'holy shit fuck off you filthy casual faggot' but I don't care. There is shit that needs to be solved. Shit that's been nagging me for the longest time.
And I will solve it.

Both princesses look at each other, before sighing at my obvious faggotry.

"How do you expect us to help you, if you're asking for something that require magic?"

Well, I guess Celestia isn't that retarded. But I don't like the fact she's implying I would need magical assistance in order to get laid... although it's most likely the truth.
I'm gonna have to man up and confront shit myself. Maybe I should go to Iron Will's... how does he call them? Seminars?
It could help with my bad case of being a little bitch.

Alright so, where the hell is Rainbow Dash anyway? I can't walk on clouds, I can't fly, and although I'm not afraid of heights, I'd rather stay on solid ground whenever possible.
It's like half past nine, the Moon is high up in the sky and I'm feeling tired, hungry and mean. I need to find me some annoying unicorn bitch and knee her in the face.
Or something.

As if the Gods of whatever the fuck they have here in Equestria answered my prayers, I knee Rarity in the face as I exit the castle.
Not on purpose, but rather because she was standing right behind the door as I opened it, and neither of us watched our step.

Hey, watch where you walkin', bitch!

Hey, hey, watchu say nigga?

Oh wait. She's white.

"Watch it, you... monkey!"

Really? Like, that's all they can ever call me? A monkey, ape, whatever? Sometimes with the word 'fat' thrown in somewhere? Even the biggest fucking morons on Earth had more imagination.

"You watch it. I opened the damn door, not my fault you were standing right in front of it."

"I came for important matters."

"I'm sure you did."

Icame . jpg

"Princess Celestia required my presence tonight."

"Naughty girl."

Her face turns red and her eye starts twitching. Man, this isn't even funny. It's TOO easy to fuck with those ponies. Only, well, not 'fuck' in the way I'd like to. Need to.

"I've lost enough time because of you, you ruffian. Stand aside and let me in."

"Whatever."

I let her in, and as she starts trotting down the hall, I pick up a small rock. "Yeah, yeah, go get that shit, nigga!"

She turns back to face me. "What?"

I throw the rock at her, and it lands in her mane. She gives me a weird look before turning back and walking away.

"Big Smoke, motherfucker!"

She better remember the name. Ah, man that shit sucks. What am I gonna do now?
Eventually they're gonna get used to my antics, and when this happens, the boredom will be doubled... tripled, whatever.
Maybe I could go back to that griffon place and get me some dinner, while at the same time taking Gilda up on her offer?
Spending time with Rainbow Dash...
I wonder if she feels the same. Well, no, she's a raging dyke, but I wonder if she feels the tension. Who cares, anyway?

Once again, I find the place pretty easily, and receive a few strange looks as I enter. Wait, what the fuck?
Oh hell no. FUCK NO.
Not now, not right here. I was going to man the fuck up and by God I'm gonna do it. Preferably within a few seconds.

Fucking damn it. Rainbow and Gilda sitting at 'my' table. Son of a bitch. I glance at them, but apparently they haven't noticed my presence.
Yet.

Maybe they're talking about me? Heh. That'd be funny.
Time for some super advanced human stealth tactics. I get down on all fours and start crawling towards them, hiding behind the furniture and shit.

DON'T LOOK DOWN, JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD AND YOU'LL BE FINISHED

Trying to keep my eyes (and ears) focused on the two of them, I don't watch where the fuck I'm going and hit my head against a pink mare's ass, who loses her balance and falls on me.
Shit is fucking weak right now.

"Fleur? Darling, what happened? Are you alright?"

Yeah yeah, she's fine you faggot. I think.
Hell if I care.

I hide below the table as she struggles to get up, apparently not understanding what just happened.

"Some... thing hit me! I don't know what happened!"

"What was it, darling?"

"I didn't see!"

Okay so, she fell face first on my ass, but she didn't see me.
Seems legit.

"Come my dear, let's go complain to the manager."

Stupid rich fucks... Works for me, though.
Not like their 'bodies' would help covering my ass anyway, even if they were large enough. Ponies SIT on chair. As in, they have all four legs and their ass resting on the damn things. Only their tail is dangling, and not for all of them either.

When a stallion nearby finally decides to order a nice cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP, I start listening on them. I'm such a crafty little cunt.

...Somehow, I wish I hadn't.

"And he gulped down the entire thing! Then Soarin' came in... it was hilarious! I just wish he weren't immune, so it would have been much funnier!"

To you, maybe. Jesus what the fuck is wrong with everypony wanting to see me get raped? The booty is mine, they can't fucking take it. IT BELONGS TO ME.

I angrily get up, violently hitting my head against the table I was hiding under, and start screaming. "YOU DON'T FUCK WITH A MAN'S BUTT!"

The entire restaurant gasps and looks at me as though I were the devil or something. Too angry to even give a shit about how my head hurts, I quickly close the distance and grab Gilda by the patch of fur she has on her 'chest', shaking her violently.

Hm. Is she trying to say something? Better stop shaking.

"I... I-I... Were you... Uh, I... I..."

Yeah. Might as well keep shaking.
Dash leaps from her chair and for the umpteenth time today, I get a goddamn pone barreling into my sides, sending me on my ass. Letting go of Gilda, I make a pained and annoyed grunt as my ass hits the floor.
I'm surprised it didn't leave a crater or anything.

"What the fuck's wrong with you two? Soarin' raping my ass sounds funny to you?"

Gilda knows better than to say or do anything, but Rainbow Dyke hasn't taken the hint.

She starts to laugh. "YES!"

That fucking does it. I try to grab her mane but GODDAMN the bitch has reflexes. Before I can even realize I missed, she's already on the other side of the restaurant.

"COME BACK AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

"I'm not a man."

"YOU'RE BUTCH ENOUGH, COME ON FITE ME IRL"

She giggles and lazily flies back, but she makes sure to stay out of range. All the creatures in the restaurant are looking at three of us, but apparently they don't care more than I do.

"C'mon bluebutt, I'm right there, you and me, let's do this shit!"

"Yeah, I know you're right there, I mean, it's hard to miss you, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. Like I haven't heard that one before."

Fuck, now that I'm slowly calming down, my head hurts like shit.

She grins at me. "Why don't YOU come at me? Let's see what you got."

"Yeah no. In case you haven't noticed, I can't fly. And I'd rather come IN you."

She opens her eyes wider than should be physically possible, and a light blush creeps onto her face. Gilda starts laughing.

"Seriously you two?"

I look at her and raise an eyebrow. "What?"

Dash doesn't seem to appreciate her friend laughing, either.

"C'mon you guys! The sexual tension between you two could be cut with a knife! Go and get a room, jeez! You'll thank me later..."

NO. NOW IS NOT THE TIME.
Boner and blush, you both take your shit and fuck off. You just lost all your Canterlot privileges. You stay gone, or you be gone.

Rainbow Dash stammers. "I.. But he... but... We don't... No! No way! There's no sexual tension between us at all!"

She sits back onto her chair and looks at Gilda defiantly. I get up as well and brush my pants.

"Yeah, none whatsoever."

YOUR LIES AND EMPTY PROMISES AIN'T NEVER GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT

Gilda is still laughing... Meh, fuck that bitch. For real.

"None whatsoever, eh? Right. Do I have to threaten you so you realize it?"

What now? "Threaten us? Yeah yeah, why don't you make me instead?"

"That's Dash's job."

I actually start laughing at that, while the blue pony's face turns red once again. I look at her and she gives me the same look I'm giving her. It basically says 'fuck that griffon bitch'.

NINJA THIS MOTHERFUCKER

Before my eyes could send the information to my brain, Rainbow had tackled her to the ground, right in front of me. I look at her and shrug.

"Well Gilda, you're slow for an eagle hybrid thingy."

"Slow? SLOW? COMING FROM YOUR OVERWEIGHT MONKEY ASS?"

"...Yeah." I'm so used to that shit, it doesn't even annoy me anymore.

The cyan pegasus approaches me. "C'mon, she's being a bitch, let's get up outta here."

Why is she being so forward now?

"C'mon, move your ass!" What's up with her?

"Make me."

She doesn't answer, keeping her head turned away from me, avoiding eye contact. Man, what the fuck is wrong with those ponies?
The cold air hits me as I start walking behind her. Damn, I should have brought a jacket or something. Short sleeves don't help, either.

"So uh, where are we going?"

"Just shut your dumb ape ass and follow me."

Wait, wait, hold on a minute. What makes her think she can insult and order me around? And what in the name of fuck makes me keep following her?

Oh. Right.
Horsefuckery.

I'm nervous as hell and scared of what I'll start feeling if she's just taking me for a walk or some other non-sexual shit. Might as well make some small talk...

"So, what were you doing in Canterlot?"

"I can ask you the same thing!"

"I was trying to find some, uh... answers."

She raises an eyebrow, although I can't see it, walking behind her and all, I just know she raised an eyebrow. Or whatever the pony equivalent would be.

"Answers? Answers to what?"

"Well, Luna visited my dream earlier today, and uh it was some weird shit."

She bursts out laughing.

I pick up the pace, annoyed. "What? What's so funny?"

"Do you imagine if everypony visited Princess Luna everytime she came into their dreams?"

She 'came into their dreams'.
Princess Luna says: I want to come into their dreams.

GODDAMN IT KNOCK IT OFF AND CONTINUE THE DAMN STORY YOU FAGGOT

"Maybe some of them would actually want some answers, if she went into their dreams to tell them she and another few mares wanted to fuck their brains out."

She stops dead in her tracks, and I get a faceful of her ass. Quite literally, as she was hovering roughly five feet above the ground. Resisting the urge to motorboat it, I push her off me.
At least she's not smelling like Rarity. Thanks fuck for that, though I try hard not to breathe for a few seconds.

"Jesus Rainbow! What's the matter with you?"

"You... you stay away from my ass!"

"More like, you keep it away from my face!"

"And what's that stupid shit? Luna wants you?"

"She strongly implied that."

"You're lying. And you're a bad liar."

"I wish I were, I went to the castle, shit was intense. I nearly had to kill Celestia or something."

"Kill Celestia?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't. But you have some serious issues."

"I guess. Having an immortal Sun goddess trying to get you gangraped does that to some people."

"Yeah, right, like it were Celestia who gave you the-"

"IT WAS HER! SHE FUCKING DID IT!"

"No way, she'd never-"

"SHE WOULD. And she fucking did! Christ, why don't you get your nose out of your ass and actually see for yourself what she's really like? She's a real bitch, Dash. I'm serious, she's dangerous."

"Well, maybe she doesn't like you... She wouldn't be the first one."

I sigh. "Yeah maybe, but the problem is, she can't trust me because she can't fucking read my mind or anything. So she never knows if I'm lying or not."

"That's understandable, isn't it?"

"When you come from a world devoid of magic, no. That's how shit works back on Earth, no one can ever know for sure whether one is lying or not. And that's how we judge, and condemn to death... ain't that a load of shit?"

"Sounds totally stupid."

"It is, but we don't have other alternatives. So anyway, what now? I mean, do we keep talking and shoving each other's faces up our respective buttcracks, or were we actually headed somewhere?"

"Stupid... It was your fault. You didn't stop walking!"

"That's the thing, Dash. I'm WALKING. You should be, too."

"But I have wings."

"Man, that's the stupidest thing I heard since like... I don't know, since we left the restaurant."

She chuckles. "Gilda can be a real bitch, huh?"

"You tell me."

"Well, I was going to take you to some place you might enjoy."

"What kind of place? We always hated each other, how the fuck would you know what kind of place I might wanna hang out at?"

Her face drops and she gives me a confused look.

"We always hated each other?"

"...NO SHIT? I mean... Woah, wait a minute. You mean, you never hated me?"

"Not really."

"Then why acting the way you did?"

"Just doing what you were doing. You treat me like shit, I treat you like shit. Fair, right?"

"Yeah but... why? I mean, me treating you like shit for no apparent reason... Why didn't you hate me for it?"

"I'm a girl."

"Well, that's up to debate."

I get a wing to the face and let out a small laugh. "Sorry, sorry. What does being a girl have to do with anything?"

She snickers. "Well, we're more mature than you males. We're above such nonsense."

"You've been sleeping with Rarity or something? You sound like her."

And another wing to the face.

"Sleeping with Rarity? She's one of the most... annoying mares in town!"

"Gotta agree on that one... but still, she's kinda hot. I mean, I don't know, she looks good, right?"

"Dude, I'm a girl, how would I know?"

"You're a lesbian."

"Ha. Ha. Very funny."

Wait, what? "What? You mean, you're straight?"

She's looking at me, unsure of whether she should even answer or not.

"Uh, I... I don't know?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW?"

"I DON'T KNOW, ALRIGHT? I've never been with somepony. How the hell could I know?"

Well, I'll be damned.

"Are you attracted by pussies, or dicks?"

"...You stupid fuck. I'm attracted by somepony's personality, not what they have between their legs. Pervert."

Huh. Sounds like some bisexual slogan or something.
Still, I like the way she's thinking.

"So? Were you more often attracted by stallions or mares?"

"...I don't... uh..."

"Just answer the damn question, I swear I don't have time for this shit."

"I've never been attracted by anypony! I don't know, I don't have time for this shit, either! I'm Rainbow Dash, I fly and I do tricks and all, and I'm being awesome all around. I don't have time for sex or sappy romance. This is good for bitches like Rarity and weaklings like... I don't know! But this isn't for me."

Well, what do you know. She has serious issues with that shit too, apparently... This evening might prove to be interesting for the both of us.

"I'd never have thought you'd have as many issues with that shit as I do."

"What... what do you mean?"

"It's complicated but to put it simply, I never had much luck with relationships, so I tried pretending I was above such shit, and tried to forget about it, doing other things in life."

"Really? How did it work out?"

"It didn't. At all."

"It did for me."

"No, it didn't."

"It did."

"Didn't."

"Did."

"DIDN'T!"

"DID!"

"Did."

"Didn't."

"SEE!"

"But, I... You asshole!"

"Ah, c'mon Dash, I'm just messing with you. We both need to forget about all that shit, let's head to that place you were talking about."

"Alright... it's a nightclub by the way, and you're paying for the drinks."

"No fucking way in hell I'm paying for enough beer to get me a buzz going."

"Beer? Who the hell talked about beer?"

"Cider then, whatever."

"What kind of a pussy are you? We're getting whiskey."

"Whisk... WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK? ALCOHOL EXISTS IN EQUESTRIA?"

The looks she's giving me is priceless. I explain her what I know, and what I've been told about alcohol in Equestria, and when I finish she's crying from laughter. She then spends a few minutes explaining me that while cider and beer are the only things available 'freely', most adult places sell various kinds of much stronger liquors. And that Gilda is a little pussy, behind her tough appearance and attitude, she never went in any underground place or anything.

"Well, fuck. I'm gonna get FUCKED UP tonight."

"How much money do you have?"

"Since Gilda insisted I didn't have to pay, I guess I have uh... about seventy bits."

"That's enough, c'mon, let's have some fun!"

I'm gonna get shitfaced. And I'm gonna get in trouble. I haven't been drinking seriously in over a month, and I'm with Rainbow Dash. Besides making sure I'll ridicule her by LARGELY outdrinking her sixty pounds ass, which shouldn't be hard at all, I'll also make sure I drink enough to... do what I initially wanted to do. Or say, actually. Or ask.
Whatever.

That's an horrible idea in just about every aspect, but fuck it. Sometimes, a man needs to do thing that won't end well, so that other things can end well in the long run.
Makes sense, right? Fuck you.

We finally reach the nightclub, and a LARGE stallion is blocking the door. Earth pony, and bulky as a motherfucker. Easily half my weight, if not more. He checks Dash out, and snickers. He checks ME out, and frowns.

He first turns towards the pegasus. "Welcome to The Salty Stallion. How tough are ya?"

Dash, being her usual self, has no trouble with that question. "I'm a former Wonderbolt."

Wait, was she actually in the Wonderbolts at some point? How many fucking seasons passed between the third and my arrival here?

The doorpony looks down at her. "Get outta here, this place is too tough for ya."

"Oh yeah?" she looks at him defiantly, "I have a pet with magical rotor blades attached to him, powered by Princess Celestia herself!"

"Yeah... so?"

"He's a tortoise."

His eyes open wide in an exaggerated fashion, and he lets her inside, before turning to me. She doesn't walk in, instead choosing to stay and watch me pass the 'test'.

"Welcome to The Salty Stallion. How tough are ya?"

"Hm, let's see. I'm two feet taller than you, probably over a hundred pounds heavier, and I-"

Dash flies up to me and wingslaps me. "No, you idiot. You have to tell him something you did that's impressive."

"Yeah, she's right little man. This place is too tough for ya."

'Little man', huh? Motherfucker ain't even three feet tall at the withers.

"Well, alright then. I slapped Princess Celestia and told her I'd break her horn off and spear her wings with it, and feed them to her."

"Yeah... so?"

"And then I spat on her."

His jaw hits the fucking ground. This is stupid... I could be lying for all he knows. Hell, not knowing me and my immunity to magic, how can he even believe me?
And even with said immunity, that doesn't sound like something one would live to talk about.
Even Rainbow's jaw is hanging, and her eyes wide open.

I decide to further drive my point home. "And I'm still alive, and roaming free."

He doesn't even answer, staring at me with a strange 'WHAT IN THE FUCKING NAME OF FUCK' kind of expression plastered on his face.

"So? Am I tough enough or what?"

He still hasn't moved or made a sound... Fuck this. I simply walk around him and enter the club, with Rainbow Dash closely following me.

"What the hell was that about? Did you really did that to the princess?"

"I did."

"And what did she do?"

"Nothing. She just said I was right all along."

"Yeah right, you're full of-"

"No, it's true! Listen... Ah, fuck it. It's embarrassing. Look, let's have a few drinks and I'll explain everything, alright?"

"Alright... You're paying so I might just try to behave."

We enter a large room with strobe lights everywhere, a large dancefloor and a bar. I always fucking hated this kind of place on Earth but here, it has a different feel to it. The fact I practically tower over even the tallest ponies probably helps. Back on Earth, by slightly below average stature made me feel kinda lost in the crowd, while here I have that feeling of dominance... So kinky.

I sit at the bar with Dash and the bartender mare looks at me with a 'wow m8 wot da fuk r u' kind of face, which is quickly replaced by something more along the lines of 'we don't take kindly to your type 'round these parts'.
I glare at her menacingly and slam my fist on the counter.

"Two whiskeys."

Dash puts a foreleg around my neck.

O WOW BACK DOWN 2EDGY

"So you really never hated me, huh?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Even after everything I put you through?"

"I didn't go easy on you, either."

"Yeah, I guess..."

The bartender comes back with our drinks and steps away quickly, not wanting to anger me. Good.
Dash takes a sip and speaks loudly.

"So what about you? You're more into mares or stallions? Or both?"

...fuck. EVERY SINGLE PONY within hearing range is looking at me now. Seriously, is she that clueless? I have a hard time believing she been frever alone but that shit? Really?

"Seriously? Can't you shout a little louder?"

LOUDER!

yay.

"Oh, I'm sorry. SO, DO YOU PREFER PENISES OR-"

I quickly clamp her mouth shut and look around, with my usual 'mind your own fucking business or I'll end you' face I spent years mastering.

"What the fuck was that for?"

"What? You're embarrassed? Embarrassed that the sexual preferences of the only human in Equestria might be made public?"

What now?

"No! I'm, uh... hell, is homosexuality common here?"

"I don't know. Yeah, kinda, I guess. Why?"

Figures.

"Well, no. I mean, I'm not into horse cocks. I wouldn't have gone to kill Celestia if I were."

"Explain that shit to me already, what happened?"

"Let me down this motherfucker."

I take the glass and empty it. Damn, that shit is strong. Taste isn't bad, either. Not the finest shit I ever had but it's definitely decent.
The liquor burns my throat as it goes down, and I quickly feel the familiar sensation of warmth settling in in my stomach.
Feels good.

I decide to fuck with the bartender a bit, seeing how everypony is scared of me and all...

"This drink, I like it." I say loudly, before violently slamming the glass on the ground, shattering it. "ANOTHER!"

She quickly gets another glass of whiskey and sets it down in front of me. "I'm sorry, please, don't hurt me! Please!"

Feels.
Good.
MAN.

Rainbow gives me a disapproving look. "What was that for?"

Now that I think of it... "Man, Rainbow, you should totally cosplay as Thor."

"What?"

"Nothing. It was, uh, an old human custom."

"Oh... you guys sure are weird."

"Yeah... So uh..."

Fuck. That shit is way stronger than it seems, and I haven't eaten in nearly ten hours. I'm a dumbass.

"So, care to explain me all that stuff?"

She takes a second sip of her own glass. That crafty little blue cunt. She's gonna drink at a snail's pace all night long, and when I'm passed out like a faggot, she'll pretend she outdrank me. Or not...
Maybe she's just trying to have a good time, and not get completely wasted like my dumb ass is...

"Right. So you see, this morning I..."

I might as well skip the whole Twilight thing.

"I slept in, and I had this dream. I was walking around, and..."

Should I tell her I saved her and she was all over my shit afterwards? Yeah, no. Probably not.
Trixie's vibrator and the niggest mare in town aren't key elements of the story, either.

"And then, Derpy ran into me. Flew, whatever. She gave me an envelope with the royal seal, and..."

I'm a fucktard. No Twilight, no Rainbow flying into me... no 'crime'. Better find a random idea for what that letter could have been about, and better find it fast.

"And there was nothing written on it."

HAHA YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART 10/10 GENIUS
Shut the fuck up, I'd like to see you do any better. Faggot.

"That's... weird?"

"It's a dream, dreams are weird... So anwyay, as I was about to go on about my business, Celestia appeared in front of me and started telling me about stuff. I don't remember what it was exactly, but at some point she said her sister would be delighted to meet me, or something."

Rainbow cocks her head. "Huh?"

"Yeah. And then Luna herself appeared out of nowhere, and started dropping hints as to how she'd like to... well, you know. Along with a few other mares in town, according to her."

She laughs at that, but it sounds forced. "Really?"

"I highly doubt it's for real, but that's what she wanted me to think. When I asked her about it, she made up some bullshit excuse and flew away, and I woke up."

"That's... unusual."

"So I decided to just go to Canterlot and confront her about it, I mean, after all, she was the only 'real' thing in my dream, wasn't she?"

"So you cam all the way here just to ask her to give you the name of mares who, according to her, want you? That's stupid as hell."

I frown. "What's stupid as hell is coming into my dream to tell me mares want me. Beyond sounding less likely than just about everything except you and Gilda being straight, there's just no reason for her to come into someone's dream to say that kind of shit.'

I once again get a faceful of feathers. Wingslap? It's way too soft to hurt anyway.

"Gilda is definitely not straight, but... she never tried to hit on me."

"What were you doing with her anyway? I mean, back at the restaurant?"

"We simply wanted to hang out, haven't been spending time together in a few weeks, you know? Since she was working..."

"Heh... Well anyway, I took the train here and walked to the castle, then realized I was being a dumb shit because it was like, noon, so Luna was sleeping."

Rainobw takes yet another sip and realization seems to strike her.

"Wait! If Luna came into your dream... That means you're not immune to her magic!"

Holy shitballs. That even makes sense.

"Fuck, you're right! I'll go ask her tonight. Uh... I mean, whenever I can... someday."

"Yeah, you're already a bit too hammered to be talking with royalty."

"No, I'm not." I say, downing my second glass. "Not yet, anyway."

She smirks at me and downs the remnants of hers as I wave at the bartender.

"Shit, I'm out! Give me some cover!"

She gives me a quizzical look.

"CHANGIN' MAG!"

She gives me a deeper, more quizzical look.

Rainbow sighs and puts a hoof on my shoulder. "He means, 'give me another whiskey please'."

"Why does she listen to you?"

"Because she actually understands the words I use."

"Whatever."

She's pretty good at understanding my shit, gotta give her that.

"So, tell me? I'm excited, I wanna know what happens next!"

Damn, she's even more lightweight than I thought. Already starting to sweat and be all touchy-feely and shit. Works for me, though.

"I decided to wait until nightfall so I went to Gilda's restaurant, having heard they had meat and all, seeing how I couldn't eat any in a month. Then I met Gilda, we talked for a while andI-"

"When's the part where Soarin' should have raped you?"

...Son of a fucking bitch. I forgot about that. I take a sip of my third glass and sigh.

"Well, you see... I've been feeling really alone since like, forever... Well, about six years or so, and being here didn't really help or anything. Somehow, Celestia knew about it, and she gave me that fucking elixir thing, telling me it should 'help me'. I knew she was a bitch but I didn't think she would go as far as doing... that. So I drank it, figuring, what the hell. The beer Gilda served me was so fucking horrible, I dumped the elixir into it and downed the whole thing in one go. Next thing I knew, she explained me what I had just downed, and Soarin' entered the place. Speaking of it, aren't you a little jealous I almost had sex with him?"

She lets out a small burp and chuckles. "Nah, he's not my type."

"Huh... What's your type?"

"Tsk, finish your story."

Yeah, that's right you blue bitch. Buy me some more time so you're hammered by the time I get to the good shit.

"Alright. So after that little incident, I spent the afternoon walking around, lots of rich ass ponies talking to me and stuff, and as night started to fall I walked back to the castle, and up to the throne room."

She looks unimpressed. "And?"

"And Luna was there, but before I could ask her anything, I said something about the night, and how I used to live at night and sleep during the day back on Earth. That led us to a long conversation about the things of the night, and how lonely she was on the Moon, and how she..."

Shit, the feels are still fresh. Gonna need some more strength for that shit. Bye, third glass...
Refill pls?

"She explained me how horrible it was, and how... lonely she was. And she started to tear up, and looked at me with those big, watery, pleading eyes... And we, sorta... cuddled. Well, she kissed and hugged me, and I returned the hug, I guess."

Thanks fuck I'm not drunk enough to be saying all the truth yet.

Dash looks impressed this time, but confused. "She... kissed you?"

"Yeah, kinda. She just pressed her lips against mine, nothing more."

"That's called a kiss."

"Not without a kissing motion, I mean, neither of us did anything. Like, a lip hug or something."

I'm not too good of a liar but those ponies are gullible as fuck, so...

"Whatever... What next?"

"Celestia entered the room, and it took me that long to realize I should be happy to be there, and not in some alleyway with ten liters of horse cum in my bowels. So I got FUCKING angry, and confronted her about what she had done, and also about how she never gave a shit about Luna when she needed her the most. And then I slapped her, I said I'd break her bones and shit, and I spat on her face. Apparently that somehow shook her, and she realized she had indeed been acting like a bitch. So she hugged her sister and apologized, saying I was 'right'. Hence what I told the bouncer pone."

"Wow... Damn! Bartender, another please!"

Now she's talking my language. Both of us slowly sipping on our fourth and second glass, respectively, we stare into each other's eyes.
Holy shit I need to kiss her. I need to give her a brutal, sloppy, wet whiskey kiss right now, while running my hands through her mane and pressing my body against hers. I need to feel her soft coat as my tongue brushes against her earlobes, all the way down to her neck while gently rubbing her flanks.
I need to-

"Hey, I love this song! Let's go dance!"

Okay now I remember why I hated her, along with other sporty bitches. CAN'T FUCKING STAY PUT AND MAKE OUT SENSUALLY. ALWAYS GOTTA FUCKING MOVE, GO OUT AND DO SHIT. GODDAMN.

I reluctantly get up, not even bothering to tell her I can't dance worth shit (though it should be pretty damn obvious), and start randomly moving along with the music. I'm horrible at it but she isn't faring much better, and frankly neither of us could care less.
The music is uninteresting, some kind of pop-rock with cheesy vocals and no guitar, bland as hell.
But then, how the hell would ponies play guitar? I can't imagine the most talented pony rivaling the worst human guitarist with either hooves or magic.

After a few minutes, I'm sweating and the heat starts to make me feel lightheaded. I walk back to the bar and finish my glass. Leaning back, I nearly fall off the damn stool like the drunk faggot I am, and realize there's no cyan dyke nearby.
I quickly look behind, and... fuck.
She's being assaulted by a group of colts.

I leap from the stool and rush to her side.

"STAY AWAY FROM HER YOU LITTLE SHITS!"

They scatter and that's when I realize... You don't smile and hand out papers to someone who's assaulting you.

"What's wrong with you, dude?" Rainbow says angrily.

"I... What?"

"They're kids! Friends of Scootaloo's, asked me for an autograph!"

"Uh... I'm sorry?"

I'm sorry? What?
Man, alcohol is turning me into a pussy.

An annoyed look on her face, she waves at the little colts and walk back to the bar with me. "What was that all about?"

"I told you my bad, alright? I just thought you were, uh... in trouble."

She downs her glass, and looks at me solemnly. "You would have protected me?"

"Uh..."

No, don't say yes. Don't say yes. BE A TSUNDERE FAGGOT AND DON'T SAY YES.

"Yes."

"Wow... really? That's like, the first time I see somepo-... someone, who'd stand up for me. But that's because you don't know me enough to know that whenever I get in trouble, it's usually my fault..."

"I don't care, I'd have bashed their fucking heads in all the same."

What was that, brain?
You're going AWOL and I'm on my own? Well, fuck you too.

"But why? You hated me a few hours ago."

"It's... uh, it's not the same."

"Not the same?"

"LOOK I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ALRIGHT? I'm tired... I'm drunk. Let's go home."

"Whatever you say... But I don't think I'm fit for flying back to Cloudsdale right now."

"Then go sleep on a cloud or something, like you always do?"

"Whatever..." she looks away, a sad expression on her face.

"I'm going home."

I wave at the bartender. "How much do I owe you?" I ask, starting to rummage through my pockets.

"Uh it's uh... fifty bits."

"FIFTY? Fuck damn!"

She starts to panic. "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I MEANT, IT'S FREE! TOTALLY FREE, ZERO BITS! PLEASE KEEP THE BOTTLE TOO!"

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do more or I'll get fired! Please, just take the bottle and leave! Please!"

Okay now I may be drunk but I never saw any pony being THAT scared of me, especially not without a reason. I smashed my glass, yeah, so what? Damn.

"Well, thanks I guess... Uh I mean, yeah that's right you bitch. Give me thy bottle or I shall use my ancient human magic and inflict curses upon thee."

I grab the bottle from her shaking hooves as she shrinks below the counter, and I walk out with Dash following me. The doorpony is still here, blankly staring at seemingly nothing, his jaw still wide open. There's a good dozen of insects stuck in his eyes. Oh well.

"That bartender girl was weird."

"You were checking her out?" she asks, sounding a little angry.

"What? Hell no! I mean, she was scared of me. Like, scared to death."

"Well you're all big and aggressive and all."

...is that really how she sees me?
But then, isn't that how I tend to behave? Being loud, heavy, aggressive and unnecessarily vulgar all around? Guess I can't hide who I truly am, after all.

---

A/N: References to uh... a fuckton of things. More to come.