A/N: writing this one gave me more feels than I felt in a long time. Hopefully it's the same for you. Or not.

---

As I walk out of the wooden 'building', she gets up and speaks again, walking up to me.

"Hey look, I'm not doing anything today... You wanna hang out?"

"Uh? Yeah, maybe, I mean, sure... I have to do something tonight but until then, I have nothing special planned."

"Cool! Man, I gotta introduce you to my friend Rainbow Dash, boy she would LOVE you."

...
NOPE.
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE . GIF . FLV . MP4 . WAV . WHATEVER

"Uh yeah no. I really don't think she would."

"Why not? You don't even know-"

"Listen, no, alright? She would NOT. Believe that."

Boy, I wish she would. ALRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
...Well, guess it's pointless to hide it anymore. I need to have sex with Rainbow Dash, that's what the fuck is wrong with me. Such hardcore sexual tension won't solve itself or eventually go away, it's been a month.

So, Gilda is giving me a potential shot at it.
The chances it fails are so fucking high, it's not even worth trying. I mean, we randomly get together with Gilda, we hate each other... What are the odds we two could end up... fucking?
Closer to zero than any non-zero value has even been in the history of science and mathematics and mankind and all the fucking dimensions and multiverses and shit, that's what the odds are.

Rape isn't an option. Angry sex isn't rape.
I think. Like I'd know jack shit about sex beyond porn. I may not be a virgin but goddamn, I'm trying.
Anyway, how the hell does one fuck a three feet tall pegasus? Or a quadruped? Or anything, really? One month without porn, I'm not sure I even remember.

"Alright listen, you don't want, it's fine, I'm not gonna push it. I think it's better if we both go our separate ways right now." she says, looking somewhat sad.

"Yeah."

"See you around, maybe..."

"Yeah, maybe."

Maybe I blew my only chance at... something. Maybe I just saved myself from a LOT of trouble and pain. I'll never know for sure, and it's probably better this way.

I keep walking around, sometimes making small talk with random upper class faggots asking me shit about my species. Or more like, they try to seize me up in their telekinetic grasps, and when they realize that it doesn't work, and that

I'm not actually hostile, it goes from 'OMG STAY BACK PLS' to 'I wanna study the shit out of you, your species, your history, and make a fuckton of bits off it while I give you one percent and pretend I take care of endangered species'.
Though, one percent of whatever those kind of 'people' earn... It would still be quite a lot of bits.

It makes me like, 'man, these things ain't never gonna stop'. And also a bit like, 'damn man, these idiots just don't give up'.
I had that problem with Twilight Sparkle. Purple bitch would have kept my ass locked in her basement for three days.

And actually she did. The only thing is, well, within ten minutes I broke free from her large pony-sized makeshift 'cuffs' and I kicked the door off its hinges, ranting about how motherfuckers would always try to keep a player down.

I walked up to her bedroom, pissed as fuck, with a large wrench in hand, and knocked her the fuck out before running off and barricading myself into my home. Celestia didn't really appreciate my assault, but she didn't appreciate her student's behavior, either.
Mere days after having had her title removed, she got into some more trouble... Back then, I hoped she had burn heal.

Speaking of burn... Holy shit, I can't believe nopony has ever thought about it. I mean, she lives in a tree full of books.
And she uses candles. There must be some voodoo shit going on in there to prevent it from burning down.

Maybe one day I'll consider that... Heh, I could tell Trixie about it. Damn I'm a genius.

Shit, time flies when you imagine pleasant shit. It's like 7:30 PM, and the night has already fallen. Means, Luna must be up. She'll be ready for business, soon. I wonder what's her deal, though... She basically gave me a dream about sex and mares wanting me, while herself implying in every possible way that she wants the D.
From me.

Stallions can't quite compete with the might of the human D.
For a thousand years, she's waited here for me. Waited every night, for she thought I were the answer to her LIIIIIIFE.
And what if I were?

There HAD to be some kind of purpose as to why the fuck I got here in the first place. I was one in over seven billions. Why me? I refuse to believe it could have been randomness. Randomness is luck, and luck always brings me dire shit.

This isn't anywhere near dire enough to justify having only a 0.0000000143% chance or so to happen, and happening to me.
So maybe I am burdened with glorious purpose?

Am I the one? Man this is getting all Matrix and shit.

But nonetheless, with newfound hope and renewed spirits, I increase my pace and soon arrive at the castle. Hm, same guards from earlier? Weird...
I wave my hand at them and before I can say anything, they start talking to it.

Dumb shits.
But at least that made me chuckle. I keep going, making sure to scream 'CHARGER! SHOOT!' as I pass the hallway with the broken window and fissured walls. Once again, I arrive in the throne room, but this time it's empty.
I stand there and look around.

"HOLLER BACK AT ME, FOLKS!"

Nothing... Damn man, where all the ponies at? 'THE FUCK THEY AT? DAMN.
Oh.
Right. I might have forgotten about that... Now that I'm alone without even walking to keep me occupied, I can analyze one fact.
The fact Celestia basically tried to get me gangraped by dozens of stallions in public. Holy shit I'm gonna have to tell Luna about that, and pray that they're not all corrupt shiteaters like on Earth.
Man, that would suck some outrageous dick.

Eventually, Luna enters the room and smiles at me, probably expecting me or something.

"Good evening, human. Have thou slept well?"

"Uh, yeah, kinda. What about you?"

"We did sleep well, we thank thee for thy concern."

Man, this pony is weird. The way she's talking it's just... I don't know, it sounds like EVERYTHING is formal as hell for her.
Time to try and loosen her up (NO, still not in that way) with some small talk.

"You know, back home, I used to sleep through the day and live at night, too... I just couldn't sleep at night, it simply didn't work for me. I don't know why, I never quite understood..."

"Hm, we believe thou may have a special connection to the things of the night."

"You know Princess, where I come from, magic and all that stuff doesn't exist."

"The night remains the night, human. Whether we shape it, or it occurs naturally, it has no incidence on the fact that it's a beautiful sight, and the most spiritual period of the day."

Yeah well, night is a part of a day. That sounds retarded but it's true.
Hell, it's even part of TWO days. Holy shit that sounds even worse now.

"Yeah I guess... Night feels peaceful. Like, I could go for walks, or just sit in the cold empty streets and enjoy solitude. Solitude, rather than painful, near forced loneliness..."

"We sure know what thou are talking about. We spent a millennium on the Moon, we had our fair share of lonely nights, spent staring at nothing, our eyes lost in the cold nothingness, the endless void, the vacuum of space surrounding us... We did not even have oxygen or food. It felt strange to eat and breathe when we returned..."

I stand there, staring at her and feeling a tug in the pit of my stomach. Now that I really think of it, what the fuck does one do on the Moon, other than waiting? Holy shit, Celestia's a monster.
Luna's ranting is reaching out to me, and it's critical hit'ing my heart and soul.

"When we were first banished, we were young, only a few centuries old. We felt as though our entire life was over. Replaced by a new... something, that was nothing anypony could possibly call 'life'. Then we eventually got used to it.

We used countless spells to keep us entertained, or keep us sleeping so that time would go by faster. We had no idea that one day, we would be able to return. Eventually, as grief and sadness piled up into our heart, we became attracted to the darker kinds of magic. We had our royal garments, and each alicorn has to carry at all times a few scrolls, so that they can never end up in the wrong hooves. On those scrolls are written ancient, extremely powerful spells that only the mightiest mages could ever have used to good effect. We tried to make them work. They did work, to some extent... But not really to good effect. The next thing we knew, we were weeping on the ground of a rundown castle in the middle of the Everfree forest, with our sister claiming she had forgiven us."

Holy fuck, I need to fight those tears. I haven't cried in like, what? Six years?
Now's not the time. I gotta be strong. But that stupid dark blue bitch... No, she can't be...
Like hell she can't, she IS crying. Damn it.

I walk up to her and reach a hand to pet her.

"I was gonna say, 'I know what you went through' but no, I went through something much, much easier to handle, and for a fraction of the time you had to endure this shit. I'm sorry Luna, I never thought you could have been holding so much... grief. You're kinda like me, to a much greater extent I guess. Maybe that's why we are creatures of the night. Deep inside, we hold... things. Things that require us to spend more time alone, either by choice or by need... Or by lack of other possibilities... Maybe this, is why the night is soothing to us."

She looks into my eyes and fuck me this is the most beautiful yet most heart wrenching sight I have ever witnessed. Her large turquoise eyes are literally shining, large orbs of blue wonder with rapidly forming pools of tears below them. Her gaze holds an insane cocktail of emotions, and her pleading look is literally tearing my fucking heart apart. Right now, there is nothing I would want more than cuddling with her until we both pass out.

She needs attention. She needs love. She needs everything I need, and everything I can give her. And vice-versa, hopefully.

"Listen Princess, I'm really sorry, I didn't want to, uh... bring up some bad memories or anything, I just wanted to-"

I shut my mouth as a pair of moist, dark blue lips are slowly pressed against it. Her eyes are closed, and a few tears are lingering below the closed eyelids. Small orbs of salty grief, glistening under the Moonlight shining through the stained glass.
It looks like stars. It looks like giant balls of plasma burning with all their might. It looks like they have a long and painful tale to tell.

Lost in her teary, closed eyes, I dread to imagine what it would be like if they were open. I have to fight my own tears, and not break down right now, in the damn throne room, lip locked with the Princess of the Night.

I am not returning the kiss, for she is not kissing me. She is simply pressing her lips against my own, making no attempt to initiate a kissing motion or anything. I slowly reach my hand to her face and cup her cheek. She opens her eyes slowly, still gleaming as beautifully as ever.
I'll never quite understand how one single thing can be so beautiful, so cute and so fucking sad at the same time.

A very slim film of salty, liquid emotion covers her magnificent irises, and it shines so brightly, it would almost make me wince if the room were darker.
I'm pretty sure there's a lot to be read in my own eyes, as well. I slowly and gently apply more pressure against her lips, eventually slightly puckering mine and giving her a short kiss.

Sensual, yet chaste. Soft, yet powerful.
And slightly wet.

Neither of us need to say anything as she leans in for a hug, which I gladly return, running a hand through her beautiful ethereal mane. I have no idea how that flowing thing works but it's absolutely divine to the eye, and even more heavenly to the touch.

It's like all the Gods and Goddesses who ever existed across all the dimensions came together and decided to make a beautiful, life-life painting mix of the most gorgeous night skies, more intense and vivid than anything any living being has ever laid eyes upon. Then they would have somehow harnessed that magical, ethereal beauty and conveyed it into a concentrated, flowing strand of the softest matter they could find.
Then Princess Luna was born, and they decided that upon her return and the defeat of Nightmare Moon, that single most beautiful piece of heaven handcrafted by the fucking Gods themselves, was to be her mane and tail.

Thus, what I'm currently stroking with affection and deep meaning was born. That probably doesn't mean any sense but shit, I'm living an intense moment, and it makes me want to be romantic, which in turn makes me want to try and be a poet.
I don't feel as gay as I would if I hadn't just kissed a princess, but still.

Suddenly, a door slams open.

SUNRISE, MOTHERFUCKER

A larger alicorn with a much less magnificent mane enters, and starts PMS'ing all over the damn place.

"Oh my, sister, what did he do to you? What did he-"

Before I can open my mouth and tell her to fucking shut hers at once, my newfound blue 'friend' answers her.

"He did to me what I have been needing for hundreds of years. What nopony had ever done to me."

Holy fuck, it must be serious if she drops the royal we.

"We are so terribly sorry we have messed with thy mind in thy dream, earlier. We needed to give thee a hint, for thou were the only one who could understand us."

"It's alright, Princess. I'm here, things are gonna be alright."

"Well, maybe not for everypony..."

Oh, you. You fat, fucking useless white ass piece of royal shit. I'm gonna destroy that whore. Not giving a shit about her sister, and trying to get me gangraped?

ONCE AGAIN, still better than what you'd find back on Earth, but damn.
I turn around and start maching forward. I come to a halt and grab the empty bottle from my pocket, before flinging it at her face.

She, obviously, grabs it in her magical shit, and throws it aside.
Fucking overpowered noob shit, nerf next patch pls

She advances on me and smiles. It seems to feel unnatural for her to have to look UP when conversing with a living being.

Man, she's five foot three. YEAH BUT THAT FOOL'S STRONG

I always feel a little uneasy around her horn. It's like a fucking sword, and our respective heights would make it perfect for her to literally impale me below the chin and out through the top of my head without having to adjust her posture.
It's not that sharp or pointy, but still. I would hate to have her fly-tackling me with that huge thing.
It doesn't help that it's nearly two feet long, and radiating with the most powerful magic to civilization. Discord is much less intimidating than this shit, despite being far more powerful. I think.
I have no idea whether most of the crappy headcanons I used to come up with are true or not. Those that I verified, though, were pretty accurate, oddly enough.

One wouldn't go as far as saying I was right all along, but well. I'm not that bad at imaginating stuff.

...Really? 'not that bad at imagining stuff'? That's like... That's horrible. The worst thing I said in ages.
I need to stop talking, or even thinking. I need to hook Celestia in the gabber, piss on her corpse and go have sexy times with her sister. Or something.

"I suppose that you did not drink that elixir, now did you?"

Yeah that was no error, that was precisely what she was trying to do.

"As a matter of fact, I did."

Her eyes widen in surprise.

"That's right, cunt. Meet the only living being immune to magic, and potions, elixirs and shit. I'm not sure it was such a smart move to piss off such a being, especially considering he's much taller, bulkier, and apparently smarter. And fucking pissed."

She chuckles. "Are you trying to threaten me?"

"Nah, I'm just warning you, you're fucking with the wrong species here. You need to stop with that shit, and stop right now, or else there's gonna be some biblical shit happening to your ass. Now I'm not a violent man, but I don't like being fucked with. Being given a potion supposed to get me filled with ten miles of horse cock does fit under the category 'being fucked with', even if it didn't happen. Hell, humans in general are notorious for having very little tolerance to being fucked with. As a matter of fact, a vast majority of the human population would have killed for much, MUCH less than what you did. In fact, for what you did, many would have tortured in ways your mind cannot even begin to fathom, before dragging it out in a long and painful agony, all the while giving their victim medication to make sure they stay conscious, and alive for as long as possible. And here I am, just telling you not to fuck with me anymore. I'm pretty cool for a human, wouldn't you say?"

"I think you're completely out of your mind."

"Funny, that was exactly what I thought when I first met you."

"Alright now listen, I will only tolerate your insolence for so long. From now on, you-"

"SISTER! Thou have done enough. Thou have attempted to have him raped and humiliated in public, and thou have neglected us, although it may not have been on purpose. We think thou should just leave. We do not wish to fight, be it physically or verbally."

"I don't want to fight either, Luna. I just want that fat monkey to stop-"

DAAAAAYYYYYUUUM.
She did NOT see that one coming. And neither did I, in fact. I didn't know I had such... swiftness in me.
I just fucking backhanded that bitch. My hand hurts now, but I'll be damned if her nose isn't pissing blood, ruining her white coat. I'm probably the first living being able to physically hurt her since Chrysalis...
Damn, feels good man. Get on my level, faggots. Heh.
If it bleeds, I can kill it.

I can also look at her, sigh and go more in-depth about why I just did that.

"Look, I don't want to fight any more than you do, but I don't take it kindly to being ignored, fucked with AND insulted by the same pers-, pony, all within a few hours. I know you could get me killed if you wanted, while you're damn nigh immortal, if not literally immortal, but you need to realize that being the princess and moving the Sun doesn't mean you can do anything you want with complete disregard for everything that you wish to disregard. You should be happy that the elixir didn't work, because believe me, if I had gotten raped? I swear you'd be looking like a fucking communist, instead of having a few droplets of blood on your chin. Regardless of what kind of shit you'd have done to me afterwards, I would have fucking ruined you. I'm talking bare-handed bone breaking and limb severing. I'd have fucking speared your wings with your own horn, marshmallow-roasted them and made you eat them. I would have massacred you. I'D HAVE FUCKED YOU UP!"

I spit in her face, showing that bitch who's the man.
Bitches love men.

Wait. Oh boy, here we go again, I'm back to not making any goddamn sense. Hopefully everyone is used to it by now.

Maybe I went a little over the top with the shit I'd have HYPOTHETICALLY done to her, while in practice I'd have gotten knocked out or killed before I could get in a second punch, but damn.
Rape jokes are funny and all, but that all stops when it's about you taking several horse cocks at once.
You don't fuck with a man's booty. A man's butt.

The booty is mine. It belongs to me.
They cannot take my booty.

Both alicorn sisters are still looking at me, one with shining, damp eyes and the other with... hell, what's that in her eyes?
It's not fear, sadly. Not anger or hate, either, thankfully. It's...

Realization?
Did she really need a good ol' bitchslap to come to her senses? Before I can ponder over this any longer, she pushes me aside and trots to Luna's side, before tearing up.

"Sister, I am so sorry! All these years, all this time you needed me, you were in need of love and attention, and I just... I just couldn't see it! I had to banish you and I went a millennium without you, and... And I got used to it! I got used to having a large gap in my life, and in my heart! And I compensated for it, and when you came back... I had forgotten how things were before. I have been so selfish and... cruel. The human is right, I don't deserve being the ruler of Equestria. Or the co-ruler. I'm no better than King Sombra. I'm sorry little sister... I'm sorry... I love you, you know I always did."

Shit.
Regardless of the amount of FEELS my heart is trying to compute at once, I can't help but d'awww at the two sisters hugging each other while a literal river of tears cascade to the ground, smearing the marble floor in salty relief.

...Holy shit that came out wrong too.

I stand there for a while, wondering what's gonna happen to my ass now. As if to answer me, both princesses walk up to me and give me two warm, heartfelt smiles.

I don't smile. I never smile, lest I start looking like an autistic rapist with down syndrome and facial paralysis. But deep inside, every fiber of me is sporting a serious banana.
NO, STILL NOT LIKE THAT YOU GODDAMNED FUCKING PERVERTED MOTHERFUCKERS

I hug them both, because what the hell. I'm entangled in a group hug. That's as close as I'll ever get to a threesome with royalty, but that's still better than what most will ever get, right?
Holy shit I really, DIRELY need to get laid. Thinking about sex all the damn time isn't only unhealthy and annoying, it's also starting to become a serious handicap.

After a while they both pull away.

"We need to thank thee, human. Thou allowed our sister to remember times even we could not. Thou have showed us what caring truly means. For this, our sister and we are eternally grateful to thee. Thou may request of us to execute thy bidding for tonight. We think every one of us has earned the right to skip out on our duties until tomorrow."

For once, I manage not to catch on the possible sexual innuendo, and start thinking about things I really need, and that they could maybe do for me.
Well, it's sad, really. I went through all that, I was supposed to have learned something about friendship and stuff, or at least a life lesson, no?
But despite by endless claims of being unhappy, bored, and life being meaningless and shit, not to mention all that tantrum I throw when I'm having my fits of being a little emo bitch, there's really one thing I can think of at the moment.

"I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash."

---

A/N: Okay now, I'm gonna get flamed so much for that very last line, but I had just had to do it. I just had to, I'm sorry. Terribly sorry.
(just kidding, I don't give a fuck)

And I don't know if you can actually break an equine's 'nose', probably not but once again, my give-a-fuck-o-meter says exactly this: zero fucks.