Anyway, back to my fat ass stuck in the city of lights and shit. I have no idea what would be the Earth equivalent of Canterlot... Paris, maybe. Everything is old as fuck.
There are less niggers here, though. Funnily enough, I'm here to see one. A royal one.

As I approach the castle, two guards attempt to stop me. I brandish my arm and wave my hand at them.

"Talk to the hand."

I guess they must be new here, as Celestia set up that little 'gesture' as a secret password for me when I needed to see her. Which I never did, until now. And it's still not her that I need to see.
Both guards try and attack me with their spears, but I close the doors behind me before they can strike.

Probably they're gonna get in trouble, for not recognizing my 'code', and for failing to neutralize what they did NOT confirm as non-hostile. And for failing to even raise their weapons after I was way past them, all of it in about twenty seconds.

That's some top notch royal guard they have in here... It's REALLY more peaceful than on Earth because that place wouldn't have lasted a week back there.
Seriously, that feel when you're in the personal, royal guard of the most powerful entity in an entire world, and you can't get your weapon ready or assess a threat in TWENTY SECONDS. Their moms must be so proud.

I start walking deeper into the castle, humming a random tune as I stroll through the giant hallways.

"...SKIN GREASY AND NAKED, TONGUING HER ROTTEN ANUS"

A bunch of guards notice me and their facial expressions go full retard as I continue.

"I NEED A LIVE WOMAN TO FILL WITH MY FLUID, A DELICATE GIRL TO MUTILATE, FUCK AND KILL"

My 'singing' is replaced by laughing as I start avoiding the Earth pony guards rushing me. They're pretty damn fast, but they can't steer worth shit, so they just end up leaving large fissures into the walls.
One of them even crashed through a giant stained glass window. If anything, they make me like, "SHOOT THE CHARGER!".

Closing the double doors at the end of this particular hallway, I sigh and keep walking, eventually arriving in the throne room. I would have expected it to be on a much higher floor... But maybe the floor is enchanted so that it looks like a flat, endless hallway but it's in fact a long ass set of stairs? That would explain why those hallways are devoid of any feature besides those large stained glasses. I don't know.
I don't give a shit. I never bothered with formalities or anything, and I ain't gonna start now.

"Princess, I need to see your sister."

I'm panting, for some reason. Most likely because I'm a fat fuck.
Yeah, that enchanted stairs theory would make sense.

"Oh, hello. Well, it's early afternoon, Princess Luna is sleeping."

...I just went full retard myself. How the hell could I have forgotten that?
She wasn't asleep an hour ago though... Crafty CUNT.

But then, I used to be awake all night long and sleep during the day.
Somehow, being in Equestria allowed me to sleep at night. I'm not used to it, and I keep assuming it's night whenever I'm awake and about.

"My sister will be up at nightfall. Come back in the late evening if you wish to see her."

"I'll be back."

Wow, score. First time I actually manage to use this one.

"In the meantime, feel free to go for a walk around the city, there are many things worth seeing."

"Uh, I guess." I answer, reluctantly. There are way too many ponies around for my liking, this city is too damn crowded.

"Oh, I almost forgot. I had something for you."

I do NOT like where this is going. Maybe it's the memories of my dream... After all, according to Luna, Celestia should be doing the same thing she did in my dream.
She gives me a small bottle of something. I eye it curiously, but it doesn't seem harmful.

"What's that?" I ask, feeling a bit uneasy, what if she decides to poison my ass instead? After all, I didn't save Rainbow in that reality, so I didn't 'redeem' myself and I don't have my points and shit, and I'm good for jail...

"It's a powerful elixir, following a very ancient, strict recipe."

"Like the stuff Zecora has?"

"Somewhat. It's extremely powerful, and should help you with your... loneliness, if you know what I mean."

Love potion? Oh hell yes, please.
I stuff it in my pocket as Celestia goes in-depth into shit that, for once, I actually care about.

"You must down the entire bottle in one go, and for roughly twenty-four hours, you will be absolutely irresistible to a certain... type of ponies."

"What type?"

"Does it really matter?"

Yeah, not having gotten anything in years does make a man far less picky than he should be. Especially when it comes interspecies with fictional, magical horses.

"Meh, I guess not. Say, Princess, do you remember that criminal record thing you told me about when I first arrived?"

"You have another forty-three points to go before I have to start worrying about you. Try to tone it down a notch though, especially with your obnoxious attitude in awkward social situations... You could get away with it here, but

Ponyville ponies aren't used to that. Your little stunt with Trixie this morning didn't go unnoticed. I will not hold it against you though, for it allowed me to retrive Trixie's possession."

"Oh, that's cool. Thanks... Wait, Trixie's possession?"

"Yes. You took something from her, and left it at Twilight's, who was kind enough to return it to me."

"Okay so uh, basically, you're saying that you're thanking me for having unknowingly bribed you by indirectly getting you a stolen sextoy?"

"More or less."

Probably more than less. I love how she's not blushing or anything, as if it were normal, everyday shit for her.
And it probably is.

"Yeah well, whatever. Bye, Princess."

"Good bye."

God, what a stuck-up cunt. I'm starting to REALLY hate her. Still, I managed to resist the urge of offering her to be her personal sextoy. I hate her, but hot steamy angry sex is best sex.
Or among the best. Not that I would know either way.

So, I have another good ten hours to spend here... It's gonna be SO boring. Literally every single pony is a snob ass unicorn... There's like one or two pegasi flying around, and apart from the royal guards who charged my ass in the hallways, I haven't seen a single Earth pony since I got off the train.

Heh, 'a certain type of pony', it's gonna be working on Earth ponies only I'm sure.
Crafty. Little. BITCH.

What she doesn't know is, I'm smarter than her. I'm the real deal. Oh yeah... a genius.
So I'm gonna take it when I'm back to Ponyville. Eat your heart out, white bitch.

I decide to try and find that griffon place and get myself a nice piece of meat.
No, still not that kind of meat you tremendous FAGGOTS.

Walking around for a bit, I quickly find the place, and rather easily.
I take a quick glance at the name... 'The Golden Hawks'.

Heh. Twilight should come here.
HA, HA. I MAKE FUNNY JOKE. HUEHUE.

I receive a few weird looks as I enter, but I'm used to it. It was mostly the same on Earth, anyway, so it makes me like, 'yeah yeah, go get that shit, nigga. BIG SMOKE, MOTHERFUCKER! Remember the name!'.

I sit down at some table in a corner, far from the main 'action', and read the menu. For some reason, I can't shake off thoughts of Rainbow Dash.
I can't help but feel that I shouldn't have behaved like such a dickhole with her. No, I can't be a sappy faggot right now, I have a mission. Munching on a large piece of MEAT.
...I disembowel the first one who says anything.

Good.
Well, not so good actually. Only lame shit from non-talking animals. Rabbits, ducks... Meh.
Wait, rabbits? FUCK YES PLEASE.
I'm gonna imagine it's Angel. This is gonna be the best meal ever.

A waitress comes to take my order, but she stops dead in her tracks when she sees what I am. I never saw griffons 'in real life' but they don't look too weird.
They're slightly bigger than most ponies, about the size of a bulky stallion, but their wingspan is impressive. Even with folded wings, the feathery appendages look gracious and powerful.
Other than that, I wouldn't really get it on with a griffon. Not to mention, those talons are sharp as fuck, and that beak... Yeah, better not think about what it could do.

"What... What are you?"

Ohboyherewego . gif

"A human. Mythical creature, from another dimension. Found myself here a month ago, still trying to get by."

After 'recovering', she actually laughs at that.

"Heh, and you think it's gonna be easier among griffons?"

Smiling at her, I answer. "Well, everything can be made easier with a nice, juicy steak, right?"

Ignoring my innuendos, probably because she, unlike me, gets enough action not to think about sex every single second of her life, she winks at me.

"Now I like you, buddy. Alright so, what can I get you?"

"Lemme get a number six with extra dip."

"Excuse me? What was that?"

"Uh, nothing. That uh, rabbit thing. With a lot of mustard."

"Coming right up. Want a drink? It's on the house."

"Uh sure, I'll have, uh... Do you know what beer is?"

She gives me a 'holy shit this nigga srs' look.

"Do you think I'm some kind of retard or something?"

"No, no! You see, where I come from, there are a LOT of alcoholic beverages. I'm talking in the thousands of different kinds. Many of them have proofings as high as a hundred, or even higher. I didn't know if beer existed here in Equestria."

She stands there, looking at me, somewhat interested in what I just said, but she seems to be still processing the 'hundred plus proof' thing.

"Alright. So, a beer?"

"Yeah, please."

"What's your name, buddy?"

"My friends call me Nosfrat."

"Finally someone with a decent name, unlike those ponies..."

"I know, right?"

"My name's Gilda, by the way."

What.
OKAY OKAY LET'S CALM THE FUCK DOWN I CAN DO THIS. I can shut the fuck up and ignore that.
I can have a nice meal and enjoy life, instead of going apeshit and having to start explaining how in my world, she's a huge cunt from a fictional, animated cartoon aimed at six year old girls.
I can totally do this. In fact, I'm gonna do it right now.
You just watch.

"N-nice name.", I manage to sputter like an idiot. Well, still not too bad.

"Thanks." she says, walking away as I start hyperventilating like a faggot.

I have no idea what's happening right now. Why am I feeling like I just got hit by a train?
Am I ashamed of not having recongized her? As unreal as those pastel creatures look, they're still pretty different un real life. After all, all griffons look more or less the same, unlike ponies who have different colors, mane and tail styles and cutie marks. I never really liked Gilda all that much, but according to some of the shit Rainbow Dash would periodically rant about, she probably did some kinky shit with her.
That very thoughts makes me feel strange. Like I should terminate her right now. And also like I should man the fuck up.
Weird...

Okay fuck that thought, gotta try and focus on different things... Oh yeah. She made Fluttershy cry.
That alones makes me want to pluck her feathers one by one, wipe my shithole with them, and then stick them back. With glue.
And have her fly over a bunch of snob bastards while being forced to sing some Justin Bieber.
Yeah, I like that particular thought.

I daydream for a bit, imagining the scene in my head... Brilliant. Just brilliant, it contains everything, from physical to psychological torture, and even utility.
Heh.
It's raining shit. HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAINING SHIT!

...Chocolate rain!

"DISCORD, WHATEVER DID WE DO TO MAKE YOU TAKE OUR WORLD AWAAAAAAAY?"

"Woah, you okay there buddy?"

"What the fuck? Wow, wait, was I, uh... was I singing out loud?"

"That's an understatement."

"Shit. Damn, I'm uh... I'm low on blood sugar. I think. Vitamins, stuff, you know? I feel strange, I'm sorry, I'm hungry."

"You 'human' things sure are weird."

...SAYS THE HALF-LION HALF-EAGLE TALKING MIDGET BUTCH LESBIAN FROM A PASTEL MAGICAL FICTIONAL CARTOON DIMENSION

"Yeah, I know."

Grabbing a hold of my beer, I take a sip, and JESUS ASSSNIFFING FUCKCHRIST WITH A FURRY MIDGET FETISH this is the worst beer I EVER drank.

Taking the small bottle of potion from my pocket, I look at it. Meh.
Might as well.

I start emptying into my beer, when Gilda's eyes go wide.

"WOW, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MAN?"

"What?"

"That... thing! You're gonna drink that?"

Being the oblivious moron that I am, I shoot her a defying glance. "Watch me."

I down the whole thing in one go, while her eyes get wider with every drop I swallow.

...That sounded so wrong.

"But you... you... you're like that?"

I look at her as if she had just told me she wanted to be pegging my ass with her beak or something.

"Like what?"

"You... Wow, I would never have guessed... Damn, wow..."

"Can you fucking tell me what's going on already?"

"You do know what is it, that you just gulped down, right?"

"Yeah, some kind of love elixir or something, I'm not really sure but eh, as long as it works..."

"I wouldn't go as far as talking about love, but it does work alright... I saw stallions getting it on in the middle of the streets in full daylight, at the sight of that bottle."

"Stallions?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, stallions... Wait, you mean, you don't know?"

She looks at me as though she was gonna start crying, but instead she bursts out laughing. I manage to keep a pretty decent poker face, but then I genuinely have no idea what the fuck it is that I just drank.

After she regains her composure, she wipes her tears and speaks, struggling to control her giggling.

"Well, it's a very powerful male pheromone cocktail, that just happens to have an extremely fast and potent effect on other males, while having no effect whatsoever on females."

My face drops, and my jaw hits the table.

"If that wasn't what you wanted, well, I'd strongly recommend you get home right now and barricade yourself, preferably in the basement if you have one, or else you're gonna be walking funny... That's assuming you can walk at all."

Holy fuck that sounds bad. I need to fuck off. RIGHT NOW.

As if on cue, a stallion enters the restaurant. A high standing stallion, of course. Random ponies wave at him, and sure enough he makes his way towards the back, where I decided to eat.

Waving at Gilda, the light blue Wonderbolt takes a seat nearby. However, he doesn't even seem to notice me.
Maybe I'll be alright? Maybe... I don't know, I can only hope.
May the Lord guide my damned soul through these dark times of trial in this unholy, fallen word, and may His spirit guide me to-

I'm stirred out of my internal hypocritical monologue by Soarin'.

"Hey there, man? I ain't never seen nothing like you around, what are you?"

I sigh, as I always do when having to go through this shit AGAIN. Seriously, it's been like fucking five hundred times. I can't blame them, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. There are no TVs so I can't even ask Celestia to broadcast a 'shut the fuck up, this is a human, quit asking thanks' kind of message for me.

"I'm a human. I come from another dimension. As far as I know, I'm the first and only one of my kind in all of Equestria."

"Woah, man, that's amazing! How does it feel?"

"What? To be the only human?"

"No, to be in a different dimension! It must be weird, ain't it?"

"Well... When you come from a world where ponies are easily six feet tall, are not sentient, cannot use magic, which doesn't exist in said world, cannot talk, griffons are mythological creatures, pegasi and unicorns too, and you're in the situation I am right now... Yeah. Weird would definitely not be an overstatement."

"Woah man, damn!"

"I know."

"Well I'm sorry if I bothered you. Oh, by the way..."

He closes in on me. Aw hell, I don't like that. AT ALL.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY
BACK OFF YOU NASTY SQUAG

What?
Now he's sniffing my arm?
What kind of weird ass fetish is this again?

He withdraws his snout, looking confused. "You... smell weird. I've smelled that before, I don't quite remember but... It's somewhat different on you. I don't know. I'm Soarin', man. I'm really Soarin'."

He chuckles at his 'joke' and I imagine some REALLY bad sitcom laugh track playing. Seriously that was like, the worst pun I heard in months. And I've been living an entire one in Equestria. Since everyone in the restaurant, including you, have their best deadpan glares plastered on their faces, the pegasus sheepishly makes his way back to his own table.
Never go full retard, man...

Gilda cocks her head to the side and looks at me with interest?

"Well, I'll be damned. A sentient being immune to the effects of the Gaylixir."

...Really? Gaylixir? Nevermind what I just said about Soarin' and his pun, this takes the title of most fucktarded pun I heard in months, or even years.

"So, I don't have to worry about having my ass stuffed full of horse cock?"

"Well, you could always ask them if you're into that sort of thing." she says, but realizing I might as well strangle her on the spot, she goes on, "Uh, I'm joking. No, you're safe now, you seem immune.".

"Good, 'cause I totally DO NOT swing that way."

"Yeah, me neither."

Right, right.
You carpet munching whore.

Why the fuck am I getting so worked up about everything related to Rainbow Dash? That dream gave me some serious sexual tension or something.
Determined to fully deny the obvious until the very end, I try to relax and think about something, and enjoy my food which just arrived. While it's far from stellar, the simple fact it's meat more than makes up for it.
Sauce's pretty good, though. Mustard cream thingy...
DAMN IT, can't a man talk about 'meat' without you faggots thinking about something else?
Or without me imagining you're just as perverted as I am?

Making small talk with Gilda, I eventually finish my food. She stayed at my table the whole time for some reason. I get up, about to go to the counter and pay, but the griffon stops me.

"Hey listen dude, it's uh, it's on the house, right? You're cool and all, and you're one of a kind. Keep your bits for something else, alright?"

"Uh... right. Well, thanks a lot Gilda, that sure is a nice change from the capitalist world I come from."

"Capita... what? What is that?"

"Nothing important, just some human political shit. Anyway, bye I guess."

"Bye..."

---

A/N: I Cum Blood by Cannibal Corpse, that's all you need to know.