I get up, brushing some dust and grass off me. This was MUCH less violent than Rainbow sky attack'ing me at escape velocity, but it still somewhat hurt.
Looking to the side, I see a gray pegasus lying in the grass, upside down with her snout buried into the ground, and her flank up in the air.

I roll my eyes. Derpy and I always kinda got along, we were both considered 'weird', and we were both under the assumption we were the only normal ones, surrounded by a bunch of weirdos in this mad, mad world.

I give her a hand and she gets up, thanking me and apologizing for the 'disagreement' as she put it. She fumbles with her saddlebags and eventually manages to take a muffin, which she gives me, and an envelope, wwich she begins to munch on.
As much as I like that pony, I must admit she's still retarded. I stop her, give her the muffin and take the envelope. She gives me a sheepish smile as I gently pat her on the head.

She's blonde as fuck, but unlike dumb blondes back home, this is one is cute and innocent. Or so I like to think...
To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if she were some kind of hardcore freak with really fucked up fantasies and shit.

I open the envelope, and inside is a little piece of scroll. Oh damn. Oh damn, damn, damn, damn.

YES VLAD, UH, PLEASE DON'T CUT MY COCK OFF EH?
...once again I'm sidetracking. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The royal seal. Shit is real now, and comes from up there.
Deathfromabove . bik

ENEMY AC-130 AB-

NO. Not again. Finally gaining back control of my brain, I start reading. It's not even a letter, merely a list.

- Public humiliation (-1)
- Virtual violence against royalty (-4)
- Assault and battery (-10)
- Theft and home invasion (-7)
- Rebellion and plotting against royalty (-58)

What the FUCK. Is this a list of all the shit I did today?
Unfurling the scroll completely, I see Celestia's latest official 'signature'.

'I'm made of magic, my feathers gleam, I am perpetual, I keep the country clean.'

This bitch has popped her membrane years ago. But that's official, and I'm in trouble. And now I can remember what the numbers meant.

THE NUMBERS, MASON. Yeah. They meant that.

When I first arrived here, nopony was really trusting me. When I settled in into my house, Celestia told me she had registered my name into her database or some other shit, like hell I was listening, I had better things to do.
Like, thinking up ways to get me some booze and daily meat.
No, not that kind of meat you gay ass faggots.

So yeah, she said she would keep track of my criminal record, and gave me a total amount of 'points'. She then told me that for reach criminal act I commit, I would lose a certain amount of points, depending on how severe the crime was.
She asked me how many points I thought would be fair for a being like you. Not even giving a shit about whatever it was she was babbling on about, I said what I always say when asked about numbers.

Sixty-nine.

I assume she took it literally, considering how unlikely it is that the actual sex position could exist here. I can't really picture it working for ponies. Especially since they last forty seconds at best. Or so I was told.
Back on Earth, by crappy fanfiction writers. Yeah maybe they last longer.
WHATEVER.

I quickly count how many points were deducted in total, assuming this is the first time I ever commit a 'criminal' act, but the 'fifty-eight' really emphasizes on how fucked I am...

Eighty in total.
Balls. This is bad. I'm in trouble. Derpy has been looking at me with a worried smile since a few minutes... Well, that was a fun ride while it lasted.

No, what the hell? It was horrible, and boring as shit. My whole life has been boring and annoying, and now I'm gonna get thrown in jail or something? Fuck that.
Nothing I can do to prevent it though... I'm immune to magic, that includes alicorn magic, but they could still levitate stuff to hit me with. And even then, physically speaking, I wouldn't like to have to take on more than two or three royal guards at once. The motherfuckers are HUGE for a bunch colorful midget ponies.
I'm too slow and mentally unstable to hope running away without fucking up and making shit worse on myself.

"Well Derpy, that's it for me I guess. I'm gonna have my ass murdered by the princess. It was nice knowing you."

She looks confused for a few seconds, and chuckles, probably thinking I'm joking or something. I cup her face with a hand and look at her, getting all solemn and shit.

"Derpy, I'm serious. This is the end for me. We need to make love one last time, right here, right now, after all what better-"

My outburst of RAPE is short-lived as a goddamn flash of light blinds me, forcing me to let go off the gray pony and shield my eyes.

Oh, look. A wild CELESTIA appeared!
Hoorah. I totally needed that. Before she can speak, I shoot her one of my signature human glares, freezing her in place. She probably can read in my eyes, and it must be something along the lines of 'U CAN BASH THE FUK OUT O' ME ALL U WANT FREND FOR I WIL HAVE U KNO THAT I TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THT I, M8, AM ETERNAL'. Or something.
Apparently understanding it, she remains silent as I take her little scroll, turn it around, grab a quill from my bottomless pockets and write on it.

SUNBUTT'S CRIME RECORD
- COCKBLOCK (-69)

I give it to her, crossing my arms and motioning to Derpy, frowning. The white alicorn mildly chuckles, before speaking.

"It has come to my attention that you went on quite a spree, today."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know me, I keep it real, unlike you fake ass mother-... I mean, uh... yeah. Unlike you fake ass motherfuckers. That's what I really meant."

She doesn't seem to give much of a fuck, but then the only time I ever saw her giving a fuck was when she caught me in the middle of the town on the day I arrived.

"Look, do whatever you want to me, I don't care, alright? I'm done with this shit. Life sucked where I'm from, life sucks here, prison or whatever you're planning for my ass can't possibly be much worse."

She clears her throat and drops her smile.

"Well, I actually had something else to give you."

She claps her front hooves together, and nothing happens. She frowns, and tries it again. Giving up, her eyes start to glow white.
I don't like where this is going.

Suddenly she screams, "DISCORD!".

"WOAH 2EDGY BACK OFF" I scream, backing up a few steps.

A male voice echoes through... wherever I am. Do sounds echo through a plain? I have long given up on trying to find any sense in this shit. Opening my eyes, I see Discord hovering nearby. And Celestia looks REALLY pissed.
At him, apparently. Not at me.

"What did you do to my horn?"

I finally notice she has some kind of ring on her horn. Heh, looks like a cockring.
NO, BAD BONER. DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING, MOTHERFUCKER!

"I didn't do anything, why would you ask? In fact, I find that piece of jewerly very... pimp, as our human friend here would put it. Right?"

I look up at him and raise an eyebrow. This 'dude' is too fucked up, even for me.

"Yeah playa, pimp as fuck. Go get 'em hoes now, 'know what I'm sayin' dog?"

He spawns a monocle out of nowhere and starts talking with a snob voice.

"Dear gentleman, I do believe I understand the matters of which you-"

A fucking Solar Beam stops him dead in his tracks. For added drama, he 'snaps' his body in half, and plays dead.
Celestiaisnotamused . png

"I didn't do anything, you see? You can still use that ugly thing you have on your inferior pony forehead."

"Discord, I control the Sun. I have its powers in me."

"Then why don't you warm me up, babe? It's getting cold in-"

And another Solar Beam. It feels like I'm battling Gary MOTHERFUCKING Oak on my Blue cartridge all over again, like I did fourteen years ago. I just stand there, annoyed and mildly bored, waiting for whatever horrendous shit is gonna come out from whatever is currently happening.
A few minutes later, they finally stop fighting and arguing, and Discord gives me a small piece of paper. Not scroll, this time, actual paper.

I eye it cautiously before picking it up, reading it.

- Secretly craving Rainbow pussy (+666)

I start blushing like a faggot, now unsure of whether I REALLY ever hated Dash or not.

Celestia sighs again, and does some magic bullshit thing to the paper, which now reads:

- Critical help to an Element of Harmony (+10)

I look at her, confused as ever.

"CELESTIA, WON'T YOU EXPLAIN SHIT FOR ME? I'M AS CONFUSED AS I'VE EVER BEEN. I AM TURNING BACK AND GOING HOME, IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU COULD LEAVE ME ALONE?"

I start humming some kind of guitar / synth / whatever solo, when I hear something behind me. Barely having the time to turn around, I'm thrown back on my ass. AGAIN.
Man, shit's getting old.

...And now there's a smiling Rainbow Dash on top of me, smiling. What's next?
And her smile looks really genuine, too. Too much nonsense, so little time... You'd think I'd be used to it after a month, but I'm still not.

"Thanks... for everything." she says, handing me back the fifty bits and the sextoy, and confusing me beyond what I ever thought possible. What is she on now? And what the hell is she doing?
Both Celestia and Discord look at us, before their mouths turn into large shit-eating grins.
Shooting Rainbow a hateful glare, I start blushing despite my best attempts at pretending nothing just happened and shit is as normal as it'll ever be.
Which it, sadly, is.

Dash keeps smiling, brushing her tail against my thighs. Seriously, I'm not the best at reading people, or ponies in this case, as far as emotions go but there's definitely something wrong with this land and its inhabitants. What sense am I supposed to make out of that?

None, you idiotic fuck.
Right, well call it a human instinct or anything, but I'm STILL trying to see sense in everything. Most of everything.

Celestia, her grin never faltering, uses more magic on the paper thingy, and now it reads:

- Critical help and much needed physical care to an Element of Harmony (+15)

Not even trying to understand what she's implying, I realize that unlike eighty minus ten, eighty minus fifteen DOES clear my ass, bringing my current remaining points to four.
I'm still a bit shocked that two millennia old, immortal demi-God entities or whatever they are, could believe that I, of all people, could have somepony wanting to... yeah. They're gullible as hell apparently.

Rainbow Dash is blushing a bit but she doesn't seem to mind. I resent her implication and shit. What does she want from you?

White royal bitch drops her (fake?) smile, and goes more in-depth into her usual shit nobody really cares about.

"I believe you are now cleared. You only have four points remaining though, so I suggest you keep a low profile for a few days. Your points total will reset at the end of the month."

What? She never said anything about resetting? So I can fuck shit up every month if I don't go above a certain thresold?
Life in Equestria just got about TWO FUCKING HUNDRED percent cooler.
Still, Celestia is really a cheeky, crafty little cunt, nothing will change that. I have to give her credit for a few things but damn.

She leans onto me and whispers in my ear, "If things don't work out with Rainbow Dash, my sister would be most interested in making your acquaintance.".

What the everloving COCKSUCKING fuck. Say what now?
Am I tripping or something? There's no way any of this can be real.
As she flies away with Discord, I just stand there, with Rainbow Dash resting in my lap, and Derpy hovering around, looking at me with a weird expression, somewhere in between 'so when are you gonna drill me? I'm bored' and 'I hope your ass gets thrown in jail before the reset'. With maybe a bit of 'you're just a liability, why'd you bother coming back?'.

Suddenly, a voice behind me.

"As our sister said, we would be most delighted of making thy acquaintance, human."

WOAH WOAH 5EDGY3ME
STAY AWAY

...Sure enough, I turn my head to the left and see a dark blue alicorn.
She won't cry for me (qq more bitch nigger). She wasn't the answer to my life. I haven't waited here for her for a thousand years.
So what the hell is she doing here?

"Princess Luna?" I ask, though it's more of a rhetorical question than anything. "Oh uh, I mean, hello. I guess, I, uh..." holy shit I'm confused, too much shit going on at once. "What are you doing here?" I manage to ask.

She lowers her head and looks to the side, "We... We are sorry, for we are currently into thy dream."

"Nah it's alright, it's cool, I-"

Wait, what now?

"Wait, what now?"

"Thou are dreaming right now. We wanted to show thee that thou did not need seek the company of any random mare thou would lay eyes upon, for there are quite a few of them, who would fancy to be thy partner, for things we will not linger on."

Her English is weird... But then, being the non-native English speaking foreign faggot that I am, who am I to talk shit about one's language? Hell, I'm sure most ponies regularly quote some of the stupid shit I say when having a laugh together. If not only because of the sheer stupidity of what I say most of the time. That's a real paradox about being intelligent, yet behaving like an idiotic fuck. I know I'm stupid, and I know I could change, yet I won't because it's just more fun that way.

Still, I ponder over what she says, unsure of whether I should be trusting her or not.

"Yeah no, if this is a dream, then why should I believe anything you say?"

"We are real, we have forged thy dream for thee. We have total control over it, but everything thou saw reflects reality."

"No, it reflects what you think is reality. Get out more and see for yourself what shit is like. Rainbow Dash nearly swooning over me? What the fuck kind of wicked, alternate reality do you think you live in, Luna?"

"We have total control over thy dream, it does not mean we have changed anything."

"Speak English, please?"

She sighs and closes the distance, looking at me solemnly.

"Everything that has happened so far would have happened outside of a dream. We only cause certain events to happen, in order to trigger-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Just back off, and wake me up please?"

Seriously, a man can only take so much. Such amounts of mindfuck in such a short period of time... No man should ever have to endure that. I'm gonna have to reboot my brain later.

"We... We have one other thing we have to tell thee."

"Oh boy here we go dot J P G."

"What?"

"Nothing, shoot."

"What do you want us to shoot?"

...SHOOT THE CHARGER!

"Nothing, just tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me."

"We... we really have to insist on the fact everything thou have heard and seen so far in this dream are true and accurate to reality."

"You already said that, haven't you?" I say, eyeing her suspiciously. Seriously, this mare is... I don't know, strange. Not Celestia levels of strange, but something about her is unsettling nonetheless.

Suddenly, I remember her 'introduction'.

"Wait, what are you trying to say? You want me?"

"NO! No, we... we mean, we, uh... Yes, no. We do... Uh."

"Uh? What?"

"We, uh... Thou see, we... Princess Celestia was, uh..."

"Oh, I see. That's so fucking clear, I can't believe I didn't understand the first time."

That elicitates a short chuckle from her. "No, thou see, we may have caused thee to experience a slight misunderstanding. We actually meant our sister's other sister, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. She would be most delighted if-"

"Cadance isn't your sister, or Celestia's! What are you trying to tell me, for fuck's sake?"

"Nothing! We have never tried to tell thee anything. We are sorry, we must go attend to the dreamscaping of other ponies now. Farewell, human."

With a flap of her wings, she's airborne and flying away.

"WAIT! WHAT'S GOING ON? AND WHAT TIME IS IT ANYWAY?"

Not caring to answer, she gets struck by lightning and disappears with two large trails of fire behind her.
Okay now what the fuck was all that about?
So I'm asleep, right? But where? And when?
And which mares would-

"What are you doing here?"

Wut.

"What are you doing in my closet?"

65wat . jpg

I open my eyes and light blinds me, causing me to close them again. Wait, weren't they open before?
A purple unicorn is standing in front of me, and I seem to be stuck inside a closet of some sort, below a set of stairs. I must look like Harry Potter or some shit.

Did I fall asleep here when I tried to avoid Rarity? So I would have dreamed everything that followed?
So I still hate Rainbow Dash, and still have my sixty-nine points? Wait no, Luna said everything that happened would have happened in real life.
But the question is, is Rainbow-

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? DAMN IT, ANSWER ME FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE!"

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, ALRIGHT? I WAS LIVING MY LIFE, MINDING MY OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, WHICH YOU DAMN PONIES SHOULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER DOING SOMETIMES, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN..."

I drop my rip-off of the royal Canterlot voice, and continue, "All of a sudden, Luna appears nearby and tells me I've been dreaming the last few hours, and she's been shaping my dream to show me I could get laid or something... ARGH,

THIS IS CONFUSING AS ALL FUCK!" I scream, clutching my head between my arms, still trying to get my eyes used to the sudden brightness of the real world.

"What time is it anyway?" I ask her, somewhat scared of what the answer could be.

"Eleven in the morning. Why in the world would you choose to sleep inside my closet?"

Telling her the truth doesn't sound that appealing right now.

Oh hey Twilight, I just wanted to spy on Rarity sniffing your shit and steal some bits to teach you not to be so naïve...
Yeah, no.
Time for bullshitting.

"I uh... I came to see if you wanted to hang out or something, and uh, I uh... I saw the note, and I entered and decided I would, uh... give you something. I think I put it in there, somewhere..."

She looks less than satisfied with my nebulous 'explanations'.

"What are you talking about? What did you want to give me, and why would you want to put it in a closet?"

"I don't know, I don't know! Luna erased my memory I think... Some of it? I don't even remember why I went outside this morning, or if I even did."

"You did, you're there."

"You know what I mean..."

Chances are, she doesn't. I'm trying to make it sound like I'm hung over or something, but in a world where cider is the most potent alcoholic beverage... It's not gonna work.

"Whatever, listen I think you should go. Flash is coming over tonight, and we-"

"WHY? Why would you date that coc-... I mean, colt?"

"Uh? Well, he's nice, and uh... We go way back. Way back."

"Nice? He ain't nice, he's a waifu stealer is what he is. Or so I've heard. And he cost you your title, remember?"

She winces at that, but pretends to ignore it. "He's a what now?"

"A waifu stealer."

"What's a waifu?"

"Uh, someon-... somepony you really like."

"Did he steal somepony I really like?"

...
Brain, you still here buddy?
Yeah, just trying to process that. I wasn't trained for such stupid shit.
Yeah, neither was I.

And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is the most prized pupil of her highness Princess Celestia, and formerly a princess herself. Still better than politcians and royalty back on Earth, though.

Regardless, I don't have time for this shit, so I push her away and walk out, not bothering turning back, even when she starts screaming shit about a pink vibrator lying on the ground of her living room.
Yeah, I have stuff to do. Square business, man.

Luna said she was real. In my dream. Assuming it's true, which it most likely is, it would mean that whatever the hell she said, she actually said it.
In the real, non-dream world. So I can confront her marine blue ass about it.
Especially since I was sleeping at a time she should have been sleeping as well. She stayed up 'late' with the sole purpose of fucking with my mind.

With the strong intent to find some answers, I walk to the train station. Hey, wait. I still have all those bits I've stolen?
Sweeeeeet.
That's probably hardly enough for both train rides and a snack, but well. I heard there was a restaurant in Canterlot that specialized in meat. I totally need to go there.
I was told it's run by griffons, who are naturally aggressive and dangerous, but as with most other things in life, I don't give a shit. I'll manhandle them if I have to.

Yeah, half feline, half bird of prey, and my biggest weakness is how slow I am. I totally got this.
Totally.

I afford one ticket and enter the train car, relieved that there was no damn Tank inside. I lost count of how many times I died to that motherfucker. Though, looking out of the window, the area seems particularly open, it would probably make for an easier fight. Oh well.
The more I think about it, the more I'm sure I'd rather be on Earth, playing and watching porn or something, than be here.

I mean, I never thought I'd actually say that, and much less mean it, but let's face it... There's nothing for me here, it's not where I belong.
I sigh, putting my head into my hands.

I don't hear the little filly who's walking up to me. I don't hear or feel her jumping on the seat next to me.
However, I do feel it when she gets on her hind legs and rests her upper body on my shoulder.

"What the fuck?"

Her AGAIN? Oh.
Wait, no.
Yeah, what the fuck.

I know that filly. She doesn't know me though. Yet she looks oblivious to my confused expression. I mean, why the hell would some little filly go and do that shit to a complete stranger, who just happens to be an alien three times taller than her?

"Who are you, mister alien?"

See.

"Who are YOU?"

"Name's Apple Bloom."

"Name's Nosfrat."

"What kind of name is that?"

"Well, what kind of name is Apple Bloom?"

"What are you?"

"I'm a human."

"What is that? Like, some tall bald monkey thing?"

"That's one of the least flattering I ever heard, but that's still one way to put it."

"Do humans have cutie marks?"

.
Itbegins . jpg

I don't have the time or the energy for this shit, I'm a man on a mission.

"Apple Bloom, I swear if you talk to me about cutie marks, I will fucking gouge your eyeballs out and stitch them to your flank."

"That's not very nice. You ain't scarin' me though, big guy."

Wow, shit. I'm dealing with a badass over here.

"Yeah well, not only do you suck my cock, but also I wasn't trying to scare you. Just leave me alone, I'm busy."

"But... If I leave you alone, then I can't suck your cock, right? Especially if you're busy."

...Okay now I'm legitimately scared. Grabbing her little body, I bring her to close to my ear and shake her violently.
Hm.

"Discord, you in there?"

A head pops out of the window nearby.

"Why yes, I most certainely am."

I jump in surprise and let go off the filly, who falls into my lap.

"Fuck's sake, I thought you were-"

"No, I didn't even need to. Being raised by the likes of Applejack and other crazy hillbillies does that to a young, fragile mind."

Well, finally something that makes perfect sense, and the God of Chaos was the one to say it... Or, I'm just chaotic myself, since none of other ponies make any sense to me.
But then, there's no fun in making sense, is there?

He chuckles mildly and leans onto me, whispering in my ear "Given that dicksucking is serious business, I will be leaving now, you two might want a little privacy. Good bye, dear sir.", before disappearing in a puff of pink smoke.

Looking at Apple Bloom, she has a still unfazed, 'all in a day's work' look plastered on her face.

"Okay so, you are NOT going to suck my dick, and I AM getting off at the next station."

Which just happens to be Canterlot.

"But wouldn't it be easier to get off with me sucking your dick?"

"...NO."

"Why?"

"JESUS FUCK WHY DO YOU WANT TO SUCK MY DICK?"

"I don't."

"Then why do you keep asking?"

"You mentioned it."

"But you don't want to do it, and neither do I."

"No."

"Yet you keep talking about it."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

Okay that does it, NO man should have to put up with this FUCKING NIGGER SHIT and only the dead can know peace from such evil.
I swear, when this is over I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

I get up as the train speakers announce that I am now in the royal city of snob ass unicorn fags, and I exit the train car, sighing. Unbeknownst to me, in the now 'empty' car, a certain yellow filly turns into a changeling, and takes off, flying back to Sweet Apple Acres.

The black hybrid lands on the orchard, in front of the little Apple Bloom, and waves his flank in front of her. On it, there's some kind of troll face with crossdicks below it.

"I did what you asked of me. I think somehow, you're the problem, I mean, look, it's so easy, changelings don't even have cutie marks, yet doing that stupid thing, posing as you? It got me one. Not that I'm too happy about it though..."

Apple Bloom starts crying, slowly realizing she might just never get her mark.
Turns out, changelings are actually decent creatures when not starving.

He gets closer to her, and hugs her. "Look here, don't be sad, alright? Maybe your talent is... to be a blank flank for life?"

Watery eyes turns into fucking hydro cannons as the changeling sighs and flies away.
Yeah, although they're very social due to the whole 'living in a hive' thing, they don't know shit about behaving socially around ponies. Being exiled for centuries does that to some.

---

A/N: Too many references to the song 'Luna' here, but I'm obsessed with it. And Celestia's slogan is of course a bastardization of Judas Priest's Electric Eye.