A/N: PLEASE READ THIS.
Just some random shit I came up with after not writing for several months. It was just meant to be me, writing to myself about my own adventures, using the usual greentext and second person format, and contained a lot of autism, an AWFUL lot of swearing (and it still does, barely half as much as the original but please, do not read if you're offended by extensive usage of swearing) and a bit of sex here and there. Nothing that would warrant a M-rating, though... I hope. I'm honestly not sure. I hope I can get away with a T-rating here, but I'll change it if needed.

So yeah, after I finished that 'story', I realized that while it was mostly some kind of autism-filled parody / satire with a surprising amount of feels in it (which it still is), it was actually better than just about everything I ever wrote. At least in my opinion, which probably means it will suck for other people, but well. Can't please everyone.

Nothing I say is to be taken seriously, as although this is a self-insert, I purposely made my 'character' somewhat different from myself. I am not racist, sexist (not too much at least D:) and I don't hate the ponies I claim to hate.
Just felt like throwing that out there, in case the anal pain spreads to sensitive readers who won't stand watch their favorite pone getting insulted without reacting to it.
This story also contains quite a lot of sarcasm and satire, as well as extensive fourth wall breaking and personal, non-story related ranting and random one-liners that I honestly don't expect ANYONE to get. Pinkie would be proud.

This is way too long to be a one-shot, but I wrote it in one go. I'm just splitting it into four chapters for the sake of convenience because while the whole thing is definitely too long to fit in a single one, it's not THAT long, either. (that sounded wrong)
Enjoy. Or run, while you still can.

---

I am Nosfrat. I am stuck in Equestria.
I am fucking bored.

Well, at least that's one thing that hasn't changed at all. In fact, not many things have changed.
I'm not even sure ANYTHING has changed at all, if not for the whole, obvious 'different dimensions' thing. Shit is still as weak as it gets.
It can always get weaker, life taught me that much, but... Yeah. Better not go there.

Ponies are somewhat nice to me. Well, most of them, anyway.
A certain blue pegasus by the name of Rainbow Dash has been a major pain in the ass. Mostly because I hate her, so I treat her like shit. Being the hot-headed, competitive, borderline aggressive type, she obviously doesn't hold back and treat me more or less in the same way.

I don't even know why I hate her. Honestly, I have no idea. I always did, well before arriving in Equestria. But now that I do know the 'real' Rainbow Dash, my hatred for her reached new heights. There's also something else about her...

Something I can't quite put my finger on. It's like hate, it feels really similar, but... What in the world could be similar to hate, and that I could feel for Rainbow Dash?

...Anger?
Disgust? Something like that?

Ah, what the hell. In time, I will figure out. Not that I give much of a fuck, though.

When we two happen to run into each other, well... Shit gets violent pretty quickly. Not physically, 'I'm gonna bash your fucking head in' violent, no... More like, 'there's dense, high-tension hatred burning in the air, and every life form within a fifty feet radius can feel it, and will most likely attempt to flee out of self-preservation instinct' kind of violent.

Heated.

Apart from that particular problematic mare, most of the other ponies are pretty nice to me, and rather caring. But still, that sadly doesn't prevent me from feeling bored, and... needy.
I AM a complete horsefucker, I came to terms with that a long time ago, and I never really gave it much thought. I would bang just about anything that moved, as long as it was sentient. Which, back on Earth, meant humans. And here, well, pretty much everything I guess.

Not really expecting to be transported to Equestria in the first place, I didn't think about having that kind of 'relationship' with anything other than ponies. And I still don't. Ponies are glorious master race.
But there's a problem with these pastel colored ponies. Those oddamn ponies, man.
Confound them. Confound them all.

They ain't right in the head. There's no way to make them understand anything, and hints at one's desire for a potential romance, or even full blown sex are no exceptions. Those who don't think I want to abuse and rape them, think I'm talking about something entirely different. What, I will never know, but it doesn't help.
Hell, even humans could hardly understand me, I shouldn't have expected alien ponies to be more... like me.

I never really felt like I was meant to be a human, at least not in today's world, but I sure as hell never felt like I was meant to be a three feet tall magical pony. So yeah, communication isn't the best when it comes to those few things I really need.
Not to mention that being a human and all, and a weird one at that, they don't even try to understand half of the shit I do routinely, or why I do it. I'm quite happy with that though, because I'm into some weird stuff that could quickly raise suspicions among my pony peers.

I've been here for roughly one month and I can safely say that life still sucks astronomical amounts of ass. The way I ended up in Equestria was rather unorthodox, but then was there a standard way for one-way, interdimensional travel induced by an uncontrolled surge of magic during a freak accident, only to end up stuck in a bright pastel land, surrounded by midget cartoon horses?

Yeah, I didn't think so either. From what I've been told, that freak accident had involved Twilight Sparkle, formerly a princess, some strange mirror thingy that apparently acted as a portal to a world with strange humanoid avatars of the ponies living in Equestria, and one of Celestia's old students, gona rogue for whatever reason. PMS, probably.

Damn, I need to stop being sexist and making such jokes. Not only is it pointless because well, there are like 90% of mares, and equines don't have periods. And also because I have the sinking feeling that being an asshole isn't the smartest thing to do in this land. Maybe I watched the show too much... Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Or maybe I'm just having a gut feeling telling me that I should listen to it, lest I want to be the first human to actually land on the Moon.

Yeah, not the same Moon but whatever.

So, back to exactly four weeks ago...

[weird sound effect]

---

Damn. What the fuck?

I didn't remember falling asleep in the middle of a garden. I didn't remember living anywhere near Fluttershy's cottage, either. And I sure as hell didn't remember Equestria to be a place I could randomly wake up in.

Before I could process those thoughts, I was under attack.
A massive mob of woodland critters had me pinned to the ground. Struggling for about a minute, I eventually managed to elbow some kind of small bear in the jaw, freeing my arms and giving me the leverage needed to shake a small beaver thingy off my leg, allowing me to stand up. Not wanting to stay for dinner or anything, I ran.

I ran fast, and for a long time.

Considering I'm a fat fuck, you can read that as: I ran actually somewhat fast for my size, and for forty-five second before hyperventilating.
Being in shape had never been my main concern in life, or a concern at all, really. Maybe another reason why I hated Rainbow Dash, her natural 'physical' attitude...

So yeah, I ran. Powered by adrenaline, fear and whatever else I was feeling at the moment, I ran and hid into the Everfree forest. I figured that no pony would come here, so I would have a little time alone to get my shit together. And hopefully I would stop screaming... I wasn't sure if I was screaming in terror, anguish, relief, excitement, or all at once, but I screamed for hours. Eventually, my vocal chords sent me a 'fuck you' notice, in the form of sharp pain in the back of my throat, and they went AWOL.

I ended up calming down, and deciding to take a nap. Whether it would make me wake up back on Earth, or help me analyze this shit rationally, it couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong.

After dreaming of horse pussy and shit, and as I was closing in on Luna's dark blue folds, I was awoken by the screams of a pissed off manticore.
Huge motherfucker. I'm talking ten to twelve feet at the very least, and paws larger than my head.

I somehow managed to escape, using legendary guerilla warfare tactics to their fullest potential.

Or, I got lucky with a thrown rock that hit the creature in the eye, and I ran away as fast as my legs would carry me while screaming shit about how I should have known the price of evil, and how it hurts to know that I belong here.

Anyway, pointing my finger in a random direction and watching the big, stupid faggot actually bother turning around and looking towards said direction, giving me the time needed to grab a nearby rock and ready an overhand throw, was definitely the highlight of the day.

Finally getting out of this hellish place they dare calling a forest, I was met with Fluttershy and her army of critters. Considering the biggest of said critters were roughly the size of the pegasus herself, I found the choice between taking on a shy pony and a dozen of small animals, or an enraged mythological monster nearly twice my size that could decapitate me with a single swipe, to be pretty easy.

I simply stood my ground, crossing my arms over my broad chest, giving her a weird glare. Something somewhere in between 'I will fucking murder you and watch as your entire famile and all your loved ones are writhing in agony, slowly consumed in agony in the raging inferno that will be licking the walls of your small cottage tongiht', and 'hey wait man, wait, you right dog, this is stupid, let's put the guns away and go on about our business'.

And maybe a slight hint of 'dat flank'.

Ultimately she tried to use her signature stare on me, and needless to say, it didn't quite have its intended effect.
All it did was being cute. And giving me a semi-boner.

Those eyes on me while she would be doing something else... Yeah no, better keep it a SEMI-boner, at least for now.
Once she was done tryharding, I shrugged and stated matter-of-factly that I needed to get back to the 'hood, because things were too crazy 'round here.

The yellow pony, failing to understand by statement, simply stared at me with eyes wider than just about everything besides my ass, and a few minutes later I found myself 'lost' in the middle of Ponyville's town square.

I honestly had no idea what to do, or where to go. I was a complete stranger, cursed, cast out and forgotten in a distant, foreign land, and I-
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Bottomline is, I was lost.

As if it would answer my pleas, a bright flash of light blinded me and I staggered a few feet backwards. This was only the beginning of what I would, a month later, still fucking hate.
Fucking magic.

Opening my eyes again, I was met with the sight of a slightly less small horse, with white wings and a LONG fucking horn protruding from its forehead. I'm talking over one foot and a half.
Princess Celestia, somehow aware of the fact that the little accident that had happened apparently had another side-effect, namely bringing my ass here.

We talked for a while, her forced smile (poorly) trying to hide emotions such as dread and resentment.
I was pretty sure she was scared of me. Or, scared of whatever kind of shit I could be doing here. I didn't know how much she knew about humans, if anything at all, but I doubted she could possibly ignore that they are NOT peaceful, and NOT to be trusted.

After she tried to levitate me and failed rather hilariously, I suppressed the urge of copiously insulting her, and instead took a deep breath, before explaining her how shit worked on Earth.
I told her that my world was devoid of any magic, and as such the atoms and everything composing my body were never meant to interact with any kind of magic, essentially making me immune.
I wasn't too sure about this theory, but it actually made some sense. And it still does.

We didn't exactly part on friendly terms, but I managed to somewhat reassure her, explaining her that while humans were stupid fucking greedy dickriding unclefuckers with a trash can fetish, I somehow was different. She reluctantly agreed to 'build' (read: magic together) a small house on the edge of the Everfree for me to live in, not too far from a certain yellow pony's cottage.

I had to once again suppress the urge of fucking her shit up when she stated with a shit-eating grin that my house would have three stories, because stairs were a good workout.
I hate stairs, and I hate working out. She probably knew it, being the crafty little cunt she is.

Needless to say, everything was either on the bottom or the top floor.

And she also gave me a decent amount of bits so that I could live by myself for a while, before having to try and get an actual job. Not like I would ever consider that though, jobs are for stupid redneck pricks, mexicans and other immigrants.
You could ask yourself, what about jobs in Mexico?
And you could ask yourself, do I even know what the fuck a job is? And you would be right to want to ask yourself such a question.

But anyway, as it turned out, Twilight Sparkle tried to go back through the portal to the 'human' world, to see Flash Sentry again, and probably suck his cock in the school's bathroom stalls or something, because her dumb purple ass failed to realize he was in Equestria as a pony all along.
Or, maybe she was just not that much into ponies... And rather into humans. I made a mental note of trying to (hopefully confirm) or disprove that theory later.

So yeah, while her nerdy ass tried to go back through the portal, something happened. Nopony knows what and frankly, not a single fuck has been given about it since it happened, but something went wrong. Horribly wrong.
So wrong in fact, that the dorky lavender 'alicorn' had her princess title removed for it, along with her wings.

And THAT was the stupid shit that got me here, somehow. That was about a month ago, and to this very I still wonder why. I mean, like sucked on Earth, and now life sucks in Equestria. The only significant different would be that I'm living something thousands of fat autistic neckbeards would want to be living. So much prestige...
Speaking of which, I need to trim my beard. The last thing I want is to be affiliated with people like that, people who are exactly like me, except they weigh a couple pounds more (or less?) and have slightly different facial hair growth.
Being a human, that alone is of course enough to make me feel like they are different, and do not belong with me. It makes sense, right?

The other difference is that I've traded the few things I liked in life (my PC, my porn, my food, etc.) for the ability of going outside, and not wanting to kill every single living being that enters my field of vision.
While it felt nice in the beginning, I'm seriously starting to think I got the short end of the stick.

But in the end, friendship must really be magic, because I seem to be immune to it as well. It's not like I ever had real friends but well, at least I'm not a wizard. I never thought I would actually ever end up in Equestria (you don't say) but the very second I woke up in this land, my heart was filled with apprehension. I jusy knew shit was never gonna work the way I would have expected it to, and a month later I can't really say that I'm surprised.

From the start, I had the feeling that not only I wasn't gonna get any sweet pony pussy, but I wasn't gonna make any friends either, and life would still suck dicks.

But today, it can change. I've had enough of this shit. Enough is enough, and I am NOT gonna stand this any longer.
Today, I fight for things. It's time to get off my lazy ass and do shit. After all, if you want shit done, the only way is to do it yourself.
I'm gonna go out there, maybe get me some friends, definitely a copious snack, and hopefully a nice marefriend.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, A MAN CAN DREAM.
...can't he?
We'll see.

It's early morning, the Sun is slowly rising... As much as I hate Celestia, I have to admit it takes dedication. Either to raise, move and set the Sun everyday, or to pretend you do so and keep the act up for several millennia, it takes dedication in both cases.
In the positive side, it's fall, which means I have a good six or seven months before the burning heat drives me to try and commit murder on the royal person of her highness Princess Celestia.

Heh, Her Highness. HH.
SIEG HEIL!

WILL YOU QUIT IT YOU FAT NAZI FUCK? Damn it.

I don't bother with breakfast because it's for homos. I mean, really, you just woke up and can't handle waiting until noon? That's bullshit, and you know it as well as I do. I mean, come on.
And no, the fact I often wake up in the middle of the afternoon has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I don't usually have breakfast. I honestly don't see why you would think that.

I don't shower either, because I shower before going to bed, like a normal person should. At least that's what I think. But since I'm not fucking normal AT ALL, I suppose that makes my argument invalid, right?
Not like there was any arguing going on in the first place, but I'm like that.
EVERYTHING is srs bsns.

Also I don't shave, because facial hair is extremely manly, and I'm like, the ambassador of the human race and shit, therefore I have taken it upon myself to become the embodiment of manliness. However I DO take a shit, mostly because there are no public toilets in Ponyville. Seriously, it's like they're just doing it in the grass or something, or in their homes. Ew, bunch of casuals. I'd have to tell them to get the fuck off me, if they were on me to begin with.

Alright so uh, now that I have digressed enough for the time being, where was I again? Oh, right.
Time to go to town.

After putting on some half-decent clothes, I leave my house, closing and locking the door behind me. I know not a single pony would ever even consider the fact that they could enter my house and steal my shit, or do anything really, but well, I'm a human.
A human from planet Earth and shit. Old habits die hard.

I don't have anything worth stealing, though. And most of my stuff is custom made to fit my superior species.

I start walking along the little dirt path leading into Ponyville, singing a cheerful tune.

"THAT, WHICH THE WORLD HAS LOST DOES WAIT, FOR THE DAWNING OF THIS FATE"

Not remembering the rest of the lyrics, I keep humming and eventually I shut up when I realize every single pony is looking at my obnoxiously loud ass.
Oh well, it's time to kick ass and seduce mares.
And I'm all out of ass.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Alright man, you can do this. You can do this, you've been through worse. You watched Blade Runner, the whole thing, and without falling asleep. YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT!

The first mare I see will be my first target. I will succeed. For the power of Islam flows through my veins, and the great Allah will-

Yeah, no. Wrong line. My bad. I put that particular thought away for the time being, and exhale slowly. Alright, the first mare I see. The first mare I see... Let's do this.

I slowly open my eyes, and any feeling of confidence I had dies in a heartbeat.

I hesitate, pondering over whether or not I should disregard what I said about the first mare I would lay my eyes on. Because I'll be damned if that mare right there isn't the Annoying and Moronic Trixie, right in the middle of the town, walking around with her crappy ass cape and ugly hat.
And nopony is even minding her presence. Bunch of amnesic fucks.

But then, if I start to lie to myself and betray my own promises to my own self... I ain't never gonna get shit done that way. So what the fucking hell. I walk up to the blue mare, unable to shake off that feeling of impending doom, and I brace myself for failure.
I know that feeling of incoming fail way too well to fully ignore it anyway, even if I could physically repress my emotions.

I approach her slowly, and eventually come to a halt as I see her levitating something from her saddle bag, which was hidden below the cape, apparently. You take a look at that thing.
It's huge. It's pink.

It's a huge pink... vibrator? What the fuck?
At this point I simply lose my shit and start laughing, hard. Trixie turns to me and starts blushing, although she is quick to replace it with a frown.

"Trixie demands that you stay away from her, you disgusting, overgrown monkey!"

"Yeah well, you can't really expect to go around town with a HUGE PINK BANANA, and not have monkeys all up in your shit, now can you?" I manage to say (or rather, shout) in between laughs.

I lose it again and start crying from how fucking hard I'm laughing, and her blush comes back at full force, along with the increasingly large crowd of ponies gathering around, looking at the two of us. In her colon anguish induced rage, she drops her big dildo thingy, and I pick it up, before clenching it in my fist and raising my arm.

HOLY SHIT DUDE, I FOUND A DILDO! THE PEOPLE DEMAND RUBBER DICKS! ...Yeah, no. Wrong script.
Sorry, sorry. My bad.

So anyway, I'm right there, waving the big pink thing into the air in the middle of about ten ponies or so.

"FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS, I PRESENT YOU, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE'S PERSONAL MAGIC WAND!"

Her face is literally red, she looks like Big Mac or something. A little unicorn filly walks up to me, eyeing the sextoy with interest.

"Mister human, can I touch it? Please?"

Before I can lose my shit any further (implying that's even possible), her mom rushes to me and grabs her daughter in a telekinetic field, before galloping away.
All the ponies around me have trouble containing their laughter, and a suppressed laugh is just about the most contagious kind of laugh there is.

Resisting the urge of sticking it up the blue magician's cunt while screaming 'everypony into the tunnel of love!', I instead clench the large pastic dick between my teeth as if it were a rose in some sappy romantic scene, before kneeling down and taking one of Trixie's hoofs in my hand.

I take the vibrator in my other hand and offer it to her. "Care for a dance, Mademoiselle?"

She looks at me with the most hateful glare she can muster.

"FUCK OFF, NIGGER PIECE OF SHIT, FUCKING MONGREL!"

God. Damn.
She's so mad. So much anal pain, so hurt. Her poor, barren shithole must be burning with frustration and rage.

"Wow, damn. So much butthurt... How can one's ass be so sore? Must be from overusing that thing, isn't it?"

I stand back up, putting the sextoy in my pocket, before laughing even harder than before. Her face looks like it's fucking boiling, and it might just explode at any second now.
Word quickly got around that the giant alien monkey thingy was immune to magic, as it apparently was a first in the history of Equestria, to have a sentient being immune to magic. She knows she can't do anything against me.
Obviously she could buck me in the nuts, but thankfully, since that doesn't work at all on stallions, nopony does it, and everypony is completely oblivious to a man's most glaring weakness.

Maybe this land ain't so bad, after all.
She teleports away in a mix of pure, unaltered rage and deep shame, with a little hint of sadness somewhere maybe. That said, I'm surprised she disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and not an explosion of spaghetti. Oh well.
She's probably used to being humiliated in public.

So kinky.

But it's not like I would ever have gotten laid with her, anyway. Not only I don't like her, but she's way too... way too herself. At least I made her look like a complete fucking tool.
Which is what she has always been, right?
And I had a serious giggle. Fuck, I haven't laughed that hard in... ever?

And I got a free pink horse vibrator. The prestige has been doubled.

What? No, this ain't Call of Duty. OH SHIT. Once again I stopped making sense.

Reboot.

Reboot complete. That's better. Oh and yeah, that was another thing. Not many ponies actually swear, but those who do... Damn. Nearly human-like.

With the 'first first mare' of the day out of the way, I decide to keep walking towards fuck knows what, and let Islam guide my-
NOT AGAIN.

I decide to keep walking towards... actually, screw that 'first mare' idea. Of all the ponies who witnessed my little 'show' with Trixie, at least fifteen or them were mares. Guess it's time to verify if my theory was any true...

Onwards to Golden Oaks.

Goddamn, I'm panting like a fat idiotic prick. I never though laughing while walking would take so much breath out of me, damn. Straightening my hair out, I loudly pop my joints and knock on the door. I gave up long ago on trying to look any good.
While I DO have a few things going for me (very few), looks ain't exactly one of them. I'm a human anyway, so I suppose ponies don't know or care what a good-looking human should look like.

In the end, it might just work in my advantage...

Heh, who am I kidding? That would be a first in my life.
Lost in my thoughts, I stand there like an idiot, not even realizing there's a small note pinned to the door. I detach it and bring it to eye level, raising an eyebrow as I start reading out loud.

"Rarity, I went to Canterlot for some private business with Flash Sentry. If you happen to deliver my dress today, please fold it neatly on my desk, and help you to my bits, whatever it may have cost. The door is open, the money is behind the desk in a small safe. The code is HH-14-88-SS.
Love, Twilight Sparkle."

Jesus fucktitting Christ. This isn't being naïve or too trustful. This is being downright fucktarded.
Well, at least it means she finally realized that Flash was here all along, and that she didn't need to go through dimensions and shit to see his orange ass again.

That also means my theories just went to shit, and she doesn't have a human fetish or anything. Though 'private business' could mean something else, I mean, with these damn ponies you can never really know for sure.
Meh.

Shrugging, I open the door before helping ME to her bits. Grabbing just enough to buy me a snack or something, I make a mental note of telling her about that whole 'I'm a stupid gullible fuck who needs to be robbed and raped in order to understand that maybe I should consider locking up my shit and stopping basically writing on my door 'COME ON INSIDE, FREE MONEY!'' thing.

Walking outside, I hear hoofsteps. I quickly rush back inside as I hear the telltale humming of a certain white fashionista. She enters the library, shaking her rump way more than necessary, especially considering nopony is watching, and she's levitating a large dress behind her.
How do they even wear that shit? Beyond the pointlessness and unpracticalness and fuck you I think I'm inventing wordsness, if a girl wore such shit back home, people would fucking pelt her ass with rocks or something.

I'm forced to back up below the stairs, in the shadows, hoping that she won't see me. It's pretty damn dark in here with the lights off in the early morning. Not so early anymore now I guess.

Damn it. I let the safe open... Shit.
Oh, what is that? Yeah, it's a dress you stupid bitch. Now that's right, you stay away from me. You put the damn thing on the damn desk and you get your white flank outta here, capiche?

I silently move further back, and step into some sort of closet or something. So much for the bookworm pone being all tidy and OCD-ridden and shit, this is worse than my room.

What part of fuck off does she not understand? God, what the fuck is that stupid unicorn doing?
Damn it, now she's moving closer. She's gonna get me in trouble, fuck's sake.
STAY THE FUCK AWAY YOU NAZI BITCH!

I always imagined her with a Nazi uniform, somehow. Complete dominatrix attire and shit, with leather riding crops, later? chains, ropes, and all that other fetish BDSM stuff for some reason. And speaking of Nazis, I'm pretty sure

Twilight has changed the code on her safe just for Rarity.

Because, well, I may or may not have told them about the greatness of the Führer and how wonderfully glorious the Third Reich was. On occasion, ponies will give me the Nazi salute.

Shit is so cash.

But right now, I've got bigger problems than worrying about how I might have forgotten to tell the princess about my plans to build a 1:1 replica of the Reichstag in the middle of the plains bordering Ponyville.
White pone is trotting around, visibly looking for something, and that something might just be located where my stupid ass thought it was a good idea to hide.

I'm half-stuck in that cramped closet thingy, and I can't really see much.
Oh wait, she stopped. Good, she found what she was... What the hell? She's levitating... lingerie?
This bitch is sniffing Twilight's underwear? AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD PONIES WEAR PANTIES ANYWAY? AT LEAST LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HAVE A SMELL?
God I'm even more fucked up than I thought. My mind has just been fucked a bit further, though. It appears that I was right, at least, Rarity is into some kinky fetish stuff.

As hot as it is, Twilight is having fun with that useless Flash faggot and Rarity would rather get her some whipped, panty-covered purple pony poon. While that means we share a common desire, which is more than I would ever have thought possible from her, it doesn't exactly give me much chances with her, either.

Hell, maybe I could ask her to be my wingmare? Still, that makes three mares I know I have no chance with.
Three in twenty minutes. I mean, I had some really bad streaks back on Earth but... Fuck damn, shit is getting worse for me.
After an eternity, the purple maned unicorn finally decides it's time to fuck off, and I can finally get my fat ass out of this damn closet. I struggle though, literally half of me is stuck in the closet.
It's like 2007 all over again.

I decide to grab another handful of bits, as compensation for what I just had to go through, when I notice something is off. Apart from the fact Rarity kept the dress and ignored the money...

The smell.
The fucking smell, goddamn. Was she in heat or something? Holy fuck it's strong, it's everywhere and it stinks.
In a good way, somewhat, but a hard-on isn't exactly what I need right now. Shit, she even leaked a bit on the floor.

Trying not to breathe, I run outside with my pockets full of Jew gold, and I slow down to a jog as I finally let pure, fresh air enter my lungs.
Damn, for real, I had never smelled that stuff so... personally. I absolutely HATE the swift and brutal 'go straight to cock, do not pass brain, do not collect rational thoughts' effect it has on me, and I dread to imagine what it would be like to have to be around a mare in heat, or whatever what making her produce that scent.

Or worse, rejected by one.
Well, rape time it would be, then.

Fuck that thought.
Shaking my head, as if it could help me get rid of unwanted thoughts, I slow down again to a simple walk. A loud scream is all I hear before getting the wind knocked out of me.

I stagger backwards, clenching my chest and muttering something about niggers and how they should go fuck a goat. Looking at my (somewhat blurry) surroundings, I don't see what could have possibly just impacted me with such strength.
That is, unless I count Rainbow Dyke. The cyan pegasus is sprawled out on the ground, apparently unconscious, with a bloody nose.

A bloody nose? What the hell? Is that even called a nose for ponies? Did she break it? Her snout? Is that how it's called?
Did she fly into me? Do I have blood on my shirt? Yes I do. Yes she did.
Damn it. Confound the shit outta these cocksucking ponies.
Looking at her unconscious body, my face must be like, a mix of 'not this shit again', 'fucking Satan' and 'they keep jumpin' yo' shit and y'all keep goin' down, one more time and that's it for ya'.

I reluctantly pick her up and sling her over my shoulder like a bag of potatoes or something. It doesn't help that I hate her. I think.
I still don't know why, exactly. It might be because she's overrated. It might be because she's probably getting more pussy than I ever will. It might be because her voice is annoying and she's bragging too much. It might be because she's a goddamn lesbian, which means one less available mare for my lonely ass. Not like I'd ever get any, especially not with her, but well. Principles and all that shit I guess.
Probably, it's a mix of all the above reasons, amplified by the fact I hate sports and everything that isn't about sitting down and not doing shit. Yeah, I'm lazy like that, not like it's a big surprise.

I start walking around, with the wannabe Wonderbolt resting against the side of my head. Her soft fur is gently brushing against my ear...

HOLY SHIT BONER DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Boner ready for deployment. Waiting for your mark.

Her silky feathers feel heavenly against my cheek, and her front hooves massage my back with every step...

PLS DON'T BONER, PLS PLS SRSLY PLS LIKE PLS I FUCKING IMPLORE YOUR MERCY SPARE MY SOUL

And her very slightly musky scent, mixed with just a subtle hint of sweat, and...

Tactical boner is a go. Fire away.

My stupid cock is like, 'intimidate those who intimidate others, that's my job'. I have no idea what the fuck that means, but now I'm sporting quite the massive erection.
The fat, tall alien thing with a huge fucking hard-on, in the middle of the town, with an unconscious and bleeding Element of Harmony slung over my shoulder.

Totally legit.

Hell, I can even see a part of her marehood half-hidden behind her muscled legs.
Bluewaffle . jpg

Oh great. Fanfuckingtastic. That little unicorn filly from before. Just perfect.
And now she's running up to me again, looking at Rainbow Dash's ass. It's only now that I notice her little perky dark blue teats brushing up agasint my chest.

Be advised, boner is now at 120% capacity. Guns guns guns.

God.
Why am I such a filthy horsefucker? Oh yeah, because that's the only logical thing to be with no humans here.
Right?

"Hey mister human, can I have an autograph please?"

Goddamn it, back away you little... little midget pony. What do you call a smaller form of already smaller small horses?
I pathetically try to bend over. Maybe because that would make Rarity appear and buy me some time? Or more like, because that will allow me to somehow hide my junk below my massive gut.

And now the filly is jumping everywhere, making me dizzy. What's wrong with her? Is she Pinkie Pie's lost sister or something? Damn.

Looking at her, I try to remain somewhat friendly. "Well uh, I'm kinda busy right now, maybe another time?"

She gives me a weird, confused look. "No I meant, an autograph from Rainbow Dash! She's so awesome!"

...Retardalert . gif

"Uh, she's... uh, resting." I say, trying to muscle my way past her. It doesn't prove to be too hard, considering that she's like two and a half feet at best. God, I feel sorry for her dad.

"I want an autograph!" she keeps screaming, starting to get on my nerves.

She tries to tug on Rainbow's mane with her weak filly magic as I walk away, carrying well over three hundred pounds on my feet.

"I want an autograph! I want an autograph!"

Aw hell. This is about to get all Baghdad and shit. Once again, a familiar feeling has returned. A different one this time. The one that means something along the lines of 'ANGER initiating, overriding in progress, BRAIN shutting down, you are now running the latest version of RAGE'.

No longer in full control of myself (was I ever?), I turn around and see the damn filly still jumping around, her horn shining a very faint glow of pink... or yellow? Or is it beige?

Who cares.

"I WANT AN AUTOGRAPH!"

"AND I WANT A FUCKING BLOWJOB! YET YOU DON'T SEE ME JUMPING AROUND LIKE AN INBRED FUCK AND TELLING EVERYPONY ABOUT IT, SO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH ALREADY!"

...Well, good job. Well played. Now she's shyly backing away, and her eyes are watering.
Oh well, it's not like it's the first time I have a violent outburst in the middle of the town. Ponies aren't getting used to it but they know me, I keep it real.
Way too real, sometimes. A good other seven or eight ponies are closing in, probably to see what's the deal with shouting so damn early in the morning, especially about autographs and blowjobs and things like that.

Somehow, they start acting like Parisian people going to work, stuck in the massive traffic jams on the boulevard périphérique. Mostly they simply honk their horns, lower their windows and start screaming nonsensical insults at each other for no reason. Then, other fags join in, honking and screaming as well, despite the fact they have no idea why, or what's going on at all.

And these ponies right in front of me are doing just that. They're now arguing and insulting each other for apparently no reason, considering I was the one who started shit, as usual. I think one of them just called another one a 'flank kissing zebrafucker'? Was that it? Damn.

Heh. Maybe Zecora could help me. I might not be immune to her 'magic', potions and stuff. Oh well anyway, it looks like my diversion has been made. Let's move.
I turn around and stealthily walk away.

I haven't even walked two hundred feet yet, and already an annoying voice is ringing in my ears. It's vulgar, butch as hell and obnoxiously loud.

"What you just did to my daughter, boy?"

What. Like, what.
Without even turning around, I already know that whoever that voice belongs to, it might mean trouble. Trouble has found me at last. It's been so long... A couple hours at best.
Still, I guess the right thing to do is to turn around, right? Right.

Weird ass chubby unicorn with a flashy pink coat and beige curly mane... Looks like the typical blonde afro. She's wearing some kind of fat mama dress-apron thingy, all pink and shit.
That was the little filly's mother, apparently, who levitated her daughter, denying her access to Trixie's dildo.

I love how I always manage to make bad things sound even worse.

With her ridiculous 'clothing', I can't even see her cutie mark. I'd have to assume it must be something like a bag of baby dicks. Or a dropped soap.
Or a KFC bucket full of watermelons.

Damn I'm a racist faggot. Nothing new here, but still, I manage to amaze myself everyday.

I sigh and give her a 'wow clm dwn m8 way 2 edgy 4 me tbh' look. I somewhat calmed down but I could still snap pretty easily, so I better take it easy for now.

"I didn't do anything, now if you'll let me, this pony right there is injured, and I need to take her to the hospital."

"First o' all you's gonna answer me! What was you doin' with my daughter?"

Seriously? Why do these ponies ALWAYS want to fuck with me? I mean, do I have some kind of sign on my face that says 'come piss me off pls'?

"A better question would be, what was SHE doing with me? You never taught her to mind her own business, and not go out of her way to annoy others? I was minding my own business, something you should try one day, and out of nowhere she came up to me and started annoying me. Just like her mother, apparently. It makes sense."

"Don't ya be talkin' 'bout me like that, boy. Ya don't know me. I'm gon' be showin' ya what I be teachin' my daughter."

"Really? You wanna suck my cock, like that in the middle of the street? We should maybe get a room or something first."

Her face turns red with anger, and I snicker. It ALWAYS works.
Time to fuck off, once again. I turn around and start walking again, when I hear the telltale sound of a unicorn's horn lighting up. Heh, amusing. She doesn't know.
Oh well, by the time she realizes, I'll be out of range. Of hearing range at least, I hope. She has the typical fast-food worker tone in her voice. Loud and horrible annoying, yet she doesn't pronounce half of the words.

Suddenly I'm violently yanked backwards, as if something was pulling Rainbow's body away from me.
I fall on my ass, and my momentum sends me 'rolling' on my back. While I keep my grasp on the blue pony, I hear her head hit the ground and my heart skips a beat.
Or two.

I get up as quickly as my FAT ASS will allow me to, and I kneel down in front of her. She doesn't seem hurt, at least not more than she was already. She's breathing softly, but she's obviously still unconscious. I let out a sigh of relief.
I wouldn't want even worst pony to be too badly hurt. Although, 'worst pony'... I think there's some nigger ass bitch right behind me who now deserves the title of worst pony. Once again, anger overrides any rationality I could have been feeling at the moment.

Three failures, public humiliation and nearly being charged with assault, kidnapping and pedophilia within thirty minutes. I'm getting better at this shit. Such dark times... This calls for desperate measures. Letting Rainbow Dash on the ground, I get up and look at the pink bitch.

"What did you just do?"

Seeing how pissed I am, she doesn't seem to want to act so tough anymore.

"You realize you could have killed her, right?"

"No! I... I was just tryna defend my daughter!"

Stupid whore. I swiftly close the distance and grab her horn, lifting her off the ground. She starts to uselessly thrash around.

"You should raise her properly, and teach her some goddamn manners, before defending her against shit that she doesn't need to be defended against."

Bringing my foot to her fat rump, I bring a hand to my chin, thinking. Yeah, let's do this.
I frown and slightly lower my foot, my brain filling up with complex calculations and shit. I slowly lick my index finger on my free hand, and raise it into the air.
Yeah, that's gonna work.

Now knowing the direction of the wind, I lower my foot completely, turn about sixty degrees to my left and let go off her horn, throwing a foot behind me. As she's about to hit the ground, I fucking cuntpunt her with all my might.

Homerun!

She literally flew fifty feet away.
THE POWER I HOLD I UNIIIIIIIIIIIMAGINABLE

I walk up to her and stomp my foot in front of her head. She's hurting, and not daring to look at me.

"You don't fuck with me. You just don't. You keep your stupid ass daughter off MY ass, and you stay the fuck from 'round here. Punk."

I half-expect her to go like, 'hey nigga, fuck you', but she doesn't. Walking back where Dash is, I pick her up again, although much more gently this time. She's not worst pony anymore, she deserves better treatment. Now where the fuck was I headed already? Home? The hospital? Where is it anyway?
Screw that.

Screw you ponies, I'm going home.
I never trusted doctors, and the impressive amount of similarities between Earth and Equestria leads me to believe it would not be wise to trust pony doctors, either. After walking for about ten minutes, I reach my house and unlock the door, before entering and sitting down on my small couch. I somehow keep Rainbow Dash in my arms.

Now I guess I can be honest with myself, and admit that I DO enjoy the feeling of her coat, and body warmth, against me. Finally a little warmth in my life... From a passed out midget horse, but that's better than nothing I suppose.
Reaching into my pockets, I realize that I still have a lot of bits. And I initially wanted to go grab a snack, as well as doing some other shit while at it.

I carefully lay down the 'sleeping' pony on the couch, and walk up the two flights of the stairs, not without routinely throwing a dart at a portrait of Celestia on the wall. I take a quill and a piece of scroll, and get to work.
It took me a while to learn to write with those things but really, the only difference is that I need to dip it in ink before writing.

'Dear Rainbow Dyke. You knocked your blue ass out by being the hot-headed, fast ass pone you have always been, flying into me. I, being glorious master fat race, withstood your powerful blow(job) and used COUNTER for double damage, obviously OHKOing your light pegasus ass.'

She's not gonna understand shit but I always wrote nonsense so...

'You hurt your nose and you bled on me. Feeling generous, I'm not going to sue you for it. Anyway, I-'

Damn it. I try to keep writing but my clip is empty.
I need to unlock extended magazines on this motherfucker. I pointlessly scream as I dip the quill in my little ink pot.

"TOPPIN' OFF, STAND BY!"

I'm considering buying some tape and making dual quills and shit.

'I brought you back to my house, because that's what a friend would do, I guess. Even if we're not friends. I don't really know, who needs details anyway. You will probably be alone by the time you wake up, since I have shit to take care of. Feel free to help yourself to some food and water, there's some cider in the fridge too. And there are painkillers in the bathroom, second floor, if you need them. Clean your face is you want, but if you value your life, keep your blood away from my towels. I left fifty bits on the table, I expect to see at least twenty remaining when I get back home, lest I will hunt your cyan ass down and terminate it, wiping you out with precision the likes of which have never been witnessed before in Equestria.'

I'm too busy spewing inky diarrhea onto the paper and chuckling at it to hear Rainbow Dash grunting downstairs.

'So-'

How do I end a letter already?

'So long, gay boy!'

Yeah, that will do.

'Not that sincerely, your, and everypony's favorite human, as well as best human overall, Nosfrat.'

I should get my shit published or something. This is brilliant.
I fold the scroll and walk back downstairs, muttering shit about how I need to find a way to make Celestia my personal slave, and force her to fly me up and down the stairs whenever I want.
I swear I'll have my revenge one day, bitch will fall. I'll make sure of that.

Rainbow Dash, startled by my angry muttering reeking of coup d'état conspiracy, decides to pretend she's still out. Being the idiot I am, I totally believe it.
I can't help but feel a little guilty, after all, while she did fly into me, I, being the fat ass I am, am responsible for having sent her into a coma or whatever she's into. Had I been a normal-sized human... Well, she would have probably knocked herself out too... And the fat probably cushioned the impact a bit. Still, better her than me.
Yeah, fat human is best human. Unlike them, I ain't never ate from a trash can.

I put the letter down on the small table in front of the couch, and reach for my pockets, taking out a handful of bits. Setting them down on the table, I chuckle, mostly because it makes me like, 'thanks for last night, sex was good, regards', but I try to ignore that thought. Realizing I still have Trixie's vibrator doesn't help, and I decide to put it down on the table as well.
For shits and giggles.

I really wish I could be here when she wakes up, but I have other plans for this afternoon. I walk out, locking the door behind me.
After all, my bedroom window is open. If she can't think about checking upstairs, well, too bad for her.
...or actually, too bad for me, seeing how we're talking about Rainbow Dash. Not feeling like buying new windows, I pinch the bridge of my nose is annoyance as I walk back and unlock the door, before setting off into the sunset.

Wait. What the fuck? The sunset?
It was morning an hour ago. Checking my watch, the '12:12' on it does little to relieve my fears. A quick glance through the window at the clock on my living room's wall confirms what I'm thinking.

Celestia is drunk.

God, I hate that bitch. She's always fucking around, and trolling me. I can't believe I haven't worst pony'd her ass the day I got here. Now that I think of it, Rainbow never deserved the title.
What's wrong with me? I'm going soft... Damn it.

Suddenly, I realize the Sun is high up in the sky again. I close my eyes and shake my head, and when I open them again, it's still mid-day. Well, that was peculiar.

I pretty quickly came to realize that nothing in Equestria makes much sense. Ponies don't make sense, and most magic-related shit makes the opposite of sense, whatever that may be.

Seriously, it's like Discord and Pinkie Pie had sex, giving birth to some weird ass kids, then those kids fucked each other, and their retarded offspring fucked both their parents. And that resulted in Equestria's laws of physics.
Or something.

Alright so, what do I have to do now? I take out a small note from my pocket (seriously how much shit do I have in those pockets?) and read it.

'TO-DO LIST. #1: Get laid. #2: -'

I didn't need a list to remember that. And there's no #2. Well, I might as well go and try to do what I have to do. I have a whole afternoon to try and do what I haven't managed to do in years.
Ain't gonna happen.

A man's gotta try, though. I'm try harding. Tryharding, even.
I keep walking, thinking about the mares I know, and which ones could be interested in... stuff. I can't get much solo brainstorming done though, as once again something comes barreling into my sides, this time knocking me over.

---

A/N: The song I 'sing' is 'The Avatar', by the British extreme power metal band Ascension.