Act I Scene III

Twilight Sparkle: So Harry's perilous journey took three weeks, and Lady Larken had all but given up hope that he would return with a princess. But then, on one sunny morning in mid-April, she looked out in the north tower and spotted two distant figures approaching. The alarm spread, "Sir Harry's back! Sir Harry's back with a new princess!" Now, let's see; how does this go in the original story?

On a stormy night, through the castle door

Came the lass the prince have been waiting for

That, of course, is utterly untrue. I don't know where they come up with these things. It wasn't raining that night, and it wasn't even night. The princess only looked as if she was in a storm.

(The cast is gathered at the front of the castle as Pinkie Pie enters soaking wet.)

Pinkie Pie: Actually, I swam the moat! But, never mind that. There's a nice draft over here. If stand right here, I'll be dry in no time!

Spike: Look, Mama! She's all wet!

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Dr. Whooves: We tried to stop her, but she wouldn't wait for the drawbridge!

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Vinyl Scratch: She seemed determined to arrive as soon as possible.

Octavia: We had to get a rope and pull her out.

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Pinkie Pie: Alright, so I was a little anxious. My friend, Sir Harry… he's still out there, he told me you had an opening for a princess; any princess. So I figured the early bird! (Laughs) Anyway, here I am! Who's the lucky man?

Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?

Snips: Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no

Pinkie Pie: Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?

Snails: Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no

Pinkie Pie: Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you or you or you or you or—

Spike: Nonny, nonny, noony, nonny, nonny, noony—

Celestia: No, no, no!

Pinkie Pie: Someone's being bashful

That's no way to be

Not with me, can't you see

That I am just as embarrassed as you

And I can understand your point of view

I've… always… been… SHY! I confess it, I'm shy!

Can't you guess that this confident air

Is a mask that I wear 'cos I'm shy

And you may be sure, way down deep, I'm demure

Though some people I know might deny it

At bottom, I'm quiet and pure

I'm aware that it's wrong to be meek as I am

My chances may pass me by

I pretend to be strong, but as weak as I am

All I can do is try

God knows I've tried! Though I'm frightened and shy

And despite the impression I give

I confess that I'm living a lie

Because I'm actually terribly timid

And horribly shy!

Though a lady may be dripping with glamour

As often as not, she would stumble and stammer

When suddenly confronted with romance

And she's likely to fall on her face

When she's finally face to face with a pair of pants

Quite often the lady's not as hard to please as she seems

Quite often she'll settle for something less than the man of her dreams

I'm going fishing for a mate

Ensemble: She's going fishing for a mate

Pinkie Pie: I'm gonna look in every brook

Ensemble: She's gonna look in every brook

Pinkie Pie: But how much longer must I wait

With baited breath and hook

(Dance break)

Oh that was WONDERFUL!

And that is why, though I'm painfully shy

I'm insane to know which sir? You, sir?

Boys: Not I, sir!

Pinkie Pie: Then who, sir?

Where, sir and when, sir

I couldn't be tenser

So let's get this done, man

Get on with the fun, man

I am one man

Ensemble: The lady's one man

All: SHY!

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Pinkie Pie: Does she ever say anything besides "you swam the moat?"

Bon Bon: Why don't you ask her yourself?

Pinkie Pie: Excuse me! Do you ever say anything besides "you swam the—

Celestia: Do YOU mean to ask ME to believe that YOU'RE a true princess of the royal blood? That you have the nerve and the balls and the presumption to hold my son's hand in marriage?

Spike: Mama, may I say something please?

Celestia: No! (To Pinkie Pie) Can you imagine for one moment that I would even consider you suitable? My son isn't marrying any moat-swimmer! (The ensemble gasps) Not while I have a breath in my body! And I haven't been well! I have this dreadful pain right over here. (She points to her neck) And DON'T try to tell me it's the vapors. I know what the vapors are!

(Pinkie Pie attempts to leave the castle)

Pinkie Pie: I'm leaving! This place is a nuthouse!

(The ensemble stops her and Spike cries)

Spike: NO! WAIT! PLEASE!

Pinkie Pie: You're the one, I guess.

Spike: Sure. I'm Dauntless the drab.

Pinkie Pie: Well, it was nice meeting ya!

(She attempts to leave again, but the ensemble stops her again)

Ensemble: Wait! Don't leave!

Spike: We like you! We all like you! Well, almost everyone.

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I would love to stay, but I wouldn't want to come between you and your mother.

Ensemble: Don't leave! Stay! Wait! Don't go! Etc.

Pinkie Pie: No, I must face the facts, cut my losses, and go back to the swamps.

Ensemble: No!

Spike: But I really like you.

Pinkie Pie: Oh, you do? (Giggles) But why?

Spike: You swam the moat!

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I know I swam the moat, but that's not me. I'm actually very… shy!

(She trips and falls back into the moat. The ensemble freaks out.)

Lyra: LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!

(The ensemble keeps on freaking out)

Spike: I like her, Mama. She swam the moat! Twice! Can I marry her, Mama? Please?

Celestia: No! No, sweetheart! When you marry, if you marry, you will marry someone—

(Rainbow Dash runs in)

Rainbow Dash: WAIT! I have the honor to announce the arrival of her royal highness… the Princess Winifred!

(Silence)

Celestia: You're a little late. She's been here and gone.

Rainbow Dash: Gone?

Celestia: Yes. She's swimming home. That, Sir Harry, is no princess!

Rainbow Dash: But she is, your majesty. I swear that she is. I have her paperwork right here. (He unfurls a long scroll and reads from it) "Winifred; princess of Ecomkhil; guardian of the mid-guard serpents; and warden of the marsh-lily." The inscription on her crest reads, "asfrioensmdrondk."

(Everyone is confused)

Spike: What?

Celestia: What does that mean?

Rainbow Dash: Um… well, it roughly means that—

Celestia: Never mind.

Spike: You see, Mama? She IS a real princess.

Ensemble: She is a real princess. She looks like a princess to me. Etc.

Spike: Can you give her a test? For me? Please?

Celestia: Alright; we'll test her. The wizard and I will put on our thinking caps and we'll come up with a test that will prove that she cannot be a princess. We'll test her for—

Derpy: (From offstage) I think I got her leg!

Pinkie Pie: (From offstage) That's not my leg!

Celestia: How crude! We'll test her for… sensitivity. We'll come up with a test and she'll fail just like all the others; fair and square.

(She exits, Pinkie Pie re-enters)

Pinkie Pie: Fail what?

Spike: The royalty test; you see, every princess has to pass a test to prove that they're a real princess.

Pinkie Pie: Well, I'll worry about that later. Right now, I need to get out of these wet clothes.

Spike: Say, can I show you part of the castle on the way to your room?

(He winks at Pinkie Pie)

Pinkie Pie: Sure.

(She giggles)

Spike: You're really nice.

Pinkie Pie: Well you're nicer.

Spike: Well you're very good-looking.

Pinkie Pie: Well you're better looking.

Spike: Well you're a better swimmer.