Act I Scene I

Luna: Are you ready for the next question?

Rarity: Uh-huh!

Luna: This next question concerns famous rulers. Are you quite ready?

Rarity: (Nervously) Well, I guess so.

Luna: Well then, name three kings.

(Rarity thinks for a while as the first half of the theme from Jeopardy plays)

Rarity: Can you repeat the question please?

Ensemble: Name three kings!

Rarity: Alright! Alright!

Lyra: Is this a trial?

Bon Bon: No, it's the royal test to see if she's a true princess.

Scootaloo: Well does it matter if she's a true princess?

Fluttershy: Yeah. It says in the prophecy, "throughout the land, no one may wed, till Dauntless shares his marriage bed." Until the prince gets married, none of us can.

Rarity: King Arthur, King Edward, and King Eldred!

(Silence)

Luna: That is absolutely correct!

(The crowd cheers)

Spike: She's really smart, mama. She's the best one yet! Can I just marry her? Please?

Celestia: No, sweetheart, there's still one more question.

Luna: You have now reached the seventh plateau and here is your final question. It's divided into four parts and it concerns the knight of the Red Cross. Number 1, what was his name? Number 2, what beast did he slay? Number 3, how many rows of teeth did the beast have and what kind? And number 4, what was the middle name of the daughter-in-law of the best friend of the blacksmith that made the sword that killed the beast?

Rarity: Number 1, Saint Peter, number 2, a dragon, number 3, twelve rows of teeth and they were iron, and number 4… can you repeat the question?

Luna: What was the middle name of the daughter-in-law of the best friend of the blacksmith that made the sword that killed the beast?

Rarity: The middle name?

Luna: Yes.

Rarity: Of the daughter-in-law?

Luna: Yes! Now what is your final answer?

(The second half of the theme from Jeopardy plays)

Rarity: It's… it's… it's…

Luna: Ooooh! Time's up! Terribly sorry!

(Rarity cries)

Ensemble: NO!

Celestia: Too bad, my dear, too bad. You do show a certain… aptitude, but as for the true brilliance of royalty, well, I'm afraid not. However, to show that there are no heart feelings, I have a consolation prize for you. (She hands Rarity a rubber chicken) Goodbye, good luck, and get out! (She pushes Rarity out the door) Dauntless, dear, stop pouting; it's nearly time for your cocoa. Come on.

(She, Big Macintosh, and Luna exit)

Spike: Oh, I liked her

Fluttershy: So did I

Spike: Why must every princess get the bird?

Apple Bloom: It's just absurd

Sweetie Belle: I never heard a test so difficult to pass

Spike: Alas, a lass is what I lack

I lack a lass, alas, a lack

Boys (Girls): Throughout the land no one may wed

Till Dauntless shares his marriage bed (oh…)

Girls: The lonely spinster's life

Go and get the prince a royal wife!

Ensemble: We have an opening for a princess

For a genuine, certified princess

Girls: Tell us when you intend to end this dilemma we're in

Boys: None of the ladies give a fit for living in sin

Ensemble: We have an opening for a princess

For a beautiful, bonified princess

Girls: Where's the dutiful knight to right all the wrong we've been done?

Boys: None of the ladies are having any fun

Girls (Boys): What to do? (What to do?)

What to do? (What to do?)

Pity the ladies in waiting

Boys: Pity the gentlemen too!

Girls: Four!

Boys: Six!

Girls: Eight!

Ensemble: Ten! Eleven! Twelve contenders in a row

Boys: They came, they were tested

Girls (Boys): Then swiftly requested to

Go for a princess (Blow the trumpet)

For a genuine, certified princess (Sound the fife)

Tell us, when you intend to send us a girl who can pass (Go)

(And get the prince a royal wife)

Boys: None of the ladies are having any

Ensemble: No one is having any

No one is getting any younger

And it's been god knows how long since

We have an opening for a princess

Who's good enough, nice enough, sweet enough, smart enough,

Rich enough for our poor prince!