Once Upon a Mattress (My Little Pony Style)

Cast:

Jester: Applejack

Princess Winifred: Pinkie Pie

Prince Dauntless: Spike

Queen Aggravain: Princess Celestia

King Sextimus: Big Macintosh

Lady Larken: Fluttershy

Sir Harry: Rainbow Dash

Minstrel: Twilight Sparkle

Wizard: Princess Luna

Wizard's Apprentice: The Great and Powerful Trixie

Princess #12/Emily: Rarity

Ensemble: Every other Pony

Act I Prologue

Twilight Sparkle: Many moons ago in a far-off place

Lived a handsome prince with a gloomy face

For he did not have a bride

Oh he sighed "alas" and he pined, alas

But alas, the prince couldn't find a lass

Who would suit his mother's pride

For a princess is a delicate thing

Delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing

You can recognize a lady by her elegant air

But a genuine princess is exceedingly rare

On a stormy night to the castle door

Came the lass the prince have been waiting for

"I'm a princess lost," quoth she

But the queen was cool and remained aloof

And she said "perhaps, but we need some proof;

I'll prepare a test and see,"

"I will test her thus," the old queen said. "I'll put twenty downy mattresses upon her bed. And beneath those twenty mattresses I'll place one tiny pea. If that pea disturbs her slumber, then a true princess is she!"

Now the bed was soft, and extremely tall

But the dainty lass didn't sleep at all

And she told them so next day

Said the queen, "my dear, if you felt that pea,

Then we've proof enough of your royalty

Let the wedding music play!"

And the people shouted quietly…

Ensemble: (Quietly, from off-screen) "Hooray!"

Twilight Sparkle: For a princess is a delicate thing

Delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing

You can recognize a lady by her elegant air

But a genuine princess is exceedingly rare

There are many versions of this story. I sing them all. This is the prettiest one, but it's not quite accurate. I happen to know the true story of the princess and the pea, for the very good reason that I was there. It all started in a small kingdom ruled by a talkative queen, and a mute king. The princess in the true story was not the only one that was tested. She was one of thirteen girls; girls that came to the castle hoping to wed the prince. But for some reason or another, none of them were found suitable. As a matter of fact, the day I remembered, they were testing princess number twelve.