Once Upon a Mattress (My Little Pony Style)

Cast:

Jester: Applejack

Princess Winifred: Pinkie Pie

Prince Dauntless: Spike

Queen Aggravain: Princess Celestia

King Sextimus: Big Macintosh

Lady Larken: Fluttershy

Sir Harry: Rainbow Dash

Minstrel: Twilight Sparkle

Wizard: Princess Luna

Wizard's Apprentice: The Great and Powerful Trixie

Princess #12/Emily: Rarity

Ensemble: Every other Pony

Act I Prologue

Twilight Sparkle: Many moons ago in a far-off place

Lived a handsome prince with a gloomy face

For he did not have a bride

Oh he sighed "alas" and he pined, alas

But alas, the prince couldn't find a lass

Who would suit his mother's pride

For a princess is a delicate thing

Delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing

You can recognize a lady by her elegant air

But a genuine princess is exceedingly rare

On a stormy night to the castle door

Came the lass the prince have been waiting for

"I'm a princess lost," quoth she

But the queen was cool and remained aloof

And she said "perhaps, but we need some proof;

I'll prepare a test and see,"

"I will test her thus," the old queen said. "I'll put twenty downy mattresses upon her bed. And beneath those twenty mattresses I'll place one tiny pea. If that pea disturbs her slumber, then a true princess is she!"

Now the bed was soft, and extremely tall

But the dainty lass didn't sleep at all

And she told them so next day

Said the queen, "my dear, if you felt that pea,

Then we've proof enough of your royalty

Let the wedding music play!"

And the people shouted quietly…

Ensemble: (Quietly, from off-screen) "Hooray!"

Twilight Sparkle: For a princess is a delicate thing

Delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing

You can recognize a lady by her elegant air

But a genuine princess is exceedingly rare

There are many versions of this story. I sing them all. This is the prettiest one, but it's not quite accurate. I happen to know the true story of the princess and the pea, for the very good reason that I was there. It all started in a small kingdom ruled by a talkative queen, and a mute king. The princess in the true story was not the only one that was tested. She was one of thirteen girls; girls that came to the castle hoping to wed the prince. But for some reason or another, none of them were found suitable. As a matter of fact, the day I remembered, they were testing princess number twelve.

Act I Scene I

Luna: Are you ready for the next question?

Rarity: Uh-huh!

Luna: This next question concerns famous rulers. Are you quite ready?

Rarity: (Nervously) Well, I guess so.

Luna: Well then, name three kings.

(Rarity thinks for a while as the first half of the theme from Jeopardy plays)

Rarity: Can you repeat the question please?

Ensemble: Name three kings!

Rarity: Alright! Alright!

Lyra: Is this a trial?

Bon Bon: No, it's the royal test to see if she's a true princess.

Scootaloo: Well does it matter if she's a true princess?

Fluttershy: Yeah. It says in the prophecy, "throughout the land, no one may wed, till Dauntless shares his marriage bed." Until the prince gets married, none of us can.

Rarity: King Arthur, King Edward, and King Eldred!

(Silence)

Luna: That is absolutely correct!

(The crowd cheers)

Spike: She's really smart, mama. She's the best one yet! Can I just marry her? Please?

Celestia: No, sweetheart, there's still one more question.

Luna: You have now reached the seventh plateau and here is your final question. It's divided into four parts and it concerns the knight of the Red Cross. Number 1, what was his name? Number 2, what beast did he slay? Number 3, how many rows of teeth did the beast have and what kind? And number 4, what was the middle name of the daughter-in-law of the best friend of the blacksmith that made the sword that killed the beast?

Rarity: Number 1, Saint Peter, number 2, a dragon, number 3, twelve rows of teeth and they were iron, and number 4… can you repeat the question?

Luna: What was the middle name of the daughter-in-law of the best friend of the blacksmith that made the sword that killed the beast?

Rarity: The middle name?

Luna: Yes.

Rarity: Of the daughter-in-law?

Luna: Yes! Now what is your final answer?

(The second half of the theme from Jeopardy plays)

Rarity: It's… it's… it's…

Luna: Ooooh! Time's up! Terribly sorry!

(Rarity cries)

Ensemble: NO!

Celestia: Too bad, my dear, too bad. You do show a certain… aptitude, but as for the true brilliance of royalty, well, I'm afraid not. However, to show that there are no heart feelings, I have a consolation prize for you. (She hands Rarity a rubber chicken) Goodbye, good luck, and get out! (She pushes Rarity out the door) Dauntless, dear, stop pouting; it's nearly time for your cocoa. Come on.

(She, Big Macintosh, and Luna exit)

Spike: Oh, I liked her

Fluttershy: So did I

Spike: Why must every princess get the bird?

Apple Bloom: It's just absurd

Sweetie Belle: I never heard a test so difficult to pass

Spike: Alas, a lass is what I lack

I lack a lass, alas, a lack

Boys (Girls): Throughout the land no one may wed

Till Dauntless shares his marriage bed (oh…)

Girls: The lonely spinster's life

Go and get the prince a royal wife!

Ensemble: We have an opening for a princess

For a genuine, certified princess

Girls: Tell us when you intend to end this dilemma we're in

Boys: None of the ladies give a fit for living in sin

Ensemble: We have an opening for a princess

For a beautiful, bonified princess

Girls: Where's the dutiful knight to right all the wrong we've been done?

Boys: None of the ladies are having any fun

Girls (Boys): What to do? (What to do?)

What to do? (What to do?)

Pity the ladies in waiting

Boys: Pity the gentlemen too!

Girls: Four!

Boys: Six!

Girls: Eight!

Ensemble: Ten! Eleven! Twelve contenders in a row

Boys: They came, they were tested

Girls (Boys): Then swiftly requested to

Go for a princess (Blow the trumpet)

For a genuine, certified princess (Sound the fife)

Tell us, when you intend to send us a girl who can pass (Go)

(And get the prince a royal wife)

Boys: None of the ladies are having any

Ensemble: No one is having any

No one is getting any younger

And it's been god knows how long since

We have an opening for a princess

Who's good enough, nice enough, sweet enough, smart enough,

Rich enough for our poor prince!

Act I Scene II

(Luna, Applejack, Twilight Sparkle, and Trixie enter)

Applejack: Sir Wizard!

Luna: WHAT?!

Applejack: Well excuse me, Sir Wizard! We have to take the Minstrel to meet with the castle steward!

Trixie: Right this way, please!

Twilight Sparkle: I'm on my way to Normandy. I won't be staying long.

(She and Trixie exit)

Luna: You know, for your father's sake, I've put a good deal through you, just because we were in show business together. We don't presume.

(She hits Applejack in the stomach with a rubber chicken and they exit. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash enter.)

Fluttershy: My darling Sir Harry! You missed the test.

Rainbow Dash: (Laughs) Silly Larken; my new responsibilities keep me busy.

Fluttershy: The latest princess was a failure.

Rainbow Dash: (Gasps) No!

Fluttershy: Yes!

Rainbow Dash: Bad luck! But do not despair, for we have plenty of time. If a new princess is not found in the next few months, then I shall go out and find one myself. Or else, I don't deserve to wear my spurs.

Fluttershy: Harry, do you remember that royal joust that Sunday when you won those spurs?

Rainbow Dash: Yes.

Fluttershy: And did you recall Sir Harry, the fairest and bravest knight in all the land and everyone said that you had a promising future ahead of you that you may one day become Prime Minister?

Rainbow Dash: (Laughs) I don't know about Prime Minister.

Fluttershy: Do you remember that picnic we had on the green tarp with the lovely cold pheasants?

Rainbow Dash: Yes.

Fluttershy: And you and I wandered away from the others to climb the hill and watch the sun go down?

Rainbow Dash: Yes.

Fluttershy: And there was a lark singing in the tree and you said that you'll remember this moment forever because the lark's song reminded you of my name?

Rainbow Dash: (Glomps on Fluttershy) Yes.

Fluttershy: Well, you see… I'm going to have a baby. (Rainbow Dash gives Fluttershy a blank stare) So the princess for Dauntless must be found soon or else, I have to go away somewhere. (She starts to cry)

Rainbow Dash: Well why should we both suffer for the rest of our lives because you had a moment of weakness?

Fluttershy: Oh, Harry!

(She hugs Rainbow Dash)

Rainbow Dash: Well, nobody's perfect. Everything's going to be alright.

Fluttershy: Oh, thank you, Harry!

Rainbow Dash: It won't be long, it won't be long

It won't because it can't be long

Before our dream comes true

Because you know, I don't belong

And, furthermore, I shan't belong

To anyone but you

Fluttershy: In a little while, just a little while

You and I will be one, two, three, four

In a little while I will see a smile

On the face of my son-to-be

Forever hand in glove

Is the way I have it planned

But I'll only stay in love

If the glove contains your hand

In a velvet gown

I'll be coming down the isle

And it's bound to see as though

The waiting's only been a little, in a little while

Rainbow Dash: How soon, my love?

Fluttershy: November.

Rainbow Dash: November?

Fluttershy: My time is at a premium

For soon the world will see me a

Maternal bride-to-be

I know I mustn't worry, Harry

Still, I wish you'd hurry, Harry

Harry, marry me

Rainbow Dash: In a little while, just a little while

You and I will be one, two, three, four

In a little while, I will see a smile

On the face of our son-to-be

Forever hand in glove

Is the way I have it planned

But I'll only stay in love

If the glove contains your hand

I can see it all

Down to every small detail

And I wish you'd look around until you found

A castle in the neighborhood for sale

(Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash exit. Spike, Celestia, and Luna enter.)

Celestia: Dauntless, Pick up your feet, for heaven's sake. (Spike mocks her) And don't squint. I told you to never look at the sun.

Spike: (Annoyed) yes, mama.

Celestia: That's better. (Big Mac enters, chasing Cherilee. Cherilee giggles as she exits.) Sextimus! (Big Mac stops running) I told you once! I told you a hundred thousand times! I will not have you playing these foolish games and running around the halls!

Spike: Mama!

Celestia: It just isn't dignified!

Spike: Mama!

Celestia: We are the rulers of this kingdom and if we can't set a proper example for the people then no one ever will!

Spike: Mama!

Celestia: I mean what's the point of being a ruler if you keep behaving like a child?

Spike: Mama!

Celestia: WHAT?!

Spike: Mama, when am I gonna get my princess?

(Cherilee enters again and Big Mac chases her offstage.)

Celestia: Um, Dauntless, I don't want to discuss that right now. It's nearly time for—

Spike: Mama, sometimes I have the feeling that you don't want me to get married.

Celestia: Don't want you to get married? Dauntless, don't you trust me?

Spike: Well yes, Mama, but—

Celestia: Well then, how could you say such a thing? I do want you to get married. Just this morning I was talking to your father and I was saying "Sextimus, I want that boy to get married. It just isn't normal for a boy his age to stay single. After all, he is the prince and he is growing up; don't forget that. I mean we're not the oldest people in the world, but on the other hand, we're not going to live forever and I know that I will be much better, much easier, and much more relaxed in my mind if that boy were married and settled and set." And that was absolutely exactly what I said to your father this morning. (Spike mocks her) Of course, he didn't say anything. He never does, but you know him just as well as I do, you know how impossible he is. I don't want you to worry your head one tiny bit about that fact that your father and I don't belong, and never had. If he makes me miserable and he makes me suffer, well, I'll just have to put up with it. But I will not allow it to affect my child's attitude toward him and he may be a mean, nasty, selfish, dreadful man, but he is your father and I want you to respect him.

Spike: (Stage-whispers to the audience) Oh god, will she ever stop talking?

Celestia: There is only one person who really cares about your health, your happiness, and your future, and I want you to make myself absolutely clear. I want you to get married. I don't want you marry just any one; after all, marriage is a lifetime partnership. (She starts to cry) I wouldn't want you to mess up your life the way I did and wind up miserable the way I did and, after all you're the prince and you should marry someone who's suitable enough, and good enough, and nice enough, or, my beautiful darling baby boy, oh, and she must be a princess. That is the one thing that I absolutely insist upon. She must be a real, genuine, bonified princess; just as I was. That's what you want, isn't it? Someone like me?

Spike: Well—

Celestia: Of course, you do. Oh god, if only I were twenty years younger. (Cuts to Applejack, who plays the "punch-line drum" rim shot, then cuts back to the ongoing scene) But remember this, you must trust me.

(Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash enter)

Fluttershy: Your highness! Your majesty!

Spike: Hiya, Harry!

Celestia: Don't interrupt! (To Fluttershy) Well,

Fluttershy: Sir Harry wishes to speak to you, your majesty.

Celestia: Well,

Rainbow Dash: Your highness, I have the honor to request a perilous journey. I wish to search for a true princess; one who will not only suit you, your majesty, but Prince Dauntless as well.

Celestia: No!

Spike: But mama!

Celestia: No, no, no! We've been through all the princesses in all the neighboring kingdoms and there are none left. We'll simply have to wait until all the younger sisters grow up; and that'll take years.

Rainbow Dash: But, your highness, I plan to head north, over the mountains…

Celestia: Over the mountains?

Rainbow Dash: …And across the badlands, and into the swamplands, where the beautiful swamp-lily grows.

Celestia: Into the swamplands? Are you out of your mind?!

Spike: Mama!

Celestia: There isn't anything there but frogs and tadpoles and things and do you even know what the weather there is like?

Spike: Mama!

Celestia: It's humid and foggy and—

Spike: MAMA! Just let Sir Harry try!

Celestia: ALRIGHT!

Spike: Yay!

Celestia: Come along, Dauntless; you've missed your cocoa.

(She exits)

Spike: Good luck, Harry. Good luck.

(He exits)

Rainbow Dash: Don't worry, my dear Larken. I will find a true princess; one that will be able to pass the queen's test.

Fluttershy: I believe in you, Harry. We will be waiting for you.

Rainbow Dash: We?

Fluttershy: You know; and here; take this.

(She hands Rainbow Dash a handkerchief)

Rainbow Dash: I will keep it close to my heart.

Fluttershy: In a little while, just a little while

You and I will be one, two, three, four

Rainbow Dash: In a little while, I will see a smile

On the face of our son-to-be

Forever hand in glove

Is the way I have it planned

But I'll only stay in love

If the glove contains your hand

Both: In a velvet gown

I'll/you'll be coming down the isle

And it's bound to see as though

The waiting's only been a little, in a little while

Act I Scene III

Twilight Sparkle: So Harry's perilous journey took three weeks, and Lady Larken had all but given up hope that he would return with a princess. But then, on one sunny morning in mid-April, she looked out in the north tower and spotted two distant figures approaching. The alarm spread, "Sir Harry's back! Sir Harry's back with a new princess!" Now, let's see; how does this go in the original story?

On a stormy night, through the castle door

Came the lass the prince have been waiting for

That, of course, is utterly untrue. I don't know where they come up with these things. It wasn't raining that night, and it wasn't even night. The princess only looked as if she was in a storm.

(The cast is gathered at the front of the castle as Pinkie Pie enters soaking wet.)

Pinkie Pie: Actually, I swam the moat! But, never mind that. There's a nice draft over here. If stand right here, I'll be dry in no time!

Spike: Look, Mama! She's all wet!

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Dr. Whooves: We tried to stop her, but she wouldn't wait for the drawbridge!

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Vinyl Scratch: She seemed determined to arrive as soon as possible.

Octavia: We had to get a rope and pull her out.

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Pinkie Pie: Alright, so I was a little anxious. My friend, Sir Harry… he's still out there, he told me you had an opening for a princess; any princess. So I figured the early bird! (Laughs) Anyway, here I am! Who's the lucky man?

Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?

Snips: Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no

Pinkie Pie: Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?

Snails: Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no

Pinkie Pie: Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you or you or you or you or—

Spike: Nonny, nonny, noony, nonny, nonny, noony—

Celestia: No, no, no!

Pinkie Pie: Someone's being bashful

That's no way to be

Not with me, can't you see

That I am just as embarrassed as you

And I can understand your point of view

I've… always… been… SHY! I confess it, I'm shy!

Can't you guess that this confident air

Is a mask that I wear 'cos I'm shy

And you may be sure, way down deep, I'm demure

Though some people I know might deny it

At bottom, I'm quiet and pure

I'm aware that it's wrong to be meek as I am

My chances may pass me by

I pretend to be strong, but as weak as I am

All I can do is try

God knows I've tried! Though I'm frightened and shy

And despite the impression I give

I confess that I'm living a lie

Because I'm actually terribly timid

And horribly shy!

Though a lady may be dripping with glamour

As often as not, she would stumble and stammer

When suddenly confronted with romance

And she's likely to fall on her face

When she's finally face to face with a pair of pants

Quite often the lady's not as hard to please as she seems

Quite often she'll settle for something less than the man of her dreams

I'm going fishing for a mate

Ensemble: She's going fishing for a mate

Pinkie Pie: I'm gonna look in every brook

Ensemble: She's gonna look in every brook

Pinkie Pie: But how much longer must I wait

With baited breath and hook

(Dance break)

Oh that was WONDERFUL!

And that is why, though I'm painfully shy

I'm insane to know which sir? You, sir?

Boys: Not I, sir!

Pinkie Pie: Then who, sir?

Where, sir and when, sir

I couldn't be tenser

So let's get this done, man

Get on with the fun, man

I am one man

Ensemble: The lady's one man

All: SHY!

Celestia: You swam the moat?

Pinkie Pie: Does she ever say anything besides "you swam the moat?"

Bon Bon: Why don't you ask her yourself?

Pinkie Pie: Excuse me! Do you ever say anything besides "you swam the—

Celestia: Do YOU mean to ask ME to believe that YOU'RE a true princess of the royal blood? That you have the nerve and the balls and the presumption to hold my son's hand in marriage?

Spike: Mama, may I say something please?

Celestia: No! (To Pinkie Pie) Can you imagine for one moment that I would even consider you suitable? My son isn't marrying any moat-swimmer! (The ensemble gasps) Not while I have a breath in my body! And I haven't been well! I have this dreadful pain right over here. (She points to her neck) And DON'T try to tell me it's the vapors. I know what the vapors are!

(Pinkie Pie attempts to leave the castle)

Pinkie Pie: I'm leaving! This place is a nuthouse!

(The ensemble stops her and Spike cries)

Spike: NO! WAIT! PLEASE!

Pinkie Pie: You're the one, I guess.

Spike: Sure. I'm Dauntless the drab.

Pinkie Pie: Well, it was nice meeting ya!

(She attempts to leave again, but the ensemble stops her again)

Ensemble: Wait! Don't leave!

Spike: We like you! We all like you! Well, almost everyone.

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I would love to stay, but I wouldn't want to come between you and your mother.

Ensemble: Don't leave! Stay! Wait! Don't go! Etc.

Pinkie Pie: No, I must face the facts, cut my losses, and go back to the swamps.

Ensemble: No!

Spike: But I really like you.

Pinkie Pie: Oh, you do? (Giggles) But why?

Spike: You swam the moat!

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I know I swam the moat, but that's not me. I'm actually very… shy!

(She trips and falls back into the moat. The ensemble freaks out.)

Lyra: LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE!

(The ensemble keeps on freaking out)

Spike: I like her, Mama. She swam the moat! Twice! Can I marry her, Mama? Please?

Celestia: No! No, sweetheart! When you marry, if you marry, you will marry someone—

(Rainbow Dash runs in)

Rainbow Dash: WAIT! I have the honor to announce the arrival of her royal highness… the Princess Winifred!

(Silence)

Celestia: You're a little late. She's been here and gone.

Rainbow Dash: Gone?

Celestia: Yes. She's swimming home. That, Sir Harry, is no princess!

Rainbow Dash: But she is, your majesty. I swear that she is. I have her paperwork right here. (He unfurls a long scroll and reads from it) "Winifred; princess of Ecomkhil; guardian of the mid-guard serpents; and warden of the marsh-lily." The inscription on her crest reads, "asfrioensmdrondk."

(Everyone is confused)

Spike: What?

Celestia: What does that mean?

Rainbow Dash: Um… well, it roughly means that—

Celestia: Never mind.

Spike: You see, Mama? She IS a real princess.

Ensemble: She is a real princess. She looks like a princess to me. Etc.

Spike: Can you give her a test? For me? Please?

Celestia: Alright; we'll test her. The wizard and I will put on our thinking caps and we'll come up with a test that will prove that she cannot be a princess. We'll test her for—

Derpy: (From offstage) I think I got her leg!

Pinkie Pie: (From offstage) That's not my leg!

Celestia: How crude! We'll test her for… sensitivity. We'll come up with a test and she'll fail just like all the others; fair and square.

(She exits, Pinkie Pie re-enters)

Pinkie Pie: Fail what?

Spike: The royalty test; you see, every princess has to pass a test to prove that they're a real princess.

Pinkie Pie: Well, I'll worry about that later. Right now, I need to get out of these wet clothes.

Spike: Say, can I show you part of the castle on the way to your room?

(He winks at Pinkie Pie)

Pinkie Pie: Sure.

(She giggles)

Spike: You're really nice.

Pinkie Pie: Well you're nicer.

Spike: Well you're very good-looking.

Pinkie Pie: Well you're better looking.

Spike: Well you're a better swimmer.

Act I Scene IV

(Big Mac and Fluttershy enter)

Fluttershy: Your majesty! Your majesty! I'm so excited! Sir Harry's back and he brought a princess! Have you seen her? Neither have I! But I'm sure she's as delicate as an orange blossom and… he's back! He's back!

(She exits squealing. Applejack and Twilight Sparkle enter.)

Applejack: My father expected me to follow his footsteps, and I landed this jester job and… (He notices Big Mac) What's wrong? (Big Mac pantomimes "I'm worried") You're worried; about what? (Big Mac points to the door) Who? (Big Mac pantomimes "lady") A lady; which lady? (Big Mac holds up two fingers) Two syllables; first syllable. (Big Mac pantomimes "bird") A bird! It's some kind of bird. Hawk? Blue bird? Eagle? Lark?

(Big Mac nods.)

Twilight Sparkle: Lady Larken!

Applejack: And…

(Big Mac pantomimes "riding a horse")

Twilight Sparkle: A knight!

Applejack: Which knight?

(Big Mac pulls on Applejack's mane)

Twilight Sparkle: Sir Harry! (Big Mac nods and pantomimes "trouble") They're in trouble?

(Big Mac pantomimes "cradling a baby")

Applejack: She's going to have a baby?! Does anyone else know?

(Big Mac pantomimes "yes, Sir Harry")

Twilight Sparkle: Besides Sir Harry?

(Big Mac pantomimes "no, can you keep a secret?")

Applejack: Don't worry; we can keep a secret. But the question is, can you?

(Big Mac pantomimes "me? But I can't talk")

Twilight Sparkle: We know you can't talk; but you still manage to communicate.

Twilight Sparkle: Applejack: We have only two voices among us, and yet

There's a third voice, a voice in disguise

You'll be hearing a trio and not a duet

If you listen with both of your eyes

Kindly

(Big Mac pantomimes "listen")

With both of your

(Big Mac pantomimes "eyes")

We produce a unique and remarkable blend

When we raise our three voices on high

We're in perfect accord from beginning to

(Big Mac pantomimes "end")

Applejack: The king and the minstrel and I

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: Yet if one of our trio should ever depart

Then the others would languish and die

We're like three different people with only one

(Big Mac pantomimes "heart")

Twilight Sparkle: The king and the jester and I

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: Singing hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny

Hi diddle, diddle

Strike up a tune on the

(Big Mac pantomimes "fiddle")

Applejack: Oh the vendor makes wine from the grapes that he grows

Twilight Sparkle: Twenty barrels were lost last July

Both: Where they went is a secret that nopony

(Big Mac points to his nose, points to Twilight Sparkle, then Applejack, then himself)

Applejack: Oh the cook claims she's missing one chocolate cream roll

Twilight Sparkle: And a fish that was ready to fry

Both: Guess who's dining on pastries and filet of

(Big Mac points to the bottom of this foot, points to Twilight Sparkle, then Applejack, then himself)

Singing hey, nonny, nonny, hey, nonny, nonny

Needle and thimble

Crash us a clash on the

(Big Mac pantomimes "cymbals")

Applejack: It's been set up our king that his morals are loose

Twilight Sparkle: But the queen is much worse on the sly

Both: Well what's good for the gander is good for the…

(A mare is heard screaming from off-screen)

Twilight Sparkle: Say the king and the jester

Applejack: The king and the minstrel

Both: The

(Big Mac points to Twilight Sparkle)

And the

(Big Mac points to Applejack)

And

(Big Mac points to himself)

Act I Scene V

(Celestia and Luna enter)

Celestia: As if I didn't have enough trouble trying to protect my only son from any catch-penny princess that comes along; and now I'm surrounded by spies and traitors! Who shall I trust?

Luna: Me!

Celestia: No one! And now I have one of those… princesses to cope with. I am in no mood to sit in a stuffy chamber for hours and wrack my brain up just to think of a test for that… girl when I'm not feeling at all well! But, that's the way Dauntless wants it, so that's how it'll be. She'll have her test.

Luna: Well, her papers seem to be in order.

Celestia: I know! And the worst of it is that he actually seems to LIKE the girl! So we must think of a test that looks fair, and sounds fair, and seems fair, but isn't fair. If you got the idea for sensitivity I could've applauded right out loud. But exactly what?

Luna: Table manners?

Celestia: No, that's not hard enough.

Sensitivity, sensitivity

I'm just loaded with that

In this one word is the epitome

Of the aristocrat

Sensitive soul and sensitive stomach

Sensitive hands and feet

This is the blessing, also the curse

Of being the true elite

Common people don't know what

Exquisite agony is

Suffered by gentle people like me

Just get your hands off me!

Think of a tricky test for that wretched moat-swimming princess

Luna: Madam, may I suggest

Maybe we ought to—

Celestia: Don't take all night!

I'm not well, I need my rest

Not that I ever sleep on that lumpy mattress

Oh god, my back!

Sensitivity, bane of royalty

That bed's a torture rack!

Oh I hate to sound grumpy

But my nerves are so jumpy

I am sure I can feel any lump

Even if it were under the mattress and small as a pea

That's the answer! Under the mattress!

We'll test her tonight

One tiny pea beneath one downy mattress

Oh god! You're bright!

Any genuine princess would feel it

If she doesn't, she's through

Get the tiniest pea and order one mattress

No! Make it two!

Luna: Why not five?

Celestia: Ten, I think would be plenty

Better still make it twenty

And to play it safe in the event

Even that's not enough to insure that she sleeps

We'll give her a soothing sedative, won't we?

You can whip up a drink

Something stunning! Oh, but you're devilish

I love the way you think

She's insensitive, so insensitive

She'll fall asleep, no doubt

God! But you're clever! Brilliant! A genius!

You are divine! Get out!

(She pushes Luna out of the room)

Act I Scene VI

(Pinkie Pie, Spike, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo enter. Pinkie Pie is changed into a dryer dress.)

Pinkie Pie: This old thing is soaked! It sure is nice to be in some dry clothes.

(Applejack enters)

Applejack: Your majesty, the king has asked to meet the young lady.

Spike: Well that's weird. He never asks that.

Applejack: He heard that she swam the moat.

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, is your father anything like your mother? Because if he is—

Spike: No, my father's silent and—

Pinkie Pie: Never mind! I would love to meet him!

(Big Mac enters)

Spike: Hi, papa. This is Princess Winifred.

(Big Mac bows)

Applejack: Your highness, the king welcomes you. And he wishes that you pass the test tomorrow.

Pinkie Pie: Aww, well thanks.

(She giggles and Big Mac puts his crown to his heart.)

Spike: The king never touches his crown to his heart unless he really means it.

Applejack: Alas, the king is mute; or he would speak for himself. He's under a curse cast by a witch long ago before Prince Dauntless was born. The curse reads "the king will never talk until the mouse devours the hawk."

Pinkie Pie: Until the mouse devours the hawk? Well couldn't you just get a big mouse and a little hawk?

Spike: We tried that before, but the mouse ran away and the hawk bit daddy in the butt.

(Big Mac tries to show Pinkie Pie the scar, but Pinkie Pie stops him)

Pinkie Pie: Oh! Well… lemme get this test under my belt first and then we'll figure something out. Don't you worry. It certainly has been a pleasure meeting his majesty, but a short while ago; I had the "pleasure" of meeting her majesty. (To Spike) Now THAT is a nice man!

Applejack: Your majesty, I think it's about time to have that talk with Dauntless now.

Spike: Talk? About what?

Applejack: Your father feels that he's been neglecting his duties. And now that you're old enough to get married, he thinks that you both need to have a little talk, y'know, man-to-man?

Spike: You mean about… things? Right now?

(Big Mac tries to stop Applejack from saying anything else)

Applejack: Well, your majesty thinks it's better to wait till later. There are still some facts he needs to look up first.

(She and Big Mac exit)

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I certainly do like… almost both of your parents.

Spike: Well, we want you to be happy here. We know that it's not quite like what you're used to.

Pinkie Pie: Well it is a little hard making the adjustment to dry land and all. (the Cutie Mark Crusaders giggle) But I do! You see, where I come from, we don't have any dry land. Well, some of the poorer people do, but the nobility all live right in the swamps with their servants and pets.

Spike: Do you have any pets?

Pinkie Pie: Yes, lots!

Spike: Dogs?

Pinkie Pie: Frogs.

I come from the land of the foggy, foggy dew

Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

Where walking through the meadow in the morning

Is like walking through

Pinkie Pie, CMC's: Glue

Pinkie Pie: The swamps of home are brushed with green and gold

At break of day

Cutie Mark Crusaders: At break of day

Pinkie Pie: The swamps of home are lovely to behold

From far away

Cutie Mark Crusaders: From far away

Pinkie Pie: In my soul is the beauty of the bog

In my memory's the magic of the mud

Cutie Mark Crusaders: Mu-u-ud

Pinkie Pie: I know that blood is thicker than water

But the swamps of home are thicker than blood

Spike: Blo-o-od

Pinkie Pie: Where e'er I roam, my heart grows dank and cold

My face grows grey

When shadows fall and I hear the call…

Of the swamps of home

I hear them calling me now, calling me back

Calling me, "Winifred! Winifred! Winifred! Winifred!

Who do you think you are?

Girl of the swamp, you've gone too far!

Maid of the marshland, give up the struggle!"

Listen to the voice of the swamps,

Gluggle-uggle-uggle

Cutie Mark Crusaders: Gluggle-uggle-uggle

Pinkie Pie: Where e'er I roam, the whips of fate may smart

But deep down in my heart

One though would abide, and will ne'er be forgotten

Though I search far and wide, there is no land as rotten

Cutie Mark Crusaders: Rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten

Pinkie Pie: As the swamps of home

Spike, CMC's: The swamps of home

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I have to change now.

Spike: You do? Alright.

(He doesn't leave)

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, you know that it's bad luck to see too much of the bride before the wedding.

Spike: Oh!

(He runs off.)

Apple Bloom: Your highness, would you like to see your dresses now?

Pinkie Pie: Yes!

(Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo look for some dresses for Pinkie Pie until they find a flashy, hot-pink dress.)

Sweetie Belle: This dress is so you! (Laughs uncomfortably) Don't you think so, Lady Scootaloo?

Scootaloo: It's stunning!

(Pinkie Pie just stares blankly)

Apple Bloom: Would you like to see another?

Sweetie Belle: Do you have a favorite color?

Pinkie Pie: Well, back home we wear a lot of dark-green and earth-brown, I guess my favorite color would have to be the color of my other dress; huckleberry-pink. (Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo look at each other in disgust) I'll tell you what; why don't you leave the dresses here and the ones I can't use I'll send back.

Scootaloo: Very well, your highness. Ladies?

(She, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle throw the dresses on Pinkie Pie and exit. She puts the dresses down and accidently breaks a vase that's filled with water. She gets a cloth to wipe the spill. A knock is heard on the door.)

Pinkie Pie: Come in!

(Fluttershy and Rarity enter and see Pinkie Pie cleaning up.)

Fluttershy: I guess I won't need you, Emily. They already sent a girl to do the floor. (Rarity exits) Hello, you must be new here.

Pinkie Pie: Yes!

Fluttershy: Just remember, your job is just as important as everyone else's. (In her own world) Oh, dear Princess Winifred, you will pass the queen's test! You will! (To Pinkie Pie) Goodness, you can't clean this floor with such a tiny patch; you need a nice wet rag. (She throws a rag to Pinkie Pie) Oh, what a mess! What will the gentle princess think of me? Do you know what it means to be a lady-in-waiting to the dear Princess Winifred? (In her own world again) Oh, Winifred, Winifred, what a name sweeter than that? (She notices that the table is wet. She overreacts) Look at the table! It's dripping! It's dripping! I'll use this! (She grabs Pinkie Pie's other dress and uses it to clean the spill) Oh, what will the princess think of me? (A knock is heard on the door) Get that!

Pinkie Pie: Alright. (She gets the door, Rainbow Dash enters) Harry!

Rainbow Dash: Your highness.

Fluttershy: Your WHAT?!

Pinkie Pie: You don't have to go through all that with me. I have to say I'm sorry about earlier today. I hope that the whole swimming the moat thing didn't leave a bad first impression.

Rainbow Dash: Oh, not at all, your highness. If you just give your wet dress to one of the ladies-in-waiting, I'm sure that it would be taken care of.

Pinkie Pie: It's… already been taken care of.

Rainbow Dash: Well I see that you met my dear Lady Larken.

Pinkie Pie: So this is the little Larken girl.

Rainbow Dash: Yes, she is.

Pinkie Pie: Oh, well, Harry, she's beautiful… and a bundle of energy.

Rainbow Dash: When I gaze upon that captivating face, I realize how poor my description must've been.

Fluttershy: Sir Harry is not very good at describing people, your highness.

Pinkie Pie: Well, he may not know how to describe 'em, but he sure knows how to pick 'em! (She jokingly punches Rainbow Dash in the arm) Now, if you excuse me, I have to get these dresses back to the fourth floor.

(She grabs the dresses and exits)

Fluttershy: I've never been so humiliated in my life!

Rainbow Dash: What's the matter?

Fluttershy: I thought she was a chambermaid!

Rainbow Dash: (Gasps) Larken! How could you think the princess was a chambermaid?

Fluttershy: How could I? How could you mistake that chambermaid for a princess?

Rainbow Dash: Don't just say that because you made a stupid mistake.

Fluttershy: I made a mistake?! Don't you DARE try to blame this on me!

Rainbow Dash: I DO blame it on you!

Fluttershy: She was on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor!

Rainbow Dash: She was a LADY, wherever she's from, and that's more than I could say for… (She gives Fluttershy and annoyed look) some people around here.

Fluttershy: (Gasps) I HATE YOU!

Rainbow Dash: I HATE YOU MORE!

Fluttershy: GET OUT!

Rainbow Dash: DON'T WORRY, I'M LEAVING!

Fluttershy: FINE!

Rainbow Dash: FINE!

Fluttershy: GOOD!

Rainbow Dash: GOOD!

Act I Scene VII

(Celestia and Luna enter)

Celestia: …after all, YOU'RE a wizard. You should be able to think of something that will put princess… what's-her-name to sleep. Don't forget to whip up some of that sleeping potion. But the most important thing is that she's tired out first. (She thinks for a brief moment, and gasps) We'll have an official ball tonight! We'll make what's-her-name dance until she drops. Now, what can we do? Do you know any dances?

(Luna thinks for a brief moment)

Luna: …no

Celestia: (Gasps) I got it! We'll do that new dance; the Spanish Panic! Do you know it? (Luna dances awkwardly) Well it's absolutely exhausting! (She claps three times and the ensemble enters) Attention, everypony! We are going to have an official ball tonight; and everyone is to attend! We'll be doing that new dance; the Spanish Panic. So you might as well learn it right now. So the basic step is right foot, left foot, back step. Now let's all try it! (The ensemble grabs partners and faces each other.) Ready, everypony? Right foot, left foot… (The ensemble struggles with the dance.) Oh my. Okay, stop! Doesn't anyone here know the Spanish Panic? (Awkward silence) Again, doesn't anyone here know the Spanish Panic!?

(Lyra approaches Celestia)

Lyra: Yes, your majesty! I do!

(Bon Bon pushes Lyra to the ground)

Bon Bon: You mean WE do.

Celestia: Thank heavens somepony's up to date around here. Now everyone watch while our dancers, Lady Lyra and Lady Bon Bon demonstrate. (One verse of the music starts and Lyra and Bon Bon dance to the music. The rest of the ensemble applauds) Well, thank you, Lady Lyra and Lady Bon Bon. (To the rest of the ensemble) Now, was that hard?

Ensemble: No, of course not, etc.

Celestia: Suppose we all try it now. Take partners! Music! (The music starts as the rest of the ensemble dances atrociously.) Don't you just love it? Doesn't it make you want to fly?

(The ensemble exits, but Cherilee is the only one left on scene. While the music still plays, she dances awkwardly until the music stops. Big Mac comes in and chases her offstage. Rarity runs across the stage screaming, and Fluttershy runs across the stage with packed suitcases crying. Applejack and Big Mac enter.)

Applejack: What's wrong? (Big Mac points to the right of the stage.) You lost her? (Big Mac shakes her) Alright! I'll help! (They both look all over the stage until they go offstage. Cherilee and Rarity come back onstage. Applejack notices them.) I found them! I found them! (Cherilee and Rarity run offstage. Twilight Sparkle enters. Applejack stops Big Mac from running) I'll tell you what! We'll set a trap!

(Big Mac pantomimes "slipping on a banana peel")

Twilight Sparkle: You're exaggerating!

Applejack: Not a bit! Someone's coming!

(Big Mac hides under Applejack and lifts her up on his shoulders.)

Twilight Sparkle: Who?

(Derpy runs in flailing her arms)

Derpy: HURRY! THE QUEEN IS COMING! THE QUEEN IS COMING! HURRY!

Twilight Sparkle: The Queen!

(She and Big Mac, still with Applejack on his shoulders, run off stage. Big Mac makes Applejack run into the doorway and she falls off him. Big Mac helps her up and she exits, but Big Mac stays. Celestia and Luna enter)

Celestia: Now, this has to be the biggest, loudest ball we've ever had. And make sure to hire extra musicians for tonight's performance. Oh, and tell the jester I want him to dance tonight. Not that I'll be able to enjoy any of it, but my back and this nasty pain in my jaw and… oh god! Nopony will EVER know what I suffer!

(Celestia and Luna exit. Twilight Sparkle and Applejack re-enter.)

Twilight Sparkle: What was she blabbing about?

Applejack: She's gonna make us do something, isn't she. (Big Mac dances) Exercise! (Big Mac face-hoof's and falls to the floor) Someone else is coming!

(She and Twilight Sparkle exit and Fluttershy re-enters with the same suitcases crying again. Twilight Sparkle and Applejack re-enter.)

Twilight Sparkle: My lady! Is there something wrong?

Fluttershy: No

Applejack: Well we're glad you're okay, sugar-cube.

Fluttershy: (still crying) Well I was just sitting in my room sewing and I decided to come out here to get some air.

Applejack: Well it looks like you're planning to camp out for a while.

(Fluttershy cries some more)

Fluttershy: Your majesty! Your majesty! Do you have any idea what would happen with a relationship with a man and a woman? I'm glad it turned out this way! I'm leaving!

Twilight Sparkle: You're leaving?

Fluttershy: Yes! I'm leaving the service for the queen forever!

Applejack: That's a pretty big step to take all alone.

Fluttershy: I have no choice!

Twilight Sparkle: You're leaving forever!

Applejack: You need help!

Fluttershy: Who would help me?

Twilight Sparkle: Well, don't look at me!

(Big Mac pantomimes "riding a horse")

Applejack: (Laughs) what did you say? (Big Mac pantomimes "riding a horse" again) You want to help the lady Larken! (Big Mac nods) Who's gonna help you? (Big Mac points to her)

Twilight Sparkle: Well she would re-demand that you'd protect a damsel in distress.

Applejack: You say something, your majesty?

Twilight Sparkle: But she will have to travel light; the way a man does.

Applejack: Yes! We can steal one of Prince Dauntless's suits! You wait in the room while we get this stuff out of your sight!

Fluttershy: No, no, no! I don't need help from anypony! I can go alone!

Applejack: Over the walls?

Fluttershy: Yes! I don't need help from anypony!

Twilight Sparkle: Well, you'll be okay, once you get past the water rats.

Fluttershy: Rats?

Applejack: Oh yes; they live along the edges of the quicksand.

Fluttershy: Quicksand?

Twilight Sparkle: Beyond the wall which you must climb

Fluttershy: Climb?

Twilight Sparkle: It's twenty-two feet and covered in slime

Fluttershy: Slime?

Twilight Sparkle: Infested with spiders

Fluttershy: Spiders?

Twilight Sparkle: Oh, the spiders are sweet compared to the snakes

Fluttershy: Snakes?

Twilight Sparkle: On the other side

Applejack: Well, they won't hurt you unless, of course, if you insist on leaving alone and now

Fluttershy: Well, I did but if I'd known it was so terrible out there

Twilight Sparkle: Then you'd think a second thought and come with me

I know all the secret ways to set you free

Over the hills and to the open sea

Fluttershy: Then where?

Twilight Sparkle: Well, it's April, isn't it?

Fluttershy: April?

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: Normandy is fine and fair

So Normandy is where we'll go

Twilight Sparkle: I can show you a beach where the peach blossom blows

Applejack: And I know how to reach a man who knows

Both: A man who knows a cozy in

Twilight Sparkle: A friendly place

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: With rows of windows facing the sea

This time of year, the air I hear is rare and clear

And warm in Normandy

Twilight Sparkle: I know a meadow covered with mustard flowers

Golden as the sun

Applejack: Where a wondrous thing can happen

When an April day is done

Twilight Sparkle: There's a moment after the sunset

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: Where the sky goes suddenly green

And the world stands hushed and waiting for the first white stars to convene

Twilight Sparkle (Applejack): When you see that em'rald sky (When you see that em'rald sky)

You'll know the reason why (You'll know the reason why)

There's not another place I'd rather be

Both: Keep your El Dorado

And to hell with Burgundy!

Come fly with me! Come try those wings!

Come swift 'cos we have things to do

Fluttershy: Is there truly a beach where the peach blossom blows

Are you sure you can reach that man who knows, that man who knows

That cozy inn, that friendly place

All three: With rows of windows facing the sea

This time of year, the air I hear is rare and clear

Fluttershy: And warm

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: Don't be afraid

Fluttershy: It's warm

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack: Heaven was made

All three: In Normandy!

Act I Scene VIII

(The entire cast is in the castle's banquet hall for the ball. Applejack runs in.)

Applejack: You better not let the queen catch you walking!

(The music starts and the whole cast dances the Spanish Panic. In the middle, part of the Cha-Cha Slide plays and the music goes back to the Spanish Panic. When the song ends, everyone except for Pinkie Pie is passed out on the floor. Everyone gets up and exits except for Pinkie Pie and Spike.)

Pinkie Pie: Do you think you could give me a clue?

Spike: A clue?

Pinkie Pie: I know that the test is highly secret and all, but what kind of tests does your mother usually give?

Spike: Well… it's always highly secret; sometimes it's English, or Math, or Spelling, but sometimes, she gives tests of strength and endurance.

Pinkie Pie: Wow, that's right up my alley!

Spike: Like this one time, one of the princesses had to lift this huge weight! (He tries to lift it, but he fails) I can't even lift it, but I'm sure you could.

(Pinkie Pie tries to lift the weight and succeeds.)

Spike: Wow; that's amazing.

Pinkie Pie: By the way, Dauntless, I don't think I ever told you this, but my full name is Winifred the Woebegone. But, Winifred sounds a little too formal for me. You can call me by my nickname.

Spike: Winnie?

Pinkie Pie: No, Fred.

Spike: Fred… what a beautiful name! So straight, so strong… so you.

I like you, Fred, I like you

Pinkie Pie: You're just saying those words to be kind

Spike: No, I mean it

I like, I mean I love you, Fred

Pinkie Pie: He is out of his medieval mind

Spike: I'm perfectly sane and sound

I never felt better in my life

Everypony! Everypony! Everypony come!

And meet my incipient wife!

(The ensemble enters)

I'm in love with a girl named Fred

My reasons must be clear

When she shows you all how strong she is

You'll stand right up and cheer!

(Pinkie Pie lifts the weight again)

Ensemble: With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl named Fred

She drinks just like a lord

So come sing a merry drinking song

And let the wine be poured!

(Pinkie Pie drinks a huge goblet of wine)

Ensemble: Fill the bowl 'til overflowing!

Raise the goblet high!

With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl named Fred

She sings just like a bird

You'll be left completely speechless

When her gentle voice is heard

Pinkie Pie: Ah-ah-ah ah ah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

Ensemble: Fill the bowl 'til overflowing!

Raise the goblet high!

With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl named Fred

She wrestles like a Greek

You will clap your hands and wonder

At her fabulous technique

(The ensemble claps their hooves to a beat as Pinkie Pie throws Spike)

Pinkie Pie: Ah-ah-ah ah ah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

Ensemble: Fill the bowl 'til overflowing!

Raise the goblet high!

With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl named Fred

She dances with such grace

You are bound to sing her praises

'Til you're purple in the face

Ensemble: Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!

Bravo! Bravissimo!

(The ensemble claps their hooves to a beat as Pinkie Pie throws Spike again)

Pinkie Pie: Ah-ah-ah ah ah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

Ensemble: Fill the bowl 'til overflowing!

Raise the goblet high!

With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl named Fred

She's musical to boot

She will set your feet a tapping

When she plays upon her lute

(Pinkie Pie plays a few bars on Twilight Sparkle's lute)

Ensemble: Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!

Bravo! Bravissimo!

(The ensemble claps their hooves to a beat as Pinkie Pie throws Spike again)

Pinkie Pie: Ah-ah-ah ah ah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

Ensemble: Fill the bowl 'til overflowing!

Raise the goblet high!

With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl named Fred

A clever, clownish wit

When she does her funny pantomimes

Your sides are sure to split

(Pinkie Pie does a pantomime)

Ensemble: Ha ha ha ha!

Ho ho ho ho!

Ha ha ha ha ho!

(Pinkie Pie plays a few bars on Twilight Sparkle's lute again)

Ensemble: Bravo! Bravo! Bravissimo!

Bravo! Bravissimo!

(The ensemble claps their hooves to a beat as Pinkie Pie throws Spike again)

Pinkie Pie: Ah-ah-ah ah ah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

(Her singing turns into a fit of uncontrollable laughter that lasts throughout the rest of the verse)

Ensemble: Fill the bowl 'til overflowing!

Raise the goblet high!

With an F! And an R! And an E! And a D!

And a Fred! Yeah!

Spike: I'm in love with a girl

Ensemble: He's in love with a girl named

Pipsqueak: F!

Twist: R!

Silver Spoon: E!

Diamond Tiara: D!

(Pinkie Pie slides across the stage)

Pinkie Pie: YIPEE!

All: FRED!

Act II Scene I

(Celestia, Luna, and the ensemble enter. Lyra sneezes)

Celestia: Quiet!

Ensemble: Quiet, the queen insists on quiet

She ordered twenty mattresses, the softest and the best

And she's threatened execution if we dare disturb the rest

Of her very special guest, she's ordered

(In groups)

Quiet, quiet, the queen insists on quiet

She ordered twenty mattresses, the softest and the best

And she's threatened execution if we dare disturb the rest

Of her very special guest she's ordered

Quiet, quiet, the queen insists on quiet

She ordered twenty mattresses, the softest and the best

And she's threatened execution if we dare disturb the rest

Of her very special guest she's ordered

Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Celestia: Please!

Ensemble: Shhhh!

Celestia: Sheets!

Pipsqueak, Bon Bon: Right!

Celestia: Pillows!

Twist, Dr. Whooves: Right!

Celestia: Blankets!

Silver Spoon, Octavia: Right:

Celestia: Mattresses!

Diamond Tiara, Derpy: Right, right, right!

(The ensemble exits)

Ensemble: (From offstage) Bravo, bravo, bravissimo

(Lyra, then Bon Bon, then Octavia scream offstage. Celestia claps three times, and Luna claps three times. They exit and Applejack enters dancing as the ensemble claps offstage. Cherilee and Berry Punch enter, dance across the stage, and exit. Rarity and Vinyl Scratch enter, dance across the stage, and exit. Random ensemble members enter the stage bringing in sheets, blankets, pillows, etc. They stay on the stage giggling, until Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon shush them all.)

Celestia: (from offstage) Mares and gentle-colts! (Celestia claps her hooves to a beat and the ensemble repeats.) Jester! Jester! (Applejack hears her and runs off.) Somepony stop her! (The ensemble runs off screaming until Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Big Mac are the only ones left onstage.) Bring her here to me! (Big Mac tries to hide Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy) Now, you wretch, I want the truth! What is this noise about anyway? The moment I turn my back, something outrageous is always going on in the corridors! (Celestia and Luna enter from one end of the stage while Dr. Whooves and Rarity are dragging Applejack onstage.) Stop! (Dr. Whooves and Rarity drop Applejack) What is going on around here? (To Big Mac) What are you up to? (Big Mac pantomimes "eh, nothing") What?! There is something going on around here. (Celestia tries to walk towards the mattress, but Big Mac tries to stop her. Celestia pushes Big Mac out of the way.) What's under the mattress? (Celestia peeks under the mattress and sees Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy. She screams) It's a dead body! (Twilight Sparkle comes out of the mattress) What are you doing in there? Explain yourself!

Twilight Sparkle: Um, your majesty, this is… a practical joke! Yes! (She pulls out Fluttershy) this colt and I were just… (To Fluttershy) go and wait for me outside!

Celestia: Wait! (Fluttershy stops) Lady Larken! Please take Princess what's-her-name's things to her room! Mattresses and all!

Fluttershy:Yes, your highness!

Celestia: Larken! What are you doing in that ridiculous outfit?

Twilight Sparkle: (over Fluttershy) your majesty, we can explain—

Fluttershy: Uh, I was just—

Celestia: (To Twilight Sparkle) shut up! (To Fluttershy) and why are you with this colt?

Fluttershy: Your majesty—

Celestia: Answer me!

Fluttershy: Your majesty—

Celestia: Explain yourself!

Fluttershy: I AM TRYING TO!

Celestia: You're running away! Is that it? She IS running away!

(She cries. Rainbow Dash enters)

Rainbow Dash: Larken!

Celestia: One of my girls!

Twilight Sparkle: Your majesty! The Lady Larken is innocent! I'll tell the truth! I was forcing her out of the castle against her will!

Rainbow Dash: Larken! What are you doing with this colt?

Fluttershy: What are you doing with that mare?

Celestia: Just a moment!

Rainbow Dash: You go to your room!

Fluttershy: You don't tell me what to do, you… you…

Celestia: QUIET! (Luna makes "whale-noises") Lady Larken, may I remind you that you are still one of my ladies-in-waiting. Now you go upstairs where you belong, and prepare what's-her-name for bed!

Fluttershy: Your highness—

Celestia: NOW! (Fluttershy runs offstage crying) And Sir Harry, step forward! Now, Sir Harry, I want this minstrel banished from my kingdom! I want her out of here by tomorrow!

Twilight Sparkle: No! Please! You got is all wrong!

(She and Rainbow Dash exit. Big Mac is seen dancing with Cherilee.)

Celestia: SEXTIMUS! (Big Mac stops and drops Cherilee) Go to bed! I don't want you groping around in the dark-hall night! (Big Mac exits) And the rest of you, listen closely! (The ensemble enters) There is a girl upstairs who is awfully tired!

Snips: Actually, your majesty, she's upstairs studying!

Celestia: Alright, let her study. But she still needs to get a good-night's sleep! So I want quiet! I want quiet and I'm going to get quiet even if I have to scream the palace down! (Rarity giggles) QUIET!

Ensemble: Quiet, quiet, the queen insists on quiet

Quiet, quiet, the queen insists on quiet

Act II Scene II

(Pinkie Pie and Spike enter. Spike is holding a book)

Spike: Spell "sum."

Pinkie Pie: "Sum;" S U M.

Spike: Now spell "summer"

Pinkie Pie: "Summer" S U M… E R

Spike: (in his own world) oh, you're so smart! If mama gives you a test on spelling or literature, you're sure to pass! (back to reality) So that leaves us with history.

(He grabs another book)

Pinkie Pie: History, that one takes in quite a lot so let's give it a whirl!

Spike: The first chapter is called "The Bravery of Prince Waldere."

(He makes a trumpet fanfare with his mouth)

Pinkie Pie: Waldere! I'll remember that.

Spike: (reading from the book) Young Waldere, (makes the trumpet fanfare with his mouth again) wishing to slay the evil dragon Fafner.

(He makes a weird noise to represent the dragon)

Pinkie Pie: Who?

Spike: The evil dragon Fafner

(He makes the dragon noise again)

Pinkie Pie: Oh yeah! Fafner.

Spike: (reading from the book) …disguised as the west wind (makes a noise to represent the wind) Waldere (makes the trumpet fanfare with his mouth again) takes his father's sword, Minning…

Pinkie Pie: Minning!

Spike: (reading from the book) …and surprises Fafner in his lair and slays him (poorly creates his own death scene) Where he is able to understand the speech of birds (tweets) Meanwhile, Waldere's father, Albrecht, disguised as the sacred goat (bleats) tells him the spirit of Gunther (poorly recreates Applejack's "oooo")

Pinkie Pie: Oh yeah! Gunther! I remember that one!

Spike: And then…

(Fluttershy enters)

Pinkie Pie: Hey, did you order for a pageboy?

Spike: No.

(Pinkie Pie looks closer)

Pinkie Pie: Larken? Is that you?

Fluttershy: Yes, your highness.

Pinkie Pie: What's the matter?

Fluttershy: Well…

Spike: I have a suit just like that one!

Fluttershy: I'm in disguise, your highness. You see, I was running away.

Pinkie Pie: Why don't you sit down?

Fluttershy: No, your highness, the queen has ordered me to—

Pinkie Pie: Never mind that! (She pushes Fluttershy into a stool) Now, I'll ask this again. What's the matter?

Fluttershy: Well, I (she starts to cry again) I'll just get my revenge some other way! He'll be sorry!

Spike: Who?

Fluttershy: Horrible Harry!

Spike: You mean, big nice Harry?

(Fluttershy walks closer to Spike, about to knock him out)

Pinkie Pie: Now wait a minute! Wait a minute! (To Fluttershy) What did you do to him?

Fluttershy: What did I do to HIM?

Pinkie Pie: Just speaking as I did once when I gave my brother a bloody nose and I didn't want to go home. It was on accident!

Fluttershy: Well, we just had a little disagreement.

Pinkie Pie: I see, so you decided to run away?

Fluttershy: Well he said some horrible things to me!

Pinkie Pie: I see; I guess the only thing that you could've done then is to just pack up and get out. OR you could've apologized. Harry really loves you, and we were on the road for two weeks and he never laid a finger on me!

Fluttershy: Oh, your highness!

(She tackle-glomps Pinkie Pie)

Pinkie Pie: Why don't you go and get into something pretty that… shows that you're a girl; and, Larken, try to remember to act a little… helpless. Colts don't like their mares a little too strong.

Spike: I DO!

(Pinkie Pie giggles)

Fluttershy: Oh, thank you, thank you! If my baby's a girl, I'm going to name her Fred!

(She exits)

Spike: (in confusion) but what if it's a boy?

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, you better go to bed and leave the history book here.

Spike: I'm sure you're going to pass tomorrow, Fred. Well, I'm pretty sure. If you don't, I'll understand.

(He kisses Pinkie Pie on the cheek and exits. Pinkie Pie squee's and continues reading)

Pinkie Pie: And so, young Prince Waldere, having slaying the dragon, Fafner, rescued the Princess Griga, and together they mounted his horse, Triga, where they rode to the castle Bundevar, where they were married and lived happily ever after. Well I'm glad.

They all lived happily, happily, happily ever after

The couple is happily leaving the chapel eternally tied

As the curtain descends there is nothing but loving and laughter

When the fairy tale ends the heroine's always the bride

Ella the girls of the cinders did the wash and the walls and the winders

But she landed a prince who was brawny and blue-eyed and blonde

Still I honestly doubt that she could ever have done it without that

Crazy lady with the wand

Cinderella had outside help!

I have no one but me!

Fairy Godmother, Godmother, Godmother

Where can you be?

I haven't got a Fairy Godmother. I haven't even got a godmother. I have a mother; a plain, ordinary mare.

Snow White was so pretty, they tell us that the queen was insulted and jealous

When the mirror declared that Snow White was the fairest of all

She was dumped on the border, but was saved by some men who adored her

Oh I grant you, they were small

But there were seven of them! Practically a regiment!

I'm alone in the night

By myself, not a dwarf, not an elf,

Not a goblin in sight!

That girl had seven determined little men working day and night just for her. Oh sure, the queen gave her a poisoned apple, even so…

She lived happily, happily, happily ever after

A magical kiss counteracted the apple eventually

Though I know I'm not clever I'll do what they tell me I hafta

I want some happily ever after to happen to me

Rapunzel had platinum tresses that were double the length of her dresses

She was kept in a tower for years by a wicked old witch

'Til one night in despair down, she scrambled by letting her hair down

That's what I call, quite a switch

I wonder… no, that'll never do

I'll be finished before I begin

And besides, I don't wanna get out!

I wanna get in!

I wanna live happily, happily, happily ever after

I wanna walk happily out of the chapel eternally tied

But I know that I'll never live happily ever after

'Til after I'm the bride

And then I'll be happily happy

Yeah, happily happy

And thoroughly satisfied!

Yeah!

(She exits)

Act II Scene III

(Big Macintosh, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle enter. Rainbow Dash is holding Twilight Sparkle by the neck.)

[Applejack]

You're a bully and a tyrant! Just because you wanted your precious—

[Rainbow Dash]

Now see here! This man here is charged with attempting to take a mare out of the castle against her will! That is a serious crime!

[Applejack]

He didn't do it!

[Rainbow Dash]

You got it all wrong!

[Applejack]

He was protecting the Lady Larken!

(Big Macintosh tackles Applejack)

You stay out of this!

(Big Macintosh stops)

[Twilight Sparkle]

Sir Harry! There's someone I must meet before I go!

[Rainbow Dash]

Who?

[Twilight Sparkle]

The wizard; I must have permission to speak to the wizard.

[Rainbow Dash]

No!

[Applejack]

We're trying to help! We're all trying to help!

[Rainbow Dash]

But how can you help?

[Twilight Sparkle]

By finding out what the test is from the wizard.

(Rainbow Dash lets go of Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle tries to leave, but Rainbow Dash signals him to come back and for her to grab him by the neck again.)

[Applejack]

Don't you understand? This is all for you!

[Twilight Sparkle]

Just let me speak to the wizard!

(Rainbow Dash thinks about it for a moment)

[Rainbow Dash]

No! If anypony should defy the wizard's magic, it would be me!

[Applejack]

No! You stay and stand guard! This is my job.

(Big Macintosh pantomimes "and I'll help!")

No, you can't come; you might get hurt.

(Big Macintosh disagrees)

You can't come and that's final!

(Big Macintosh pantomimes having a heart attack and Spike enters and screams.)

[Spike]

FATHER! WHY!?

(He cries)

Father! Speak to me!

(He tries to do CPR on him and Big Macintosh gets up)

[Applejack]

Your majesty, Prince Dauntless is ready now to have that little talk with you.

[Spike]

Okay, some other time.

[Applejack]

Dauntless! Your father wants to have that talk with you right now. It's VERY important.

[Spike]

Now!?

[Applejack]

Yes; it can't be put off. Do your duty, sire.

(She, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle exit)

…Stop, look and listen.

…Boy …Flower …Girl …Flower

Boy flower, girl flower.

Oh, tell me more

I want to know what getting married is for.

…Seed …fall …from girl flower.

…And by and by …baby flower …grow.

Ah, but why?

Oh, tell me why.

Oh tell me, tell me, father, father don't be shy.

…Boy flower …girl flower …love each other.

…Boy flower father …Girl flower mother.

Yes, yes, but how?

It's very interesting, but how? Oh tell me now.

…Bee …on boy flower.

…Boy flower dust …gets on bee.

…Bee flies to girl flower, …Dust touches girl flower.

Oh, I see!

No I don't see.

It's very int'resting but still not clear to me.

…Woman is like a girl flower. …Man is like a bee and boy flower. Man! That's me!

But tell me more.

I've got to know about what getting married is for.

…Sounds like …carry.

Sounds like carry. …marry

…Man and woman get married. Winifred in white!

…Love each other …knight. And then one night…

Yes, yes, one night;

It's very int'resting what happens in the night.

What happens, what happens,

Oh, tell me, father, please.

Shall I go and pick some flowers?

Shall I go and catch some bees?

…Princess Winifred …and I

…Will get married …and then one night…

And then one night… …The stork?

The stork will come and bring us a baby?

Oh, Papa, I know all about the stork. Mama told me that story years ago. No, wait a minute, Papa!

Flower, seed, man, woman, bee, baby, small…

It isn't the stork, it isn't the stork, it isn't the stork at all!

Oh life is grand! It's very int'resting, I think I understand.

I think, I think I know…

It's very int'resting… Thank you, father.

And father, I love you so!

(They exit)

Act II Scene IV

(Luna is seen in the chamber. Applejack enters with Twilight Sparkle)

[Applejack]

Pardon, Madam Wizard.

(Luna stops what she was doing)

[Luna]

What?

[Applejack]

Twilight Sparkle here is a great admirer of yours.

[Twilight Sparkle]

Well, I just have to tell you what a brilliant artist you are.

(Luna uses her powers to choke Twilight Sparkle)

But I'm being serious! You took seven curtain calls. Did you happen to remember a mare in the second row that screamed "Bravo!" that night?

(Luna stops choking Twilight Sparkle)

[Luna]

I do!

[Twilight Sparkle]

I was that mare!

[Luna]

I don't believe it.

[Twilight Sparkle]

And, of course, I'm in show business now too; and madam, if it is any interest to you, it was your inspiration that have brought this about.

[Luna]

You must belong to the guild!

(They do their own secret handshake)

[Twilight Sparkle]

Well, I guess I should be going now.

[Luna]

Wait!

(She uses her powers to make a bouquet of flowers and gives it to Twilight Sparkle)

For you!

[Twilight Sparkle]

Thank you very much, but I really should be going.

[Luna]

No! Sit down!

(She pulls Twilight Sparkle into a chair)

[Twilight Sparkle]

I'm pretty sure you're busy with that test for tomorrow.

[Luna]

Oh, it's all taken care of.

[Twilight Sparkle]

I don't suppose that you can tell an ol' guild mare what it is.

[Luna]

Well, I'm sure that—

[Twilight Sparkle]

I understand; I guess that I'll be on my way then.

[Luna]

Hold on! Can I borrow your handkerchief?

[Twilight Sparkle]

What handkerchief?

(Luna uses her powers to take several handkerchiefs out of Twilight Sparkle's ear)

[Luna]

Y'know, some ponies say that my act is pretty…

(She pulls out a rubber chicken)

Fowl!

(The "punch-line drum" rim shot can be heard again)

I bet you can't guess what that test is about.

[Twilight Sparkle]

Astronomy?

[Luna]

Nope! Sensitivity

[Twilight]

Did you hear that? Sensitivity!

[Luna]

Now, let me tell you the rest…

(She stares at Applejack)

But I really shouldn't!

[Applejack]

Alright; I'll be on my way… but I have to ask you one favor.

[Luna]

What is it?

(Applejack picks up the flowers)

[Applejack]

May I have these?

[Luna]

Why would you want that?

[Applejack]

To remind me of the good ol' days; to remind me of my father.

[Luna]

Keep it.

[Applejack]

Thank you!

[Luna]

And, Jester…

(She does the handshake with Applejack and she exits)

[Twilight Sparkle]

That was a very nice thing you did for that mare.

[Luna]

Well, for her father's sake.

[Twilight Sparkle]

I don't have to get out of here 'til daybreak; why don't we go by the wine cellar, split a glass, and just talk about anything that comes to mind and just talk about—

[Luna]

No, no, I started something here that I need to finish, you go right ahead and I'll meet you there.

[Twilight Sparkle]

I'll be waiting for you!

(They both exit)

Act II Scene V

(Lyra, Bon Bon, and Applejack enter)

[Lyra]

What's the matter, Jester?

[Applejack]

Oh, nothing.

[Lyra]

Say something funny!

[Applejack]

Have you ever heard of my father; Sliding Theatre Jangles?

(Bon Bon starts laughing hysterically)

[Lyra]

Was that even funny?

[Bon Bon]

…I don't know.

[Lyra]

Looks like the clown is losing her touch!

(They both exit laughing)

[Applejack]

I am far from sentimental or romantic

And I like to think I'm strictly up to date

But at times the dancing gets a bit too frantic

In these hectic days of 1428

So indulge me as I pause to raise my chalice

To a quaint and charming dance they used to do

In the days when my dear father played the palace

Back in 1392

My dad was debonair and quite as light as air

In his very soft shoes

How he could dip and glide and skip and slip and slide

In his very soft shoes

I used to stand and watch him everyday

He was always smooth and cool

I used to love to hear the ponies say

He's a regular dancing fool

He barely touched the ground

And never made a sound

But I've noticed in all his reviews

That when he took his bow to the crowd and the crown

The crowd went crazy and the house came down

When Daddy wore his very soft shoes

(Musical interlude)

And when he took his bow to the crowd and the crown

The crowd went crazy and the house came down

When Daddy wore his very soft shoes

Act II Scene VI

(Rainbow Dash is scene in the castle's courtyard. Fluttershy enters)

[Rainbow Dash]

Who's there? Friend or foe?

[Fluttershy]

Friend.

[Rainbow Dash]

…oh, it's you again.

[Fluttershy]

Harry, look at me! I was running away but it was because I thought you didn't love me anymore.

(Rainbow Dash ignores her)

I thought that it was because you didn't love me. But even if you don't love me, I can't love anypony as much as I love you and I want to be near you if I can, as long as I can, but I understand if you changed.

(She is about to leave, but she stops)

[Rainbow Dash]

Well, in a way, I have changed.

Yesterday I loved you as never before

But please, don't think me strange, I've undergone a change

And today I love you even more

My heart cannot be trusted, I give you fair warning

I openly confess, tonight I love you less

Than I will tomorrow morning

[Fluttershy]

Yesterday I loved you as never before

But that was long ago, and now it's best you know

That today I love you even more

My heart cannot be trusted, I give you fair warning

I tremble at your touch, not nearly half so much

Than I will tomorrow morning

[Rainbow Dash]

Yesterday you seemed as lovely to me as anyone ever could be

Now I see what tricks my eyes can play

Yesterday I must've been utterly blind, or else I was out of my mind

For I find you so much lovelier today

[Fluttershy]

My heart cannot be trusted, I give you fair warning

[Rainbow Dash (Fluttershy)]

And yesterday I loved you (In a little while, just a little while)

As never before (You and I'll be one, two, three, four)

But that was long ago (In a little while, I will see a smile)

And now it's best you know (On the face of my son-to-be)

And today I love you even more (Forever hand in glove is the way I got it planned)

[Both]

My heart cannot be trusted, I give you fair warning

I openly confess, tonight I love you less

Than I will tomorrow morning

Act II Scene VII

(Celestia walks into Pinkie Pie's bedroom. There are twenty mattresses stacked onto each other at the right of the room.)

[Celestia]

Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. There; that should do it. Oh, and one tiny pea that I had to bring up all the way to the pantry, all the way up the most hoof-killing stairs in the kingdom.

(She takes out the pea and puts it underneath the mattress.)

Alright, you can come in now.

(The ladies come in)

Did you bring in the hypnotic mirror?

[Octavia]

Yes, madam.

[Celestia]

And the rest of the things?

[Vinyl Scratch]

Yes, madam.

[Celestia]

And the mare; where is the mare? Doesn't she know that it's long past her bedtime? Well, if I were her, I would be dropping from exhaustion.

(Pinkie Pie enters yawning)

Oh, there you are. Are you ready for bed? You must be sure to get a great night's sleep so you'll be fresh early tomorrow morning for the trip back to your kingdom… or wherever it is you're going. Bring the hypnotic mirror!

(Octavia steps forward with the mirror)

[Pinkie Pie]

Y'know, I think I'm getting something up right here!

(She points to up her nose)

[Celestia]

Drink a little extract of opium and warm milk before bed, that's what I always say.

(She gives Pinkie Pie the drink)

Now drink it down. I'm sure that you're going to have absolutely no problem drifting off, but just in case, I prepared a very special treat for you. Bring in the nightingale!

(Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo enter with a large cage with Rarity in a nightingale costume inside it.)

[Rarity]

(To herself, annoyed)

I can't believe that I have to be forced to wear this outfit. I know that the writer is trying to give me more screen time, but why must she force me to do embarrassing things for it? She is so sued after this whole thing is over.

[Celestia]

(Whispers to Rarity)

Do you want to be paid extra for this gig or not?

[Rarity]

…yes.

[Celestia]

Then do as you're told, and she said if you even think about filing that lawsuit, no paycheck.

[Rarity]

Fine!

[Celestia]

Any-who, sing!

(Rarity sings a soothing song to put Pinkie Pie to sleep)

My dear, why aren't you in bed?

(Pinkie Pie is seen climbing up the mattresses)

[Pinkie Pie]

I'm almost there!

[Celestia]

Help her up!

(Lyra, Bon Bon, Octavia, and Vinyl Scratch help her up the mattresses)

Well, at least one person is gonna get a good-night's sleep tonight.

(She and the ladies exit when Pinkie Pie is at the top and she lies down. She tosses and turns)

[Pinkie Pie]

Alright! Alright! Watch out, lumps!

(She beats the mattress and tries to go back to sleep, but she still tosses and turns. She looks at Rarity.)

What are you, some kind of alarm clock?

(She tosses and turns some more)

Alright, let's start from the beginning.

(Imitating Yakko Warner from Animaniacs)

Goodnight, everypony!

(She tries to go back to sleep, but she tosses and turns some more)

Oh look! Twenty downy mattresses! I'm going to sleep like a baby!

(She tries to go back to sleep, but she tosses and turns some more. She looks at Rarity again in anger.)

SHUT UP!

(Rarity grabs her things)

[Rarity]

I'll be in my trailer! This is so not worth an extra twenty bits in cash!

(She storms off. Pinkie Pie tosses and turns some more.)

[Pinkie Pie]

Alright, sheep! I'm ready when you are! One, two, three…

(She lies on the bed and continues counting.)

Act II Scene VIII

Celestia: Here, sweetheart, let mama fix it.

Spike: Mama! I can do it!

Celestia: Well, far be it for me to interfere, precious.

Spike: Mama! I'm an adult now! I can dress myself!

Celestia: Why are you wearing that so early in the morning?

Spike: Well, today's the day of the big test and I wanna look my best for—

Celestia: The test? Why Dauntless, sweetheart, the test is all over.

Spike: (In a high-pitched voice) WHAT!? But what was the test, Mama? When was it?

Celestia: It was last night. We put one small pea underneath twenty soft downy mattresses. It was to test her sensitivity. And of course, any genuine princess would've stayed awake.

Spike: But she slept?

Celestia: Well, darling, I'm sure I don't know; I'm sure that she was practically falling asleep when she got into bed and yawning like a vulgar scullery maid, and she looked ghastly and old enough to be your… well, we'll see.

Spike: (Extremely underwhelmed) Aww man!

(They both exit and the rest of the cast enters)

Bon Bon: I'm so nervous about this I could die!

Lyra: Just keep quiet!

Vinyl Scratch: If she doesn't pass, I don't know what I'll do!

Octavia: Be quiet!

Doctor Whooves: Here comes the queen!

(Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Spike enter)

Celestia: Well good morning, everypony!

Ensemble: Good morning, your majesty.

Celestia: All here to see the princess on her way? Since she's such a favorite of ours, I have decided that she should receive an extra special consolation prize. Lady Lyra!

(Lyra takes out a golden pillow)

Lyra: A very thoughtful gift, your majesty.

(Spike takes the pillow from Lyra, hits her with it, and kicks it offscreen.)

Celestia: Dauntless! (Spike sticks her tongue out at her.) Now, where is that little slugabed? She should be getting an early start—

(Pinkie Pie enters tiredly, counting)

Pinkie Pie: Thirty-seven thousand, four hundred twenty-eight—

Celestia: Thirty-seven thousand, four hundred twenty eight what?

Pinkie Pie: Sheep! What do you stuff your mattress with!? Jousting equipment?!

Celestia: What do you mean?

Pinkie Pie: I meant that bed needs to be put down in the torture chamber!

Celestia: You didn't sleep?

Pinkie Pie: I never shut my eyes!

Spike: (excitedly) You passed the test! Mama put a pea under twenty mattresses and you felt it and now we can get married!

(The rest of the cast cheers)

Pinkie Pie: A pea under twenty mattresses? No wonder I'm black and blue!

Rainbow Dash: Now do you think she's pretty?

Fluttershy: She's not pretty; she's beautiful!

Pinkie Pie: Dauntless, I'm going to leave the wedding arrangements up to you. You might want to find a small kingdom for sale. I have a feeling that we're not going to want to live with the in-laws.

(She yawns and sleeps on a table.)

Spike: She's gonna catch a cold if she's gonna sleep on the table. I better take her to her room.

Celestia: Dauntless, wait.

Spike: Wait for what?

Celestia: To give this matter some proper consideration.

Spike: Proper consideration!? She passed the test!

Celestia: Dauntless, you listen to your mother! Throughout this heart-breaking experience of trying to find YOU a true princess, I have never nagged, never interfered, and never expected one solitary word of sympathy…

Spike: But I—

Celestia: I will not have you throw your life away for that little nopony!

Spike: You should not—

Celestia: She may have passed the test, but look at her!

Spike: I told you to SHUT UP!

(Celestia tries to speak, but no words come out of her mouth.)

Applejack: It happened! The prophecy! The mouse devoured the hawk!

Rainbow Dash: The queen can't talk!

(The rest of the cast cheer)

Big Macintosh: I can!

Twilight Sparkle: The king talks!

Big Macintosh: And I have a lot to say! (Celestia grabs Spike by the arm) Unhand the dragon! Aggravain, you had this coming and now you're gonna get it! From now on, when I say hop, I want you to hop. Now hop! Skip! Jump!

(Princess Celestia obeys and Big Macintosh repeats the commands as they both exit. The rest of the cast laugh)

Rarity: Now THIS is worth being paid extra!

Ensemble: How did she stay awake?

That pea was awfully small!

Rarity: But it wasn't the pea!

Company: It wasn't the pea

It wasn't the pea at all!

Oh life is grand!

It's very interesting, we think we understand

We think, we think, we know, it's very interesting

Thank you, princess, and princess, we love you so

For a princess is a delicate thing

Delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing

You can recognize a lady by her elegant heir

But a genuine princess…

(Pinkie Pie snores)

Is exceedingly rare!