Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: Season Three
Chapter 73: 73. licensed
Previous Chapter Next ChapterAuthor's note
The rest of these chapters take place after 'Cloudsdale The Free'.
Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: licensed
Rainbow is having one of those days of answering e-mails and singing, "Save the gross stuff up at the back of your throat, and hock it at an unsuspecting e-mail."
Dear Rainbow ,
Is it true that Cloudsdale couldn't host the Equestria games when you were a filly ? I find that puzzling to no end ,Anyway how fast can you clear the weather some say 'in ten seconds flat' can ya do it in five or less? and do you drink tea or coffee in the morning?
Your's Truely ,
Adam
Rainbow sighs, shaking her head as she types in, "Yeah, it's true; Boy, was it disappointing to most of Cloudsdale...mostly me; Anyway, very fast for 10 seconds; 5 or less? That's a challenge! Also, who needs tea or coffee? Soda is the best; next e-mail!"
Subject famous
Okay, you and your friends are probably famous by now, but how come you haven't licensed anything yet; as in where are the rainbow Dash novels and fluffy pillows? I want more Rainbow Dash in my day, come on, babe! Help me out!"
From yours truly
Polka Faced Bill from receiving
Rainbow reads the name as written. The mare frowns while protesting, "Hey, come on! I already paid that dumb Polka Faced Bill months ago! Tell that lamey Flathead Butted Alanis from accounting to update her records for the love of Celestia!"
Rainbow clears her screen while continuing, "Now then, as for being famous and licensing stuff, hay, you got it all wrong. No one needs to be famous to license cool stuff. Why, take a look at Trixie to a paper towel company..." We see a shot of a paper towel roll that got pictures of Trixie and an Ursa Major on it. "...weeks after she ran out of town and no one still don't know who the horse crap she is."
"Get this, Velma, its extraordinary absorbent." An old mare is heard speaking.
"Aw, shut up, lady!" We go back to Rainbow on her computer. "Nah, the true sign of being famous and awesome is the unlicensed stuff! And we're all over that! In fact, we got our own application process for becoming an official licensed unlicensed seller of Rainbow Dash and friends knock-offs!"
We see now see an application form that flies onto the screen that has the header 'So, want to be an official licensed unlicensed seller of Rainbow Dash & Friends knock-offs, eh?. There's entries for 'Name', 'Number' and 'Let me get back to you, okay?'
"The main requirements are that the country of manufacture has..." Rainbow said as the 'Country of Manufacture' page comes up with a country-like shape in the middle; the names kept appearing and crossed out. "...definitely change named 5 times since I dropped out of Flight School, that you sell your wares from a..."
We see a 'Type of Store' page coming up with a note '(Circle one)' as Rainbow continues, "...blanket," (we see a 'Dirty blanket' appearing and watches filling it. "or inside a trench coat," We see a 'Dirty Trench coat' appearing with watches filling it. "...that you always refer to the selling of our items..." We see a page labeled 'gotta yell this' that has a cartoony figure of a colt wearing a snow hat and a table with 4 watches, "...as a 'number one bargain'!"
The mentioned phrase appears in a speech bubble. Rainbow continues, "And that..." We see the 'Mane Six' page that has pictures of the Mane Six themselves who are respectively, 'Rainbow Dash', 'AJ', 'Pinkie Pie', 'The Whiner', 'The Cute One' and 'The Egghead'. "...two of us have to have horns and two of us have to have wings." We see wings and horns drawn on certain ponies.
Back at the computer with a clear screen, Rainbow continues, "One of our..." The mare skips typing the word 'our'. "...primary unlicensed licensees ponies are shady daycares. The kinds that are always open 24 hours and are surrounded by barbed wire." We see a postcard from 'Shady Pony Daycares National Park'.
We see an outside view of Sweet Apple Acres where a stylized version of Rainbow is holding a 24 HRS. book, a picture of the Mane Six as mice with antennae and cupcake pots, a young-faced Granny Smith saying 'I TAKE FOALS' and one cross-eyed monster wearing a 'SUN' T-Shirt' are being drawn. Above the entrance is the word 'OUTHOUSE' which has been crossed out. We also see a chalk tracing in front of Sweet Apple Acres indicating that there's a dead body here.
"Yeah, they love to illegally use trademarked in hopes to win the trust of desperate parents." Rainbow explains.
Granny sings to the tune of 'Frere Jacques', "Where is Tompkins? Where is Cole Slaw? Here I am!"
"Wow, if I ever have foals, I cannot wait to drop them at that place every morning on my way to the Wonderbolt shows." Rainbow chuckles back at her computer with a clear screen. "Also, another great knock off is DVDs. The ones that are slight variations of slightly animated foal films; you know; the kind that they put next to the checkout line so that your grandma might mistake it for the real thing by accident. They have titles like..."
We see an orange background as each movie appears when Rainbow mentions it, "'...The Secret Alicorn and Her Oppressive Huge Figure 4' and the always popular 'Everfree Forest Animals in Decidedly Non-Forest Incidents'." The scene dims as she continues. "...Novelty confections have to be my favorite growth sector of the unlicensed merchandise thing..."
We see a box with four 'SPIKES' as Rainbow remarks, "...like these sugar-crusted marshmallows, or this gummi..." We see a blob that looks like Rainbow with wings. "...gel-ular from 'Rainbow Dasher: The Movie'." We see a logo for said movie appearing in the bottom right. "Oh yeah, who doesn't want to rot their teeth..." The blob is gone, replaced by a 'Rainbow Brush"...right out of their teeth with the spinning sugar toothbrush of a spinning Rainbow Dash?"
We see the head of the toothbrush spinning around until it falls of, revealing a screw. Just then a familiar mare is heard speaking, "Hey Rainbow Dash!"
Suddenly Rainbow looks like to see Derpy bringing in a piñata that looks like her friend. The goofy mare grins while saying, "Check this piñata out!"
"Wait, a Rainbow Dash piñata?! Where the hay did you get that?!" Rainbow asks Derpy in shock and alarm. The mare doesn't recall giving licensed unlicensed ponies permission to sell something like that!
"Oh, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are selling them!"
"Wait, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scoots is selling them?!"
"Sure are!" Derpy exclaims happily. "Those ponies who are looking for cutie marks and are running their tree house..."
"I know who those three are! They are unlicensed UNLICENSED sellers! I was trying to shut those girls down for years!" Rainbow grabs her phone, dial a number into the thing and snaps into it. "Fluttershy, meet me at the Cutie Mark Crusaders' tree house on the double! And bring the other girls!"
"Oh dear, of course, of course," Fluttershy is heard on the phone as Rainbow flies off her stool, heading out. Those fillies got a lot of explaining to do!
"Ahhhh, what else," Derpy ask playfully, unaware of what's about to go down soon.
Outside their tree house, the CMC are wearing trench coats, speaking with Pipsqueak. Scootaloo said, "...and we got this shipment of Rainbow Dash brand ferret ointment." Sweetie opens her coat, showing some merchandise. "Pretty awesome, ain't it?"
"Wow, that's wicked cool!" Pipsqueak remarks with a smile. "I'd like some of those!"
"There they are!" Applejack is heard yelling, making the CMC members yelp in alarm. Not good.
"Sorry, store's closed!" Apple Bloom exclaims in alarm as Sweetie quickly closes her coat. The former points to the right as Pipsqueak trots off.
As the Mane Six came in, a suspicious Rainbow snaps, "Okay, girls, what's with the trench coats?"
"Oh...we're looking to be...Cutie Mark Crusader Public Flashers!" Sweetie said nervously.
"YAY; CUTIE MARK CRUSADER PUBLIC FLASHERS," The little fillies exclaims at once and together.
"Girls, do you even know what 'flashers' are?" Rarity asks the CMC skeptically.
"Uh...they take pictures?" Sweetie asks Rarity cluelessly. Apparently she and her friends had no clue as to what 'flashers' are.
"Yeah right," Rainbow snaps while waving a hoof at the little ones. "You obviously don't know what 'flashers' are to make up an excuse that lame; so open up!"
"Okay, okay, you got us." Scootaloo said with a sigh as she and her friends open their coats. May as well admit it, they are caught.
"I thought so! Totally legit looking stuff! Where are the wings, the horns; the misspellings and the choking stuff?"
"Oh, we didn't have time to put those in." Dinky admits to Rainbow sheepishly. "We usually sell those at the stands."
"Eeyup! Any 'dat we don't have 'time 'ta put in, we sell them at mah sister's black market!" Apple Bloom admits as she and her friends close their coats.
"Black market; Applejack, you have a black market like Pinkie Pie does?!" Twilight ask Applejack in shock and disbelief.
"Shucks, we y'all have our own dark secrets. Rainbow found 'dat out during our civil war thing." Applejack admits to Twilight with a shrug.
"All part of my black market thing! Don't tell the Cakes!" Pinkie exclaims, giving a 'hush' to her friends.
"Oh, I see...so wait. Applejack, you and Pinkie are running a shady bootleg operation that peddles awesome goods while your legal store fronts sell foods?" Rainbow asks Applejack puzzled. "And now, you got the Cutie Mark Crusaders in on this whole thing?"
"Eeyup; Not a word, we done got reputations 'ta withhold," Applejack said to Rainbow sternly, not wanting any ponies to know that a honest pony and a fun pony is running a shady operation and are having foals do the same thing.
"Ah, well, in that case, would any ponies have a weird reaction to that ointment that you're selling?"
"Anypony will swell up like a balloon." Scootaloo said to Rainbow with a grin.
"All right, give us two cases!" Rainbow exclaims eagerly as she pays for two cases of ointment.
"Me too, I wanna try some!" Pinkie exclaims with a happy smile on her face.
Back at her computer that has a clear screen once more, Rainbow spoke up on a bench, "Anyway, Applejack and Pinkie have to suspend the Cutie Mark Crusaders from the operation. Not because they were unlicensed unlicensed sellers or that the foals are too young. Nope. Turns out all those piñatas were fulled of...wait, Big Mac?"
Rainbow didn't type in the last part. She saw Big Macintosh nearby with a lot of cuts on his face; some has bits of glass protruding from them. The stallion sings weakly, "Broken glass, broken glass, broken glass; broken glass." The new paper comes down, bringing this chapter/e-mail to an answer. "Eeyup, that junk was still my best birthdays ever."
In a field, Big Macintosh, face still covered with cuts and glass shards, saw Pinkie floating by, puffed up like a balloon. The stallion shrugs this off as he sings on, "Ugly bird, ugly bird, ugly bird, ugly bird..."
The End
Author's note
Weird; Even the foals are in on the shady operations that Pinkie and Applejack are doing. In the next chapter/e-mail, the Mane Six tries to discover what secrets are hidden in Cloudsdale (Rainbow's that is). Read, review and suggest.