Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: bike thief

Rainbow is on the task today, bringing up her e-mails despite the presence of the annoying new paper. The mare raps a bit, "Letters. And words; E-mails get absurd, I just gotta jump back?"

So Rainbow What do you think of the story Rocket to insainity or Rainbow Factory? creepy stories don't get me wrong and ell me you guys got any rock n roll in Equestria ?

YOur's Truely Adam

PS so who called you dashie besides Pinkie Pie ?

Rainbow shudders as she types in her response, "Seriously? Those stories are creepy! I don't know why Earthlings make them. And yeah, we got rock 'n' roll. Why else do we have Knightshade or the Shadowbolts? Awesome! Also, AJ calls me Dashie, though I don't know why; next e-mail!"

Subject: bike thieves
Hey there Rainbow Dash,
I am a college pony and I need to know how to keep my bike from getting stolen. I figure if I think like a thief, I can know how to protect it. So, how would you try to steal my bike
Furiginia
MI

Rainbow reads MI as two letters, we see a pennant for the Mediocre Institute. Looking disappointed, the mare types in while answering, "Oh, I see. Not smart enough for MIT, eh; Just MI; honestly."

Rainbow clears the screen as she continues, "First off, how do I even know that your lame-o bike is worth stealing at all? How many pegs do you got on that thing; Mag wheels? White tires? A worthless baseball card in the spokes," We now see a baseball trading card. "What kind of self-respecting bike thief would steal a...shudder...10 speed; or a...shudder some more...mountain bike? I mean, those kinds of bikes are the ones that get you tired. Any bike with a water bottle holder is a complete waste of bike to yours truly."

Rainbow clears her screen once more as she continues, "But for the sake of this e-mail, let's pretends that you do have a cool bike of sorts. I would first go to my old thieving standby, as in dress up like a bush."

---

Sure enough, we see Rainbow hiding behind a bush that has berries and cartoon eyes, we can see her hooves and wings. The mare shuffles to a pink bicycle while taking her disguise, she will get that bike. Upon there, Rainbow takes the bike through the bush and begins carrying it away.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch," Rainbow groans a bit then she notices Cherry Berry on a phone nearby, talking until she turn and glare at the Pegasus pony as if wondering what the 'bush' is doing with that bike.

"What's this?" Cherry Berry asks suspiciously. Rainbow yelps as she heads away, making different noises.

"Err, I mean...bushes, bushes, leaves, branches and...berries."

Rainbow's voice said, "Also don't forget, dressing up as a bush is one great way to get some free pizza!"

---

At a familiar restaurant, Rainbow goes to the counter in her bush costume, asking, "Hey, Firecracker Burst, how about some free pizza?"

"Yeah, no problem, bush," Firecracker remarks as she takes out a pizza box from behind the counter before dropping it onto the bush. Rainbow leaves, satisfied. The mare didn't suspect a thing!

Rainbow's voice continues, "Variations on this approach..."

---

In the field, Rainbow is standing in the middle as her voice continues, "...includes dressing up like a cactus..." The bush is now replaced by a cactus, though the mare isn't concealed very well behind it, with cartoony eyes. "...a trashcan..." Now a trashcan replaces the cactus, "...or a barrel."

The trashcan is replaced by a wooden barrel. Rainbow's voice continues, "Of course, depending on your physique..." Sure enough, Spike appears near the barrel. "...you could also dressed up like a hideous pile..."

Spike is now turned into a pile of some pink goof with scales, a crushed, a plank of wood, a circular saw blade...and two weird eyes. Now Big Macintosh appears on the other side of the barrel.

"...or maybe a huge factory, perhaps," Rainbow's voice adds as Big Macintosh turns into a factory building that is signed 'ELAP', also with cartoony eyes.

---

Back at the computer room, Rainbow types in, "Of course, if I were you, I would not bother with anything that has cartoon eyeholes; that is creepy. If that method didn't work for me, I go for the awkward swindle approach. This works on college campuses."

---

At the Tree, college students are doing what they normally do (we know that it's a college due to to RDTAU building in the background); going to classes, hanging out, etc. Derpy was wearing a backpack and a backwards cap while chaining her bike to the Tree, the chain loops over the top branch. The mare is preparing for classes for the day.

Rainbow trots in with her mane in a ponytail while holding a clipboard in her mouth. Time for one of her trips as she spoke up, "Yo, sister, my bromide; you sounds like an awesome mare who likes to progress. I am wondering if you're interesting in signing this petition to ban roll-on..."

Derpy begins to speak, "Yeah. Not to be rude but sorry, I've got a class..."

"...free vegetables..."

"...and my roommate is like, you know…"

Rainbow continues her magic in hopes to chase off Derpy, saying, "...fellowship..."

"And my parents, uh.." Derpy said, getting very uneasy by Rainbow's persistence that the goofy mare signs her petition.

"...drum circle?"

"Gotta go to science lab; Eeek!"

Rainbow smirks as Derpy rush off, leaving her bike away. Success! The voice is heard saying, "Yeah, so effective! This idea allows me to steal ponies' lunches...their colt-friends...even dogs too!"

Rainbow got rid of the clipboard and heads over to the bike. She kicks the tires as the pony prepares to take off with the bike. But then Fluttershy, with multicolored dreadlocks, came to her with her own clipboard, saying, "Hey there, bromide. Want to sign this..."

"Gah; Meal plan," Rainbow screams as she flies away, not wanting to sign anything and forgetting what she is doing.

"Ooh, cool, man, free bike. Not my style but..."

---

In the computer room, Rainbow types in, saying, "Of course, my favorite thiefnique of all time has to be the best use of wearing black turtlenecks and suction cups ever made: cat-burgling!"

---

We see what appears to be an orange wall as all is dark, Rainbow is using suction cups to climb up it while wearing a black turtleneck and a beanie. The mare groans, "Almost to the top...grrr, that bike seat is as good as mine; Ha ha ha ha!"

Of course, as it turns out, Rainbow is climbing up the couch in Twilight's library, appearing from behind it. A bicycle seat of rainbow colors is the couches with two laser guns duct taped to the couch on either side of it. Twilight works on making sure that no pony will make off with it, not even her friends.

Rainbow took out a spray can that is labeled 'Weather Factory Fog' and sprays it into the air, showing two laser beams. The mare, frowning, snaps, "Awww, horse feathers; Laser tech security; I will have to do some Wonderbolt aerobatics to steal this baby!" She prepares to fly off...only to find that she herself can't. The mare's suction cups has gotten her stuck, "Oh, hayseed! Stupid suction cups! Got me stuck to the side of this thing; Errr, anypony; Spike? Hey, can you come over here and put the bicycle seat in my mouth...gently?"

To Rainbow's horror, the lights in the library are turned on. Rainbow groans, "Oh Celestia! Light tech security"! She is caught!

Twilight trots into the room, giving a disapproved look to Rainbow while saying, "Honestly, Rainbow Dash, this whole thing is silly. If you have agreed to play Animals the musical, instead of cat-burglar, you wouldn't be stuck to the back of my couch again."

"Hey, I would rather get turned into stone!"

---

Rainbow types back at her computer as she finishes things up, "Yeah, that's how I do it, College Bike Owner. So my advice is stay away from bushes, never talk to any ponies with a clipboard, and avoid putting our bike on the top of the roof of glass buildings." During the next part, the mare types in while saying the other lines 'Yeah, your bike is totally safe if you listen to me. I am a good pony that gives out sound advice; Bike on, ponies, bikes on, "Secret message to bike thieves!"

The words 'SECRET MESSAGE' appears on the screen as Rainbow continues, "Bolt cutter, Bronies, just use them!" The mentioned words appeared. "We will spilt the pawn-shop money 50-60!" The money split flash on the screen as well. The mare types in, "Right, see ya next time!"

As the e-mail/chapter comes to an end, that new paper comes down, printing a picture of the real paper in hopes to win Rainbow over. The mare on the other hand remarks, "Yeah, nice try, new paper. Of course that does make me feel a little better...he was so stripedy." But suddenly the computer begins moving slowing to the right. "What the hay?"

Rainbow turns and saw Derpy dressed up like a trash can, the mare is trying to make off with the computer. She speaks in a monotone voice, "Garbage, garbage. Rubbish...err...murder weapon."

"Derpy, are you supposed to be a trash can or some weird robot?"

"Errr..." Quickly Derpy takes out a petition that reads 'The Bromide Solution'. "Wanna sign this petition, bromide Dash?"

The End

Author's note
Well, folks, that should get you on your way of stealing bikes (seriously, don't). In the next chapter/e-mail, Rainbow, in hopes to impress some college stallions, opens up a fake pizza joint which ends up being a success by accident. Read, review and suggest!