Rainbow Dash's E-Mails: Season Three
Chapter 54: 54. underlings
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"My e-mail song! Where would I be without my e-mail song?" Rainbow sang as she is at her computer, bringing up the first e-mail of the show.
Hey describe to me, what your most humiliating experience? And honestly, I have to tell somepony, i promised not to but... SORIN HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!... ooopss... Please don't let him read this.
Tropic Storm, fillydalpia
Rainbow blinks while saying, "Whoa. Sorin likes me? Never knew that. Are you sure you don't mean 'Soarin'?" The mare types in. "As for humiliating experience, I already covered this. Seriously, don't ask me again; Next e-mail!"
Subject: Handling Smelly Underling?
Dear Rainbow Dash,
I am a manager and have been told to speak to one of my underlings about their stench. I'm sure that you are the foremost expert in dealing with smelly underlings ponies. I must ask, what is the best way to deal with this problem? I wish to do so with some tact & professionalism.
Sinicerely,
PlasticDiverColt
Dartmouth, Colta Scottish
Rainbow nods as she types in saying, "Man, that Colta show is lame, boring and dull, but I would watch a show called Dartmouth anyday of the week."
Rainbow clears the screen as she continues on, "Well now, PastyDiverColt, this is the right mare that you came to. Why, I got so many underlings or friends, I have to deal with nearly every awkward social situation under the awkward Celestia social sun. I'm an exploit!" We see an 'Awkward Celestia Social Sun CD'.
Rainbow clears her screen as she continues, "First off, nothing say tact and professionalism like sending one huge subtle hint with a funny novelty shirt. In your situation, perhaps you should wear one that got something like..."
We see a blank T-shirt as Rainbow is heard saying, "Some kind of..." A pony scientist appears holding a test tube on the shirt itself. "...egghead scientist pony on it, with a clothespin..." We now see a clothespin that appears on the scientist's nose. "...right on his nose of snout for ponies. Underneath it would say 'Man, you Stink!' The mentioned words appear on the shirt.
Back at the computer, Rainbow types on while saying, "That way, your smelly underling, or smunderling as I would like to call 'em, will get the idea from across the room and you will stay out of the stink's reach safely that way." We see a description of some sort of Smunderling creature...
SMUNDERLING
Alll this weirdo wants is to be your pal. He appears at office parties and in pony towns at random. He's vulnerable to harsh truths, criticism and Discs of Healing.
FREQUENCY: Rare
INTELLIGENCE: Low to whatever
ARMOR CLASS: +8
We now see Rainbow in a restroom reading a newspaper that said 'Ponyville Confidential.' As the mare looks up, she continues, "You know, I would probably watch a show that said 'Stink's Reach' too, probably." Rainbow continues looking at her paper.
Rainbow types on her computer while continuing, "Second off, nothing say tact and professional like slowly revealing one sensitive to a friend, loved one or something..."
We now see Lyra drawing on a piece of paper with a pencil. Rainbow's voice said, "...like a clever connect the dots kinda puzzle."
We now see a paper that has a crocodile with sunglasses on. It is holding a sign that said 'WE DEFINITELY NEED YOU TO FLUSH TWICE, HUMAN LOVER'. The connect-the-dots portion is the only rectangular outline of the sign.
Lyra stops drawing, looking puzzled as she ask, "Weird, what is Rainbow trying to tell me in this cryptic message?" The unicorn taps the pencil twice on 'cryptic', trying to figure it out.
Back on her computer, Rainbow types on, explaining, "Furthermore, nothing say pact and other stuff like breaking tough news to a pony with one reverse sunburn..."
In the pool, we see a sunburned Applejack facing away from Derpy who is in the pool itself. Rainbow's voice continues, "...on your cowpony's back, orange and huge back!"
As Applejack lowers a bit, her back shows the words 'your tiny bathing suit demeans us ALL, Derpy!' The goofy pony reads the message while saying, "'Your tiny bathing suit demeans us ALL, Derpy!' Oh, okay. I will take it off then."
Derpy reaches underwater, taking out a very small pink bikini, causing the water around her to turn black followed by an odd humming noise. A horrified Applejack noticed while yelling, "Gah, Derpy! Put it back on! Yew want 'ta make us y'all sick?!"
Rainbow types some more as she say, "Lastly and more importantly, nothing says tact and professionalism like one hidden message in your friend's condiments. Like so."
At a picnic, Pinkie is at a table smiling as Rainbow, wearing an oven mitt, is holding a plate with a tofu dog with a righ hoof and a bottle of ketchup in the left, some of it is spilled onto the ground. We see more tofu dogs on a grill nearby.
"All right, Pinkie, here you go." Rainbow said with a smile.
Pinkie takes the tofu dog, something small and green is in her mouth, while exclaiming happily, "Thanks, grill Dashie! I..." The pink pony puts the food down as she saw a message on it written in ketchup, "'you've had that piece...'" We see another tofu dog with words on it in mustard. "'...of cilantro...'"
Pinkie saw a cupcake with the frosting with more words on it in ketchup which she reads, "'...stuck between your teeth...'" She saw a waffle with an arrow written in syrup along with more words. "'...since we ate at that restaurant the other day...'" Now the mare saw three pieces of daisies with more words written on it with pedals. "'...or was it 2 weeks ago?''"
Pinkie, indeed having a small piece of cilantro in her mouth, gasps in shock, "Gah! Two weeks?! Teeth; And no pony told me until now?!"
Rainbow continues typing on her computer, speaking in a slightly high-pitched voice and in a forced manner, "Yes, in conclusion, these are the many things that nothing says tact, professional and the what now. Hope you enjoyed reading this baby as I did writing it. If I am elected Flight School class president, can't promise you soda in the water fountains, but I will see to it that a hard worker will make a difference...and try to get that jerk of a gym coach fired."
Rainbow, clearing the screen quickly, shakes her head while speaking normally, "Whoa! Sorry, I went back to Flight School for a moment and the golden days of the five paragraph essay. Well, DanceyDirtFilly, good luck with your smunderling. I gotta start making those stink shirts by getting Rarity to do them. Those things will be so 20% awesome!"
The paper comes down as this chapter/e-mail comes to an end.
On the TV, we hear music playing as the screen shows a sign that said 'You are now entering Stinky's Reach' with stink lines drawn above it. An narrator is heard saying, "In this town of 'Stink's Reach', no pony's record is ever clean..."
An announcer is heard saying, "Tuesdays at 8:30." The mentioned words are shown at the bottom of the screen before it turns to static.
We now see a screen that said 'We now return to Dartmouth'; the O in the 'Dartmouth' is a stylized mouth that shows darts flying out of it. Another announcer said, "We now return to Dartmouth already in progress!"
Rainbow wasn't paying attention as she is sleeping on the couch with the show on. A TV character yells, "Hey Dartmouth, the villain is getting away!"
"Out of the way, I know what to do here!" A character named Dartmouth booms in determination.
We now hear the sounds of something throwing up as a dart flew and hit a piece of wood. The villain groans out in pain, "Ouch; that is pointy!"
"Lost...Pony Vikings..." Rainbow mumbles as she continues sleeping while making some weird sounds.
The End
Author's note
And thus, that is how one deal with underlings. In the next chapter/e-mail, Rainbow gives us a tour of the Equestrian Military Career Fair, where somepony could enlist in armies of Cloudsdale, the Pinkiestarmy, or the Celestia's government. Read, review and suggest.